Latest / SECOND CLOCK™ / SEASON 7 | INDULGE

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SEASON 7 | INDULGE · SECOND CLOCK™

• 0:01
  What's your true nature? Your essence?
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  What makes you tick? This journey to find out is what
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  I refer to as your second clock. It's a chance to discover,
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  experience, challenge, and reconnect with what you value
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  most. Through clarity, love,
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  acceptance and reflection, you'll find your answers.
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  And what happens when you do? Well, You'll find you.
• 0:25
  Join me. Click follow, like and subscribe
• 0:28
  and let's see where this leads. There's a word that sums up the
• 0:34
  last few years of my life, and that's indulgence.
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  It's something that a lot of people don't take the time to do
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  or even think about. They're too busy living life,
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  getting through the list, getting the kids off to school,
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  making sure their errands have been run, and of course,
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  grinding it out at work. That finding time to indulge and
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  enjoy themselves, that's a luxury.
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  I speak from experience. That was very much me.
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  I didn't even think I was missing out, to be honest.
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  I thought that that was what life was.
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  When you're a kid, you're figuring things out.
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  Then you settle into a job, have kids, get married, talk about
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  things like mortgage and now you're adulting and the time for
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  enjoyment while there's glimpses here and there.
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  But otherwise it's same same for each day.
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  But I think somewhere between COVID and my kids getting old
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  enough to go to school and be a little bit more independent, I
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  started putting the focus back on me and what do I want?
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  I also didn't really know what I wanted because I never really
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  thought I was missing out on anything.
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  I thought I had designed my life perfectly.
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  Everything was going to stay the same and that was safe and
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  organized and predictable. But I miscalculated something
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  and that is that life is meant to be lived and all I was doing
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  was doing. I started itching for different
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  things. It actually started with stuff.
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  I started itching for luxury items, things that I'd put on my
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  list when I was a child, things that would mark my success.
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  I thought by a certain age I should have a certain amount of
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  things, material things, specific material things, but I
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  never gave myself permission to get those things, whether it was
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  a bag or jewelry. I just thought, no, I couldn't,
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  I shouldn't. There's so many better ways to
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  spend money. But then this feeling of feeling
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  deprived with setting in, like I was missing out and I was
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  choosing to. But again, the guilt was there.
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  How can I spend money on this stuff?
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  It's just stuff. So when the opportunity for me
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  to get a second full time job, and I mean full time job, I was
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  working late nights and traveling, I did it partly
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  because then I would feel a little less guilt and I could
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  get those things finally. I don't know why I had this
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  list. Maybe it has something to do
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  with my upbringing. I grew up in a very wealthy
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  city. My family wasn't wealthy by New
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  York standards. I guess we were rich adjacent,
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  which meant that I got to see a lot of wealthy people and the
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  way they lived and what they had amassed.
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  Bags upon bags and dresses upon dresses and cars upon cars and
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  houses upon houses. You get the idea.
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  And I just didn't know if they'd ever reach enough.
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  Would they ever be satisfied? That's something I didn't know.
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  To me, it looked like they just kept moving the goal posts back
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  and adding to the list, the list of things.
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  So when I made this short list of things that I thought I
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  should have and I'm successful or at a certain age or the
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  combo, I kept it short. I kept it attainable.
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  And I reminded myself that none of this stuff was necessary.
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  They were just symbols for me. So when I did work down that
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  list and I checked each thing off and I was getting closer and
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  closer to the bottom of the list, I wondered, would I still
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  be that same girl with that same mindset?
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  Was that really aligned with who I was becoming?
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  And the answer is yes. When I reached the bottom of the
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  list, something came over me. A feeling of being content, a
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  feeling of being satisfied. But something else had come over
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  me too. What was next?
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  What else could I go after for so long?
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  I had rounded my shoulders, hunched a little bit to
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  compensate for my chest when I went to go see a trainer.
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  That was indulgence as well. That was me time to the fullest.
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  So many people, we shy away from the gym.
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  We don't take our health seriously.
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  We come up with excuses. We don't have the time.
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  We feel guilty. We shouldn't be doing this.
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  We shouldn't be choosing us. And then we believe it and we
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  forget about ourselves. We forget that the only person
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  that's really looking out for ourselves is ourself.
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  And the next thing you know, you're going to see a trainer to
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  get your shoulders fixed so that you can stand up straight.
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  And after I did that, I gained discipline.
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  I gained an understanding that things were possible to change
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  that I didn't think were possible.
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  And I thought, what else was possible?
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  Could I get stronger? Leaner.
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  Could I let my discipline grow in different ways?
