Latest / Breaking Our Borders / Why Do I Still Feel the Need to Prove I'm a Good Person?

Transcript

Why Do I Still Feel the Need to Prove I'm a Good Person? · Breaking Our Borders

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everyone, I'm Dr.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Michelle Border, and this is the Breaking Our Borders podcast.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I recently had a breakthrough in my healing journey, and today I would like to share that process with you.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: For all of my adulthood, I have experienced the mental border of not feeling like I am good enough.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is a typical experience for childhood trauma survivors and a tough one to heal from.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: When I recently experienced deep anxiety because of this feeling, I was determined to find answers to why I still feel it and what I can do to finally begin healing from it.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to share that all with you in the hopes that if you relate to this experience, maybe you can find some healing methods in the information I'm going to share.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get started talking about all of this right now.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: At all of these situations, I noticed that my anxiety was heightened and getting more intense as I experienced another interaction.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: On the last day, I was feeling extremely anxious, depressed, and frustrated that I am still experiencing these types of feelings after so many years of trying to heal from it.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I also started feeling what I call the dark thoughts.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: These thoughts for me are not suicidal, but a deep desire for everything to stop, like going to sleep and not waking up until things are calm again.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: I've felt this deep level of feelings before, but this time I became so frustrated that it is still happening, so I decided to try to figure out why and what I can do to stop this.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I began researching and soul searching to see what was going on with my emotions.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I started by looking at the feelings I was having and then what would cause them.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: As I researched, I was better able to organize my thoughts, then start questioning why I felt that way to better understand what I was thinking.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: It was through those questions, my answers, and later my reflections on my past that I started making a connection with what was happening to me.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I began my research by describing my high level anxiety from the social interactions of the last few days.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I figured out that I was emotionally overwhelmed from the interactions which was causing my high anxiety.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: The high level of anxiety was making me sad because it happens so often and I don't know how to make it stop.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to feel calm and comfortable like other people do when in social situations.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: This sadness was causing feelings of depression because I was feeling hopeless and ever finding a way to make it stop.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: My mind then went to that dark place because of the hopelessness.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I needed to know why I was feeling the anxiety to begin with and what I could do to prevent it in the future.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: From this discovery, I sorted through my thoughts to realize that part of my anxiety was because in some of my interactions, people were discussing emotional issues they were having.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I can recognize the pain and stress that people experience through emotional issues.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: When others experience conflict, relationship problems, and repercussions of poor decisions, it can cause pain like what I felt during my childhood.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: I hate to see anyone in pain and want to prevent them from feeling pain if I can.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: These two feelings are compassion and caring.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: It is good that I possess these two feelings, but sometimes I feel them in excess and in situations where it's not for me to fix the situation.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: My next task was to figure out why I have the urge to fix or help others so they don't feel pain, and why that brings me anxiety.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: During my childhood, I experienced a lot of verbal abuse from my mother.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: She constantly criticized my thoughts, appearance, and actions.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing I ever did was right.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because of years of this treatment, I developed a belief that I was fundamentally bad, burdensome, and unworthy of lover acceptance.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Believing that I was so awful as a human, that nothing I did could change my mother's opinion of me, and that I was so unlovable caused me great emotional pain, depression, and thoughts of wanting the pain to end.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because when I was asleep, I didn't feel the pain of being me.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted my mother to love me as I was.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: I did believe I was good, worthy, and lovable.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: But as a child, I could not understand that my mother was treating me unfairly.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: My brain as a child was not developed enough to understand that my mother's behavior was wrong, not mine.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: As a child, I couldn't fully understand why my mother treated me this way.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: I depended on her for love, acceptance, and security, so it was difficult for me to recognize that the way she treated me was not a reflection of my worth.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, I began to believe that something was wrong with me, and that if I could just change myself enough, I might finally earn her love.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I carried a confusion in my mind between my opinion of myself and my mother's.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because I wanted my mother's love and acceptance, I tried everything I could think of to make her happy with me.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: I learned to work to earn her love.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: A belief that I carried into adulthood, that love had to be earned through actions.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: In order to earn love, I tried to make all people happy with me.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: This meant trying to be the person they wanted me to be, doing things they wanted, and being agreeable to their thoughts and opinions.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: By doing this, I did not develop my own identity, my own thoughts and opinions, and ignored my wants and needs.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Another way I thought I could make people happy with me was to prevent them from feeling pain.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: They would be thrilled with me if I could fix all their problems, show them better ways of living, or make them feel valued when others didn't.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: I developed a sense of responsibility to take care of others and a deep desire to spread happiness to all.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: There are three problems here.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: One, I do not have to earn love and acceptance.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: I do not have to work at getting people to like me or be happy with who I am.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: But because I learned as a child that this might be a way to make my mother love me, I carried this belief into adulthood.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Based on her words towards me, I believed I was the problem.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And since I could control what I did, I would work hard not to be selfish and considerate and try to do more things right.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: If I fixed the problem, my mother would be happy and I wouldn't feel the pain of her rejections.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: The second problem is that it was not my job to fix everyone else's problems or to make sure everyone was happy.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: When I see someone unhappy, making a mistake, or heading towards a painful situation, I take that on as an emotional responsibility and wait.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: It hurts me emotionally knowing that someone else is hurting and gives me feelings of hopelessness if I can't change it for them.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I hold a feeling of responsibility for others' happiness without considering whether my involvement is appropriate, wanted, or even possible.