Latest / Questionable Detour / Dating women on an oil rig and showing off your juggling skills!

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Dating women on an oil rig and showing off your juggling skills! · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:24
We don't start, we just talk.
0:26
You just go until you go.
0:27
Until you die.
0:28
That's my advice.
0:29
I just feel like it's what our wives actually think.
0:31
This is it, this is my life.
0:33
I'm married into guys that think they have something to say to the world.
0:37
We do, we're very important people.
0:38
When you got a lot of opinions and there's somewhere around 130 people listening.
0:43
Oh my gosh.
0:47
You gotta get your opinions out there.
0:49
You gotta let them know.
0:50
I feel like I have important things to say and I feel like people should listen.
0:53
Zach, you woke up this morning.
0:55
What was, what's something important you thought?
0:56
I woke up this morning and go I should really buy more pants.
1:00
And that's legitimately a thought I had.
1:02
You said pants or bands?
1:03
No, pants.
1:04
I don't have enough pants.
1:05
Like today was laundry day and-
1:07
I broke out the washboard and the bucket.
1:10
Yeah, yeah like you know I went down by the river with my gals.
1:14
Yeah.
1:15
You're in the laundry basket on your head.
1:16
Yeah and I was like how are you doing gals?
1:19
And they said well I've had another child die.
1:21
And I was like me too, like that's just the times we live in.
1:24
You and Barthoosala can make another one.
1:29
Classic Oregon trail.
1:31
And didn't you say like it's a shame that that child didn't wear the same pants as me.
1:35
So that I could just take his pants.
1:36
I was like did little Barthoosala Jr. have some extra pants I can borrow?
1:41
Because I'm tired of coming down by the river washing my one deer skin pants.
1:46
These are tough times we live in.
1:49
She didn't give me the pants though.
1:50
Like I just, I had to cut them off.
1:52
They're very short shorts now. I'm really a trendsetter on the Oregon trail.
1:57
It sounded like there wasn't an Indian raid while you guys were washing at the river.
2:02
No there was not but I dread the day that they do raid us.
2:06
And I have to hobble around in really tight baby pants.
2:10
Yeah that would suck.
2:11
To get away from the Native Americans that are attacking us.
2:14
But you might find out the Native Americans sometimes they don't wear pants.
2:18
Little loincloth, all you need.
2:20
You might become a loincloth guy.
2:22
Little buckskin loincloth.
2:24
I feel like with the amount of babies being born,
2:27
wearing a loincloth would put me on a list that I don't want to be on.
2:33
But apparently I think the tight short short baby pants that I wear are okay.
2:36
You're in the clear for sure.
2:41
Welcome to questionable detour.
2:42
So today we have a very very special guest.
2:47
She is special.
2:48
Special.
2:49
Special.
2:49
So special.
2:51
She got her own classes at school.
2:52
She got her own classes at school.
2:54
She is a great color.
2:56
Big fan of trains.
2:58
She knows the taste of every window she walks by.
3:05
She's had multiple helmets specifically fitted for her head.
3:10
Bus is so small she's the only one that rides on it.
3:12
Her bus is so small it's a unicycle.
3:19
I'm sure you're glad you're here now.
3:22
Evan do you want to introduce you to an introduce our special guest?
3:25
Not only is she special but I feel like relatively she's pretty special to you.
3:29
Yes this is my waifu if you will.
3:32
Oh yeah.
3:33
Savannah it's good it's a pleasure to have you here.
3:35
Happy to be here.
3:36
Was it uh was it kind of hard to get you guys schedules lined up together?
3:40
It's pretty tough.
3:41
We usually rent this room out of our house um just any any sunday or saturday I guess
3:48
is what this is.
3:49
It could be any number of people in here.
3:51
Now Savannah does he have a hard time with days of the week?
3:53
He has a hard time with a lot of things.
3:57
It sounds like we have two special people living in a house together.
4:00
And they got married.
4:03
It's a real romantic story.
4:05
Now Savannah you are a girl correct?
4:09
Correct.
4:09
Okay that that's good.
4:10
A woman.
4:11
Oh well excuse me a woman and I don't know if you know this but here at Questionable
4:16
Eater we're a big fan of women.
4:17
We love women.
4:18
I heard that in an episode that you really respect women.
4:22
We're very pro women.
4:24
Pro not amateur women.
4:26
Right.
4:26
They need to be professionals they need to be getting paid for a job if you if you're
4:30
not if you just are a hobbyist woman.
4:32
We don't like you.
4:36
No respect.
4:38
Pro women though all four.
4:39
Absolutely.
4:40
Now Savannah we've brought you in today because our hypotheticals today are completely based
4:44
around dating and really we want to get our knowledge of dating.
4:49
We're all womanizers here wouldn't y'all agree boys?
4:53
I'd say so.
4:53
Wouldn't you agree Savannah?
4:55
I don't know that your wives would agree but.
4:58
You had to get on that.
5:01
I got you somehow so it's on you.
5:03
They were tricked I think somehow.
5:06
But you know we're we're gonna put out to the world maybe how to date.
5:09
We're gonna answer questions that you might get on a date especially first dates.
5:13
Just so people have the confidence going into their first date you know how to answer it
5:17
how to be successful in the first date maybe get a second date.
5:19
So you're gonna ask us a couple questions that you might get on your first date.
5:23
We're gonna answer we're gonna answer those questions as the womanizers that we are.
5:27
Yeah and I like this little segment for us because it kind of combines two
5:30
two segments we usually do which is a hypothetical and then an advice.
5:33
So it's kind of like some advice through hypotheticals.
5:36
Yeah I think I mean we have a lot of wisdom.
5:38
Yeah.
5:39
I think our listeners they're getting quite the bargain this episode.
5:43
Little two in one in this segment.
5:45
Buying in bulk.
5:46
Well let me ask this as we begin Savannah when a guy comes into a first date what do
5:50
you normally like to see like what do you normally look for as a guy comes and maybe
5:54
sits down at the table you're having dinner with.
5:56
Definitely someone who looks nice.
5:58
Yeah.
5:58
You know like clean.
6:00
Looks are everything.
6:01
No no like clean you know he obviously took a shower today looks like he has a job.
6:11
You look directly at Evan.
6:12
Yeah.
6:13
Seemed pointed didn't it.
6:16
I don't want to say that you haven't showered today but.
6:19
It's early okay.
6:21
What do you want from me?
6:23
Glad you're across the room.
6:25
I'm a night shower.
6:26
Nocturnal shower.
6:27
Okay.
6:28
Now do you have any other things you look for in a guy coming into a first date.
6:32
My girl might like.
6:34
I hope he's nice respectful.
6:36
You can look at me when you say that.
6:38
Nice funny respectful.
6:42
What are qualities that I wish I had.
6:47
Those kinds of things personality is important too.
6:50
All right that's all we've got for Savannah so we'll wrap it up.
6:53
Wow thank you Savannah.
6:54
So from what I hear you listed off a bunch of things most of them were shallow looks money.
7:03
You guys finally got the personality into that.
7:05
That's what that's what girls look for guys so so the guys in the room.
7:09
How do y'all usually enter a first date.
7:11
What do you say you know what are you wearing.
7:14
I think somersaults are important.
7:18
You really got to let them know how flexible you are.
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So if you can go in there athletic and flexible doing somersaults maybe landing a couple back
7:27
flips or tricks then they're going to be impressed and they're going to know that you're limber.
7:32
She didn't say limber in her list but she didn't have to.
7:36
She didn't have to but we knew.
7:38
I think I think hula hoops are important.
7:40
Hula hoops yeah.
7:41
It kind of goes to Evan's point about flexibility you know the body movements you know.
7:46
I like to bring at least 10 hula hoops.
7:49
I start adding them you know as a sort of you know way to way to impress my date.
