Latest / Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes / It’s Never Too Late to Make Friends

Transcript

It’s Never Too Late to Make Friends · Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

• 0:02
  Podcast Intro/Outro: All right, gang. Here's to nights that turn into mornings and friends that turn into family. Cheers. Hello, hello, and welcome to the Friendship IRL podcast. I'm your host, Alex Alexander. Each week we talk about what is working(and what is not) in our friendships, community and connections. Have you ever wished you could sit down and have a conversation about what is really going on in your friendships? Well, you found your people. Join us as we dive into real life stories and explore new ways to approach these connections. Together, we're reimagining the rules of friendship
• 0:57
  Alex Alexander: There's this message that I keep getting in my DMs, and it breaks my heart every single time. Now it's hidden under different stories and reasons, but at the core, it's the same message. I missed my chance. It's too late for me, it's this idea, this feeling right, that you have somehow missed the boat on having the friendships, community connection that you wanted, and now you are stuck standing there on the edge of the dock alone, watching Everyone else do what you wish you could do, have what you wish you had, experience the things that are in your dreams, and if that's you, I just want to pause for a second, and I want to give you a hug through the microphone, because I'm so sorry that you feel so alone.
• 1:59
  Alex Alexander: That's the other thing these messages I get. It's like people feel like they're the only ones that feel this way. And I'm here to tell you you are definitely not. And by the end of today's episode, I hope you realize that there are a lot of people who feel this way. They may not feel this way because of the same reasons you do, but I think when you start to look around, you might realize more people wish they had the connections they want, right? That idea like everyone already has their friends, that's not true. That is not true. Believe me, if you've been in my DMs, that is not true. So I just want you to take a second, because sometimes I think it's hard to visualize this experience when it comes to friends, because it's just like so normalized. So I want to kind of give us a metaphor for a silly example, okay, but like one where you know that sinking feeling, so picture it. You are running down the dock. You got your bag in your hand. You're just trying to make the ferry right. You're trying to make the boat. And you can see them starting to maybe pull the ramp up. Nobody else is getting on.
• 3:17
  Alex Alexander: You're like, maybe I can make it before they pull the ramp up, right? But you get to the end, and the ramp is up and there people that are working at are just kind of smiling at you and like nodding their head, like, I'm so sorry, but you missed the boat. And that boat starts to pull away, and you're standing there alone on the dock. Well, everyone else it feels like in the boat is watching you. They know that you're the only one on the dock, and you're mad because you're like, what if I would have made the boat? Now I'm going to be late. Now I'm going to have all these repercussions, not to mention I'm just like, kind of embarrassed that I'm standing here on my own and I didn't make it, you're probably feeling frustrated with yourself, or whatever made you late, like, if only I had left 10 minutes earlier, if only I had done this. But here's the thing, there's always another boat. And honestly, if you really needed to, if you were, you know, in some crazy blockbuster film, you might just jump in and swim to the boat.
• 4:27
  Alex Alexander: You might get creative. You might find a another way to get there, right? You might hire a different boat. And this is all just one big, silly example, but my hope in showing you this is that I think that of that idea of like standing there on the edge is so similar to how people feel, and then it's like, what do we do about it? Right? If that is you, if you feel like you are standing there, then I hope today's episode gives you some idea. Is because in today's episode, I've dug through my DMs, I have pulled out a bunch of those messages, because I want you to know that you're not alone if you feel this way, but also that you don't have to listen to all that shame, to all the feeling that you're the only one. You can get creative. You can do something about it, like at the end of the day, community, connection, friendship, it isn't something that is happening to you. It's something that you are taking actions toward building, and you can take those actions at any time from any starting place under any circumstances. So let's dive in. If you are someone who feels like you have always acted a certain way in your friendships, in a group, in a community, and now whatever that pattern of behavior is, it is set and it is too late to change that. Some examples that I've seen are men. I got a lot of DMS from men who feel like they are too late because there is an established pattern in their friendships that they're very surface level, and now they want to connect deeper. They want to start to talk about more important topics, the ways that they're feeling, the anxieties that they have. They want to ask for help and support, but it feels impossible, because they have years, if not decades, where it feels like they have always had the same Hangouts, the same conversations, right?
