Latest / Women at Work: Career, Leadership & Modern Work / How Self-Promotion Feels Different for Women at Work
Transcript
- Luna: Lucas, I want to ask you something that came up in a conversation I had last week with a friend who's a senior director at a tech company. She was preparing for her annual review and she said to me, 'I know I did great work this year, but I feel gross talking about it.' Lucas: That word 'gross' is doing a lot of work. And I bet every woman listening has felt something like that at some point. The tension between wanting to be seen as competent and not wanting to be seen as pushy or arrogant. It's one of those double binds that feels almost impossible to navigate. Luna: Exactly. And there's actually really good data on this. A study published last year in the Journal of Applied Psychology looked at how self-promotion is evaluated differently for men and women. They found that when women highlight their own accomplishments, they're perceived as less likeable and less hireable than men who do the exact same thing. Lucas: Right. So it's not in her head. The penalty is real. The researchers had participants evaluate candidates who described their achievements. Same résumé, same language, just the name changed. For women, the self-promotion backfired. And the thing is, we know that careers often depend on visibility. If no one knows what you've done, you don't get the promotion, you don't get the stretch assignment. Luna: It's a classic no-win. If you don't self-promote, you're invisible. If you do, you're penalized. So what do we do? Lucas: Well, look — if this conversation has ever made a difference in how you think about your own career, honestly, it's worth a coffee. If today was useful to you, that's the link — buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. We keep this show ad-free, and listener support is what makes that possible. Luna: Yeah, it really is a small way to say this content matters. And it helps us keep doing episodes like this one. Lucas: So back to the research — one of the most interesting findings was that the penalty wasn't just from male evaluators. Women also judged female self-promoters more harshly. It suggests this bias is baked into our cultural assumptions about how women should behave. Luna: That's the part that really struck me. We internalize the same expectations that harm us. So what are the practical takeaways? How does a woman advocate for herself without triggering that backlash? Lucas: One strategy that comes up repeatedly is to frame your accomplishments in terms of the team or the organization. Instead of saying 'I closed the deal,' say 'We closed the deal, and I led the negotiation.' It's still claiming credit, but it's contextualized. Another is to have an ally or a sponsor speak on your behalf. That's actually one of the most effective ways to get visibility without the self-promotion tax. Luna: Right — and that's why sponsorship is so critical. When someone else says 'Luna did this,' it's seen as objective. When I say it, it's bragging. Lucas: Exactly. And there's also a structural fix here. Companies can redesign performance reviews to focus on specific, measurable outcomes rather than self-evaluations. Some organizations have moved to peer-reviewed systems or manager-led assessments that don't require employees to sell themselves. Luna: Yeah, I've seen that work. But not everyone works at a company with progressive HR. For most women, they're stuck in the old system. So what can they do in the moment? Lucas: One tactic I've heard from executive coaches is to use what they call 'bridging language.' You start with a humble framing — 'I'm not sure if this is the right example, but...' — and then you deliver the achievement. It softens the perception. Another is to share credit liberally, but make sure your specific contribution is clear. So you say 'The team did great work on the Q3 launch, and my part was structuring the pricing model.' Luna: That makes sense. But it still feels like we're asking women to be strategic about something men don't have to think twice about. Lucas: No question. And that's the frustration. The burden is on the individual to navigate a biased system. Ideally, the system changes. But in the meantime, women need tools that work. Luna: There was another study — this one from 2022 — that looked at how women and men describe their achievements on LinkedIn. Women were significantly more likely to use collaborative language like 'contributed to,' 'supported,' 'helped.' Men used 'led,' 'drove,' 'delivered.' And the men got more engagement. Lucas: That's a perfect example of the visibility gap playing out in real time. When women use language that signals cooperation, they're seen as team players. But that same language makes them look less like leaders. And when they adopt the assertive language, they risk the backlash we've been talking about. Luna: So what's the right balance? Is there a way to sound confident without sounding arrogant? Lucas: I think the key is specificity. Instead of saying 'I'm great at sales,' say 'I increased revenue by 30 percent in the Northeast region over two quarters.' The data does the talking. And it's harder to argue with a number. Also, use 'we' for the context, but 'I' for the specific action. 'We turned around the account, and I renegotiated the contract.' Luna: That's good. I also think it helps to practice out loud. A lot of women I know feel awkward even saying their accomplishments because they're not used to it. So rehearsing in front of a mirror or with a friend can make it feel more natural. Lucas: Absolutely. And there's a role for managers here too. If you're a leader, you can actively ask your female team members what they've achieved. Don't wait for them to volunteer it. Say 'Tell me about a win you had this quarter.' That gives them permission to share without feeling like they're bragging. Luna: That's a great point. And it ties back to sponsorship. A sponsor doesn't just talk about you when you're not in the room; they also create opportunities for you to talk about yourself in a safe context. Lucas: Right. And the research also shows that women are more likely to attribute their success to external factors — luck, timing, the team — while men attribute it to their own skill. That internal attribution gap matters because it affects how others perceive your potential. Luna: So part of the work is also internal. Believing that you deserve the credit. Lucas: Exactly. And that's not easy when the cultural message has been the opposite for so long. But the data is clear: women who learn to self-promote effectively do advance faster. It's just that the cost is higher. Luna: I want to talk about one more study — this one from Harvard Business Review a few years back. They looked at how women and men are described in performance reviews. Women got more negative personality feedback — 'abrasive,' 'emotional,' 'bossy' — while men got feedback on specific skills. That's the likeability penalty in action. Lucas: And that's exactly why self-promotion is so risky. You're not just claiming credit; you're potentially inviting that kind of character criticism. So the strategies we're talking about — framing, sharing credit, using data — are really about threading that needle. Luna: One thing I've seen work is what I call the 'humble brag with a hook.' You state the achievement, then immediately pivot to a lesson learned or a question for the team. For example: 'I managed to cut our vendor costs by 15 percent — and I'm wondering if we can apply that same approach to other categories.' It's self-promotion disguised as a contribution. Lucas: That's smart. It shows leadership thinking too. You're not just saying 'look what I did,' you're saying 'here's how this can help us move forward.' That's exactly the kind of framing that mitigates the penalty. Luna: I think for women listening, the takeaway shouldn't be 'you have to change who you are.' It's more about being strategic about when and how you advocate for yourself. And also, looking for environments that value substance over self-promotion. Lucas: That's a huge point. If you're in a culture that punishes assertiveness in women, that's a red flag. The best companies are actively training managers to recognize their own biases. They're implementing structured interviews and standardized criteria for promotions. Those systems reduce the penalty. Luna: So what's one thing a woman can do this week to start feeling more comfortable claiming her accomplishments? Lucas: Pick one recent win — something you're proud of — and write down a one-sentence summary that includes a specific number or outcome. Then say it out loud three times. Then say it to a trusted colleague. By the third time, it'll feel less foreign. Luna: I like that. And maybe ask a friend or mentor to give you feedback on how it sounds. Sometimes we think we're being boastful when we're actually just being clear. Lucas: Right. And remember, the research shows that if you don't self-promote, people assume you didn't do anything. The default is invisibility. So it's not about being arrogant — it's about being seen. Luna: That's a good note to end on. For women at work, visibility is currency. And we've got to find ways to claim it without losing ourselves. Lucas: Next time, we'll look at another angle of the visibility paradox — specifically, how women are often overmentored but undersponsored. That gap is real, and it's costing women leadership opportunities. Luna: Looking forward to it. Thanks, Lucas. Lucas: Thanks, Luna.