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Why You Keep Falling Back Into Old Patterns (and How to Make Change Stick) · The Expert Method

• speaker-0: Awareness is a threshold, but just as you said, it doesn't necessarily change the pattern. Repatterning takes practice. I said awareness is the threshold, but repatterning is through practice, and practice is the doorway in which we walk through it in order to create that change. speaker-1: Today's guest is Carleen Marie. Carleen is a coach, speaker, author of her newly released book, Enough Already, and the creator of the Compass Method, a four-step practice for changing the patterns that keep pulling us back into old reactions. In our conversation, we talk about why you can clearly see a pattern that you want to change or a habit and still keep repeating it, and what actually has to happen to repattern that response so the changes that you want to make actually start to stick. If you get value from this conversation, be sure to subscribe and share with a friend. And now please enjoy my conversation with Carleen Marie. Carleen, thank you so much for being here. speaker-0: Thank you, Ian, for having me. It's such a gift. speaker-1: Absolutely. I'm looking forward to our conversation. So, Carline, I listened to a lot of your other podcast appearances, looked into some of your work. And one thing that really stood out to me from your work is this idea that people can be very aware of their patterns and still keep repeating them. Like for me, things like people pleasing, overthinking, you know, second guessing myself, imposter syndrome, whatever. Like I'm aware that I struggle with these things, but knowing isn't the thing that's going to stop it from happening. So Why do we keep falling back into old patterns even when we know better? speaker-0: I love that question. And it's it's so much awareness already. So congratulations, because identification is really, I believe, the beginning of transformation, but it's the threshold, right? Awareness is a threshold. But just as you said, it doesn't necessarily change the pattern. And so why do we? Well, most of the things and the way we react and the way we think and the words that we say to ourselves, the self-talk, that typically is wiring. It's A pattern that we adapted or adopted. ⁓ typically in our tender years as we were growing up. And maybe we didn't have the language yet, maybe we didn't have the emotional maturity. Certainly we may not have had the life experience or wisdom, but somewhere along that way, we adapted and made up a story in order to most of the time feel accepted or safe or feel like we belonged. And it's usually unconscious. And it's a way of our operating in the world, coping in the world and showing up in the world that we don't even realize. It it may have kept us safe. And more often than not, it did. It did its job. And so we don't turn around and add blame or shame to that pattern. But until, as the great Carl Jung said, until we make the unconscious conscious, it will direct our lives and we will call it fate. And so that question has always been intriguing to me, not only in my personal journey, but also in my coaching work. And I truly believe what was once patterned can be repatterned, right? I mean, that's neuroplasticity. What was once wired can be rewired. And that includes our self-talk, the way we show up in the world. Typically, we're at the mercy of a reaction, something triggers it, and we just automatically default. to that pattern. And until we begin to re pattern that, despite our awareness, despite our best efforts, a lot of times we can think to ourselves, why did I do that? Why did I show up that way? And sometimes as we find out later in life, whether it's in work or relationships, sometimes those patterns don't serve us well. speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So these patterns that we recognize at maybe being unproductive. And I don't think unproductive is the right word, but they just don't serve us. Or right, maybe we want to make a change. We want to re pattern that pattern. These are things that we picked up at a time in our lives where it did serve us, right? It did keep us safe. It did help us. Right. Like I can think in my own journey, like if I as I've investigated and really thought through where this people pleasing. idea came from for myself. I can think back to when I was really young and just terrified of being an outcast, right? Terrified of being, you know, kicked out of the lunch table or whatever. Just like, I don't know, very obsessed with just making sure that I maintain these friendships and these relationships that I have. So just doing anything that I could to keep these people happy and stay on good terms, I suppose. So I can understand like the origins and where these things come from. And your point about, you know, awareness being that first step. is a common thread across many different domains. Like awareness of wanting to make a change or something that you want to change is that first step. And then I love this idea that these patterns we can we can