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Why Dating Feels Harder Than It Did 30 Years Ago · My Sexy Menopause Body

0:34
SPEAKER_01: Welcome to my sexy menopause body.
0:38
SPEAKER_01: My name is Kim Nicholson, and if you've been following me for this dating series we've been in for several weeks now, we've talked about many really important issues.
0:48
SPEAKER_01: And I'm talking about women who find themselves dating when they're in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and beyond.
0:55
SPEAKER_01: Because it's definitely something different than what it was 30 years ago.
1:00
SPEAKER_01: So in the past, we've talked about finding yourself again, deciding, you know, whether you truly are ready to date.
1:08
SPEAKER_01: Another one we talked about was creating the perfect profile that reflects who you are today.
1:15
SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
1:16
SPEAKER_01: Today we're going to talk about something I hear over and over again from women and a lot of my friends.
1:23
SPEAKER_01: And the conversation starts usually like, Kim, you know what?
1:28
SPEAKER_01: Dating feels a lot harder now.
1:30
SPEAKER_01: And honestly, guess what?
1:32
SPEAKER_01: I agree.
1:34
SPEAKER_01: But not for the reasons most people think.
1:37
SPEAKER_01: So let me ask you something.
1:40
SPEAKER_01: Do you remember when dating meant sitting by the phone?
1:45
SPEAKER_01: And I'm not talking your cell phone, I'm talking landline.
1:49
SPEAKER_01: We used to have this kind of like, hmm, you know, I think it was like a white phone with this really long cord and it would stretch across the room.
1:58
SPEAKER_01: So we didn't carry phones around with us then.
2:02
SPEAKER_01: And you know, we weren't really checking our phones back then every five minutes, and we weren't actually sitting by the phone.
2:08
SPEAKER_01: Well, maybe I was, uh, you know, I don't know.
2:11
SPEAKER_01: It's a long time ago.
2:12
SPEAKER_01: And but you know, the same thing happened uh back then.
2:15
SPEAKER_01: You know, you would hope he would call, or you maybe even wonder if he would call.
2:20
SPEAKER_01: And then when the phone rang, your heart skipped a beat.
2:25
SPEAKER_01: Remember that?
2:26
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, the phone's it's ringing.
2:28
SPEAKER_01: It must be for me.
2:31
SPEAKER_01: But today, guess what?
2:33
SPEAKER_01: You stare at those three little dots on a screen while someone's typing a text message to you, right?
2:41
SPEAKER_01: I don't know if the word typing is right.
2:43
SPEAKER_01: Maybe I'm really showing my age, but anyway, and somehow, guess what?
2:48
SPEAKER_01: That's considered romance today.
2:50
SPEAKER_01: 30 years ago, now let's talk about this.
2:53
SPEAKER_01: 30 years ago, if a guy liked you, he called.
2:58
SPEAKER_01: Today, guess what?
3:00
SPEAKER_01: He likes your photo, uh, he watches your stories, he sends a thumbs up emoji, and then he may disappear for 10 days, then suddenly reappears with some strange message like, hey stranger, and guess what?
3:18
SPEAKER_01: Somehow we're supposed to know what hey stranger actually means.
3:25
SPEAKER_01: I thought you hate those messages.
3:27
SPEAKER_01: So let me ask you another question.
3:30
SPEAKER_01: Is dating, in your opinion, actually harder today?
3:34
SPEAKER_01: Or are we trying to use yesterday's dating skills in a completely different world?
3:40
SPEAKER_01: Because if you've ever found yourself thinking, wow, this isn't like what it used to be, guess what?
3:46
SPEAKER_01: You're right.
3:47
SPEAKER_01: It wasn't that way, and that's exactly what we're talking about today.
3:52
SPEAKER_01: The rules have changed from 10, 20, 30, 40 years ago.
3:58
SPEAKER_01: One of the biggest mistakes women make in assuming that they're struggling because they're older.
4:04
SPEAKER_01: Well, guess what?
4:05
SPEAKER_01: It's not because you're older.
