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What If People Pleasing Is Fear In Disguise · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, it's Doc David with Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: And have you ever been accused of being a people pleaser?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: Or do you tell people that you're a people pleaser?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: Well, if so, stay tuned.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: We're going to talk about people pleasing today.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Hey all, it's Doc David.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Head Shrink Inc., another episode, and today we're going to talk about people pleasing.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I have never been accused, which I like that I've never been accused, but I've never been accused of being a people pleaser.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times people pleasing is seen by some as a good thing, by others as a bad thing.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: What I found is that people that claim to be people pleasers often think of it as a good thing, and then people that describe someone else as a people pleaser are describing it as a negative thing.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: So what I want to do is I just want to jump right into it and give some traits that I think relate to people pleasing.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so a lot of times some t listeners, you listeners may not realize that you're a people pleaser.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: And so if some of these traits fit you, then there's a good chance you are.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: And the end of the it's not the end of the world if you tend to be a people pleaser, because people love people pleasers because they're very willing to do whatever you want.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: They're very easygoing.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: They can be friendly, they I mean it it's it's a lot of if you're not the people pleaser, it can be great to no one.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: But if you are the people pleaser, it can be overwhelming.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't realize that why you're getting overwhelmed, then let's talk, let's figure this out.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: So there's these traits that a lot of people pleasers have.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I'm not gonna say that every people pleaser has all these traits, but if you know somebody or if you have a lot of these traits, there's a good chance you are.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: And so we'll talk about these traits and then we'll talk about some ideas on how to make life not seem so overwhelming.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, these traits are in no particular order, they're just kind of how I've written them out.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: So, one of the things that people pleasers love are new friends.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: New friends mean the world to a people pleaser.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: So they and the reason I think behind this is that these new friends don't know the people pleaser and then can't judge them.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's easier to be nicer to the people who don't know you well, there's less expectations, and a people pleaser is always looking for new people to interact with because then they can have new friends and they don't have these expectations, and so then if a people pleaser does let someone down, a new person isn't going to hold them accountable, like a person of five years who might say, Oh, just like you always do, you flake out or you don't show up on time, etc.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: etc.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: The new people, the downside of the new friends meaning the world to them is that the new people feel really wanted and like, wow, this person's really taking an interest in me and I'm feeling good about myself.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: But the downside is that the moment other new people come on the scene, the people pleaser moves on to those new people.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: So you can see how that can be kind of confusing to people that don't really know this people pleaser.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Another trait that I've seen with people pleasers is that opinions of others are all important.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's because the people pleaser has a difficulty in how they view themselves and how they view how others view them.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: So validation from others becomes very important.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: If someone challenges a people pleaser, they will avoid that person at all costs or eliminate them from their circle of friends.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I have firsthand experience with that.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: With there's there's a particular person in my life that definitely is a people pleaser.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: And so at some point I just kind of got tired.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a straight shooter.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: I try to be tactful in my straight shooting, and I called them out on their flakiness, and they kind of took ownership of it, but then immediately our friendship went away.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean it's it's sad, but I recognize it's because of a personality, and you know, some could say I'm abrasive, but I don't I try to be aware of my abrasiveness, and that's why I say I try to be tactful.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: And plus, if it's a if you have a friend that you you think, okay, this person cares about me and I care about them, I mean, why wouldn't you want to give them some feedback on how they interact with the world?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: So appearances and so opinions of others are important.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Appearances of is of utmost appearance to a plea people pleaser being cool, being the the latest trendsetter, being in the no with slang.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: They need to know, they need to make sure that they're doing the cool things.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so with the advent of social media, it's definitely become easier for a people pleaser to keep up appearances.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: And and if you have any type of social media account, you know the person that I'm referring to, and they may not be a people pleaser, they just may have low self-esteem, where every post or almost every post of theirs shows them in a glorious light or shows them being able to do something that's so cool, and then it's often so grateful for blah blah blah, so humbled to be blah blah blah.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so I I would I would suggest that people that don't show both sides of the picture are probably people pleasers.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like for me, I I I purposefully show so I have lots of kids, and so I purposefully show that having lots of kids isn't all glorious and fun.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: There's challenges in it, there's potty training, there's messes that happen, there's disaster, things get broken.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know, so there's two sides.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you just consistently see this one side on social media of this perfected life and these kids in perfect poses, chances are that is a people pleaser.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: So confrontation is avoided by people pleasers.