• 6:34
  Alex Alexander: They're so stuck on hobbies that they can't ever get to something deeper. We've also got a message here from someone who's been in a community group, but this could also be a friend group or your neighborhood. They've been in that community group for years, and they've always kind of like kept to themselves, and they've decided they don't want to be lonely in this room full of people anymore. They really enjoy the group, but how do they change up this behavior of kind of keeping to themselves, like they go, they partake, but they don't really talk that much or engage, right? They're just an active volunteer in the group, and they want to break out of their shell, but everyone knows them as this person who's just really quiet. Another scenario I can think of is if you're in a space, let's say, work, community, your neighborhood, where you want to be more yourself, maybe you feel like you've been wearing a mask or putting on a show, don't I know that one or hiding some part of your authentic self, if any of these feel like you like you have always acted in one pattern in your friendship group or community, and you want to change, but you feel like it's too late. Here's what I tell you. I know it feels like your pattern is set in stone, but all it takes is a couple of small actions to start to crack the pattern. Now, when you change something up like that, it feels different. Sometimes it feels uncomfortable or awkward. There might be some pushback initially, and I can explain to you why that is if you go listen to episode 12 of the podcast, it digs into my roots of friendship framework. What is happening here is that your emotional intimacy roots are changing, the small details someone knows about you, the shared topics that you normally talk about the memories you have, the shared history, the things that they have come to know and expect that feel very comfortable are changing now, in some senses, those roots might be dying, like, for example, if you're one of those guys in that friendship where you always just talk about work. You talk about work every time, and that's what's comfortable. And now you want to talk about how you lost your job, how you're dealing with financial stress, how your relationship is under strain, not just what projects you're working on at work, but like the layers below that, what's happening here is you are probably, well, not probably, you are definitely building some new emotional intimacy roots, but you also probably might be killing some other emotional intimacy roots, like the things that felt normal no longer feel normal.
• 9:43
  Alex Alexander: And when that happens, if you think about a tree growing a new root, right, like a root busting out, that takes some energy and some effort. So why wouldn't it take some energy and some effort to shift up the pattern that you. Are in. It is never too late to grow new roots, to let things go, to change the pattern, to reinvent yourself.
• 10:07
  Alex Alexander: Lean in to reinventing yourself, even with people who think they know everything about you, show them that there are more layers underneath that and that you want to fold that into your relationship with them. Another one I commonly get is like, if you are someone who feels like time is the problem, there isn't enough time, you know it's too late. You are not going to live in the city for very long.
• 10:36
  Alex Alexander: You're just here temporarily for work, or maybe you've lived in this city for four or five years, but you know that you're moving next year, and you've never really taken the time to make friends in this space. Or maybe you are somebody who is expecting a big life change.
• 10:53
  Alex Alexander: This is actually one that I know, like I have heard this from people in my life before.
• 11:03
  Alex Alexander: You know, I had somebody tell me once, like, there's no sense in making new friends because we're gonna start trying to have a baby. And so I just, I'm just gonna wait until I have mom friends. I mean, I was like, what? But, you know, and maybe you're somebody who's about to start something big, a new career path going to school, or, in the case of this DM that I got, somebody is leaning into a really, really, really big passion project. They are creating a documentary that they've always been dreaming of creating, and they know that that is going to be like so all consuming for the next few years of their lives, and the DM was like, I don't know why I would go to make friends, because I just know I'm not going to be a very good friend in the next few years, but I do think I would love people to call for support along the way. If you are somebody who feels like time is the problem. Here's what I tell you, we don't live in a binary.
