Latest / Bird on a Branch / Ep. 06 | The Black Sheep: Why What Happened to You Was Never Your Fault
Transcript
- Carrie: You'll know you're in the right place you are ⁓ breaker, a black ⁓ in your someone who ⁓ wounds and had to them on their own, or maybe you're on that journey. If that's you, stay with ⁓ because ⁓ have a lifetime. Of trauma, not saying that in a victim way, and that is not diminishing your experience or mine, but I'm saying that from an empowered stance because ⁓ am very much still in throes of ⁓ trauma ⁓ Challenges as you are. I to be a landing ⁓ in a hard world where is just a lot yapping and a lot of content ⁓ and a lot of overconsumption ⁓ a lot of numbing and lot of ⁓ people who call themselves gurus. This just real. ⁓ This is real, ⁓ and I ⁓ to. ⁓ Offer the tools that I have learned from my own experiences. And I'm gonna put it put this out here from the beginning. This is not going to be a perfect place, it's not going to be curated and polished, it's going to be raw and real, and there are trigger warnings. From the start, because I am going to talk about the things that I experienced that I've never shared before that include things like. abuse shootings and and accidents and sexual assault and all things. be warned. Please do not ⁓ because of the ⁓ Please only stay if if you feel called and and you want to learn ⁓ why these things happen, ⁓ you're doing here, why you have to suffer, and I'm not saying we only are here to suffer. That's part of something I really want to be clear about. are not here to suffer, ⁓ ⁓ soul comes with lessons ⁓ to ⁓ and of that ⁓ we to suffering. ⁓ More that. ⁓ But I to make sure that you ⁓ listen to intuition. on whether not you should stay and be a part of this channel this platform. ⁓ would love to a community ⁓ of ⁓ like-minded, soulful, hungry ⁓ who in transformation or looking for transformation, ⁓ or ⁓ are lost. maybe you are ⁓ and maybe you do feel seen. And maybe you do not feel heard or understood. I already said that, but like obviously that's a wound of mine. I am willing to bet that you found me because The universe sent you here because your soul is seeking something. So if that's you, see you, ⁓ understand you, and I promise you that what I can offer ⁓ value that will you understand you more and will help you understand your story more ⁓ and and how to make purpose out of your pain. And that's not because I'm a master, that's because I ha I am you wanna take guidance from somebody who's walked the path and is coming back from there. And I can say that I have walked that path 100 million times over I'm still walking path, ⁓ but gleaned tools ⁓ and realizations that wish I have ⁓ had. So much earlier on as a child when it all started, and I ⁓ but I'm willing to bet it's started for you as a child as well. I want to be, and I my intention with my own children and in my life is to be somebody that I needed as a child ⁓ ⁓ unconditional love. ⁓ had to reparent myself. ⁓ had to heal on my own. Not I have a terrible family, and I'm not saying my family definitely not perfect, ⁓ and I I will share more. ⁓ where I have boundaries ⁓ my social media, I'm ⁓ I'm high vulnerability here because some of things I have been through are really ⁓ unbelievable. And I have shared out boundaries, necessity boundaries of the rest of my family, ⁓ of my family. ⁓ Honestly, shame, ⁓ all the feelings that you've probably felt yourself. Maybe maybe something that you're here for, is to learn your emotions. That's something that I teach ⁓ my clients my one on one coaching. Is I have I've I've learned that most of us were not taught What we're feeling actually, what anger actually is, and what is beneath anger, because anger is actually a secondary emotion. of us are walking around with shame and guilt ⁓ fear ⁓ abandonment wounds ⁓ rejection wounds ⁓ ⁓ of failure and fear of success. ⁓ that's a thing. You ⁓ If any of this resonates, you are in the right spot. So this is hard for me. hard for me because ⁓ never want to come off ⁓ I'm ⁓ I look off, it's because ⁓ ⁓ ⁓ ⁓ I'm supposed to say. And so it can come off as ⁓ disorganized. ⁓ just me. ⁓ an Aquarius rising. I want to come off ⁓ as like woe is me. ⁓ That's of the reason why I never shared some of really icky stuff. That I've been through and have survived. And when I say survived, I'm telling you definitely have had more than one near death experience. Which is really hard to say. And have seen. And have seen the other side. And I have seen our creator. And I have ⁓ come ⁓ by Some days wonder why. If I'm being totally honest. It has not easy. But I'm assuming ⁓ here because it not been easy. So ⁓ I feel like I can't really dump thirty years of trauma in one video, ⁓ I think where I want to begin is the black sheep part, the psycho breaker part. I wanna I wanna I wanna remind you guys straight out of the gate of something I feel is very important that I learned on my healing journey from my experiences growing One thing your caretakers, if ⁓ if your are your caretakers for your whole life, or if you've