Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / When Avoidants Do THIS, They Expect YOU To Break First

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When Avoidants Do THIS, They Expect YOU To Break First · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  If you're fighting the urge to texture, avoid an X first.
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  That's exactly what they're hoping for.
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  They broke up with you, or they pulled away, or they went silent
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  and now they're waiting to see if you are going to be the one
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  who breaks. Because the moment that you do,
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  they don't have to be vulnerable, they don't have to
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  risk getting rejected. They don't have to put
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  themselves out there because you did it for them.
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  And there are some powerful but subtle signs that tell you that
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  they're waiting for you to reach out, even if, of course, they
• 0:44
  will never admit it. What are those signs?
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  Stay tuned and you'll find out if you're new here.
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  Hi, my name is Lucia. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
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  over your ex. And if you're not new here then
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  you are part of my no contact army.
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  And thank you so much for being here again and I hope you've
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  been a good little soldier and stayed in no contact.
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  OK, so the first sign we have is controlled silence.
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  So even though they dumped you or withdrew, they won't totally
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  disappear. They might still be checking
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  your status, responding slowly if for some reason you're in
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  contact, watching your stories but not actually making a move.
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  So they're leaving a door open. They're saying without saying
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  it. Of course, if you really care,
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  come find me. And I know that's painful and
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  it's unfair, but you have to understand that disbehavior is
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  coming from fear. They're afraid that if they
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  reach out, they'll lose power or get rejected.
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  So they wait in the hopes that you will make it safe to
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  reconnect. The second sign is quiet
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  testing. If they're waiting for you to
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  come forward, they're not going to text and say I miss you.
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  That's way too much vulnerability for an avoidant.
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  So they test the waters quietly. They might view your stories
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  like a post. Ask mutual friends about you or
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  if they do text, it's going to be something casual, a meme out
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  of nowhere all of a sudden something light enough to
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  protect their pride. Bread crumbs are the avoidance
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  version of reaching out without losing control.
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  It's their way of saying I still care but I'm afraid to show it.
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  And it's also their way of seeing if you will lean in
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  first. The next sign is emotional echo.
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  Now this means that they'll post places that you used to go to
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  together, or share quotes about missing someone but needing
• 3:00
  space because avoidance don't usually talk about their
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  feelings directly, so they act it out in coded ways, which you
• 3:10
  end up having to decipher. And that emotional echo?
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  It means that they're still bonded to you, even if they're
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  scared to express it openly. And if you react to it, then
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  again, they have nothing to risk.
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  And Speaking of risk, you don't risk anything.
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  But you gain a lot by downloading my app, Silencio, to
• 3:34
  help you stay in no contact. And the link to that is
• 3:37
  underneath every single video and podcast.
• 3:40
  And while you're at it, you can also check out my book, which is
• 3:44
  available at nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 3:47
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
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  OK, the next sign we have is mirroring, which a lot of people
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  have heard about. So this means that when you post
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  something, they quickly post something with similar energy
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  when you shift your tone and they shift it.
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  There's some people don't realize that avoidance regulate
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  connection through mirroring. So if they mirror you, it's a
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  subconscious effort to stay connected while keeping the
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  emotional risk low. And I've seen this a lot with my
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  clients. They'll say, well, I posted at
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  the beach, and Allison, they're posting at the beach.
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  Well, I posted wearing a red shirt.
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  No, they posted wearing a red shirt.
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  It's like, yeah, I know. I see what they're up to.
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  I see you. OK, so the next sign is one that
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  confuses people a lot, and that is that they'll open up about
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  something deep. Then you get excited and you
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  think, oh, they're fine and letting me in.
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  And then they pull away again. Why?
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  Why? Because that was a subconscious
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  test to see how reconnection with you would feel.
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  So if your response soothes their fear, they'll feel closer.
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  But when their fear of being vulnerable returns, they retreat
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  again. And this isn't manipulation like
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  most people assume. It's the internal battle of
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  someone who wants love but doesn't fully trust it.
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  And I know it's a pain in the neck to deal with someone like
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  that, but in a way, you also have to feel sorry for them or
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  have some compassion because imagine wanting love but not
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  being able to trust it. I mean, I think that's pretty
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  sad, actually. And finally, we have the I'm
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  Fine performance. And that means that they post
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  photos online, they focus on work, they act like everything's
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  fine. And again, my clients will say,
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  Oh my God, my ex is never coming back.
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  They look like they're happy. I go, oh, please.
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  It's all performative, right? Who believes what's on social
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  media anymore? They're just making it look like
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  they're having a great time. Meanwhile, they could be crying
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  in their beer every night or whatever they drink, you know,
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  because avoidance are masters of hiding discomfort with control.
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  So they convince themselves they don't need anyone.
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  But a lot of times, the more composed they appear, the more
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  likely they're wrestling with thoughts of you.
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  So that silence isn't about being indifferent, it's about,
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  as usual, protection. So I know that dealing with an
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  avoidance can feel like a chess game of emotional endurance.
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  Like who's going to make the first move?
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  They're hoping that you will blink first.
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  Especially if they're used to anxious partners doing exactly
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  that. Reaching out would validate
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  their worth without them having to risk being rejected.
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  So here's the thing. Just because they're waiting for
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  you to reach out, it doesn't mean you should.
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  Because if you always bridge the distance, then they never learn
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  to cross that bridge themselves. Because if they know that if
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  they pull away or break up with you, that you'll pursue, you'll
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  fill in the gap, you'll carry the emotional weight, then they
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  have no incentive to make a move.
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  They have No Fear of loss. So if your goal is to change
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  that dynamic, then you do not reach out.
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  Not from anxiety, not from curiosity, not to test, not to
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  prove strength. Because the moment that you
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  relieve the pressure, you teach them that their silence actually
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  works. And once that lesson is
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  reinforced, it becomes very hard to undo.
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  If they're waiting for you to blink first, the shift doesn't
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  happen when you reach out, it happens when you don't break at
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  all. The moment you stop regulating
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  the relationship for them, the dynamic changes.
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  So now I want to hear from you. Have you typically been the one
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  to blink first to reach out when someone breaks up with you or
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  pulls away? Please comment below and if you
• 8:03
  would like my help to get your ex back, you can contact me at
• 8:06
  theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates they are
• 8:10
  not on the website and be sure to subscribe so you don't miss
• 8:14
  out on any future videos or episodes if you're listening to
• 8:18
  this as a podcast. And remember that love inspires,
• 8:21
  empowers, uplifts and enlightens.