• 12:03
  Alex Alexander: Friendship isn't always your closest, deepest, oldest friends or no friends at all. You're allowed to have simple connections. You are allowed to have friends that just are maybe in a season of your life, or they are friends that are really focused around one interest you have. If you're that person who's out there making a documentary, can you go find other people who are making documentaries, who work in the film industry, people who get how all consuming this is, and when you are connecting, want to talk about that interest. The other thing I would tell you is that you are making a lot of assumptions about what's going to happen after this big life change happens. You're having this assumption that you won't have any connection to this person after x happens, like, if you make a friend in the city that you're currently living in for one more year, there is not a single chance or possibility that you will stay connected to them after you move. You don't know that. You don't know if the friend that you make right now that currently doesn't have kids, if you're going to lose them after you do have kids, maybe they end up being your biggest support. Maybe they also become a mom friend. Maybe they become the future Auntie or uncle to your kids. Maybe you can't imagine your life without them a decade down the road, you don't know. And for the person who is starting that new career path or is starting that multi year documentary project. These new friends that you make, they might be your biggest cheerleaders you don't know. So stop setting limitations on what is possible and just allow new connections that appear in your life to happen. Another common reason people tell me that it's too late is a age. I'm in my 40s, 50s, 60s, and people my age already have their friend groups, and I just wasn't one of those people. I'm too old to be making new friends like I'm a teenager. Everyone My age is busy with kids or career aging parents. In the case of a number of my DMs, everyone is busy because they're stuck as sandwich caregivers. They have kids and aging parents, if you are someone who is telling yourself that it is too late to make friends, build community, find the connections you want because of age, here's what I tell you, ready we only stop making new friends in the grave.
• 15:53
  Alex Alexander: I would love to just mic drop and stop there, because I firmly believe that to my core, but I'll keep going. I want you to think about it for a second. If two people became friends. Years when they moved into the same nursing home, that story would go viral on the internet. We love seeing people of all ages makes friends, so do not hold yourself back because you think you can't make friends at whatever age you are. Right now, there are people who are living similar life circumstances to you, they're also sandwich caregivers. There are people who have similar interests to you.
• 16:37
  Alex Alexander: There are also people who don't need to be your same age. You know, maybe you're thinking to myself, gosh, I would love to connect with someone who is also a sandwich caregiver. But how would we ever possibly align?
• 16:50
  Alex Alexander: Because we just have such limited time. What about somebody who was a sandwich caregiver a decade ago? You would have plenty still to talk to them about, even if they aren't currently living it in this moment. I would also say there is something so necessary about making friends who are older or younger than you. So don't let that hold you back.
• 17:11
  Alex Alexander: Maybe you end up having your best friends who are a decade or two older or younger again, for anybody else, if we watch that friendship develop, right? I mean, I have seen videos on the internet of very, very delightful people in their 30s who have made really beautiful friendships with people in their 60s, 70s, 80s, and we all find that so heartwarming. So if you found that type of connection, would you really hold yourself back from it? Now there's also this piece of for everybody who is busy with kids, career, aging parents, I want to acknowledge that you aren't wrong, that what you are feeling is real and normal. Once we hit our mid 30s, studies show specifically the time you survey that there is a significant drop in the time we spend with our friends, but I think that most people nowadays see that trend of spending, I mean, only a few hours a week with our friends, as a problem.
• 18:27
  Alex Alexander: The only way to change that trend is to put more effort and energy into trying to find a little more time with our friends each week, an extra hour or 230, minutes, anything changes the trend. Anything creates momentum for you, and if you're like but how do I possibly do that? My life is too overwhelming. I just don't have the time or the space. Then the I mean, number one thing I would suggest to you is trying to integrate your friends into your life. Don't try and carve out extra time, extra space, you know, to like get together for uninterrupted dinner. You may just be in a season where that's not possible, and accepting that is totally fine. Maybe you run errands together, maybe you meal prep together. Maybe you feed your families together on Sunday night and take turns cooking a bigger dinner. I think it's initiating conversations with your friends and with your people about how you can fold life in. What would it look like? Is there a window, you know, maybe Friday mornings at 6am where you both go slap swim together and catch up in the locker room before or after? Is the only way you can squeeze it in. But it's something in the season of life, you know, getting away from our devices and our TVs more, getting out into the community and finding a little entertainment that way.
