Latest / Resilience and Relationships (R&R) / Dear Sexual Assault Survivor - Resilience & Relationships (R&R) - Stephanie Olson and Rebecca Saunders

Transcript

Dear Sexual Assault Survivor - Resilience & Relationships (R&R) - Stephanie Olson and Rebecca Saunders · Resilience and Relationships (R&R)

• 0:17
  Stephanie Olson: Hello and welcome to resilience and relationships. I'm Stephanie Olson, and I'm here with Rebecca Saunders, yes, and we are going to talk about, well, I'll let you introduce this. Rebecca, I think that's a good idea. A special
• 0:33
  Unknown: episode where we want to speak to those of you who are listening, who may have survived a sexual assault of some kind.
• 0:39
  Stephanie Olson: Yes. And so the title of this episode is dear sexual assault survivor, and we just want to talk about some things that maybe you need to hear if you've been through that, some things that maybe you're feeling about yourself that are just kind of those, those, what a friend of mine calls those trash thoughts in our mind, those things that aren't helpful because they're not true about you. And so yeah, let's just start and have a conversation, and I will share that I come from a perspective of someone who is a survivor of sexual assault, and yeah, and so we are both here being able to say this to you as survivors of a very difficult thing. So how, how would you start Rebecca?
• 1:30
  Stephanie Olson: Because I think for me, it's what I wish someone would have told me, yeah, yeah, I share the
• 1:39
  Unknown: same sentiment. There are things that I know that I needed to hear, and I think the very first thing that we need to address is what happened to you is not your fault. Oh yes, that is the
• 1:50
  Stephanie Olson: biggest thing.
• 1:50
  Stephanie Olson: It's not your fault, and we believe you. I think that's a really important thing. I think for me, personally, I blamed myself for so many years that I actually didn't see it as what it was. I saw it as something, I did something that I brought upon myself, and I didn't even, I wouldn't even call it essay, because I thought it was all me.
• 2:23
  Stephanie Olson: So I love that
• 2:24
  Unknown: you said that one it's so important for us to remember too, that just because you consented to one thing or one time doesn't mean that you consented to the assault that happened to you absolutely.
• 2:38
  Stephanie Olson: And I will also add that it can come from anybody. Obviously, sa can happen from a total stranger, but it's important to recognize that it can happen from a romantic partner, a spouse, a friend, someone who is very a family member, somebody who is very close to you. And so I think that it is important to recognize that essay can come from literally anybody,
• 3:07
  Unknown: and it's okay to feel confused, because what happens sometimes, when you have been abused by someone who you have a lot of positive interactions with too it can really feel confusing. You might think, Oh, well, it was only one time, or it was only a few times, or they didn't really mean it. And your brain can start to tell you these things, because you're trying to make sense of how you can have positive interactions and a negative interaction with the same person.
• 3:33
  Stephanie Olson: I think that's a really important point. I have done some interviews on the podcast that not this podcast, podcast I had before, but is still a part of this podcast.
• 3:46
  Stephanie Olson: And we had one, I think I shared one on my personal essay in college life, and I also spoke to a survivor of essay from a therapist, and so I'll link those in this I'll link those in this information. But I think that is a such a good point, because it is confusion. It because it is confusing. It really can be. And I know
• 4:18
  Unknown: to some people, I'm close to where maybe you didn't feel comfortable telling anyone what happened. And so you can get into a situation too, where maybe people close to you are saying such positive things about the person who has abused you because they don't know what has happened. And so that can really mess with your mind.
• 4:36
  Stephanie Olson: You know that actually happened in my first marriage, which was very abusive, my ex was sharing with my parents and his parents and our friends that I was crazy was the word he used, and that I needed help and I wasn't right, and all of this stuff. Yes, and so when I finally disclosed this to my parents, it was shocking to them, because they thought I was the problem the entire time.
• 5:11
  Unknown: It's so hard. Yeah,
• 5:12
  Stephanie Olson: okay, so I think that's a good start, that it's not your fault, and we believe you. I think that's really important. I think that it's also important to not try and go through this alone. And you really just brought that up, that I think so often we tend to isolate and we don't want to share with anybody that this has happened. But it is important you don't have to tell the world by any means, but if you can find one trusted individual, whether that be a therapist or whether that be a friend or whomever, to tell your situation to, and I would add, tell until if, if You have someone who doesn't respect what you're saying and either doesn't believe you or isn't listening or belittles it in any way, go to the next person because you deserve to have someone listen to you and support you, and in no way. And I think so often we already said it's not your fault, but I think there can be some, what we call victim blaming in these situations, unfortunately, unfortunately. So why did you put yourself in that situation? What were you wearing? Why would you do that?
