Latest / The Daily Sarcast / March 27th, 2026: Sharpies, Tofu And Finding My Passport

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March 27th, 2026: Sharpies, Tofu And Finding My Passport · The Daily Sarcast

• 0:00
  Today's episode is brought to you by A watched pot never boils,
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  just like a watched phone never rings.
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  What's your message to Congress? Fire them all. My flight leaves in 16 minutes.
• 0:13
  A guy in line for security at the airport being interviewed by Fox after waiting
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  over 5 hours in line for security and still not gonna make his flight.
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  Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Starcast. I give you the news and
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  maybe a laugh. I'm Lindsay Vernick, and it's March 27, 2026.
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  Yesterday was so beautiful, right? Well, it turns out it's not going to be that
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  nice again until next week.
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  Hope you enjoyed it while it lasted. In real news, Trump got his cabinet together
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  to talk about Iran, inflation, you know, some light global crisis stuff,
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  and then somehow spent a chunk of the meeting passionately reviewing Sharpies.
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  Specifically, he went full Yelp.
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  Lame past presidents were signing bills with $1,000 pens that didn't work and had no ink.
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  But here's the reality check. Those pens were from AT Cross,
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  and they actually cost more like $100 to $300.
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  So not exactly the cost of some people's rent.
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  Meanwhile, Trump is loyal to Sharpie, which he says is better,
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  cheaper, and more business-minded.
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  His version of a good pen is about $5 and branded like a limited edition merch drop.
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  Why this man is more focused on pens
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  than like i don't know the lives of hundreds
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  of millions of people i don't even
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  you know what actually it's not beyond me anymore nothing
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  you i don't think anything could surprise us at this point but the weirdest
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  part about all the sharpie stuff is while he's pitching these markers like he's
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  on qvc the stock of noel brands the company that make Sharpies actually dropped
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  after the meeting, which is honestly impressive.
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  People don't even want to use the same pens as this guy.
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  In more depressing news, Savannah Guthrie spoke out for the first time since
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  her 84-year-old mother, Nancy, was abducted from her home near Tucson almost two months ago.
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  She says that this is a likely kidnapping for ransom and that two notes demanding
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  Bitcoin payments are probably real.
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  So to recap, there was a masked man with a gun who was caught on camera outside
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  the house and the back doors were left open.
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  Her mom's phone purse, everything was still inside.
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  Even the doorbell camera was ripped off. The family has been begging for proof
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  of life and says they're willing to pay.
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  At one point, one of the notes even suggested Nancy might already be dead,
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  and the family said they would still pay just to get her back or at least get some answers.
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  There's now a million dollar reward, but after more than 50 days,
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  there haven't been any major developments.
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  And then there's this part, which makes the whole thing feel even stranger.
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  The ransom notes weren't directly sent to the family.
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  They were sent to media outlets like TMZ, which is not exactly how this whole
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  ransom situation works.
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  The messages demanded Bitcoin, but there's still no clear proof of life.
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  So now this isn't just a kidnapping for ransom. It's a case that's not behaving like one.
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  And the part that really hits is that Savannah says that she feels guilty.
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  Like, her public profile may have made her mother a target.
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  And that is so brutal. Because that's not something you can prove,
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  but it's definitely something that you will carry with you.
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  It's all so, so tragic. And at this point, her and her family,
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  as well as the rest of the world, just want to know what happened to her and where she is.
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  And hopefully we'll find out soon.
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  In today's news that feels made up, but unfortunately, like all news these days, is not.
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  A truck carrying 40,000 pounds of tofu crashed into a ravine in a small town
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  in Missouri and then just sat there for three weeks because of an insurance issue.
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  So instead of being cleaned up immediately, 20 tons of tofu were left outside
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  marinating in nature like the world's worst meal prep.
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  Residents say the smell hit them like a brick wall, which is super crazy because
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  tofu is known for literally like not smelling like anything.
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  Officials described it as worse than a dead animal Worse than a landfill in July.
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  At one point, flash floods actually carried pieces of tofu into a nearby creek,
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  spreading the situation like some kind of fermented crime scene.
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  Crews now have to literally wade through water to pick up rogue tofu by hand.
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  There's talk of bringing in ambiguous vehicles, which feels very dramatic,
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  until you remember this is a tofu recovery mission.
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  Local officials have lovingly nicknamed it the Jerome Tofu Monster.
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  I guess they don't want to call it, we've lost control of the soy.
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  Some people in town say they are no longer vegetarians because they can never
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  eat tofu ever again. I don't blame them.
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  And Lindsay life. My parents last night decided to book our family vacation for next January.
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  My parents were not thrilled that they had to listen to me run around the house
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  for about 10 to 20 minutes trying to find my passport because I literally cannot be more type B.
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  They listened to me find my earring that I thought I lost the other day and my global entry card.
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  And as I'm looking, I'm like, you guys, this vacation isn't so long from now.
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  Like, I could have a baby by then, and it's actually that long that I have time
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  to find a guy to have a baby with before this vacation.
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  My parents didn't find that funny though.
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  So then I go back actually to recording this podcast and then my parents call
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  me back to ask like for my global entry number to put that into the like flight
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  booking and obviously oh my god I lost my global entry card again.
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  How am I supposed to find that? So then they have to listen to me again run
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  around the house for 10 minutes and wondering where I just had it and I'm just
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  as confused with my parents because I'm like I literally just had it in my hands.
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  I swear on my life, it just disappeared.
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  So anyway, I find the global entry car and then I hang up on them because I'm
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  like, I got to go make a baby now. You got to commit to the bit, right?
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  An MVP of this week, since I guess we're in travel mode today, is Clear.
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  So Clear is the service that helps you skip part of
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  the airport line by verifying your identity ahead of
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  time oh and by the way this is actually not an
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  ad so instead of waiting in the
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  tsa line or even cheap pre-check you can
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  go through a faster lane through clear where they
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  confirm who you are using biometrics like your eyes or fingerprints
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  and then move you along to screening and right now
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  they're like having a really big moment because of
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  all these airport delays and long tsa lines people are downloading the clear
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  app in huge numbers hundreds of thousands of times in just a few weeks because
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  people are tired of waiting and are willing to pay for time and sanity so clear
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  gets mvp this week because they're solving a very real problem right now.
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  There's very long lines, high stress, and airports are already pushing people
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  to their limits and then some.
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  They're not making travel perfect, but they're making it faster and a lot less
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  painful, and people are actually making their flights because of it.
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  Shaving off 20 to 30 minutes at the airport, as you know, is so important.
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  They're taking something that is so universally frustrating right now and giving
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  people a faster way through it.
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  Even if it's costing people a little extra, they're doing it just so they can
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  make their flight. And again, this was not sponsored.
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  But it probably should be. Cooking tip of the day. Bone broth and ground beef
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  seriously makes it so much more flavorful. It's wild.
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  I have to stop remembering to say this at the end of recording the episode,
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  but if you enjoy listening to this and know a friend who needs a little laugh
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  in their life or loves the news but hates what's going on in the world,
• 8:10
  make sure to send this podcast because why not?
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  Feedback, comments, questions, a nice Jewish boy looking for a date,
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  email me at lindsay at thedailystarcast.com thanks so much for listening have
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  a great weekend and i will talk to you guys on monday.