Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why You Can't Find A Partner After Divorce

Transcript

Why You Can't Find A Partner After Divorce · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:09
  Some people say that they cannot find a partner after divorce,
• 0:12
  and I'm going to talk about why that may be and dispel some
• 0:17
  myths and anxieties that people have about that process right
• 0:22
  after I tell you to subscribe. My most recent subscriber
• 0:27
  episode was how sulking when you don't get laid is as wrong as
• 0:32
  sulking if your kids don't listen.
• 0:34
  So that's a good one. And 150 others, OK, so you know,
• 0:40
  those are only 25% of my episodes, but they are a big
• 0:43
  25%. So that's hours and hours of
• 0:45
  listening if you guys subscribe, which is I think 899 a month.
• 0:49
  OK. So a lot of people are staying
• 0:53
  in bad marriages because they think that they can't find
• 0:58
  anybody after divorce. But forget about those people
• 1:00
  for now. Let's just direct it to the
• 1:01
  people that actually say that they cannot find anybody.
• 1:05
  Like I just saw some Twitter thread or something.
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  Some, some, some something was shared where somebody said that
• 1:11
  it was 20 years they had not been able to find somebody and
• 1:15
  and and so they wish that they found that they had stayed with
• 1:18
  their ex and people and you know, anti divorce forums or
• 1:22
  whatever. We're sharing that as evidence
• 1:25
  that people should, I guess just stay married because there are
• 1:28
  no other human beings out in the world And it's such a desolate
• 1:31
  landscape, you know, which is just certainly not true.
• 1:36
  But who are the people who cannot find anybody after
• 1:38
  divorce? They are close minded, rigid
• 1:41
  people. I mean that's God's honest
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  truth, right? I mean, if you want to find
• 1:45
  somebody, if you are somebody who wants to give love in A to a
• 1:50
  human being, not just somebody that you make up, that's
• 1:52
  perfect. So a lot of men will only date a
• 1:57
  woman who looks a certain way. And meanwhile they could be
• 2:01
  attracted to all sorts of women or, you know, to at least a
• 2:05
  wider range of women. But they will only date a woman
• 2:09
  that like, is a head Turner, you know, when they walk into a
• 2:12
  room, right? Or then some women want to date
• 2:14
  a man who has, like, an amazing job, makes a lot of money,
• 2:17
  right? And not just a job that makes
• 2:20
  money, but, you know, some job that her friends are going to be
• 2:23
  jealous about. And that brings us to, you know,
• 2:25
  an interesting point, which is that I've noticed that people
• 2:28
  who have trouble with forming relationships are people who are
• 2:32
  very anxious, and they care a lot about what other people
• 2:35
  think. They overstate how much people
• 2:39
  think about them and they think that people are judging them all
• 2:43
  the time. And so so therefore they can
• 2:46
  only find this perfect partner because they feel that the
• 2:50
  partner reflects on them. And therefore if they find a
• 2:54
  partner that is less than perfect and they are showing to
• 2:56
  the world that they are less than perfect.
• 2:58
  Now, of course, nobody's perfect.
• 3:00
  But people who are very anxious and image conscious have have a
• 3:04
  harder time finding somebody than others.
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  Now, they don't have to. This doesn't have to be image
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  conscious like somebody who looks like, you know, somebody
• 3:13
  off of reality TV that looks perfect.
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  And you know, in that way it could just be somebody who's
• 3:19
  image conscious in that they want only a person who has the
• 3:25
  exact same politics and the exact same preferences in in
• 3:30
  every way that their friends will say, like is the best
• 3:34
  person in the world for them and people will be jealous of them
• 3:36
  for this person. So and and they have to you
• 3:39
  know, they they don't have to look perfect, but they have to
• 3:41
  look a certain way. They have to do certain things.
• 3:44
  People who have a long, long list of these things.
• 3:47
  I've seen people that have like, like, you know, like Alyssa,
• 3:50
  like over 20 things, you know, that they would need in a
• 3:54
  partner. Nobody should have over 20
• 3:57
  things unless it's kind of different ways of saying
• 3:59
  basically alive and kind and honest, you know, I mean it.
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  You do not need a certain height.
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  You do not need a certain weight.
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  There are large, large ranges of things that could be, you know,
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  really attractive to you. So if you're only dating
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  basically the top 5% of possibilities, and of course
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  you're not going to find anybody you know.
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  And this is also the same people, by the way, that often
• 4:29
  have trouble with lots of things, right?
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  They have trouble with their job, they feel that they're not
• 4:34
  appreciated there, or they may have trouble with friendships
• 4:36
  and feel that they're not appreciated.
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  There's like kind of this feeling of being, as I call it,
• 4:41
  a professional victim and like your your intentions are always
• 4:45
  so good and you're so hard working, but then somehow things
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  don't work out for you and you do not get a reward commensurate
• 4:53
  with what you deserve. And the other way of saying this
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  is there's people with narcissistic traits, covert
• 4:59
  narcissistic traits, you know, that that just think that
• 5:03
  they're so awesome, they don't say it like that.