7:55
Yeah would you be impressed by a man coming into a date somersaulting and hula hooping.
8:01
I think the somersaulting would be a little bit cooler.
8:03
Thank you.
8:04
Because then you've got to hang up your hula hoop for the rest of the day.
8:07
Like it is a part of the date now you know and that's kind of I don't like that.
8:12
So but I don't know guys you guys are acting like it's a whole production.
8:16
And it's more of a get to know someone.
8:18
But you want them to get to know you.
8:20
You don't really care about the one.
8:22
Are you somersaulting often like that's a that's a part of your personality that you want to showcase.
8:27
Yeah yeah I mean especially oh you mean like just in general in life am I somersaulting
8:32
often or like in the date am I somersaulting.
8:34
Yeah like in your life like is that something that comes up.
8:37
Yes.
8:37
Okay so she should know.
8:39
But also in the day anytime she gets bored you just do a somersault.
8:42
We made a conversation like oh it's time do some somersaults.
8:50
What are you all wearing to a day like what's your what's your go to get up.
8:53
Mainly denim.
8:55
Yeah that's really cool.
8:56
I feel like it'd be hard to somersault in denim though.
8:59
Canadian tuxedo.
9:00
That's what makes it more impressive.
9:01
Especially since you start the heck out of your denim.
9:04
Yes exactly like it's very stiff.
9:07
And if you're wearing a denim shirt with a denim coat and denim pants and denim socks
9:11
and you still get a somersault off after it's been starched heavily.
9:15
I think that just goes to show how athletic and lumber you are.
9:18
Evan actually has a pair of his starched overalls sitting over here in the corner.
9:22
They are standing up by themselves.
9:24
Yeah I like to jump off of my bed and just land right in them.
9:28
That's how I get ready in the morning.
9:30
I imagine you somersaulting and overstarched them like somebody tossing a two by four down some stairs.
9:36
It's that but it's also like a starfish.
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So I get the arms starched up so you don't really have to like bend your arms up.
9:46
They're already there.
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So you just have to kind of tip over and you're doing a somersault.
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So you're walking around like somebody's holding you up throughout the rest of the day.
9:52
Exactly like I'm being robbed most of the day.
9:55
That's what it looks like.
9:56
People come up to you like are you okay?
9:58
And you're like yeah totally.
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Someone have a gun to your back and you're like I'm good.
10:02
Personally what I would wear is just tennis shoes.
10:06
No shirt no pants.
10:08
Upside down shirt on my legs and then I tie the shirt around.
10:12
So I have my legs going through the arms of the shirt and I use the bottom of the shirt as kind of a waist.
10:17
And what I'm trying to show my date is how versatile I can be.
10:23
I can use certain things and make them be able to do other things.
10:27
So now I do wonder how high do you pull the shirt up?
10:31
All the way up.
10:31
I look like a 85 year old man in some really weird swimming trunks.
10:39
Like a diaper.
10:40
I do wonder because you know the neck hole of the shirt would be at a very certain spot.
10:46
And that's what I'm worried about.
10:49
Because you said you're not wearing anything but shoes.
10:52
Yes I have always believed that pants don't have enough ventilation.
10:55
And the neck hole in the shirt just provides the nice breeze that everybody looks for.
11:00
So you don't leave anything on this date to the imagination?
11:03
No I like to show all my cards at one time.
11:08
Well I think it also shows that you're one of those hippie people because you're basically wearing a cloth diaper.
11:15
Yeah and I don't go to the bathroom.
11:16
You're environmentally conscious?
11:17
I don't go to the bathroom and that hole in the shirt not only adds ventilation.
11:20
It adds an exit to any body function that I might have.
11:24
Yeah that's what I was gonna say.
11:26
I mean it really lends itself to showing how just accessible you are.
11:30
Yeah and how just open and free.
11:32
It's a picture of my emotional state.
11:34
Yeah but you're also ingenuitive because you just cut out having to take your pants down to use the bathroom.
11:39
Thank you.
11:39
It's all in one step.
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This is the thing I want to show to women but they never get it.
11:44
Evan gets it.
11:44
Evan understands.
11:46
I wish you were a girl.
11:48
I wish you were a girl.
11:49
I wish you had more womanly features.
11:51
Yeah but I forgot to mention that the shoes are velcro shoes.
11:54
Velcro tie.
11:55
I don't tie shoes and that just again shows I'm efficient.
11:58
I'm ingenuitive and really I think that's whatever a girl wants.
12:02
What about you Alan?
12:02
What are you wearing?
12:04
I would say I'm coming in with a Fred Flintstone style outfit.
12:10
Just like a skin tunic?
12:13
Is that what you thought?
12:13
Yeah he's kind of I want to say he's got sort of like a prehistoric leopard hide kind of over him.
12:20
I don't think he wears pants either.
12:22
I think it's sort of a toga scenario.
12:25
It sounds like you guys don't like pants.
12:29
All about the breeze.
12:32
Pants do seem a little in the way.
12:35
Very restrictive.
12:36
But I want to show them that I'm a formal person and Fred Flintstone always wears that little blue tie.
12:42
So you're dressing up as Fred Flintstone.
12:44
Yeah.
12:44
You are Fred Flintstone.
12:45
So it's cosplay.
12:46
Yeah how do you get there?
12:48
Well after I leave Comic-Con I go to the date.
12:51
I take the bus.
12:55
Of course.
12:56
So before I get to the next question what would you think a girl would think about the way we dress on a first date?
13:01
Like what are her thoughts?
13:02
This sounds pretty bad.
13:04
I mean the full denim is not terrible.
13:08
Of the three.
13:10
I'm seeing a bit of a bias.
13:12
No no no.
13:15
You guys are not wearing pants on your dates.
13:17
So there's no bias.
13:22
There's a bias towards pants.
13:24
She would have gone with anybody that's wearing pants.
13:27
I prefer my men with bottoms on you know.
13:31
I know Alan's already answered this question with a bus.
13:34
Evan what are you driving up in to the first date to show off?
13:37
Well my daily driver lately has been a poorly made replica of the Batmobile.
13:43
Nice.
13:43
It's basically just a...
13:45
How poorly?
13:46
Okay well it's basically just a little tyke truck with spray painted black.
13:51
It's got some paper mache wings just taped to the side of it and the nose is just a traffic cone.
13:58
Also spray painted black.
14:01
And then I have a go-kart engine attached to the back to make it vroom vroom a little bit.
14:04
That's very cool.
14:05
That's very cool.
14:06
What do you think about that car?
14:08
It's interesting.
14:09
I will say you were dedicated to your arts and crafts.
14:12
Thank you.
14:12
Which is nice.
14:14
Give him all the compliments Alan.
14:17
It really does.
14:18
Yeah.
14:20
But most women would like a guy who owns a vehicle.
14:25
That's a vehicle.
14:26
That's a vehicle.
14:27
Can it fit two people in it?
14:29
Snuggly.
14:31
What about groceries or pets or anything like that?
14:34
So I'm not the type of guy to buy any of those things.
14:37
Okay.
14:38
So you're not ready for a relationship?
14:40
No I am.
14:41
We would just do it in your car or your daily driver.
14:44
Okay.
14:45
You're looking for a woman with a car.
14:46
I have more of a sports car.
14:50
You would have more of the...
14:51
It's a coupe.
14:52
Yeah.
14:54
So I would expect you to provide more of the utility vehicle.
14:59
Coming in already asking for her to own a...
15:02
Well I'm allowed to have expectations as well.
15:04
That's fair.
15:05
That's a fair guy coming from a baby car.
15:08
What do you think about Alan riding public transportation to the date?
15:12
I think that's smart.
15:13
It's better for the environment.
15:14
That's... yes.
15:15
He's saving money.
15:16
Eco-friendly.
