Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Authentic Living: Choosing Your Own Path Instead of Others’ Expectations

Transcript

Authentic Living: Choosing Your Own Path Instead of Others’ Expectations · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

• 0:12
  Hello, Melissa Crook here. Welcome back to the Field
• 0:14
  Podcast. This week it's time for someone
• 0:16
  on One Empowerment time with me. And today we're going to talk
• 0:20
  about living out of our own expectations versus others
• 0:24
  expectations of us. And so that could sometimes this
• 0:28
  can be misunderstood. There's expectations in life.
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  We have expectations that we will show up on time, that we
• 0:35
  will get enough sleep at night, that we will feed ourselves,
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  that we will drink enough water, all those kinds of things.
• 0:40
  I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about those
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  narratives that we live by the way we design our life, the
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  things that we say yes and no to what we sign up for, the kind of
• 0:50
  job we have, the way we choose our relationships where we're
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  going to live, Those kinds of like societal, familial,
• 1:00
  cultural expectations. Sometimes they can be gender
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  based expectations that we need to unlearn and, and and relearn
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  narratives that are actually healthy and true for us.
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  So I'm talking about asking yourself, what do I care about?
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  How? What do I expect of myself?
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  Am I being too hard on myself? Is that a healthy narrative?
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  What do I want for my life? Who am I?
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  How do I describe myself? What are the things that I
• 1:31
  value? Where do I want to show up in
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  the world? What am I passionate about?
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  Those are the things I'm talking about when I say leaving out of
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  our own expectations versus others.
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  When we live out of other people's expectations, we hand
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  over our life to them. We hand over our choices to
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  them. And so many of us get caught in
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  this because especially as women, we have been, you know,
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  sometimes taught from early ages not to make a lot of noise, not
• 2:00
  to be a problem, be polite, be kind, take care of everyone else
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  and put them first. Otherwise you're being selfish.
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  And there's a lot of this stuff that isn't healthy that we need
• 2:12
  to unlearn. And that starts with getting to
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  know who we are and how we want to live and what lights us every
• 2:20
  day up every day, and what feels in alignment with us.
• 2:23
  So that's what I mean when I'm talking about leaving out of our
• 2:27
  own expectations versus others. You heard me talk a lot when I
• 2:32
  was talking about our values conversation last week, that
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  knowing what your values are really help you determine.
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  Oh, OK, In order to really live by my values, what I define is
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  important, not what was told to me.
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  And that can be a great place to operate from.
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  Yes. Our parents taught us our our
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  spaces that we grew up in. Our neighborhoods, our families,
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  our schools, our friends, our base spaces all taught us
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  things. Then it's up to us from there to
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  take those things and determine what's really ours and what
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  really aligns with us. And sometimes there's a lot of
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  pressure to keep doing the things that we were told.
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  And some, a lot of times they're not actually what is what we're
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  feeling called to, what we're feeling like we were made for.
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  And so it can involve, you know, some difficult conversations and
• 3:21
  decisions at times. But we owe it to ourselves.
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  We were designed and created to live authentically to who we
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  are, to show up in the world in a way that no one else does
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  because we were create uniquely and there's no one else exactly
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  like us. And if we're not living true to
• 3:38
  ourselves, then the world is missing out on that.
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  And so we get to do that. And I, I always say, especially
• 3:46
  lately, I've really defined to this in the last year that I
• 3:49
  want you to know that you're valuable and worthy and you get
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  to choose. And I wrap up a lot of
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  conversations with that. And I mean that.
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  And part of that is leading out of your expectations, what you
• 3:59
  know is healthy for you versus others.
• 4:02
  And when those things are in conflict, sometimes you got to
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  set some healthy boundaries and make sure you're surrounding
• 4:08
  yourself with people and places and spaces that that want you to
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  live authentic to you and in in what it's like to communicate
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  when those things are happening and you need to make some shifts
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  to honor yourself and no longer abandoned yourself.
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  So I thought that that was worth clarifying because people
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  sometimes don't always understand what I'm talking
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  about when I say that. So, So what does this look like?
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  What are some questions to consider?
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  First question I want you to consider is do you decide what
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  your expectations are of yourself and your life or do you
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  allow others around you to do that?
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  Your parents, your friends, your workplaces, your faith bases,
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  your neighbors, your schoolmates, your coworkers, all
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  those your kids, your partner? Or are you asking yourself these
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  things? Really, really important
• 5:01
  question did to sit down with yourself.
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  Then here's another question. Have others informed this with
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  or without your permission? So you have times where you're
• 5:13
  just you're allowing that you don't want to create problems.
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  You don't want to upset the apple cart.
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  So you just allow people to inform without really speaking
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  up for yourself. Other times when you push back
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  and say no, I'm not going to do it anymore, they'll continue to
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  try and it's up to you to be consistent and say no.
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  I know that that's something that I used to do.
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  I knew that's something I used to participate in.
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  I know that's something that I used to believe or thought was
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  right, but I've learned as I've gotten to know myself better
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  that that's not actually my expectation or hope for my life.
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  That's yours. And I need to live in a way
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  that's honoring to mine. So communicating that and
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  sticking to that because you'll get pushed back sometimes, but