4:07
SPEAKER_01: I don't believe that's true.
4:08
SPEAKER_01: I think dating feels harder because the rules have changed.
4:15
SPEAKER_01: Think about how most of us met people years ago.
4:18
SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's let's reminisce about that.
4:21
SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
4:22
SPEAKER_01: Friends introduced us, right?
4:24
SPEAKER_01: Uh, maybe you met at work, uh, maybe you met at church, or maybe somebody in the family set you up, or community events, high school events, whatever it may be.
4:36
SPEAKER_01: Uh times people knew other people and they set you up on a date.
4:41
SPEAKER_01: Um, there was actually accountability because guess what?
4:44
SPEAKER_01: If someone behaved badly, chances were that somebody knew about it.
4:49
SPEAKER_01: Everybody knew everybody back then.
4:51
SPEAKER_01: Now, not so much.
4:52
SPEAKER_01: And back then, well, just like now, but we knew about it back then, that people have reputations.
5:00
SPEAKER_01: And today, many of us are meeting complete strangers, aren't we?
5:07
SPEAKER_01: All we see, all we're really meeting, is a profile in maybe six to seven pictures, a few sentences, and somehow we're expected to determine whether this person is really emotionally available, whether they're honest or trustworthy or financially stable, whether they're kind or compati compatible with us, and genuinely are they interested in dating?
5:33
SPEAKER_01: You know what?
5:33
SPEAKER_01: That's a lot to get from a picture and a few sentences.
5:39
SPEAKER_01: So when you think about it, it's really it's amazing that any of us can figure this out at all.
5:46
SPEAKER_01: And here's what I want you to hear.
5:49
SPEAKER_01: And if you felt overwhelmed or confused or frustrated or discouraged, it doesn't mean you're doing something wrong.
5:56
SPEAKER_01: All right, it means that you're navigating a completely different landscape today.
6:03
SPEAKER_01: And so I I always like takeaways, you know that.
6:06
SPEAKER_01: And so my first takeaway for you today is I want you to realize that dating does feel harder because we have more access to people, right?
6:16
SPEAKER_01: I mean, on any of those dating apps, you can find people from out of state.
6:20
SPEAKER_01: You can find them in another country if you want to.
6:24
SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
6:25
SPEAKER_01: As you're finding these people, there's less access to information about them.
6:30
SPEAKER_01: 30 years ago you knew their family, right?
6:32
SPEAKER_01: Today, you know the profile picture, and that's a big difference.
6:37
SPEAKER_01: So there is a sense of confusion, I think, about modern dating.
6:42
SPEAKER_01: And I really want to talk about something that really didn't exist when many of us were dating years ago.
6:47
SPEAKER_01: Here they are: ghosting, bread crumbing, situationships, orbiting, benching.
7:00
SPEAKER_01: Honestly, if someone had used those words 30 years ago to me, I would have thought they were talking about like like, I don't know, Halloween decorations or something.
7:11
SPEAKER_01: But today they're part of dating culture.
7:14
SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, it's just so odd.
7:16
SPEAKER_01: It's just odd.
7:17
SPEAKER_01: And what makes them so difficult isn't the behavior itself, it's the uncertainty about these things because uncertainty creates stories, right?
7:26
SPEAKER_01: Someone doesn't just text back and suddenly your brain starts filling in the blanks, right?
7:32
SPEAKER_01: Maybe I said too much, maybe it wasn't attractive enough, maybe I scared them away, maybe I should have waited longer, maybe, maybe, maybe.
7:45
SPEAKER_01: And before long, we're creating an entire story around something we actually know very little about.
7:55
SPEAKER_01: So one of the greatest lessons I've learned is this people's behavior tells you about them.
8:04
SPEAKER_01: Not necessarily about you, but their behavior tells you about them.
8:10
SPEAKER_01: So when someone disappears without explanation, they're telling you something about their communication skills.
8:17
SPEAKER_01: Yep, you heard that little ding.
8:19
SPEAKER_01: That's true.