• 19:50
  Alex Alexander: If we did those types of things, we would start to see a change in the trend. Another common one I get is somebody who believes that some sort of life circumstance has led you to believe that you're too late. My widowed people and divorce people out there this idea of, like, I don't know how to make friends as a single person, I've been coupled for so long. Or maybe you're somebody who got divorced and you lost all of your friendships and community in the split. I have so many stories, especially of men coming to talk to me about this, as if I don't know that this is a real thing, and I just want to tell you, I see you if you have divorced and you are really depending on your other partner for all of your social needs.
• 20:41
  Alex Alexander: My parents out there, right?
• 20:41
  Alex Alexander: This idea of I just had a baby and I am not the same person I used to be, my friends keep calling me to go out, or they don't understand that I can't just get childcare on a dime.
• 20:52
  Alex Alexander: Or, gosh, another DM that stands out to me is somebody telling me that they just in this current season right now, they don't want to be away from their kid very long, and they don't know how to get. Their friends to understand that maybe you're somebody who's recently sober and you don't know how to socialize without drinking.
• 21:14
  Alex Alexander: Perhaps you're somebody who just retired, or you have taken on a second act career, right? You made a huge pivot in your work identity, and you don't know how to go out when so much of our identity, especially in Western culture, is based on our job, for better or worse, I don't think it should be that way, but I understand that for sure, especially when I made this switch, right? Maybe you have been so focused on your career for years or decades, and you really haven't put any effort or energy into your friendships.
• 21:50
  Alex Alexander: And you wake up one day and you realize, Wow, pretty much all my friendships have fizzled because I just haven't been there. I haven't prioritized milestones, I haven't called people back. I haven't checked in in literally years. And if this is you, if there is some sort of life circumstance that is leading you to believe you are too late, then here's what I'd say to you, you are at your own version, socially, of rock bottom. And I get that because I also was at rock bottom at one point when I built the support system that I have now, I was at rock bottom.
• 22:31
  Alex Alexander: And although I don't want anybody ever to get to that rock bottom place when it comes to their social connections, where they just have had some monumental shift in their life, and they don't really feel like they have anyone to call that's what I mean by, like, social, wellness, rock bottom. You might have already gone through the divorce and like, that was your life. Rock bottom, maybe. But socially, maybe you still feel like you're sitting there. You haven't quite recovered in that area of your life. Then what I would tell you is I don't want anybody to ever feel like they are socially at their rock bottom, but if you are there, it is a really interesting place to be when you decide to go build the community and support system and friendships that you want, because you will take a little more risk. You'll be a little more creative. You can do this like I'm a living example of it.
• 23:33
  Alex Alexander: Will it be potentially uncomfortable at times? Yeah, yep, you're doing something new.
• 23:36
  Alex Alexander: But the thing is that you have already survived whatever shift in your identity. You have survived you have already proven that you can do extremely hard things, because it might be right being widowed, that's awful. I am sending you all my love, but it could also just be a new parent, and that, although happy, might have just completely rocked your identity and your world. You are doing hard things, and although it can feel like, well, I'm already surviving on my own, so why would I continue to do more hard things and push myself out of my comfort zone to build community and connections? What I would tell you is, it is worth it. On the other side, it is worth it to never feel like you're going to have to go through something hard alone again. And although it might be uncomfortable or awkward to put yourself out there, it can be the most memorable journey you've ever been on, because all those little, small interactions you have with people as you start to build the support system you need, where you realize you have someone to call, it just feels so kind of magical. Is the word when you're at rock bottom and you don't have anyone to call, and you feel that alone, it's hard to believe it's ever possible. So when the little glimmers happen where there is somebody you can call you're kind of awestruck. You can't believe that you can do that, and that is what gives you the incentive to keep pushing forward. That's what I would say. That was my experience anyways. So start looking for the tiniest, littlest moments of connection, because they matter.