• 6:38
  Stephanie Olson: None of those things are true, and it doesn't matter what situation you were in, it doesn't matter what you were wearing, it doesn't matter who you were with, it doesn't matter how drunk you were, how it doesn't none of that matters you waited to tell too or how long you waited to tell. This is not your fault, and you deserved none of that to happen to you.
• 7:06
  Stephanie Olson: And I think that's a really, really important
• 7:09
  Unknown: thing to know. And if you're feeling like you know, maybe I want to reach out to someone, but I don't have a safe person in my life to do that.
• 7:15
  Unknown: Reach out to us, and we can point you in the direction of some services locally to
• 7:20
  Stephanie Olson: you, absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, I think one of the scariest things is to go through something like that alone. Now, in my situation, like I think I shared with earlier, for sure, in some other podcasts, but I blamed myself so much that I ultimately did not realize that that is what had happened to me. And so it wasn't until years later that I was doing this work, that I was training with a trauma therapist, and she said something, and I thought, My gosh, that's what happened to me. So it is not unusual to not self identify to those types of things where you look at it and you say, well, that's not my situation, or that didn't happen to me, until you really look at it and say, oh gosh, when I stop blaming myself, that is what happened to me, absolutely.
• 8:15
  Unknown: And something I think is helpful to remind yourself of too, is, you know, sometimes there, there is that victim blaming that can happen from other people, but I think sometimes we do that to ourselves too. I think most definitely, I didn't cope with that well. Or that's something that I struggled with, with me for a while, is I don't feel like I responded the way that I should have, and what's helped me is just to say I did the best I could at that time, right? And that's it. That's the end. We can't go back and change it. I did the best I could at that time.
• 8:44
  Stephanie Olson: Yeah, my common saying was, well, I put myself in that situation. I was drunk, and so that's why it happened.
• 8:52
  Stephanie Olson: And I think you're absolutely right that we cannot take that responsibility on ourselves and and I just want to add because sometimes people struggle with victim blaming or circumstances.
• 9:05
  Stephanie Olson: I had one young man who was just really struggling Well, if you put yourself in that situation, that's your fault, right? No, it is. And this is how I want you to think about it, that no matter what you are doing, it is always the fault of the other person who perpetrates abuse.
• 9:23
  Stephanie Olson: That's their fault, and that's where it ends. And I think that's that's an important thing to acknowledge. You know? I think the other thing that happens sometimes is when you've experienced this and when somebody is listening to you and and helping you through it, there are some times when people tell you that in order to heal, you need to tell your story on a platform. And I've seen that over and over again where. Or in order to heal, we've seen it in the human trafficking world very consistently that there will be people saying, well, survivor of human trafficking, in order to heal, you really need to tell your story at my gala and be open about that. And then, of course, I don't like that. No, it's, it's, it's not okay. And that doesn't mean you can't tell your story. What I would say is, there has to be a ton of healing before that happens. And I always say I know when someone's ready to tell their story, when the story is on the redemption side of it, as opposed to the, as opposed to getting
• 10:45
  Unknown: into the details of getting you
• 10:47
  Stephanie Olson: Yes, yes, and that there you can tell when there's anger. And by the way, I would say too, I'll go, I'll, I'll go back to that. I might take Yes. And I think it's really important to know that you don't have to do that. No one requires you to tell your story, and I think it's important to share it with one person and have that conversation so it doesn't fester and eat at you. But you don't need to share your story publicly. And another thing Rebecca, and we've talked about this, and I'll let you kind of jump further into this, but I have seen a lot of people really asking, We believe survivors should be sitting at our table, and we believe that when we are doing work in this realm that we want to hear from survivor voices. However, I think sometimes when that happens, being a survivor becomes your identity. Do you want to speak to that at all?
• 11:53
  Unknown: Rebecca, yeah, I think that's a common trap that people can fall into, or kind of be pushed into, especially when you feel pressure to share your story before you're really ready. Or sometimes you can think I am ready, and then once you do it, you don't feel great about it, and it's totally okay to say, You know what, I tried that I don't I don't think I want to share my story anymore.
• 12:14
  Unknown: I'm done, and I think that there's a lot of pressure on you need to use the bad things that have happened to you for the good of others, and that's not your responsibility. That's a choice, and you just because you may have been assaulted doesn't mean that you are now the poster child for that, right? And I think what can happen is when we start to focus on what is happened to us that was negative, whether that's abuse, sexual assault or anything in that nature. When that's the thing that we're telling over and over, we can start to think that that's all we are, is that I'm someone who survived that event, and there's so much more to you than that. And so I think in equal parts, if not more, we should be focusing on the great things about you that you know, what do you like to do that's creative? What are your hobbies?
