Latest / The Gay Man's Podcast / Ep. 16 - Why Your Confidence Always Feels Fragile As A Gay Man

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Ep. 16 - Why Your Confidence Always Feels Fragile As A Gay Man · The Gay Man's Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hey there. Welcome back to The Gay Man's Podcast. I'm your host, Kieran Lyons. And in today's episode, we're gonna be talking about what it means to actually feel confident as a gamer. Okay?
• 0:13
  To embody confidence. Because I think there's a lot of gamer out there who may appear confident from the outside, but underneath it, the confidence is constantly being negotiated with things that are just out of their control. Whether that's what they see in the mirror, whether that's the number on the scales, other guys, their career, even like in relationships. And when we build our confidence on things that we just can't control, we're always gonna be fighting that. And that's what I really wanna talk about today.
• 0:45
  The difference between confidence that we borrow as gay men and confidence that you actually own and embody. So I had a really good conversation this week with quite a few of my clients who came along to one of the workshops we did on this subject, and I thought it'd be a really good topic to discuss on this podcast. But one of the questions I asked everybody was what confidence actually means because I think sometimes we think about confidence and it's like we imagine the person who is very charismatic, who walks into the room and kind of owns it, it doesn't really give a crap about what other people think and yeah, sure that may appear as confidence but I think that isn't necessarily embodying confidence because I think we get very good at performing confidence for other people while underneath we're constantly second guessing ourselves. We're constantly worried about what other people think. We're constantly scanning for judgment, fear of failure.
• 1:45
  So when I asked my clients this question, a few things came up. One was feeling comfortable in your own skin. One was around having more trust in yourself. One was not caring about what other people think. And these are all definitely true.
• 2:02
  But I think confidence, if we actually want to summarize it, it's trusting yourself enough to show up as you are without worrying about what other people think about you, without worrying about how you're coming across. It's about trusting yourself enough to make decisions for yourself. It's about taking action before you feel ready. And it's about knowing you can handle whatever happens next. Because within that statement, we've got the authenticity piece of being able to show up as you are.
• 2:35
  We've got trusting yourself by making decisions for yourself, taking action before you feel ready. This is a big one we're going to discuss today. And then having the resilience to know that you can handle whatever happens next. The second question I asked the team here at Proofit was what knocks your confidence? You know, what are the things that come up on a regular basis that strip us of our our confidence?
• 3:00
  And there was a few things here. There's a few themes that came out of it, I found really interesting. The first one was a fear of judgment from other people. The second was a fear of failure. We had self doubt in there as well, so lacking belief in our ability to either change or follow through.
• 3:20
  And then there was the comparison side of things. And what was really interesting around this when we kind of dug in a little deeper, when it came to the fear of judgment, it wasn't that people were actually judging you, it was more the perception of. When it came to the fear of failure, it wasn't actually failing on the thing, it was the perception of failure. It was the perception of the comparison too, you know, when we look at people who were like, oh, they're further ahead than we are or I'm not quite where I need to be. It's that perception that you are further behind.
• 3:55
  It's not a reality thing. So a lot of this is kind of perception, which again I find quite interesting. And then what I really want to talk about here is is the ways in which we borrow confidence instead of owning it for ourselves. Because when we think about borrowing confidence, it's not something that we're actually owning. We are taking it from external things which are just out of our control.
• 4:20
  For example, our bodies. If we only feel confident when we look a certain way, when we're leaning muscular enough, when our clothes fit well, when the number on the scale fits where you feel like it needs to, then we're always gonna be chasing that to make us feel confident. But our bodies change all the time. Your body probably looks a lot different now than it did back in January. It'll look different whether you're trying to lean down and lose body fat or whether you're trying to build and change your body composition.
• 4:59
  It's gonna look different if you're on holiday to when you're kind of locked into your routine. So if we allow our confidence or attach too much confidence to our bodies, then it's always going to change with that. Other ways that we borrow confidence from other people, from other guys especially, you know, within the gay community. This is something that we often do. When we're getting more attention, we feel more confident.
• 5:26
  When we're getting more compliments, we're feeling more confident. You know, when we get the right responses on Grindr and apps and in the DMs, then it can, it can affect your confidence. Right. But again, when we attach too much onto this, then our confidence can drop day to day or rise, rise and fall based on other people. So again, it's confidence that we borrow.
