Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Picky Eating In Kids: A Controversial Approach

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Picky Eating In Kids: A Controversial Approach · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi, everybody, and welcome to this episode of the doctor.
0:08
Psych mom, show today, I had a reader request about his toddler
0:12
who is very sweet. Happy little child, but does not
0:16
want to eat as many things as he used to eat.
0:20
And they are worried that he's not eating enough and of enough
0:24
variety and are there ways to increase the variety of what he
0:27
eats. So I can certainly speak to that
0:30
other people have asked that before, but if you would like me
0:34
to To do this and other controversial topics.
0:37
I mean, I'm laughing but it's not funny like pinky eating.
0:42
If you talk about piggy eating now, it's like more
0:45
controversial than me saying that women should have sex
0:49
within marriage which somehow is also controversial.
0:52
I mean, the controversial level of what goes on today is beyond
0:55
me, but somehow it's become very controversial.
0:58
So if you'd like me to keep tackling these hard-hitting
1:02
topics, then please do subscribe.
1:05
So that you can hear all of the other topics that I tackle on a
1:08
regular basis, many of which are on PC.
1:11
Apparently, this is a non-pc one because of the anger.
1:16
And if you're a man, half my listeners are menu.
1:18
Well, I mean, if you're a man married to a woman then you do
1:21
know this probably. But the idea that kids should do
1:24
anything, they don't want to as I've discussed.
1:27
So frequently is Major Touchstone of controversy and
1:33
today's parenting. Oops.
1:35
So the idea that anybody would ever try to change a picky eater
1:40
except very secretly using their now actually, consultants for
1:44
picky eating. It's hilarious.
1:46
So, like, whatever I tell you here is what they do but they
1:48
like smiling a lot more and you pay them.
1:51
But anyhow this is like a major controversial idea to ever make
1:57
a kid, do anything. They don't want to do, which is
1:59
why parents feel trapped like prisoners in their own lives,
2:01
ruled by the whims of a Tyrant King.
2:04
That is Two years old. And it doesn't want to be a
2:07
tyrant and isn't a tyrant but the parents are too terrified to
2:10
ever, tell them to do anything. So if again, if you would like
2:15
me to keep on talking about these to keep going there, that
2:19
used to be the tagline of Degrassi Degrassi High, it goes
2:24
there because it would talk about sex and stuff like that,
2:27
and like children dealing with like real world concerns.
2:30
So if you'd like me to keep going there, then please do
2:33
subscribe. So that you You can hear all of
2:35
these interesting. Mind-bending topics.
2:40
All right, so picky eating with your toddler.
2:43
So many people experience. This sort of anxiety, I would
2:47
say goes without saying, it's your first kid.
2:50
I would imagine I'd be shocked if it wasn't because then you
2:53
start to feel like they're going to starve to death.
2:55
If they don't eat as much as they aid when they were a baby,
2:59
they were grown super much. Remember this as they get bigger
3:02
as they become a toddler from a baby.
3:04
They have to eat less because they're not growing as fast.
3:08
They used to grow really really fast.
3:09
Remember what they were like as a newborn than like six months
3:12
and a year they stopped. They Trail off as a toddler in
3:16
how fast they grow. So this alone is useful
3:19
information for most people. They don't have to eat as much
3:22
as you think they do. So they you're not allowed to
3:27
say this anymore, but don't tell anybody, they do eat when
3:30
they're hungry. Don't don't share that one.
3:32
They do like net. People are like what What about
3:35
the kid with sensory issues? I would starve to death if they
3:38
didn't get chicken fingers. Listen, I've not seen that.
3:41
You know, that that is nothing that I've seen.
3:43
What I've seen is a parent's by chicken fingers.
3:45
The kid likes the chicken fingers and if they make us
3:47
think they get the chicken fingers, this is pretty, pretty
3:51
easy. To understand behaviourally.
3:54
There are certainly children that do not like the texture of
3:57
certain foods. They usually do not like them
4:00
because they have not been exposed to them frequently
4:02
enough, and they have too many other Options.
