Latest / Long Haul Marriage Roadcast / Knock Down Drag Out Fight (Turned into a Lover's Spat)

Transcript

Knock Down Drag Out Fight (Turned into a Lover's Spat) · Long Haul Marriage Roadcast

• 0:21
  Speaker 1: What I was going to talk about.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: What you're some kind of virtual situation of virtual being
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: sure about that?
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Well, look at us switch asides today.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: I know I feel like it's going to feel a
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: little off to people. They're going to be like willing, what.
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: With that same old profile, same old hat. One of
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: these days, what are you looking at? One of these days,
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: I'm actually gonna wash the hair. Let everybody see the
• 0:45
  Speaker 3: new do.
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: Wash the hat, maybe wash the hat, wash this hat.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: Remember you had an invention this week. You were telling
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: me about this, But maybe you don't want to tell
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: everybody because then they'll steal it.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: Going to get out, Okay, you're going to steal it,
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: all right?
• 0:59
  Speaker 4: Just no.
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: So as we start today, we are getting some positive
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: feedback on the thirty minutes.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: Actually got zero feedback on that.
• 1:10
  Speaker 4: I did love the thirty minutes. So we're going to
• 1:11
  Speaker 4: try to keep it.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: We are. So if you set your watch man three
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: point fifteen.
• 1:16
  Speaker 4: Well I don't have a watch back.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: I got it. So a couple of things.
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: One is we are going to be discussing a recent
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: fight that you and I have a little later in.
• 1:27
  Speaker 4: This one that was all your fault, or the.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: One that I think you getting took it to the
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: Lord and pray and he convicted your spirit. Yeah.
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: So yeah, we're going to talk about how we work
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: through that and some things that were happening that caused
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: the miscommunication, the different beliefs that we had, and how
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: it causes to show up in certain ways and how
• 1:49
  Speaker 3: we work through that. But before we get to that,
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: we man, things have been amazing. We are so grateful
• 1:57
  Speaker 3: for all of our listeners, all of our donors, all
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: the people who support us. Recently, you did a little
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: deal and told people to share on Facebook and we
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: went from four hundred and eighty followers to what a thousand.
• 2:10
  Speaker 4: Now it's like one thousand and fifty one.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: Oh okay, well.
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: Not to NIKEL and dime, but that was crazy. So yeah,
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: so my friend Cheyenne shared that shout out, hey, Hey,
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: it to Cheyenne to just share on Facebook and say,
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: you know, hey, if you would do us a favor,
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: will cost you zero dollars in one minute to go
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: to long haul marriage, go to the three little dots
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: and say share to all your friends or whatever, Invite
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: all whatever it's called. Anyway, Yeah, so we grew by
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: double yeah.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: And with the long haul theme.
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: You guys have seen our new logo with the car
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: and all that, and so we've we've themed our packages
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: around the car motif, you know, the hitting the road
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: for the premierital, We've got the tune ups for the
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: one on ones, and we've got the overhaul when you
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: need a complete overhaul, and we are adding an intensive.
• 3:05
  Speaker 4: I'm so excited.
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: Become certified in the EXO Marriage Marriage Mediator certification and
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: we went through that, the practical hours, the pre work,
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: all the stuff, and then we did the three day training.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: Man, it was amazing.
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: We are so thankful that we can add this now
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: to our tool belt.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: It's so many people would have helped us massively.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: So save we're.
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: Not going to go into it today, but we're going
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: to talk about kind of what it is and.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: What it offers.
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: So one of the things that we are going to do,
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: and I'll just tell you this, so if you go
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: to our website, longholmarriage dot org, you will see that
• 3:48
  Speaker 3: the services we offer have these names that I just
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: went over and on our calendarly scheduling, app our landing
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: page you'll see those. But we're actually going to be
• 3:57
  Speaker 3: adjusting them and renaming them because we've added the intense.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: If we think we're going to call that the overhaul.
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: And so the premierit will stay hitting the road, and
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: then the tune up will be the tune up. And
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: I think the the longer stuff that is now an overhaul.
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: When you schedule three weeks pre you know, just prepay
• 4:15
  Speaker 3: for the three sessions, I think we're gonna call that
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: in the shop idea. Okay, good, so we're gonna do that,
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: but be looking for the addition of the overhaul.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: And we're already offering it.