• 5:54
  Something that came up, and I'm sure you can probably resonate with this, is is the comparison side of things. Right? I feel confident when I'm keeping up with everybody else or getting ahead of everybody else. Right? When I have a better body, when I have a better career, more money, when I have more followers, when I have a more exciting life, then I'm gonna feel more confident.
• 6:17
  But again, it's this perception that we are falling behind that makes us feel under confident. And maybe that stops you from taking action. Maybe that stops you from going after what you want because you feel like, oh, what's the point? You know, further further behind than everybody else. And it keeps you trapped in this loop.
• 6:36
  Another way that we borrow confidence is in our achievements. I feel confident when I'm succeeding whether that's your job, whether that's your business, whether that's the title you have, the salary that you're on, how productive and busy you keep yourself. Again, I've done, an episode on this topic before because I think there's a lot of us who attach a lot of our confidence and identity into what we do rather than really who we are. You know, our job, becomes such a big part of our lives, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But again, when we attach all of our confidence onto that and we have a bad day at work or someone say something or something that we did, gets rejected or we're asked to kind of do it again or it can massively affect your confidence, you know, having an argument with a colleague for example, or it can really affect how you feel about yourself.
• 7:39
  Yourself. And then we have approval. I feel confident when people like me. This is why it's so easy to try and keep everybody happy, to chase the praise, chase the likes, to be the reliable one, the helpful one. But this stops you from advocating for yourself.
• 8:00
  You don't want to rock the boat, don't want to cause any trouble, don't want to disappoint anybody. So chasing that approval and maybe not getting it sometimes can affect your confidence. And I think one of the main reasons why this has such a hold over a lot of gay men is that we created a life built on being hypervigilant. You know, from an early age, we were always on the lookout. We were always more aware of our surroundings and our environment and the people who are around us.
• 8:40
  And the questions we're always asking ourselves is, am I safe here? Will I fit in? Will I be rejected? Will I be accepted? Do I need to change something about myself in order to fit into this environment?
• 8:56
  So when we're always being hyper vigilant, we're always going to be outsourcing external things to make us feel good. Okay? We're always going to be looking outside of ourselves for that confidence. Whether it's the approval of other people, whether it's in our relationships, whether it's other guys, whether it's with our body. Because probably deep down there's a part of us that doesn't feel safe, that doesn't feel like we belong, that wants to avoid rejection at all costs.
• 9:34
  And then enter gay culture, which is obviously our community, but sometimes it can feel even harder being part of that community. Because now it's not just about all the things we've just previously mentioned. It's all around the body in the status, right? It's how lean you are, how muscular you are, how masculine you are, how hot you are, what kind of job you have, how much money you have. So if you've spent years learning to look outside of yourself for signs that you are either safe, accepted, attractive, successful, external validation is always going to feel necessary.
• 10:17
  Right? Now I'm not here to say that we shouldn't, be be attached to any kind of external validation. I don't think that's fair, and I don't think that's realistic. But when we attach so much of our worth and confidence onto validation from things outside of ourselves, it's gonna be very hard to create any for ourselves. But when it comes to your body, when it comes to other people's opinions, when it comes to how much attention you get, when it comes to your career, your money, relationships, your your status, your age, All of these things are external.
• 10:57
  They're all things you can't control. And more importantly, they're all things that change all the time. So if your confidence is invested in things that can change, your confidence will always be vulnerable. It's always gonna feel fragile. So how do we actually build confidence?
• 11:15
  What we just talked about though is where our confidence can get stripped away. Maybe you saw yourself in some of that when it comes to focusing too much energy and attention and focus into different areas where it's probably not serving you and it's probably making you feel under confident in certain things. But there is a way that we can actually reclaim that, and this is what I really wanna go through now. There's a model that I wanna kind of get you guys to understand first of all, because when we think about confidence, there are levels underneath it that we need to create and build first. So there's three levels to this.
• 11:53
  Level one is self worth. This is about understanding that you are worthy underneath it all, that you have value. This is saying to yourself, I believe I have value regardless of all the external things I have in my life, what I look like, what I achieve, what I earn, whether someone approves of me or chooses me, that I am worthy underneath all of that. And that's the decision that you need to make first and foremost, which we'll go through in a second. On top of that k.
• 12:19
  So that's that's the the the underlying kind of foundation to everything. On top of that, we've got self trust. This is being able to trust yourself to follow through, to trust yourself to make decisions, to keep the promises that you make to yourself, to advocate for what you need, and then to have the resilience there to be able to handle whatever happens. So even if you don't get the approval that you want, even if you don't get the compliments, even if you don't get the promotion, you can still actually say to yourself, I still trust myself. I still believe in myself.