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  And so I went after it, setting small goals and watching them
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  compound, watching me change not just my physique, but the way I
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  was wired, the way I approach things.
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  And by now I had started changing, throwing myself in
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  situations that got me uncomfortable.
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  Situations I chose to get me uncomfortable, like seeing a
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  trainer several times a week or shopping in stores I never
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  thought I would shop in. I was trying new things.
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  I was becoming maybe someone I was always but didn't give
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  myself the space to be. I think for a lot of us, we're
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  so used to just being who we thought we were that we don't
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  stop to think, does this still work for me?
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  Does this still seem like me? Or is there more in me that I
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  should be exploring? And that leads me to my time
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  indulging in experiences. For so much of my life, I had
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  like things really safe. Change was not my friend growing
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  up. I could cry if there was any
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  sort of change in my apartment building, and I did.
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  When they changed my awning, I cried.
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  I couldn't believe it had been changed, that my awning of my
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  apartment building was not going to look the same.
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  I think it went from green to burgundy or maybe the reverse.
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  And now here I was saying bring on the change, but this change
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  was going to be different because there were things that I
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  hadn't done that I wanted to do in my 20s, things that I now
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  getting so far away from my 20s was feeling like I had missed
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  out on. That feeling of feeling deprived
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  was creeping in. But this time it was coming with
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  resentment and I knew that I needed to try.
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  I wanted to know what it was like to be single, live alone.
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  I had always been dependent on people.
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  I went from living with my parents to getting married.
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  I had never been self reliant. I had never had a space to call
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  my own. There were other things I hadn't
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  done that many people do in their 20s.
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  Things that bring them a little closer to who they are or who
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  they're going to become. I guess the 20s lays the
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  groundwork. For some, it eradicates the
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  people please are in them. For others, they realize that
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  they're not a kid anymore. And for others, they get their
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  heartbroken so many times that they're forced to see
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  relationships differently. They have to start putting
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  themselves first, set boundaries and require more from others.
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  And I think bit by bit, through all those experiences, they find
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  themselves a little bit. So when I told my ex that I
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  wanted to separate because I wanted to experience what it was
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  to be single, I wanted to date, I wanted to live alone.
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  That was a bold move, one that I couldn't come back from.
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  I was fully stepping into something that I didn't fully
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  know what I was stepping into, but I was ready to get
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  uncomfortable. I was ready for change.
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  My ex was extremely supportive. He was older, he had lived more
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  life than I had, and he figured that one day this day would
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  come. My children were very supportive
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  too. My son was like, mom, you only
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  live once. If you feel like you missed out
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  on some experiences when you were younger, go figure it out.
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  And that's what I did. I moved to an apartment across
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  the street, one where I work at. I see my kids in the morning to
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  get them off to school and I'm there when they get home.
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  The balance is special and I am so grateful I get to indulge in
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  my own space. Live alone and learn what it
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  feels like to be single while still getting to be around my
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  children all the time. For this, I am so fortunate.
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  And I never downplayed that. I got to feel like what it was
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  to decorate my own space. And then it came time for me to
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  figure out my style, not just in home furnishings, but also in
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  decorating me. For so long I had kind of
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  thought, when you're working, you should look one way.
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  When you're a wife, you should look another, when you're a mom,
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  you should dress this way. And when you're in your 30s or
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  40s, you should dress this way. But then I wiped the slate clean
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  and I said, why? Why do these labels have so much
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  value where we have to conform to them, to this make believe
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  idea of what somebody in their 30s or 40s should look like or
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  somebody that's a mom should dress like?
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  And I was going to be dating again.
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  So I thought, let me present me when I go out with these people,
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  people I've never met before, people that don't know all the
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  labels, people that don't need to know all these labels.
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  And I walked into stores as though I had never walked into
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  stores before. Not zeroing in on what I should
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  like or what I did like, but looking at everything and seeing
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  what I actually like, what I gravitate towards.
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  And that's when I realized I love bold patterns, something
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  the old me would have shield away from.
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  Don't be loud, don't be seen. Well, I moved that perspective
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  out. That old point of view wasn't
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  welcome here. And that ushered in newness.
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  I guess I'd lived for so long with all those rules and a
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  certain sense of style that it made sense to welcome in
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  something new. And it was fun.
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  I recommend everybody go out and buy something that is different.
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  Different for them, that is. See how it feels.
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  See if maybe it feels better than you think.
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  So once I indulged in my wardrobe and figuring all that
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  out, I kicked off dating. It was as much of a fun time as
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  it was funny, interesting and eye opening and messy, just like
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  you'd expect. During that time I learned so
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  much about people. What other time can you think of
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  where you're meeting so many people with the thought of,
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  could this person be someone special in my life?