8:20
SPEAKER_01: When someone sends mixed messages, they're telling you something about their emotional availability.
8:28
SPEAKER_01: When someone is inconsistent, they're telling you something about the reliability.
8:33
SPEAKER_01: So guess what?
8:34
SPEAKER_01: Believe them.
8:36
SPEAKER_01: All right, takeaway number two.
8:38
SPEAKER_01: Not every unanswered text requires a deep analysis.
8:45
unknown: I know.
8:46
SPEAKER_01: I still do that today, even with my kids.
8:49
SPEAKER_01: Like, what did he mean by that?
8:51
SPEAKER_01: Are they mad at me?
8:55
SPEAKER_01: Come on, I know you all do that too.
8:57
SPEAKER_01: So, but unanswered text don't require a deep analysis.
9:03
SPEAKER_01: So don't go there, don't go down that rabbit hole.
9:06
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes people just reveal who they are through their text messages.
9:10
SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
9:11
SPEAKER_01: That's valuable information.
9:13
SPEAKER_01: Use it, save it in your memory bank.
9:17
SPEAKER_01: So I want to part of this takeaway number two is this I want you to think uh with your grown woman's brain, not your brain when you were in your 20s, 30s, and 40s, your brain today.
9:30
SPEAKER_01: Because here's where I think women completely underestimate themselves.
9:35
SPEAKER_01: Because while dating may feel harder today, we already decided that it did, I actually think you're better equipped than you were 30 years ago.
9:43
SPEAKER_01: Think about it.
9:44
SPEAKER_01: When you were younger, how many red flags did you ignore?
9:48
SPEAKER_01: How many times did you think, oh, he'll change?
9:52
SPEAKER_01: Or maybe he has potential if I'm squinting.
9:56
SPEAKER_01: It's not that big of a deal.
9:59
SPEAKER_01: I know I did when we're younger, we often fall in love with possibility.
10:04
SPEAKER_01: And today, most women see things differently.
10:07
SPEAKER_01: You notice patterns, you notice effort, you notice consistency, you notice how someone treats people, you and also you notice um whether words or actions match, right?
10:20
SPEAKER_01: You notice how they talk about former relationships.
10:24
SPEAKER_01: That's really important.
10:25
SPEAKER_01: We're gonna be talking about that one later.
10:26
SPEAKER_01: And you also notice whether they're really emotionally mature.
10:31
SPEAKER_01: Isn't it funny that somebody can be like 65 and still be emotionally immature?
10:37
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
10:38
SPEAKER_01: You know, it's not about cynicism, it's about wisdom.
10:42
SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
10:43
SPEAKER_01: You've lived through life to recognize these things a lot faster than we did 30 years ago.
10:48
SPEAKER_01: All right, so here's another takeaway for you: another golden nugget.
10:53
SPEAKER_01: So dating may be harder today, but if you're actually smarter at it than you were 30 years ago, there's a huge huge advantage in that.
11:01
SPEAKER_01: So think about it.
11:02
SPEAKER_01: Peace is the new excitement.
11:05
SPEAKER_01: Yes, and this does apply to dating.
11:08
SPEAKER_01: I think there's another reason dating feels so different.
11:11
SPEAKER_01: Many women tell me dating doesn't feel as exciting as it did when they were younger.
11:16
SPEAKER_01: And well, that may be true in some situations, but you know what?
11:20
SPEAKER_01: Maybe that's not a bad thing because when we're younger, we're building a life, right?
11:24
SPEAKER_01: Everything felt open, everything felt possible, and today many of us have lived through divorce or death, loss, disappointment, heartbreak, you know, grief.
11:36
SPEAKER_01: We've raised children, we've built careers, we've cared for aging parents.
11:41
SPEAKER_01: You know what, we've lived, and because of that, we move differently today.
11:46
SPEAKER_01: We're not looking for someone to add something to something that we've already built.
11:53
SPEAKER_01: We are looking for peace, right?
11:55
SPEAKER_01: We're looking for consistency, and that is very different.
