Latest / The Daily Sarcast / October 1st, 2026: The Government Likes Minecraft, NASA Has Constipation Problems And My Lost Apple Watch

Transcript

October 1st, 2026: The Government Likes Minecraft, NASA Has Constipation Problems And My Lost Apple Watch · The Daily Sarcast

• 0:00
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  Crave drop because you shouldn't have to go looking for dinner.
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  We're here during the hijacking of an airplane. At this point,
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  we're subdued to terrorists. We're approaching landing.
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  Whoever is hearing me, we need help.
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  One of the passengers who stopped the plane hijacking of the Dubai plane that
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  was heading to Tel Aviv the other day.
• 0:48
  Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Starcast. I give you the news and me be a laugh.
• 0:54
  I'm Lindsay Vernick and today is October 1st, 2026.
• 0:59
  Happy first day of October and rent day because rent is due today.
• 1:06
  If you didn't already know that, which I'm sure you already did.
• 1:09
  Just another annoying reminder. So in real news,
• 1:13
  yesterday a producer on the today show had the ultimate producer nightmare she
• 1:19
  became a part of the live broadcast,
• 1:22
  so during the third hour of the show this medical correspondent was talking
• 1:27
  about a new weight loss drug and then the producer cecilia walked directly into
• 1:33
  the camera shot behind her,
• 1:35
  so then the doctor immediately lost her train of thought and the host started
• 1:40
  trying to figure out what was happening and then one of the hosts like looked
• 1:45
  down and literally asked like on live tv.
• 1:48
  Is someone on that floor because this producer cecilia,
• 1:54
  had realized she was on camera and decided the best decision was to just like
• 1:59
  crouch down and crawl out of the shot which i have done personally many of times.
• 2:04
  Roker joked that Cecilia was in the witness protection program,
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  and one of the hosts said he had never seen anything like this in his entire
• 2:13
  career, which really helped her case.
• 2:15
  The medical correspondent thought actually something was happening to her at first.
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  Like, she thought her blouse had come undone.
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  Because, you know, everyone always thinks that everything is about them.
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  But as I said, I completely understand where this producer was coming from.
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  Like, when you walk into the shot, you only have two options to walk out like
• 2:37
  a very normal person or, like, crouch down and pretend that,
• 2:42
  like, you're a rat and nobody can see you.
• 2:45
  She chose option two.
• 2:47
  The U.S. government launched a new AI chatbot this week called America.gov,
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  which is supposed to help people navigate government information and services.
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  And obviously the first thing people did was try to make it play minecraft so
• 3:04
  if you type play minecraft into
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  this chatbot instead of explaining how to build a house or find diamonds,
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  it will launch into an 1800 word poem that is basically a government themed
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  rewrite of minecraft's famous end poem,
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  the minecraft player becomes a constitute and the chatbot starts talking about
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  things like federal regulations, case numbers, zip codes, office hours,
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  and naturally the nightmare of a missing signature.
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  They also turned the existential ending of Minecraft into the existential nightmare
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  of dealing with the federal government.
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  And this isn't the chatbot randomly losing its mind either.
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  They have found that people who looked at the site's code found that the Minecraft
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  response was intentionally built into the website as an easter egg.
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  There are apparently a bunch of other Easter eggs on this website,
• 3:58
  too, including a FirstGov throwback and a Konami code-style retro mode.
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  So the U.S. government has officially created a chatbot that can help you navigate
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  government services, answer questions about federal information,
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  and take you on an 1800-word spiritual journey through Minecraft.
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  I mean, if the government is going to make us fill out forms,
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  at least somebody thought to put a video game in there.
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  And finally, scientists may have solved one of the great mysteries of space
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  travel, why astronauts get constipated.
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  So there was this new study, and NASA looked up blood samples from 52 astronauts
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  who spent months abroad the International Space Station.
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  And they analyzed like 400 blood samples, like before, during,
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  and after their missions.
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  And they found that within weeks of getting into space, the astronauts' gut
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  bacteria started fermenting more protein than they normally would on Earth.
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  So research think that microgravity may slow the movement of food through the intestines. Yum.
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  And this could become a bigger issue on longer missions, like if they're going to go to the moon or Mars.