repattern. Right. So how do you how do we go about that? How do we go about repatterning ourselves? speaker-0: So repatterning takes practice. I said awareness is the threshold, but repatterning is through practice. And practice is the doorway in which we walk through it in order to create that change. And so many times, as I'm coaching my clients, we don't just wave a magic wand with conscious awareness and suddenly we've changed that pattern. It takes practice. And I created the method that I'm sure we'll get to talk about that. Helps you to practice. And when you do, over time, you can continuously repattern that. But the first step is obviously the awareness. Like you're saying right now, you look back and you say, like I could, I can see that, that that was a pattern. And maybe that's been a pattern all the way up to this day. I don't know. But typically that is the way. And until we come into a situation, sometimes it's kind of like a life flashpoint where we're starting to question that. pattern and like, is this really the best the way I want to show up in the world? Is it serving my leadership, my career, my relationships? So typically there's a moment for us where the unconscious emerges into our conscious awareness and we get to choose a different way. But until we bring it to our awareness, we really can't make that choice. But once we do, we have an opportunity to practice a new way. So practicing A new pattern is the way that we re pattern a faulty autopilot belief or wiring that we want to change. speaker-1: Yeah. Yep. That's another common theme across many of our conversations, right? If only conscious awareness, if only knowing the information was enough. Yeah, but it's not that easy, right? And and ⁓ so we have to actually, you know, do the work, practice, walk through that door and re pattern ourselves through our conscious action to change the patterns that have driven us into these circumstances that we find ourselves in, or just that change that we want to make. So I guess before we get into unpacking your method and really giving kind of clear instruction on how you can go about walking that repatterning path, ⁓ if you will, I think maybe just lingering on the idea of the awareness piece for a moment longer. So I would I mean, and this is just from my own personal experience. Like, if you were to ask me, it's like, hey, what patterns or what habits do you feel like you want to change? I would just know like right away. Like I I I feel like I know but do you find that some people may struggle to kind of see these things? Cause I could understand where that would come from too. It's like if you're living it every single day and it's just something that you do automatically, right? It's one of those click run responses as Robo Cialdini calls it in an influence. Can it be hard to see and and find that awareness of the of the patterns that might need to change? speaker-0: Sure. I think that's so individual. I really do. I think that we can emerge with awareness at different flashpoints in our lives. And sometimes I have found the clients that come and find me and we end up working together. There is something that is not working in their lives. They're showing up in a way and they're like, Why am I doing this? Why am I behaving in this way? Or how can I change this ⁓ to get from where I am to really where I want to be? And so typically it's a moment or it's a season where they're experiencing that showing up a certain way, whether that is being reactive, whether that's negative self-talk, maybe it's not focusing on all of the things that they truly want to focus on. And they they bring it into awareness. Typically there's a there's a moment that they come to meet, but then also through the accountability and the guidance and the support. with someone walking alongside of you as a guide, as a coach, then then we can get curious, right? Then we can really start to take the time to peel back the layers and get curious about whose voice is this, right? If it's a not enough voice, or what is this pattern? What did it protect you from? What is it doing for you today? And do you continue, do you want to continue to fight follow it? And usually the answer is no. And so then it's like, okay, so we've now agreed that this isn't a pattern that you want to agree to anymore. So let's begin a process where we can release it and we can repattern it and then you can practice that so that you can create that change in your life. speaker-1: Yeah. I think it's beautiful what you said where, you know, sometimes just in a conversation with somebody, like a coach or a mentor or somebody who is guiding you through this journey, just having that conversation or the moment that you have to get out of your head and then put what you're experiencing or what you're struggling with into words, there's just so much clarity that can come from that experience. And again, no matter what you're working on, whether it's, you know, repatterning yourself or trying to find the places where you're getting stuck or You know, other places in business, right? If you're just trying to figure