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: So one couple's already scheduled that and instead of just
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: check this out, instead of coming in and trying to start,
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: and you're you're in the ditch and you're I mean,
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: obviously you want the overhaul because you're in trouble. So
• 4:42
  Speaker 3: many people come in and they're in major crisis, and
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: at the end that that first hour flies by, you're
• 4:49
  Speaker 3: just trying to tell you know, you know how we roll.
• 4:51
  Speaker 3: We we want the backstory. We want previous relationship baggage
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: before you got into this relationship. We want family of
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: origin stuff. We want all all the root stuff, right
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: that causes most of the problems, and then you have
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: this acute issue that's going on in your marriage, and
• 5:09
  Speaker 3: the hours just fly by, and some people think, oh
• 5:11
  Speaker 3: my gosh, and we just got to go, and then
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: they make it worse in the two weeks before they
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: come back or the week before they come back, and
• 5:18
  Speaker 3: you end up scheduling eight to ten deals and you
• 5:21
  Speaker 3: feel like you're starting over.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: Sometimes you're just not gaining ground, you're not making any progress.
• 5:25
  Speaker 4: Not any content. How do you say or so the.
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: Intensive means we will come to you or you come
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: to us, and we will sit down for eight hours,
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: one entire day, and we have the we have the protocol,
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: we have the format, we have the goods. This mediation
• 5:53
  Speaker 3: certification training was so freaking amazing. So we're excited to
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: just help and to do it all at once. And
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: it does cost quite a bit more, but I would ask,
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: you know, it's people say, well, when would we have
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: that time? Dude, trying to mess your schedule with your
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: husband's And this is like you block out one day
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: and it's done. And we're not saying that that one
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: day is going to solve everything, but you're going to
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: be transformed by the renewing of your mind. You will
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: learn to think differently, and it's gonna it's you're going
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: to be acting and behaving and thinking and feeling and
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: believing differently so that you can so you could solve
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: your own problems.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: It's not you.
• 6:31
  Speaker 3: You're not going to need the mediator. You're not going
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: to need a counselor you're not going to need the guru.
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: You will have the tools to resolve conflict and do
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: better communication in your marriage. So they're huge success rate,
• 6:44
  Speaker 3: great testimonies with this. We've already seen as we've put this,
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: uh these practices in our own marriage, we've seen the
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: benefits from this, so we're excited to share it with you.
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: The other thing about the cost, it's like the opportunity
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: cost deal. If you don't do it, people say, well,
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: we want to do a vacation, or we want to
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: do a ski trip, or we wouldn't pay that. Dude,
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: you can't afford not to do this, And what good
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: is your stupid vacation if you go on it and
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: you hate each other, you know, or you go you
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: do your little distraction because you've gone on your trip
• 7:15
  Speaker 3: and then you come back.
• 7:16
  Speaker 4: And the same.
• 7:18
  Speaker 3: So anyway and again, I just think for knocking out
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: the time and to be able to stay in there,
• 7:25
  Speaker 3: and like you said, you're not it's the continuity. You
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: gain the traction and you're making the momentum and you
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: don't have to stop and then try to start again.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: And going on the car analogy, I figure, this is
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: the way I picture it, like your car's going this direction,
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: and the tools that you will learn during that intensive
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: it changes your car to go a totally different direction
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: and you will have the tools where you're like, we
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: don't really need Brian and Jamie. I mean maybe a
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: tune up here and there, but you know, you leave
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: with the tools and you feel like you've spent enough
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: time actually practically going through you know, two or three
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: or four of your issues that you your car's going
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: a whole different direction in the direction you want it
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: to go, you know.
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: And we yes, that's great, good one. And you know
• 8:17
  Speaker 3: we don't talk a lot about the nuts and bolts.
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: We we always say and I and the people who
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: know us and have referred people to us, or have
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: you know, come and done the ministry with us and
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: gotten help. We obviously we're not licensed therapists. If we
• 8:33
  Speaker 3: were we wouldn't be practicing therapy anyway. And with so
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: I don't talk about our certifications a lot, but I'll
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: say this, man, the Preparing and Rich, the Premierital certification
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: we have through Life Innovations, the Middle Health Coach certification,
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: through the aec C that we both have, and now
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: this EXO Marriage Mediator certification. It's we we appreciate it
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: so much. I mean, this one just gives so much
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: like resource and specificity to some of the stuff that
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: we were doing, you know, the unconscious competent that we
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: were doing, but being able to do it all at
• 9:10
  Speaker 3: once and just a new method. But I do want
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: to say this, and no slam at all to anyone
• 9:18
  Speaker 3: out there doing anything else or using any other tools.
