Latest / Beautifully Complex / 309: Coping Skills for Kids, Teens, and Adults, with Janine Halloran, MA, LMHC

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309: Coping Skills for Kids, Teens, and Adults, with Janine Halloran, MA, LMHC · Beautifully Complex

0:03
Speaker 1: Look for those tiny moments, those tiny shifts of change,
0:08
Speaker 1: because that's what's going to keep you going. Like maybe
0:11
Speaker 1: it is not as frequent, maybe it is not as long.
0:14
Speaker 1: Maybe something worked for a moment that is hope. That
0:18
Speaker 1: is a sign that there is some movement, even if
0:22
Speaker 1: it's teeny teeny tiny. Hold on to that and keep going.
0:30
Speaker 2: Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights
0:34
Speaker 2: and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids straight from the trenches.
0:39
Speaker 2: I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author
0:42
Speaker 2: and mindset mama, honored to guide you on the journey
0:45
Speaker 2: of raising your atypical kid. Let's get started. Welcome back
0:53
Speaker 2: everybody to Beautifully Complex. I am so excited to have
0:59
Speaker 2: Janine Hallory in here with me to talk about coping skills.
1:03
Speaker 2: I think we're going to talk about coping skills for
1:05
Speaker 2: our kids, but maybe also for us, because how we
1:08
Speaker 2: show up matters a great deal to the behavior that
1:13
Speaker 2: we see in our kids. So Janine, will you start
1:16
Speaker 2: by letting everybody know who you are and what you do,
1:19
Speaker 2: and then we'll jump in sure.
1:21
Speaker 1: So, I am a licensed mental health counselor, I've been
1:24
Speaker 1: working in the field for over twenty years, which is
1:27
Speaker 1: wild to say that, but that's true. I've been working
1:31
Speaker 1: with kids and teens and families and helping kids and
1:34
Speaker 1: teens and the families try to figure out what strategies
1:36
Speaker 1: will work for them, trying to make life just go
1:39
Speaker 1: a little bit smoother at home. So I'm a therapist
1:42
Speaker 1: by training, and I actually still do see kids privately.
1:45
Speaker 1: In fact, I have like a new client I'm seeing
1:47
Speaker 1: this afternoon. I see clients throughout the week. But the
1:51
Speaker 1: other thing that I do is I run coping skills
1:53
Speaker 1: for kids. So I wrote the Coping Skills for Kids
1:56
Speaker 1: Workbook the Coping Skills for Teens Workbook because I couldn't
1:59
Speaker 1: really find those workbooks when I was, you know, starting
2:03
Speaker 1: my work and wanting to try and find strategies that
2:06
Speaker 1: are going to work for the different kids that I
2:07
Speaker 1: saw all the time, and I just was wanting like
2:11
Speaker 1: a just like just different ideas, Like I just needed
2:14
Speaker 1: a lot of ideas because different kids need different things
2:16
Speaker 1: and respond differently. So I wanted to have a lot
2:19
Speaker 1: of different tools in my toolkit, but I couldn't find it.
2:22
Speaker 1: So I wrote it with the encouragement of my husband,
2:25
Speaker 1: And it's been really amazing to see and continue to
2:29
Speaker 1: learn what strategies work for what type of kid. And
2:32
Speaker 1: everybody has their own sort of unique constellation of their
2:35
Speaker 1: own strategies that works for them. So it's my passion
2:39
Speaker 1: and fun for me to help people figure out what
2:41
Speaker 1: strategies are going to work.
2:43
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's so much fun. And you've created such a
2:46
Speaker 2: great resource for parents. You know, I get asked all
2:50
Speaker 2: the time what should we do for this or that?
2:52
Speaker 2: And so much of it is tied to the nervous system.
2:56
Speaker 2: But as you've said, everybody's different. You know, something that
3:00
Speaker 2: might really soothe me might escalate my kid, and vice versa,
3:06
Speaker 2: and so we really have to be sort of detectives
3:08
Speaker 2: right and figuring out for each kid. But having this
3:12
Speaker 2: well of information and ideas to pull from is so
3:16
Speaker 2: super helpful when you just don't know, you know, when
3:20
Speaker 2: it's not your thing to know these things. So I
3:23
Speaker 2: appreciate that so much. Can we start with kind of
3:26
Speaker 2: defining what you mean when you talk about coping skills
3:31
Speaker 2: and then why maybe they're so super important for neurodivergent
3:35
Speaker 2: kids and families because maybe they experience the world more
3:39
Speaker 2: intensely and differently than a neurotypical kid.