out like your marketing language, your sales and just taking it, getting out of your head and putting it into words, whether that's words on a page or in a conversation with somebody, there's something magical that can happen once you get it out of your own head. But you talked about the process, right? The process of not agreeing to that pattern anymore and finding a new pattern that you can pick up and replace instead, right? The practice that you have to do to make this change, what comes after awareness. So if you could take us through through that journey that you guide your clients through when they want to go through that re patenting process. speaker-0: Yeah, this kind of was born out of not only a need for myself, because of course, even as a coach and all that I do and coach and guide, I'm still human and life is gonna life. And just because we're consciously aware doesn't mean that we're truly we have the thought we're consciously aware, but so much of those thoughts are actually first experienced in the body. So I've worked with clients and I've even experienced this myself. Where something is said to you, you experience something. Might not be words said to you, but it could be an email that you just read. So something has so you have experienced something and all of a sudden you feel it first in your body, right? Your heart might race, your throat might become dry, you might find you feel like a lump in your throat, your heart might feel like it just sank in your gut. For some, you might feel like your eyes are welling up with some tears, right? So the body typically experiences it even before we even have the words for it. And so one of the things that I encountered as a coach, and I love positive mindset, and I believe in the power of our self-talk and the power of positivity and phrasing things because, you know, the brain doesn't, the brain doesn't process the word don't. So if you're walking around saying, you know, I don't want to do this, the brain is going to actually hear. I want to do this. And so I'm so intrigued with the mind. And also reject that if you're speaking to somebody in a really activated state, whether they've just read the email, they're firing off a response, or somebody just said something to them and they're firing back, there is no pause, there is no space to create that change. And we feel at first, like I just said, in the body. So For me, I wanted an easy and memorable process that I could reach for in any moment and then guide a client through in any moment, in any season, in any challenge where it was proven based on not only the neuroscience of their brain, but on nervous system regulation, right? Because I just said, would you agree? Like you feel it first in your body, call it triggered, spiraling, activated. You feel it first there, right? speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. speaker-0: Yeah. So what I wanted to create was something easy. And so the compass method is a four waypoint journey, four steps to create calm, confident clarity in that moment when you know you could default instantly to that pattern that isn't serving you well. Whether you're gonna fire back an email, whether you're going to speak back to somebody, whether it's the old not enough story. Speaking to you in your in your own mind and your own self-talk. I wanted to offer something memorable and really easy so that within a few moments, you could regain that calm, confident clarity. And I call it come home to yourself. Because typically we're not our empowered selves when we succumb to a reaction, doesn't normally serve us well. But when we can walk home to ourselves with a proven method. We can become not only the empowered director of our thoughts, but then our emotions and then our choices, our behaviors, and our very results. So the Compass method has four waypoints. And ⁓ through those four waypoints, I guide you through those to come home to yourself. speaker-1: Hmm. Coming home to yourself. I think that's so well said because that rhymes with a lot of the other ideas that we've had here on this pod podcast. Like just like the returning back to yourself. Like the the true version of yourself isn't the scared version, right? Isn't the fearful, isn't the limited, small, right? I don't I don't know exactly the right adjectives, but that's not the true you, right? Like what I guess if you had to put it into words, right? Coming back to yourself. Like within each of us there is that true self coming back to you. Like what do you think some of the characteristics of the the true self that we all have in common? speaker-0: I love that question. I think it's your your true essence. I think it's your inherent worth. And if we're reacting typically to be safe, to belong, those behaviors can be rooted in fear. And fear isn't like our natural state, right? It's when we're we're we're threat assessing. And look, threat assessing's great. We're biological beings. I'm not saying we should feel shame or blame. We were doing the best we could at the time when we learned the pattern of behavior that was most likely keeping us