4:05
Nothing has to be everybody's favorite this whole picky.
4:08
Eating epidemic was never really an issue a couple Generations
4:13
ago, you know. So nobody has grandparents that
4:16
say, you know, there was this one time, my sister starve to
4:19
death because we were all eating around the dinner table and she
4:22
refused to eat anything ever and then she just died now.
4:25
That doesn't happen, doesn't happen now either quite
4:27
honestly, because as I said, the kid even eats when they're
4:29
hungry, but it didn't even used to be an idea that people would
4:34
have Eat Foods at dinner. So the first thing to do is to
4:37
get rid of this idea because having the kid each separately,
4:42
the whole day of following them around.
4:44
Do you want to cut up grape? Oh no.
4:47
Okay. Well, do you want this biscuit?
4:50
No, all right, well then, how about do you want this apple?
4:53
Slice know. Okay, so the whole day, you're
4:55
saying, basically, the world is your Smorgasbord icons.
4:58
My I exist to feed you tiny tidbits of things that you love
5:03
to eat more than other time. Tidbits of other things at that
5:06
given moment based on your whim. Check me out at 15 Ziplock bags
5:09
of all of these things in my purse because I'm a great mom
5:13
and I'm not I you know, I'm joking around, I'm not accusing
5:16
anybody of being like crazy parent.
5:18
This is what our culture does. Does this is like normal.
5:21
Like if you are go to a mom's group and you don't have like
5:24
two types of snacks available, you know then you're going to
5:26
feel like a weirdo but just because something is has taken
5:30
over. Everybody's brain does not mean
5:32
that you have to drink the Kool-Aid, right?
5:34
So if you're the more choices your kid gets for food, the more
5:38
they're going to Pig, they're not a moron like they get to
5:41
Pig, you give them 20 options, think about it.
5:44
If you basic social, psych research shows, this is true.
5:48
So you don't even have to think about it, but the more options,
5:50
the more unhappy people are with their choices in the more, they
5:52
regret them. They've done studies that show
5:54
view offer, somebody 30 kinds of cereal and they pick one and
5:57
then they rate how good it was? They rate it lower than if they
6:00
had two types of cereal to choose from or three.
6:02
I forget because they're Oh my God, I made such a bad choice.
6:07
There could have been all those other better flavors and you
6:09
know this if you've ever gone to one of those ice cream stores
6:11
would like 1 million flavors, you know and then you're always
6:14
like man I really should taste of the other one first.
6:18
I really should have stood there like even more of a dick I like
6:21
taste it like 100 of them. While the line backs up behind
6:24
me because I then could have gotten the perfect experience
6:28
for my taste buds and now I deeply regret it.
6:31
So these are obviously hashtag first world problems.
6:35
As are so many of the ones I discussed, but the point is
6:38
here, the more choices, your kid has the more unhappy and
6:41
difficult, they are going to be with what they eat also.
6:44
As they said, if the whole day, they are getting their special
6:47
Foods on their special schedule then of course, they think
6:50
they're it's all about what they like that's the whole point.
6:53
However, how do you counter this family dinner and family meals?
6:57
We all eat the same thing at the same time and that's a positive
7:00
time for our family, right? So if dinner time is Mommy,
7:04
Daddy and your toddler eating altogether and he gets a little
7:09
plate of what you eat. This is what I've done, always
7:12
with my children and there's no, I don't eat this because it's
7:17
not in the culture. People are so big on accepting
7:20
cultures, right? And different cultures.
7:23
So nobody would say that you would go into Japanese home
7:28
where they are eating sushi. And instead, everybody should
7:32
have matzo ball soup because that's a Jewish.
7:34
Culture thing like that would be considered like super bad for
7:38
somebody to try to inflict their culture on somebody else's
7:40
culture. It's understood that children
7:43
grow up eating, whatever their culture eats, and that, that is
7:48
normal. And they don't have to be
7:49
offered things from other cultures because that's
7:52
culturally, you know what their this is their culture.