12:01
SPEAKER_01: It is, it's very different today than it was 30 years ago.
12:05
SPEAKER_01: So here's another golden nugget I'm gonna throw at you.
12:08
SPEAKER_01: The goal isn't to recreate how dating failed at 25, all right?
12:12
SPEAKER_01: Let's just let's just put it out there, sit with that.
12:15
SPEAKER_01: It's not like we want that same feeling at 25.
12:18
SPEAKER_01: You're gonna get those, you know, bumps and wonderful, wonderful feelings, but it's not the same as it was 25, 30 years ago.
12:26
SPEAKER_01: The goal is to create something that fits who you are today.
12:30
SPEAKER_01: So you know how I love a good interactive exercise.
12:34
SPEAKER_01: I love homework assignments.
12:37
SPEAKER_01: So this week I want you to ask yourself, hmm, what do I miss most about dating from years ago?
12:46
SPEAKER_01: Well, let's think about that.
12:49
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
12:50
SPEAKER_01: There's you know, I think dating today is more exciting for me, but I'm married now, so I'm very happily married, so I don't think about it anymore.
12:59
SPEAKER_01: But when I was, I I'm not sure I missed anything.
13:04
SPEAKER_01: Maybe it was just hanging out with the friends, you know, you go out with a group of friends or something.
13:07
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
13:08
SPEAKER_01: Was it the simplicity that you had from years ago?
13:11
SPEAKER_01: So was it a slower communication, less pressure?
13:15
SPEAKER_01: Maybe sometimes now I find that, especially some of my friends have told me that because of our age, they feel like you know the runway is a little shorter.
13:22
SPEAKER_01: So I feel like I've got to move faster.
13:25
SPEAKER_01: Is that how you're feeling today?
13:27
SPEAKER_01: And what is accountability today?
13:29
SPEAKER_01: You know, what is actually getting to know someone face to face?
13:33
SPEAKER_01: So I want you to write these things down.
13:36
SPEAKER_01: So again, for exercise number one, ask yourself, what do I miss about dating from years ago?
13:42
SPEAKER_01: What is it?
13:43
SPEAKER_01: Whatever it may be.
13:46
SPEAKER_01: And then remember, was it actually getting to know someone face to face?
13:50
SPEAKER_01: Write all these things down.
13:52
SPEAKER_01: All right, the second exercise I'd like you to do a homework assignment, is now I want you to ask yourself this.
13:59
SPEAKER_01: So, what advantages do I have today that I didn't have then?
14:03
SPEAKER_01: I like this one.
14:05
SPEAKER_01: Well, I know that most of you out there are definitely going to say, Well, I have more confidence today than I did 30 years ago.
14:14
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, more confidence.
14:15
SPEAKER_01: Think about that.
14:16
SPEAKER_01: Think about the importance of that in a relationship.
14:18
SPEAKER_01: Um, maybe you have better boundaries.
14:21
SPEAKER_01: I know I did when I started dating.
14:24
SPEAKER_01: You have better boundaries.
14:26
SPEAKER_01: There are certain things that are non-negotiable that you will not tolerate anymore, right?
14:32
SPEAKER_01: So that's a superpower that you now have.
14:35
SPEAKER_01: How about um greater wisdom?
14:38
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, that also is your superpower.
14:42
SPEAKER_01: And you know what else?
14:43
SPEAKER_01: It's a stronger sense of who you are, of your own self.
14:48
SPEAKER_01: Think about that.
14:50
SPEAKER_01: Who are you today?
14:51
SPEAKER_01: You are a better person today than you were 25, 30 years ago, right?
14:56
SPEAKER_01: So write those things down too.
14:58
SPEAKER_01: Because I promise you, there are more than you actually think.
15:02
SPEAKER_01: So those are your superpowers.
15:04
SPEAKER_01: Now, the next exercise, and these all make sense when you start putting them down, okay?
15:09
SPEAKER_01: These are all to get you into the right mindset and to find the right person or no person at all.
15:15
SPEAKER_01: So here's another one.
