Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Female Breadwinners: Are They Still Attracted To Their Husbands?

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Female Breadwinners: Are They Still Attracted To Their Husbands? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody. Today, we are going to be
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  talking about when the woman is the primary Breadwinner and how
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  this impacts relationships. Also, I must tell you to
• 0:17
  subscribe because I have an awesome episode that I recorded
• 0:20
  recently about how you're replicating your parents
• 0:23
  marriage, even if you don't think you are, especially if you
• 0:26
  don't think you are most likely, you are in some ways and please
• 0:30
  do follow me on Tick. Tock, that's where I am getting
• 0:33
  a lot of traction now, So you get to see my shining face and
• 0:37
  not just my mellifluous voice. Just kidding, my Brooklyn
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  accent. Okay, so a lot of people
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  increasing, I like 30% of women are primary Breadwinners now.
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  I think from what I read either way, I'm seeing more and more of
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  that dynamic because everybody can agree that that's
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  increasing, you know, women are getting more, they're just
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  getting more opportunities, they're focusing more on there.
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  Rears. That's all wonderful in many
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  ways. However it does shift the
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  conventional Dynamic that you guys grew up seeing on its head.
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  So nigh I've really I don't think I've ever had a female
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  primary Breadwinner who came from a female primary
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  Breadwinner. Usually they had I mean maybe
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  she had a single mother but for people that had married parents,
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  usually the father earned more and now she is in a new sort of
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  dynamic, with her own husband as a primary breadwinner.
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  And so neither partner really knows how to navigate that
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  because neither one really grew up seeing it, at least in the
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  people that I've seen. And also statistics would bear
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  out. There would be extremely
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  unlikely for a female Breadwinner to have grown up in
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  a household with a female Breadwinner.
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  Obviously, since those used to be more rare.
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  So anytime that there's a new Dynamic, this is going to be a
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  stressor on a relationship and usually women don't start out as
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  the primary Breadwinner by the way.
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  Usually they become the primary Breadwinner over time.
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  They are career. Skyrockets in some way on the
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  guys just flat lines or maybe he loses his job and if he loses
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  his job and they decide that he's going to be a stay-at-home
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  dad or something and and you know, it's usually not planned.
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  I don't know a lot of people yet, maybe in coming
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  Generations, it'll be very different.
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  But among the people I work with usually people fell into this
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  Dynamic and did not ever really think about that.
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  That would be their Dynamic. So in the usual situation, Ation
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  where women have the less High earning job the lower earning
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  job. Then there can be reasons,
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  pragmatic reasons for them to be more, you know, like more often
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  the one to take off with the kids or more often the primary
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  default parent or whatever because everything you know the
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  mortgage payments and all the bills are riding on them and
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  keeping his job and his job makes a lot more than her job.
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  But in the situation, where the woman is the primary breadwinner
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  And it's a little bit difficult for her because she gets all of
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  society's messages that she should be the primary caretaker
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  as the mother. But then her job is the one that
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  is going to does going to fuck everything if she loses it.
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  So, she is the one who feels a lot of anxiety about maintaining
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  her job and maintaining her, you know, you know, checking her
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  email and being on top of shit and engaging in whatever work
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  travel or whatever because she's scared because Everything's
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  riding on her. So the exact same thing that the
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  man has. Although, when the man has it,
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  he has a lot more peers. So even if it's 30% of women,
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  it's not 70% of women, you know. So men have, you know, like they
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  kind of know as they're growing up.
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  Oh, like I am going to have to have a job.
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  That makes a lot of money and supports my family or makes
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  enough money to support my family.
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  This is kind of, you know, in the environment and the ambient
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  environment men think that whereas women may have been
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  trained to be somewhat of a stay-at-home Why for a lower
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  earner? And I mean, I know I personally
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  like, you know, I never, I was getting my PhD, but I never
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  really thought that I wouldn't kind of also somehow stay home
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  with children as my mother did until I was in elementary
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  school, you know, so it's kind of weird for women when they
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  grow up with one model and then they switch.
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  It's kind of, you know, it's almost like you don't really
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  know what you're supposed to be doing on the one hand.