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: The third problem is that I thought if I saw where there was pain and I did nothing to help, then I was being selfish and considerate and uncaring.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Those are things my mother told me I was.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Things I tried so hard not to be.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: I felt that I had to prove I wasn't those things.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I tried to prove it by being helpful, taking care of others, and giving or doing things to make others happy.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I developed the coping behavior of people pleasing, and used that behavior as a means to find love and acceptance.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: It became a way to avoid conflict, criticism, or rejection, and was an attempt to feel safe, maintain relationships, and earn the love and acceptance that I didn't receive as a child.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Another discovery I made during my research was that as a child I had to pay attention to my mother's actions, behaviors, and patterns in an attempt to prepare for abuse.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: I searched for what I had to do to feel safe and be loved by my mother.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I tried harder to be a good kid.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: I paid closer attention to what instigated the abuse, and tried to change myself to be what would make my mother happy with me.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: I internally focused on me, everything about me that could make a difference about how my mother saw me.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: This included my physical appearance, my emotional reactions, and my thoughts and opinions.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Two things happened because of this coping mechanism.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: First, I created a belief in my mind that everything about me, physical, mental, and emotional, could impact people's opinions of me.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: I carried this belief into adulthood, thinking that if I was pretty enough, kind enough, thoughtful, pleasant, and agreeable, then I would earn people's love and acceptance.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: I worry incessantly about how I look, what I said, what I did, and how I come across when having interactions with others for fear of rejection and criticism.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: The weight of this worry makes me stressed, uncomfortable with just being me, and causes overthinking later because I worry about whether I did something wrong during the interaction.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: The other problem with this coping mechanism is that I was trying so hard to be someone my mother would love that I didn't get to create my own identity.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: I never learned how to be comfortable with who I am.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: When people ask me questions about myself, I draw a blank.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Anything from what are your strengths?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: What do you like to do?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: What style do you like?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: What are your thoughts?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: It makes me pause and I struggle to find an answer.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know who I am.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what I like.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what qualities and abilities I have because I spent so much time trying to be whatever I thought would make people like me.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: What I thought I should be varied with every interaction.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't learn as a child that it was okay to be me, whoever I want that person to be.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: I also didn't get to develop into that person.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't develop an identity of my own.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: I did develop personality traits of not being what my mother said I was.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: I became kind, considerate, and thoughtful.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: I tried to find ways to be the opposite of what she said, and worked hard to make that happen.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Over the years I have experienced people accusing me of being too sensitive, not doing things properly for them, and making attacks on my character like saying I'm stupid, controlling, or overbearing.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: I become very upset when these things happen.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: I feel that I have to prove to that person that what they think about me is not true.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: I overexplain how my intentions and behaviors are not what they think.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: I overthink and worry about the situation, trying to figure out how to make amends with that person and how to convince them I'm not the bad things they think I am.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: I will stress, obsess, and drain myself emotionally, trying to prevent someone from thinking bad things about me.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: This stems from my mother thinking bad things about me and me trying to prove to her that she wasn't right.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I was never able to do that.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was never able to figure out what to do, what to say, or how to act to get my mother to believe I was good.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: And now as an adult, the inner child in me is still searching for my mother's approval.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: As I continued my research, I discovered that because I learned as a child that I had to work towards obtaining my mother's love and acceptance, I'm still searching for it in others as an adult.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: As a child, I developed the coping mechanism of believing that if I could change myself enough and in just the right way, I could obtain my mother's love.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: As an adult, I struggle to embrace my own identity, likes, and needs.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because I tried to change myself as a child to earn love.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: As an adult, I stress about who I should be when interacting with others because I'm afraid of doing something that will cause them to dislike me.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: As a child, I worked hard to be good, do right, and be what would make my mother happy.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: I developed a behavior pattern of thinking I had to work hard to make her love me.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: And as an adult, I tried to do this by wanting to prevent others experience pain and carrying the emotional weight and responsibility for their happiness.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: This combined with the feeling that love had to be earned, caused me to try to make others happy and ease their pain in hopes they would like me.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: As I lived through these coping mechanisms and behaviors, there were times that other people still attacked my character and disliked me.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: This would send me into an emotional turmoil, because in my mind, I was trying so hard to not be the person they accused me of being.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: Through all this research about my emotions, I discovered I have three lessons I need to learn.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: One, I do not have to change who I am to make others happy, accept me, or love me.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Two, I am not responsible for other people's happiness and do not have to carry the emotional weight of that to prove I am not inconsiderate.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: And three, I can be who I want to be without worrying about other people's perceptions or judgments of me.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: It is time for me to feel secure in my identity, even when others disagree.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: I need to learn how to evaluate and accept my qualities without putting my identity on trial.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of thinking, if I'm more compassionate, then more people will like me.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: I need to think, I acted in a compassionate way.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: That is a trait I want to share with others.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Someone else's opinion of me does not measure my worth.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: I can reject someone else's judgment of me without having to prove that they are wrong.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to agree with their perception of me, internalize their words, or keep justifying my actions to that person or in my own mind, until I have convinced them to believe differently.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: If someone doesn't like me or attacks my character, I can reflect on the situation and ask myself, did I act accordingly to my values?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Do I need to offer amends to this person?
