Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 183. Family First, Me Last? "Is It Wrong to Want to Pursue My Dreams too?”

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183. Family First, Me Last? "Is It Wrong to Want to Pursue My Dreams too?” · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Appogie production.
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  Speaker 2: I need your advice.
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  Speaker 1: Are you okay what happened?
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  Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much.
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  Speaker 1: Bring it in.
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  Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment, My girl, this is the
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  Speaker 2: place for you. Welcome back to our bestI Advice segment.
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  Speaker 2: This is where we give all of the best the
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  Speaker 2: advice for all of your dilemmas, challenges, life questions and
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  Speaker 2: anything that you feel like you're doing alone and don't
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  Speaker 2: have anywhere to go. So this one is a big
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  Speaker 2: one about dreams and the pursuit of them.
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  Speaker 1: So Ashley, I have been married to my best friend
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  Speaker 1: and wonderful husband for nearly twenty two years. We have
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  Speaker 1: four beautiful children together who are all now teenagers. Our
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  Speaker 1: eldest son, nineteen, has recently accepted a place in the
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  Speaker 1: USA College and moved to study there in twenty twenty four.
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  Speaker 1: We are very close to him and he is struggling
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  Speaker 1: with being very homesick. Our original plan was to move
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  Speaker 1: with him and rent our house out here as that
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  Speaker 1: would be cheaper. Also, we are currently paying our house
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  Speaker 1: and his rent expenses too. He's a waiting attempt social
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  Speaker 1: Security numbers so who's able to work in the future,
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  Speaker 1: but has always been a dream of mind to go
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  Speaker 1: to experience the US travel and have new experiences with
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  Speaker 1: our children while being there for our son. We are
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  Speaker 1: so rooted to our routines as well, so any break
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  Speaker 1: from that would be amazing. We have a plan in place,
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  Speaker 1: so everything else was covered and sorted, and now he
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  Speaker 1: doesn't want to go, and we'll use any excuse not
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  Speaker 1: to go. I'm heartbroken. I don't think I will ever
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  Speaker 1: get over, not going only for our son and family,
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  Speaker 1: but for my own personal growth. Any thoughts on this please,
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  Speaker 1: or that the inner sagittarium is like let me free,
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  Speaker 1: like run, not to break up, but like just that
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  Speaker 1: sense of being restricted from doing something I want to do,
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  Speaker 1: Like this has always been something she wants to do,
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  Speaker 1: and now he husband's like, I don't.
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  Speaker 2: Want to go.
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  Speaker 1: Wait.
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  Speaker 2: So it's her husband who doesn't want to go, not
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  Speaker 2: her son.
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  Speaker 1: Son's over there, so he's waiting for the family to
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  Speaker 1: move over. Oh I'm a husband that's saying I can't
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  Speaker 1: want to go anymore.
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  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, because in my head, for some reason,
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  Speaker 2: I read that the son doesn't want to go in.
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  Speaker 1: He's already there's twenty twenty four. Yes, yes, so he's
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  Speaker 1: waiting for them to come over because he's homesick. They
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  Speaker 1: planned to go over, and now the husband's saying, no,
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to go anymore.
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  Speaker 2: Oh my god, I don't know what I would do. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: that's a tough one. It's really tough for sagittarian in years.
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  Speaker 1: Like, I think I'd be pushing for what I want
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  Speaker 1: and just looking at all other options. I'm not saying
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  Speaker 1: to do this, but do you go over for three
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  Speaker 1: months to be with your son for a bit while
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  Speaker 1: your husbands stays here with the other kids, or do
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  Speaker 1: you compromise with your husband's saying, hey, we won't go
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  Speaker 1: over for twelve months, but will you do three months
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  Speaker 1: with me? Oh?
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  Speaker 2: I like that.
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  Speaker 1: I would just be exploring all the options that suits
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  Speaker 1: both of us because it's not about like one person
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  Speaker 1: winning and getting what they want. But I also just
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  Speaker 1: the thought of any resentment. Yeah, it's just not for me.
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  Speaker 2: I'd be getting curious on why what suddenly changed for him?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, well they're so deep rooted in their routines. The
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  Speaker 1: husband's settled like comfort, comfort, just like maybe just likes
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  Speaker 1: his life here. Yeah, it is a big move to
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  Speaker 1: move to America. Definitely pack up everything.
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  Speaker 2: Definitely, but it's also an adventure.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, personality, Yeah, that's true.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know, maybe it's the Gemini who needs variety.
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  Speaker 2: But I think if this were me, i'd be selling
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  Speaker 2: the dream, you know what I mean. Like, I think,
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  Speaker 2: for me, when I look at the trip like that,
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  Speaker 2: I'm like, imagine what we'd learn, Imagine how we'd grow
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  Speaker 2: as a couple. Imagine the experiences and the memories we'd
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  Speaker 2: get to make with our son overseas. Like, to me,
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  Speaker 2: i'd be selling the dream, I reckon because that, to
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  Speaker 2: me sounds like such a cool trip, and it's just
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  Speaker 2: getting on the same page in that.