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  You're a high achiever, but on the other hand, aren't you
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  really? He's supposed to have all this
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  time with the kids and then where's that going to come from
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  and you know, whatever. But men have more of a definite
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  script. There's very few men that I've
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  ever met of the ages that I work with that.
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  Say that they meant to be or intended to be a stay-at-home
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  dad ever since. They were little where as many
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  women say I wanted to stay home with kids.
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  So the woman who feels like she is as I just said, and it took
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  that video like she's bringing home the bacon and frying it up
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  to. She's going to feel very put
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  upon you. I mean she is going to feel very
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  much like everything is riding on her.
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  She has to be a perfect mom. She has to be great at work and
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  if she loses her job, everybody's fucked.
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  And this is going to be Amplified times a million and a
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  situation where the man's a stay-at-home Dad.
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  I see a lot of situations where a guy's a stay-at-home dad, and
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  the woman likes that that like there can be a stay-at-home
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  parent but she has some envy that she wishes that it was her
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  to, you know, like she wishes she could be able to do that.
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  Sometimes those women are not being honest with themselves
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  because they're super tight. Type A and they would never feel
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  really fulfilled by staying at home with kids.
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  But when they see the dad do it, then they and V8 and they love
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  their kids and they they kind of wish that they had both things,
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  you know. And obviously that would be
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  something to explore an individual therapy because none
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  of us can have both, you know, everything and their lives.
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  Even people that like me worked very part time when the kids
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  were small, you know, it still wasn't being fully one thing or
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  the other which comes with its own issues, right?
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  Although certainly it was it was better, you know, then if
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  somebody has to make a black and white decision, whether to work
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  or to stay home. So what about the Romantic
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  Dynamic? Well, not to be on a PC, but of
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  course, I'm always on PC, many, many, many, many women are not
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  turned on by being the primary Breadwinner.
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  And I hear this a lot because they feel like they have to
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  manage everything and to them. That's somewhat of a masculine
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  role being in charge of everything.
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  Even if they don't say, Say it like that.
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  Even if that's not their politics to to even be conscious
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  of that, they don't like the fact that they're in charge of
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  kind of everything. This is times a million if they
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  also feel like the CEO of the home, you know.
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  So if they feel like on top of being the one to work there,
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  also the one to do everything around the house, and they
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  really feel like the man is Superfluous, and why are they
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  even married? And that's the damn truth.
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  And I'll tell you many men would feel the same, you know, in that
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  situation if you were out many, many of you may be in the
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  situation because many Men who have women, who struggle with
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  depression wives, who struggle with depression?
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  The woman doesn't woman. Doesn't really do much at home
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  or chronic pain or anything. So you're working.
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  Then you're coming home and doing everything and then if
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  you're not also having sex, then many men are like, why am I
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  married? And that's just like a normal
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  kind of way to thing. So it wouldn't be a shock that
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  the woman would feel like that if you don't feel, like your
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  partner is really helping with anything.
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  Then you do start to feel like, why am I even married?
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  So, does this mean that this then can never work?
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  Scout. And that no women that are
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  primary Breadwinners, are happy. No.
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  What it means is that the man has to figure out a way that he
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  seems invaluable to her and it's not going to be like maybe what
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  his would-be. Whereas if a man had a
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  stay-at-home mom wife that also let's say had a housekeeper in a
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  maid and full childcare but she was happy to have sex with him
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  all the time. Then he would still may feel
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  like he's living his best life. It's not going to be like that
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  in the inverse because that's just not gender.
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  How like the world Works in terms of how women Biologically
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  feel, you know, like no woman is like, man.
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  He does jack shit around the house and he also doesn't make
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  any money but man, the dick is good.
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  Like, you know, you may feel like that for a year or two in
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  the honeymoon stage, but it ain't gonna last.
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  So what men have to do in that situation is first, think about
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  why they may be in this situation because there's two
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  reasons, you know, that a woman could be a primary Breadwinner
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  either. She just has like super awesome
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  career and like Limitless potential.
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  Oil. And that's great, she's super
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  talented and or your performing below your potential because you
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  may be depressed because you may have low self-esteem because
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  you're the one who doesn't try to get a better job or maybe you
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  just have very wildly Divergent values and she wants to make
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  endless money and you just don't and so you're fundamentally
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  incompatible in that way, but it needs to be interrogated.