3:44
Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely. So the way I define coping skills is
3:48
Speaker 1: it is strategies you use to deal with big feelings,
3:51
Speaker 1: to deal with overwhelming situations, to deal with challenges in
3:55
Speaker 1: you know, maybe overthinking things, and you can sort of
3:59
Speaker 1: think about them in like healthy versus unhealthy strategies, Like
4:03
Speaker 1: what are strategies that are going to be helpful and healthy?
4:06
Speaker 1: So the thing that I always talk about is I
4:08
Speaker 1: want to make sure that you stay safe when you're
4:10
Speaker 1: using a strategy. I want to make sure other people
4:13
Speaker 1: stay safe, and I want to make sure property is
4:15
Speaker 1: completely cool and safe as well. So there's a wealth
4:19
Speaker 1: of strategies that you can use as long as you
4:22
Speaker 1: are doing things that are going to keep you safe,
4:24
Speaker 1: keep other people safe, and keep property from not being damaged.
4:28
Speaker 1: And that leaves a lot of room for a lot
4:31
Speaker 1: of wiggle room. Like you can do movement strategies, you
4:34
Speaker 1: can use your senses to help you cope. You can
4:37
Speaker 1: use distraction to help you cope, play, you can use
4:40
Speaker 1: deep breathing or grounding. You can talk through and label
4:43
Speaker 1: your emotions. But I think when it comes to neurodivergent kids.
4:48
Speaker 1: A lot of times, there's a lot of big feelings there, right,
4:51
Speaker 1: Like there's really really big feelings, and so to be
4:55
Speaker 1: able to figure out what are going to be those
4:57
Speaker 1: things that are going to help me walk through that
5:00
Speaker 1: feeling in a way that is not going to impact
5:05
Speaker 1: people around me in a really super negative way. Like
5:08
Speaker 1: if I'm having a really big anger, punching a hole
5:12
Speaker 1: in the wall is not a good strategy, Like, it's
5:14
Speaker 1: not healthy, it's not safe. So what are the things
5:16
Speaker 1: that I can do that can be different that it's
5:19
Speaker 1: still honored the fact that I'm angry. Anger is not
5:22
Speaker 1: a bad thing. Anger is just it's a signal, and
5:25
Speaker 1: you can channel that anger into something more positive. You
5:29
Speaker 1: can channel that into change, right, But if you are
5:32
Speaker 1: having that big feeling, you've got to get it out
5:34
Speaker 1: in a safe and healthy way. So really, that's what
5:37
Speaker 1: I love about using strategies is being able to help
5:40
Speaker 1: kids walk through that emotion and walk through the feeling.
5:42
Speaker 1: It's okay to have that feeling, It's okay to have
5:44
Speaker 1: any feeling. It is okay. It's what you do when
5:47
Speaker 1: you have that feeling that matters.
5:50
Speaker 2: And so many of our neurodivergent kids are avoidant. They
5:54
Speaker 2: don't want to feel the feeling, they don't want to
5:56
Speaker 2: be uncomfortable. They're going to do anything and everything not
6:00
Speaker 2: to sit in it, right, And so having those conversations
6:04
Speaker 2: building that skill also of being able to be with
6:07
Speaker 2: the emotion and feel maybe not okay, but that it
6:12
Speaker 2: is going to be okay.
6:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, it's to sit with uncomfortableness is really hard
6:18
Speaker 1: to sit like sadness, to sit with worry, to sit
6:21
Speaker 1: with grief, it's hard. It's hard to do that, and
6:24
Speaker 1: to have that conversation about like, just sit with it
6:28
Speaker 1: for a sac like even if it's just for a minute,
6:30
Speaker 1: and we'll get better at sitting with it right and
6:32
Speaker 1: it's okay. That's part of being human is having these
6:37
Speaker 1: feelings and emotions, and that's what makes us human. Yeah.
6:40
Speaker 2: Absolutely, We've had with my own kid, who is twenty two,
6:45
Speaker 2: but he's my kid, so I still calling my kid.