safe. But typically, like you were saying, like growing up or being in school, the fear of being banished from the lunch table kept you in a pattern of being easy, agreeable, you know, like not not rocking the boat, but that was that really your true essence if you could not voice your truth in a moment. So say there was some injustice that you witnessed. And rather than you felt deep down that maybe you wanted to voice that and to be accepted and included, you might have dimmed that voice and just been appeasing. And over time, I really think that those types of behaviors, hey, me included, they take us away from ourselves. And we we drift further away from like our true north and who we truly are. And that doesn't serve us well because then we like drift. We're not in alignment with who we want to be. We're not integrous to our true inherent worth, our essence. And so when we live that way, when we can speak the truth without apology or aggression, and we can just own our words and own our thoughts and be authentic and be home in ourselves, I think it's so empowering. And I think also it's empowering for others to witness it in ourselves as well. speaker-1: Hm. Be home in ourselves. That sounds nice. speaker-0: That's yeah, right. Is that well ultimately that's freedom. speaker-1: Yeah. Right. And then when you feel that way, I would imagine that that's when you're able to really hear that version of yourself, which is going to draw you to the thing that you were brought here to do, right? To the contribution that you were brought here to make to the world. And ⁓ yeah, I mean, I think for me personally that's That's what I'm looking for. I can imagine that's what we're all looking for, right? That that reason for being, that why we're here, right? That unique gift that we were brought here to share with the world and contribute and bring to the the people that we can serve and help. But I feel like the only way to really first hear that is to get to the place where we can feel at home with ourselves and feel comfortable with ourselves and be happy with ourselves. I again I don't know if these are the right words, but yeah, we have to do that first, and then we can really hear that part of us and then we can f But then we can have like the trust in ourselves to once we hear it, then follow it, right, and pursue it and have the courage and have the confidence to go and and make it happen. speaker-0: Yeah, I love that. So eloquently and beautifully said. Ian, ⁓ you get that, and that we have this, you know, we'll go we'll get a little deeper here. But I mean, if you think like we have this one blip of time, it's such a short time. And if we truly believe that we have inherent worth, and maybe for some people they've never even considered that or have ever have ever heard that, but the fact that we're here makes us inherently worthy. We have this short amount of time. To live in our purpose, to be able to contribute or just truly be who we were meant to be. And that's different for every single person, every unique person. Now, I say, ⁓ there's a there's a quote in my book ⁓ by this famous sister Peg Dolan, and she says, Your name has only ever once been spoken by God. And I love that. And whether you're God, however you subscribe to your creator. I think you could we could all think like there's never been a another Ian before you and there will never be another Ian after you. And so this your essence is truly unique. Therefore, so is your purpose. And living in alignment with that is true empowerment. It's true freedom. And I think once we once we experience that, then we want to keep experiencing it more and more. And I think by it, I think. One of the, you know, subtitles of my book is Remember Your Lights. And I think by experiencing that and being our authentic selves, that is remembering our light. And we can truly, you know, be that light. And I think it gives others permission to see it, maybe even not consciously at first, but to be like, Wow, I want to live like that. Right. Yeah. speaker-1: Yeah. Absolutely. And in my over the last couple of months I've like that point about like recognizing it in other people and seeing other people doing it. Like I've started to get more and more inspired when I see people like I think maybe, you know, a year ago, two years ago it might have been envy instead of but now it's like when I see people and I don't know what shift happened, like when I see people doing something that they truly love and they're just throwing themselves into it, like I see it almost just as like inspiring. And I can see how that on a smaller scale, like when you step into yourself and when you pour yourself into something, how that could have like ripple effects to the people around you. But going back to the point that you make or that you made where, you know, I guess I'm I'm just kind of taking this idea that this belief that every individual has that, you know, unique gift, that unique contribution to make to the world as ⁓ as an inherent fact and that everyone would believe. But I guess as you were explaining that that might not