Latest / Questionable Detour / Walking into an amputee meeting, using a merry-go-round to poop, and have a guard tower in your house.

Transcript

Walking into an amputee meeting, using a merry-go-round to poop, and have a guard tower in your house. · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're gonna make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:17
  Energy.
• 0:21
  Enthusiasm.
• 0:23
  Hotness.
• 0:25
  Sexiness.
• 0:27
  Passion.
• 0:29
  Rawr.
• 0:31
  Fear.
• 0:33
  Metal.
• 0:35
  Strength.
• 0:39
  Flaccid summer.
• 0:41
  The
• 0:45
  flaccid, so flaccid.
• 0:49
  So gunning and discreet.
• 0:51
  Dangly.
• 0:53
  Rough.
• 0:55
  Fueen.
• 0:57
  Awkward.
• 0:59
  Alright.
• 1:01
  You know, it's convenient that we just
• 1:03
  listen off a whole bunch of words,
• 1:05
  a whole bunch of adjectives, nouns,
• 1:07
  preparatory phases,
• 1:09
  I think. I don't know what that is.
• 1:11
  Let's do a Madlib.
• 1:13
  Madlib, Madlib, Madlib.
• 1:15
  Alright, here we go.
• 1:17
  Letting technology be creative for us.
• 1:19
  Creative juices are flowing.
• 1:21
  We are wholeheartedly lacking in a lot of areas.
• 1:23
  But creativity being one of those.
• 1:25
  We need a subject, we need a story.
• 1:27
  What are we doing in this story?
• 1:29
  I think we're saving a bunch of old gardeners from a dragon.
• 1:31
  Who?
• 1:33
  We're saving a bunch of old gardeners from a dragon.
• 1:35
  We're saving a bunch of old gardeners from a dragon.
• 1:37
  We're saving a bunch of old gardeners from a dragon.
• 1:39
  Who is?
• 1:41
  The General Wee.
• 1:43
  General Wee, an Asian general.
• 1:45
  Hahaha!
• 1:47
  Fine, fine.
• 1:49
  General Wee.
• 1:51
  The renowned Asian general.
• 1:53
  Normal Madlib fashion.
• 1:55
  Give me an adjective.
• 1:57
  Reach down into the depths,
• 1:59
  into your sack of
• 2:01
  words.
• 2:03
  The old word sack.
• 2:05
  Go to reach, root around in it.
• 2:07
  Creamy.
• 2:09
  Oh, creamy.
• 2:11
  Evan grabbed that one from the bottom of the sack.
• 2:13
  We hadn't used that one in a while.
• 2:15
  He was shoulder deep into that sack.
• 2:17
  Alright, another adjective.
• 2:19
  Round.
• 2:21
  Top of the sack for that one.
• 2:23
  Not very deep for that one.
• 2:25
  Another adjective.
• 2:27
  Wet.
• 2:29
  How about a noun?
• 2:31
  Lucifer.
• 2:33
  Alright, give me a verb.
• 2:35
  Sweats.
• 2:37
  Give me an adverb.
• 2:39
  Pompously.
• 2:41
  Give me one verb.
• 2:43
  Attacks.
• 2:45
  Perfect for a dragon and some gardeners.
• 2:47
  Alright, you all ready for the story?
• 2:49
  Let's hear it.
• 2:51
  Hold up, let me sit by a fire.
• 2:53
  Get a smoking jacket on.
• 2:55
  Come sit by my feet.
• 2:57
  Gather around the hearth.
• 2:59
  Let me tuck in with my little blanket.
• 3:01
  Get you a sherpa blanket over there off the back of the couch.
• 3:03
  Come sit down and pop his feet.
• 3:05
  Let me tell you a tale.
• 3:07
  Once upon a time,
• 3:09
  General Wee, a creamy warrior,
• 3:13
  set out on a quest to save a group of a bunch of round gardeners from a wet dragon.
• 3:21
  Armed with trusty Lucifer,
• 3:25
  General Lee bravely approaches the dragon lair.
• 3:31
  As the dragon emerged,
• 3:33
  General Lee sweats his sword
• 3:37
  and pompously charges at the beast,
• 3:40
  ready to attack it and rescues the gardener from its clutches.
• 3:45
  Wow, actually kind of pulled through on that one.
• 3:48
  General Wee, little known about General Wee,
• 3:52
  but his sweaty sword that he pulls out is renowned around the world.
• 3:57
  My mental image of this happening is General Wee sweats so much he creates a sword from his sweat.
• 4:05
  Yeah, it's just a wet sword.
• 4:07
  I mean, that's just a picture right there.
• 4:09
  And you know no dragon, wet or dry, is a match for a sweaty sword.
• 4:15
  No.
• 4:17
  Just also the description of General Lee, a creamy warrior,
• 4:21
  God, you know he was just hot.
• 4:24
  Yeah, he was creaming everywhere.
• 4:27
  What are the comparisons from General Wee to General Lee of the Confederacy?
• 4:34
  I like to imagine both of them would do a sexy calendar photo shoot today.
• 4:39
  Just washboard abs.
• 4:42
  Somebody's probably named their car after both of them.
• 4:45
  You're going to name your car after General Wee?
• 4:48
  What does the General Wee look like?
• 4:51
  It's a little smart car.
• 4:55
  God, but when you get out of it, you lean up against it,
• 4:59
  then you just rub down your wet pecs.
• 5:05
  You're just calling the name of any wet dragon that's in your vicinity.
• 5:09
  The AC is always on 80.
• 5:11
  You constantly have to be sweating inside of it.
• 5:14
  I like how it says he pompously charges the beast.
• 5:17
  He was proud of himself.
• 5:18
  He had all the confidence.
• 5:19
  He knew he was going to win.
• 5:21
  General Wee's never been up against something he couldn't defeat.
• 5:26
  It pompously makes me think he was in a 16th century white wig,
• 5:31
  like an old timey judge.
• 5:34
  Maybe he had some pantaloons on.
• 5:37
  Alright boys, you want to do another one?
• 5:39
  Give you another little story for y'all?
• 5:41
  Yeah, Zach.
• 5:43
  Yeah, Zach.
• 5:44
  Okay, there you go.
• 5:45
  We didn't say it didn't be a unanimous vote.
• 5:49
  Mad Lib, Mad Lib, Mad Lib.
• 5:52
  Alright guys.
• 5:53
  What?
• 5:54
  Alright boys, how about this?
• 5:55
  Evan shows up to amputee support group.
• 5:58
  Evan has all of his limbs.
• 6:01
  It's just being all braggy.
• 6:03
  Give me an adjective.
• 6:05
  Well endowed.
• 6:08
  Give me a body part plural.
• 6:13
  Buns.
• 6:15
  Give me an emotion.
• 6:17
  Bashful.
• 6:19
  Give me an adjective.
• 6:21
  Scary.
• 6:22
  Give me a noun.
• 6:24
  Rosa Parks.
• 6:26
  Let's see what we get.
• 6:28
  Is that fire warm enough for y'all?
• 6:30
  I think it is, Dad.
• 6:31
  I mean, he's just stinking a little bit.
• 6:33
  Wait, what?
• 6:35
  Alright, we'll just ignore that.
• 6:37
  Alright, let me open this book.
• 6:39
  Let me blow off the dust off the top of this book.
• 6:41
  It's an old one.
• 6:42
  There we go.
• 6:43
  Alright, here we go.
• 6:44
  God.
• 6:45
  Right into my face.
• 6:47
  Alright, here we go.
• 6:49
  Evan shows up to a well endowed amputee support group.
• 6:55
  Ironic.
• 6:57
  Evan has all his buns intact.
• 7:02
  Which makes the other members feel bashful.
• 7:09
  The group leader's a scary woman.
• 7:13
  Welcomes Evan and encourages him to share his Rosa Parks.
• 7:18
  What are my Rosa Parks?
• 7:21
  Is it just the black friends, but she's kind of racist?
• 7:24
  I guess.
• 7:25
  But she's just like, yeah, everybody's Rosa Parks.
• 7:27
  It's that shade of color.
• 7:30
  How'd you know they were all well endowed?
• 7:32
  They told me.
• 7:33
  Okay.
• 7:34
  They all tell you.
• 7:35
  They introduce themselves like, hi.
• 7:37
  I used to be well endowed.
• 7:38
  My name's Jim.
• 7:39
  I have a below the knee amputation.
• 7:40
  I am also, I also have a hammer.
• 7:44
  They pick Evan out as a guy who would like that information.
• 7:49
  He seems like he could appreciate it.
• 7:51
  Well, I wear, you know, very short shorts there.
• 7:54
  And then they walk up to me and they say, oh, I couldn't wear those.
• 7:58
  Stuff just wouldn't fit.
• 7:59
  If you know what I mean.
• 8:01
  It also says the group leader was a scary woman, but then she welcomes you and encourages you.
• 8:07
  She doesn't sound that scary.
• 8:09
  Are you just women scared?
• 8:11
  Yeah, I think she's just a woman.
• 8:12
  Yeah.
• 8:13
  Just kind of scares you in general.
• 8:14
  It's cool.
• 8:15
  Did you show her your Rosa Parks?
