Latest / The Daily Sarcast / September 16th, 2026: NJ's Flooded Half Marathon, The Wild New Season Of 60 Minutes And My Personal Chaos

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September 16th, 2026: NJ's Flooded Half Marathon, The Wild New Season Of 60 Minutes And My Personal Chaos · The Daily Sarcast

• 0:00
  Today's episode is presented by I'm Fine, the app. The app that helps you pretend
• 0:07
  that you're emotionally stable.
• 0:09
  Did someone text you, are you okay? And you have absolutely no idea how to answer
• 0:14
  without starting a 45-minute conversation?
• 0:17
  Just open the app, I'm Fine, and choose from one of their patented response options.
• 0:23
  Totally fine. Just tired. Nothing. What's up?
• 0:28
  Or the classic, LOL, yeah, I'm fine, also comes with overthinking mode,
• 0:34
  which automatically rereads one text message 100 times and generates six possible
• 0:39
  interpretations of the word okay.
• 0:43
  And with their newest feature, should I text him, the app will make you wait
• 0:48
  20 minutes before sending anything, and then you can ask again, and again, and again.
• 0:55
  I'm fine. available on the app store because therapy isn't 24 7,
• 1:02
  having that name was good and bad michael douglas on his name insert theme song
• 1:08
  here this is the daily star cast i gave you the news and made me a laugh i'm
• 1:13
  lindsey vernick and today september 16th 2026,
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  in real news so this past weekend there was a half marathon in new jersey and
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  it kind of turned into a half water park This race was in Paramus,
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  and it got hit with several inches of rain.
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  But the organizers were like, we're just going to do this thing anyway.
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  The race ended up being delayed two hours because...
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  The rain was really bad, but they still held it. And at some point,
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  the runners were literally going through waist-deep water with strong currents.
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  And, like, you have to respect that. Because if you're running a half marathon
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  first, that's, like, really scary, obviously.
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  But then on top of that, have to run through waist-deep floodwater?
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  Like, no thank you. Like, let's go to brunch.
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  Which about 250 runners finish the race and prove that there is a very,
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  very specific type of person who still sees a flood in the middle of a half
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  marathon is like, I'm still doing this thing.
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  One of the runners described the condition as nuts, which kind of feels like an understatement.
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  Like they were literally swimming during their half marathon.
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  That should have been a triathlon or whatever the equivalent to a triathlon is.
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  The race was advertised as flat and a fast course, and technically they were right.
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  It was flat, and you could definitely move fast, but mostly because the current was carrying you.
• 2:49
  NASA's Curiosity rover just spotted something weird on Mars,
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  and they kind of look like a set of footprints.
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  So scientists don't know what made them, but obviously the internet has already
• 3:02
  decided that it's aliens.
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  I mean, maybe Mars just has a guy who's really into hiking?
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  I kind of hope that it's aliens. Because, I mean, with everything going on down
• 3:14
  here, I think we need a whole other set of problems, don't we?
• 3:18
  60 Minutes just came out with its new season on Sunday,
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  and CBS as you know had a crazy ass summer,
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  they had a lot of people leaving and a huge makeover that we don't need to get
• 3:32
  into right now so one of the show's new hires for 60 Minutes is this super conservative guy,
• 3:40
  and he made his debut by warning viewers that AI could become an existential threat to humanity.
• 3:48
  This is literally how he started it off.
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  He told viewers we may have a narrow window this year to make AI safe and then
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  ended the segment with the words, the clock is ticking and so is ours.
• 4:02
  That's a pretty intense way to introduce yourself on a new job.
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  Like, no one likes the new guy at the office that comes up to you and is like, hey, nice to meet you.
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  Oh, and by the way, we might all be dead soon.
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  No, just say hi, it's nice to meet you, and make yourself likable first.
• 4:22
  So then this guy goes on to remind people that for almost 60 years,
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  60 minutes has meant journalism that you can trust.
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  So I guess now we just have to trust 60 minutes that AI is definitely going to kill us. Cool.
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  In Lindsay life, I had a really hard day.
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  I went to the gym, and then I went to Whole Foods, And then I came home and
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  realized that Whole Foods charged me double for my protein powder.
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  So then I had to schlep all the way back to Whole Foods to get refunded for
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  the protein powder that I did not buy.
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  And then I had to clean my house, which is very exhausting in itself.
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  Because, not to brag, but I have a very big apartment.
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  Okay, I have like a three-bedroom apartment, but like, it's like really big
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  when you have to clean. It's, like, really small in the winter,
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  but, like, cleaning it, it's like a mansion. It's crazy how it expands when you have to clean it.
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  And I had my first night back on an open mic, and it was so fun.
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  I mean, I definitely didn't do well, but it was definitely fun to get back up
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  on stage and tell some jokes and see some friends.
• 5:34
  Things I'm thinking about. How we literally let fortune cookies dictate our lives.
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  Like it's one little message from a random cookie from a random restaurant that
• 5:47
  will literally change your life,
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  like it will literally tell you that you're gonna get good news tomorrow and
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  your whole world is gonna get turned upside down by that,
• 5:58
  cooking tip of the day if it doesn't smell bad it didn't go bad feedback comments
• 6:04
  questions a nice jewish boy looking for a date email me at lindsay at thedailystarcast.com.
• 6:09
  Thank you so much for listening. I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.