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  Speaker 1: It's not as a trip though, it's moving. So that
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  Speaker 1: was the plan to move over there. You can always
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  Speaker 1: move back, Yeah, that's my perspective.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe obviously, I know, logistically and financially and all that,
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  Speaker 2: there's so many things that come into play when you
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  Speaker 2: have a family and just in general when you're making
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  Speaker 2: a decision like that. But I truly believe that you
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  Speaker 2: can always just come back.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree to.
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  Speaker 2: You know, if he doesn't like it, you might even
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  Speaker 2: go and not like it.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you could.
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  Speaker 2: There's a possibility that you could go after three months
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  Speaker 2: and be like, I am homesick. I want to go
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  Speaker 2: at the hell home. But you could also go over
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  Speaker 2: there and be like, oh my gosh, we're never leaving again.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. It is tough though, because like, different personalities value
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  Speaker 1: different things. I value variety so much more than what
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  Speaker 1: Steve does. Yeah, he's open to a bench and stuff,
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  Speaker 1: but if I said I wanted to move to America,
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  Speaker 1: he'd be like, absolutely not. Yeah, he hates America. He's
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  Speaker 1: not a fan of it. Yeah, like the politics and
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  Speaker 1: the rules and just the systems and even the traffic.
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  Speaker 1: It's not for him. ROAs I love it, Yeah, absolutely
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  Speaker 1: love it.
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  Speaker 2: But then as well, I wonder because they had agreed
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  Speaker 2: or ready to go, I think maybe that is like
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  Speaker 2: the emotional whiplash back. Yes, but you said we'd go.
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  Speaker 2: Now we're not going, And now there needs.
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  Speaker 1: To be a compromise. Yeah, it's like, okay, you don't
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  Speaker 1: want to move over there, cool, but we need to
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  Speaker 1: compromise on something like can I go or can we
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  Speaker 1: go just for three months and test it and se
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  Speaker 1: if you like it, if you hate it, will come back.
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  Speaker 1: But there needs to be a compromise. It shouldn't just
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  Speaker 1: be one misses out or one has to just fall
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  Speaker 1: in and do whatever the other person wants. Yes, that's marriage,
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  Speaker 1: that's relationships. It is compromise, and it's talking about finding
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  Speaker 1: a solution that works for both meeting in the middle.
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  Speaker 1: In the middle, Yeah, but I understand your frustration.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, And of course, because then it's like does he
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  Speaker 2: go and then make you happy or do you stay
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  Speaker 2: to make him happy? But then, like what you said,
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  Speaker 2: that's why we're resentment.
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  Speaker 1: But we're always talking about like preventing breakdowns. Yeah, and
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  Speaker 1: anytime there's actually an opportunity for resentment, like I'll bring
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  Speaker 1: it into Steve. Yeah, I'm like if I don't do this,
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  Speaker 1: this is what will happen later, this is how I feel.
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  Speaker 1: Or if I stop you from doing this, I would
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  Speaker 1: hate for you to ever come back and then be like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: you didn't let me do that. I'm not having that.
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  Speaker 1: No way live your life.
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  Speaker 2: Freedom in a relationship, yes, yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Freedom in a relationship, like don't I don't believe in
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  Speaker 1: caging someone in or telling what they can and can't do,
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  Speaker 1: because if it's important to them, I think there's always
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  Speaker 1: a way to make things work. Yeah, I don't have
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  Speaker 1: any limiting beliefs on that.
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  Speaker 2: And I'd just be getting curious, like just just from
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  Speaker 2: a pure place of curiosity with your partner, exploring what
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  Speaker 2: changed in him. So obviously he was all for it
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  Speaker 2: in the beginning.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, is it fear? Is it money? Is it money?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah? Is it stress?
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  Speaker 1: Is it work? Maybe it's like work isn't allowing him
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  Speaker 1: to or he doesn't come back to a job, or
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  Speaker 1: he loses his everything he's built up from his business.
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely, Or is it like uncertainty for him? Is it
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  Speaker 2: actually just like, oh, these move feels super uncertain and
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  Speaker 2: it feels destabilizing. Get to the root cause of the
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  Speaker 2: change of decision, because he obviously had a change of
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  Speaker 2: heart and that's totally okay, But there's obviously a part
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  Speaker 2: of him that want it. Otherwise you wouldn't have agreed
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  Speaker 2: to it in the first place.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, And that would help come to understanding too, because
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  Speaker 1: say it was a lack of stability as a provider man,
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  Speaker 1: that's pretty valid just to make sure he can take
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  Speaker 1: care of his family financially, emotionally, physically. So maybe if
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  Speaker 1: that's really uncertain for him, he's like, no, my main
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  Speaker 1: priority is to protect my family if we make this
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  Speaker 1: move and I'm not confident I can earn enough money
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  Speaker 1: to keep us there, I'm not going to put us
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  Speaker 1: at risk.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, so.
