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Relationships Are Health, Not Just Feelings · Doctor Turned Health Coach

0:21
If you're sleeping in different beds, different rooms, then something's wrong. Something's wrong.
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In a romantic relationship, you're not just spending emotional time together,
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but you're also in each other's physical space.
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Welcome to the Doctor Turned Health Coach Podcast. My name is Dr.
0:39
Ashuri, family medicine physician turned health coach. And in today's episode,
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I got my lovely wife Nilu to join us to discuss health from the perspective
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of a romantic relationship.
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Sometimes we think about health having a lot to do with medications and biomarkers
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and lab tests, but sometimes it has a lot to do with relationships.
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So in the TREND method, R stands for relationships.
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And here, sitting next to me, is my lovely wife and my partner and somebody
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I have a romantic relationship with.
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But relationship can be many things. Relationship can be the relationship we
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have with ourselves, with our family and friends, with our environment,
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with our romantic partner, with our jobs.
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And so both of us are physicians on the family medicine, the doctor turned health
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coach. You're a rheumatologist, and I wanted to see how do you view relationships
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as kind of a core aspect of health?
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How do you think it affects you? How do you think it's affected us and maybe
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even your patients? Yeah, I think...
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For sure, it's a huge part in health.
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I think for me, if I think about it personally, there was a lot of anxiety that
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I would experience in some of my previous relationships, especially when it's
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like the beginning of dating.
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And when because of just your kind of like maybe going out with somebody who
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you can't communicate well your buttons and they're pushing your buttons inadvertently
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and you don't want to sound vulnerable and talk about it.
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And so then the anxiety, anxiety, I would have a lot of anxiety and that would
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affect my sleep sometimes, especially when I would like first start dating someone.
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And I think that one of the huge things that I noticed from the beginning with
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us and that's what made me think, oh, you know what, this is different.
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Um, is that we could communicate. And so I also had better tools through therapy
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and things like that of like journaling and finding out like what it is that
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I really need and then be able to communicate that.
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And you were also, unlike some other people I dated, like receptive and could
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communicate back to me what you needed and how maybe I was misunderstanding
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something that you were doing for lack of interest.
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So I think that really, for me was huge.
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And I feel like this, especially in not just even beginning a relationship.
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Sometimes it can even be about like, you know, you need sleep.
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You need maybe your sexual preferences or desires are not necessarily matched.
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One person might be more sexual and the other person not.
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And so also like the meanings we give things like, oh, she doesn't want to have
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sex with me, so she's not interested.
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So then that's affecting you, causing you sadness, causing you depression.
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So a lot of like communication self like
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kind of becoming in tune with what it is that you need and
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want and do you really actually want
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that and need that yourself or is it just because you think it's
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bad like if you're not sleeping in the same bed something's because
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he snores then something is wrong i don't show or or
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is it that you really genuinely this is like something
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that you need or want um and then
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being able to communicate that right so i think
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it's the same for me in the sense that when
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i got into a romantic relationship with my wife it was
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i had sort of understood a good amount of myself i had created some healthy
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boundaries with friends with family i've also had i also developed a good relationship
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with myself i i really think that helped me once i entered a relationship with
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you to get an understanding of like, oh, wow.
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I feel like I can take good care of myself.
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But how amazing is it now to experience life with somebody else,
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to travel, to work, to run things by her?
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Even to shoot this video, like, hey, what should we do? Should we do it this
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way? Should we do it that way?
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And so your romantic relationship can become a huge source of health and strength.
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It can alleviate your stress. No doubt that it takes a commitment.
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It takes time. It takes communication.
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But maybe that's what that relationship part is.
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The romantic part of the trend are is that you get a lot more in return by having
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communicated, by having talked about things,
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by having spent a lot of time cuddling and talking about things that are both
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that are important to you and important for the other person and made some sacrifices.
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So maybe one good way to think about health is that it really is all encompassing.
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It's not just about some lab marker. It's not about the family history of cancer that you had.
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It's also these little things like your nutrition, your diet,
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the daily choices. And that's what I do as a health coach.
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So health coaching is not just about fixing your blood pressure or talking about medications.
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Sometimes it's talking about your romantic relationship and your other relationships.
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And the trend method I talk about are as an important relationship.
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And here I have my wife, my romantic partner, the love of my apple of my eye.