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: I just want to see the reason why we don't
• 9:25
  Speaker 3: talk a lot or I don't talk about the certifications
• 9:29
  Speaker 3: is because, man, after seeing thirty five hundred couples, I
• 9:32
  Speaker 3: wouldn't trade that that experience for anything, for any amount
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: of book learning or any kind of protocols. What I
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: have been taught by these couples by sitting and listening
• 9:44
  Speaker 3: and being part of their journey, literally to the tune
• 9:49
  Speaker 3: of seventeen thousand hours. It has been the best education
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: we have learned and grown from that. It's just literally
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: changed our marriage.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: And if we back it up even more, from the
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: beginning of our marriage, every struggle, every heartache, every loss,
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: everything that we have done the wrong way and done
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: the right way, different things that we've learned along the
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: way in our own marriage. I believe that just has
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: forged us in our path forward. You know, it's not
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: like we just read about all this stuff, like we've
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: lived so much of it, you know, to such at
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: such a deep, deep level that I just I think
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: it's I'm blown away all the time. How I just
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: think the very things that you have struggled with the most,
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: God can use it in the greatest way. So if
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: it's you know, marriage, you know, button heads and fighting
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: and you know, just really like struggling, like are we
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: gonna make it, you know, to you know, losing Corbin
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: and all the losses, the other losses that we've gotten
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: to experience together, like the deep grief, the dark knights
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: of this soul, the you know, depression, anxiety, whatever. You know,
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: when you feel that at such a deep level, you
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: take that experience into those thirty five hundred couples and
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: it's just like this incredible. It's just the most meaningful,
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: fulfilling kind of life to use the very thing that
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: was going to bury you to like, you know, resurrect
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: in that.
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: And I was talking recently on a Mastermind call for
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: the Rise up King's Community, and I was sharing with
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: you know, over sixty guys on a zoom call their
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: their revival, which is their pastors about I said, man,
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: I don't have to see a walking on a water
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: or a parting of the red sea. God literally did
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: a miracle in our marriage. And because of that's it again.
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: And I said, if you would have told me thirty
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: five years ago I would be sharing anything with anybody
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: about how to do marriage better, I would have seen
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: you're crazy.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: Man.
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: I just said, there's no way. But again, it's an
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: honor and it's a privilege. So our heart is just
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: so connected to the couples we're working with. What I
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: think I mentioned this last time. People can't see this
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: obviously we never show this, but I'm looking at our
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: board and the overhaul.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we needed a bigger whiteboard.
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: So we have like one, two, three, four of six
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: seven couples in the overhaul package right now, three in
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: the hitting the road, two more coming very quickly, and
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: then you know, a bunch of tune ups. So because
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: of that, we are adding the intensive but also we
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: are going to be doing an online virtual workshop. I
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: guess the online and virtual that was a little redundant,
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: but we are going to do to offer a workshop
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: what it would have been a one day in person
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: workshop all day. We're going to be offering that online
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: very very soon. Obviously, I'm already thinking about doing the
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: you know, recording some of the classes that we want
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: to offer for people that can just watch at your
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: own pace and whenever you want and all that. I
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: just think we're just trying to help, you know, fit
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: into what our culture's wanting right now. A lot of
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: people who are they can't get the sitter, or they
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: can't travel, or they just don't have the time to
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: try to figure out a one day workshop. Maybe they
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: don't like they dread going around and introducing themselves, or
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: have some social anxiety. As our son pointed out when
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: we were talking about this, we want to just offer
• 13:22
  Speaker 3: it for you so that you can.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: Sit in your living room with.
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: Your spouse and hop on and go through these principles
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: and we just think the investment's going to really really
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: be helpful. Talk about the twenty seconds. So we're doing
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: something and we've heard I heard today that's sold out.