• 8:16
  They refused to sit down in the seats.
• 8:18
  Yeah.
• 8:19
  Refused to sit in the back of the room.
• 8:20
  Yeah.
• 8:21
  It's just because they have pride, you know.
• 8:23
  Yeah, sure.
• 8:24
  Very cool though.
• 8:25
  Mad Lives, you know, it's fun.
• 8:27
  Maybe, maybe a future segment, but, but welcome to questionable detour.
• 8:32
  I'm glad we could start out this episode with just some, some classic tales, something
• 8:36
  Shakespeare could have written, something Mark Twain could have written, something you
• 8:40
  read in school, you know.
• 8:42
  It's great to go to the bookshelf and just pick out a timeless tale.
• 8:46
  About Evans adventures with some well endowed amputees.
• 8:50
  The tales of General Wee.
• 8:52
  I mean, I think everybody's heard that for years and years.
• 8:55
  Yeah, it's a classic.
• 8:56
  Just creamy.
• 8:57
  Just sweaty.
• 8:58
  Sweaty and creamy.
• 8:59
  Honestly, what we know most about him is his creamy and sweaty nature.
• 9:04
  And how he just saves round gardeners.
• 9:08
  Just rotund little guys.
• 9:10
  What we don't know is if it stops there.
• 9:12
  Does he go to any other professions or is it just gardeners?
• 9:15
  I'm sorry, he makes out with a couple of them.
• 9:17
  Oh, he's creamy.
• 9:19
  But, um, you planning on going to any more well endowed amputee meetings?
• 9:23
  We'll see what we're my Saturdays.
• 9:25
  Did you walk in and say, since they're so well endowed, you're like, man, you still
• 9:28
  have two legs, right?
• 9:30
  Yeah.
• 9:31
  You used to be a tripod.
• 9:34
  But then diabetes got a hold of you.
• 9:37
  You lost one of those legs.
• 9:39
  But yeah, let's let's do a hypothetical.
• 9:41
  Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
• 9:46
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
• 9:49
  Well, that's a hypothetical question.
• 9:52
  It's well known to have a full and active life.
• 9:56
  You need to eat correct.
• 9:58
  You need to exercise and you need to get good sleep.
• 10:02
  Sleep is one third of your life.
• 10:04
  It is a huge portion of your life.
• 10:06
  So what is your nightly routine to go to sleep?
• 10:10
  To me, obviously, it's very important to have a routine each night.
• 10:14
  So, you know, your body kind of gets used to, hey, when I'm doing this, it's time to
• 10:17
  start shutting down, of course.
• 10:19
  So I like to keep my routine and I like to keep it simple.
• 10:22
  I don't want to overcomplicate things.
• 10:24
  I do my hygiene, brush my teeth, come out of shower, get ready for bed, change in my
• 10:30
  onesie and then hop into bed, whip out my nightly reading.
• 10:36
  What was that?
• 10:38
  Whip out my nightly reading.
• 10:40
  Yeah.
• 10:41
  Yeah.
• 10:42
  Which is the 1974 Farmers Almanac.
• 10:46
  Great year, great vintage.
• 10:48
  And just peruse that for a little bit until my eyes get a little weepy.
• 10:52
  Well, it's you emotional thinking about 74.
• 10:57
  Yeah, I can't believe all the emotional twists in here.
• 11:01
  Just the crops.
• 11:02
  It was a good weather that year.
• 11:04
  February 13th.
• 11:06
  I cannot believe it.
• 11:07
  Rain.
• 11:08
  The locust swarm is coming out a lot in June.
• 11:12
  Harvest was rough that year.
• 11:15
  So once, yeah, once my eyes get done being weepy and they get tired, I put that down
• 11:20
  and I grabbed my globe off of my nightstand.
• 11:24
  I didn't realize you're so studious.
• 11:26
  You know, I just like to look for stuff on the globe just to see what's out there.
• 11:30
  You're like a retarded philosopher.
• 11:33
  Just to see if any new cities have popped up since the last time I looked at it.
• 11:38
  Do you write on the globe?
• 11:40
  Like you come up with new cities yourself?
• 11:42
  I mean, inspiration hits.
• 11:44
  I consider myself an artist, a global artist.
• 11:47
  So do you scour the coastline of the of the globe and just write Evansport wherever you think
• 11:56
  a town should be?
• 11:57
  You just name all the towns off of yourself.
• 11:59
  Yeah.
• 12:00
  Every town that I see that doesn't have the word Evan on it, I fit it in there somewhere.
• 12:04
  Port of Evan.
• 12:05
  New Evan.
• 12:06
  Yeah, New Evan.
• 12:07
  But you dream you kind of daydream about New Evan.
• 12:09
  You're like that Evans confident that it has it all together.
• 12:14
  Yeah.
• 12:15
  And there's some that it really just doesn't make sense to fit it in there, but I still
• 12:18
  force it in there because that's who I am.
• 12:20
  Evan Soda.
• 12:21
  You're like, ah, that's that.
• 12:23
  Miami Evan.
• 12:24
  Do you have a different personality for each city?
• 12:28
  Is Miami Evan a little like, sassy?
• 12:31
  Yeah.
• 12:32
  Yeah, you can get it after.
• 12:34
  Really into Gloria Estefan.
• 12:36
  Says Mr. Worldwide a lot.
• 12:40
  Yeah, this is the creative part of my night.
• 12:43
  This is the really creative part of my night where my mind gets to wander and kind of kick
• 12:47
  off my dreams.
• 12:48
  Once I start, you know, once I get through with the globe and I start wishing my wish
• 12:54
  to Sandman, then Sandman.
• 12:57
  Yeah.
• 12:58
  The guy that brings you your dreams.
• 13:00
  Oh, Sandman.
• 13:01
  You said Sandman.
• 13:02
  Well, this is his Latino cousin.
• 13:05
  I couldn't get Sandman because didn't have the budget this year.
• 13:09
  Oh, you have to pay him.
• 13:10
  Yeah.
• 13:11
  So I found one at Home Depot, Sandman.
• 13:13
  He's been really giving me some good dreams.
• 13:15
  A lot of jalapeno peppers, burritos and stuff in my dreams, which I thought was a little
• 13:21
  weird.
• 13:22
  It makes it sound like he's just Sandman.
• 13:24
  He's just kind of feeding him peppers and Doritos.
• 13:27
  Yeah.
• 13:28
  Like maybe like an old school king just kind of kind of above his head and Evan has to
• 13:32
  go up and get it.
• 13:33
  Yeah.
• 13:34
  They're wild dreams.
• 13:35
  They is your dream just being fed junk food by a Latino man.
• 13:40
  It's whatever Sandman he dreams up.
• 13:42
  Okay.
• 13:43
  He's kind of your guide.
• 13:44
  Is he mainly food related dreams?
• 13:47
  He's not very creative, so it does boil down a lot to just food, maybe ride a donkey every
• 13:52
  now and then.
• 13:53
  A burro.
• 13:54
  A burro, yes, as he says.
• 13:56
  Burro.
• 13:57
  Is it Spanish for donkey?
• 13:59
  It's Spanish for donkey.
• 14:00
  Yeah.
• 14:01
  Congratulations.
• 14:02
  Don't tell, don't say that we never taught you anything listeners.
• 14:04
  There we go.
• 14:05
  Does he call you a gringo?
• 14:06
  He does.
• 14:07
  He's very offensive.
• 14:09
  Very racist.
• 14:10
  Yeah.
• 14:11
  Does not like me.
• 14:12
  It's because you've trapped him in your home.
• 14:15
  It's because he's like, I have a job to do, but the dude's just reading a farmer's almanac
• 14:22
  from 1974.
• 14:23
  He just did that to wait for you.
• 14:25
  Not in the relevant year, you know?
• 14:28
  I have a routine and Sandman needs to respect that.
• 14:31
  Did Sandman, Sandman-y, did he come across the border illegally?
• 14:34
  Listen, I'm not going to get into that.
• 14:36
  Did he come across your border illegally?
• 14:38
  Oh, all right.
• 14:39
  P did he?
• 14:40
  We're topical.
• 14:41
  Listen, the Home Depot parking lot I got Sandman-y out of was the best in the area.
• 14:50
  Okay.
• 14:51
  And nothing I have done to Sandman-y has, I don't want to say trapped him.
• 14:57
  I haven't done anything to offend Sandman-y.
• 14:59
  Let's just say that.
• 15:00
  Other than the lasso around the ankles.
• 15:02
  Well, that's just a precautionary measure.
• 15:05
  Okay, because my next question was how did you convince Sandman-y to come back to your
• 15:10
  house?
• 15:11
  We're implying that it was a lasso, but I mean, did you use any of your great verbal
• 15:15
  skills?
• 15:16
  How'd you entice him?
• 15:17
  Yeah.
• 15:18
  Money.
• 15:19
  Oh.
• 15:20
  Yeah.
• 15:21
  It's pretty.
• 15:22
  Okay.
• 15:23
  That's good.
• 15:24
  How much did you pay him?
• 15:25
  Not much.
• 15:26
  Only a couple thousand a day.
• 15:27
  Golly.
• 15:28
  Just to get by.
• 15:29
  Yeah, just so he can get by.