7:55
You see my point obviously, so make your own family culture,
7:59
whatever the hell you eat is your family culture.
8:03
That's your We meal. So if you and your spouse are
8:08
eating tacos, the baby gets a little taco.
8:10
If you're eating a salad, the baby gets a little salad etc.
8:13
Etc. Etc.
8:14
This stops you from being a short-order cook, there doesn't
8:16
have to be chicken, strips chicken nuggets, whatever the
8:19
hell you're eating that, you mentioned that the baby doesn't
8:22
eat anymore. Just they get a little version
8:25
of what you eat. And if it takes them two days to
8:28
not eat much guess what? Homeostasis they're going to
8:31
make up for it by eating more, the next couple of days.
8:34
So at 2017, my family went vegan and my daughter alerted me to
8:39
the animal issues and the ethical issues with it.
8:42
And I looked it up and she's lo and behold, correct.
8:46
And I should have looked into it more, honestly, previously.
8:49
There's I know this is a tangent.
8:52
I myself as a highly sensitive kid, not raised in an
8:55
environment where that was good. And so when I brought up the
8:59
animal cruelty, as so many highly sensitive kids do, I was
9:03
told to be quiet and There was really no option on exploring
9:07
that further so that when my kid comes to me, I was like, all
9:11
right. Well I'm gonna, you know, look
9:12
into this again and lo and behold, factory, farming, etc,
9:15
etc. And she's pretty much correct
9:17
from my perspective so we became ethical vegans, right?
9:21
And did my kids ever skip a meal know, like, we ate dinner.
9:26
Dinner is what I make for dinner.
9:28
We dinner. If you don't eat dinner, you're
9:30
going to be hungry. So you eat dinner, there's no
9:33
problems with eating dinner. They're just like there's no
9:35
problems with kids, usually eating their lunch at school
9:38
because it's their only option. Just like there's not problems
9:43
with kids eating lunch, when they go to boarding school or
9:46
usually, to another person's house or to Grandma's house for
9:50
Thanksgiving or whatever. When there is, one option kids
9:54
eat it. Do they eat everything on their
9:56
plate every time? Know, should they probably not?
10:00
Because most parents put too much on the plate out of anxiety
10:03
that the kid will be So the other.
10:06
So when I'm talking about these people that get paid to tell you
10:09
the advice that I do they may dress it up a little bit more.
10:12
So they say well we're going to do people get paid money for
10:15
this. So if anybody's looking for a
10:16
career change, well we're going to do is we are going to
10:19
introduce some new foods that build on the foods that Jimmy
10:23
already eats. And we're going to do it in a
10:26
super positive environment and basically what they do is create
10:31
a culture where we eat new foods.
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Now this Sometimes parents have to look in at their own behavior
10:37
because they are very picky eaters.
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Most picky eaters come from picky eater parents.
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So when the kid says, no, I don't want to eat this.
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The parent thing so well, I don't want to do it.
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I don't want to do either so you know, I got it.
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And instead they don't think what in my life doesn't go well
10:49
because I'm so picky and various regards.
10:52
I saw a synonym on one of these websites.
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I was just Googling to make sure these people exist and I didn't
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have a dream about them that they actually are real cuz I
11:00
think somebody mentioned them to me in a session once getting a
11:03
picky eating consult for the Anyway, it's also called anxious
11:07
eating. So that is great.
11:10
I hope that it really starts to become anxious eating because as
11:13
a term because it's true, it goes with anxiety.
11:15
And as I said in my picky eating metaphorical podcast about how
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picky eating is bad for your relationship.
11:21
The picky eating people that I see it always goes along with
11:24
picky about many other things, including guess, what sex and
11:28
other physical activity that requires texture.
11:31
So, you know, if you do not If you want your kid to stop being
11:35
a picky eater, but you yourself are saying, no, I don't know if
11:38
I want Italian tonight, I don't know this.
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This thing, this is like a major source of contention for people,
11:45
I've never really understood it and I'll tell you why, because I
11:48
was a super picky eater raised by a picky eater that magically.