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: No one particularly likes confrontation, and I've I've been told several times, oh David, you like confrontation.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: I don't I don't like confrontation, I don't seek it out, but I I tend to engage if in such in conversations if I need to, and if it's a confrontational conversation, I mean it makes me kind of nervous, but uh I'm not going to avoid a conversation that could potentially make a relationship go deeper.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: A people pleaser will lose sleep because of a potential confrontation.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: They have this desire, this just burning desire to be appear cool or hip.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: Shallow relationships are great for people pleasers.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: And so deeper relationships take work, and work meaning serious conversations about offenses, or hey, why are you doing that?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: It it could appear this way, or when you said this thing, it was hurtful to me.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: So serious deeper relationships take, you know, often include confrontation or critiques of behavior from both sides.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: And so because a people pleaser does not want that confrontation and does not want to be critiqued and cannot handle the critique, they they avoid confrontation.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's thus these quote-unquote deeper relationships never get deeper because a people pleaser just can't handle that deepness usually.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: So time management doesn't exist for the people pleaser.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: So they're constantly moving, they're constantly doing things, they're constantly interacting with people.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: And so this is a little bit deeper of a thought about people pleasers.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: So they avoid rest, which then could possibly lead to self-reflection.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: And when a people pleaser has to, like when we all in general do self-reflection, we generally speaking try to find things that, okay, I'm good at these things, and there's oh, there's these things that I'm not good at.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: But usually when you when you think there's these things that I'm not good at, you want to be better at those things.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: But the problem with that is take it takes commitment, it takes possible confrontation from another person, it takes critiques from another person.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so a people pleaser is they are avoid, I think they avoid self-reflection.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: And so a way to avoid self-reflection is to always be busy with things.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: They make commitments to others that will consistently get they'll get out of or they'll not complete.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: They will look good initially for the fact that, oh, uh, they wanted to be involved in this thing, but then you know, something came up and it sounds like it's a perfectly legitimate excuse on why they can't keep the commitment.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: The problem is that's the thing that keeps happening time and time again.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: So they make ten commitments to something, and they get out of seven of those commitments because of, oh, well, my husband, et cetera, et cetera, or my wife, dot dot dot.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I think in my experience, what I found is that the people pleaser often would use a husband or wife as a reason they couldn't do X.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: And and it's it was almost comical because the people pleaser was the one who set up this whole big event, and then they don't even attend to it.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like all these other people get involved, and then the people pleaser doesn't even get involved.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so that that's a classic sign of a people pleaser, this this inability to commit to things in a consistent manner.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I understand that there's going to be times that we we plan to do something, and then something does come up, family related or kid related, but if it happens consistently, chances are that person or you are a people pleaser.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if this is hard to listen to, and if you're thinking, no, David, you don't know what you're talking about, trust me, I've been doing this for a long time, and I it's not like I just kind of made these up.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: I think if you feel that, if you feel like I don't know what I'm talking about, or that that can't be me, I I don't I I don't have any of these issues.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: But if you do have some of these issues, if you do some self-reflection after listening to this, I'd encourage you to start thinking a little bit deeper and and come up and we'll talk about some ideas that maybe can be helpful for you to maybe change your ways if you want to change your ways.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's totally up to you.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: You may you may not want to, and so then don't.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I I think that there are strengths that people pleasers have, but then there's challenges that they have as well, just like any kind of personality.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: Being nice is more important than being real, is another trait of a people pleaser.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: So they get they get stuck emotionally because they're compelled to be nice instead of expressing how they really feel about things.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's I think how they really feel about things comes out in their actions.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: So they avoid, they disconnect, they don't commit to things, but they will say verbally, you know, oh, this is great, I really want to do this, or oh, that's so sweet that you did this, or oh, look at your family, it's they're so amazing that they did this, I want to join them.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: But then the actions show when they don't join you, when they don't interact with you, when they don't like a post about something that you said on talked about earlier in the week.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: The actions actually show how they really feel.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: So if they here this is the this is the rub for them, because if they were to express how they really feel, someone may not like it, which then could lead to a possible confrontation.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: And so then this possible confrontation would lead to a people pleaser feeling overwhelmed because somehow they're less of a person if someone were to think poorly of them.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: So you can see, like, if you think about that, you can see that circular kind of trap that they get that a people pleaser gets caught in.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if they really speak to how they truly feel about something, then it seems like they should go and talk to whatever person they're annoyed with.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: But if they talk to that person, there's going to be pushback, and they want to avoid conversation confrontation, so they don't go and talk to that person, and they don't have a deeper relationship with that person, and it stays shallow.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so you can see it's like this cyclical thing that happens, and they just get stuck in this weird emotional personality relationship thing that they have with other people.