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  Why there is such a disparity in income or earning or in general
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  kind of act. DVD and proactivity because for
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  the women where the man is really handling everything, and
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  she feels like they're a team, they don't usually have
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  resentment or a loss of Attraction, so you could be like
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  a woman, could be a doctor. And the husband could be, like,
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  let's say a lawyer, but he's in the government, right?
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  So let's say she has a 929 job because she's always on call and
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  he has a 9 to 5 job. Well, if it has nine to five
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  job, then he gets home and he makes dinner and he takes care
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  of the kids and the house is well run Any cool?
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  I mean, like many women are like, wow, I couldn't do it
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  without him and he's so awesome, and whatever.
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  But if he is, like, you know, not pulling his weight, then
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  she's not like that. You know, that then she's not
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  impressed because he gets off at 5.
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  And if what he does is play video games, then she's
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  thinking, how is he playing video games?
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  And I'm at work, and I'm having the kids.
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  Stay at Aftercare, so that he can play video games.
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  This is obviously not a situation.
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  I would see often, but it's an example.
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  Of something where you could see how a woman would end up.
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  Feeling a profound loss of Attraction.
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  The loss of Attraction is not because of the money, the loss
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  of Attraction is because of the not being proactive, and not
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  being on top of shit. Women like men who are on top of
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  shit. They fall in love with surf
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  instructors and Snowboard instructors.
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  And like, you know, I'm trying to think of other like, real Pro
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  active energetic, low paying jobs, but whatever those are,
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  women like them, women like men, who You can get shit done, you
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  know, so that's what you need to focus on.
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  If you're thinking about how to change the dynamic back to
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  something, where you're super high earning, super successful
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  wife respects you because it's not because of the money, you
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  know, for some women it is, I mean those usually aren't my
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  clients people that like or super care only about money are
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  usually not my clients because they aren't as deep, I guess, I
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  don't know. They don't really care about
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  like the Component. They just care about the money,
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  but I don't meet people like that.
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  So the women that I talked to want, the man to be proactive,
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  they want him to be dominant in some way including getting all
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  the shit in the home. In order being really awesome
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  with the kids being really awesome with managing you know
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  everything basically that she can't manage because she's at
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  work, you know? So the worst is when a woman
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  comes home from work in the guy sitting on the couch.
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  And I know, I know that one. Guys come home from work and a
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  woman sitting on the couch or supposed to be all sorts of
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  wonderful to her. Sure.
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  But I am the one who advocates for that then, you know, there
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  also should be some intimacy. So there should never be like
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  this situation, where a guy is like, why am I even married?
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  And a woman should also not be in a situation where she thinks.
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  Why am I even married? Because none of my needs are
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  being met. And for a woman the needs are
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  going to be somebody to take care of shit.
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  And for the man it's probably Bleep, physical intimacy.
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  I mean, that's just the way the cookie crumbles.
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  So if you're thinking about how to get the dynamic back where
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  she values, you despite making so much more money than you, it
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  would be getting shit done. That is important to her, you
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  know, and also, you know, it means not sulking and being
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  difficult because sometimes the woman is not the cause of there
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  being a dynamic shift. Sometimes the man is obsessing
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  about The disparity in income and the disparity in their
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  relative, you know, Prestige or whatever.
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  And then he allows that to go to his head and become sulci and
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  resentful, and he doesn't even want to have sex anymore.
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  And he just starts fantasizing about, you know, other women and
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  going down, poor and rabbit holes.
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  Because he feels so emasculated by but not by anything that
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  she's doing literally, just by a situation, you know?
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  And that is common among men who tend toward depression that they
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  are very, very Sensitive to any perceived slight.
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  And so when the woman you know, the woman may not even be saying
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  anything. She certainly may not be saying
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  anything. Like I don't value you because
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  you don't make money, but that's what he hears.
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  You know. So really, it's just like
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  anything else. What women are attracted to as a
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  confident, proactive, man, irrespective of earning, or
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  anything else? If you are in a position, where
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  your wife says, I want you to earn more money than
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  interrogate, why? It may not be because she's like
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  the shallow woman who wants to drive a Bentley or something.
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  It maybe because she doesn't want to work anymore but she
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  doesn't really know how to say that.
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  Given her feminist, leanings her politics.