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  Could this person be someone that I want to spend time with?
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  When you think like that, you take things a little bit more
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  seriously, or at least you should.
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  And as a result, I started to say no more.
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  Before dating. Saying no was not something I
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  really said often. It was a muscle that was pretty
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  weak, partly because it was around people that I felt like I
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  couldn't say no to. Like family, friends from
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  childhood, my kids, friends, parents, my Co workers, my
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  clients. But the guys I was going on
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  dates with, well, I didn't have connections to them like I did
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  the other people in my life. So that meant that I didn't have
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  to worry so much. I could just worry about what
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  mattered to me. And that meant saying no became
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  a whole lot easier. And it sounded something like
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  this. No, I don't want to go to the
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  restaurant. No, I don't want to meet at
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  9:00. No, I don't drink.
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  No, I don't really like to do that.
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  No, I don't really need to go out on another date.
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  No, No, no, no. No is what I got good at saying.
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  And I have to say for anyone that's a people pleaser,
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  learning how to say your no, well, it's liberating.
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  And after indulging and saying no, I have less of a problem
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  saying no to people that I actually do know, people I care
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  for. And I don't say it because why
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  not? I say it because there's
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  somebody I care about also, and that's me.
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  When you put yourself back in the equation, well, you remember
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  that you matter, that you've got to take care of yourself because
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  you're the one looking out for your best interest.
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  I'd like to think that there's a lot of people looking out for
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  your best interest, but it has to start with you.
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  So after I dated and dated and dated some more, I figured it
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  out. I figured out what I felt like I
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  was missing. There's no more mystery and I
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  can comfortably say that I'm not deprived.
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  I don't feel like I missed out on anything now.
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  I felt like I honored that time of figuring out me.
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  And I have to say, through dating, I found out more about
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  people and the people I connect with and don't.
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  I found out where I fit in in the equation of being with
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  someone else. And I'm not just talking about
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  romantically. I mean, even in friendships and
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  in work. But there was one thing that I
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  was still itching to do something I didn't think I would
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  itch to do, and that was travel. When I was younger, my mom would
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  take me on flights. She was a flight attendant.
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  So I was very lucky. I got to travel all over the
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  world with her. And then I got married and I got
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  to travel with my ex. And then when we had kids, our
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  vacations turned to trips because when you travel with
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  kids, it's more like a trip. There's less downtime.
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  And then I traveled for work and I found a nice balance of me
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  time and work time. So when I lost my job, I
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  thought, well, now I have so much time on my hands, surely
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  I'm going to be traveling with friends.
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  Naively, I thought that when I did ask my friends if they could
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  travel with me, they said I only have so many vacation days and I
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  have to save it for my family, or I have to save it for the
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  holidays or I can't afford to travel right now.
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  I waited a while thinking, oh at some point that's going to
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  change, someone's going to take me up on my offer.
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  But that didn't happen and resentment started to take the
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  place of my hopefulness. Then I thought, Oh well, when I
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  start dating, for sure I'm going to travel with these guys again.
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  I had forgotten something. I had miscalculated one big
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  thing. How I travel and how other
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  people travel are not likely the same.
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  I found this out quickly when I was reading through guys dating
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  profiles and when they would talk about travel.
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  Their idea of travel was different.
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  They would say their ideal trip would be camping and sleeping
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  under the stars. My ideal trip couldn't be
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  further from that. Mine was a combo of history
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  meets luxury in far off places or the beach.
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  So I didn't hold my breath when it came to the idea of traveling
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  with guys. So when I started feeling
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  deprived again, well that meant it was time for me to act.
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  And that's when I realized that I had forgotten about one person
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  that I could travel with. Someone that was always ready to
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  ready to get uncomfortable with me, explore with me, and was
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  pretty much up for anything. Yep, you guessed it myself.
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  I had never solo traveled, but I thought, well if this is the
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  season of getting uncomfortable, this is the best way to do it.
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  No sooner than I thought that I walked into a Pilates class, one
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  that I didn't really take that often with this one instructor.
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  I was there a little early and she was talking about a retreat
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  that she was planning in Bali. This retreat was like 9 or 10
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  months out. I asked her to send me
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  information and that night I sent in a deposit.
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  I thought the time is always now and God knows what I'll be up to
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  in 10 months. I'm just going to decide now.
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  So to plan to flag in these plans, I decided it was best
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  that I buy my airfare next. And that's when I found out that
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  you cannot fly from Los Angeles direct to Bali and that I'd have
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  to connect in another country. And that's when I saw Japan on
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  the list. I thought that's where I'm going
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  to go. I'd never been there.