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so it looks like that one is going to
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: be sold out. They're looking at could they open up
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: more of their area and do it in this you know,
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: really cool outdoor space. But if we don't end up
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: doing that, because that's so like sketchy, you don't know
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: what the weather's going to be doing. So if we
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: don't do that, then Love and Lattes on February twenty
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: second at Justin Coffee Coat is officially sold out. We'll
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: let you know if more seats open or whatever. But
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: if not, then we are going to be in talks
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: with them about doing more in the future. So I
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: don't know if it would be like one time a month,
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: I don't know. So we'll we'll talk with that that
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: was hot off the press.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: That was hot off the press, good, so we will.
• 14:27
  Speaker 4: We will figure that out.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: But yeah, I'm very excited about Love and Lattes and lates.
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: If I love lattes more or love more.
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: All right, So in about sixteen seventeen minutes, we're going
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: to unpack this fight that we got into the other night. Well,
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: see fight, Uh yeah, I guess it was a fight.
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: What could have been a really bad fight and could
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: have taken us not just several hours, but maybe even
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: several days to recover or to repair. Which again some
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: people never they never address it again. They just go
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: away and then come back to it, so they don't
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: resolve anything. So it's there, and it's just compounding. Things
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: are just stacking up on top of that. But I
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: just found it so interesting as we truly ended up
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: talking about this at a very sane level, rather than
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: just in the heat of the moment when you're so
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: defensive in your battling. What we were believing about so
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: we were telling ourselves a story, right, There's a narrative
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: that you assign to events that are going on in
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: your marriage. And then once you start to believe certain things,
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: you start to feel certain things, you start to act
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: out certain things, and most people is what's interesting is
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: if you can take time to just stop, walk away
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: for a minute and start to put down in a
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: really I guess I keep going the word sane, but
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: things aren't escalated. You're not there with your partner attacking
• 15:53
  Speaker 3: or being defensive. You're in a thoughtful way, in a
• 15:56
  Speaker 3: careful way, listening for God to actually help you understand
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: what you believing and putting that down, letting him speak
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: to you about those that situation. But before you even
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: do that, you just kind of unplug. You come after
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: sitting down and writing down what it was you were
• 16:13
  Speaker 3: believing about that thing, and then coming back and sharing that.
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: What's interesting is how two people were seeing the same
• 16:19
  Speaker 3: exact thing but believing a completely different story and what
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: that did to hurt the marriage.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: And so why don't you tell.
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: A story from your perspective and then we'll get into
• 16:31
  Speaker 3: I mean, just kind of describe a scenario right about.
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: I'm in here working trying to get some financial statements
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: and a podcast you know, done, and all this stuff,
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: and you were fixing dinner. Talk about that, and then
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: we'll go back to what I was believing, what you
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: were believing.
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: Okay, So, yeah, this was the in the throes of
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: starting long haul, you know, and those beginning days were
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: pretty stressful, you know, learning so much new stuff at
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: the same time and trying to figure out you know,
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: just how to do it all and so and finding
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: a balance. We were so out of balance, like working
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: it feels like more than twenty four hours.
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: Of eighteen eighteen hours. It's not possible, literally a lot.
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: And you know, when it's when you're both in high stress,
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: it can just come out towards each other, you know,
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: And so just learning how to how to deal with that.
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: So the cool thing is OK, and then I'll talk
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: about the fight.
• 17:36
  Speaker 4: It's not.
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: And I have had to learn this because I grew
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: up with a mom and dad who loved each other
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: so so much and had me late in life, and
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: so I didn't see a lot of fighting. So I
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: was under under the impression that when we got married
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: there's just no fighting, Like there's no and so I
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: don't like confrontation, I don't love like you know, raising
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: voices like I all that just makes me feel like
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: kind of tense because I, you know, did not really
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: grow up with that. So what I have realized now
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: thirty five years later, well earlier than that, but the
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: marriage is like it's crazy to think you're not going
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: to have tense moments, You're not going to have disagreements,
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: you're not going to see everything the same way you're
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: you're going to take things out on your spouse. You're
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: going to have fights or arguments or whatever. But it's
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: learning how to how to fight fair and how to
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: how to really, you know, nip some things in the
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: bud without letting them grow legs and run off.
• 18:33
  Speaker 4: So okay, let's go back to the fight.
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: So you were in here working and I had made
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: you know, I had stopped working and thought, okay, we
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: have to eat. So I go in and we make dinner.