15:18
It really does make sense.
15:18
He's the only person on the bus though.
15:21
I mean great.
15:22
Less germs.
15:22
There's so many perks here.
15:24
I'm also a city bus driver.
15:30
That's why I take the bus to the date.
15:32
He drives his bus.
15:35
Oh gosh.
15:36
Really the exact opposite of Evan's vehicle.
15:38
Evan has one small seat.
15:40
Alan has...
15:41
Alan has room for groceries.
15:43
70 seats.
15:45
And it sounds like he makes his own schedule at work.
15:47
So basically a boss.
15:51
He has room for kids.
15:53
He's willing to grow, you know.
15:55
It's a man ready for a relationship.
15:57
Well I like that you mentioned eco-friendly.
16:00
The thing I would drive to a date is a bike.
16:02
Very eco-friendly.
16:03
I wouldn't have a back tire to it though.
16:05
So to me...
16:05
It's just me...
16:10
It's just me driving up on a bike with the metal tongs hanging on the ground.
16:19
Creating sparks.
16:21
So you're really not riding this as much as you are just dragging it.
16:26
Yeah.
16:27
I'm dragging the back half of this.
16:29
It would be more efficient just to walk there.
16:32
It would be easier.
16:33
What it would provide me is a great pickup line of once I get there I go,
16:37
I'm missing something and you would complete me.
16:40
Is she a tire?
16:42
And then I would ask if you have an extra tire laying around.
16:46
Chain and...
16:48
You guys are expecting a lot from this first date.
16:52
Kind of the final pre-question here.
16:54
Before we get into the real hard questions.
16:56
What are y'all's conversation starters as y'all enter a date?
17:01
I say, how much access to dirt do you have?
17:09
I really need to know.
17:12
What about you Evan?
17:13
What's your first...
17:15
What's your starting line if Alan's asking for dirt?
17:20
You know any big plots of land with holes in the ground?
17:24
Are you and Alan working together?
17:27
I wouldn't say that.
17:28
We're actually when we go on dates we're in back to back boots.
17:36
We just really like to fill holes with dirt.
17:42
We're like the opposite of the movie holes.
17:44
Just like to fill holes.
17:46
Alan's date gives a positive reaction to that.
17:49
Yes, I have dirt.
17:50
Alan peeks his head over the booth to Evan.
17:52
He goes, did you hear that?
17:54
We're good.
17:54
We're good.
17:54
We reach behind to do a little high five on the sides of the booth.
17:59
For me the first thing I'm gonna say is how many fist fights have you been in?
18:04
I want a lady that can handle herself.
18:06
And by that I need somebody to protect me.
18:12
I need somebody that knows the streets well.
18:14
The second thing I would do is I would insinuate that I'm not wearing socks.
18:19
I would tell her I am insinuating I am not wearing socks.
18:25
You're not insinuating.
18:27
And you're not telling her.
18:28
You're telling her you're insinuating.
18:31
So is it do you let her answer your first question or do you just go straight into it?
18:34
I walk I sit down.
18:36
Hi, I'm Zach.
18:37
How many fist fights have you been in?
18:39
I'm insinuating I'm not wearing socks.
18:43
But what do you think about those questions if a guy comes up to you and says do you have dirt?
18:47
Or he goes do you have land with holes in it?
18:50
Or a guy tells you that he's insinuating that he does not have socks.
18:53
What's your reaction as a girl?
18:55
Oh, it's all very strange.
18:57
I do think it's weird that you're looking for dirt,
19:00
but also looking for a place to put the dirt that you don't even have.
19:03
You don't have holes.
19:04
You don't have dirt.
19:05
You're just like on the quest for these two things.
19:08
It doesn't make any sense.
19:09
We're two steps ahead of everybody else.
19:11
That's all it is.
19:12
We're thinking ahead.
19:13
You're gonna plan your Saturday.
19:14
Exactly.
19:14
And the sock thing, it just you're already not wearing pants.
19:20
I just it's off to a rocky start.
19:22
That means I'm just wearing Velcro shoes with no socks.
19:26
They just smell really bad.
19:28
They don't smell great.
19:29
So just from the beginning of this date, what would you kind of rate us and our answers?
19:35
Are we going are we already at a second date?
19:37
Like as the girl chosen to date us again just from the beginning?
19:40
No, I think you're at if you could be at a minus date.
19:43
That's where you if she could rewind time, she would go back and never do this easily.
19:49
That hurts to hear.
19:52
Well, yeah, that does hurt.
19:53
So now that we have gotten out the first things we would say,
19:57
what are common dating questions that are usually asked?
20:00
Well, one question a lot of women want to know is what kind of qualities
20:05
you're looking for in a significant other.
20:07
And that's important.
20:08
Yeah, you got to know if what you want and what she wants are kind of aligned.
20:12
Sure.
20:13
Well, all right, boys, what qualities are you looking for in women?
20:16
I have to say I'm really just want to make sure she's not an amputee.
20:21
Now, this would be easy to spot pretty quickly, Alan.
20:24
Do you do any more checks?
20:26
I feel like it's rude to just check her legs to see if she's an amputee.
20:31
Yeah, that's the rude part.
20:34
Instead, before I even sit down at the at the date, I get right up by her face.
20:39
I get into her ear and I say, are you an amputee? I don't beat around the bush.
20:43
I just ask the question.
20:44
Oh, you go. You don't go. How nubby are you?
20:48
You got all them limbs.
20:52
You start spitting facts. The average person has four limbs.
20:56
How many do you have?
20:59
Now, if you had to do an average of the amount of limbs you have on your body,
21:03
what would you answer?
21:04
What are your thoughts on prosthetics?
21:09
So, yeah, I just I like to do that.
21:12
I like to make sure that a significant other has all their digits.
21:15
I look at about a minimum of eight toes.
21:18
Nice.
21:18
So I'm going to give them a couple.
21:20
That's nice of you.
21:21
That's actually good.
21:22
I know that nobody's perfect.
21:25
Sometimes people might be missing a toe or two, and that's fine.
21:28
I want to give them the benefit of the doubt just as long as those toes are on the end of
21:33
the foot and not in the middle.
21:35
Oh, OK. Wow.
21:36
There's a lot of stipulation.
21:37
Kind of creepy.
21:41
There's a lot of stipulations in gray area for the women you like.
21:45
It's a real minefield for them to have to play to figure out if you'll like them.
21:48
Well, if they went through a minefield, they might be might be an amputee.
21:54
So is there a number of limbs?
21:57
I know you said fingers and toes.
21:58
There's a number of limbs that you'll require.
22:01
Like, can they be missing an arm and still have three limbs and you'll be OK?
22:04
No, they don't need to be missing anything.
22:05
OK.
22:06
Matter of fact, if they were born with the third arm, that would be better.
22:10
I would appreciate that more.
22:13
I was going to ask you what happens if they have an extra limb.
22:17
If they have an extra limb, I keep a ring in my pocket just in case.
22:22
So have you been hanging out around Chernobyl a lot recently?
22:28
Yeah, I've been getting some flights up there. I have a lot of extra miles.
22:36
Just looking for that three arm somebody.
22:40
Aren't we all?
22:43
What about you, Evan?
22:44
What are you looking for in a significant other?
22:47
I'm looking for somebody that they've got a real passion for apples and the taste,
22:52
the feel, the overall goodness of an apple.
22:55
They've got to respect that and they've got to love that.
22:57
Yeah. Do you bring apples on your first date and let them kind of explore your apples?
23:02
Yeah. So I've already talked about how I like there to be an entertainment piece of my
23:08
entrance and my first date.
23:09
Yeah, absolutely.
23:10
Once I'm done doing my somersaults and my starch denim, I like to whip out the apples
23:16
that I brought in my pouch that's attached to my denim pouch that's attached to my outfit,
23:20
to my hip.
