Latest / Head Shrink Inc. / How Emotional Intelligence Breaks The Blame Cycle In Relationships

Transcript

How Emotional Intelligence Breaks The Blame Cycle In Relationships · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey friends, Doc David here.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about one thing that couples should stop doing.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Not just couples, let's just say people should stop doing.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: You are listening to drinking.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: Your ancestors to life, relationships, and daily living.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things I wanted to talk about today has to do with how couples interact with one another.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: So one of the things I've been seeing a lot, or just been coming up a lot with couples that I work with is this weird inability.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it has to do with emotional intelligence.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I am by no means an expert on emotional intelligence.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: I actually just downloaded an Audible book, a client recommended.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's called Emotional Intelligence 2.0.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: I I downloaded the Audible yesterday.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to listen to it.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't get any kickbacks from that, from mentioning that.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just giving you information that maybe, if you want to learn about emotional intelligence, might be a good book to pick up.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm going to start listening to that, give a little bit more insights into it.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: But one of the things I do know about emotional intelligence is that it affects how we interact with our partners, it affects how we interact with friends, acquaintances, and how we interact at the job site.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: One of, and this is how it plays out in couple relationships.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that when you hear how it plays out in couple relationships, then you can also see how it potentially plays out in a workplace relationship or possibly with your friends as well.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: So take any average couple and they're having an argument about something.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it kind of goes like this.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I had a couple do this actually yesterday, and I don't sometimes people like this and they keep seeing me, and other times people don't like this, and so then they never make follow-up appointments, or they cancel their appointments like three days later that they make with me.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I tend to like try to stop people in in the midst of them doing some harmful behavior in their relationship.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, I do the timeout signal with your hands or go up, up, up, up, nope, stop, hold on, hold on.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Something something like that to interrupt the the cycle that's happening.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so this cycle was happening yesterday with a brand new couple that I work with, and I was probably a little bit impatient, but it's I had to stop him because it was so obvious, and this is how it goes.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: A complaint's being brought up, some type of issue, you know, not doing the dishes, or talking to the kids sternly, or not giving information about something, or letting a pr part of your, you know, letting them know when you're gonna get home, any number of things.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so a blaming statement comes out from partner one and says, You did this yesterday, and I don't like it.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: So you have two options there, but this is an option that a lot of partners take, and it's an option that a lot of employees take.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I and in my opinion, I think it's a bad option, and I think it's a a sign that there's low emotional intelligence.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's not an insult, it's just what is.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so sometimes you get high emotion higher emotional intelligence you learn in your families of origin.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then sometimes you have families of origin that they themselves don't have these emotional intelligence skills, and so then you just learn from your parents who didn't have these skills, and you take them on into your own relationships as well.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where like I'm gonna read this book or listen to this book and get a bit more information about what that specifically looks like in other areas besides this specific area that I'm talking about today.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: But what it looks like is it looks like a couple partner one says, You do this thing and I don't really like it.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And the immediate reaction, and this is what happened yesterday with this couple, the immediate reaction is well, you do it too, and then you know, brings up an example of how they how you know partner A does this thing that they're complaining about.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe they don't the they don't do the exact thing, but they do something similar, and so then partner number two says, Well, you do this, and then they bring up their complaint about what partner number one does.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting mix mixed matched here with one partner one, partner two, partner A, partner B.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll just repeat that.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: So this is what it looks like.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, you didn't do the dishes yesterday, and I keep telling you that these dishes need to be done by this certain time.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you didn't do the dishes the other day by that time, or well, you don't pick up after yourself either.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then so that's two blaming statements, right?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: That kind of follow on one another.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: There's no resolution to those statements, and it just keeps people in a cycle of arguing, it keeps people in a cycle of blame, and it keeps people and this is significant, it keeps people out of a place where they can do some introspection on their behavior.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's low emotional intelligence.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: That is one path to take.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's one path that couples often take.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's and uh it's a path that some employees often take.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: So if a boss says to an employee, hey, you didn't do this, now an employee may not say, Well, boss, you didn't do this, but they may think it.