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The love of my life. The love of my life, the apple of my eye. I told him to say that.
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And one thing we want to talk about is what this romantic relationship has done
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for us in terms of health, in terms of feeling better, living better.
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So I'll have you start with it.
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Yeah. So we were talking about or thinking about like how a relationship can
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contribute or, you know, take away, I guess, be negative or positive in your health. Right.
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And I was reflecting on previous relationships and how, for me,
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you know, the pairing of the other with the other person sometimes caused a lot of anxiety.
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Because as this book anxious or
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attachment type says if you are anxious attached
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you know and going out with somebody avoid and
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attached then that can create a lot of anxiety and that
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would definitely you know it's you're living in anxiety it
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affects your sleep and so I think that's definitely
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one aspect that if you are kind of paired
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up with somebody that like for us I
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think you're definitely more of a stable attached or I don't know what they
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call it like and so I feel very supported I feel like you know just held and
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so for me there's no like anxiety that would come up because of the relationship.
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Um, so that's, I guess, one aspect of it for sure. Yeah, I think for,
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for me, the way I've always viewed romantic relationships in the past is sort
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of something you have to do.
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You're going to end up being in, but I think what I learned is.
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Uh, romantic relationship, somebody can be your best friend,
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your partner, somebody you can run things by.
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And then somebody also, who's going to tell you like, Hey, you know,
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you're maybe not doing this right.
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You're not eating enough you're exercising too much
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or maybe you're too stressed why don't you try this so
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it's somebody that's always there for you they're supporting you
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and even if there's criticism it's often loving
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criticism non-judgmental right non-judgmental criticism
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and then i think the other aspect that's really important is
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and that i've i think learned more that from you is like really
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still taking time for yourself because i
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feel like in relationship i used to just kind of mesh and
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merge with the other person and it's like oh you want
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to do this let's do this and with you
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you're like no i like for example rock climbing which is
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your exercise is your mental health right so you
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have said to me sometimes no i can't come and do this with
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you um even though i part of
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me wants to because i need to do this so i've come to learn okay
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that's um you know and i jokes sometimes say
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you love me more or rock climbing but i also
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realized that i have to do that i have to make sure
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to take time to like you know as if i was like almost as if i was single like
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what do i like to do and i think that then also is really important for your
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health that's just kind of like that time you give to yourself doing the things
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that are important to you and also helps the relationship down the you know like ultimately yeah.
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Yeah, and what you've maybe taken away from me, some of the things you learned
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from me, I've taken some things away from you.
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While when I entered the relationship, I thought, okay, there's only so much
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socializing that I can do.
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There's only so many new activities I can do. We're both sort of digital nomads. We travel a lot.
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And being able to just cope with so many different new ways of living was not
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something that was on my radar.
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And then I saw how you do things. you go to
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social events but then you know how much of yourself
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to give to a social event and i saw that and i'm like
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oh i could go to many more social events i don't have to be all out
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energetic and then leave feeling
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drained so i started appreciating that more and i think you would wouldn't you
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say that i'm much more social than before changed a lot changed a lot yeah before
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i could just do one social event a week maybe every two weeks and now we can
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go back to back and but I respected that, right?
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Like when you first, like I wanted us to socialize more, meet more with my friends
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or your friends. But I was like, well, this is what he needs.
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I can go and do it on my own. And then slowly. Having somebody who respects
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your boundaries, even if on the inside, they're like, come on,
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dude, you can do a little bit more.
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I think it's amazing because they still are likely going to rub off on you in
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some positive way, but it doesn't have to be perfect.
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And there's so many other things where we've kind of flip-flopped, right?
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I was cooking all the time in the beginning, and then you became like the main
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chef of the household, and then now we're sort of both cooking together.
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So really interesting how the dynamics changed. So maybe in summary,
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I would say that you can view your romantic relationship as a major source of support.
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And sometimes when you really don't feel like you can stand up for yourself,
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you can advocate for yourself, you can turn to your romantic partner.
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You may have to give him some guidance on how to do it, but it can be a fantastic resource for you.
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In a relationship, I think a big cultural belief for most of us is that you
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have to sleep next to each other all night.
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If not, a lot of times, you know, we come to believe there's something wrong in the relationship.
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If you're sleeping in different beds, different rooms, then something's wrong.
