Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Stop Taking Things Personally

Transcript

Stop Taking Things Personally · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
0:08
Today we're going to be talking about how to stop taking things
0:11
personally, why you do this, the negative effects on you and how
0:15
you can stop of course. First I will tell you to
0:18
subscribe. My most recent subscriber
0:21
episode was on. Of course a happy marriage is
0:23
somewhat child centered and it seems that this got a little bit
0:26
lost in the shuffle that obviously with small children
0:30
things are going to be somewhat child centered.
0:32
So that should not be something that's thought of as as terrible
0:36
and I describe why and how and to what extent, etcetera.
0:40
So today we're going to be talking about the common human,
0:46
you know, logical fallacy that things that people do are really
0:50
like mostly about you. This is certainly not true.
0:55
I mean, the majority of people kind of act the same with
0:58
everybody. Of course there are differences
1:01
on the margins. Of course, there's ways that you
1:03
can interact that are more and less pleasant to other people,
1:07
more and less appealing, etcetera.
1:09
That's on the margins though. So there's people that I work
1:12
with, particularly if you were raised in a home that is very,
1:15
very image conscious, where you were always taught to look at
1:19
your impact on other people and to do the right quote UN quote
1:23
thing and not to be embarrassing and not do anything weird.
1:28
If you were raised in a kind of home like that, then it is is
1:31
very hard to understand that if the cashier snaps at you, it's
1:35
not because you were like uniquely annoying on the on the
1:39
checkout line and didn't unload your things quickly enough.
1:43
It's hard to understand that that's about the cashier having
1:46
a bad day. So what you want to try to do
1:48
with little kids, and most people do this already with
1:51
their little kids, is to say that if somebody has a problem
1:54
with you, it's probably that they were having a bad day and
1:58
they were, you know, bothered more bothered because they were
2:01
feeling irritable or they were feeling angry or or what have
2:05
you. And that's certainly an adaptive
2:07
thing to teach to your kids. And it's important to recognize
2:09
that this is just the truth and that you need to think it as
2:13
well. So what are some ways that this
2:15
usually manifests? Because a lot of people are
2:17
smart and they're successful and they can get along with other
2:19
people. And in the workplace, you know,
2:22
they can understand that certain personalities fit, certain
2:26
don't. It's nothing to get that upset
2:28
about. However, in their intimate
2:30
relationship, the same guy that'll say, yeah, you know,
2:34
like I could have managed that situation better at work, but
2:37
probably, you know, I mean, that guy has had problems with other
2:41
people too, you know, So it's not just me.
2:43
That same person and his intimate relationship will say
2:46
to his, you know, therapist that his wife would act totally
2:51
different if he were more attractive, that if he acted in
2:55
in whatever different way, his wife would turn into a sex
2:59
goddess. This isn't true, you know.
3:01
And I I do a lot of this stuff in my podcast.
3:04
I tried to help people very much understand that, you know,
3:07
there's natural variation in libido and things happen in
3:10
monogamy. And there's a million reasons
3:12
your wife could have a lower sex drive, including literally just
3:15
that she's been with you for a while and you're the same person
3:18
still. You know.
3:19
And this is not to say, of course, that you cannot fix
3:22
things on the margins, that there are not things you can do
3:25
to impact your wife differently. But most of how your wife acts
3:28
is because of your wife, just like most of how you act is
3:32
because of you. So these same people will have
3:35
the fantasy that if their wife, for example, was having sex with
3:37
them all the time, they would turn into a completely different
3:40
man. They wouldn't.
3:42
They would be a happier version, sure, but it would be a happier
3:45
version of the same guy. So if you are an irritable and
3:48
kind of anxious, rigid guy, and your wife was, you know, having
3:52
more sex with you, it's not like you would turn into Mr. Laid
3:54
Back. You really wouldn't.
3:56
And if you have that fantasy, then it's no wonder that you're
4:00
so angry with your wife because you feel like there's this whole
4:03
other way of engaging that would be open to you only if she acted
4:08
differently, which is not useful, and it's not accurate
4:12
from anything that I've seen in practice.
4:14
So how can understanding that you're taking things to
4:18
personally help you? Well, it can liberate you.
4:20
You can understand that everything isn't dependent on
4:23
your move in the chess game. Like how people with social
4:26
anxiety think is that if they do something wrong, you know, bad,
4:30
and the encounter is just going to be bad.
4:32
So they have to figure out the right way to engage.
4:35
And I hear this a lot, like, with women about making friends.
4:38
You know, like, oh, like, I did the wrong thing during, you
4:41
know, preschool pickup. And that's why I didn't get
4:44
invited to this or that or the other.
4:46
Yes, to some extent, possibly to another extent.