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I will accept responsibility if I made a mistake.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: I can take responsibility for my actions without taking responsibility for someone else's opinion of me.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: I can listen to feedback, recognize when I've made a mistake, and make amends when necessary.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't have to keep defending my character until someone agrees with me.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: I can evaluate my behavior according to my own values, learn what I need to learn, and allow myself to move forward.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: My responsibility is to keep growing into the person I want to be, not to convince everyone else that I am that person.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: It is time for me to understand that I am not responsible for other people's happiness, and that if I don't do anything to bring them happiness or change their painful situation, this does not mean I am being selfish or inconsiderate.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: I can be compassionate without questioning what I need to do for others.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: I can be deeply caring without taking action to stop their pain.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: I can see or predict someone's pain without feeling guilty for not doing something about it.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: I need to stop the behavior I use to survive trauma as a child of trying to make my mother happy on people in my life as an adult.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: People are going to like or dislike me for who I am, not for what I do for them.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, it is time for me to develop an identity I am proud of, as my mother should have.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: I am proud of the levels of compassion, empathy, and caring that I have for other people.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: I will continue to have these traits, but I will use them when I feel the desire, not as a means for making others like me.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: I will stop using these traits as a way to prove my mother was wrong about me.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now this all sounds simple enough and is making sense to me, but it's also feeling a little scary.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: I have lived with these beliefs, behaviors, and reactions for over 50 years.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now I feel like someone just told me the sky isn't blue, it's really orange.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Something I held true for all my life is now supposed to be seen as the opposite.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: Change is hard and it takes time.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: I know I won't fix this overnight.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: I know I will have setbacks, the old thoughts will creep in.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: I will have to fight to change these things so ingrained in me.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I know the change is going to be worth it.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Already.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: Just beginning to understand what was happening to me, why it developed, and having ideas of how to heal from it, I am feeling less stress, anxiety, and hopelessness.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm feeling excited that I'm figuring out how to grow from something I never should have had to endure.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Going forward, I'm going to work on three things.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: One, I'm going to take a look at myself and decide on an identity I want to have.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: I won't think about what others want me to be and embrace who I already am, and then allow other parts of me to grow so that I am the person I want to be.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: Two, when I feel like I have to do something so that someone else likes me, I will evaluate what I have done or want to do and ask myself, did you do all that you wanted, was asked for, or expected?
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: I need to check if doing things is my responsibility, or if I'm trying to gain an acceptance I wasn't given as a child.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: I can also check myself by asking, am I doing this because it reflects who I want to be, or because I'm afraid someone won't like me if I don't do it?
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: And number three, I need to be okay with the fact that people won't like me or will have different perceptions of me than what I want.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay for other people to see me differently than I do.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Their opinion does not determine my identity or worth.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: If in a situation where my character is attacked, I can tell myself, you are being your genuine self, you have provided a reason for what you did, and after making amends if needed, if they cannot see your value, then you need to walk away.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: The little girl inside me is still waiting for the day when she can finally tell her mother, see, I'm not what you said I was.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: I am good enough.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: But as an adult, I no longer have to organize my life around disproving my mother's opinion of me.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when I feel the urge to prove my mother wrong, I will gently tell myself, those thoughts are coming back because I learned that fear a long time ago as a child.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: But now, as an adult, I'm allowed to make mistakes, to be misunderstood, and to be human without having to prove my goodness to everyone else.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: So, to any of you who are relating to my story, I want to tell you this.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to spend your life proving that the person who hurt you was wrong about who you are.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: Let me say that again.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to spend your adult life proving that the person who hurt you was wrong about who you are.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn to know yourself, trust yourself, and allow yourself to be the beautiful human you should have been all along.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: Childhood trauma affects people in different ways, so not everyone will relate to my experience.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: But if you recognize yourself in some of these behaviors, I hope sharing my story will help you understand where they have come from and how you can begin to change them.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: I will put a journal prompt on my website, breakingarborders.com, that can help you think about developing an identity you want, feeling that you don't have to prove yourself, and examining whether you are doing things because you want to or because you feel you have something to prove.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening today, and I hope you will join me again next week as I continue looking at how to heal from childhood trauma.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, I hope you have a wonderful week.