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  Speaker 1: You're right, there's more explorations had.
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  Speaker 2: When I think of that, and I think of the
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  Speaker 2: clarity that would come from that, you'll either learn Okay, well,
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  Speaker 2: if it is about money, cool, let's create a plan
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  Speaker 2: where we can save and then you can have a
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  Speaker 2: goal to set and to work towards. Or if it's
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  Speaker 2: genuinely that he doesn't value that, you will learn more
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  Speaker 2: about him, even though you've been together for a long time. No,
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  Speaker 2: you're going to learn more about him, and I think
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  Speaker 2: more clarity will only do you good rather than harm.
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  Speaker 1: So it's so good to have this conversation. Steve and
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  Speaker 1: I've been having so many conversations lately of like what
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  Speaker 1: we value and what we both want in the relationship
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  Speaker 1: and building our vision and just making sure that it's
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  Speaker 1: still the same thing. But it might not be. You
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  Speaker 1: guys might want completely different things. So it's so important
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  Speaker 1: to have those hard conversations and really truly reflect. And
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  Speaker 1: I'm so glad Steve and I in this phase at
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  Speaker 1: the moment to really get clarity because it's been game
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  Speaker 1: changer for us.
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  Speaker 2: It's something that you guys do really well. Just from
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  Speaker 2: how I've known you over the time that I've known
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  Speaker 2: you both is you're both willing to continuously meet each other,
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  Speaker 2: but like always checking in. There's never this energy between
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  Speaker 2: you guys where it's like, oh, no, I know that
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  Speaker 2: person through and I know everything there is to know
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  Speaker 2: about that person. It's like no, like, actually, there's a
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  Speaker 2: new phase here. We need to reintroduce, we need to relearn,
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  Speaker 2: we need to learn what this person likes at this
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  Speaker 2: stage of life. And I just think it's really cool.
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  Speaker 1: To watch and that sounds amazing and it is. But
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  Speaker 1: before you get to that point, there's this phase and
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  Speaker 1: stage where it's really fucking uncomfortable because if things come
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  Speaker 1: up that it's like, oh, well, I don't know if
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  Speaker 1: I want this, and we've had this lately, I don't
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  Speaker 1: know if I want exactly that. And I'm like, well,
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  Speaker 1: that's really important to me. How do we do this now?
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  Speaker 1: And it's taken us a couple of weeks to have
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  Speaker 1: these really big conversations and then my message is on
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  Speaker 1: Monday morning was like one of my beautiful wife, happy
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  Speaker 1: day one of ournu marriage. Oh, and it was like, Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: this feels like a whole new marriage for us. That's cool.
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  Speaker 1: That's like we reflect back on where we were a
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  Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago, on the conversations we were having,
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  Speaker 1: and it's like, oh, we've got such clarity now, now
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  Speaker 1: feel way more deeply connected. We're on the same page
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  Speaker 1: and it feels and exciting and it feels like the
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  Speaker 1: honeymoon stage again. Yeah, that's Michael getting to know this
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  Speaker 1: new man and what he's wanting, what he's doing, and
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  Speaker 1: the things he's changing, and that inspires me. And then
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  Speaker 1: I feel lit up and it's cool. You guys get
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  Speaker 1: to have that. Yeah, but there is that little limbo
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  Speaker 1: stage where you just figure it out and you're having
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  Speaker 1: some really.
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  Speaker 2: Hard conversations, like a wobble fade.
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  Speaker 1: It is, you feel fucking wobble. I felt so webbly. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: but it's cool to get to the other side and
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  Speaker 1: just get clarity because yeah, things have changed in what
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  Speaker 1: he wants and what you want. Now it's time to
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  Speaker 1: talk about them all.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, don't settle either, and I don't mean in
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  Speaker 2: your relationship, but don't settle on the things that you
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  Speaker 2: want because like, you only really get one chance, you know,
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  Speaker 2: you have one life. Yes, it is so true, you
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  Speaker 2: only really have one chance. And how beautiful to know
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  Speaker 2: that you've got a partner who wants to explore things
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  Speaker 2: with you and wants to go on this journey with
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  Speaker 2: you and to create as many memories as you probably
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  Speaker 2: can imagine the growth that you guys would be able
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  Speaker 2: to have.
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  Speaker 1: It's just yeah, getting him on.
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  Speaker 2: Board, getting getting to the root of it. Yeah, selling it,
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  Speaker 2: sell yourself.
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  Speaker 1: Gal, Oh, give us an update. We'd love to know
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  Speaker 1: what you decide to do. If you're going to go
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  Speaker 1: three months, six months, are you going to go for
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: a bit test it all out. Yeah, we'd love to
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  Speaker 1: know what you guys.
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely and yeah, explore the options. What's going to feel
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  Speaker 2: good for you both?
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  Speaker 1: So there just have to explore them.
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  Speaker 2: There's no one way, Nope, meeting us.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Bye,