4:49
That person already had everybody they were going to
4:51
invite to their home for their Halloween party or what have
4:54
you. They just weren't thinking about
4:56
you as another potential person. You know, only perhaps if you
5:00
were the most social person in the world and asked about their
5:03
plans and you know, we're exactly, you know, I don't even
5:07
know what it's exactly some right thing that triggered this
5:11
person to remember they had a Halloween party.
5:14
In 1% of cases, they would have ended up inviting you, a new
5:17
person that they just met to their party.
5:20
In most cases, the large majority of cases, that has
5:22
absolutely nothing to do with your behavior.
5:24
They just weren't thinking about, you know, making a new
5:27
friend at that moment. They were just thinking about
5:29
getting through their day. So you have to this, this goes
5:33
back to empathy. So it's very hard for people to
5:35
empathize if they did not experience a lot of empathy
5:38
growing up. It's hard for them to understand
5:40
that there are perspectives that other people have is called
5:43
theory of mind that, you know, they they got to go into the
5:48
other person's head and look out through their eyes pretty much.
5:50
And that's very, very hard for people to do.
5:52
But you can practice. You can practice at the same as
5:55
you would with a dog or with a baby where like, they can't
5:58
talk. So you have to figure out what
6:00
they're saying. So like, if you're a man, you
6:02
could like, think about your wife.
6:03
And This is why I write posts like men.
6:06
Here are 9 things your wife really thinks about all day.
6:08
And, like, none of them are you. And none of them are sex, you
6:11
know? And sure, sometimes women think
6:13
about sex or their husbands, but most of the time they're just
6:16
people. They get up.
6:17
They say, what do I have to do? What time is it?
6:19
We're what's in my e-mail? What?
6:22
You know, like, when do I make my coffee?
6:24
When do I have to get the kids to school?
6:26
OK, then I have work. What do I need to do there?
6:29
And what am I going to wear? And I'm in the shower.
6:32
You know, like you got to really go into her head and see it.
6:34
Like she's not sitting there thinking, man, I'm so
6:37
disappointed that the man that I married can't bench press more.
6:40
If he could, then possibly I would really want to give him a
6:43
blowjob right now. This just like not real, you
6:46
know? And so when, you know, it's like
6:50
those memes that are out there about what it's like when a man
6:52
writes a woman in a book like a male author and it's like, you
6:56
know, like she, she looked into the mirror and was aroused at
7:00
her own round breasts. You know, like, that's not,
7:03
like, real. That's not what women think.
7:05
And certainly you know it. It's not helpful to think that
7:10
what your wife thinks is some version of what you would think
7:13
if you were your wife. No, your wife's a totally
7:15
different person. So it's basically you're doing a
7:17
character study and thinking, OK, given who she is, what is
7:20
she thinking about? How could I make a day better
7:23
for her on the margins? Of course, that's not going to
7:25
change your whole personality. It's not going to cure her
7:27
depression or her anxiety. But what could I do that would
7:30
be being a good partner and a woman the same thing.
7:33
So it's like mind blowing for a lot of women that the guy's
7:36
thinking so much about sex because they're not thinking
7:38
about sex at all. So they can't picture that that
7:40
is what he thinks about in the back burner of his mind, like,
7:43
all the time. So it can be extremely useful to
7:46
go into his mind, you know, basically in a sci-fi way and
7:50
say, HM, if I was him, from what I've learned, I would probably
7:53
be thinking about sex right now. Strange, we're at a pumpkin
7:56
festival. You know what?
7:58
I would never be thinking about sex now, but I bet he is, you
8:01
know, and he could ask him to make sure that you're correct.
8:04
Or he's probably thinking about work tomorrow, even though I'm
8:07
home with the kids tomorrow. So I'm definitely not thinking
8:09
about work. I can't really imagine what it
8:11
would be like to be at the Pumpkin Festival thinking about
8:13
work and sex, because I'm not thinking about either one.
8:16
But that is what he's thinking about.
8:18
So if he's irritable, it's probably because he's worried
8:21
about work and we haven't had sex.
8:22
It's probably not because he thinks that there was a Better
8:25
Pumpkin Festival, which is what I am sitting here worrying about
8:28
and thinking that I should have picked a different pumpkin
8:30
festival. And on the other side, it would
8:33
behoove the man to think she's not thinking about either work
8:36
or sex. So she might be thinking about
8:38
anything related to this pumpkin festival.
8:40
The kids, if they're building memories, if they are having a
8:43
good childhood, if she looks good in whatever she chose to
8:46
wear that she asked me about earlier today.
8:48
And I know she's worried about weight gain or her clothing
8:51
being, you know, the wrong clothes from last year or what
8:54
have you. So the more you talk to your
8:57
spouse in an open way, by the way, the easier this gets and
9:00
the less you will take things personally.
