Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 298. Outgrowing old dynamics, craving aligned ones: How do you make new best friends at 32?

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298. Outgrowing old dynamics, craving aligned ones: How do you make new best friends at 32? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I need your advice.
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: Are you okay? What happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much?
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: Bring it in.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Welcome to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, wherever you're listening to
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: She Rises. We're back in your ear for another Bestie submission.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: These are completely anonymous. We have no idea who's written
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: these in. What have we got today, Tiana?
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: All right, let's go. Today's episode is Outgrowing Old Dynamics,
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Craving Aligned Ones. How do you make new best friends
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: at 32? Love the potty. I listen religiously on the
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: one day a week that I get to work. Mum life,
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: if you know, you know. I have a bit of
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: a different one for you, especially after listening to your
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: recent episode about feeling isolated and lonely in motherhood. My
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: situation feels similar, but also a little different. Since early
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: high school, I've always had a big group of friends.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Different groups and dynamics, but many of them are still
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: very close to this day, which I feel incredibly grateful for.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: I've never been super naturally confident, but I'll describe myself
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: as calm, accepting, and easygoing, and I think people have
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: always found me easy to get along with. Because of that,
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: I've been really lucky to have a lot of amazing
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: friendships throughout my life. I'm now 32, a mum to
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: a spicy three-year-old daughter, and married to the most incredible man.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: When I finished high school at 18, like many people,
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: I got stuck into partying, drinking, and recreational drugs. And honestly,
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: I had the time of my life during that chapter.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: Love it. I also left an abusive eight-year relationship at 23,
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: met my now husband five months later, and through all
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: of those life changes, I've had amazing friends I could
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: lean on. But here's where I'm struggling. After unexpectedly falling
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: pregnant four years ago, I naturally matured, grew, and reinvented myself.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: I became really passionate about my health, my family's health,
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: and started my low-tox lifestyle journey. Became a health coach
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: and later started a natural skincare business. I feel I've
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: changed quite a lot. A certain group of my best
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: friends still party quite often. They drink most weekends and
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: occasionally do drugs. There's absolutely no judgment from me, and
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: we've had some of the best memories together doing those things,
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: but I just don't enjoy it anymore. The tricky part
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: is that when I'm with them, I find myself almost
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: reverting back to who I was. Not because they pressure
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: me to do anything, but because I put that expectation
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: on myself. It's like I feel I need to fit
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: in because that's how we've always had fun together. But
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: the truth is, I don't want to do those things anymore.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: I value my health so much, and I train hard,
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: I'm busy with my daughter, I run a business, my
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: husband works away in the mines every second week, and
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: when he's home, all I want to do is soak
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: up as much family time as possible. I want to
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: feel good, have energy, and really just make the most
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: of my life. I simply don't have the desire to
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: spend my weekends feeling average after drinking or partying. And
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: you know what? Yet, after all of this, I still
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: feel really lonely. I'm super extroverted and genuinely love spending
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: time with my people, but after catching up with certain
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: high school friends, I often leave feeling flat. I don't
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: get that same quote-unquote light-up feeling that I used to.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: And the strange thing is, I have had probably 15
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: to 20 close friendships with people who have been in
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: my life for years. I'm so grateful for them. but
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: I don't feel like I have those two or three
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: really close, like-minded best friends anymore. The people you can
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: message every day, share everything with and feel completely aligned with.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: And I think that is what I'm craving. I live
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: in Melbourne and I've also always had this huge itch
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: to experience somewhere warmer. My husband and I talk about
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: it regularly, but he's Italian and has made it pretty
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: clear that he wouldn't want to leave his family, which
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: I completely understand and respect. But I definitely have that
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: part of me that dreams about living somewhere else, especially
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: in the winter when the seasonal depression is real. Nothing
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: is necessarily wrong. I still love these people deeply and
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: I'll always treasure the history and the memories we share.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: But I just can't shake the feeling that I've outgrown
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: certain relationships and I'm craving deeper, more aligned connections. And
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: you know what? Then I feel guilty for even saying
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: that because objectively, I have so many wonderful people in
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: my life and I have a beautiful life in general.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: What would you do if you were me? I'd love
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: any advice because I know what deep connection feels like
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: and I really, really miss it. I hope I've given
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: enough context. Thanks, ladies.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: This is the hardest thing about growth, isn't it? Because
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: you do leave people behind and you do lose your
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: old life and create a new one. And I think
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: it's a natural progression when you do grow and it
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: doesn't mean you don't love them, but the alignment's not
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: there anymore. I've experienced the same thing. I had to
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: move away from my small town and most people are
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: still there. I was like the black sheep and the
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: outcast and I felt like I lost my whole high
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: school group of girlfriends. And I still talk to them,
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: but were we aligned? Definitely not. Like even now we
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: live completely separate lives. They make jokes about it. Like, oh,
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: Ashley's world over there. I'm like, yeah, it's different.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: You're like, I've changed.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: But I don't think anything's wrong with how I do
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: things or how they do things, but it's just different.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: And I felt the same. I felt like my vibration,
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: my frequency was just lower after I'd hang out with them. Yeah.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: And I think it's really important, this transition in life
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: that you're in, to find like-minded people and to not
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: shrink yourself and go back to trying to pretend to
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: be who you used to be because it's not going
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: to feel good. It's just going to drain your energy.