be the case, right? There might be people who who hear this and think, well, that's not me. Right? That's not me. I don't have that. I don't have that gift to bring I I'm not exactly sure how to put this into words, but where would that belief come from? Like that is very sad to think about that there's people out there who are likely in a situation where they they don't think that that's them. They don't feel like they have that. unique gift, that unique contribution to make that inner essence. So like where why would somebody think that about themselves? speaker-0: About not thinking that they have it or thinking about they have it? speaker-1: Yeah, just like maybe somebody's hearing these words and they just think, Well, that's not me. Like I don't have that. Like obviously you have to be pretty run down to get in that, but like where would somebody pick up that belief? Like where where would they kind of lose sight? Like can people lose sight or I guess is it possible? Like do you think people can lose sight of that? speaker-0: Absolutely. I mean, I certainly have I sure. I mean, I didn't always remember that. We've all gone through darkness in our lives, right? I mean, come on, that's that's kind of the human condition that we we have dark valleys and we we forget we forget our inherent worth. And certainly great grief, transition, loss, challenges, pain, struggles, like that can definitely wear a person down where they can they can not recall or even know that they have inherent worth. So I get that. I mean, I do believe that that truly is something we all experience, but we also can all experience contemplating that we're here and we only will be here for this short amount of time if you believe in eternity and think like, you know, if not now, when if we have this time here, can we consider And I think, you know, I share this in my book. Can we consider that we are beloved? Can we consider that? I'm not telling you you should, but could you consider that? Knowing that you're here, the very fact that you've been given life, you're on this planet for this short amount of time, you're a human being with dignity and worth that maybe could you possibly could consider that question? And I think it starts there. And I think it doesn't matter what what spiritual or even philosophical backgrounds, because I think there are many ways that that net can be cast to meet somebody where they are. So for me it might be spiritual. For someone else it might be physical, you know, it could be philosophy, you know, it could be, you know, thinking about the Stoics, or it could it could be in nature. ⁓ there are many ways that we could contemplate our worthiness. And I think that really is our true dignity, our essence. speaker-1: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And maybe there's, you know, another thread that we can dive down in another conversation where we explore like what is there to learn when you're in that moment of darkness, right? Because, you know, you were put there for a purpose, right? There, there that this is happening to you for a reason, ⁓ or for you for a reason. And there's things to learn from the darkness when you're in those difficult moments. And then the road out of the darkness is maybe the next thread that I'd love to pull and explore with you. And I apologize if this is a bit redundant, but is there anything different about, you know, that road out of the darkness? Like how do you like when you reach that low point and like everything kind of s like that flash point that you talked about, right? Like you hit that low and you recognize that a change needs to be made. That road out of the darkness, like what does that look like? speaker-0: Coached this and I truly believe it. And I think it's it's great to start with the great Victor Frankl, who was a Holocaust survivor and saw his whole family wiped out and became, you know, a famous psychotherapist. And he would approach this and even his own atrocities and say, Where did life not happen to me? But where did life happen for me? And I think when I guide my clients to release, whether it's the negative emotion that is overtaking them or a limiting belief of not being enough or self-doubt or, you know, a negative emotion like anger or sadness or fear, hurt, guilt, when we go back and we can identify whether we truly know the story or sense it, and I guide them back to that. And they can see in that moment where life actually happened for them and not to them, that in itself can be the major shift. That is where the story and the pattern can begin to be rewritten because a lot of people can't see that. And I've guided people and they've been literally like, I can't see it. Like F you, Carleen. Like, I'm in this and I'm not excusing. abuse or trauma, please know that. But when we go back and they're able to identify the silver lining, could you extrapolate a silver lining for yourself? And is that, did it did that event, did that belief, did that create empathy within you? Are you resilient? Are you strong? Are you more compassionate toward others? Are you, you know, are you just