6:48
Speaker 2: Not that either of my young adult kids like that,
6:50
Speaker 2: but that's what we do because I'm mom. And he's
6:54
Speaker 2: been struggling with frustration and it just sort of explodes
7:00
Speaker 2: out of him before he is able to think about
7:03
Speaker 2: it right, and his therapist is working with him on
7:06
Speaker 2: the stop practice from CBT or DBT, and you know,
7:10
Speaker 2: really trying to help him because he doesn't like that.
7:13
Speaker 1: Right.
7:14
Speaker 2: So often these behaviors our kids have these big emotions,
7:18
Speaker 2: they're not pleasant for them either. They're not enjoying it either,
7:22
Speaker 2: and so he really does want to work on it,
7:24
Speaker 2: but it affects everybody in the house when suddenly there's
7:27
Speaker 2: like these huge loud noises because he'll be on the
7:30
Speaker 2: computer and get frustrated and bang really hard and he
7:32
Speaker 2: hurts himself and then he's like, oh, why did that happen?
7:36
Speaker 2: Why didn't I do something different? Right, So we're working
7:38
Speaker 2: on it, but it was so funny. The other day
7:39
Speaker 2: he sends me this video from YouTube of this guy
7:43
Speaker 2: with this giant return button. It's like a pillow, it's
7:47
Speaker 2: a squishy pad, big inter button and every time the
7:51
Speaker 2: guy gets frustrated, he's banging on the inter button, right,
7:53
Speaker 2: And my kid says, we need to find one of
7:55
Speaker 2: these for me. I think this could help, because like,
7:58
Speaker 2: you have to honor that you're nervous system is saying
8:01
Speaker 2: I need to move, I need to expel some energy, right,
8:05
Speaker 2: But we have to find healthier ways to do it,
8:09
Speaker 2: and you know he was trying to do that, which
8:11
Speaker 2: I was like, that's pretty smart, right, Like that's I
8:15
Speaker 2: think a starting point, right, because so often in the
8:18
Speaker 2: moment they can't use the coping strategy anyway if they're
8:21
Speaker 2: already super far down the hill, right.
8:24
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. No. And this is the thing that
8:26
Speaker 1: is really tricky about teaching coping skills. You would think like, okay,
8:30
Speaker 1: so now you know a coping skill, right, and you
8:32
Speaker 1: know when you're supposed to use it, Like you get
8:34
Speaker 1: frustrated you're playing on your video game and somebody does
8:37
Speaker 1: something or somebody is attacking, and they're like, they're not
8:39
Speaker 1: playing fair. I have a teenage boy myself, so like,
8:43
Speaker 1: I know, oh the fairness, fairness, it's not fair. They
8:46
Speaker 1: are they're changing, they're like anyway. But what happens is
8:51
Speaker 1: like that's not the teachable moment. Really, it's too far gone.
8:55
Speaker 1: It's too late. The tricky part with coping skills is
8:58
Speaker 1: you have to work on it and you have to
9:01
Speaker 1: be able to have the conversation about I'm noticing that
9:04
Speaker 1: you're getting really frustrated when you're playing this video game.
9:07
Speaker 1: I've actually had this conversation with my son. First of all,
9:09
Speaker 1: is it fun for you? Is if this is still
9:12
Speaker 1: fun for you, continue to do it. But if it
9:14
Speaker 1: is no longer fun, like you're playing video games because
9:17
Speaker 1: it's supposed to be fun. If this is fun, great,
9:20
Speaker 1: If this is frustrating for you, perhaps we need to
9:23
Speaker 1: take a break and play something else that is other
9:25
Speaker 1: things that are fun for you, Like Sudoku is fun
9:27
Speaker 1: for you, Chess's fun for you, Legos are fun for you.
9:30
Speaker 1: Like what are some other things you can do to
9:32
Speaker 1: take a break away from the screen? And the other
9:35
Speaker 1: thing is that like moving away from the computer, but
9:38
Speaker 1: also like using that movement because if you're full of
9:42
Speaker 1: that frustration and anger, there's a lot of energy in
9:45
Speaker 1: your body, so you want to get it out. So
9:47
Speaker 1: my son actually goes and kicks a soccer ball. He
9:50
Speaker 1: like goes to the garage and he like and he
9:52
Speaker 1: just kicks it and kicks it and kicks it. And
9:53
Speaker 1: he figured that out on his own after we'd had
9:56
Speaker 1: some conversations about you're getting really frustrated. I'm noticing your
10:00
Speaker 1: face is getting red, your hands are clenched, And I
10:02
Speaker 1: will go through and like note all the things that
10:04
Speaker 1: are happening in his body, and then I will will
10:07
Speaker 1: and I say, is that what is going on for you?