9:02
That's what a lot of couples counselling is, is having real,
9:06
honest conversations with people so they can understand what is
9:09
taking. You know, like what is what
9:12
percent of their spouses waking thoughts are about them and what
9:17
percent isn't. And a large part isn't, you
9:19
know, a lot of the time unless there's profound marital
9:21
problems. So you could also take this into
9:24
if you have problems making friends.
9:26
Most people that have any sort of social anxiety tendency
9:31
overestimate the amount that other people are judging them.
9:34
Most people are not thinking about you at all.
9:36
And many of us can tell that to our kids and kind of forget it
9:40
for ourselves. You know, it's interesting when
9:42
I do these things for Facebook, you know, all these videos and
9:45
stuff, Sometimes something is viewed by a lot of people and
9:49
then you get way more comment and it's like, so obvious that
9:53
the stuff's not about me if they're like, you idiot, Like,
9:56
it's wrong that there's any way to, you know, how make women
10:00
want more sex. My wife hasn't had sex with me
10:02
in 30 years. Well, I mean, they're not
10:04
literally calling me stupid. This is they are angry.
10:08
They're angry about their own situation, and they're using
10:12
this as the projective test. You know, the Rorschach test.
10:15
My video makes them angry. Why?
10:17
Because I'm talking about something that they don't have,
10:19
you know? And when you start out, it's
10:21
easy to take a lot of that stuff personally and say, Oh my God,
10:25
he thinks I'm stupid. I wonder if everybody thinks I'm
10:27
stupid putting out these videos. And then it becomes obvious that
10:32
it's not, you know, it has nothing really to do.
10:34
It's just what you are saying that provokes a certain reaction
10:37
and somebody based on their own experience.
10:40
If you can shift your mindset in this way, which is something
10:43
that cognitive behavioral therapy helps with a lot, then
10:47
you're a lot freer because you can do whatever you want, really
10:50
within the bounds of being a kind and ethical and empathic
10:53
person. But if you're just trying to
10:55
live your life to avoid judgment, then you can kind of
10:57
stop because people are going to judge you anyway, kind of no
11:00
matter what you do, people are going to judge you because they
11:03
are living their own lives and has nothing to do with you.
11:06
And if you wear a red shirt and their mother that they hate
11:09
always used to wear red shirts, they're not going to like you.
11:12
And so there's nothing you could do about that because you can't
11:14
mind read that you shouldn't wear a red shirt.
11:16
So it's it's kind of like that in working, as I've said
11:20
multiple times with children who are anxious and teens because
11:24
they overestimate constantly how much everybody is judging them.
11:28
And most parents, you know, know this and they could say it's not
11:31
about you, it's not about you. Don't you see, it's not about
11:33
you, how that person reacted. But then in their own lives,
11:36
they will think that their boss is so disappointed with them
11:40
versus thinking why would somebody act like, you know, a
11:42
bitch, oh she's probably having a bad day.
11:45
That's why I act like a bitch. So you know, because I'm having
11:47
a bad day when I have a bad day so why wouldn't it be the same
11:50
for her? And so if you can train
11:53
yourself, you could basically re parent yourself as though you
11:57
had been parented by a parent who had said to you constantly,
12:01
it's kind of not about you, you know, like don't worry, it isn't
12:04
about you if that person's having a bad day.
12:07
If of course you heard from a parent the opposite, like you
12:11
know, a parent who was always trying to shame you and tell you
12:14
you weren't doing the right thing and other people were
12:15
judging you, then this can be very, very hard change.
12:19
But it's certainly worth it, you know, because it helps so much
12:23
and how you interact with others and whether you actually enjoy
12:25
your life and your interactions, or whether you're kind of
12:28
terrified of judgment all the time by intimate partners,
12:32
friends, coworkers, etc. So it's something to really
12:36
think about is that other people's personalities and most
12:38
of their behaviors have very little to do with you.
12:41
You can impact them on the margins, you know, but their
12:44
basic personality and the basic thing that they were going to do
12:47
in any given situation is pretty much what they were going to do
12:49
in any given situation, as with you.
12:52
And so that also means you have to give up the pet fantasy that
12:55
there are ways that your partner could act that would transform
12:58
your personality. Because a lot of people think
13:00
this, yeah, I'm kind of a depressive, miserable fuck, but
13:02
if my spouse acted a lot different, well then I would be
13:07
my best self. Then I would really be a kind,
13:09
loving, patient, calm, laid back, fun person.
13:13
Yeah, right. You know, I mean, they they
13:14
can't change your personality. You, I have this in my podcast.
13:19
How much would your depression go away when you were remarried
13:22
to a more supportive spouse Or does your depression go away
13:25
when you're married to a more supportive spouse?
