Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / Notice Me Before I Shout

Transcript

Notice Me Before I Shout · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, this is Kim Lee, child and adolescent psychotherapist.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is the first episode in an eight-episode series entitled I Wish My Parents Would.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: The reason for the title is this is something I very often hear in the consulting room, in one form or another.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes not quite as directly as that.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes these things develop over time.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what is different about the consulting room and the family home is that I have time for the child because I have no other demands where that child is concerned.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: The family home is very different, of course.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it's very interesting because sometimes I hear parents say they can't wait, they're impatient, they're always demanding their and a whole host of other things.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, these are common things that parents experience.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: The child, though, is often very different in terms of how they understand what they're experiencing.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: So this first episode is I wish my parents would notice me before I have to shout.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Very often children will describe that, you know, when when they're being quiet or they're not saying much, the parents might think they're fine.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Or if they're if if they ask their parents for something, you know, they always have to wait.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Parent might say in a minute, but that minute never comes, as far as the child's concerned.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: But then when they shout, everybody looks at them and then says, Why do you have to make such a fuss?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, these are fairly simple and common things, and I don't want to suggest that there's some deep and mysterious pathological meaning that's emerging.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: What I want to do is I want to promote the idea of noticing the child before they shout.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Children need to feel that they exist in the minds of the people who care for them and that somebody notices just how they are when their expression changes or when there's something in their behavior changes that they just can't quite bring themselves to say.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes a child to make a child's attempt to make contact is very small.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: They might say, Come and look at this, or can I tell you something, or will you sit with me?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And these invitations often arrive at inconvenient moments because a parent might be working, making dinner, dealing with another child, or trying to finish one of the many things that keep a household going.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: And no parent can respond to every invitation immediately.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a difference between having to wait and repeatedly feeling forgotten.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: A child may begin with a question and then they might ask it again, they might interrupt, they might then become demanding, and by the time the parent responds, both parties are feeling very irritated.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And the parent sees a child who will not wait, and the child experiences an adult who only responds when the volume rises.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And without anyone intending it, the kind of shouting and the mayhem becomes the most reliable and common route to attention.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you live in a allowed household, where maybe it's not just the children who are allowed, but maybe the parents are as well, then something, uh a pattern is beginning to emerge.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And when that happens, it's simply telling the child to stop shouting, perhaps by shouting themselves, what that's only addressing the final part of the sequence.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: And we we need to understand what came before.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And the phrase is they're just attention seeking.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now I've I find that one particularly difficult because it because it sounds very judgmental.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so over the years, when I hear that, I've said, do you mean attention seeking or do you mean attention needing?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: That changes the perspective immediately.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Attention seeking, if we use that term, just closes down our curiosity remarkably quickly.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, of course children seek attention, of course they do.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: They depend upon relationships and be and being noticed helps them to feel connected, recognized, and secure.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: What matters is the kind of attention that that they're seeking and why are they struggling to obtain it, and whether the way they ask is becoming difficult for everyone.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: A child who knocks something over may become angry.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: They may also have discovered that disruption brings an adult into the room more reliably than a polite request.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that doesn't make the disruption acceptable, it gives us something useful to understand.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we can maintain a boundary and remain interested in the child's experience.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I also want to just just make the point that children, in my view, are not by design manipulative.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: A child, I don't think a child decides, goes through a conscious process of thinking, I know, I will do so and so, and then I will get a reaction.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it works that way.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's much more that the child reacts in different situations, and that those reactions result in contact.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now the contact might be unfavorable, but the child and the parent are essentially learning this is how we do connection in certain situations.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And it's very interesting because when I see children, parents will often say they won't behave like that with you, probably.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I I'm always curious about that.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I think probably you're right, and you're and and that's not because I possess magical skills, it's because the context is different and my approach is different.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now I don't think those two are opposites, I think they can coexist.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: I think parents can develop skills in their approach which can change these things.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen it so many times, and it's really quite remarkable once the parent becomes able to see what's happening, able to understand, able to understand what they experience and how their own pressures and and stress levels are part of that whole process.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: That the the child's need for connection is something which places the parent under pressure, and therefore their reaction compounds the problem.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: And this is not, and I really want to stress this, this is not a criticism of parents at all.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: It really is, it's extremely hard.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, this podcast, like all the others, are really intended to try and support parents in uh the care of the children.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in the consulting room, children don't always tell me that directly that they feel overlooked, but what I notice is that uh some children may repeatedly ask whether I remember something from the previous week.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: They may watch closely to see whether I am noticing what they might be doing.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: They can sometimes become irritated if my attention moves elsewhere, even briefly.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I think sometimes the question underneath this is do I stay in your mind when I'm no longer in front of you?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: In therapy, you know, that that question matters a great deal.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Who has experienced adults as distracted, unpredictable, or emotionally difficult to reach.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: There's another concept here called being held in mind.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: And but also there's another child we have to remember here as well, but not the one who not only the one who shouts, but the helpful child, the undemanding child, the one who says it doesn't matter and quietly leaves the room.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Their need for attention may be just as considerable, and they have simply found a way, a different way of managing the disappointment.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now we should be careful about assuming that the easiest child is the least troubled.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: So, what comparance do?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Often it begins with responding more deliberately to the smaller bids for contact.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you can't listen immediately, make the return clear.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: I want to hear what you're saying, just let me finish what I'm doing, and then I'll come and sit with you and then return.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you forget, acknowledge it.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: I said I'd come back, I didn't, I'm sorry.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me now.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: The small repair communicates something really important, and that is your attempt to reach me mattered.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: It can also help to notice a child without requiring them to perform.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: So then we would be initiating.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I've noticed you've been quieter quieter today, and I also noticed a different situation.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: You seemed pleased when you came home.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you've been trying to tell me something.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Go on, I'm listening.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: An observation opens a door, the child may walk through it immediately, later, or not at all.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: The fact that they have been noticed is what matters.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have to produce a disclosure to make your attention worthwhile.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: And if shouting has become an established pattern, don't expect it to disappear because you've listened carefully once.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Children who've grown up in these kinds of environments need repeated experiences of the fact that quieter communication can work.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: And parents need room to make mistakes and try again.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: The aim is an ordinary, dependable experience of being noticed.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: A child's shout may contain anger, frustration, fatigue, fear, difficulty managing overwhelming feelings.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: And we can't assume that every raised voice means the same thing.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: But we can ask whether the child has been trying to reach us before the shouting began.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the most useful question comes earlier than why are you behaving like this?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: The question becomes, what were you trying to tell me before it became so loud?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Kim Lee, child and adolescence psychotherapist, and uh this was I wish my parents would.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: In the next episode, the question becomes I wish my parents would stop asking me to choose.