• 13:05
  Unknown: What are your passions? Because all of those things matter much more than that. One negative aspect that's happened to you, not to say that it doesn't matter, of course, abusing any kind is completely life changing. But what I mean is that you don't have to then be resigned to a life of focusing on that.
• 13:24
  Stephanie Olson: Agreed. I think that's a really important point.
• 13:28
  Stephanie Olson: I you know you don't have to start a nonprofit. You don't have to make this your life focus. And I know some amazing survivors that their job is working at a bank, and that's what they do, and no one knows they're survivors, except for that core group of people that really care about them. There's nothing wrong. Okay, yeah, yeah, absolutely. You know. The other thing that I think is really hard is that there are times when your abuser is in your life. And I would say many times you can really cut that relationship off, right? If you have a certain family member or somebody in a workplace, maybe you find another job, maybe you don't go to those family events.
• 14:16
  Stephanie Olson: I think it can be more challenging. But for example, the case of an abuser being an ex husband or an ex partner, in which people have children that can be really challenging, and sometimes you can do things like this person's going to intervene and but there's just a reality about co parenting, even with somebody who is abusive, where you may not have a choice because of the court system. And so I don't know what are
• 14:53
  Unknown: your thoughts there?
• 14:53
  Unknown: Yeah, that can be really challenging, and I think what makes a situation like that even more. Challenging. Sometimes can be other people's well intentioned opinions on the situation, because maybe you don't have full control, or maybe you're thinking, I'm just trying to do the best thing that I can in this situation, and it may not look like what other people think it should look like, and that can get very challenging. But at the end of the day, we want to prioritize safety first. So we want to make sure that you're putting your safety, and if there are any children involved their safety, you know everyone's safety first, and then you can decide what works for you. And so maybe this is someone who you think, Okay, I have very limited contact with them, and I'm okay.
• 15:36
  Unknown: And maybe for you, you think they're going to be at the family gathering. I can't be there. I think that's good.
• 15:43
  Stephanie Olson: You know, one of the things we try and do is really teach people to empower survivors, and one of the ways to do that is give survivors choices. You have choices, and I think that's important to know that you even have the choice of whether to get help or not for that situation. But I think knowing you have options and you have choices is really, really important.
• 16:11
  Unknown: So sometimes, whenever you go through a traumatic experience, what happens is it feels like your brain is not able to access that decision making area, and so you can feel trapped, and that's where having a trusted person help you walk through this can be so beneficial to really show you what all options you do have good point.
• 16:31
  Stephanie Olson: But regardless of what happened to you, regardless of what it looked like, regardless of who it was, it was not your fault. And I think we can't really reiterate that enough that you did not make the choice to be essayed, and it's not your fault. And so I think that is the biggest thing that that we can say absolutely
• 16:59
  Unknown: and your situation is unique. So you know, we are both survivors of this. There are other survivors, but we all have different stories. And so even if your story doesn't look exactly like mine, that is the one consistent that I can tell you is that I didn't ask for it.
• 17:12
  Unknown: She didn't ask for it. You did not ask for it.
• 17:17
  Stephanie Olson: It is not your fault Exactly, exactly. And I would say also give yourself some grace and take care of yourself. You really do need time to heal. You need time to grieve and you need time to recover. And I think that is going to look different for absolutely everyone, that process of healing and recovering can be a lifetime process, so don't be surprised if you know, get over it. That's not a thing, right? Don't be surprised if it takes a long time. And what I would say is that my abuse is 30 years out, and although I really have gone through a strong healing process, and I feel like, you know, I speak about it, I can openly talk about it. There are times when, boom, it hits me like a ton of bricks that I am not anticipating. And so also, don't be surprised if you do have moments where it just kind of comes back full force. That is not unusual, totally normal.
• 18:27
  Stephanie Olson: Yeah, but do take care of yourself. We are here for you.
• 18:31
  Stephanie Olson: We want to provide resources for you, and even if you need an ear, we can be that for you. So do not hesitate to reach out, and we'll throw a few more links in the information for you. And yeah, we just want to be we just want to remind you that you have an intrinsic value that can't be changed. It doesn't matter what happens. It doesn't matter what you do. You have value? You have worth and you have human dignity? Close with that, yeah.
• 19:06
  Stephanie Olson: And on that note, we thank you for being a part of this podcast and go get some R and R. We'll see you next time you.