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Something's wrong. They're not close. they were about to break up.
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So we know, we have friends who either the person, the guy like snores and like
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really loudly and so her sleep is disrupted,
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or, and then the other person is dealing with something like fatigue or gut
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issues that really need sleep to heal.
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But they don't want to either hurt the other person's feelings or they just
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think that, oh no, this is going to be, you know, bad.
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That means my relationship is not working if I am like, sleeping in another
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room, you know, or something like that.
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And I think that's also huge when it comes to relationship because most of us
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are sensitive, like sleeping next to each other.
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And when Mo was sick and he slept in another room for like three nights,
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I probably got a lot better sleep and Mo doesn't even snore. Right.
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So in a romantic relationship, you're not just spending emotional time together,
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but you're also in each other's physical space.
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Of course, imagine if you're living in a small studio apartment like we did
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when we lived in Portland.
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A lot of things can really quickly add up and become a big problem.
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Things can get on your nerves. And when you're dealing with a health issue and
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you're sleeping in the same bed.
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You sometimes just need that extra space. You need to be able to get away.
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It's not so much that you're rejecting the other person.
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It's more so that you're taking care of your own health right now so that your
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romantic relationship can continue to be this bedrock, this source of support
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for your overall health.
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And a good example is a health coaching client recently that we were just talking about.
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And he had a lot of issues. His sleep was so sensitive.
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His sleep was so shallow that being in the same bed with his partner,
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he would wake up with just a little bit of, if she moved the bed,
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if she got up to go get water, or just the fact that she was breathing out CO2
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was making him super, super sensitive.
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And there was nothing wrong with him just stepping out, right?
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Going and sleeping on the sofa. Unfortunately, I had the luxury of having extra
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bedrooms and he could have gone out until he recovered, until he felt better,
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and then come back and figure out better ways and crack a window open,
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leave a fan on, or you can do two mattresses side by side so they each move
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differently if you're super sensitive to movement.
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But there's different ways of figuring that out.
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So when it comes to healthy aging, romantic relationships are a fantastic asset
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to have, especially when you nurture them, when you put effort into them.
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At the same time, there are times when you need to set those boundaries.
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You need to know when the romantic relationship is still safe and stable,
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but maybe you need to take a little bit of distance, not emotional distance,
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but just enough distance to help yourself with your health.
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A couple, so the, the.
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Man, I think, felt like not validated enough by the woman, like in this relationship.
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And the woman felt like she was giving and giving and was exhausted,
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like was overwhelmed, right?
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And he, you know, I think in essence, like she probably felt like he was just
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being ultimately too needy, right? But she felt like he wasn't being validated
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and had come to like a peak.
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And I think, like, I remember distinctly that she was like, it's affecting me
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in all kinds of somatic ways, right? Like, I am having— Physically manifesting
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something. Physically, right?
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Exhausted, fatigued, you know, dizzy, don't sleep well at night.
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Like, all of these symptoms, right? Because there is constantly this clash happening.
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It's a bad atmosphere. And the anxiety of, like, stepping on this guy's toes. Is she validating?
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But then also feeling resentful towards him.
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So like there's just so much like her sleep was affected by her energy level
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was affected by her appetite was affected by it.
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So I think that it can definitely affect you in so many ways.
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So it's the romantic relationship that can sometimes be positive in your life.
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It can sometimes be a negative in your life.
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And it doesn't mean that the romantic relationship you're in is toast just because
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it's not working for you right now.
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But if you can set a healthy boundary, if you know what you expect out of a
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romantic relationship, it can be such an asset to you.
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And at the same time, like you said, it could be something that physiologically
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and physically can manifest in some really negative ways.
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Yeah, I remember seeing that between those guys, she was like,
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I ultimately just need you out of the house.
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Like they had children together and she loved him, but she was like,
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I am just feeling exhausted from our interactions and having to,
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you know, walk on eggshells and whatnot.
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And, um, and I feel like I could understand it, even though like I'm not in
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that kind of relationship, but I can see like how, if you're living with someone
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because you're in close quarters, right? You're in close quarters.
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And they ended up working it out, right?
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Like this was like online therapy I was watching. But I could see how it's both
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an opportunity to work on yourself, right? Which is amazing.
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A close relationship can bring up all your stuff and you can work on yourself.