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you've heard that phrase, whatsoever a man thinketh, that's that's what he does, right?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's how it plays out in in the work world.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: So the the s the other option you have, and this is harder to do, but it would indicate some more emotional maturity and some more emotional, higher emotional intelligence, is that when you're faced with that statement of blame or statement of criticism, is that you take the second path, and this is how it would look.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, you didn't do those dishes tonight like you said you would do, and they weren't and and I'm disappointed in that, or I'm upset, or it's hurtful because I want to be able to rely on your word.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Second path you can take.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: I recognize that I, yes, you're right.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't do those dishes.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, I should have done them.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Something got in my way, I'll go do them now, and I'll try, I'll work on that, I'll be better next time.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: The difference is you're owning, you like you hear this criticism and you're owning it, or you're stepping back and you're putting the microscope on yourself for a minute to really look at what your behavior was and and then potentially think, you know, is this a valid criticism that my partner's bringing up?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Is this is this a valid criticism that my boss is bringing up?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then you kind of go through decision tree, yes, it is a valid decision.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm gonna do, I'm gonna own it.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna say yes, I apologize, I want to make things right, I want to make amends.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Or the other option is I don't agree with this criticism, and then you address the criticism.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: You don't go to another criticism of the other person to fight and not address this criticism that has been brought up with you.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because the problem is if once you just keep going back and forth, it becomes a never-ending match of what can I get on you, and then you start pulling things from your past and bringing up like, oh, well, you did this three years ago and you never apologized to it.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, well, you did this two years ago and you never apologized, and then it just goes a tit for tat back and forth.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: But the the emotional maturity of listening to somebody and taking it in and then looking at your behavior and determining, oh, is this something that I am doing?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Is this something that I did wrong?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then recognizing it that perhaps it is something that I did wrong, and then owning it with your partner and making amends or doing whatever you need to do to make things right about whatever it is, is a huge difference in a relationship.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's a huge play change in a relationship.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Your play if your plays are predictable around who's gonna get blamed for what and you just blame each other, that's being stuck in a rut.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: But if your play is to hear criticism and to own it and then to make amends about it and then have it be dealt with, that could radically change your relationship.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: It could change your friendships, it could change your work relationships.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you find yourself doing that, my encouragement to you is write yourself a reminder.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Tell your partner you want to try to do this communication thing differently, get in with a therapist and get have them help you work through some communication skills that can allow your emotional intelligence to increase and then also allow you to take some kind of insightful look at yourself.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's a big challenge for people.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: They don't, they're they're fearful of being vulnerable because I think per perhaps they grew up in families where they they didn't experience vulnerability.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so what they experienced was you got to protect yourself at all costs.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: I think a lot of times that's what happens in that that's what comes out in in relationships when they can't work through things easily.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: They're protecting themselves from actually like looking, turning the microscope again on themselves and trying to figure things out.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: I know I know several people, some in my own family, that do not, do not slash will not look at their own behavior and try to change their own behavior.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: They're always looking for someone to blame for the behavior and the experiences that they're having.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: And your life would be so much better.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Your life would be become so much smoother if you put the microscope on yourself and with the help of perhaps a therapist, thinking, you know what, I don't do this thing well.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: I want to try to do this thing better, whether it's take criticism, become emotionally vulnerable with people, share emotionally intimate conversations with people.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: I don't do those things well.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Control drinking, you know, control drug use, whatever it is.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: I don't do those things well and I want to do them better.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Once you start down that path of health, your relationships will radically change for the better, I think.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I think you'll find a much more positive forward movement happening in your life.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have any questions, feel free to contact me at headshrinkink at gmail.com or you can Google me, Dr.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: David Simonson.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: My Facebooks will come up, my Instagrams will come up, my YouTubes will come up.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love for you to follow.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you have any questions, drop me a message, and maybe I can answer your question on the podcast.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, have a great weekend.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's Friday.