23:22
And I like to whip three, maybe four Granny Smiths out of there and just start juggling
23:26
those bad boys at the table.
23:28
I say, what do you think about this?
23:30
Say, how do you feel?
23:30
How do you feel?
23:31
How do you feel feel about what I'm doing right now?
23:33
And they say, oh, it's how tingly is your undercarriage?
23:37
Yeah. Yeah.
23:37
Right now.
23:38
They say, no, this is, this is awesome.
23:41
Usually is what they say.
23:43
And then I say, how do you feel about, uh, and I, I dropped one to four into their lap
23:48
and I say, what does this object make you feel?
23:51
And they say, yeah, it's an apple.
23:53
And they say, oh, that's a, that's a nice apple.
23:56
I'm like, you're right.
23:57
It is.
23:57
You have good eyes.
23:58
And I toss all three up.
23:59
They all land in my pouch.
24:00
Nice.
24:01
Close it.
24:01
I say, you take a bite of that apple.
24:03
You tell me what it does to your body, to your mind.
24:05
She takes a bite of the apple.
24:07
And if they get that tingling feeling all throughout their body, you know that they're,
24:10
they're in the clear.
24:11
They're the one.
24:12
Yeah.
24:12
Now this sounds like a specific date.
24:14
Now I'm going to look towards Savannah.
24:15
Was this y'all's first date?
24:18
He, uh, has never, I don't know that you've ever brought me an apple personally, so maybe
24:24
I'm not the right girl for you, but I am curious.
24:28
Is it more about the juggling or about the apple?
24:30
Cause I mean, so it can be two things.
24:32
Yeah.
24:32
I mean, it could be two in one.
24:33
I want them to be impressed by the juggling.
24:35
Obviously I worked long and hard to learn this, but then once I'm done with that,
24:38
they got to be all about the apple.
24:39
They're not all about the apples.
24:41
Then what did I just juggle for?
24:43
You know, exactly.
24:44
What if they're more of a, what if they're more of a citrus gal?
24:47
What happens in that situation?
24:49
Those are oranges, Evan.
24:51
Lemons, lime.
24:52
Take a second.
24:54
Grapefruit.
24:55
He was trying to figure out what a citrus was.
24:59
I saw the wheels.
25:00
He only knows apples.
25:02
There's smoke coming out of my ears right now.
25:04
Citrus.
25:06
There are other fruits and apples.
25:07
We don't talk about those in my household.
25:10
Okay.
25:10
If you bring orange to a date, what are you doing?
25:14
You got to peel that bad boy.
25:16
You're taking time out of the date to peel an orange.
25:18
Yeah.
25:19
And then you got to eat it slice by slice by slice.
25:22
Like, come on, take a bite out of an apple.
25:25
What if they just take a bite out of the orange without peeling it?
25:27
Then they're psychopaths, obviously.
25:30
There was nothing more to be done there.
25:32
You can eat a peel.
25:33
You shouldn't.
25:35
You can kill people.
25:36
That doesn't mean that you should.
25:38
Now, Evan, is it true that you call citrus, cintrists?
25:40
I do.
25:41
Yeah.
25:41
Because they're full of sin.
25:42
Yeah.
25:42
Full of sin and leads to bad things.
25:45
Yeah, I agree.
25:45
Just a lot of lust comes out of oranges.
25:48
Now, last question for me.
25:52
Last question for me is you said you had three to four apples.
25:55
Is that the amount of apples you have overall?
25:58
Or do you have kind of more apples stored away in your denim sack?
26:01
My denim sack can hold about a baker's dozen of apples.
26:05
That's 13, right?
26:06
It is.
26:07
13?
26:07
I think so.
26:09
I think so because it started with a dozen and then, I don't know,
26:12
I just happened to pot another apple one day and it just landed in my pocket.
26:15
And I was like, well, that's a baker's dozen.
26:17
So how long have you had these apples in your satchel?
26:20
So I think it's about, when was the last time I got my denim starched?
26:24
I think it was like six months ago.
26:26
So these are kind of gooey.
26:30
No, I mean, when I juggle them, there's juices that go everywhere.
26:33
I got to say that.
26:34
And the smell is not great.
26:36
It's more about bringing attention to what an apple is than the apple itself.
26:41
You really love apples if you love the gooey ones.
26:44
Yeah, the gooey, just oozing brown and bruised, kind of like a picture of my heart.
26:50
Yeah.
26:51
It sounds like you need to go see a doctor.
26:53
Yeah, because I've been in a denim pouch for six months
26:56
with 13 other of me or 12 other of me.
27:01
Well, for me, y'all know I have high standards.
27:04
Oh, yeah.
27:04
The date I'm on must reach all of those standards.
27:07
So I kind of have a list here that I want to read out to y'all.
27:10
In Savannah, you can chime in, I know you have to wait for a man's approval to chime in.
27:15
So I'll let you chime in here.
27:18
We'll wait for Evan to give us a green light.
27:23
So first of all, I want someone who collects animal parts, feet, tails.
27:29
If I come in and the girl has a jar of mice tails, I'm for it.
27:33
I might ask, what do you do with the bodies?
27:35
So you just want the parts, you don't want like the entire thing intact?
27:40
No, yeah, just the parts.
27:40
I just want a jar full of mice tails.
27:42
That's a big, big thing for me.
27:44
And if she maybe has the bodies, maybe we throw them at school buses passing by.
27:49
Wow.
27:50
First, I was going to say this is very Harry Potter of you.
27:53
Maybe you're doing some spells with these things, but now it just sounds like you're an evil person.
27:57
But what it provides is not only an interesting conversation piece, but an activity after.
28:04
That's true.
28:04
We have the date.
28:06
We throw the dead rat bodies at school buses passing by.
28:09
Yeah, some people like dinner in a movie.
28:10
Some people like dinner and throwing rat bodies at school buses.
28:13
It's kind of like bowling.
28:16
The next thing on my list is here, someone who kind of creeps around at night.
28:20
She doesn't need to come out during the day.
28:22
She needs to creep in the shadows in the night.
28:25
So you want a rat.
28:26
That's what I'm hearing.
28:29
Maybe that's why she makes up for the fact she doesn't have tails by other rat tails.
28:33
Does she walk on all fours?
28:34
Is that her creeping?
28:36
Maybe or just on her hands, kind of feet in the air.
28:38
I don't know.
28:39
I don't have a standard for that, but as long as she only creeps in the shadows.
28:43
I assume she has night vision.
28:46
Not goggles, but like her eyes are just adapted to the night.
28:48
She legitimately has the splinter cell type night vision goggles.
28:54
So all you can see when you walk into this girl's house is darkness.
28:58
And all of a sudden you hear the night vision goggles turn on and the green circles come
29:04
from a corner somewhere.
29:05
You should clicking.
29:06
And you're like, I'm honey.
29:07
I'm home.
29:09
I've been expecting you.
29:13
And next thing on my list is someone who exclusively tries to cough in other people's mouths.
29:20
She sees somebody talking, comes up, cough right in their mouth.
29:23
Now, one question I do have.
29:26
Just one.
29:29
This is the only one I'll ask.
29:31
I'll let you keep going with that.
29:33
But why?
29:38
Is it like she's trying to build up those people's immunity?
29:42
Yes.
29:42
And also it also shows how quick and fast she is.
29:46
Somebody opens her mouth.
29:47
You have to be very fast, very agile to get to that person's mouth and cough in their mouth.
29:51
So I want somebody that's very agile.
29:53
I guess it also helps show that she's paying attention to the people.
29:56
She's giving them attention.
29:58
She's listening.
30:00
And she realizes that they've stopped talking and they're about to cough.
30:03
So she's like, let me get in there.
30:05
I want to let you know that I've been listening.