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: And it was a new recipe and it was, you know,
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: kind of a whole thing. Now I can't remember barely
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: what it was, but I came in here and said, hey,
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: dinner's ready. And you have this kind of OCD tendency
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: where when you are locked in on something, you are
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: locked in and there is you know, you're it is.
• 19:05
  Speaker 4: Such a gift.
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: So you're a bulldog, is what I say, Like you
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: know it is. It's that's why you're such an incredible
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: piano player guitar player, Like you don't quit, you know,
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: You're just you can be locked in at a very
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: hyper focused level for a long time and you're trying
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: to figure something out and so you're just like in
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: it to win it. So I was feeling this tension
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: because our ready tension was a little bit high, just
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: you and I were kind of at each other, you know,
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: for just the stress level was high. So my kind
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: of like, I don't know, codependent nature is you know,
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: I don't know. I told him it was time for dinner.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: He's not coming, So I'm weighing, I'm managing everything around me. Okay,
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: is it going to be more upset if I go
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: tell him again dinner's ready?
• 19:54
  Speaker 4: Or is he going to be more upset?
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: If you know, Carson was home so we were having
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: So is he going to be more upset if we
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: start without him? Is he going to feel more disrespected
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: that I go in and bug him and tell him again?
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: Or is he going to feel like, oh great, y'all
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: eat without me?
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: Thinks that you know?
• 20:11
  Speaker 4: I was, Yeah, So I started.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: Feeling this tenseness in me, you know, just like and
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: then this frustration kind of like he's going to come
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: in and eat and it's going to be cold and
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: it's going to be horrible, you know, and you know,
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: does he even appreciate that I've done all this?
• 20:27
  Speaker 4: Okay?
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: So that was yeah, that's that's a lot that was
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: going on. And so.
• 20:35
  Speaker 3: I was sitting there and there was certain things that
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: I was doing. That again, you didn't know what I
• 20:40
  Speaker 3: was doing, but you just knew. Man, this guy he's
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: doing something and he's working. He's getting a wak.
• 20:45
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I needed to be done.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: I know that.
• 20:47
  Speaker 3: You know, we had been very like I guess, benevolent
• 20:51
  Speaker 3: towards the work ethic and how you know, man, you're
• 20:55
  Speaker 3: getting a lot done and thank you for doing your
• 20:57
  Speaker 3: stuff and I'm doing mine. But in that moment, I
• 21:01
  Speaker 3: couldn't stop because of it's his thing that I mean,
• 21:04
  Speaker 3: you could.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: I literally I could have.
• 21:06
  Speaker 4: But it would you it would have to startart over and.
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: I got to come back and reach, you know, to
• 21:11
  Speaker 3: get back to where I was. It's like, man, I'm
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: so close as a matter of fact, Carson. So he
• 21:15
  Speaker 3: yelled and said, hey, Dad, dinner's ready. I go five minutes,
• 21:18
  Speaker 3: five minutes and I get it. Sometimes five minutes is
• 21:21
  Speaker 3: thirty minutes or whatever I do, I get that, or
• 21:23
  Speaker 3: five minutes never comes and you know, you know you're
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: an hour late. But I literally said five minutes and
• 21:29
  Speaker 3: about five minutes later, so I'm still fine and matter
• 21:34
  Speaker 3: of fact, many many times I say go on without me.
• 21:36
  Speaker 3: So on a scale of one to ten in my mind,
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: you know, as ten being like the most important thing,
• 21:43
  Speaker 3: like do not start without me, and one being man,
• 21:46
  Speaker 3: go start without me is like a minus four, like
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: I literally go sorry, don't don't let it get cold
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: kind of thing. So I wasn't thinking anything about it.
• 21:53
  Speaker 3: I just finished my thing, got to a spot, went
• 21:56
  Speaker 3: in there, grabbed my plate and started making it. And
• 22:01
  Speaker 3: it was the feeld. It was the vibe. It's like, whoa,
• 22:04
  Speaker 3: why is she upset? Why am I getting the cold shoulder?
• 22:08
  Speaker 3: What's going on? And then we started and I asked, hey,
• 22:11
  Speaker 3: what's up right? And you told me that you had
• 22:17
  Speaker 3: worked hard and this was a new recipe. And by
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: the way, man, everything you do is always incredible. You're
• 22:22
  Speaker 3: the best cook, and I love it because you venture out.