• 15:30
  He lives, he's in a lot of gambling debt.
• 15:33
  Oh, yeah.
• 15:34
  And I got to offset that.
• 15:36
  Somehow it keeps racking up more gambling debt.
• 15:39
  I bet you get your nightly routine.
• 15:42
  You get all snuggly in your bed and then you look up and open your mouth like a baby bird
• 15:47
  and then Sandman-y's not there because he's at the local casino just wasting it all away
• 15:52
  on the penny slot.
• 15:53
  Putting it all on black.
• 15:54
  Yeah.
• 15:55
  Yeah.
• 15:56
  You know, let's just say hypothetically, you read your farmer's almanac.
• 16:00
  You become a world artist.
• 16:03
  Global artist, for sure.
• 16:04
  Global artist.
• 16:05
  Come up with some new locations or you rename already existing locations.
• 16:11
  What do you do next?
• 16:12
  What's your next part of your routine?
• 16:13
  Well, that's part of the, you know, closing my eyes and letting Sandman-y take me wherever
• 16:19
  he needs to.
• 16:20
  Just kind of drizzle some nacho cheese on you.
• 16:23
  Yeah.
• 16:24
  Wherever he thinks my dreams need to lead to is where I go.
• 16:27
  But it's kind of hot so you're just like, oh!
• 16:31
  Yeah.
• 16:32
  I have wet dreams, but the wet is just nacho cheese.
• 16:38
  Sure.
• 16:39
  Yeah.
• 16:40
  I mean, that is terrible to wake up to in the morning as you've rolled around and there's
• 16:43
  just cheese all in your bed.
• 16:45
  It's just as sticky.
• 16:48
  Let's say that Sandman-y gets a little too deep into gambling and his bookies have to
• 16:54
  dispose of him.
• 16:55
  Do you think you'd ever go back to the Home Depot and maybe seek out a like a dirt Diego?
• 17:01
  I think at that point, I think Sandman-y is probably the end of my line of dream makers.
• 17:09
  Yeah.
• 17:10
  That's what every person says in their first relationship.
• 17:12
  They'll never find somebody like them again.
• 17:15
  They were the one, the one that got away.
• 17:18
  They'll never be another Sandman-y.
• 17:19
  There'll never be, you know, after he's stabbed and thrown into the river, you'll never find
• 17:24
  somebody like that again.
• 17:25
  I know.
• 17:26
  I ruined the day.
• 17:27
  I'm sorry, in honor of him take over for him and go into people's houses and be their Sandman-y.
• 17:33
  Yeah.
• 17:34
  But I don't, I don't feel like I have earned the title of Sandman-y.
• 17:37
  Oh, okay.
• 17:38
  Just because one, my name's not Manny.
• 17:41
  I'm not Latino.
• 17:42
  We can call you Seventh Heaven Evan.
• 17:44
  That is good.
• 17:45
  You're rethinking it?
• 17:46
  I'm rethinking it.
• 17:47
  You're rethinking it now that I have a name.
• 17:51
  Maybe you'll feed people food in bed.
• 17:53
  Kind of liking it.
• 17:54
  I have a name that sounds like I'm going to masturbate a bunch of people, but yeah.
• 18:00
  If you wanted to kind of continue with a minority trend, you could go to a different race and
• 18:05
  be 7-11, Evan.
• 18:08
  I like that too.
• 18:09
  Ooh, I could go to the Jews.
• 18:11
  11-11.
• 18:12
  11-11.
• 18:13
  Oh man.
• 18:14
  Well, I think you have it quartered.
• 18:19
  I think if Manny ever, you know, finally meets his end, you can kind of take over and just
• 18:24
  kind of carry that job to the next level.
• 18:28
  It's cool that you have all these names that can fit into the cities that you're changing
• 18:33
  on the globe.
• 18:34
  You've got geographic names depending on wherever you go.
• 18:37
  Yeah, exactly.
• 18:38
  No matter where I go, I'm going to feel at home because I created that place.
• 18:42
  I've been traveling for you as absolute hell.
• 18:44
  You get to a new city and you're like, where is the subway?
• 18:47
  Is it on Evans Street or Evans Main Street?
• 18:51
  Yeah, get there, see all the signs.
• 18:52
  I have no idea what you're talking about.
• 18:55
  I see all the signs for like New York and I'm like, where am I?
• 18:59
  This isn't New Evan.
• 19:01
  Well, okay, well fine.
• 19:05
  Let's go back to your sleep routine.
• 19:07
  So he feeds you just kind of Americanized Mexican foods and then you just go to sleep?
• 19:14
  Yeah.
• 19:15
  I mean, the reason he's feeding me those foods is to manifest my dreams.
• 19:19
  Okay, you have some weird dreams because of all the trap food you're eating.
• 19:24
  Yeah, he sends me off into my diabetic coma and that's a night.
• 19:31
  I bet you wake up refreshed and covered in cheese.
• 19:35
  Definitely not groggy.
• 19:36
  You feel like I have a fever.
• 19:40
  You like have a fever and I feel like I have an anvil in my stomach.
• 19:46
  Oh man, that's good.
• 19:48
  We're all right, Alan.
• 19:50
  The day is ended.
• 19:51
  You've 7 p.m.
• 19:52
  7 p.m.
• 19:53
  7 p.m.
• 19:54
  Ready to go to bed.
• 19:57
  You and every 96 year old is kind of kind of ready to hit the hay.
• 20:04
  What's your sleep routine?
• 20:05
  So my sleep routine is really based off of making sure that I can't sleepwalk.
• 20:11
  Sure.
• 20:12
  It's a serious issue.
• 20:14
  Sleepwalking is a problem.
• 20:16
  Sleep running even worse.
• 20:18
  What about sleep suplexing?
• 20:22
  More fun.
• 20:24
  Not for the person that you drag out of bed and then reverse slam them on the ground.
• 20:29
  Especially when it's a neighbor three doors down.
• 20:34
  That's just called breaking and entering.
• 20:36
  Yeah, they're like they call the police and they're like, did he steal anything?
• 20:39
  And you're like, no, he just gave me a concussion.
• 20:41
  He wore a luchador mask when he did it.
• 20:44
  Yeah, everything is geared around getting me so deep in sleep that I cannot physically
• 20:50
  get out of bed.
• 20:51
  Absolutely.
• 20:52
  So what I like to do is make me a little concoction that can kind of keep me keep me knocked out.
• 20:58
  Unconscious.
• 20:59
  It's like a bull tranquilizer.
• 21:00
  A little too much.
• 21:03
  We need something just below that.
• 21:05
  So the concoction that I make is a little drink that has just two cups of whey protein,
• 21:12
  one dose of Z quill.
• 21:13
  Sure.
• 21:14
  Absolutely.
• 21:15
  Could have just started and stopped with that.
• 21:17
  I would have, but we need we need me to be so full that I just pass out a cup of Bisquick
• 21:26
  drinking powder at this point and cut it with a Gatorade.
• 21:29
  OK, there's the liquid.
• 21:31
  Where it is.
• 21:32
  Yeah.
• 21:33
  But not enough Gatorade.
• 21:34
  So like it's so powdery.
• 21:35
  Not like in bed like coffee.
• 21:37
  But it looks like smoke is just coming out of your mouth from the that's right.
• 21:41
  That's quick.
• 21:42
  And the mush.
• 21:43
  Yeah, I only I only feel that cup of that halfway with Gatorade.
• 21:47
  It's like wet sand in a bowl.
• 21:50
  Top it all off with a piece of shrimp on the edge.
• 21:53
  Oh, OK.
• 21:54
  Like a little like a little cocktail.
• 21:55
  What does the shrimp do for you?
• 21:57
  It adds.
• 21:58
  It adds.
• 21:59
  It gives it the fishy flavor that you love.
• 22:02
  You know, sometimes when you're when you're having a meal and you wish you were close
• 22:05
  to water, sometimes a shrimp will take you there.
• 22:09
  So this this puts you to sleep.
• 22:11
  Oh, yeah.
• 22:13
  So you you didn't want to go just for sedation.
• 22:15
  You wanted to go fully unconscious.
• 22:17
  Yeah.
• 22:18
  OK, that's why I'm making sure that I am I am full when I go to bed.
• 22:21
  Everybody wants to go to sleep after a nice heavy meal.
• 22:26
  You want to I've come I've combined a light sedative of Zequil with a heavy meal, but
• 22:32
  not a meal a normal person eats.
• 22:35
  No, you played short bust chemists.
• 22:39
  And you've just added a whole bunch of stuff to a mixing bowl.
• 22:42
  This is it's kind of like kitchen roulette.
• 22:45
  Yeah, sort of.
• 22:46
  You just you just walk around the kitchen, open up a cabinet.
• 22:49
  The first thing you see, that's what's going in there.
• 22:50
  You're like, I don't care what it is.
• 22:52
  I just need to be full.
• 22:53
  Uh huh.
• 22:54
  And I hate to ask this, but does that affect how it comes out of you?
• 22:58
  Yes, it does.
• 22:59
  Are you waking up with explosive squirts?
• 23:01
  Yeah, but only two days later once it's worked its way out of my system.