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: So, anxiety, a final trait is anxiety and discontentment.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: So, do I I believe due to the constant pressure to perform and keep up appearances, a people pleaser often suffers from anxiety and discontentment.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so this again is part of this pattern that plays out where they have this anxiety and discontentment.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so, if they can just keep busy and doing the fun things, that will help them avoid discontentment.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: And that will help them avoid kind of that self-reflection again.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: So the problem is a lot of these mental, these are mental health issues, right?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: The anxiety anxiety for sure is a mental health issue.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: The discontentment can potentially lead to depression.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: So these issues can often go unrecognized and be seen as the people pleaser is simply it's just a fact of life.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: But the problem is it can affect family relationships in a very negative way.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I've seen that firsthand with a couple people in my own life that I would say are people pleasers.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: And one of them at least is acknowledged, yes, that they are a people pleaser.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: And the problem is, so now here's here's the challenge.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a problem.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the challenge.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: If you run into that type of personality, they need your help and understanding and not your confusion and confrontation.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: So the the challenge, it'll be difficult to go deep and help the person see where they need the help because they're perfectly fine with this type of way that they interact with the world.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: And again, it's their choice.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: If that's what they want to do and if that's how they want to interact with the world, then that's that's on them.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: You as a friend potentially, though, have an opportunity to sit down and talk with them and say, hey, I noticed this thing about you, and I'm wondering if that's something you'd be interested in exploring a little bit more.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: The problem you run in there or the risk you have is that that potentially leads to some self-reflection confrontation, and that may be the very last conversation you have with them.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: But that's but that's fine because I mean, again, it's their choice, and if if they want to go down that path, that's the path that they go down.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: Now, so now if you are a people pleaser and you're hearing this for the first time, and it's you're thinking, oh my goodness, I there's some of these traits that fit in my life.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: What can I do to make things different or do things differently?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: So so I think that the first thing I would suggest to you is find a find a friend that you interact with on you know a day, maybe even daily or weekly basis, and be brave and have a conversation with them about yourself.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: And say, hey, I noticed these things about me.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: And what do you think?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: Is this a possibility?
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: Now, this will be scary.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: There's no doubt about that.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's scary just in general to talk to people about yourself and give people a chance to critique how you interact with the world.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's scary for me.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: And and so, because who wants to be told, oh, when you do this thing, it's really horrible?
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: No one wants to be told that.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: So I think as a people pleaser, it would be a great first step for you to start a conversation with someone that you trust.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: Now, that could be a spouse, that could be a family member, cousin, aunt, uncle.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: It could be somebody that you maybe aren't close to, that you know what, you want to get a different perspective.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: I I think ultimately it it means you have to have a different kind of conversation with somebody.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: And there is that somebody out there that you have come across.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's where I think a good place to start is.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: Another place to start is just even recognizing that you may have some of these challenges, some of these personality types, personality things going on in your life.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: And if so, they're not there's definitely things that they are their strengths for certain things, but a lot of times for like close relationships, they're not strengths, they're they're challenges and weaknesses and etc.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so my encouragement to you would be like recognize that, and the first step towards recognizing, like, you know what, this is probably true in my life.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if you make commitments, but then you don't follow through on your commitments, just call it what it is.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't follow through on my commitments well.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: Or if you're always late to something, time management is an issue, just acknowledge it.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: Say, time, I am not a good time manager.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I need to figure out why that is.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: Now, you may be completely comfortable in it.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: Chances are you've had some relationships that are ruined because of these things that you are completely comfortable in.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: And if that's fine with you, then keep doing what you're doing.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: But if it's not fine with you, I would start acknowledging some of the shortcomings that you have in your personality and then go start having a conversation with somebody, a close friend.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_01: Or if you don't have a friend, I mean there's a competent, there's lots of competent therapists out there that can kind of give you some direction on how to possibly change some of the traits that you have gotten stuck into.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: Hope that's been helpful.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: You can find me at DocDavid on Facebook or David Simonson.net, or you can email me at headshrinkinc, that's headshrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: Looking forward to talking to you next time.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: And if you have any questions or comments, feel free to email me and we may talk about it on the air.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: Take care.