had many caretakers, ⁓ th the thing that is certain ⁓ is that were children also. They were children also and One hundred percent of all of us walking around ⁓ ⁓ I am not here to excuse any behavior. I am not here to victimize anyone. I'm not here to victim shame anyone. Let's be very clear from the start. learned to have compassion for the many children, ⁓ children walking around the planet. Whether they are ⁓ versions of that, like I say to my clients, like ⁓ parents are grown, seven year olds walking around in a grown meat suit, aka your body. souls, but they're they're And so know ⁓ the depths my soul without ⁓ allowing permission how they might have treated that they are functioning from child, ⁓ wounded child within ⁓ that Did not get what they needed their parents. ⁓ this goes on and on and on, which is why it's called generational trauma. ⁓ pattern ⁓ the receiver of the experience or neglect of emotion or ⁓ or ⁓ of the mother-father wounds. You guys, the mother is self and the father is others. Your relationship with your mother. Is going to strain your relationship with yourself. And your strained relationship with your father is going to be projected into other relationships. That is a very, very simplified version of mother-father wounds. And I will dive deeper into a very specifics, more specifics in a in a episode ⁓ that. But ⁓ think it's I think it's important. To name what is at the very foundation of so many of us, all of us, it's safe to say all of us. We are the product ⁓ woundedness that comes from our caretakers very early on. So if that means You were born a highly sensitive person, just say, because I think I'm speaking to most of you. In womb of your whether you know her or not, whether she's here or not, God bless you, and whatever pain you've been through, you started to her wounds ⁓ in ⁓ the The ⁓ of mom ⁓ energetic imprint. From her mom and from her mom, and you get the point, that passes energetically into the womb. So it starts there. You may not believe me, but trust me it does. There is a we literally inherit, I don't mean genetically, ⁓ nervous system of our mothers, ⁓ belief system of our mothers. There is a rhyme and reason for the order that you were born, your siblings or not having siblings, your relationships with your caretakers, and your relationships are in your current your current life, whether it's with your own children, ⁓ partners, ⁓ friends, platonic, not ⁓ ⁓ you do with professionally, ⁓ ties back to what happened. you were a child. that you've experienced from the moment you were birthed Started to be clocked by your nervous system and our subconscious mind starts to collect data points that starts the building of belief systems. And the more that our nervous system scans my hand is yellow from supplements. on how sensitive you are, I really believe all of us are highly sensitive and I just think some of us spend more time numbing ⁓ others. ⁓ ⁓ sensitive people ⁓ pick up the cues ⁓ a room ⁓ the person the people that they love the most, aka parents, care caretakers, ⁓ then siblings, to ⁓ If they're safe. If you had a parent who is an addict, you as a child were so wise, you knew to pause, feel, see, and sense the energy of whether or not that parent was safe. If you had a father who was emotionally unavailable, never told you I love you, wasn't physically there or wasn't emotionally there, you learned that you had to find it other ways and you learned that you were on your own. ⁓ ⁓ is to ⁓ mother father, ⁓ but the of abandonment will manifest almost all the time as an adult. You guys This goes so deep. the news is that you are today that you're finding this, ⁓ this take as your sign. ⁓ Take this your sign that you have found a place where ⁓ you can to unpack ⁓ what you been through and why. ⁓ What is purpose of the wounds that you've experienced, why ⁓ you are way that you are, why your relationships are the way that they are. How to make them different. How to transform. How to start healing. do this ⁓ ⁓ day, but I want it, like I said, I wanted to offer ⁓ ⁓ ⁓ that more people, because not everybody can, ⁓ know, have a coach. I never had a coach ⁓ until like ⁓ 30s. Early Mentors, guides, be careful. Be careful about who you look to. There is no guru. I am not a guru. I am just someone a path. Unfortunately, fortunately, ⁓ experience began as young child. ⁓ I born with ⁓ ⁓ gut ⁓ What's in gut? The immune system. The immune system and also the sacral chakra ⁓ chakra and the root chakra and all the the the ⁓ enteric nervous and and autotomic nervous system and nerves and the vagus nerve runs through there and all of that. Runs how we feel the world. And those of us who are intuitive, sensitive, ⁓ seeds, etc., of information starts to build up and we start to become ⁓ empath, right? We're all empaths. ⁓ all empaths, but because we had to be. Because we did not learn ⁓ feel the the room that we were in and the people ⁓ that were to be taking care of us, ⁓ how would be safe? ⁓ How would keep ourselves safe if we did not feel ⁓ and for Of safety. is what