• 25:25
  Alex Alexander: Try and find those moments of belonging, and then once you start to see those those little glimmers, that's probably what will keep you sustained enough to keep pushing and taking risks and being creative and going forward. And before you know it, you could have a better support system than you've ever imagined in your life. I'm living proof.
• 25:49
  Alex Alexander: Maybe you are someone who feels just utterly overwhelmed by social anxiety. You feel like you've forgotten how to talk to people, how to be in public, how to say hello to a stranger. The number of DMS I get from someone saying, you know, I work from home, and I've been working from home. For five years, 10 years, 15 years, I'm just not out in public much anymore, and I've forgotten how to talk to people.
• 26:12
  Alex Alexander: Or a DM I got recently from someone saying that they lost their husband. And when you add the awkwardness of navigating grief with the fact that you're trying to make new friends. This person was like, I keep going to my kids sports events, and I just feel like I have no social skills anymore, that they all went away when I lost my spouse.
• 26:44
  Alex Alexander: Maybe you're someone who feels like you never really learned social skills. I've talked about this before, that if you didn't see these modeled in your life, if your parents weren't really a believer in community and friendship and connection, and maybe they kind of kept to themselves, you might feel like there's this whole world of norms out there that you never learned you're like, I don't want to be a 3040, 50 year old having to learn how to talk to people. I should already know this. Or maybe you're someone who has been depressed for years. You really isolated yourself, and now you're just wanting to connect, but you don't know how to if you are someone who is so overwhelmed by social anxiety, here's what I'd say to you, you aren't alone.
• 27:29
  Alex Alexander: You are not alone. Okay, do you hear me? You are not alone. In fact, there's an episode I did on a concept called Learn loneliness, which is episode 69 basically, loneliness is a cue that our body has, similar to a hunger cue, but when we ignore that cue for long enough, we develop something called Learn loneliness, which means that our baseline tolerance for loneliness is so high that being lonely feels normal. Why am I telling you this? Because this is not a you problem. So many people in the world today are dealing with learned loneliness, and the fact that you're noticing these anxieties shows that you're trying to do something about it. Now, changing our status quo is uncomfortable. If someone is healing from an illness, okay, an experience I know all too well in the last couple years of my life, you would all expect that it is uncomfortable for me sometimes to change my patterns, right? Like, for example, I wasn't really supposed to be physically active as much as possible for a good nine months.
• 28:39
  Alex Alexander: We didn't want to induce more of a histamine response than necessary. Now, I think that would mean that now, as I'm trying to build back up my movement, I mean even going for like a 30 minute walk, you would all expect that I might be a little uncomfortable at times.
• 29:00
  Alex Alexander: And fun fact, I was this weekend when I went on a walk, you would not be surprised. You're like, Yeah, Alex, you haven't really moved that much in nine months.
• 29:06
  Alex Alexander: This is the same thing. If I'm looking at you and you are feeling like you have so much social anxiety, you've been out of the game for a while, something is holding you back.
• 29:18
  Alex Alexander: You never learned these skills, then I would tell you that getting momentum to make these changes in our lives requires us to do things differently, right?
• 29:33
  Alex Alexander: Requires me to go out on a walk.
• 29:33
  Alex Alexander: It requires you to put yourself in some social situations, which means that we're both going to be uncomfortable in our unique situations. Now I do want to give you a couple tips if this is you, because my heart really goes out to you, it's a huge hurdle to get over your social anxiety. I'm not just like trying to poo poo that. I'm just trying to say it's normal. My number one tip for you is this, when most people walk into a social situation, because it feels like you don't really have any control, right? People are going to come up and talk to you, and then you have to react.
• 30:06
  Alex Alexander: And it's that panic of like, how do you react? What I would tell you is to set yourself up to feel just a little less awkward.