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  It was on my short list along with Bali.
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  So next thing you know, I'm indulging in planning this trip.
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  And I didn't stop there. I added Singapore to my return.
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  I was going to hit those three areas, places I really wanted to
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  go to. But I kept thinking one day I'd
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  go, one day I'd go with somebody.
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  Until I found out that that somebody was me.
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  As I planned my itinerary, I got more and more excited.
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  I indulged further. I started packing my bags two
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  months before. Whenever I would tell people of
• 19:00
  that, they would think that that was ridiculous.
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  I would hear things like, wow, you have a lot of time on your
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  hands. All right here.
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  You must be really excited about this trip.
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  And I thought, you know what it is?
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  I'm really excited to do something that I want to do,
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  something I'm choosing. And when you're planning a trip
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  by yourself, every decision you get to make, you don't have to
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  worry about anybody else's opinions.
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  It's everything you want to do. I can't think of a more self
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  indulgent act than planning a trip for yourself.
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  And yes, packing was part of it. It was part of the preparation,
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  part of the me time. The trip hasn't happened yet.
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  It's right around the corner and coincidentally it coincides with
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  my birthday and when I first released this episode.
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  I should be in Bali. And I can't really tell what
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  this trip is going to be like. I don't have a crystal ball.
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  And I guess it doesn't really matter.
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  It's going to be what it's going to be.
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  Fun, funny, uncomfortable, confusing, probably irritating
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  at times. Boring, and I'll probably find
• 20:06
  myself nervous and frustrated. But from all this, there'll be
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  growth because of the core. That's what experiences do for
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  us. It makes us grow.
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  That's why skipping my 20s wasn't going to really work for
• 20:20
  me. I had to go back and figure out
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  what I missed. And I'm so grateful that I did
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  so in honor of celebrating where we are in our lives, the
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  uncomfortable things we take on, the things we let go of, the
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  newness we embrace, and the changes that come.
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  I thought I'd end with a story about cake food.
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  Glorious food. That's what I thought when I
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  entered my family's house and on the counter I saw two beautiful
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  fluffy Angel food cakes staring at me.
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  And at first, I didn't think that they were intended for me.
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  My former father-in-law had made them and brought them over, and
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  it turns out he made them gluten free so that my son and I could
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  enjoy them. I hadn't seen this cake in 14
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  years since I went gluten free when I was first married.
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  He would make those cakes for me all the time, but then they
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  disappeared until this day. I walked over to the cake.
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  Could it be the same? It looked the same, but would it
• 21:21
  taste the same? I pulled one closer to me.
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  I grabbed a knife and I cut into it.
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  It seemed the same. I took a bite and I quickly was
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  getting reacquainted with what seemed like an old friend.
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  The first slice of cake I ate quick.
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  Yes, it does taste the same. This is amazing.
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  Then the second slice I was a little bit more trepidatious,
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  thinking maybe I shouldn't, maybe I should wait until
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  tomorrow. And then I stopped.
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  I caught myself negotiating with myself and realized I didn't
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  need to do that. I wanted to properly indulge and
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  I didn't want to feel guilty while doing it.
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  Nope. No room for second guessing
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  here. Just keep enjoying.
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  And that's what I did. I tabled any guilt, any little
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  voice in my head putting doubt into my mind as to what I should
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  do with the next bite. And that's when I got serious.
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  I poured myself a glass of milk and I cut the next slice.
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  And then the slices got bigger. I was fully immersed in
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  reconnecting with this cake. And then it was all gone, and I
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  was smiling like a Cheshire cat. I was so proud of every bite,
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  every choice I made with that cake.
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  And I was grateful that there was a second one waiting for my
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  family. I guess indulging in cake, it's
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  a simple thing, a thing we don't let ourselves do that often.
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  We hold ourselves back, we tell ourselves we shouldn't.
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  But what if you did? What if you gave yourself
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  permission to indulge in things that you don't get to indulge in
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  that often? It could be as simple as cake,
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  or it could be returning to something you used to love or
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  taking on new experiences. And then commit and indulge and
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  see how does it feel to try Get a little uncomfortable and then
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  go after whatever it is that you want for yourself, what you want
• 23:23
  for your future, and then see where it leads.
• 23:28
  Thanks for listening to Season 7.
• 23:30
  These episodes are unscripted. They're my free flowing thoughts
• 23:34
  as I reflect back on past conversations, experiences, what
• 23:38
  I've learned, would like to do better, and what's next.
• 23:42
  Join me in a few weeks for Season 8 and in the meantime,
• 23:46
  catch up on past episodes and click Follow, Like and
• 23:50
  subscribe.