• 23:05
  Yeah, you're you're full and constipated for two days.
• 23:08
  It is like I might as well have eaten or just drank some mint.
• 23:12
  Yeah, yeah.
• 23:13
  So you have pure concrete in your clogged.
• 23:16
  You got to work just pale white dark rings under your eyes.
• 23:20
  Like I do and I do now.
• 23:24
  Not great.
• 23:25
  I must have eaten something that didn't agree with me, but I'm confused as to what it was.
• 23:31
  Like it couldn't have been the whey protein and Bisquick.
• 23:37
  And the one shrimp, which is questionably fresh.
• 23:41
  That's true.
• 23:42
  Yeah.
• 23:43
  I mean, we do not live near the coast.
• 23:44
  Yeah, it's like trying to get the shrimp out, but keep the protein in the Bisquick.
• 23:50
  It's just like God's tornado in your bowels.
• 23:54
  If you had an X-ray machine and you X-rayed my body would probably look like when they
• 23:59
  find a shrimp fossil.
• 24:01
  Just in like some like old rock.
• 24:04
  Yeah, it would just look.
• 24:05
  That's what it would look like if you looked into my intestines.
• 24:08
  Completely unchanged.
• 24:09
  It's been preserved through the years.
• 24:12
  This doesn't sound like it's liquid.
• 24:15
  It sounds like you have painful conservation.
• 24:18
  I do.
• 24:19
  Just like toes clits to the floor.
• 24:23
  Arms on each wall just screaming conservation.
• 24:26
  Yeah, I need I need some room when I finally make it to the bathroom.
• 24:32
  You need a toilet in the middle of a basketball court.
• 24:35
  You're going to be whole dilated to get that out.
• 24:38
  Yeah.
• 24:39
  Do you do you term it like pregnant women?
• 24:42
  You're like it's five centimeters dilated right now.
• 24:44
  I'm almost ready.
• 24:45
  Hold on.
• 24:46
  I'm crowning.
• 24:51
  Which is actually very convenient for you.
• 24:54
  So sure.
• 24:55
  Yeah, you go to you go to bed that first night full dose of Nyquil.
• 24:58
  So you I assume you sleep OK.
• 25:00
  But three days later, when you have that blocked colon finally evacuated, you probably sleep
• 25:07
  really well that night, too, because of the fight that you had to put like it was like
• 25:11
  reeling in a 500 pound Marlin.
• 25:15
  So the adrenaline that's coursing through your veins, adrenaline, it's exciting for
• 25:19
  you.
• 25:20
  Oh, oh, it is.
• 25:21
  It's like going into battle.
• 25:23
  Your arms are raised above your head like you're on a roller coaster.
• 25:26
  But they're also grabbing the walls around me.
• 25:29
  So I have, you know, something to secure myself with.
• 25:32
  But yeah, the coming down off of that high.
• 25:35
  If you if you time it right, you will go to bed and sleep for 12 hours.
• 25:40
  They say when you die, you slip off into nothingness that you get an intense rush of like serotonin
• 25:45
  and dopamine.
• 25:46
  I think that's what's happening to you.
• 25:48
  I think you're getting so near to death that you're getting that rush.
• 25:52
  It's got to be hormones.
• 25:54
  But somehow you make it back.
• 25:56
  I like to get right to the brink of death.
• 26:01
  Sometimes you actually go and then come back and you resuscitate.
• 26:04
  But I think the only thing that brings me back is that half a glass of Gatorade that's
• 26:09
  that's in the mixture.
• 26:10
  Hydrated.
• 26:11
  The electrolytes just just fighting to keep me here.
• 26:15
  They're defending the Alamo.
• 26:17
  So electrolytes and coonskin hats.
• 26:21
  Black powder rifles.
• 26:25
  Oh, that's great.
• 26:27
  Have you maybe thought about installing a merry-go-round in your bathroom and have an
• 26:31
  Evan coming over and just using centripetal force to maybe just pull that load right out
• 26:37
  of you?
• 26:38
  Evan's there to spin the merry-go-round, by the way.
• 26:41
  That's why he was involved.
• 26:42
  Yeah, I'm glad you you involved me in this.
• 26:45
  Can you explain how the merry-go-round is involved in this?
• 26:49
  So it's a simple physics.
• 26:51
  Simple physics.
• 26:52
  It's hard.
• 26:53
  It's hard for me to for me to say.
• 26:54
  Let's just say you have hired a contractor contractor that doesn't ask questions to put
• 27:00
  a merry-go-round in your bathroom.
• 27:02
  He's got a lot of questions because the one why I have a merry-go-round.
• 27:04
  But he's discreet though.
• 27:05
  He's discreet.
• 27:06
  You put you have the merry-go-round installed.
• 27:08
  Evan's there muscly just can spin a merry-go-round at a thousand miles per hour.
• 27:13
  The merry-go-round's not motorized.
• 27:15
  Evan is spinning it.
• 27:16
  You have a motor and that's Revin Evan over there, you know.
• 27:20
  So the third question by the contractor is you have no kids.
• 27:24
  Lots of questions about the merry-go-round.
• 27:27
  So Evan just starts spinning that thing as fast as you can.
• 27:30
  You're facing the middle of the merry-go-round, buttholes facing the outside.
• 27:35
  Just that force, this centripetal force, just kind of like an act of God pulls it out of
• 27:40
  you.
• 27:41
  Okay, this is yeah, this is a force of nature.
• 27:43
  Yeah, what we're creating here.
• 27:44
  It's a law, literally a law of physics.
• 27:47
  Yeah, I don't see any downsides to that.
• 27:50
  I would, Evan, I would figure out how to duck quick.
• 27:54
  Because if you get hit in the head with whatever's coming out of him, it's like getting hit in
• 27:58
  the head with a cinder block.
• 28:00
  It's a concussion waiting to happen.
• 28:02
  It's fossilized.
• 28:03
  I'll make sure to make sure to wear my hard hat.
• 28:06
  So, you know, the name of the game is just don't wake up or actually don't sleepwalk.
• 28:12
  Sorry, I forgot.
• 28:13
  That's right.
• 28:14
  I forgot where where this was actually going to.
• 28:16
  Yeah, don't sleep.
• 28:17
  Don't sleepwalk.
• 28:18
  That's good.
• 28:19
  You can do that to yourself and others.
• 28:20
  I think the last thing we really need to ask is what do you do when you sleepwalk?
• 28:24
  Why are you so afraid of sleepwalking that you have to play Breaking Bad chemistry to
• 28:29
  go to sleep?
• 28:30
  When I sleepwalk, I go straight to a gun.
• 28:36
  You start rooting, tooting, shooting up and down the street like an old West cowboy.
• 28:40
  One hundred percent.
• 28:41
  And the thing is, I go after my biggest fear and my biggest fear are people that look like
• 28:46
  the cast of Shrek.
• 28:49
  So I am running through the neighborhood trying to get rid of large ogre like people or very
• 28:56
  short Lord Farquaad esque people.
• 28:59
  So you're just trying to neutralize targets.
• 29:01
  Yeah, we've got an enemy, I think, in the neighborhood.
• 29:05
  And it's people who look like computer animated fantasy creatures.
• 29:11
  And I don't think I'm alone in that.
• 29:13
  I'm sure there are there are others that feel the same way.
• 29:17
  While I think it's a good idea, I think I should be more prepared and not do it in my
• 29:20
  sleep.
• 29:21
  You have to believe whether you're conscious or not.
• 29:24
  Yes.
• 29:25
  Yes.
• 29:26
  I just think that I need to have my faculties about me a little bit more.
• 29:29
  If you were awake, you'd go about it like a black ops soldier.
• 29:32
  Yeah.
• 29:33
  Ghillie suit, sniper rifle.
• 29:35
  Yeah.
• 29:36
  OK.
• 29:37
  Not a rooting, tooting cowboy.
• 29:38
  Actually, I wouldn't wear the Ghillie suit.
• 29:39
  I would wear the all white suit like I was a hunter in the snow.
• 29:42
  But there would be no snow.
• 29:43
  There's no snow.
• 29:44
  There's just your poor color contrasting.
• 29:47
  OK.
• 29:49
  Very good.
• 29:50
  Taking sleep aids, which is not an autoimmune disorder.
• 29:53
  No, it's not.
• 29:54
  I got sleep aids.
• 29:55
  You have sleep aids?
• 29:57
  Yeah.
• 29:58
  Taking sleep supplements, if you will, is a very common thing.
• 30:01
  So you're not that weird.
• 30:03
  Thank you.
• 30:04
  It's very, very kind of you.
• 30:07
  The side effects.
• 30:09
  Little weirder.
• 30:10
  You got to have any side effects with no matter what drug you're taking.
• 30:14
  That's just part of Big Pharma.
• 30:16
  And Big Pharma is just some big burly woman with chest hair that makes it for you.
• 30:22
  Big Pharma.
• 30:23
  Cancels.
• 30:24
  Kind of a dark mustache above her lip.
• 30:27
  Big Pharma, she works for me.
• 30:29
  Sure.
• 30:30
  She's worked for the family for years.
• 30:34
  She practically raised me.
• 30:35
  She doesn't die.