30:08
You took that as they also have to be coughing.
30:11
Oh, I thought, yeah, I did take that as they're coughing.
30:14
And then she wanted to cough.
30:17
That's my bad.
30:18
It's like a battle of coughing.
30:19
Yeah.
30:20
She was like, if you're going to open your mouth to cough, then I'm also going to cough in your mouth.
30:24
It's kind of like a counteract to keep their germs in.
30:28
Really, what I feel like you're looking for is, Zach, you are a COVID denier.
30:32
So I don't look for somebody who's not wearing a mask so that they can cough into somebody else.
30:39
Yeah.
30:39
It's just a crime of opportunity.
30:41
What did you?
30:42
And finally, I want a girl who has all the qualities of a school shooter,
30:48
but without the school shooting.
30:51
Like knee high boots.
30:52
Knee high boots, trench coat, on edge all the time.
30:56
Maybe talking about how easy it could to shoot up a school.
31:01
Somebody with like a notebook that has a lot of scribbles in it.
31:03
A lot of names.
31:04
Yeah.
31:04
A lot of.
31:05
When they get mad, they just start writing in that book.
31:08
Maybe doesn't wear deodorant.
31:10
Just all the qualities that you might see in a school shooter without the act.
31:14
I don't want them to go shoot a school.
31:15
You know, I don't want that.
31:16
That's where you draw the line.
31:17
I draw the line there.
31:19
But it has a lot of weapons.
31:22
I will say, Zach, I think this girl you're looking for is definitely single.
31:26
Like she is out there, she is single and she's ready for you.
31:31
Don't make her mad.
31:33
She's been plotting.
31:34
Your name goes in that book.
31:36
She sees a kid and goes, I think it popped that one from a quarter mile.
31:40
So, Savannah, like now that you see the type of women that us three are looking for,
31:48
what do you kind of have to say?
31:50
Very specific.
31:52
I'll say that.
31:54
I have a couple of pros to be nice.
31:56
Let's hear it.
31:57
Yeah, that's great.
31:58
I will say at least Alan's very straightforward.
32:00
Women like a straightforward man who kind of gets to the point.
32:03
He's a little rude, but at least he knows what he knows, what he wants.
32:07
Evan's thing, at least he brings treats.
32:10
They're old treats.
32:11
Nasty, smashed apples.
32:14
He has a skill.
32:15
Juggling is really hard.
32:16
So at least he has that skill.
32:18
Yeah, a little layer.
32:19
And then Zach is looking for someone very specific.
32:24
And if he finds her, I mean, that's immediate true love.
32:27
You know what I mean?
32:28
Like that is it.
32:29
You get married pretty quick.
32:30
Like that's end game for you.
32:32
So, but I think it will be hard to find those qualities in one person.
32:36
He's in one person.
32:40
Maybe a couple.
32:41
I don't know if you're going to hit all four, but.
32:44
Well, that's good.
32:45
That gives us hope.
32:46
And maybe other people listening can kind of take those good qualities
32:50
and kind of apply it to their own lives.
32:52
But let me tell you, you find somebody that wants to smash some rats
32:55
against the school bus as it passes by, you found true love.
32:58
What's the next question that's asked normally at a date, Savannah?
33:02
OK, so another question would be either where do you like to go on dates
33:07
or what are you doing on a date?
33:09
Like, is it a dinner and movie situation?
33:11
Are you going putt putting?
33:12
Like, what is the what is the date going to be?
33:16
Yeah, girls like to do things.
33:17
So you got to you got it.
33:18
You can't just sit and stare at a wall, you know, sit and stare at each other
33:22
and just heavy breathe.
33:23
You got to do something.
33:25
Which is why, again, I wish you were a woman.
33:28
I could stare at a wall with you for hours.
33:30
There's some there's some very interesting walls out there,
33:33
and I just can't figure out why girls don't like to look at walls.
33:36
All right, boys, what are y'all what are y'all doing on dates?
33:39
I would say an activity on my date.
33:41
I like to I like to show my date that I'm a family man.
33:45
So I like to take that date back over to my grandmother's house.
33:48
Sweet. That's sweet.
33:49
Yeah, I have an archaic grandmother that I think a little less sweet, a little less sweet.
33:56
She's very mobile, so that could be kind of dangerous.
34:00
How mobile?
34:03
Former Olympic athlete.
34:04
Very mobile.
34:06
So we have an issue with her, you know, just being on the move
34:09
and then all of a sudden falling asleep.
34:12
So somebody's got to be there at all times.
34:14
She's mid pole vault.
34:15
She just knocks out.
34:17
Yeah.
34:17
Your grandma's still pole vaults.
34:21
She's an Olympic athlete.
34:22
I mean, she's a great athlete.
34:24
She's an Olympic athlete.
34:26
It sounds like you give her a broom and just push her.
34:32
And she falls over the couch and now it's like, good boys.
34:39
They're homemade Olympics.
34:40
It's not even like she's not a real Olympic athlete.
34:43
They're like really special.
34:45
So you're going to bring home a girl and you're just going to be like,
34:48
watch my Olympic grandmother and you shove her over a couch.
34:52
I don't have to shove her over the couch.
34:54
We just have to make sure that she doesn't pass out doing something dangerous,
34:59
like starting a fire or something.
35:02
It's not an Olympic sport.
35:03
She's got a wood burning stove.
35:06
Sometimes she gets really up in there and just trying to light that fire,
35:11
you know, like we all do, trying to light that fire.
35:14
And then she'll just immediately go to sleep.
35:16
So somebody's got to get in there and rescue Nana.
35:18
Yeah.
35:18
So, so what does the date entail?
35:25
Are you just looking for extra help to take care of your grandmother?
35:29
Are you familiar with like home help companies?
35:31
Yes.
35:31
That's essentially what it is.
35:34
So you're looking to date someone to hire them into your home health.
35:37
Are you playing her?
35:39
Oh no, I mean, I'll buy her dinner, you know.
35:41
Okay, that's not good.
35:42
He's a gentleman.
35:43
Yeah.
35:44
Silver's not dead.
35:45
Yeah.
35:45
And Nana's not dead either, thanks to his date.
35:48
I like to look for somebody that has been in the nursing field.
35:53
Maybe somebody who has experience with a battlefield triage.
36:00
Because your Nana, the only way she likes to be cared for is like a civil war soldier.
36:05
Right?
36:06
Like loose bandages, everything's just wrapped around the head.
36:10
It's like you give her a piece of wood to put in her mouth to bite down on as you saw off one of her legs.
36:15
Yeah, that's exactly how it is.
36:17
And she only communicates via civil war style letters.
36:22
So I'll be in the next room and she'll deliver me a letter,
36:26
Dearest Alan, the war rages on.
36:30
The winter has been tough.
36:32
General Lee's forces, they continue to move in on us.
36:36
She was on a very, she has very certain beliefs.
36:40
This side.
36:45
I think that means she's on the right side, right?
36:48
Because General Lee was the Confederate one, right?
36:50
Yeah.
36:51
Just making sure we're okay.
36:52
So grandma's good.
36:53
If Lee's forces are moving in on her, then she's obviously a Union lady.
36:57
Oh, okay.
36:57
She's on the right side of history.
37:00
So do you normally tell your date in these situations that this is going to be your job?
37:04
Or do you just kind of tell her, Hey, first date, let's go see my grandma.
37:09
The girl's like, Oh, that's very romantic.
37:11
Somebody takes care of a grandma, a great significant other.
37:14
And then you show up, you, she walks in, you walk in behind her, you go, well,
37:18
guess I'll see you later.
37:19
And then you just kind of leave.
37:20
And now this girl's kind of left in with your narcoleptic grandmother.
37:23
Yeah. I like to let her fall backwards into it sort of.
37:26
So she thinks it's really sweet.