you're doing today. ⁓ And I want you guys to stay and get to know what those signals are, ⁓ what body's saying, ⁓ what nervous system is saying, what your is saying. Because it's not just that you're broken. You're not fucking broken. Yeah, and ⁓ mean cuss I don't know if I need to be doing that, but like warning you guys. ⁓ I I I personally ⁓ Love that word. I think it's very express expressive. So it is what it is. you're not fucking broken. Okay? You are here with a mighty purpose. The fact that you were born. Think about the infinite that had to happen for you to be born today, in this time. If you are finding this, it's because you have a mighty purpose. It's because you were chosen. It's because you were chosen to break the cycles. It's because you were chosen to change the trajectory of your life. ⁓ is what I have been working on. If I did not do the work ⁓ to heal the things that happened to me, and I'm I'm healing, ⁓ not there's not an endpoint. It's a process that is ongoing. ⁓ a moving target, if I'm being honest. I I wouldn't be here. had of time where I wanted to not here anymore. ⁓ Many. ⁓ very too young. That's a trigger too, but it's the truth. ⁓ I had periods time where I didn't want to be here anymore. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the pain. ⁓ I couldn't take abuse. ⁓ I couldn't take assault. ⁓ I couldn't take threat to my life. I thought God wanted me dead. That's the truth. At one point I thought God wanted me dead. I know now that is a hundred percent not what was going on, but that's what it feels like sometimes. Why are you doing this? Right? How many times have you said that? Our soul up ⁓ certain lessons ⁓ the manifestation of those lessons ⁓ per your soul's journey. But am sorry for what you have been through because I it's been hard. First part of my life spent in physical pain. I know why. ⁓ I ⁓ chronic throat. I had constant stomach aches. ⁓ I most of my life on antibiotics because my parents didn't know about her and put me on antibiotics for my skin. My skin, ⁓ that's own trauma. If you've ever had skin issues, you know that it's traumatic. My skin a nightmare for many years. It's it's why created the ⁓ skincare line that I have now story for another day. ⁓ The real ⁓ first real challenge, started ⁓ as a T as an eleven year old or ten year old ⁓ I already did not feel enough because I was one of four ⁓ all ⁓ And I wanted was to be seen and understood and loved and heard as middle ⁓ The middle is the lost soul, the middle child is often the black sheep, the middle child ⁓ is often sex. Let me know if you're a middle child. It d you don't have to be to have wounds. It's just a very specific birth birth role. My one of my siblings decided that they just hated everything about me and started physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually energetically abusing me early on. I thought I deserved it because she told me so. Did say something? Yeah, I did. I finally said something. I finally said something because I felt like I couldn't hide it anymore. I remember one time Where my parents went out to dinner, left me with my sibling, and I think I was like ten. my sibling had ⁓ large party, ⁓ at that party many happened. It's one of the most vivid memories that I have. This is to talk about, so bear with me. ⁓ not only did I was ⁓ ⁓ of the males that came to that party, I also a physical beating ⁓ from sibling ⁓ after most left before my parents came home. She had drinking ⁓ and I grabbing my stomach because this is where I hold all of my attention. And if you don't know, I'm going through a current cr health crisis of the house crisis that has just happened in the last twelve months. But that ⁓ get see how scattered I am? ⁓ with me. ⁓ D H D, whatever. I came home and my s my sibling had hit me in the face with a beer can. parents asked me what happened, and that was the night that I told them. And I told them more than that. ⁓ told them that it's been happening, that every time they leave it happens. I told them ⁓ I was being hurt ⁓ ⁓ at school. ⁓ By her and her friends. were awful. ⁓ made me want to die. I probably fourteen I got the point where I was like, I mean, she hates and they hate me and everyone hates me and I'm useless because I was told so. ⁓ my parents did not believe me, guys. I don't think they could. I don't actively blame my parents, but I can still witness the truth to be able to heal from it. So my parents let it happen and let it keep happening for years. I think they know now, but they still won't acknowledge it. I speak on the state of my sibling because ⁓ trust karma is But that memory s I feel like it set off rest of the years of trauma I had. And I think that was like middle school when that happened, right? Yeah. ⁓ Sixth ⁓ I don't I don't really know how deep I want to go into single thing that happened, but middle school, ⁓ school, I ended up partying, skipping school, numbing out, doing everything I could ⁓ find a way to feel safe in my body. That ⁓ the of the beginning of father wounds when your father ⁓ doesn't you. ⁓ Don't believe you, doesn't approve of you, doesn't validate you like every child needs, start to act out and the attention that you need. So even if you have to get it negatively, that's what I started seeking from ⁓ in a negative ⁓ I started skipping school, started doing drugs, I ⁓ partied for years. ⁓ Numbing the pain, physical and emotional and energetic of the way that I felt the world so deeply because I found out later that I am highly psychic, like probably some of you. ⁓ all have ⁓ ability to see and ⁓ the deep knowing and that gut feeling. Those are all ⁓ that God gave us. We ⁓ are overwhelming. And so yeah, it was overwhelming as a child to feel the world the way that I did, and also have my family not choose me, me, ⁓ believe me, trust me, you know, call me a liar, ⁓ me ⁓ be hurt over and over again. I feel like they let it happen. I know they let it happen. ⁓ ⁓ ⁓ circling back to ⁓ Learning that my parents are also wounded children and their parents did the best they could with them, but they can only show up as far as they healed themselves. I know ⁓ my mother has her own wounds from her mother ⁓ an addict, ⁓ my father has his own wounds ⁓ being an oldest. Of many with ⁓ interesting health ⁓ issues their family, it's ⁓ complicated, so is your life ⁓ and so your family. And the reality is most of our families and most of the dynamics are very complicated, ⁓ but you not have to carry your wounds ⁓ to your or if you don't have children, ⁓ consider this the work. That will keep you from those cycles. You not have to feel alone, ⁓ broken, in ⁓ Maybe suffering from chronic health issues. ⁓ That's again, ⁓ how ⁓ mine as well. ⁓ Going the physical traumas ⁓ that after middle school and into high school. Shit that can't even imagine. Shit that I will I will talk about, ⁓ but to Like I'm not I'm not trying to dump it into one video. let's just let's just say ⁓ I mean, I ⁓ people don't even believe me. My closest friends who know this stuff don't even like like I don't even know if they believe me. But eventually my body, keeping the score of everything, broke down and I became chronically ill and which led to a near death experience. I'm jumping the timeline from school to ⁓ my second child just for a minute. Everything I had been through ⁓ up that point, ⁓ including shootings, fires, crashes. Led me to emergency brain surgery, you guys. I was Struggling with chronic health issues, Epstein Barr, chronic viruses. Felt like shit and still do. Most days But it's not because my body's broken, it's because it held the information that I never said out loud. I go to therapy? Yeah. ⁓ I did it work? ⁓ ⁓ your therapy work? I coach people in a trauma informed way, way different than cognitive behavioral therapy. But trust when I say ⁓ You are not here by accident. What you went through is valid. Your experiences are real. You are the experiencer and no one outside of you can tell you what is true and what isn't. That I say with conviction. want to share with you the deepest, hardest things because I ⁓ been able to transmute a lot of that and turn it into purpose. ⁓ because I'm special, ⁓ because that my path. ⁓ And feel like I am meant ⁓ to use voice in that way ⁓ so ⁓ you feel ⁓ like not alone for once. I want you to know it's okay to feel the way you do. It's valid to feel by the people that you were supposed to love the most. ⁓ did not do anything to deserve it. ⁓ did not ⁓ to suffer. ⁓ do not deserve to suffer. And so that was like so disorganized and all over the place. And I really hope somewhere the way this has resonated and I want to know I I am here to offer you ⁓ understanding tools, a place come, connect, ⁓ a Because life is This life is hard. And we have to walk each other home the end. ⁓ trauma is worse than anyone else's. ⁓ there are children ⁓ other countries going through absolute hell. ⁓ acknowledge that. ⁓ don't know why theirs is that way. I am not God. ⁓ just know our signed up ⁓ for lessons. And that goes for every human that was carnated in this time. So I want to help. I am able to help. And if you have found any value this disorganized Stay. if can find some healing here. And if you feel it resonates, don't stay. But I'm here to help. I'm to serve. part of negotiation and my ⁓ experience ⁓ was That if I was meant to come back, I told God if I was meant to come back, that I would serve and help others. And so that is what I am here to do. ⁓ ⁓ hope and pray, my prayer is that ⁓ find what you need here ⁓ this channel. And appreciate you trusting me. And I appreciate you having grace for my disorganized, messy self. Breathing the way through. Do this together. one that I want to ⁓ also make certain is that ⁓ you ⁓ You make a ripple ⁓ every in someone else's life. ⁓ And doing that, ⁓ you serving also. That means compliment. A helping someone whatever it is, be be to start the and embodying the person that you needed. ⁓ Stay with me, walk with me. We can do this. We can get through this together. love you guys. Whoever are. ⁓ Let's to know each other ⁓ and this together.