• 30:14
  Alex Alexander: And the way to do that is to have a plan. So if you know that you are going to your kids football game and they're going to be a bunch of other parents on this team that you've never met before, and maybe you're someone who lost your spouse, and so you're already anxious about that have a plan. So that plan might look like I'm going to walk in and I am going to talk to my child so I look busy. Now, I'm not saying this can't be derailed, but I think it's helpful to try and have a plan while I walk in, and when I get inside, there is one parent in that room that I have met before on another team, and I am going to walk up to them, and I'm going to say hello, and I'm going to ask them, How was your week? Already know your question. Okay. And then from there, maybe. Going to ask them if they have met any of the other parents on the team, right? That's a natural intro for them to maybe start pointing people out, telling you some facts about them, so you have some idea of what kind of questions you might meet. Maybe they introduce you to those people. Could somebody come up and approach you? Yeah, maybe.
• 31:26
  Alex Alexander: But you still could continue with you were going to go talk to that one person. You already know the two questions. And normally, like, once you get in that room and you get a little momentum going, it helps you.
• 31:36
  Alex Alexander: You're a little more grounded.
• 31:41
  Alex Alexander: You didn't walk in and just feel like your social anxiety took over. The exact moment you walked through the door and you were playing defense, go in with a plan of offense. Now if you like this kind of conversation, I would suggest that you go listen to episode 49 which is my survival guide for navigating small talk, and it gives you more tips, tricks, strategies.
• 32:07
  Alex Alexander: But the point of this is, overall, if you are somebody who is dealing with the social anxiety, number one, it is completely normal. And number two, you don't have to wing it.
• 32:20
  Alex Alexander: Having a plan can make all the difference between standing there against the wall feeling awkward versus actually taking some steps to connect with one person. And even if you went in and you only talked to that one person, you plan to talk to and you only ask them two questions, and you never spoke to another person that entire time and you left, I'd consider that a success. You don't need to overhaul your social anxiety in one night, just going in there and talking to someone and asking them two questions, in my mind, that is a win. Give yourself credit. Okay, I'm telling you that you're doing a great job if you are someone who has made choices, hopefully positive choices, but maybe they're just choices beyond your control. You know, you have life circumstances, choices, differences, and you feel like some sort of an outsider, and therefore it's too late, because you don't really belong here anymore. You don't really fit here anymore. Drinking is a big one that shows up in my DMs, people who are like, Listen, I don't drink or party like everyone else my age. I understand that that was me.
• 33:28
  Alex Alexander: Maybe you are the only single person. Everybody else, all your other friends in your friend group, have coupled up, and you just really feel like you are the only single person left. Or maybe you are the only parent.
• 33:46
  Alex Alexander: You're the first one to have kids, or maybe you're the last one left without kids, and maybe you don't ever plan to have kids, right? Maybe wherever you live, you feel like you are too different, politically, religiously, from the people around you. Another big one I get is people who message me and talk about how they maybe moved somewhere and they don't make enough money to keep up with the social scene. They're trying to make new friends, but they can't afford to go out the way the people they have met are going out, and they really like those people, but it's really hard, because they're continuing to have to say no over and over and over again. If this is you where you feel like an outsider because of like, life circumstances, choices, differences. Then here's what I would tell you, number one, it's okay to not be like everyone else in your social circle. You don't have to drink or party like everyone else. I see you that was seriously me. And I know that at first, when you start saying, Oh, I'm good, I don't want to drink, that there is pushback. But over time, many people, many groups, will adjust and normalize and accept these things about you. You are changing the friendship culture to be more inclusive. Now I'm not saying that happens 100% of the time, and if you get a lot of pushback, that's a time to reevaluate some of your friendships. But it takes people a little bit of time to adjust.
• 35:13
  Alex Alexander: But I can tell you right now that although I was one of the first people in my friend group to not be the drinker, over time, more people joined me.
• 35:24
  Alex Alexander: That was their own choice, but also it just became very normal in our friend group that if you're going to provide alcoholic options, you always have non alcoholic options.