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  So NASA's biggest question right
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  now is, how do we make sure nobody gets constipated on the way to Mars?
• 5:18
  It does not get more real than that in Lindsay life okay yesterday I was on
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  my way home from Atlantic City I was working there and I got on the bus I got
• 5:28
  like a New Jersey transit bus,
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  and I sit down and I realize my Apple watch is not on my wrist I'm like holy
• 5:35
  shit and this isn't the first time either I've realized like it just kind of
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  falls off because I put it on haphazardly all the time I like will put it on pretty loose which is
• 5:44
  obviously like not the best thing to do but you know.
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  So I immediately check, find my items, and it says that my watch is with me.
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  So I'm like, you know what? It's definitely in my purse with like the gazillion
• 5:58
  other things that are in there.
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  And I start looking and I don't see it. So I'm like, shit. So I run out.
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  I'm on the bus and I look out the front window to where I'm standing waiting for the bus.
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  And the people in front of the bus driver were like, oh, my God,
• 6:12
  what's wrong? And I tell them I'm looking for my watch.
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  And we all don't see a pink Apple watch laying on the ground.
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  So, and I was like, you know what? It says that I have it on me.
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  I'm sure it's somewhere in my crazy purse.
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  So I sit back down in my bus seat and the bus pulls out and I'm realizing now
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  on the bus as we drive further away that the watch stays where it is and it
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  doesn't still move with me as I'm moving on the bus.
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  So obviously I immediately realized that the watch is still at the bus station,
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  and I asked out what to do because I asked chat what to do about literally everything
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  in my life and chat tells me to report it to lost and found,
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  and honestly it's scary how much I'm using AI because without AI I would have
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  known to reporting to lost and found and call them right but I rely on AI way
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  too much now for everything,
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  so I call the bus station or I call lost and found they're looking for it they
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  find it and they're like all right we we've got the watch I'm like oh my god thank fucking god we
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  then they tell me they turn it over to police, the transit police,
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  and I have to call the transit police to like organize a pickup.
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  So fortunately, I have somebody in the area who's actually coming up to New
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  York soon who can pick it up for me.
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  So I Google like New Jersey Transit Police and I find the phone number and I
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  call them and I'm like, hey, I tell them the situation and ask them if they're
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  in the Atlantic City bus station. They're like, no, you have to Google it.
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  And I was like, OK. And they're like, just Google it. I'm like, OK, great. Thank you.
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  So I Google it and I find a different phone number. I call.
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  This woman answers. She tells me she doesn't know the number, but I can Google it.
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  It's all the same difference. But I said, but I don't, I just called the wrong
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  number. Can you please help me? And she said, you just have to Google it.
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  And I just realized at that point, like there's, it wasn't going anywhere. So I hung up.
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  I eventually found the number. I eventually find the police,
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  the correct police, where I eventually get like three phone calls back telling
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  me that they have the Apple Watch,
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  like all these different police guys, and they're holding it for me.
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  So that is the story how I lost and found my Apple Watch.
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  Things that happened to me this week already.
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  I made a new best friend. I stayed alone at a five-bedroom house and I didn't get murdered.
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  I found a group of women in Atlantic City who live under a rock and didn't know
• 8:44
  what the show Hamilton was.
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  I left my watch in Atlantic City and became friends with literally every New
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  Jersey transit police officer.
• 8:54
  And I made my season two debut on Life's a Beach, aka Cheap Ass Beach Houses,
• 9:00
  because I've been in almost every single episode of last season and the show open.
• 9:06
  Cooking tip of the day. It's not going to cook itself. Feedback,
• 9:10
  comments, questions, a nice Jewish boy looking for a date.
• 9:13
  Email me at lindsay at thedailystarcast.com.
• 9:16
  Thank you so much for listening.
• 9:18
  I have a very, very special episode coming out tomorrow, and I will talk to you guys on Monday.