15:16
SPEAKER_01: And this is here's one of my favorite questions.
15:19
SPEAKER_01: If you could combine the best parts of dating 30 years ago and the best parts of dating today, what would it be like?
15:26
SPEAKER_01: I love that one.
15:28
SPEAKER_01: I love that one.
15:29
SPEAKER_01: And you know, also not only what would you combine, but what would it look like?
15:34
SPEAKER_01: Would you want more phone calls?
15:36
SPEAKER_01: Do you want more honesty?
15:39
SPEAKER_01: Uh less texting?
15:41
SPEAKER_01: Yes, thank you.
15:42
SPEAKER_01: More shared interests, absolutely.
15:45
SPEAKER_01: How about uh more intentionality?
15:49
SPEAKER_01: So, right now, create your own vision version of this because here's the beautiful thing.
15:55
SPEAKER_01: You don't have to date exactly like everybody else.
15:59
SPEAKER_01: Yep.
15:59
SPEAKER_01: You don't have to date like everybody else.
16:04
SPEAKER_01: Remember that one.
16:05
SPEAKER_01: You get to decide how you want to date.
16:09
SPEAKER_01: So before we finish today, I want to speak directly to the to the women who feel discouraged, to the women out there who feel exhausted, the woman who wonders if dating has simply become too complicated.
16:27
SPEAKER_01: And I want you to remember something.
16:29
SPEAKER_01: Dating does feel different today because guess what?
16:32
SPEAKER_01: The landscape changed.
16:34
SPEAKER_01: Not because you've lost your ability to connect, that's not it.
16:38
SPEAKER_01: Not because you've missed your chance, that's not it either.
16:43
SPEAKER_01: Not because you've somehow felt less desirable than you were years ago.
16:48
SPEAKER_01: No, no, that is not true either.
16:51
SPEAKER_01: You know what has changed?
16:52
SPEAKER_01: Technology has changed.
16:54
SPEAKER_01: The culture has changed, the rules have changed.
16:59
SPEAKER_01: But us, we're still looking for the same things we've always been looking for, right?
17:03
SPEAKER_01: It's connection, it's trust, it's companionship, it's being understood, it's actually, you know, being seen and loved.
17:14
SPEAKER_01: That hasn't changed at all.
17:16
SPEAKER_01: Doesn't matter how many years are between when you last dated and today.
17:21
SPEAKER_01: And maybe that's the biggest takeaway from today, you know?
17:24
SPEAKER_01: I always like those golden nuggets that I throw at you, but maybe that's the biggest takeaway.
17:28
SPEAKER_01: So underneath all those uh dating applications, the texting, the ghosting, the profiles, the algorithms, and all of that other confusing stuff, guess what?
17:40
SPEAKER_01: People are still people.
17:43
SPEAKER_01: And the things that matter most haven't changed nearly as much as we think.
17:50
SPEAKER_01: Alright, so if this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who's, you know, navigating this chapter too.
17:58
SPEAKER_01: And if you'd like more support, resources, and practical tools for navigating these dating confidence relationships and other life after 50, please visit me at kimnick.com.
18:10
SPEAKER_01: And next week we're gonna dive into a topic that almost nobody talks about openly.
18:16
SPEAKER_01: Do I tell my kids I'm dating?
18:19
SPEAKER_01: When's the right time to bring it up?
18:21
SPEAKER_01: How much do you really share?
18:23
SPEAKER_01: Do they get a vote?
18:24
SPEAKER_01: And then what happens when they don't like the person you're seeing?
18:28
SPEAKER_01: Yep, we're going there.
18:29
SPEAKER_01: Just like all the other topics that have been taboo in the past, we are going there.
18:35
SPEAKER_01: So until then, I want you to remember this.
18:38
SPEAKER_01: Dating may be different than it was 30 years ago, but so are you, and you're better today for it.
18:44
SPEAKER_01: And that might be your greatest advantage of all.
18:47
SPEAKER_01: So, until next week, have a beautiful week.