• 22:26
  Speaker 3: I would just go to the safe stuff, like you know,
• 22:28
  Speaker 3: star that one. Let's do that every week, have your
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: same five you know things or whatever, but you will
• 22:35
  Speaker 3: venture out make this new recipe and it always crushes
• 22:38
  Speaker 3: it the first time. So and it was very good,
• 22:40
  Speaker 3: but you had worked hard on it, and you said
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: something about being cold and so if I look at
• 22:49
  Speaker 3: the over what happened, we got in this fight and
• 22:52
  Speaker 3: it didn't end like well right then, So I looked
• 22:58
  Speaker 3: at it as you were being impatient and selfish because
• 23:04
  Speaker 3: and I'm like, that's literally what I thought. And so
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: the way I was feeling was unappreciated and disrespected, and
• 23:13
  Speaker 3: so those were going in my mind. And so then
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: I start reacting to that, and I start, you know,
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: basically letting you know, that's the way I'm feeling. And
• 23:23
  Speaker 3: so if you look, what were you believing and what
• 23:26
  Speaker 3: were you feeling?
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: So I was I mean, I kind of described it,
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: but a couple of different things. One track, I felt
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: like this tension, which which was already kind of the
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: I mean, it was kind of the undercurrent anyway of
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: this is a really hard season that we're starting a
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: lot of new things, and.
• 23:48
  Speaker 4: You know, just.
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: I guess questioning like you know, what are you working on?
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: What are you working on? And feeling like, okay, is
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: he upset because I went and started dinner first place,
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: because there was other stuff that we needed to work on,
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: and so there was all that kind of underlying stuff,
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: but then also feeling like I've gone in here and
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: made dinner and worked hard and not knowing what would
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: be the best decision in that moment, eat without him
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: or wait on him and just ask him again, are
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: you coming pretty soon or whatever, and then just kind
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: of feeling the same thing, kind of unappreciated and disrespected,
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: So the same kind of thing for you know, so
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: here are.
• 24:31
  Speaker 3: And so when when we were able to share that,
• 24:35
  Speaker 3: you know, I'm like, I think I even made this
• 24:38
  Speaker 3: night remark.
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: Like this arcata.
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: I said, oh, okay, I guess that counting fairies are
• 24:41
  Speaker 3: going to go in there while I come and eat.
• 24:43
  Speaker 3: You know, but it was you really did want it
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: to be hot for me, not like, well I wanted
• 24:51
  Speaker 3: to go ahead and meat because I wanted to be
• 24:52
  Speaker 3: hot for you. You know, when I was saying impatient
• 24:55
  Speaker 3: and solf right, you were thinking about me and your
• 24:58
  Speaker 3: little You talked about your codependent. You were worried about
• 25:00
  Speaker 3: one what's worse, you know, paying the hell of starting early,
• 25:03
  Speaker 3: and he's upset and so we were missing it because
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: he didn't communicate. But we made up a story about
• 25:09
  Speaker 3: that whole deal. And what we are finding is the
• 25:13
  Speaker 3: value in going away and saying, okay, what am I
• 25:17
  Speaker 3: believing about this. What am I feeling? Now, let me
• 25:21
  Speaker 3: come back and let me share that. And when I
• 25:24
  Speaker 3: hear what you were believing and you hear what I
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: was believing, of course they felt that way, no wonder,
• 25:32
  Speaker 3: But when I believed that and I started feeling that
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: in that moment instead of this, man, I'm working for you,
• 25:39
  Speaker 3: and I want you to be proud of me, and
• 25:41
  Speaker 3: I want you to appreciate what I'm doing. I'm like, man,
• 25:44
  Speaker 3: screw you. You come back in there and you're like
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: all the ways John Gotman in his book The Seven
• 25:51
  Speaker 3: Habits That's Not It, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
• 25:57
  Speaker 3: Seven Habits for Highly Effective Marriage, The Seven Principles for
• 26:02
  Speaker 3: Making Marriage Work, he talks about the four horsemen of
• 26:05
  Speaker 3: the apocalypse and that if any one of these things
• 26:08
  Speaker 3: is showing up in your marriage, you are heading for divorce,
• 26:12
  Speaker 3: like you have a high probability of divorcing. And he
• 26:17
  Speaker 3: names them contempt, criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness. And literally the
• 26:25
  Speaker 3: atmosphere that I created because of my belief and what
• 26:28
  Speaker 3: the way I was feeling in that moment, I created
• 26:30
  Speaker 3: all four of those. And so now if you look
• 26:34
  Speaker 3: at you know just to take one, for example, the
• 26:37
  Speaker 3: Jimmy Evans the four laws of marriage, right, these the
• 26:42
  Speaker 3: law of priority, in pursuit, in partnership, and purity. Like
• 26:47
  Speaker 3: you get any of those out of whack, and I
• 26:50
  Speaker 3: mean at least two we're out of whack. You're out
• 26:52
  Speaker 3: of alignment. And here we are with our car analogy.