37:28
We're going to visit a narcoleptic nanny.
37:30
Call her that.
37:31
Well, yeah. I mean, not to be confused with my other grandmother,
37:37
who's, who's your other grandmother, Alan?
37:39
She's just a normal grandmother.
37:40
Oh, do you call her normal grandmother?
37:42
I call her normal grandmother.
37:45
We call her, we say we're going to go visit normie.
37:48
She's a normie.
37:49
So yeah, we just kind of, we get to the house.
37:51
I kind of show her, show her around, show her the ropes,
37:53
get her to understand kind of, kind of what she's dealing with.
37:56
Um, and then I kind of, I head to the living room, turn on the TV,
37:59
watch some reruns of Matlock while, uh, while my date takes care of, uh,
38:05
takes care of my grandmother.
38:08
She's in there helping her on the toilet.
38:10
You're just like flipping through channels.
38:12
Yeah. All right.
38:13
Savannah, what do you think as a, as a, as a girl, professional woman,
38:17
how do you see this date?
38:18
Is it a good date as a first date or?
38:20
Well, at least it shows that he cares about his narcoleptic nanny.
38:25
So, uh, that is the only positive I can come up with right now, but that is,
38:32
that is what I have for you.
38:33
That that is, you obviously care about her wellbeing.
38:36
Would you, would he get a second date if that were the first?
38:39
I mean, if she really liked your nanny, like what if they become friends,
38:42
you know, then it could just kind of stay in the family.
38:44
But what if you learn your passion of, uh, home health, you know,
38:48
yeah.
38:49
I mean, maybe you just want to move into being a nurse for sure.
38:52
Yeah.
38:53
Yeah. Well, I appreciate the honesty and, um, I guess I'll let you guys know how,
38:58
how it turns out.
38:59
So you look for a girl that has dirt and you have a grandmother on the edge of death.
39:04
Now, this isn't necessarily hard math to do.
39:08
Are you looking for an accomplice that can hide your grandmother's body after she dies?
39:12
I don't know what gave you the idea.
39:13
She's on the edge of death.
39:15
She's just narcoleptic.
39:18
She's very fit as a fiddle.
39:21
Well, Zach's been saying for years.
39:22
Yeah. Anyone over 60 is on the edge of death to him.
39:26
Yeah.
39:26
I'll say you don't have to hide the body if she just dies.
39:28
Yeah.
39:29
Like that, you just have a normal funeral.
39:33
It's just a course of life.
39:36
Maybe, maybe I did the math wrong there.
39:38
I apologize.
39:41
All right, Evan, where are you taking your first date?
39:44
We like to saute on down to the, uh, saunter on us at saute.
39:49
I was like, oh, a cooking date.
39:51
It's nice.
39:53
We like to saunter on down to the local oil rig, uh, wrap some chains around the big drill
40:01
and just get to work.
40:02
Just absolutely get, get to work trying to see if there's some, some liquid gold down there,
40:08
you know, some black gold, some black gold.
40:10
See if there's any of that.
40:11
And if you, if you date a black girl, you, that's a great pickup line.
40:15
You can say I'm looking for black gold and I've already found it.
40:18
Hey, there you go.
40:19
Yeah, we, we, we get on our full denim.
40:24
It starts to not soak up too much oil.
40:26
Still on the dome thing.
40:27
Yeah.
40:28
And we head on down to the oil field and we whip some chains around and really like to
40:33
show off our muscles.
40:34
I want to see how they work the drill.
40:36
See if they, they know anything about the oil industry.
40:39
Yeah.
40:40
See how it works.
40:41
The, the ins and outs of it.
40:42
Cause now do you get money incentive for hiring new employees to these oil drills?
40:49
It's just a little bit.
40:50
Like I get like a $5,000 signing bonus for them signing.
40:54
So I'm kind of not, not sure that I believe you work in the oil industry because you keep
41:00
saying whipping chains around.
41:03
That's what you do.
41:03
You whip it around the big drill and then that's, I've watched the videos.
41:07
That's all I know.
41:08
I don't know.
41:12
But I know that that doesn't sound right.
41:14
Listen, what are you big oil?
41:16
Listen, there's very specific things you do with the oil rig.
41:20
I'm not allowed to say what they are.
41:22
I'm just here to recruit people into the, I would like for our listeners to comment,
41:27
leave a comment somehow and let us know about big oil.
41:30
Do you have to use chains in oil?
41:32
You know, people who work in oil fields love to talk about it.
41:35
So I'm sure you'll get plenty of responses.
41:37
Okay.
41:37
Yeah.
41:38
All right.
41:38
Much like our NASCAR viewers, we also cater to the oil industry, the farmers, oil industry,
41:44
women, NASCAR, big supporters, women.
41:46
We hit most demographics.
41:48
Yeah.
41:48
Now, when you pick up these women for their first date,
41:52
because apparently this is not a date, it's just you doing your job.
41:54
That's disrespectful.
41:56
You look like a rough neck.
41:58
Yeah, of course.
41:58
Does that usually get them?
41:59
When you tell a woman they look like a rough neck.
42:01
Oh, I'm telling them they look like a rough neck.
42:03
Yeah.
42:04
I say, you got some man hands.
42:07
You got some rough hands on you.
42:10
Can you tell that one girl that she was, and I quote, built like a plow horse?
42:18
Well, sometimes that's how I kind of like,
42:24
that's how I like to get them.
42:25
And I say, hey, you're built like a John Deere tractor.
42:29
You want to work on an oil rig with me.
42:33
And that's kind of how I test them to see if they got what I need, you know?
42:37
Yeah.
42:37
Do you have a high success rate with this?
42:39
Of course.
42:39
Yeah.
42:40
Of course.
42:40
Look at me.
42:40
As you say, there's a lot of rough language in the oil industry.
42:44
What's some of the common jabs that you'd hear working around the field, around the pump?
42:49
Somebody's not doing what you're looking for.
42:53
Somebody's not really living up to your standard of work.
42:56
You say, brother, you got soft hands, don't you?
43:00
You say, hey, lady, you look like a small mongoose.
43:04
You need to be more built like a John Deere.
43:07
You need to look like a grizzly bear in the Arctic.
43:11
You want, you want a diesel powered people, not battery powered.
43:14
Exactly.
43:15
And they look at you, they say, you got your college degree, don't you?
43:18
Yeah.
43:18
I bet you use word.
43:23
Wait, like the Microsoft software?
43:25
Yeah.
43:26
Or words in general, English language.
43:29
You just use language.
43:31
I bet you use word.
43:32
You communicate.
43:33
Now, Savannah, you're probably good to your wife, aren't you?
43:37
Little boy.
43:38
I bet there are no holes in your wall.
43:44
Now, Savannah, what do you think about this first date?
43:47
Is this conducive for a second date?
43:50
Do you think a lot of women will enjoy this date?
43:52
No, I don't.
43:56
I don't have a single positive thing about this date.
43:58
I don't have a single positive thing about this date.
44:00
I don't have a single positive thing about this.
44:06
I hate manual labor.
44:08
So just why I did go to college.
44:11
So I just, I don't see this one swinging your way.
44:14
Something you say a lot too, you're since you hate manual labor
44:17
and you hate people that do manual labor, you say,
44:20
at least I don't work on Saturdays.
44:23
That's it.
44:23
Which is a tough thing to hear.
44:26
Someone, you said that.
44:27
And we'd like to say we're clocking in on the Saturday.
44:30
Yeah, this is Saturday.
44:32
I'm doing things on my Saturday I don't want to do.
44:34
We are pro Saturday workers.
44:37
Yeah, that's just Savannah.
44:39
It's in a bubble, in a vacuum.
44:40
She's only here.
44:41
She'll be gone soon.
44:43
Okay, Saturday workers, just stick with us through this.