so hard working? Are you You name it. And when they can see where life didn't happen to them anymore, and they considered for a moment what happened for them, that can be where everything begins to really release. So it's a lot of identification. It's also the silver lining. And then I think it's also forgiveness, forgiveness of ⁓ themselves, where maybe that. pattern showed up in their lives at that moment to keep them safe or protected. And again, maybe they're working with me because that pattern isn't serving them well in their lives anymore. And when we can get curious and begin to question that pattern and really find the silver lining, that's when things really can shift. So I love that you talked about that because we've all been in darkness. And if we think some of the negative emotions and limiting beliefs maybe we're imprinted in those dark times until we find the light and bring them into the light of awareness. And then we can actually get curious and say, hey, where what's a positive resource from that event? Whether it's a full memory or something I just sense that I can carry with me forward from here, that can also begin to shift and repattern what was once patterned. speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. And you talked about the idea of forgiveness. And I think myself, when I think about the idea of forgiveness, I'm usually thinking about forgiving others. I haven't really ever considered the idea of forgiving myself. Oof, even just like saying that out loud, it's like, well, ⁓ so and I th I could see how that would be a critical part of the journey out of that darkness, or the journey of, you know, the repattering is is forgiving yourself. So What do you mean by forgiving yourself and that forgiveness for yourself? Like what does that look like? speaker-0: I think that looks like having some kind of conversation, whether it's out loud or it's internal, because the mind doesn't differentiate between if you say it internally or you say it out loud or you actually write it. I love how earlier you talked about, you know, the power of writing things. I truly believe in that, like the brain through the hand, through the pen to the paper, so so powerful, so cathartic. But whether it's out loud or internal or through the hand on paper. To be able to kind of bring yourself onto a stage of forgiveness and see that younger version of yourself in that moment. And now with all of this life experience and wisdom and and the passage of time, to be able to turn back to that younger version of you and be able to offer that version absolute forgiveness for whatever needs to be said. You know, they were doing the best they could given what they were in that. moment in that circumstance where maybe that pattern or that belief or that autopilot response was imprinted that maybe they've carried throughout their lives that hasn't served them well. And they get to we get to question that. Like whose voice is this really? And do I choose to continue to believe it and follow it? And I think when we do that, it's really powerful to be able to say everything we need to say. Completely until there's nothing more to say and there's nothing more to do, until we can release that and we can begin again to l really release and and re pattern that and replace it because that's so powerful. You know, Gandhi talked about forgiveness is not an act of the weak, it's the act of the strong. speaker-1: Hmm. Yeah. And what I'm hearing when you're describing the forgiveness of yourself, it, you know, connects to that idea of the shift in perception. Right? Marianne Williamson in her book A Return to Love, which is something that I've been ⁓ binging the last handful of months just 'cause it was I don't know, it's really resonated with me. But anyways, defines a miracle as a change in a shift in perception. And it sounds like Part of forgiveness is that shift in perception of the events of your past, right? And more empathizing with yourself and recognizing that one, you know, maybe I did the best that I could in the in the moment of time and who I was at that time. And then also just like a recognition that you can change and a recognition that you always have control of the idea, like going out of Stoicism, right? One of the core tenets and ideas of Stoicism is that it's not events that harm you, but it's your interpretation of those events that that can harm you. So it sounds like that forgiveness of yourself is a rewiring of your perception of the events of the past. And then also just like empathizing and ⁓ I guess just forgiving yourself. speaker-0: Truly. And and and and we're not always saying like it's we're letting it go. We're releasing it, right? Does this serve me well? Do I still want to choose to believe this? And then how can I show up and and and choose differently? And what is the what is my choice that will be different? Yeah. Mm-hmm. speaker-1: Amazing. Well, Carlene, thank you so much. The last idea that I'd love to explore with you before we get to the end of the show is just finishing that idea of your compass method. So you described that there