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But at the same time, you have to recognize that there should be a balance between
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working on yourself, which is hard, and just feeling like I need to just be alone or I need support.
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Maybe I need to go to a friend. Maybe I need to go to a therapist.
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You know, maybe I even need distance right now. Maybe I need to sleep in another room. Right. Right.
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Knowing what you need is so important. And I don't think it's difficult.
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I don't think it's easy because you may not know, especially if you've been
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in a relationship long enough, you may not know where you end and the other person starts.
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So I think maybe there's been so much overlap that at some point you've lost
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yourself in it and knowing what you need first.
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And I think communicating it to the other person.
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You and I in the beginning needed to communicate a lot about,
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Hey, I really need this right now.
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I want to go spend some time with my friends And I sometimes assume that you
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were upset because I was spending time with my friends and you're like I'm not
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upset at all go spend time with your friend.
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You're the one who maybe is feeling guilty Leaving me to go spend time with
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your friends and but if you don't know that if you've never talked about it
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You carry this sort of stress And so in some ways a romantic relationship can
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be a great way for you to actually,
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Work on some of the subconscious things that are happening in your mind But
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it takes a bit of communication.
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I think it takes a lot of one-on-one conversations to bring that out,
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but then you make progress.
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And then overall, you feel more stable, stronger, more resilient.
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Yeah. There's like an opportunity to, I feel like that's how I knew after years
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of dating and being frustrated that we were a good match because we could communicate
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when I felt anxious because I thought,
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oh my God, he hasn't called, you know, in the beginning,
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maybe he's losing interest.
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I would do some work on myself, journal it, whatnot.
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And then I would just kind of like go to you and say, hey, I think you calling
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me, you know, touching base with me is important to me.
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I feel really like activated when I don't hear from you.
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And like you were like receptive and you would talk to me. So it was like the communication.
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I mean, then it became a non-issue after like the first six months,
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four months, whatever, because then you are like confident in the relationship.
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You're like, oh, this person just wants to be with me.
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But I think when that insecurity stuff come up and it can really affect your sleep.
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It can affect your, you know, because our relationships have become such an
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important part of our lives, you know, like this in our culture.
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Sure. So communicating, understanding the other person.
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Setting boundaries, understanding yourself and asking the other person directly
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for what it is you need can make a romantic relationship an incredible health
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tool, better than a medication, better than a prescription,
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better than some biometric data that you might be monitoring.
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So here are five ways that we think your romantic relationship can improve your
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overall health and well-being. So my lovely wife is going to take the first two.
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Okay, so I was thinking that one of the really important things is to become a
20:09
aware of what it is that you need for yourself, apart from your romantic relationship.
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Like even imagine like if I was single alone on my own, what is it that really
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makes me content and happy in my life?
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For one person, it could be that they definitely have to get their workout in,
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right? They feel a lot better after workout.
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For another person is like, I have to have my time with my girlfriends,
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go do my nails, you know, or for me, for example, is like, I have to go do it to nature.
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Like that's really so first if
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you can actually become aware of
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what it is that aside from my romantic because sometimes we
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when we get into a romantic relationship we really then expect the
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other person to make us happy we're all guilty of it so
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then kind of touching me it's like if i was alone how could i make myself happy
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so this is like this is one is top priority for example then the second thing
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is actually making time to do that which might mean saying no to the other person
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and really making that a priority to, you know,
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to fit that into your schedule. Because once you are...
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Once you do that, once you take care of that need that really gives you that
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contentment and a feel-good well-being, then you inevitably can be there better
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and hold space better for your partner. Without resentment. Right.
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So I think number three should be communication.
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And communication is not just talking.
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It's a lot more about hearing the other person. It's listening and taking in
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what the other person says without feeling judgmental towards them.
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Or if you feel judgmental towards them to maybe push that down a little bit.
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Deal with it on your own. Deal with it on your own. But communicating,
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asking a lot of questions.
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Communicating what you found out about yourself, right? That need that you found
21:58
out and now you have to meet. Right.
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If you can communicate that from a vulnerable, you know, kind space of like,
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listen, I just found out that if I don't do this, then I'm...
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You told me in the beginning, like, if I don't get my good night's sleep,
22:12
I'm going to be grumpy. Or if I'm not rock climbing, I'm just not going to be
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able to hold space and be supportive and be the kind of guy that you like in me.
