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Growing Up Together: Dealing with Blame, Tantrums, and Avoidance · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for September 9, 2026 Growing Up Together,
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  Dealing with Blame, Tantrums, and Avoidance There, I want to look at a few common
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  failures to adult in marriages.
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  Avoiding hard talks No one enjoys having a difficult discussion,
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  but situations that require hard talks don't get better on their own.
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  Usually, ignoring them makes them far worse.
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  It's fair to say you want a bit of time. Some folks process slowly.
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  And sometimes we need to work through our emotions.
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  But when a bit of time becomes days and then weeks, our reasons for not having
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  the needed talk stop mattering.
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  Avoiding hard talks is saying, I don't care about you, or our relationship,
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  enough to deal with this.
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  The blame game. Blaming your spouse can be based on the idea that the best defense is a good offense.
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  Some folks go out of their way to blame things on their spouse to keep them off balance.
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  Another version of this is always having something they did wrong at the ready,
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  to counter being accused of something.
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  Blame avoidance. This is pushing back on the suggestion you did anything wrong,
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  or having endless reasons or excuses.
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  This also results in refusing to apologize. Others do this by minimizing any
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  wrong they commit, while possibly exaggerating their spouse's wrongs.
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  Another version is the it-wasn't-my-job excuse. Deuteronomy 22.4 says,
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  You shall not see your brother's donkey or his ox fallen down by the way and ignore them.
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  You shall help them to lift them up again.
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  According to God, if you see a need, it's your job to take care of it.
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  Throwing tantrums. Tantrums are about as unadult as you can get,
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  but some folks who are an adult by age do it.
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  Tantrums are a tactic. They make the other person sorry they mentioned whatever, so they will drop it.
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  The person who does this can end a discussion by just hinting that they are
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  about to go into a tantrum.
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  Tantrums can be a holdover from childhood or caused by an underlying mental
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  health issue. But regardless of why they happen, they are unacceptable.
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  The way to deal with a tantrum is to walk away. However, if the goal was to
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  get you to drop whatever, then the tantrum has worked.
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  Tell your spouse they need to stop throwing tantrums. Tell them if they don't, you will go for help.
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  Suggesting you will get help from church might be effective if they wish to
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  avoid their behavior being known.
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  Or seek the help of a therapist. Avoidance. I already mentioned avoiding hard talks.
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  General avoidance is not engaging, or only engaging when you want to.
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  It's easy to get hung up on what our spouse uses to avoid us.
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  Gaming, YouTube, or business, for example.
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  But these things are not the problem. They are the tools used to avoid connection.
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  Don't get focused on the tool. Deal with the avoidance and its effects.
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  Don't say, I need you to spend less time doing whatever. Say,
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  I need you to spend more time with me. This puts the focus on the real issue.
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  It's fair to expect our spouse to act like adults and fair to call them on it when they don't.
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  Of course, there needs to be grace, especially when they're having a difficult time.
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  This is Paul, and you have to be an adult to do marriage well.