13:26
And a lot of women, because women have higher rates of
13:28
depression, picture that they are being remarried to a more
13:31
supportive spouse. Their depression would just go
13:33
away. That's not true.
13:34
Depression is an illness. You may have a happier marriage,
13:37
but you still be a depressed person, you know, and unless you
13:41
treat your depression. So it's it's the same for any
13:44
disorder, it's the same for really anything and one person
13:48
and what they do or do not do does not change your
13:51
personality. So that's how could you and what
13:53
you do change another person's personality.
13:55
It's really powerful if you think about it, you know,
13:58
because having less agency over other people can be very, very
14:02
freeing to realize that there are a lot of limits on what you
14:06
can change in other people. Just like how there are limits
14:09
and what other people can change in you, which is not everybody's
14:11
favorite thought because, again, you know it.
14:14
It's the same thing with a therapist.
14:15
Like a lot of people come to me, they really bond with me through
14:19
listening to my stuff, you know? And so then they come in and
14:21
they'll say like, oh, you know, like I had all these therapists
14:24
before, but I know it's going to be different with you.
14:26
It's only going to be different with me if you work hard or with
14:29
me, you know, And you'd have to be facilitated by you feeling
14:33
like we have a closer relationship or that I
14:34
understand you more. But I'm not Houdini.
14:37
I can't reach into your head and like, move around knobs.
14:40
It has to be what you do, you know, your engagement, your
14:43
motivation, etc, etc. So if you are at a point in your
14:47
life when you really want to work, then sure, the therapist
14:50
can be very, very helpful. And working with somebody who
14:52
clicks with you is certainly it's preferable to working with
14:55
somebody who doesn't, right? But the majority of the change
14:59
would be with you. And perhaps if I had met you
15:00
when you were 25, you wouldn't have listened to me.
15:03
You know, people always say I wish I would have read your
15:04
stuff when I was 25. Really.
15:06
You think you would have listened or sought out or even
15:09
listened for one second to my stuff On how your wife changes
15:12
in perimenopause when you were 25 year, right.
15:15
Everybody was 25. Thinks everybody 40 is stupid,
15:18
you know, And that they're just kind of pathetic and they're
15:20
living their old boring life and it's going to be totally
15:22
different for you. Your wife's going to be giving
15:24
you head, you know, every day after you've been married for 25
15:27
years and everybody else just doesn't know better.
15:30
That's what it is to be young. So when you think, oh, I wish I
15:34
would have seen your stuff years ago or people say you should
15:36
make a book for younger people, You know, younger people are
15:40
really, they have a lot of, you know, hope about what their life
15:45
is going to look like and how it's going to look totally
15:47
different from their parents lives or anybody in their
15:50
parents generation. And you got to understand that
15:53
that's a normal part of being a young person.
15:55
So for example, if your children don't listen to your advice,
15:57
it's not that like you're giving it in a bad way, It's that
16:00
children don't really listen to parents' advice because you got
16:04
to remember, when you were young, did you really listen to
16:06
every word that came out of your parents' mouths?
16:08
No. You thought that they were from
16:10
a different generation. They didn't understand, et
16:12
cetera, et cetera. So it was your personality that
16:15
was the impactful variable and how you chose to interact.
16:19
It wasn't that your parents delivered a message and some way
16:22
that that was subpar. So the what I'm really
16:26
addressing is just the limits of this idea that, you know, people
16:30
can personally affect one another wholly.
16:34
You know that that that's a bidirectional collaborative
16:36
process. A person has to be ready to be
16:38
impacted and to be trying hard in order to be impacted by
16:42
another human being, no matter where it is.
16:45
So stop taking things so personally in that you think
16:50
that there is some magic way that human beings can
16:53
unilaterally impact each other, or that they matter so much to
16:57
each other. What really matters to any
17:00
individual human being is what's going on in their head, their
17:03
life, their greater context at the time.
17:05
Then when you interact with them, you are but one variable
17:08
in their life. You are not the thing that makes
17:11
or breaks their day, their sex drive, their personality, their
17:15
parenting style, and so forth. All right?
17:18
I hope you guys found this to be interesting or useful.
17:21
And it's something always to bring up with your own therapist
17:24
if you think of things that are interesting.
17:25
From my podcast, they make you think about things and you could
17:28
have other topics to bring up whether or not you work with me
17:31
or my people or your own people, therapists or coaches or
17:35
whatever. And I will talk to you all soon.
17:37
Guys, please join the Facebook group if you like to listen to
17:40
these topics. They are all that we talk about
17:42
in there for 99 a month Blue subscribe button on the Doctor
17:45
Psych Mom Facebook page. Thanks.