• 30:36
  She hasn't been around for generations.
• 30:39
  Makes a lot of money.
• 30:40
  Yeah.
• 30:41
  Yeah.
• 30:42
  Why is everybody so scared of Big Pharma?
• 30:44
  You know?
• 30:45
  Hey, if she lived with you, you'd be scared of her too.
• 30:48
  That's why you're trying to go to sleep.
• 30:50
  You're trying to get away from her.
• 30:53
  And then she does come in there and watch you until you fall asleep.
• 30:56
  Okay.
• 30:57
  She wants to make sure you go to bed and get your rest.
• 30:59
  You sure you didn't grow up at a mental institution?
• 31:02
  She sounds like just a big, hard-nosed maid.
• 31:06
  She sounds like an orderly.
• 31:08
  Yeah.
• 31:09
  What's her full name?
• 31:11
  I assume Big Pharma is a nickname.
• 31:14
  Big Pharma is kind of what my family's just called her for years.
• 31:18
  Her name is Pharma-Lan Faraway.
• 31:22
  They actually tell you her name.
• 31:23
  They just told you one fact about her and you just assumed that was her name?
• 31:26
  We just knew she wasn't from around here, so that's just kind of what we started calling
• 31:31
  her.
• 31:32
  Pharma-Lan Faraway, huh?
• 31:33
  Pharma-Lan Faraway.
• 31:34
  All right.
• 31:35
  Very good.
• 31:36
  We don't know if this is going to be a new segment at all.
• 31:39
  We don't know what's happening right now, but as adults, we're thinking about being
• 31:44
  homeowners.
• 31:45
  We're thinking about being homos.
• 31:47
  Homos?
• 31:48
  We're homos.
• 31:49
  Homeowners.
• 31:50
  Homeowners.
• 31:51
  You know, we're midlife.
• 31:52
  We can try something new.
• 31:57
  But for this next little bit, we're going to go take a house tour and maybe see what
• 32:03
  we might want to purchase.
• 32:14
  Today on House Hunters, Zach and Evan are looking for their forever home with a $3 million budget.
• 32:20
  They are wanting something to fit their crazy cool life and is big enough for their hobbies.
• 32:25
  Their expectations are high, but it's nothing for hit realtor Alan Forecloser to tackle.
• 32:30
  All right.
• 32:31
  Welcome back to House Hunters.
• 32:32
  I'm Alan Foreclosure.
• 32:34
  Today on the episode, we've got two friends, Zach and Evan.
• 32:40
  Zach and Evan are looking for an 8,000 square foot home for activities and hosting parties.
• 32:49
  Zach and Evan enjoy eating, hula hooping, and making sand angels.
• 32:56
  Well thank you, Alan Forskin.
• 32:58
  Me and my friend Evan are looking for an 8,000 square foot house, three bedrooms though.
• 33:08
  One bath.
• 33:09
  What an unusual specification.
• 33:13
  All right.
• 33:15
  Well, do you have something for us?
• 33:17
  Well wouldn't you know it, but I definitely have three options.
• 33:23
  A lot of male couples your age that have had the same specific interests in mind.
• 33:29
  So the first house we've got here, 8,000 square foot house exactly, the living room is 6,000
• 33:37
  square foot.
• 33:40
  So when we say open concept, boy do we mean it.
• 33:43
  It's like an airplane hanger.
• 33:47
  You could do maintenance on a John Deere 4430 tractor in here.
• 33:53
  Oh well, I think Evan, are you ready to go see this house?
• 33:58
  Yeah, I'm interested.
• 33:59
  This guy's good.
• 34:00
  He's already got one on deck.
• 34:01
  Alan Forskin comes with good reviews.
• 34:03
  Yeah, so right here standing on the front door, we've got a 16 by 12 garage door.
• 34:10
  That's the front door?
• 34:12
  This house has no front door.
• 34:16
  You enter through the giant garage door.
• 34:18
  Absolutely.
• 34:19
  Which means you're driving right up into that living room.
• 34:22
  The thing is about having this big of a living room, Alan Forskin, is that you can park your
• 34:26
  vehicle in here and you wouldn't even know it's in here.
• 34:29
  The size of it is amazing.
• 34:30
  That is true.
• 34:31
  That is true.
• 34:32
  And you could just keep your car running and kind of let the fumes just collect in the
• 34:37
  house.
• 34:38
  Yeah, I think that's great.
• 34:39
  Now Alan, we wanted a one bathroom house.
• 34:44
  The toilet seems to be sitting right in the middle of the 6,000 square foot living space.
• 34:49
  Is this the bathroom?
• 34:50
  Is this a 6,000 square foot bathroom?
• 34:54
  Actually no.
• 34:55
  This is the, this is a focal point of the room.
• 34:59
  While this is a working toilet, it acts as more of a water feature.
• 35:03
  I see that it does have a bidet in it.
• 35:06
  You flush it and that water just shoots up like a fountain.
• 35:09
  How fun.
• 35:11
  It's great that it's on a pedestal right in the middle.
• 35:13
  It looks like we're part of a weird toilet religion.
• 35:16
  Really grabs your attention.
• 35:19
  Really can't take your eyes off of it.
• 35:23
  Now Alan, I'm noticing in the 6,000 square foot room with the toilets in the middle,
• 35:27
  there are no windows.
• 35:29
  It is very dark in here.
• 35:31
  Absolutely correct.
• 35:32
  There are only three light fixtures.
• 35:35
  Is it that tiny little one up in the corner?
• 35:39
  You got it.
• 35:41
  That's a spotlight.
• 35:42
  Oh, it's a spotlight.
• 35:44
  That spotlight in the corner.
• 35:45
  Yeah.
• 35:46
  Oh, so like, it's like a prison spotlight.
• 35:47
  Like it does have a warden feel to it.
• 35:51
  Well, that's because that spotlight is sitting on top of one of our other features, the guard
• 35:57
  tower.
• 35:59
  Perfect.
• 36:02
  It really gives you that yard time feel.
• 36:05
  You know, Alan Horskin, I have lived in multiple houses where I never felt like I was being
• 36:11
  watched so it's great that there's a guard tower right there.
• 36:13
  Well, I think a lot of people struggle when they were a prisoner of war and then they
• 36:19
  come back and they're no longer a prisoner of war.
• 36:21
  So we want to kind of keep giving them that feeling.
• 36:24
  And as a couple of people who were not prisoners of war, this house seems perfect.
• 36:29
  This is amazing.
• 36:31
  Does the guard come with the house or do we have to hire that separately?
• 36:34
  I'm glad you asked.
• 36:35
  Yes, the guard does come with a tower.
• 36:37
  Wow.
• 36:38
  What a deal.
• 36:39
  What a great deal.
• 36:40
  What a steal.
• 36:41
  I mean, that's great that you don't see too many houses that come with that.
• 36:45
  You don't.
• 36:46
  And let me I'll tell you something else about the guard.
• 36:48
  And this is I shouldn't even be telling you this before you before you settle on the house.
• 36:52
  The guard can be whatever nationality you want him to be.
• 36:55
  Like you change out the guard or he just adopts an accent.
• 36:58
  He will adopt an accent.
• 37:02
  The guard is actually an out of work art student and he was really into theater as an adult,
• 37:08
  which is weird most of the time.
• 37:11
  But because he's got this gig at the house, he's kind of found his calling.
• 37:15
  That's great.
• 37:16
  Well, that seems like he's flexible in that maybe one day he can put his leg behind his
• 37:21
  head that but also like one day he if I wanted to be an oppressed Russian, you know, he could
• 37:28
  look down upon me with the yet yet, you know, 100 percent.
• 37:33
  Yeah.
• 37:34
  The next day I want to be a Holocaust victim.
• 37:36
  He could be a little German up there.
• 37:37
  Just some W's and V's for him.
• 37:40
  Certainly could.
• 37:41
  Certainly could.
• 37:42
  He could be whatever we wanted him to be.
• 37:45
  That's great.
• 37:46
  That's what a great amenity for this house.
• 37:48
  I think so.
• 37:49
  I'm glad you guys like it.
• 37:50
  What a what a great amenity for the house to have two men to be able to use another
• 37:55
  man however they want.
• 37:57
  The country's come so far.
• 38:00
  Super aggressive.
• 38:01
  Speaking of which, you guys want to see those bedrooms?
• 38:04
  Absolutely.
• 38:05
  Now there are two more rooms in the house.
• 38:07
  There are two more rooms now.
• 38:08
  Now I'm not.
• 38:09
  Well, it should be three, right?
• 38:11
  Well, it's three.
• 38:12
  I think.
• 38:13
  Wait, two bedrooms in a bathroom because we haven't gotten the bathroom yet.
• 38:15
  The bathroom doesn't count as a room.
• 38:16
  OK, OK.
• 38:17
  So there are two bedrooms and then a storehouse.
• 38:21
  That's that's that's the third room.
• 38:23
  OK, good.
• 38:24
  Because I was worried we're not going to have enough room.
• 38:26
  Yeah.
• 38:27
  All right.
• 38:28
  So, I mean, that's great.
• 38:29
  Yeah, I would love to see the bedrooms, which, you know, I'm not a mathematician.