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: But I think the season you're into of the transition
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: is the hardest. You're not who you used to be.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: You're discovering who you're going to be and who you
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: want to be and moving towards that direction. Yeah. And
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: you're wanting to do it alongside other people. We're not
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: meant to do life alone.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: No.
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: So it can feel quite isolating. So I just want
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: to validate you in where you're at. Absolutely.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah. It's just a part of the territory of growth
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: is that we, and I know I say we as
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: in like myself, I in the past have really held
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: on to certain places, people or environments because I was
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: so scared of letting go because I didn't know what
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: was on the other side. Mm-hmm. And I think sometimes
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: that fear can stop you from taking the leap.
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: You know, because you're like, well, what if I don't
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: have anybody on the other side? What if I do
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: let go of these, even though it feels really great
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: and like nothing is wrong, like what you said in
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: your own words, nothing is wrong. But you're just like, oh,
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: I know that I've outgrown or just no longer want
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: to be doing these things. And as somebody who used
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: to party as well, I had a similar experience to
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: what you just shared around fell into drinking and partying
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: and had those like party friends where I had that
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: experience too, but there comes a point where you just,
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: you don't want to live your life like that anymore.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: And when you're looking for more depth and more substance
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: and more connection and something that is more real, not
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: just built on, you know, alcohol and like, what's it called?
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Like liquid confidence, you know, liquid confidence relationships. Like, you know,
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: with those people, most of the time, they're not the
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: person that you can call at two o'clock in the
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: morning when you're really having a hard time. because they're
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: usually just your party friends. And it doesn't take away
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: from the time that you've had or the experiences that
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: you've had, but it just means that you're ready for
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: a new season and a new chapter in your life.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: And I think there's nothing wrong with that. I think
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: in terms of like making new friends, you really have
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: to get yourself out there. I will die on this
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: hill because you will not find new people sitting in
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: your home.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: Or being in the same environment.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: Or being in the same environment. You have to go
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: to new places and you don't have to even curate going, oh,
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: people are going to be here and I want to
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: go there. Do things that you love to do and
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: then go to those places. Like say, for example, if
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: you love yoga, go to a yoga studio and then
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: meet people there. If you like going to breathwork on
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: the beach, go to breathwork on the beach and then
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: meet people there because that's where you're actually going to
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: meet aligned people. You don't need to be like, oh,
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: I need to go to this conference because that's where
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: I'll meet good people. If you don't even like that thing,
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: just put yourself out there, live your life a little
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: bit more, be open to new experiences and And be
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: willing to have conversations that you normally wouldn't have. And
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: you'll be so surprised at what kind of conversations that
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: you end up having.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: Absolutely. And it's so great. You've got a really beautiful husband.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: It's also cool that, you know, you've felt the value
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: of sisterhood as well. Because I think a lot of women,
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: we've had other people write in too that's like, you know,
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: because they've got the husband, that's all they think they need.
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: But then they still feel lonely.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: Because we thrive in sisterhood. It's where we feel safe,
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: where we can unload and talk. And like I said,
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: have those friends you can message every single day. It's
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: so fun. It's so nice to have those people. So
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: I love that you're wanting that because I too, I
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: really value friendship. But yeah, you've got to put yourself
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: out there. Even like finding other mums that are in
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: the same season of life. I think having that common
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: ground is really nice as well. So maybe joining some
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: mums groups or gyms, wherever, like you said, wherever you
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: like to do things. I think that's where you're going
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: to meet your people. And also if you meet them
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: and it doesn't feel good, don't give up. It's like dating.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: It's so true.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: Date around until you find the person. Same with therapists.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: Like you might go to three different therapy sessions and
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: you don't enjoy any of them. And you meet a coach,
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: you're like, oh my gosh, she gets me. And you
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: lock in with her or him or whatever.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: So it's going to give us some time, but I just, yeah,
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: I want to validate you on the uncomfortable in between. Yeah.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: Not fun. I think sometimes as well when it comes
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: to friendships, and I know I've had this mindset, is
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: I want somebody else to do it first. I want
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: somebody else to like initiate it with me, put the
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: effort in with me, ask me to do something. Like
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: I've definitely been in that season where I haven't wanted
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: to be the one who has to be vulnerable and
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: try and go first. Yeah. But like I will say
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: to you in the very beginning, it is quite uncomfortable.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: There's going to be just like a little season where
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: you're like, oh, this feels like effort out. Because it
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: is effort out.