11:52
By the way, was not a picky eater when my parent was
11:56
younger, because it wasn't an option in that generation.
12:00
So they eat everything. And then all of a sudden as an
12:03
adult decided I Alright, I'm just going to eat like three
12:06
things so of course then my picky eating was reinforced.
12:11
Oh okay. So you'll only eat this and this
12:13
well then fine. So I myself as a child when I
12:17
got older like about, you know, Elementary School age, Middle
12:20
School age. I was like, this is terrible.
12:22
I don't want to be a picky eater, I can never fit in.
12:24
I'm going to teach myself to eat everything.
12:26
So that's why it's so ironic that.
12:27
Now I'm an ethical vegan because I'm somebody who taught
12:29
themselves to eat, literally anything.
12:32
And now I will leave literally anything Think that's vegan only
12:36
but my kids to will eat basically anything.
12:40
Now my oldest when I was a more anxious parent, she had a
12:44
problem with grapes because she didn't like the texture so so
12:48
I'm like, oh my God, she has you as a she has a preference, put
12:51
it on a throne, it's a preference.
12:53
Let's dress it up in a row because it's a preference of and
12:56
oldest child. Oh my God, I have to do it.
13:00
Obviously didn't occur to me. I could of course keep giving
13:03
her grapes But I didn't and so guess what?
13:07
She never ate them again. And in fact developed this like
13:10
whole thing, they're so disgusting.
13:12
Well, guess who hate grapes the other week?
13:13
Because I said to her, hey guess what?
13:15
You know, if you go somewhere, you know what's in Fruit Salad?
13:17
Great. You know what's rude leaving
13:19
shit on your plate. You know and somebody gives you
13:21
a portion of something don't be like weird and you got to like
13:24
fit in it people's food, you know.
13:26
So she went and she ate some grapes and she looked a little
13:29
grossed out that she's like hey look I did it.
13:32
I did it. I ate them.
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I said, good job. Job.
13:35
And so Vasa phobia was eradicated and sometimes, you
13:39
know, as kids get older they'll understand this oh, don't be
13:42
picky, people kind of don't like that.
13:44
People like people who go with the flow people, like people who
13:47
can eat it any restaurant, but going back to the thing when
13:50
people are like, oh my wife, so many guys say, this is so funny.
13:54
There must be guys, that act like this but I never hear about
13:57
it. But guys, will be like, I'm
13:58
always asking her where we're going to eat and she says
14:01
anywhere you want, but then I say Italian she says.
14:03
No, Then I say He says, no, that is a Japanese.
14:06
She says, no. And then I say all of these
14:08
things and she says, no, well, guess who's perpetuating the
14:11
picky eating with your kid. I'll give you no guesses.
14:14
It's her. She's so picky.
14:16
Right? And like, what is even going on
14:18
with that? Like, that should be a podcast
14:20
in and of itself if nobody should be wasting.
14:23
The one life that they get arguing about what to eat,
14:26
directly communicate the one, who's the picky are can just
14:29
say, I will only eat this sandwich.
14:31
So, so we can be done forever, because I will only eat Eat this
14:34
sandwich every single night and I will take the sandwich in my
14:37
purse and eat it covertly while you can enjoy a range of other
14:40
Cuisines and or I could just like each it at restaurants and
14:44
focus on the atmosphere and the date, which is, of course.
14:47
What I would say is the healthier more flexible, more
14:51
relationship, friendly way to operate.
14:53
So the number one thing is I always say is kids, don't do
14:57
what you say, they do what you do.
14:59
So if there is any culture of pickiness or putting your
15:02
preferences on a pedestal at Home by either of the parents.
15:07
Then what's the kid going to learn the same stuff?
15:09
They're not stupid, they learn what to do from you.
15:11
So if you want to get rid of picky, eating eradicate, any
15:14
picky eating in your house, have it, a culture that we try new
15:17
foods all the time constantly? We try new foods, whatever, is
15:21
on the plate, mommy or daddy made for us and we eat it.