• 26:55
  Speaker 3: So man, that things pull into the right, it's it's
• 26:58
  Speaker 3: heading for the ditch. And if one's out of alignment,
• 27:01
  Speaker 3: you know, or ones you know off, you're rubbing the
• 27:03
  Speaker 3: other four other three.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: Tires down right, it's it's it's not good.
• 27:09
  Speaker 3: And how how quickly things turned when we went and
• 27:14
  Speaker 3: shared instead of just man, if you if you do
• 27:18
  Speaker 3: not take that to a conscious man, I'm gonna unplug
• 27:20
  Speaker 3: and I'm gonna go seek God, and I'm gonna be
• 27:22
  Speaker 3: honest about how I was feeling in that moment and
• 27:25
  Speaker 3: then come share it. Many times you'll hear from the
• 27:27
  Speaker 3: Lord you know already. But if you didn't just sharing
• 27:31
  Speaker 3: with your spouse, it's like and if you come in
• 27:34
  Speaker 3: with a heart to understand, seek first understand, and then
• 27:38
  Speaker 3: to be understood. Literally, it will be the difference between
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: a huge fight that escalates and then you're like, you're
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: not talking for the rest of the night. You didn't
• 27:47
  Speaker 3: get to finish your show that you've been watching because
• 27:49
  Speaker 3: she went in, slammed the door, called you a name
• 27:52
  Speaker 3: that started with the bee. You may have called her
• 27:53
  Speaker 3: name and started with the bee.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: You know, we're so immature when when when we allow
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: that to happen.
• 27:58
  Speaker 3: So if you want to take your marriage to the
• 28:01
  Speaker 3: next level, just just practice.
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: That, and by the time it gets to that point,
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: then you just are your your pride is at a
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: certain level where you're just fighting for fighting sake, Like
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: what are we even now? I can't you couldn't even
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: remember the stupid thing you were fighting about, you know.
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: And so it really is that simple that if you
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: can just you know, get to a point with your
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: spouse that you can be vulnerable and you can be
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: you know, kind of fall on your sword and be
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: the more mature one, be the be the first, be
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: the one to go first and say, you know, I'm
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: really sorry about this. Can I can we talk about
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: you know, and take that unplugged time and come back
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: together and say this is what I was believing, you know,
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: and this is how it made me feel. And so
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: this is the environment that I created, you know, And
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: this is what I heard God say about it. I
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: mean that is it can be. It didn't have to
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: be a huge, long, on out thing. It could be
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: literally a ten minute conversation that completely shifts Yeah, the
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: you know, the whole rest of the night, the rest
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: of your life, you know. But it's just tools like
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: that that are really it seems like, really it's that easy.
• 29:18
  Speaker 3: Right, and you know some of the things that it's
• 29:21
  Speaker 3: just layers of just the aha and the revelations and
• 29:24
  Speaker 3: God speaking to you when you have that heart and
• 29:26
  Speaker 3: you can hear what your story was, what you're believing,
• 29:30
  Speaker 3: then just the compassion that comes out rather than the
• 29:33
  Speaker 3: judgment and the mercy and the grace that you give.
• 29:38
  Speaker 3: And then in that, when your heart is open to that,
• 29:41
  Speaker 3: that's when God can really speak to me. It says, dude,
• 29:43
  Speaker 3: you thought she was being an impatient selfish. You were
• 29:46
  Speaker 3: being selfish because you thought, I have to get this.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: Thing done right here.