• 35:34
  Alex Alexander: That's an example of changing the friend culture. If you feel like you are different, like you're the only parent or non parent in your circles, there are so many other places to seek out people who are similar, but also personally, I have so many people in my life who have different life circumstances, and in my personal opinion, that's what makes life interesting. If we were all the same, if all my friends were living the same life, is that just me? I think that would be boring. That. Yeah, I think that although I don't live the same day to day at the moment as my friends who have kids, that doesn't mean I don't find it interesting. That doesn't mean I can't empathize with them sometimes. That doesn't mean I don't want to hear about their day or their life. It adds more color to mine, and I hope I add more color to theirs. So if you find yourself in that situation, maybe share a bit more about what your life is like, like. I can't tell you, here's an example. I have a very visceral memory of being surrounded by a bunch of friends of mine who are parents and a couple people who don't have kids, and the parents were all talking about their kids and preschool and swim lessons and drop off and products and whatever. And I left, and I realized that another friend that was there really hadn't been talking that much, doesn't have kids. And I recorded another episode about this. I can't remember the number, but we'll link in the show notes. It's a pretty recent episode, but basically talking about how, you know, if your life is different, that's not a bad thing, but it's also partially on you to talk about your life like we left that gathering and nobody really knew anything that was going on in her life and her job, and part of that is because she just didn't really share or open up any opportunities. Also, there were times where questions were asked and it just kind of got shut down. I think she felt like it was too different than what everybody else was talking about. But different makes things interesting. So don't feel like you can't add some spice to the conversation. Now, if you're in a situation where it's too different, maybe politically or religiously, or you're somebody who doesn't feel like you have enough money, then I would suggest putting yourself in new communities and new spaces. That doesn't mean you need to, maybe sometimes it means you completely leave those other groups, those other spaces, those other people. But maybe it's enough, if we use, like the money example, if you find some other friends, some other spaces where they aren't maybe spending the same way the few times that you do go out with those friends who are just going out and throwing money around, maybe that's okay, and you can do it less frequently, but you aren't left at home alone, because you have other people you can call who have different interests and different focus. And if you try new groups and new spaces and they also don't feel right, then you don't need to stick around maybe for a little while. You just kind of bounce around and try new things out. It's totally normal you think of like fashion, right? If I started kind of testing out my fashion and figuring out who I was, and you saw me on Instagram, and one day I was in one kind of outfit, and the next day I was in another, and one day I looked completely silly and like, Oh, that's not Alex's fashion at all. Nobody would think that's odd, that they would just think like, Oh, she's trying to figure out what represents her. You're allowed to do that with your community and your spaces and your people and your friendships too. You're allowed to try out new things now, finally, if you are someone who has had experiences in the past that left a bad taste in your mouth, left you feeling too exposed, or left you with no sense of hope.
• 39:31
  Alex Alexander: Maybe you're somebody who had a friendship breakup and now you're scared to try and put yourself out there and find friends again. Maybe you were bullied and rejected before, and then you're like, what if it happens again? Maybe you just tried to build community, and you're like, Alex, this is not meant for me. I don't have the skills. I'm just going to go it alone. Then this is what I would tell you, if you have had past connection experiences that left you kind of feeling hopeless, first of all, I'm sorry.
• 40:06
  Alex Alexander: I'm so sorry that your social experience has not been positive, and has, in fact, been the opposite of positive, that you just feel like there's no chance if this is you. And you want to talk, then I want to tell you that my DMs are open, my email is open, voice notes are open. Reach out, you know, tell me about your experience, but the other thing I want to remind you is that one of the joys of being an adult is that you get to choose who you are surrounded by. So maybe this breakup or rejection or the bullying happened when you were a kid, okay, and if you were a kid, then I want to remind you that your family of origin picks so many things about your social connections, right? They pick where you live, they pick the communities you're a part of, they pick the friends that you're allowed to see or hang out with, and maybe what their idea of ideal connections for you was, duh. Does not match what you feel like you deserve, or the people you want to be surrounded by. Maybe you felt too different, your friend, your parents really wanted you to grow up, and, I don't know, climb the corporate ladder, and so they really pushed you towards friends that were career driven, and you're just an arts person. Maybe you're neurodivergent, and your parents really push you towards neurotypical friends. Whatever it is you're not a kid anymore.