44:46
Okay.
44:47
What do you think about Evan calling women built like a plow horse?
44:51
They have rough hands.
44:53
You look like a rough neck.
44:54
Are these things that would go over well with women?
44:56
It would not go over well with me.
44:58
There's a specific type of woman that might like that,
45:00
but I don't know if you're getting these dates from job applications from the oil field,
45:06
but I don't know how else this would be good for you.
45:11
A lot of female welders you're dating.
45:14
So not good outlook for Evans for a state.
45:17
No, not if it was with me.
45:19
Maybe there's a specific-
45:21
A burly woman, a handsome woman that would do well with it.
45:26
She might be out there.
45:26
She might be looking for work.
45:27
I don't know, but-
45:28
Oh, well.
45:29
All fun.
45:30
What about you, Zach?
45:31
How you feeling?
45:32
So for my first date, I want to show a girl, a woman that I am good with money
45:39
and that I can budget.
45:41
So I am not going to pay for her food.
45:46
What I'm going to do is I'm going to convince her to check into a hospital.
45:50
We are in the same hospital room.
45:52
We eat hospital food.
45:53
Our date will be pre and post surgery for fake injuries that we might or might not have.
45:59
And then we kind of get hospital food, the classically lovable hospital food that everybody loves.
46:06
So, and we get fun new gowns.
46:08
We get people that are doting on us.
46:11
Isn't a hospital stay more expensive than just a meal?
46:14
Yeah, I was going to say you are just-
46:15
That's way more expensive.
46:16
Millions of dollars in medical bills.
46:18
You don't have universal healthcare.
46:19
Yeah, these dates do kind of-
46:21
You don't even have insurance.
46:22
Yeah, these dates do kind of tend to drain my wallet.
46:26
But I'm not paying for the food.
46:28
I'm paying for the double-
46:30
Experience.
46:31
Yeah.
46:31
Yeah.
46:32
I'm paying for the double total knee surgeries that I've gotten three or four times now.
46:38
Without injuring your knee?
46:39
Yeah, I just go, my knees are hurting.
46:41
You need to fix my knees.
46:42
Please give me surgery.
46:45
And I find a woman that might need surgery.
46:47
I go, oh boy, do I have a first date for us.
46:49
Oh, so you target people with medical problems.
46:53
Yes, yeah.
46:54
I try to go for the people that are most down on their luck and then go,
46:59
stay in the hospital for a few days doesn't sound that bad.
47:01
And I think you learn a lot from the dates because you're stuck in a hospital room with them.
47:06
And you just eat food and get to know them.
47:08
I think it's a great dating idea.
47:10
I'm sure you do.
47:14
It's almost like a hotel stay.
47:17
It's almost nice.
47:18
You got people waiting on you hand and foot.
47:21
They do bring his hands and feet.
47:24
Give me all the amputated hands and feet in the hospital.
47:27
Are you dealing with the guy down at the morgue?
47:30
What hospital are you going to?
47:33
Ones that will do surgery on us with good knees that will give us amputated limbs.
47:38
Bad hospital.
47:40
Not a great one.
47:42
Are these across the country line there in Mexico?
47:45
Maybe it's that old hospital from a previous episode that I was raised in.
47:50
Yeah, the boiler room and the record room.
47:54
The record room.
47:55
Yeah, the one that's most likely haunted.
47:58
Probably.
47:59
Zach, what record is behind your records in that record room?
48:06
A corn.
48:07
A corn.
48:13
So in the record room, Alan, that they have, it's going to be
48:17
Corn, See You on the Other Side, released in 2005.
48:21
Which is a great album for a hospital.
48:25
I think so.
48:26
It really gets the doctor's hype to do surgery.
48:29
It gives a good outlook.
48:30
They're like, these patients don't want to survive anyway.
48:34
But Savannah, what do you think about that?
48:36
What do you think about going on a first date to a hospital?
48:39
It's interesting.
48:40
She's probably never done that before.
48:42
Agreed.
48:42
It is almost like a hotel stay.
48:44
Instead of robes, you're getting gowns, those beds, foods, bathroom.
48:50
There are bathrooms and hotels.
48:52
Are you forcing her to get surgery?
48:54
I do tend to drug them and that is, I take them to the hospital and go there.
49:00
They've overdosed on their own.
49:02
Okay.
49:04
These are a couple.
49:05
It sounded perfect.
49:07
Until then.
49:08
We knew it had to be somewhere.
49:10
Did it?
49:12
We knew there had to be a catch.
49:14
Okay.
49:15
Well, now that it's against her will, I don't even know what's called a date anymore.
49:18
Like this is just kidnapping and drugging at this point.
49:22
But she gets new knees.
49:24
She gets to have a double total.
49:25
Had fine old knees.
49:26
Well, you don't know that.
49:28
She didn't know that.
49:29
She didn't know until she got the new knees, how great new knees would be.
49:34
Once you get a certain age, everyone needs new knees.
49:37
Unless we were all us men, us boys here.
49:40
We know a little bit more than women.
49:42
Oh gosh.
49:43
We know what women need.
49:44
Yeah.
49:44
And they need knees.
49:46
We're able to speak for women.
49:48
That's why we can tell the doctor to do surgery on these women.
49:52
Because these doctors are ghosts from the 1910.
49:55
And they know that we know what our wives need.
49:57
These doctors don't even look for a man that the woman came in with.
50:00
They just look for a man.
50:02
Well, what do you think this woman needs?
50:05
Yeah.
50:06
So honestly, three great first date items.
50:09
I agree.
50:10
If you're hearing this, pick one for next date.
50:12
It'll go fantastic.
50:14
I thought he was going to say, reach out and I'll take you on a date.
50:20
Honestly, if you got any oil experience or you got rough hands.
50:25
If you're built like a tractor.
50:26
If you're built like a John Deere tractor.
50:30
If you feel like people compare you to Wildebeest, reach out to me.
50:35
I got something for you.
50:38
It would bring us into our next segment where we need to get paid.
50:41
So we're actually going to run some ads so you can go and run your ad of the oil fields.
50:47
In that segment.
50:48
So you can really get your reach out.
50:49
Maybe make some money off of John Deere built women.
50:52
Sure.
50:53
All right, boys, let's make some money.
50:55
Let's read some ads.
50:58
Want a break from the ads?
50:59
No.
51:06
This program is also brought to you in part by Antelope.
51:10
Did your aunt just get engaged and all she can talk about is planning that wedding?
51:16
Son, that's not okay here at Antelope.
51:18
We know what you're going through.
51:20
We've seen it a million times and we're here to help call us.
51:24
And we will kidnap your aunt and her fiance in the middle of the night at gunpoint.
51:32
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51:38
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51:41
They will elope your aunt and her fiance so fast they won't know what hit them.
51:47
So come on down to Antelope.
51:51
This episode is brought to you by Antelope.
51:53
Are you an insect collector and you don't feel like marriage has been extended to the insect community?
52:01
Well, here at Antelope, we will marry your insects.
52:05
Do you have an ant farm and you have a couple of ants that are in love?
52:10
The gays can get married now.
52:12
Why can't ants come on down to Antelope?
52:15
We will hold an entire ceremony for your two tiny best friends.
52:21
Antelope, call now.
52:24
Do you have a son or a daughter that they feel like they really just want to get out of here
52:29
and elope somewhere else and they want to get married somewhere else?
52:32
Not near you, not near family.
52:34
They don't want to include family because they're all uppity and they think it's too good
52:37
or they don't want to spend the money and they just want to go elope?
52:41
Well, here at Antelope, we forgot to put the C on the front of this word.
52:45
We will make sure that they will not be able to elope.
52:49
We will tie them down. We have police officers on duty to cuff them to rails, radiators,
52:58
anything near them, really. We just assume they're near a radiator.