• 12:56
  So that's the two levels that we need to have in place before we can then have the self confidence layer. Okay? This is by saying, because I know my own worth, because I trust myself, I'm willing to take action, I'm willing to take risks, I'm willing to put myself out there and be seen and speak up and advocate for what I need and go after what I want. And you can't attain that level of self confidence without having a level of trust, without having a level of self worth underneath it all. So that's the model that I want you guys to to really reflect on and think about.
• 13:38
  And when it comes to putting that into practice, how we actually build that, we start with the bottom layer. We need to build self worth. This is step one. And this is about separating who you are from what you have because you are not your job. You are not your relationship.
• 13:58
  You are not your body. These are things that you have. You have a job. You have money. You have a relationship.
• 14:05
  You have a body, but they don't define who you are. So this is about getting underneath all of that and understanding who you actually are without all of those things. And I think for a lot of gay men, like, we we tie a lot of our identity into external things. We tie it into our into our job, into our career, into our friendships, into our relationships. But underneath all of that, there is a person though who has a set of values, who has certain characteristics, who's been through different experiences that has shaped them, that has a level of humor and kindness and charm and treats people a certain way and stands for certain things.
• 14:51
  It's about really understanding who that person is. And then also making that decision that you are worth showing up for, are worth prioritizing, you are worth investing in. You know, if you've ever invested in yourself, whether that's been, a career move, whether that's been a a personal trainer or a coach or anything like that, if you've invested time, money, and energy into, you've already made the decision that you are worth that. Right? You've already decided that you have value.
• 15:26
  And if you haven't done any of those things, it's time to start doing it. It's time to start investing and prioritizing and putting yourself first because that's showing your hope for yourself and that's saying to yourself, am worth I'm worthy of that. I'm worth doing that for. Because this is what you need in order to feel confident, order feel to order to stay consistent, to order for to follow through. You need to have that level of self worth underneath it all.
• 15:54
  Step number two is building self trust. K? So this is trusting yourself. Very, very necessary. And this is really, really simple.
• 16:06
  There's one very simple way to do this, which is sometimes difficult to put into practice, but it is very, very simple, and that is keep the promises that you make to yourself. If you had a friend and every time you arranged to meet up, they either ditched you or they didn't show up or they were late. Say you, like, met up for a coffee and you're like, okay, I'll meet you at this place, and they were half an hour late or they just didn't turn up. And that happened over and over and over again. Would you still be friends with that person?
• 16:38
  My guess is no. Alright? Because you don't trust them. You can't rely on them. But if you're doing that same thing for yourself all the time by saying you're going to do something and then not actually doing it, you don't actually realize like how destructive that is to the relationship that you're building with yourself, to the level of trust you have with yourself, to how much you can rely on yourself.
• 17:04
  Because you can't rely on yourself and you can't trust yourself and you can't believe in yourself if you're saying you're gonna do something and then you don't do it. You know, if you're gonna saying, I'm gonna start again on Monday and then by Wednesday, you're out of the routine again. I'm gonna meal prep tonight And then you don't. You get takeaway instead. I'm gonna go to the gym after work.
• 17:19
  And then you you don't. You go for a drink with your friends instead. Like, that is not the way to build self trust. So the only way to build self trust is to keep the promises that you make to yourself. Yourself.
• 17:31
  Really, really simple. But I think a lot of people, the promises that they make themselves are just too big. Alright? They they it's too big of a a thing. Either it's gotta be, like, perfect or it's gotta be all in.
• 17:46
  That's really not the way that you're going to build self trust and be able to stick to those promises. Because if those promises are too big and you can't actually do it, then you're always gonna break the promise. So this is where where you need to minimize it. Alright? What's the smallest smaller smaller version of of that promise?
• 18:06
  This is something I get all of my guys to do. We create a minimum viable routine. Something that you can do when you're on holiday, when you have a very busy week. Because if you can do it throughout those periods, you can always do it, and then you're always building that level of self trust. Anything on top of that is a bonus.
• 18:24
  K? There'll be peaks and troughs, but if we can always remain consistent in those troughs or in those peaks, then you're winning. Right? You're going to build that self trust. And when you have self trust, you have confidence in yourself.
• 18:37
  So keep the promises that you make to yourself. Very simple. Step number three is about building competence. Because we can't always just expect to feel confident in things that we're just not that good at yet. And that's absolutely fine.