are four waypoints of the practice to re patterning yourself. So if you could unpack, you know, what are those four waypoints and what does the practice look like for somebody who's going through this repatterning process? speaker-0: Yeah, thank you so much. So the first waypoint is connect. Connect to yourself, right? You're aware. You beautifully brought that up at the beginning of our conversation. Like the awareness is the threshold, right? So we know we're feeling, you name it, triggered, reactive, spiraling, like something's going on, right? And so all we're doing is becoming aware of that by connecting to ourselves. And I like the word connect. There it is. There's that thought. I'm telling myself that thought, but I'm not that thought. ⁓ there it is. Right. I'm naming it. That's it. I'm connecting to myself with honesty. And I'm not doing it with blame or shame. Connect. Connect to yourself. Second waypoint is calm because as shared, more often than not, we are feeling that nervous system dysregulation in our body. Hearts racing, throats dry. We felt like our stomach just fell out, right? Hands are sweaty, you know, you name it. And so what happens when the body is dysregulated? Our clear logical thinking is hijacked, right? We can't the amygdala, the prefrontal cortex, we cannot access clarity. Think about if you've ever been in an argument with someone and then you thought about later, like I can't even remember saying that, right? Because We might have just been so amped up and our nervous system is feeling all of that activation. And so the brain's hijacked. So calm is the second waypoint. We need to calm the body in order for the brain to come back online. And so I offer box breathing. I offer a longer exhale than inhale. I offer feet on the ground, just awareness of your body. Maybe it's contracting muscles from head to toe one at a time and releasing them. Maybe it's a few rounds of box breath. Maybe it's just a hand to your heart, knowing you're safe or your arms around yourself, right? Like signaling to your body, stand down. I got this. So connect, calm. Once the body has stood down, the breathing has come back, it's more at ease, the heart rate's back to normal, or it's better. Then we can get curious. Curious is the third C, the third compass waypoint. Curious widens the lens. Curious is when the brain has regained a little bit more clarity, the body has stood down. And now we can get curious. Why is this showing up? Who would I be without this thought? What's the opposite of this thought? What would I want if I didn't believe this thought? So curious is where we can really begin to really loosen the story and widen the lens of possibility. Where two things can truly exist at the same time. Because in that activated reactive state, we usually get pretty extreme. And we usually think only one thing can exist at the same time. But in curiosity, when we get curious, two things can exist at the same time. Okay, there's that thought. There it is. It's showing up for me because it's an old pattern. Maybe it's an old relationship. Maybe it's some residue from the past. But there it is. And so yeah, I I acknowledge it. And also. I can choose differently. And that leads us to the fourth waypoint, which is claim. Claim your change. And I love claim because all the other waypoints are super important, of course. But until we claim our change and consciously choose how we want to show up differently than the reactive pattern that hasn't been serving us well, nothing gets repatterned. So claiming your change could look like this. What's That email that I can reply to with clarity and also speak my truth without apology or aggression. What do I need to do within the next 24 hours to show up differently? Do I need to use my voice? Do I need to think a different thought? It's casting a vote for the reaction in the future that I want to have. It's Very similar to, I would say, like James Clear, Atomic Habits, like you're casting a vote for the future self. Claim is claiming your change. So you've walked through, connect, calm, curious, but it's claiming your change of how you want to show up that's different, that allows the old wiring, the old pattern to begin to be repatterned. I say in my coaching, what was once patterned can be repatterned. So that's the compass. And you come home to yourself. And we reach for the compass when we get disoriented, when we lose our way from ourselves, from our true essence, from how we really want to show up. Because I don't know about you, I don't want to be at the mercy and succumb to reactions and patterns of my past that don't serve me and my work and my voice and my relationships, whether that's professional or personal. I don't want to be at the mercy of that. I want to become the empowered director of my thoughts, which then affect my emotions, which then affect my behavior, my choices, and my very results. So four waypoints to come all the way home to yourself. And I truly believe over time the compass becomes less and less about what you do. And it shifts until one day you look back and you're like, wow, that