• 38:33
  But if we're asking if this is an eight thousand square foot house and the living area is six
• 38:37
  thousand, that means we have about two thousand square foot to play with.
• 38:40
  I tell you what, you smart guy.
• 38:43
  I listen.
• 38:44
  We are able to afford this house purely off of my my concussed brain.
• 38:48
  Evan, I can see what you're seeing in this guy.
• 38:50
  Yeah.
• 38:51
  What?
• 38:52
  Just wait till he gets the spotlight on me.
• 38:54
  All right.
• 38:55
  Let's let's let's check out the take out the the rest of the house.
• 38:58
  All right.
• 38:59
  So we're we're opening up the door going into bedroom one.
• 39:02
  What do you guys what do you guys think about?
• 39:03
  This now, Evan, do you see that the ceiling is not only not vaulted, it's inversely vaulted.
• 39:11
  It's touching the ground.
• 39:13
  A good eye.
• 39:16
  But only in the middle.
• 39:18
  It's only in the middle.
• 39:19
  Like you can only really use the outside perimeter of this room as the roof is sunk completely
• 39:24
  to the floor.
• 39:25
  Yeah, seems like a water collecting basin almost.
• 39:30
  Now, now that you say that, I'm looking at the Google image of this house.
• 39:36
  It doesn't have a roof over this over this part of the house.
• 39:40
  It's just a giant latex area that water is slowly collected.
• 39:45
  That's right.
• 39:46
  This must be the pool.
• 39:47
  Ah, good.
• 39:48
  I mean, sometimes you just turn water into wine, Evan.
• 39:52
  Sometimes.
• 39:53
  Sometimes you just keep the water on the roof.
• 39:56
  So tell us about this amenity, Alan.
• 39:58
  Why did why did we not put a roof on this house?
• 40:01
  This this portion of the house.
• 40:04
  So I am glad you notice and I'm glad that you've asked the reason why there is a pool
• 40:09
  on top of your roof in place of your roof, actually, that is now inside the room that
• 40:15
  is now inside the room is because there is no yard in this house.
• 40:19
  So there is no place to put a pool.
• 40:21
  There's not yards in usually in any houses.
• 40:25
  There is no yard surrounding.
• 40:26
  I understand.
• 40:27
  I understand.
• 40:28
  OK, well, this house is actually in a commercial business area.
• 40:33
  So it has a lot of soothing noises.
• 40:35
  Yeah, there's just the sound of industry in the area.
• 40:40
  There's lulls you right to sleep.
• 40:42
  That's good.
• 40:43
  And it's great that this doesn't have a roof.
• 40:44
  No noise is blocked out.
• 40:45
  It comes right in the sound of your cameras and you're hearing every.
• 40:49
  Yeah, that's that's great.
• 40:50
  All those 18 wheelers slamming doors closed.
• 40:53
  But it's really cool because also there is a water filtration system, which is just a
• 40:58
  PVC pipe with a couple of coffee filters inside of it.
• 41:03
  Oh, we can drain it.
• 41:04
  Yeah, you can just drain it out there in case you get thirsty.
• 41:06
  Let me get a cup of this.
• 41:07
  Go ahead.
• 41:08
  This tastes like West Nile virus.
• 41:10
  You got it.
• 41:12
  There are tiny little mosquitoes, baby mosquitoes swimming around in my in my cup.
• 41:17
  Another amenity protein, you know, where else can you get West Nile virus right at the palm
• 41:22
  of your hand?
• 41:23
  And honestly, West Nile virus is less popular than it was, you know, a few years ago.
• 41:28
  So we're trying to kind of boost it back up.
• 41:30
  Absolutely.
• 41:31
  It's it's it's going to be great when it finally peaks again.
• 41:34
  Look out Ebola.
• 41:35
  Here we go.
• 41:36
  Well, I noticed the horse trough over there.
• 41:39
  There is a horse trough.
• 41:40
  Interesting.
• 41:41
  Interesting.
• 41:42
  This this room seems to be water themed.
• 41:44
  Yeah.
• 41:45
  But the weird thing is it's full of gravy.
• 41:48
  Gross.
• 41:49
  OK.
• 41:50
  I think the last homeowner left there that we did not have time to get out.
• 41:53
  You just left it.
• 41:54
  OK.
• 41:55
  OK.
• 41:56
  You thought we would like that?
• 41:58
  The last homeowner was a cracker barrel cook and he was a sneaking out gravy.
• 42:03
  Obviously, they specialize in gravy.
• 42:06
  So he would sneak it out in his pants pockets and he would just put it in the trough for
• 42:12
  in case he ever had a guest over.
• 42:14
  This was the guest bedroom.
• 42:15
  Sure.
• 42:16
  Absolutely.
• 42:17
  So, you know, they're eating all that gravy.
• 42:18
  They need something to wash it down with.
• 42:19
  They just take a drink out of the water hose coming from the roof.
• 42:24
  You know, the gravy is just an amenity.
• 42:28
  I think I think we can make that work.
• 42:30
  Yeah.
• 42:31
  Keep it.
• 42:32
  Yeah.
• 42:33
  Obviously, he worked so hard for it.
• 42:34
  Sure.
• 42:35
  I'm sure he's been captured and put to death for the horrendous crimes that he's committed.
• 42:40
  Cracker Barrel doesn't take.
• 42:42
  Yeah.
• 42:43
  Yeah.
• 42:44
  They they ripped the stars off of his apron kind of in a military court martial fashion.
• 42:49
  Cracker Barrel does not take kindly to theft.
• 42:52
  Absolutely.
• 42:53
  I bet not.
• 42:54
  But yeah, I think this room is good.
• 42:57
  What's the what's the second bedroom look like?
• 42:59
  So the next bedroom, if we're walking down this hall that takes two steps to get down,
• 43:06
  it's right here.
• 43:07
  Yeah.
• 43:08
  Yeah.
• 43:09
  You just you kind of round the corner two steps and you're in the right.
• 43:11
  I think I hit my shoulder on.
• 43:13
  Here's another thousand square foot room.
• 43:15
  I guess this is where all the lighting went.
• 43:17
  Oh, God, it is bright.
• 43:21
  So there is there was a little bit of a mix up when when the house was actually designed
• 43:26
  and all the lighting went into this room.
• 43:28
  It looks like the son of God has come back in the second coming in here.
• 43:32
  It is all kind of ceiling fans that are sometimes mounted on the walls.
• 43:39
  You've got wall sconces like you're in a medieval dungeon.
• 43:43
  They're just chandelier, a dangly chandelier on the floor.
• 43:46
  So it's not really dangly.
• 43:47
  It's just kind of laying there all lit up.
• 43:49
  It looks like it's chained to the floor.
• 43:51
  Yeah, my eyes hurt.
• 43:54
  This is painful.
• 43:55
  It should not be noted that this the cell of the house is not contingent on whether
• 44:00
  you own sunglasses or not.
• 44:02
  You will have to provide those yourself.
• 44:04
  OK, so we will have to provide those.
• 44:07
  I did notice I walked in and I couldn't tell if I just thought everything in the room was
• 44:12
  white or if my eyes had just been blinded.
• 44:15
  Yeah, I think your rods and cones have melted within your eyeballs.
• 44:18
  Yeah, it felt that like immediately.
• 44:20
  I felt the melting.
• 44:22
  We actually painted the room white just to kind of add to that.
• 44:25
  Just to bounce the light off the walls.
• 44:28
  The mirrors were also an interesting choice in here.
• 44:30
  That is true.
• 44:31
  Yeah, there are the whole ceiling is mirrors.
• 44:35
  It's basically just it's so hot in here.
• 44:38
  It's like it's like you are harnessing the energy of the sun.
• 44:41
  That's pretty much it.
• 44:42
  We're who is a greenhouse room.
• 44:45
  Who is the leathery ten man in the corner over there?
• 44:48
  Oh, you mean you mean Keith?
• 44:51
  Oh, nice to meet you, Keith.
• 44:54
  Keith doesn't come with the house, but he does work here.
• 44:56
  What does he do?
• 44:58
  He just kind of tans.
• 45:00
  Accumulates skin cancer.
• 45:02
  Yeah.
• 45:03
  Yeah.
• 45:04
  Well, Keith, he looks great.
• 45:05
  Very saggy.
• 45:06
  He looks like an old leather bag.
• 45:07
  Yeah, Keith spent roughly 12 years as a homeless man on a Florida beach.
• 45:12
  He was like, there wasn't enough sun.
• 45:15
  No, there wasn't enough sun there.
• 45:17
  And he made enough money selling broken glass necklaces to get him to get out of Florida.
• 45:23
  I did notice all the broken glass on the floor.
• 45:25
  Do not want to walk in here without shoes on.
• 45:27
  I thought it was kind of supposed to mimic sand or something of the like.
• 45:31
  There's just shards.
• 45:32
  It's a jacket.
• 45:34
  Something cool about Keith and if you guys buy the house, you'll you'll eventually develop
• 45:38
  the skill by living here is his feet are so leathery that walking on the glass doesn't
• 45:43
  even affect him.
• 45:44
  Wow.
• 45:45
  Basically, you cannot penetrate the soles of his feet.