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  staying true to that and the people that really love you and
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  are for you and honor you, they'll respect that.
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  But they may push back a few times, either because I just
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  forget because you're showing up in a new way, or they're testing
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  to see if you're actually, you know, you know, staying true to
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  that. I really mean what you're saying
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  with that. So don't take other people's
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  reactions or responses when you communicate the expectations
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  that you're living out of to be yours now and are shifting from
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  what they're used to. Don't take that to mean you're
• 6:20
  doing something wrong. That's just them getting used to
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  you speaking up in that way, living this way, honoring
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  yourself in that way. So it doesn't mean you've done
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  anything wrong. It doesn't mean that you're, you
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  know, you're going to hear a lot, especially when people are
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  uncomfortable with it. They may try to convince you of
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  a lot of things, but listen to your inner knowing, trust
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  yourself, trust what you've learned about yourself and, and
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  stay true to that. And then the last thing I've
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  talked about this already, when you make these shifts, you've
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  got to communicate them. And so many times when we make
• 6:53
  shifts, we make plans, we learn things, we're so excited about
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  it. And then we just backed others
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  to respond to how we're feeling or, or, or how we've shifted.
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  But we haven't communicated that to anyone.
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  If an expectation is that you're going to show up for dinner
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  every Sunday at 2:00 PM at said family members house and you've
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  determined that in this season of life, that's just not
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  something that is honoring to you anymore for a variety of
• 7:24
  reasons. It's too far to drive.
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  It's, you know, I, I, we have to get up early the next morning.
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  I, I, I'm not, I don't feel safe around them.
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  Whatever the case may be, it's upon you to communicate.
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  I'm no longer going to be able to show up for this.
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  This is a decision I've made that's honoring to me.
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  And I, I ask you to respect that.
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  I know that you might be disappointed and I, and I get
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  that. And also this is a decision I
• 7:52
  need to make for myself. You got to communicate that.
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  You can't just, I mean, you can, you can just stop showing up and
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  not communicate it, but that is probably not the way you want to
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  apart from that. And sometimes we shy away from
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  those conversations because they can be hard, But remember that
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  you are worth it. You're worth honoring.
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  And sometimes the most difficult things to do are also the
• 8:15
  healthiest and most honoring things to do for you and to
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  trust yourself in that. If you need resources, reach
• 8:25
  out. I've we've got resources here.
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  I can work with you personally one-on-one to help you.
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  You know, practice these conversations and really get
• 8:34
  grounded in who you are. So you can go at it with
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  confidence, but make sure you're communicating.
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  People are not mind readers and us stomping around because they
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  haven't responded the way we we thought they would when we
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  haven't communicated it isn't going to clarify anything
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  either. They're just going to want to
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  know why you're stomping around about something to make sure
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  you're clearly communicating. Communication is kind.
• 9:02
  All right, some ways to engage with this and really, really put
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  this into play. I'm going to refer you once
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  again like I did with when we were talking about values.
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  I'm going to refer you once again to identifying the
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  activities that nourish you. Make sure you're doing things
• 9:20
  that nourish you, not that maybe nourish others or were suggested
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  to you and they sounded like a good idea, but they're not
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  really hitting home. Not everybody loves to go for a
• 9:32
  morning ride. That's not nourishing everybody.
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  Not everybody wants to listen to, you know, musicals on the
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  way home. Just because your partner does
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  doesn't mean it's nourishing for you.
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  So being able to really identify those activities that nourish
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  you, name your character traits, name who you are.
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  This is who I am. This is how I describe myself.
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  So within that, what are the my expectations for myself within
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  that? Does my calendar reflect that?
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  Do your actions just This is the next thing.
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  Do your actions or activities align with who you've named
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  yourself to be, your character traits?
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  Or do they align with other people's expectations?
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  How would they expect you to do how they expect you to respond?
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  What they expect you to show up to?
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  So are your activities, your actions, your calendar aligned
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  with your actual expectations or do they align with what others
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  expect of you instead of what you want for yourself?
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  And these are these are tricky questions.
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  They can take time to really sit with, to really analyze, to be
• 10:45
  patient with yourself in this process, especially when you're
• 10:48
  making these shifts for the first time.
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  And then again, back to that communication piece.
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  Have you communicated your expectations or are you
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  expecting people to just know or read your mind?
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  Remember, communication is kind. You are valuable.
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  You are worthy and you get to choose.
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  You get to choose to live your life out of your own
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  expectations, out of what feels in alignment and true and
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  natural and authentic to you. Don't ever forget that.
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  Don't lose sight of that. You are worthy, valuable.
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  You get to choose that. Take good care of yourselves and
• 11:23
  we'll see you next time here on the Field podcast.