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  And also the fact that she does not have evidence that you could
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  float, the family if she worked less you know but many women
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  have a fantasy that at some point they are husband will come
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  to the fore and we'll say oh my God, you're working so hard.
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  Why don't I somehow maximize my potential so that you don't have
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  to work so hard but men are not To say that if they think that
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  you love your job and that your whole reason for existing is
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  your job, so they wouldn't know that.
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  That's something you would even like want to do, is to take a
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  step back in your career. So many people do not speak
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  openly about money. You know, it's like, I don't
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  speak openly about sex, they don't speak openly about money,
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  they just don't fucking speak, and this is where couples
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  counselors like myself, can come in and help you to open up the
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  lines of communication. If you want your husband to make
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  more money, it's like you've never Ever like not never.
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  I mean they're shallow people in this world but like, sometimes
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  it's because you want to spend more time with the kids, you
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  know, but you're scared about not being able to save for their
• 14:43
  college. If you take a step back at work,
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  you know, it's like maybe you want to go out on your own as an
• 14:48
  entrepreneur, but you want his assurance that he said he would
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  be involved in that business, you know, there could be a
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  million different things, but people do not talk about money
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  enough. Just like they don't talk about
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  sex enough. So, if you're hearing this, it
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  can be your encouragement to start a conversation about The
• 15:04
  answer is about parenting about all of the different things that
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  your wife being. The breadwinner makes you think
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  it makes her thing. And whether you guys whether
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  your expectations for this marriage or being fulfilled,
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  whether this Dynamic has shifted things, whether she respects,
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  you despite earning more money than you, and in what ways and
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  in what, which ways could she respect you more?
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  Or do you think that she has changed for the worse and
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  focuses more on her career and looks down on you.
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  Despite you Lee trying to bust your ass and doing everything
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  around the house, everything with the kids and really being
• 15:39
  supportive you know because sometimes women do get you know
• 15:44
  tired of their Partners in this situation and initiate divorce
• 15:48
  because they have this Trope in their head that the man supposed
• 15:52
  to make more money and then when they started to make more
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  somehow magically they thought you would make even more and
• 15:57
  more and then you all would just be in the same dynamic as
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  before, just with net income, that's higher but that can't
• 16:04
  really Ben sometimes because life isn't magical like that.
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  So that would be something to discuss if there has been a
• 16:10
  market lack of intimacy. And you really do feel like
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  this, is that that it is due to the relative disparity in in
• 16:18
  finances. So you can use this as a
• 16:20
  motivator to really, you know, think about an open up the lines
• 16:25
  of communication about how money impact your relationship, and
• 16:29
  what could even be done. Moving forward.
• 16:31
  There's a lot of women that tell me a lot of ideas, As for their
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  lower earning husband's, but then don't say them to the
• 16:37
  husband because they don't want to like hurt his ego.
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  And as I always say, doesn't it hurt his ego when you won't have
• 16:42
  sex with him? That's the biggest ego hurt.
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  So, you know, like, they'll be like, well, I don't understand
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  why we can't, you know, start, you know, with rental
• 16:50
  properties. Or I don't understand why he
• 16:51
  doesn't just freelance also, or Moonlight is this or that?
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  And I'm like do you tell him that?
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  And they were like no. Because I don't want to hurt his
• 16:58
  feelings. Well like when was last time you
• 17:00
  had sex with him. Oh, what year is it?
• 17:03
  Well shit. Man.
• 17:04
  I mean you should be telling him some of this stuff because
• 17:07
  you've completely lost your attraction to him.
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  And obviously you think that there are things that could help
• 17:12
  but you just not saying it in because you don't want to hurt
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  his feelings. This is like that hygiene thing
• 17:17
  where women won't tell their husband to go take a shower.
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  But then they just won't have sex with him for months because
• 17:21
  he smells bad. What are you winning?
• 17:23
  You know, nothing. His ego isn't doing too great,
• 17:26
  because you're not sleeping with him.
• 17:28
  So anyway, take that for what it's worth.
• 17:30
  I hope that you guys found this to be interesting and And I hope
• 17:34
  that you use it to open up lines of communication and I will talk
• 17:37
  to you all soon. Follow me on Tik Tok.
• 17:39
  Bye bye.