• 45:48
  Well, I tell you what he could penetrate.
• 45:51
  Oh, and that's my heart.
• 45:53
  OK, because I already like Keith a lot.
• 45:56
  Well, that's that is great.
• 45:57
  I'm loving where this is going.
• 45:59
  Yeah, that's Zach.
• 46:00
  I got to say on this room, when we get the inspection done, we definitely want to get
• 46:05
  an electrician to check this out because I got to see the amperage draw on this thing.
• 46:09
  This bad boy's got to be pulling entire breakers rolling blackouts throughout the city recently.
• 46:15
  And I assume it's because of this because you've been showing the houses.
• 46:19
  Yeah.
• 46:20
  Let me assure you that the house is up to code and that code is the Bushido code.
• 46:27
  So if something goes wrong, either Keith or the guard from the guard tower will fall on
• 46:31
  their sword.
• 46:37
  That's good.
• 46:38
  That's good that they will take all the blame.
• 46:39
  Most certainly.
• 46:40
  Anything to protect you.
• 46:41
  Yeah, but it also seems like we'll have to clean that up.
• 46:44
  Yeah.
• 46:45
  Could they do it outside?
• 46:46
  Maybe.
• 46:47
  Yeah, but it seems like a mess.
• 46:50
  Well, I'm going to close this door because probably for the best.
• 46:54
  Yeah, my eye.
• 46:55
  I have no I have no eyebrows.
• 46:58
  Last thing you guys want to see, I guess, is probably the kitchen.
• 47:00
  The kitchen.
• 47:01
  Yes.
• 47:02
  The normal thing in the house.
• 47:03
  Yes.
• 47:04
  All right.
• 47:05
  Let's see the kitchen.
• 47:06
  I thought isn't there a storage thing too?
• 47:07
  Oh, yeah.
• 47:08
  Oh, that's right.
• 47:09
  The storeroom.
• 47:10
  He wanted to brush past that.
• 47:15
  He made that up.
• 47:17
  The storeroom is 100 percent a thing that is real and we'll walk down the hall to go
• 47:20
  to that as well.
• 47:22
  So yeah, here we are opening up the door into the storeroom and you'll notice that it is
• 47:25
  just wall to wall barrels.
• 47:28
  It looks like an old timey ship.
• 47:30
  Yeah.
• 47:31
  We're a little bit of a prohibition era.
• 47:33
  Yeah, that's that's kind of the vibe that we're going for.
• 47:36
  The door to get in there is actually just a giant pitcher on the wall.
• 47:39
  So you know, it's kind of a secret entrance.
• 47:42
  Yeah.
• 47:43
  Now the picture is of you and Keith hugging it out on a bareback style, bareback style.
• 47:50
  It looks like some very romantic beach.
• 47:53
  So this is actually a picture of me and Keith right after one of our biggest fights.
• 47:59
  It's very ironic.
• 48:00
  Go get the fights.
• 48:01
  We were we were a wrestling tag team group.
• 48:05
  So the fight was us fighting other people.
• 48:07
  Oh, OK, I see.
• 48:09
  And we just we just came victorious.
• 48:11
  So this is just us just two bros hugging it out as they do.
• 48:15
  You're smelling the back of his head, but I guess we'll overlook that.
• 48:18
  All right.
• 48:19
  Well, OK, what's in the barrels in here in the storage room?
• 48:22
  Mardi Gras beads.
• 48:23
  A Mar.
• 48:24
  OK, very useful.
• 48:26
  How much square footage you say this room once again?
• 48:28
  Oh, gosh, what are we at right now?
• 48:30
  We're at six.
• 48:31
  We're at eight thousand.
• 48:32
  Each room is like a six thousand.
• 48:35
  Oh, well, actually broken the space continuum.
• 48:39
  We're adding space into the planet.
• 48:41
  We are breaking.
• 48:42
  Let me tell you about this because there is there is actually more space than you thought.
• 48:46
  Oh, so surprise.
• 48:48
  Square footage is measured by area that's heated and cooled within a house.
• 48:53
  There is not a single vent in the storeroom.
• 48:56
  It is stuffy.
• 48:57
  It is stuffy in the in the summer and cold in the winter.
• 49:01
  Lot of mold.
• 49:02
  A lot of mold.
• 49:03
  I noticed that.
• 49:04
  But not too much, though.
• 49:06
  Well, it's a healthy amount.
• 49:07
  Sure.
• 49:08
  It's a good amount that you want any house to have a lot of black mold.
• 49:11
  It's good that we're inclusive.
• 49:13
  Yeah.
• 49:14
  Yeah.
• 49:15
  Because there's a diversity in the mold, and I think that's what's important is you don't
• 49:19
  want just one kind of mold.
• 49:20
  Then you got a problem.
• 49:21
  Sure.
• 49:22
  If you have a bunch of different kinds of mold, then it's like artistic.
• 49:25
  Absolutely.
• 49:26
  And we desegregated the mold, too.
• 49:29
  Well, that's good.
• 49:30
  I love this room.
• 49:32
  We'll come up with something for the beads, I assume.
• 49:35
  But all right.
• 49:36
  Well, for our yearly St. Patrick's parade, Sir Mardi Gras parade that we'll have run
• 49:41
  through the entire house that there's enough in a living room.
• 49:44
  Maybe we could do like a home alone situation where maybe we have a thief break in.
• 49:48
  We can just put the beads on the ground.
• 49:50
  They slip and slide all over the place.
• 49:52
  That'd be cool.
• 49:53
  That'd be cool.
• 49:54
  OK.
• 49:55
  Well, this is a security system at this point, so that's pretty cool.
• 49:57
  Or you could have a bunch of people come into your house, like Evan was saying, and do a
• 50:01
  St. Patrick's Day parade.
• 50:04
  And you two could act out that scene from The Fugitive where Tommy Lee Jones chases
• 50:08
  Harrison Ford through the parade.
• 50:09
  There you go.
• 50:10
  That'd be good.
• 50:11
  Ah, that's good.
• 50:12
  There's very little to do with the beads, but I'm following along.
• 50:14
  I like that.
• 50:15
  Well, it has all to do with St. Patrick's Day, though.
• 50:18
  OK.
• 50:19
  OK.
• 50:20
  We'll just pick out the green beads of the purple, green, and yellow beads.
• 50:22
  Yeah.
• 50:23
  It'll be a whole process.
• 50:24
  It's fine.
• 50:25
  OK.
• 50:26
  We'll figure it out.
• 50:27
  Let's go ahead and close this homoerotic picture right here that is also a door.
• 50:30
  Let's go see where the sausage is made, so to speak.
• 50:33
  The kitchen is essentially in the main 6,000 square foot living area.
• 50:37
  Oh, OK.
• 50:38
  How did we miss that?
• 50:40
  Well, you missed it because it is just a small open flame cook fire with a kettle over it.
• 50:46
  There is a bonnet cladded maid sitting in the front.
• 50:49
  She looks like something from Little House on the Prairie.
• 50:52
  Her name is Ruth.
• 50:53
  She has a name tag.
• 50:55
  Roof.
• 50:56
  Oh, Roof.
• 50:57
  Roof.
• 50:58
  Oh, OK.
• 50:59
  Is that a misspelling or is that her actual name?
• 51:01
  That is her name, and she would like for you to get it right.
• 51:05
  Now does she cook or does she just wander the house like a Victorian ghost?
• 51:08
  She does a little bit of both.
• 51:11
  So she cooks over this very small cook fire using this one cast iron kettle.
• 51:17
  I would also like to point out that there is no escape for the smoke, and it's just
• 51:21
  kind of collecting at the top of the house.
• 51:23
  That's right.
• 51:24
  It's there in case you need it for later.
• 51:26
  It's there for if I need it for later?
• 51:27
  Yeah.
• 51:28
  Just in case you got into use for some smoke.
• 51:30
  Which would be?
• 51:31
  Why would I need smoke?
• 51:32
  It's not my job to tell you how to live your life.
• 51:35
  It's just there.
• 51:36
  It's just there in case you need it.
• 51:38
  OK.
• 51:39
  But yeah, Roof comes and she she turns down the bed for you every night.
• 51:43
  OK.
• 51:44
  Sort of, you know, nice, nice maid service.
• 51:46
  She's also your alarm in the morning.
• 51:49
  Can we get a an example of a can you ask her if she can do the alarm for us?
• 51:53
  Roof, can you do the alarm for them?
• 51:55
  Well, certainly, master.
• 51:57
  Oh, God.
• 51:58
  Oh, man.
• 51:59
  What is that about?
• 52:00
  Roof.
• 52:01
  Remember what we said?
• 52:02
  We talked about this.
• 52:03
  You can't you don't do you don't have to do that anymore.
• 52:06
  Here's your alarm.
• 52:08
  It's six o'clock in the.
• 52:10
  Oh, she's setting us up.
• 52:11
  It's six o'clock in the morning.
• 52:14
  You just had a full night of peaceful slumber.
• 52:16
  Is my hair all over the place?
• 52:18
  Is your hair all over the what?
• 52:19
  Like in my head, like, do I have bed head?
• 52:21
  You have bed head.
• 52:22
  It's kind of cute.
• 52:23
  Oh, OK.
