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When Adulting Hurts: Mental Health, Addictions, and Boundaries · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for September 8, 2026 When Adulting Hurts Mental Health,
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  Addictions, and Boundaries As I said, sometimes adulting means doing hard things.
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  Let me start with an example beyond what most of us will ever face.
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  When we traveled by RV, we met a couple I'll call Jack and Jill.
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  Jill had a mental problem that she refused to get help for.
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  Jill reached a place where it was not safe for her to be around their young children.
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  Jack got a restraining order to protect them. She moved out of the house and soon became homeless.
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  Jack went to see her from time to time and offered help, but with expectations.
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  Eventually, Jill decided she wanted a better life.
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  She got help and became sane and safe. The restraining order was removed,
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  and she came home. When we met them, she'd been home several years.
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  Life was not perfect, but they had a functional marriage and family.
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  I can't imagine how hard it was for Jack to do the adult thing.
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  I know he got flack from some friends, including some at church.
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  But he knew he had to keep his kids safe and he understood what doing that would take.
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  His greatest actions precipitated a good outcome but he did what he did not
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  knowing if that would happen.
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  As I said, few of us will ever face something this difficult but there are other hard choices for many.
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  Sometimes we have to make hard choices to protect our children,
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  or our spouse, or ourselves. Let's briefly consider a few.
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  Mental health. Some in the church still reject the idea that we could need this
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  kind of help, but Jill is a powerful proof to the contrary.
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  The idea that mental health issues are about a lack of faith,
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  or that you just need to pray more, is frankly, insulting.
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  If you would seek a doctor for a broken leg, why not a broken mind?
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  If you would use drugs to deal with cancer, why not use them to deal with the
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  brain being out of whack chemically?
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  Because of the stigma, some folks who need mental help don't seek it.
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  The adult thing is to get the help you need, and to push your spouse to do that if they need such help.
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  Addictions. Addictions destroy us and those around us.
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  Getting help is the adult thing to do. Unfortunately, most people on the grips
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  of an addiction are not in an adult mindset.
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  If that's the case, then their spouse may need to step up. Push.
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  Get others involved. If nothing else works, give an ultimatum.
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  This is about you, but it's also about your spouse. They need to get free so
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  they can live and enjoy life.
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  Drugs and alcohol are the first addictions we think of. This can include legal
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  drugs and even over-the-counter ones.
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  Gambling is an addiction that can destroy a marriage and a life.
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  Shopping addiction is sometimes scoffed at, but it's a real thing.
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  It can lead to financial ruin, which is no joke.
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  I shy away from calling porn use an addiction, but if it's making a mess of
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  your marriage, hurting your job performance, or destroying your life, it needs to be treated.
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  Shame can keep folks from dealing with these addictions. Admitting your problem
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  to a group of friends helps deal with the shame.
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  An intervention can do the same thing if it's done well. AA-type groups can
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  be very helpful for addictions.
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  Celebrate Recovery is along these lines, but it's Christian-based.
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  I know several folks who say CR saved their marriage and or their life.
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  CR also has resources for the spouse of the one addicted. There's a link in the show notes.
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  Not adulting. The individual who won't get a job or bounces from job to job is failing to adult.
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  Refusing to do anything around the house or to care for the children are other examples.
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  Refusing to deal with an abusive parent who attacks your spouse or hurts your children is another.
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  Refusing to adult is not okay and needs to be treated like any other destructive behavior.
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  In one of his letters to Timothy, Paul says those who don't care for their household have denied the faith.
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  Ongoing failure to adult with a spouse or family is a big deal to God.
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  If you are facing one of these things in your spouse, I suggest you get help
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  before you take action. Seek medical or legal help as needed.
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  This is Paul, and adulting well can be difficult and painful at times.