Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / From Wound To Wisdom: Reclaiming Your Worth

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From Wound To Wisdom: Reclaiming Your Worth · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, child and adolescent psychotherapist, and in this third episode we conclude the series, and episode three is entitled Recovery, The Return to Self.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what this means is that it isn't simply about leaving the abuse.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I say this because many people who leave these kinds of relationships still carry the remnants of the abuse and they replay it.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not wrong.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: It is concerning.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost as if they don't even need to have the abuser in the same proximity for the pain to recurrently self-trigger.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: So what this really means is we are looking at a process that has to do with restoration, with experiences that undo the damage to identity, self-worth, trust, safety, voice, and emotional stability.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And healing or recovering means rebuilding these from the inside out.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now, one of the things I think I haven't focused on too much is the idea that when we look back at our relationships, as far as we can, we will often see a theme, a pattern.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I think for people who have a pattern of being in relationships that are damaging, it's certainly not a conscious wish, it's not a conscious intention, and neither is it a fault.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: But certainly in the consulting room, I'm keen to understand these patterns and their origins.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason that I want to do that is because I think there is a there is a primary psychological foundation difficulty.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: There was a book written by a woman called Judith Viors, and it was called Necessary Losses.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And she refers to these patterns, and what I liked about her her take on it was that she wasn't being in any way critical or or accusatory.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: What she was saying was that every revolution of the site that cycle of behavior was an attempt to try and resolve something.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Almost to kind of it will be better this time, only to discover no, it isn't.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: So that's that that doesn't in any way change anything that I've said because I but I just think that part of recovery includes looking back at some point, thinking, now, how did I get here?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: So the return of dignity, and that question, how did I get here, is actually a very dignified question.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: The return of dignity sees the woman saying, I met her, my feelings are real, I deserve safety, I deserve respect, and I'm not broken.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the emergence or the re-emergence of the authentic self.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: During abuse, the self shrinks.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: In recovery, it expands again.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: She begins to rediscover her voice, her preferences, her strengths, her boundaries, her emotional truth, and most importantly, her worth independent of the abuser, and in fact, I would say independent of anyone else, because I believe a person's worth cannot be defined by another.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: It is an independent state of being.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm interested in the word trauma or the use of the word trauma because it's a Greek word that refers to shock or wound.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I think people very often say that something was traumatic, and and I'm not questioning that, but normally what we refer to is one of two things: either that the experience was outside of the normal range of human experiences and it was characterized by certain things that will have caused significant damage to the person, or it will be as a result of repeated exposure to those things which have eroded the person's sense of self-esteem, integrity, safety, may have increased or maintained positions where fear, shame, humiliation was concerned.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now, those that's like a series of cuts.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if we if you think about a surgical procedure, there they will involve they will involve trauma, physical trauma.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's used in the medical context.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the mind is just the same, and it can experience trauma, wounds.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if those wounds haven't been addressed, then the probability is that they will heal badly and there will be scar tissue.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And what we know about scar tissue is that when it's touched, it hurts.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so the point here is that scar tissue in a psychological sense is something which we have to try and avoid developing.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: So the process of recovering from trauma does mean re-entering into where the wounds were sustained and learning how to pay attention to them.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And quite often we do that with someone else, we don't do it on our own.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now the work isn't linear, there'll be good days, hard days, memories, triggers, doubts, but healing continues beneath all of that.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the deepest realizations in recovery is this.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: I survived something that tried to erase me, and from this survival grows strength, compassion, clarity, and wisdom.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't just recovery, this is transformation.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you are here now, if you are rebuilding yourself, you're not damaged, you are wounded, but you are healing and repairing.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: You're not weak, you're not recovering from physical injury, you are recovering from psychological injury, where the damage is often invisible.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're not starting over, you are reclaiming yourself.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that is one of the most powerful journeys a human being can make.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now, recovery from abuse moves through these three stages: the realization, the reckoning, recovery.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: The realization is seeing the truth, the reckoning, reckoning is resisting the control, and recovery is reclaiming dignity and selfhood.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: If this series has resonated with you, know this.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve safety, you deserve truth, you deserve peace, and you deserve to be fully yourself.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And here's a closing thought.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: The more who recover, demonstrate to others who are not at that point yet that it is possible, it is survivable.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to be a stuck victim in this situation.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can survive, you can recover, and you can help others.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening, and I do hope that these three podcasts have been helpful for you.