• 52:24
  But here's how I would wake you up.
• 52:26
  Oh, my God.
• 52:27
  The Germans are coming.
• 52:28
  Oh, my God.
• 52:29
  Wow.
• 52:30
  That what a beautiful way to.
• 52:33
  That is great.
• 52:36
  Just made this a scared of Nazi Germany in 1945.
• 52:40
  She knows how to do her job.
• 52:41
  That is how does she know about the Nazis?
• 52:43
  Thank you for that.
• 52:44
  Yeah.
• 52:45
  Yeah.
• 52:46
  I think she was around back then.
• 52:47
  She is very old.
• 52:50
  Does she cook anything besides various stews or is it all just stews in the kettle?
• 52:55
  She is a pretty pretty much a stew woman, which every woman wants to be described as.
• 53:01
  Every woman wants to be described as a stew.
• 53:03
  I also called her a stewardess.
• 53:06
  You could call her a stewardess.
• 53:07
  OK.
• 53:08
  OK, good.
• 53:09
  Yet she could be described as a handsome woman with big strong hands.
• 53:14
  Yeah.
• 53:15
  Mitts.
• 53:16
  I'll call them mitts.
• 53:17
  Just just old 1930s catchers mitt hands like she could she could work steel.
• 53:24
  I would describe her as homely.
• 53:26
  Oh, yeah.
• 53:27
  Yeah.
• 53:28
  Just below par looks.
• 53:30
  He's crying over in the corner now because we're just in here roasting her.
• 53:33
  If you had a crop you needed out of the field, she'd be the one you'd want on your side.
• 53:38
  You wouldn't even need a combine.
• 53:40
  You would just get her out there like Yankee, Yankee doodle and the crop right out of the
• 53:44
  ground.
• 53:45
  Yeah, this would not be her first, not not be her first time.
• 53:49
  OK, well, I'm glad Ruth, the stewardess is around.
• 53:55
  So I guess, you know, we've seen the whole house.
• 53:58
  I would like to point out you said that this wasn't the main bathroom, but yet it is the
• 54:01
  only toilet in the house.
• 54:03
  Well, well, well gloss over it.
• 54:05
  I was going to bring it up, but I thought better not.
• 54:10
  He lied.
• 54:11
  Yeah.
• 54:12
  So, you know, yeah, yeah.
• 54:13
  I mean, it was it was it was a lie.
• 54:17
  It was a design flaw in the house.
• 54:20
  We wanted a water feature.
• 54:21
  A bathroom was supposed to have been put in.
• 54:23
  They got the work orders wrong and instead made the light room.
• 54:27
  OK, it was supposed to be a one bedroom house with one bathroom.
• 54:31
  Right.
• 54:32
  Sometimes our biggest mistakes turn out to be our biggest amenities.
• 54:35
  So I really appreciate that.
• 54:37
  So the final question is, how much does this house cost?
• 54:40
  You're probably looking at a two point five million dollar home.
• 54:44
  That's easy.
• 54:45
  You're a teacher and I'm a trash man.
• 54:47
  So yeah, we can definitely afford that on our budget.
• 54:50
  And I teach trash man.
• 54:51
  That's how we met.
• 54:52
  Yeah.
• 54:53
  OK.
• 54:54
  And you guys are just good friends and he trashes teachers.
• 54:56
  Yeah.
• 54:57
  Yeah, we're we're great.
• 54:58
  Great.
• 54:59
  Like really close friends.
• 55:00
  I just said good.
• 55:02
  You said great.
• 55:03
  We don't want to underplay how good our friendship is.
• 55:06
  OK, OK.
• 55:07
  You you're not going to meet two people who are better friends than we are.
• 55:11
  Right now I'm holding Evan as if he's a damsel in my arms.
• 55:15
  Yeah.
• 55:16
  Well, I think I think friendship is really important and the bond between roommates is
• 55:21
  just one of one of the greatest bonds.
• 55:23
  I'm glad that we have a realtor that's just going to give us philosophical opinion.
• 55:28
  Yeah, that's me.
• 55:30
  Oh, well, obviously we're going to have enough money to buy this house.
• 55:35
  What's the interest rate at right now?
• 55:36
  Well, in this area, it's kind of low at fourteen point five.
• 55:41
  Easy peasy.
• 55:42
  So I'm sure that's something that two big money people like yourself would not have
• 55:45
  a problem with.
• 55:46
  Put it on the credit card.
• 55:47
  Pay it off in a couple hundred years.
• 55:49
  Yeah.
• 55:50
  I mean, that's great.
• 55:51
  I think with all the parties we're going to be able to throw here and all the life that
• 55:55
  we'll be able to live in here, I think it's going to make it worth it.
• 55:58
  Well, I'm glad you guys have found your home.
• 56:01
  So thankfully we don't have to look at the other two homes that I promised you.
• 56:04
  Yeah.
• 56:05
  No, yeah, we're good.
• 56:06
  You've really you've really sold you on this.
• 56:08
  The other homes were too normal.
• 56:09
  We don't have time for that.
• 56:11
  That's true.
• 56:12
  That's thank you for thank you for coming in and tune in next time for House Hunters
• 56:18
  with Alan Foreclosure.
• 56:19
  Wow.
• 56:29
  I'm just glad we could make a house purchase and listeners, Saturday workers.
• 56:35
  This just goes to show if you put your heart and soul into anything, you can be homos,
• 56:39
  too.
• 56:40
  Yeah.
• 56:41
  You can be homo homo owners.
• 56:42
  Homeowners.
• 56:43
  Yeah.
• 56:44
  Yeah.
• 56:45
  OK.
• 56:46
  Well, as we end this episode, let's give the Saturday workers a one liner wisdom.
• 56:52
  You know, they say that electricity is power.
• 56:57
  I say the true power lives in the like Tristate.
• 57:06
  Not the electric, not electric country, electric country.
• 57:11
  The electric federal government has too much power.
• 57:16
  OK, very good.
• 57:17
  I don't really know how you use that wisdom, but however you see fit, if it's for you,
• 57:23
  you'll know how to use it.
• 57:24
  Yeah.
• 57:25
  When you're in the moment where it really applies, you'll know.
• 57:27
  They say it's bad to soil your pants, but it's even worse to get caught putting soil
• 57:33
  in your pants.
• 57:34
  Yeah.
• 57:35
  Yeah.
• 57:36
  I don't I don't necessarily agree with that, but I do see the wisdom in it.
• 57:39
  I think that's true.
• 57:40
  Very good, guys.
• 57:41
  Very wise.
• 57:42
  But if you have a hypothetical for us, if you need advice from the three wisest people,
• 57:47
  if you need a subject to get fun facts about, write us in question with Detour podcast at
• 57:52
  Gmail dot com.
• 57:53
  All right, guys, do you all want to be done?
• 57:55
  Hola, como estas, senor Evan?
• 57:58
  Hey, Sandman.
• 58:00
  I've already been through the almanac, so kind of ready for you.
• 58:06
  See, you're right where I need you to be.
• 58:08
  Oh, OK, Sandman.
• 58:10
  Here's a little dream of a little burrito with some cheese.
• 58:15
  Oh, God.
• 58:16
  Yeah.
• 58:17
  Oh, get in some inhaled.
• 58:18
  Oh, that is a good dream.
• 58:22
  What do you think about this case?
• 58:24
  A deal that is there's a lot of nacho cheese coming out of that too much cheese.
• 58:29
  Oh, I don't know if I'd say too much.
• 58:33
  How much is too much?
• 58:34
  I call it queso con queso.
• 58:37
  I do feel like I'm going to wake up covered in nacho cheese again today.
• 58:41
  Judging by that quesadilla you're showing me right now.
• 58:44
  Evan, could you keep the cheese out of the bed?
• 58:46
  All right.
• 58:47
  The lights are already too bright in this stupid room.
• 58:50
  Now you have some Hispanic man in here feeding you items.
• 58:54
  I cannot sleep.
• 58:55
  This isn't about you.
• 58:57
  I'm trying to get a dream out of my Sandman.
• 59:00
  This is Sandman.
• 59:01
  Hola.
• 59:02
  You know, Sandman.
• 59:03
  I found him at the Home Depot parking lot.
• 59:06
  Como estas?
• 59:07
  It gives me a dream.
• 59:08
  He feeds me burritos and geladas.
• 59:11
  He's brought a trash bag full of food items in here.
• 59:14
  He's not putting them in the bed.
• 59:16
  You're not even eating them.
• 59:17
  Well, it gives me a good dream.
• 59:20
  You know, it sends me to sleep well.
• 59:21
  I have this bag full of pork rinds.
• 59:25
  Do you not want me to sleep well, Zach?
• 59:27
  Is that what this is?
• 59:28
  Sandman is here to do a job and you're going to stop him?
• 59:31
  He's putting pork rinds in the bed.
• 59:32
  This is very crumbly.
• 59:33
  He is the number one dream maker in the Latino community right now.
• 59:38
  This is a nightmare to me.
• 59:39
  This is not a dream.
• 59:40
  I make your dream most come true.
• 59:42
  He seems fluent.
• 59:44
  He's good.
• 1:00:14
  The Detour.