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  They may shit on themselves, but they're doing their fishing, you
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  know? So like a woman that says like,
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  oh, I don't know, I guess the guys just aren't attracted to
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  devoted moms. And then it turns out that,
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  like, they literally can't schedule a date, ever, because
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  they they will not do it anytime that makes sense to any other
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  human being. Even if the kids are, like, away
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  on a sleepover, like doing whatever those times they're too
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  tired or they have errands or they're meeting up with friends
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  anyway, you know, And so they can only meet somebody for like,
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  you know, a lunch date every other Tuesday at at 1:15.
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  And then they're like, oh, I guess the guys don't like women
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  that, that really care about their kids and put their kids
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  first. No, they don't like difficult,
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  rigid people, right? Or like a guy who says, oh, I
• 5:55
  guess that, you know, women don't, don't really like a hard
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  worker and he's a guy who's basically puts work above
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  everything and when you're trying to schedule with him a
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  date, he can only do it like 5 weeks out.
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  Well, yeah, like that. That that isn't why it isn't the
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  hard worker, It isn't the devoted mom, both of which
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  people find appealing. But it's the person who is
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  difficult and puts themselves and their schedule and their
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  preferences on a pedestal versus the other person.
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  Now, you know, some people say, but like, don't guys not want
• 6:26
  women with kids? I see guys.
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  I mean, first of all, like my husband married me.
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  I have three kids and you know, I've been divorced and
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  remarried. I assume everybody knows that.
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  But I get new listeners all the time that maybe don't.
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  And everybody I've known that's been divorced is a that is a
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  woman with kids is perfectly able to date.
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  I mean, it just has nothing to do with anything, really.
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  There's these memes. I mean, this isn't something to
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  aspire to, but you know, there's these memes of like a hot woman
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  with a little kid. And the the caption is, I never
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  knew I wanted to be a stepdad until I saw the twinkle of that
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  boy's eye and it's like this like little boy, but he's
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  standing next to like a real hot mom.
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  And so that's the joke. But the point is, if a man is
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  attracted to, he doesn't care if you have kids or not.
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  You know, and many people want to say that that's the reason is
• 7:17
  that they have kids. But the reality is that's not
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  the reason. There must be a different reason
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  because plenty of people with kids get remarried all the time.
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  Most men date age appropriate women, sometimes a couple years
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  younger, but it's not usually 20 years younger.
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  It's not usually 10 years younger.
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  It's usually a woman that's basically the same age and same
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  stage like goes to like people like to be known by their
• 7:38
  partner, you know. And then there's guys that are
• 7:42
  on the main page of Doctor Psych, Mom and the, you know, my
• 7:45
  Facebook group, You know, my Facebook group does not have
• 7:48
  these guys. These guys are on the main page,
• 7:51
  not the paid group, which you should all join blue subscribe
• 7:54
  button for 99 a month. But the main page is kind of a
• 7:57
  wasteland and it has all these guys that are like, oh, it's so
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  hard. Like you can't get a woman to be
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  interested in you after divorce because, you know, women hate
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  divorced guys with baggage. That's not true.
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  Like, it's just literally not true if you are a kind, warm,
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  interesting person. And by interesting I mean like,
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  you know, like you can communicate with another human
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  being and tell a story or engage, You know, it doesn't
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  have to be that you are world's Most interesting Man.
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  There are going to be women that want to be with you.
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  People like to pair bond. People like to be in love, you
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  know, if there is truly something.
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  The only other exception is, and that kind of reminded me of it.
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  The only other exception is there are some people that are
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  on the spectrum that find it really hard to connect and 1st
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  dates do feel really awkward because they really do not
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  understand kind of small talk and they really need to be
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  coached through stuff like that. In that case, there are people
• 8:53
  you could work with. Your therapist can help you, you
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  know, kind of figure out what you may be doing to turn people
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  off. But if it's you, you kind of
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  know it's you and that isn't like a dating after divorce
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  thing that it, it kind of it was the same when you were in your
• 9:08
  20s probably. You know, like it just is hard
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  for you to connect to people. It's hard for you to empathize
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  with people you know and so that then it's going to be hard like
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  relationships will be hard in general probably that's why the
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  marriage didn't work out in part, etcetera.
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  So if you are very bad with social skills and social cues,
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  you know, then that is something that you could be working on and
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  you could be with a therapist or coach that really helps you, you
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  know, kind of understand what it's going to be like on a first
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  date and and the sorts of things you should say versus not say
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  and people can learn to be better at those things.
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  It's a skill like any other skill.
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  You can build up social skills that is, you know, a different
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  sort of situation. And of course, some people say,
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  what if you're very, very unattractive?
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  If you're very, very unattractive, it's going to be
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  harder for you. Like, that's no no joke.
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  But, you know, most there's a pot for every There's a cover
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  for every pot is the saying. And especially in the days of
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  dating apps, you're putting your picture out there as long as you
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  have a realistic picture so that people do not meet you.