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So communicate with the other person what it is you need, but also communicate
22:25
and ask a lot of questions to figure out what it is that they need.
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It's never going to be perfect, right? I'm never going to be able to meet all
22:32
her needs and she's never going to be able to meet all my needs.
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But if we can communicate together at least we know what's important if i can
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meet your top three needs that's incredible and then of course we have our,
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pets and our loved ones and our family for the other
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ones meet the needs of the kids right all the other so the
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next one to me is supporting their
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need meaning now that they communicated with me what's important to them what
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is it that i can do to help them really to advocate for them to really be as
23:04
much of their cheerleader as they are for themselves if i know my wife really
23:09
wants to improve her strength and like spend more time in the gym.
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What can I do around the house or to when I talk to her to feel.
23:18
To make her feel that she is more motivated to go, to make her feel excited
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to go, to give her the opportunity to go, especially for couples who have kids
23:27
and who are really busy. Like, how can you support that person?
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Sometimes it's emotional support. Sometimes it's time support.
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Sometimes it's financial support, whatever it takes. Which reminds me,
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I was listening to, it was Michelle Obama's book, and she was talking about
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how resentful and annoyed she was at Barack Obama.
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This is before he became president because he would be working as a senator somewhere else.
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And then he would like go to the gym, had to go to the gym and or,
23:56
you know, play basketball before coming home.
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And she had prepared dinner and whatever. And it was too late.
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And they went to couple survey. I thought it was really interesting.
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And then she eventually realized, like, okay, it's my expectation. I'm putting myself out.
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I'm expecting him to be home at a certain time. I'm keeping the kids awake for him.
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Okay, you know, if he wants to do the basketball and he sounded like he really
24:17
needed that for his mental health, right, I'm going to structure my life.
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And so sometimes, like, no, but you're the dad and you have to be there and you have to do this.
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But, you know, I want to put the kids to sleep and go to sleep. I also need my sleep.
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I can't keep the kids. So that was, I thought, really interesting of just being...
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You know, the fourth thing we wrote is like supporting the other person in what
24:38
they really need and checking yourself.
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Like, what is my expectation against their priority need, you know?
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And can I just realize that I am becoming resentful because I have this expectation
24:52
that they just cannot simply meet.
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To support somebody else, sometimes you have to check your own emotions,
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check your own expectations.
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And that's when you can really open up that gateway to support the other person.
25:03
Right. And then number five. So number five is ultimately then coming together, making time.
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After you've made time for yourself and you've allowed your partner to make
25:13
time for themselves and what it is they need, can you actually then,
25:16
you know, recognize what it is that makes you connect with each other?
25:20
And for each couple, I think it's different.
25:22
Like for us, we spend time talking to each other, you know.
25:26
For somebody, for another couple, it might be, you know, going hiking together.
25:31
Right. Definitely making time to have sex together, put the moods in place and all of that.
25:38
So what makes you connect with each other? Because that then can be a source
25:42
of nurturing and nourishing when you feel connected with your partner.
25:46
Absolutely. And when I feel the most connected to you is, I think,
25:51
when we have spent a lot of time doing things together, talking.
25:55
Love language, right? Love language. We're at the same frequency.
25:58
I'm not like, oh, thinking about my rock climbing or you're over here,
26:02
you know, doing your drawing.
26:03
But sometimes we come together and we bring those things together somehow.
26:06
We're sharing our day together. We're cuddling in bed.
26:10
We're sitting next to each other on the sofa. And we have sometimes said to
26:12
each other, like, hey, you know, he was working every day, long hours,
26:16
and then brain was fried by the time he would come home.
26:19
And after a week, I was like, I feel disconnected from you. Right.
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You know, let's spend some time and just go and do what we need.
26:25
We went for a walk in nature.
26:26
We talked about how we felt disconnected.
26:28
And then that kind of brought us together. Like, that's kind of our love language,
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right? Like, quality time.
26:34
So, speaking of setting boundaries, I'm about to go rock climbing.
26:37
What are you about to go do?
26:41
I support you in your raw climbing and i love you for supporting me,
26:48
thank you for tuning into this podcast with me and my wife and understanding
26:53
romantic relationships and health to stay up to date on the podcast you can
26:58
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