• 18:55
  We can't be expected to be good at everything straight away. And if you're not confident in something right now, you're probably just not good at it yet right now. And that's absolutely fine. You know, when you first jumped on a push bike, bet you weren't very good at it. You probably fell over.
• 19:09
  I know I did. When you drove the first time in a car, you probably weren't that good at it. When you went into the gym the first time, you probably felt insecure. You probably wasn't that good at the things you were doing. All of this takes time to build competence.
• 19:25
  Right? And I think this is what we often forget this stage, this step, because it is about doing the reps. It's about doing it over and over again so you become more competent. And when you're more competent, you become more confident in it. It's a journey.
• 19:38
  Right? The only way to do though that though is about creating is is taking action because action creates evidence. And we need evidence to support the case that we can do that thing. When we have more evidence, we have more trust that we can do it. Your brain gets that evidence that it really needs to think, oh, cool.
• 20:02
  Yeah. You're doing this. There'll be therefore, we can do it again. So ask yourself, where do you currently lack confidence simply because you haven't built enough competence yet. That might be with the gym.
• 20:17
  That might be with confidence in the gym. It might be public speaking. It might be in a relationship. It might be something at work. It might be something in the kitchen.
• 20:34
  Confidence is trainable. Right? If we can identify where we need to take more action to create more evidence, then that becomes a thing to focus on in order to build more competence around it. So if there's one thing I want you to take away from this episode today, it's it's starting before we feel confident because confidence will never come unless you do. You can't expect to feel confident before you take action because like we've just said, action creates evidence.
• 21:05
  And a lot of people think or say, I'm gonna start when I feel more confident. Right? I'm gonna take the action once I have the confidence, but that's never ever ever gonna happen. Action creates evidence. Evidence builds self trust.
• 21:19
  And then we've already talked about the three different levels of this. Self worth, self trust, self confidence. Alright? Once you decide that you're worth worth it, you're worthy of it, and you have the trust there because you created the evidence and you took the action, then you're gonna feel more confident. So two things I want you to do from this episode is ask yourself what promises do you need to start keeping?
• 21:45
  Where are you saying you're going to do something and then you're not doing it? Potentially because you're either trying to aim for perfection or you're trying to do too much and you just can't stick to that promise. So strip it back. What's the minimum? What's the minimum viable routine or habit that's gonna allow you to keep that promise?
• 22:06
  And then the second question to ask yourself right now is where do you need to take action before you feel ready? Because you're never gonna feel ready for the thing. And if you're you haven't started something right now, you've been putting it off because you haven't felt ready, you're spoiler alert, you're never gonna feel ready for that. Therefore, you're never gonna do it. And if you're never gonna do it, you're never gonna take the action, you're never gonna create the evidence, you then know you're never gonna be able to trust yourself or believe in yourself and you're never gonna get the confidence you want.
• 22:38
  Confidence comes from taking the action first. Whether that's investing in yourself, working on your health and fitness, whether that's a career move, whether that's jumping into a relationship, You're never gonna feel ready for those things until you start to put the reps in and build competence. So that is all I've got for you today. I hope you found this helpful. Go and do those things.
• 23:04
  If you're wondering where to start, and you're a little bit unsure around what your focus should be right now, I've created a free assessment. It's called The Gay Man's Body, Energy, and Confidence Audit. Inside here is a three minute assessment, totally free, where you can answer a few questions. And this is gonna give you a, it's gonna identify which areas you should focus your energy and your attention on right now. Whether that's getting in control of your routine, of your fitness, of your of your health right now, whether it's focusing on a particular routine, whether it's trying to reclaim your energy, and it'll give you some tips and some advice on where you should really get started in order to build momentum to create consistency and actually get the results that you want.
• 23:47
  So I'll link it in the show notes below, but it is quiz.protofit.net. That's quiz.protofit.net. Three minutes, totally free, and you'll get some good insights from that on where you should focus your energy and your attention right now. So thank you so much for tuning in today. I hope you found this helpful.
• 24:03
  Go and do those two things. What promises do you need to keep start keeping, and where do you need to take action before you feel ready? And please leave a comment what was helpful from this podcast today. Please like, share, and subscribe if you haven't already. And, yeah, I'll see you on the next one.
• 24:22
  We've got lots more, conversations and interviews lined up over the next few weeks, I wouldn't want you to miss them. So make sure that you are subscribed, and thanks for tuning in. See you on the next one.