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  And then it's like what you used to look like 20 years ago or 10
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  years ago or, you know, whenever.
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  Then you're going to find somebody that thinks that you're
• 10:21
  attractive. It's just the truth.
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  People date people that they think are attractive, and
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  there's a wide variety of people who are attractive.
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  That's almost anybody's attractive to somebody.
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  Probably everybody's attractive to somebody.
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  So, you know, you just got to find those people.
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  And really the truth is, you know, you can with with apps.
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  Maybe you couldn't before if you were in a small town and you
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  were very the least attractive person in a small town.
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  Maybe it was hard. It's not like that anymore.
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  You could find the thousands of people at your fingertips.
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  So the point being that if there is an issue, it is usually one
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  of two things. Either your your standards are
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  like super perfectionistic and rigid.
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  You put yourself and your preferences and your needs above
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  whoever it is that you're even going on a date with, such as
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  being super rigid about scheduling.
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  Sometimes it's that you're ambivalent.
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  I have a whole podcast about that.
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  Like if you're like a single mom that doesn't really want a date,
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  you want to focus on your kids, but you think you're supposed to
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  date. So you kind of basically self
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  sabotage because you want to spend your time with your kids.
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  That's a situation, but your therapist can help you figure
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  out if that's you. But if the people that are
• 11:35
  genuinely trying to date, you know, I mean you can.
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  If you can't because you do not know really how to socialize and
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  kind of never did, then there are people who could help you.
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  Dating coaches and therapists you know can help you.
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  Therapists are are real good. I look through my not I look
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  through but I I I am shown my clients dating messages and all
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  that stuff all the time. You know and and I tell them if
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  they're saying something weird. You know like we say like was
• 12:03
  was that a good response or not As to the people who struggle
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  with that sort of thing you know and and and relationship coaches
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  people at my practice anybody can really help you if they're
• 12:13
  good with people. You can learn how to be better
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  with people from, you know, in kind of a regular way the way
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  that you would learn any other skill.
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  But the point that there are like, that men don't date single
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  moms or like, that's just not true, you know, I mean, it's
• 12:29
  just not. Or that women only date rich
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  guys. This stuff isn't true.
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  And why would you think that? Again, because you were raised
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  in a negative home, as I said, another podcast where kind of
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  there was not a lot of trust, there was not a lot of
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  positivity, there was not a lot of optimism.
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  And so now you're taking that kind of pessimistic style
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  forward and applying it to this stage of your life, when in
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  reality, people find dating after divorce generally to be
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  easy. In the age of dating apps, you
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  can. You can book yourself a couple
• 13:00
  of dates a week if you wanted to, any night that you don't
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  have your kids. And the people who have empty
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  nest aged who are empty nest aged, they can go out any damn
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  night of the week, you know. Are you going to find your soul
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  mate like instantly? Probably not.
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  Statistically. And you know there are many soul
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  mates, quote UN quote in the world, meaning just somebody who
• 13:19
  you really get along with, who's a good partner for you.
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  But can you find somebody that you enjoy hanging out with?
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  Yes. And if if all your relationships
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  or even early dating stage relationships end up in drama,
• 13:33
  that's a you problem. And then you want to get into
• 13:35
  therapy and figure out what you are doing to cause drama.
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  Because there are no low drama people that just consistently
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  attract high drama people. That's not a thing.
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  It takes two people to create drama.
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  And so if your things turn into drama, then you have to figure
• 13:50
  out why you owe it to yourself. And only after you do that deep
• 13:54
  work can you emerge into a place where you can then be a
• 13:58
  healthier partner. And spoiler, it's because you
• 14:01
  saw a lot of drama growing up and volatility and chaos,
• 14:04
  etcetera and fighting. All right.
• 14:06
  Well, I hope that this encouraged some of you who are
• 14:09
  struggling or maybe just encouraged you to be
• 14:12
  uncomfortable for a moment and think about your own world view
• 14:16
  and how it's impacting your success.
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  And then maybe you could work differently, work smarter, not
• 14:23
  harder. You could go see a therapist.
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  You could read some books about dating.
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  You know, you could actually try to interact in a more open
• 14:29
  minded and receptive way and kind of look through some of
• 14:35
  your your messages or your interactions and and think, man,
• 14:38
  did I cut things off at the past?
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  Because I just kind of closed on this idea that this person
• 14:43
  wasn't going to be good instead of opening my mind and meeting
• 14:46
  them, you know, whatever. So point being, it is not as
• 14:51
  hard as you guys think. And for those of you who it is
• 14:53
  hard, I gave you some concrete things to try or to think about.
• 14:57
  And of course I did find my husband on OkCupid, my second
• 15:02
  husband. And there were a lot of guys.
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  There's always a lot of guys out there.
• 15:06
  And I was a single mom as well. Or I I had three kids.
• 15:11
  And people say you can't even date with one kid.
• 15:14
  Could you could date, you know, with any number of kids?
• 15:17
  All right, talk to you all soon. Bye.
• 15:19
  Bye.