53:01
But here at Antelope, we may forget the C, but we won't forget about you.
53:10
That was really good.
53:11
You went, you all bought the domain name, you go, crap.
53:17
We forgot the C.
53:18
We already printed the poster and they forget we have to put the C on it.
53:22
This episode is also brought to you by Burger King.
53:25
Were you dealt a wrong hand? Are you a little neurodivergent?
53:29
Do you have Asburgers? Well, come on down to Burger King.
53:33
Well, you won't feel like an outcast anymore.
53:35
We have TVs playing constant cartoons.
53:39
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53:42
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53:46
We'll let you organize things to your heart's content.
53:49
Come on down to Burger King for all your Asburger needs.
53:53
This program is also brought to you in part by Water Burger.
53:58
You ever turned on Nickelodeon in the morning?
54:00
Caught you an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.
54:03
He's hanging out at the Krusty Krab.
54:05
He's making those Krabby Patties and you think he's a good guy?
54:09
He's making those Krabby Patties and you think, my goodness, that looks good.
54:17
That burger is absolutely soaked.
54:20
Not a dry spot to be found.
54:23
Come on down to Water Burger.
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Here we offer the most hydrated burger you have ever put in your mouth.
54:29
You're going to be wishing your mouth was dry after eating this soaked burger.
54:35
Come on Water Burger today.
54:44
Do you go to fast food restaurants and go, this hamburger is way too dry.
54:49
It's like eating sandpaper.
54:52
That's gross.
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This episode is brought to you by Water Burger.
54:56
Come on down to Water Burger and we will dip and soak your hamburger sandwich in water.
55:04
You'll get it and it will be like a soaked sponge.
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Stick the whole thing in your mouth.
55:12
Swallow it whole like a snake.
55:16
Water Burger.
55:18
Get a nice soggy sandwich.
55:25
This episode is also sponsored by Water Burger.
55:28
Do you ever feel like you're lacking excitement in your fast food experience?
55:33
Come on down to Water Burger where we've adapted the technology from men in black movies
55:38
to wipe your memory after you've ordered.
55:41
So it's like a surprise every time you open your Happy Meal.
55:45
What we do is you pull up to the drive through.
55:48
You say your little order in there.
55:50
Let me get a double with some cheese on it.
55:54
Oh, let me get some of them fries too.
55:55
I like those fries.
55:58
Let me get a side of, oh, I don't know, a Coke Zero.
56:01
That thing's crisp.
56:05
They say, okay, your order's going to be 1693.
56:09
So you pull on past the drive through.
56:11
You pull up to the attendant there and you hand them your little payments that you do.
56:14
Your little credit cards, you just swipe and he swipes it.
56:17
And then he zaps you with a little mind wiper.
56:19
Now you've forgotten everything.
56:20
You're like, why am I here?
56:22
I guess I should just pull up onto this next window.
56:24
Normally what I do in drive throughs.
56:26
So you do.
56:27
You pull on up.
56:28
Where are loyal employees loving, sweet, nurturing.
56:34
They are there to just comfort you in your time of need, your time of confusion.
56:38
They hand you your happy little sack of food and you go to open it.
56:43
You unwrap that little wrapper on the outside of your food and you open it and you go,
56:49
oh my God, what a burger.
56:52
And you're like, oh God, I ordered a burger, didn't I?
56:55
And you eat it and that's the best food you've ever had.
56:58
Cause it's exciting here at what a burger, the food experience is top notch.
57:03
It's coming down to what a burger will comfort and will nurture you and fill up that big
57:09
old tummy and that big old spirit coming down to what a burger.
57:13
Evan takes you on a journey.
57:16
Are you confused on the existence of certain insects?
57:21
Me too.
57:22
So that's why we've opened a little shack here that we're sponsored by today called Arby's.
57:27
Now you may be wondering, are ants?
57:30
Sure.
57:30
You've seen ants before, but what about bees?
57:34
Are bees here?
57:36
Arby's will take you through the whole knowledge, the whole insect catalog,
57:40
and we'll show you one by one that each insect exists and that it does exactly mimic what
57:47
you've learned in school.
57:49
So Arby's, yes.
57:54
That's very good.
57:58
This program is also brought to you in part by Zach's bees.
58:07
So you went to Arby's, you understand the existence of bees, but which ones belong to Zach?
58:13
Here at Zach's bees, we'll open up a very similar book to the Arby's book.
58:17
We're going to point out which ones belong to Zach.
58:21
That bee wearing that sweaty hat, that's Zach's bees.
58:25
That bee behind the wheel of a faded Dodge Dakota, that's Zach's bee.
58:35
That bee playing a cajon, that's Zach's bee.
58:39
Come on down to Zach's bee.
58:40
That's Zach's bee. Come on down to Zach's bee.
58:45
This episode is also brought to you by In-N-Out.
58:49
Do you feel clogged up?
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That's not healthy.
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We have a wide range of laxatives that you can take and clear out your system.
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We'll provide a door for you.
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We put doors as strategically placed points around your house.
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Honestly, most of our houses that we do are made entirely of doors.
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So if you're ever caught in a part of your yard and you think, well, by gosh, it's too cold.
59:35
Just run to the nearest wall because it is a door.
59:39
Open that door, get into your house, and my friend get warm.
59:43
Call In-N-Out today.
59:46
This program is also brought to you in part by Slim Chickens.
59:50
Are you a poultry farmer that is not seeing a ton of weight get put on your birds?
59:54
Is it starting to get you nervous coming up on sale season?
59:58
Send your chickens on down to us here at Slim Chickens.
1:00:01
We're all fattening those birds up.
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We've got a 10-week regimen where they're eating nothing but burgers.
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We feed them straight double cheeseburgers every meal.
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Those are some of the fattest birds you've ever seen.
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You thought they couldn't fly before.
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They definitely won't be flying now.
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We'll send them back to you after 10 weeks.
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You'll make some money off the sale of that bird or our name isn't Slim Chickens.
1:00:28
This episode is also brought to you by Slim's Chickens.
1:00:34
Does your chicken farm have a weight issue?
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and you're just not attracted to them anymore?
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Gross.
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This episode is also brought to you by Church's Chicken.
1:01:12
Are you worried that your chicken farm has an atheist population growing within it?
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Are you a deist and your chickens are no longer believing that there is a greater being?
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at converting your chickens to Christianity.
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Here at Church's Chickens we will save the souls of your chickens.
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Church's Chickens.
1:01:40
I just pondered, just wondered what all a woman could fill,
1:01:45
all the spaces a woman's body could fill.
1:01:47
You ever wondered that?
1:01:48
You ever looked at a box and be like, could a chick fill that?
1:01:54
So here at Chick-fil-A we look at all the standard spaces and we say,
1:02:02
can a chick fill that?
1:02:03
So we look at a box and we say, hey, a chick can fill a box.
1:02:08
I look at a truck and I say, the cab of the truck?
1:02:11
I say, oh yeah, I'm sure a chick could fill that.
1:02:13
So we say a chick could fill a box or a chick could fill a truck.
1:02:16
So come on down to Chick-fil-A and anything you're wondering a chick could fill,
1:02:21
we got a catalog that you can just mosey on through, see if it fits your need.
1:02:26
And yeah, get the answers to the questions you're asking
1:02:28
because that's what we're about.
1:02:30
We're about getting answers to questions that the people are asking.
1:02:33
So come on down to Chick-fil-A where you can see what all a chick's body can fill.
1:02:38
That's very funny.
1:02:41
All right, boys, let's end it.
1:02:44
If you needed some advice and you took our advice about dating, good for you.
1:02:48
Tell us about your success stories with the dating that you did.
1:02:51
Let us know.
1:02:52
And that's it. We're done. Move on with your lives.
1:02:56
Bye.
1:02:58
Expect the detour.