15:24
And you say this is great to your wife, if she cooked it.
15:27
And she says, this is great to you if you cooked it and then
15:30
the baby learns to say this is great too because it's what my
15:33
kids say. Because they I hear somebody say
15:35
it you know and also you could also say that you can say, say
15:37
thanks for dinner, they say thanks for dinner parents again,
15:41
this so wraps up into all of my other podcasts about parents who
15:44
let their kids treat them badly. There's so many parents feed
15:47
their kids things. Not only do.
15:48
They feed them what they eat themselves.
15:50
They like make a special meal. They hand it to the kid and the
15:53
kid has a complaint. What?
15:55
Like, that's so rude. You say, thank you so much,
15:58
Mommy for making me the special food, you know?
16:01
I mean, Jesus Christ, if you go out of your way to cook a
16:04
special, Meal, at the very least should be a lot of appreciation
16:07
from a child at the age that they can speak.
16:10
But anyhow and that should be for, by the way, for cooking at
16:13
all because you don't have to do that.
16:14
Like, you could sit and eat cereal in front of the
16:16
television. But you are getting up and
16:18
making a nice meal for your family that everybody should
16:21
say. Thank you so much and if they
16:22
don't know how then you cultivate that you so I made you
16:25
this food. So please say, thank you and
16:27
that's teaching manners that will be very hard for anybody.
16:30
By the way, with low self-esteem that was raised by you.
16:34
No in a home where they were taught never to have any needs
16:37
or never to think too, highly of themselves.
16:40
They will have a lot of difficulty, telling a child to
16:42
be nice to them, but you need to start now otherwise, your
16:45
child's going to turn into a raging narcissist and you need
16:48
to Value yourself and respect yourself and your efforts.
16:51
And then teach your child, say thank you for this meal, you
16:54
don't have to love the meal West, you, you know, this is
16:58
nutritious food, eat it. This is our meal.
17:01
We enjoy our meal together, the major thing, by the way, is in
17:03
the food. It's the Station and us all
17:06
being together as a family and don't give them snacks.
17:09
By the way, very pragmatically, do not constantly.
17:12
This is the funniest thing people are like, oh my God, my
17:15
child didn't eat dinner. I'm so scared.
17:17
They're gonna die. They going to starve.
17:19
Oh, when did they last it? When is dinner dinner, 6:00,
17:22
when did they last finish their snacks?
17:24
While they finish their sacks at 5:00, when did they start their
17:26
snacks? A to beat it.
17:30
They have been eating all afternoon unless they are being
17:33
fattened up. To be a very He'll there is no
17:35
need for this. How in the hell is a
17:37
two-year-old three-year-old, four-year-old five-year-old, any
17:40
year old body going to be hungry for dinner if they're eating the
17:43
whole afternoon I'm not, you know, let's just be reasonable.
17:47
So we need to cut down some of the snacks.
17:49
I look at pictures of my oldest daughter when she was a baby her
17:52
face at some point. God completely round because I
17:56
was overdoing all of the snacks out of this anxiety, that for
17:59
one moment in her life, she could experience a hunger Pang,
18:02
don't be scared of hunger. Nobody's.
18:05
We're not talking about actual hunger.
18:07
Here, we're talking about a hunger Pang that indicates to
18:10
the body, a very healthy need to eat.
18:12
There are children. I believe that come of age,
18:16
never having experienced a hunger Pang and then being
18:20
completely dissociated from the basic feelings within their body
18:25
because their parents have never let them go without a snack for
18:27
long enough that they experience our hunger pay.
18:30
So anyway, if you want the real practical advice as a tldr for
18:34
Everything I've told you, dinner is a whole bunch of food that
18:38
everybody eats some of you know on their plate, right?
18:41
So the say, so the kid gets the same thing as you don't stress
18:44
about what off of that plate, they eat all of it should be
18:47
nutritious if you're serving it should be nutritious and they
18:50
eat and if they don't eat they don't eat if afterwards.