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: It's energy out. It is.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: You have to try and like put yourself out there.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: And I probably have said this before, maybe many times,
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: I'm not sure. But something that I did years and
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: years ago was literally say to myself, like I was
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: going to make a pact with myself because I'd been
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: burnt like in a friendship. After you've been burnt in
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: a friendship, I feel like you kind of just.
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: Like Close up.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: You kind of close up for a little bit and
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: you just like go into like home alone, isolate a
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: little bit. And then after that, I was like, you
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: know what? Like, I don't want to keep doing this.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: I don't want to let an experience that felt really
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: hard to like make me close up and not experience
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: life anymore. Like I know how good it feels to
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: be in deep connection and I love that and value
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: that so much.
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: So I was like, you know what? Fuck it. And
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: then I made a pact with myself that I was
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: going to say hello to every single person that I
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: came across. I mean, having a conversation with the butcher,
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: having a conversation with the person at the service station,
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: saying hello to somebody randomly on the walk track, instead
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: of just like looking away as people look at you,
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: it's like, smile.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: Hey, good morning.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: How are you? I hope you're having a good day.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: Like just being open. And again, it does take effort,
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: but it will be worth it in the end.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: It's rejection therapy at the end of the day.
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: It is, isn't it? Yeah. So cool. We have said
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: this before as well, but all the girls that came
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: to our Byron retreat, so many of them were so
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: nervous to meet other women and had trust issues and
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: been burnt by friends. And within a couple of hours, like, wow,
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: we're so like-minded. It's like we've known each other forever
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: because when you come to a retreat like that and
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: you're all wanting the same thing, you're in similar vibrations.
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: It's just like the connection is so real. So come
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: to a She Rises retreat or is there retreats in
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: your local area or like day courses or just like
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: environments where you get to meet people that are where
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: you're at, wanting the same things you're wanting because your
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: old high school friends are obviously just not quite there yet.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: So cool you don't judge them because maybe if you
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: didn't have your bub, maybe you'd still be in that
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: too for a little bit longer. Everyone in their own timeline,
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: on their own journey, and there's no judgment for that
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: because everyone's just so different. And when you do have babies,
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: it does make you grow up a lot faster and
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: you've got responsibility to keep this little thing alive. So
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: other things that used to be important to you are
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: not important anymore. Yeah. And it's so valid and real. But, yeah,
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: I think you've got to put yourself out there more
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: for sure.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: And, again, it doesn't mean that you have to pull
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: away from these people entirely.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: No.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: You know, Ashley always says, like, different friends for different reasons.
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: You know, and it's like sometimes you know, okay, this
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: friendship is going to be super deep.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: And this is where, like, I go to for this
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: certain thing. Yeah. And this one is like this is
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: where we go for fun and we just have walks
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: or we talk about business or life or motherhood or
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: whatever it is. So it's like you can have both.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: Definitely. You can still love someone and enjoy their company
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: without being totally enmeshed or judging them for their choices.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: I think that's cool to learn because I used to think,
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: I remember going through a phase where I'm like, oh,
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: if I drink or do drugs, like, oh, we're just
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: not aligned, can't be friends. And then I don't know
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: who said it to me. I think it was Levi.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: He was like, I've changed my perspective on that. He's like,
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: I can still love someone, enjoy their company, enjoy the conversation. Yeah,
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: I might not go hang out with them all the
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: time and choose to do the things that they do,
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: but I can still have a nice friendship. It just
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: might not be as enmeshed and close as what someone
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: that is super aligned with feels like. Yeah. But got
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: to put yourself out there. We did. It's true. Hey,
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: like you're active wear. How you doing?
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: You want to hang out?
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: Let's train together and then spend every waking moment together.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: So nice.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: Anyway, I hope this has been helpful. Good luck with it.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: Put yourself out there and give yourself like a little
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: mini challenge to just say hello to one new person
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: a day or, you know, if you think that somebody's cool,
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: send them a message on Instagram. Like, hey, let's go
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: get a coffee. I don't know. Like, just put yourself
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: out there.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: You'll be so surprised at what you get back when
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: you're open to receiving.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: I agree.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: All right, my loves.
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: Bye. See you later.