something happened and I didn't even reach for the compass and it didn't even I didn't even react like I used to in the past. speaker-1: And at that point you're re patterned, right? Because it's just you don't even you don't even need it. Yeah. speaker-0: It you still may. Like look, life's gonna life and we're all human. And you know, sometimes in coaching we say new level, new devil. If you're on the brink of stepping into a new season in a career and you're about to walk in a room, could that little imposter voice whisper in your ear? Sure. But is it gonna take you down? No. Because you have a compass to reach for in that moment and you can work through that quietly to yourself, sitting in a boardroom or in the car or wherever and ⁓ just easily remember. Connect, calm, curious, claim. speaker-1: Incredible. Yeah. Your patterns create your life and ⁓ this compass gives you the opportunity to, you know, claim the patterns that you want to live, which then leads to whatever life you choose. So, Carlene, this is incredible. We'd love to have you back. There's a lot of threads that we kind of left maybe just opened a little bit and we can ⁓ dive deeper into that in another conversation. But ⁓ thank you so much for the time. I have one final question for you. It's a recurring question that I ask every guest, but before we get to that, Carleen, how can people find you? speaker-0: ⁓ thank you. You can find me on my website at Carleen Marie dot com. Carleen Marie dot com. I'm also on Instagram at the Carleen Marie and Facebook and LinkedIn too. But for the most part, ⁓ most of people reach out to me through my website and I do coaching and speaking and the book is coming out September twenty second on Amazon. Yeah. speaker-1: Very exciting. Yes, we'll have the ⁓ link to your website and your social channels in the description. So if anything that we talked about resonated with you and you wanna engage with Carlene's other content where she dives a lot deeper, ⁓ there's only so much that you can cover in 40 minutes. So if you want to go deeper into Carlene's work, obviously check out her book and her other content. ⁓ it's incredible. You're very active on socials, you're a good follow. So highly recommend everybody goes checks that out. ⁓ links are all in description. So Carlene, my final question for you, as I mentioned, is a recurring question that I ask every guest. But Carlene, if you had a giant billboard that everyone in the world could see for ten seconds with like one message to the world, what would it say and why? speaker-0: You are enough already. That would be the predominant billboard sign. And I would add underneath that that you think it's just you. But it's not. It's just a pattern. And patterns can be challenged and changed. speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah, you are not your patterns. But your patterns create your life. There's something interesting there. But yeah, you are enough already. Yeah, I think ⁓ you know, that's the first belief that you need to pick up in order to, you know, believe that you can change, right? And believe that you can go and build the life that you want. So you are enough already. Carlene, thank you so much for the time. speaker-0: Ian, thank you. This was a gift. I appreciate you. Thanks for the great conversation. speaker-1: Thank you for listening. My main takeaway from my conversation with Carlene is something that I never really considered before. And it's the idea that these old patterns or these, you know, bad habits that we want to change oftentimes started as a protection or they served us at some point. Right. Something like people pleasing, which is something that I still struggle with, ⁓ have helped me in the past, right? Helped me to feel accepted ⁓ or safe at some point. even if this idea doesn't serve me anymore. But like, you know, we're pattern machines, we're we're habitual creatures. ⁓ so these patterns, these habits that I pick up at a young age, you know, they stick with me. Right. So we need to be really intentional about using things like Carlene's compass method to make the changes that we want to make. Right. And that changes this idea, this understanding changes how I personally think about patterns that I want to change in my life. Right. Instead of only asking, you know, why I keep doing it and flagging flogging myself over and over. I can also ask what that pattern was trying to protect me from. And ⁓ that gives me a better place to start. And it's, you know, it's a better way to treat myself, I guess. If you want to get connected with Carlene Marie, you can find her links in the description of this episode. You can also purchase her new book, Enough Already, at the link in the description as well. If you're on a coaching program course or you're an author and you want to ⁓ help more of your clients to get results and engage with your ideas I put a free resource in the description that will help you build more execution support into your program and help you to get your clients or readers better results. Thank you for listening, and I'll see you all in the next one.