• 29:50
  Speaker 3: And if you value your wife like you say you do,
• 29:53
  Speaker 3: and you value her cooking, you know you can say
• 29:55
  Speaker 3: thank you and that was great, which I do, But
• 29:58
  Speaker 3: how about you show her man? I can't wait dinner's ready.
• 30:02
  Speaker 3: I'm there right, pause on whatever you're doing and just
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: come back to it. And how about do you take
• 30:08
  Speaker 3: one for the team. Okay, so you had to replod
• 30:10
  Speaker 3: some ground, you know, uh, and that's going to cost
• 30:13
  Speaker 3: you an extra whatever. However many minutes those are the
• 30:16
  Speaker 3: areas where you're going to grow when you can just say,
• 30:19
  Speaker 3: you know what, I'm going to treasure my spouse. I'm
• 30:23
  Speaker 3: going to say, man, thank you for the value that
• 30:26
  Speaker 3: they are to me. And I'm going to go show
• 30:28
  Speaker 3: them that and do it proactively rather than having to
• 30:30
  Speaker 3: be you know, come back later.
• 30:32
  Speaker 4: And yeah.
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: So that was that, and so we hope that this
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: helps everyone. Man.
• 30:38
  Speaker 3: I I really have appreciated your willingness because before when
• 30:43
  Speaker 3: I would I felt like I got to a place
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: and I would unplug and I would want to come
• 30:47
  Speaker 3: back and literally like I want to avoid a fight
• 30:49
  Speaker 3: and I want to apologize and like nope, I'm not ready, buddy,
• 30:52
  Speaker 3: Like I want to yeah, yeah, cool, gloves are on.
• 30:55
  Speaker 3: You still want to punish me, like no, what you
• 30:57
  Speaker 3: did was And I'm like no, I know, I know,
• 30:59
  Speaker 3: it's like you know, but your.
• 31:00
  Speaker 4: Boom boo, but do you know this? But do you
• 31:02
  Speaker 4: know how that hurts? Do you know? When you did this?
• 31:04
  Speaker 3: And what I'm seeing is you're allowing that, You're allowing
• 31:07
  Speaker 3: the diffusion, you're allowing the de escalation, and I appreciate
• 31:11
  Speaker 3: that and matter you're just so good at You talked
• 31:15
  Speaker 3: about being codependent and swallowing things and wondering what's he doing,
• 31:18
  Speaker 3: what's he thinking? But the way you're saying, hey, that
• 31:21
  Speaker 3: was kind of weird, you know, without letting the grass grow,
• 31:23
  Speaker 3: without an hour or two hours of just wondering what's
• 31:26
  Speaker 3: going on, and then you know, us ruining a night,
• 31:29
  Speaker 3: or you know, I hear a couple of mov ruining
• 31:31
  Speaker 3: two and three days. You know, it's like, don't do that.
• 31:34
  Speaker 3: Go and try to make the repair attempt. And we
• 31:37
  Speaker 3: can talk a whole maybe episode about that soon about
• 31:40
  Speaker 3: repair repair attempts and how you can make them land
• 31:44
  Speaker 3: or help them succeed in landing. But I really appreciate
• 31:49
  Speaker 3: what I've seen in you to say I don't want
• 31:51
  Speaker 3: this to be a deal, so hey, can we clear.
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: The air and very quickly?
• 31:54
  Speaker 3: And so it's like, oh my gosh, no, no, no,
• 31:56
  Speaker 3: like you misunderstood, That's not what I was thinking at all.
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: And that can just clear of the air. Okay, we're good.
• 32:01
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I love it.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I do too, love it all right, baby.
• 32:05
  Speaker 4: Minutes Okay, any any reminders.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: Parting thoughts, go Grammy. Just everybody going to Gray.
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: And then be watching out for the overhaul, the intensive
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: that the new overhaul coming soon. So if that, you know,
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: struck a chord in you and you're like, man, we
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: need it. If you look on the website and it's
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: not there, just reach out to us because we just
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: haven't updated it yet, but we will shortly. And then
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: also the virtual Yeah Workshop. I'm so excited, baby, I'm
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: very excited.
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, all right, everybody, Hey, thanks for tuning in. We'll
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: see that
• 33:00
  Speaker 4: The several pen names