18:53
They're hungry. They get some more of dinner
18:55
because that's what dinner is. It's the last meal if you're
18:58
snacking constantly after dinner, this is not good in
19:02
general. This is usually Comfort eating
19:04
So you got to get rid of that at some point, so it's a real bad
19:06
for your teeth, you know, to be eating all night.
19:09
Usually that means and I know this from growing up in this
19:11
kind of house that the toothbrush and gets endlessly
19:14
delayed because the kid is eating, and eating and eating,
19:16
and then frequently kids don't even brush your teeth at night,
19:18
so they're going to sleep and then get snacks and snacks and
19:20
snacks and snacks after dinner so and then not brushing their
19:24
teeth which leads to dental problems.
19:26
It did for me, it does for a lot of kids.
19:27
So if you want to make it kind of basically a three meals a day
19:31
and one snack or two snacks, because it's a little too,
19:34
Toddler house, you can do that. And then the kid will actually
19:38
be hungry for meals. And the entire point of meals is
19:42
to come together as a family and eat together.
19:45
The same thing, that is what a family meal is.
19:47
And if you make that the culture, you stop stressing
19:50
about the kid, getting the protein or whatever kids, if
19:53
they are exposed to food enough times, they will eat it and they
19:57
will not even think about it. It will be an obvious thing just
20:01
like, they don't decide people, don't tell me, you know, my
20:03
child. They're going to sleep on the
20:06
table because, you know, it's an option.
20:09
No, it isn't. They sleep in their bed.
20:12
That is the furniture allotted for their sleep.
20:14
There's no kids that are wrapping themselves up and
20:17
sleeping on the dining room table.
20:18
Unless, of course, they saw a parent, try it and then much
20:21
like picky eating. They would decide that seems
20:23
fun, and I will do it myself. So if either you or your spouse
20:28
are picky eating, stop everybody eat the same thing together and
20:32
make family meals and thing and I promise, Thomas you that this
20:35
will become less of a problem in your household.
20:38
If you can stick to it during the two days that your kid
20:42
doesn't need very much for dinner.
20:43
And after that, their body says, oh, I'm hungry.
20:45
Got a store up more and they will eat the food.
20:48
That's kind of how it goes. It goes like that.
20:51
For me goes like that for many parents and used to go like that
20:54
for Generations. Millions and millions of people
20:58
did not ever cook special meals for their kid.
21:01
Their kid ate, some more of the things.
21:04
Like, in some less of the things that they didn't and overall
21:07
eight with the family at night. Dive also worked, by the way,
21:11
with kids who do have Specialties started coming
21:14
eating five, things ended up eating all the things dozens and
21:19
dozens and dozens of things, just because those were not
21:23
offered, because when a kid says that, they don't like it a
21:26
couple of times and does the anxious eating where they won't
21:29
try it, where they act like they have a gag and all these things
21:32
then, the parents decide. Never to do it again.
21:34
Again, much like any other fear, that's what, perpetuates it.
21:38
And keeps it going is when you let a child's fear, dictate what
21:41
they try, don't ever let a kids fear, dictate what they try.
21:45
People could have preferences. You could like one thing more
21:47
than another but if a food scares you then that needs to be
21:50
treated like a phobia and you could find one of these picky
21:53
eating people. You can go to a child
21:54
psychologist or you could try to use these principles of exposure
21:58
therapy yourself, cultivate a positive happy.
22:02
We try everything. We Meals with multiple
22:05
ingredients culture in the home, everybody stop doing their own
22:11
picky, eating in front of the kid at, or probably at all and
22:15
try new things constantly acting as though it's the same, as your
22:19
kid has a swimming phobia. If your kids are swimming club,
22:21
you don't stop taking them into the pool.
22:23
You go to the pool more and more, you start small and you
22:26
get bigger with what they do with the pool.
22:28
Anyway, I hope that this helped you out.
22:30
I hope and help some other people and I I hope that you
22:35
subscribe because of this and other hard-hitting topics that I
22:39
you know, fearlessly tackle on the doctor, psych mom show by
22:43
guys.