• 41:31
  Alex Alexander: You can choose the spaces that you are putting yourselves in to build connections now, maybe the experiences that left you hopeless happened when you were an adult, maybe you made some friends in a season of your life where you were just kind of desperate for some friends, and they turned out not to be very good people for you. Maybe choices you were making are similar to what they were making, and you changed their life and they didn't. Maybe somebody really took advantage of you. Again, you are an adult.
• 42:08
  Alex Alexander: You have the power to choose.
• 42:08
  Alex Alexander: You don't have to be surrounded by those people anymore. You don't have to be a part of that community anymore. Heck, you can move you can change jobs. You can completely rebuild your life and surround yourself with different groups and communities where you feel more aligned. So this is a reminder that you have control and power to put yourself in different spaces. So spend some time, if you this happened to you when you're an adult, reflecting on what it is you didn't like about that.
• 42:35
  Alex Alexander: Like, were you trying to be a part of a group that didn't really, really align with you?
• 42:41
  Alex Alexander: Was this, you know, a pattern you had in your past that you don't have anymore? Was this a friendship from your past that you just kept hanging onto and kept trying to force to work?
• 42:53
  Alex Alexander: But really should have let it go like, what was it that didn't feel right about those connections? What were people doing? What were early patterns or signs that maybe you wish you had seen? It's all trial and error. And if you had a really big, really big fail of a friendship at one point, then, like, remember, your big fail might be in friendship, mine might be in, I don't know, finances or health or love. I think my personal opinion is people have kind of their biggest flop in one area of life and where I'm flopping, you may not be flopping. I'm thriving in the community friendship space, but that doesn't mean I don't have flops, okay, and that I'm not out here trying to pick myself up from those so don't feel like you can't come back from this. It's worth it to give it another shot. So let's go back to that image I gave you from the beginning. You standing on the dock, feeling like everybody's watching you, feeling like you're alone, feeling like you have no idea how to get to your final destination. You're just watching that boat pull away with everyone else on it, feeling like you missed your chance. Here's what I want you to remember that boat, it's not actually pulling away. You just convinced yourself it is. And even if it was, even if it is out there with the motor running, heading away from you.
• 44:27
  Alex Alexander: There's always another boat.
• 44:31
  Alex Alexander: There's so many boats, and honestly, you probably don't even need that boat. You might just be able to take one step forward or wave to someone else who is also standing on the dock. Maybe they're behind a pillar. You don't even see them, and they're feeling the exact same way that you do overall. If you feel like it's too late, I see you and I'm holding space for you, and I get why you feel this way. Okay, societal messages really lead us to believe that there is a point in our life where if we don't have the community connections, friendships we want, we can't have them. But that is completely and utterly not true.
• 45:04
  Alex Alexander: Okay, nod your head, yes. Say yes. You can build the connections you need at any age, under any circumstances as any person. It might take a little trial and error, and I can tell you that from my first hand experience, sometimes it does, but I think once you start to see it build, you see the momentum. It just comes in faster and faster and feels more natural. So if you're listening to this and thinking, but what about my specific situation, go back and listen to whatever section resonated with you. Pick one small action, make one tiny move, and if you didn't hear your situation, reach out and let me know. I'm always here because connection is not something that happens to you, it's something you take action toward building, and you can take those actions and. Any time with that, I'll see you next week.
• 46:12
  Alex Alexander: Thank you for listening to this episode of Friendship IRL. I am so honored to have these conversations with you. But don't let the chat die here.
• 46:19
  Alex Alexander: Send me a voice message. I created a special website just to chat with you. You can find it at alexalex.chat. You can also find me on Instagram. My handle, @itsalexalexander. Or go ahead and leave a review wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts. Now if you want to take this conversation a step further, send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting. And use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out. No need for a teary goodbye. I'll be back with a new episode next week.