10:10
Speaker 1: And then he'll be like yeah, yeah, yeah, And you
10:13
Speaker 1: know it's not I make it sound pretty and easy
10:15
Speaker 1: and beautiful like it was in that moment. No, it's not.
10:17
Speaker 1: It's like sometimes it's all messy, like he doesn't want
10:20
Speaker 1: to hear me in that moment, right, So we come
10:22
Speaker 1: back to it later, and so I'll say, you know,
10:25
Speaker 1: maybe the next day, maybe like on a walk in
10:28
Speaker 1: the car, over a nice snack, like doing something like
10:33
Speaker 1: a third thing is always really helpful rather than just
10:35
Speaker 1: like talking directly face to face. Yeah, yeah, it's intense,
10:38
Speaker 1: but to talk about like, okay, so that didn't go
10:41
Speaker 1: well yesterday, Like what happened? What are the things that worked?
10:45
Speaker 1: What didn't work, what made you really frustrated? What are
10:48
Speaker 1: we going to do the next time this happens? And
10:50
Speaker 1: it just revisiting that plan over and over and over
10:54
Speaker 1: again to figure out what are the strategies that are
10:56
Speaker 1: going to work, what worked a little bit, what worked longer,
10:59
Speaker 1: what didn't work all and modifying as time goes on.
11:03
Speaker 1: M M.
11:04
Speaker 2: But what can we do in that moment? Because I
11:06
Speaker 2: get this question so often. My kid knows strategies. We
11:09
Speaker 2: talk about all these strategies, we talk about them outside
11:12
Speaker 2: of the moment, but still in the moment, they can't
11:17
Speaker 2: use them, they can't call on them, they don't want
11:19
Speaker 2: me to remind them. Whatever it is right in the
11:22
Speaker 2: thick of it, what do we do?
11:26
Speaker 1: So for me, it's all about me actually at that moment,
11:30
Speaker 1: because it's my issue that I am wanting to fix
11:34
Speaker 1: what's going on for them, But it's their feelings right
11:37
Speaker 1: like they're they're having them. Maybe they're not doing things
11:40
Speaker 1: that I would approve of or think are a great
11:42
Speaker 1: way to manage that moment, right, But I also have
11:45
Speaker 1: to manage myself because I want to set the tone
11:49
Speaker 1: in my house. I want to set the temperature. I
11:51
Speaker 1: don't want to escalate as he's escalating, like that's just
11:54
Speaker 1: not going to lead to anything productive. So it really
11:57
Speaker 1: comes back to me staying calm in the moment, like
12:00
Speaker 1: this is a moment. We will get through this. And
12:02
Speaker 1: in terms of talking to a child who's having those moments,
12:06
Speaker 1: I keep it really simple, keep my language very short,
12:09
Speaker 1: and I repeat the same thing. I'm here when you're ready,
12:12
Speaker 1: or let me know when you're ready to talk. I
12:15
Speaker 1: try and share my calm. I want to be as
12:17
Speaker 1: calm as possible, and sometimes I will walk Like when
12:20
Speaker 1: my kids were little, I would stay closer, but when
12:22
Speaker 1: they are now that they're older, I can walk away
12:24
Speaker 1: a little bit more because I know that things aren't
12:27
Speaker 1: going to get so destroyed, like like when they were little,
12:31
Speaker 1: like we would set up like we would make sure
12:34
Speaker 1: that rooms were in a place where things weren't destroyed,
12:37
Speaker 1: like taking all the things out that could hurt a
12:39
Speaker 1: wall or could damage property, right, so we would just
12:43
Speaker 1: it was very like stripped down. The other thing that
12:46
Speaker 1: I really like to do is use visuals as a reminder.
12:49
Speaker 1: So instead of me saying it, they might have the
12:52
Speaker 1: visuals on their wall. I've done that with kids that
12:54
Speaker 1: I work with, So I will set up a calm
12:56
Speaker 1: space in their room where they have their visuals of
12:59
Speaker 1: things that they can do. They have their little toolkit
13:02
Speaker 1: of things that are ready to go. And so in
13:05
Speaker 1: those moments, instead of me talking through it, I will
13:07
Speaker 1: point or we will practice before those moments to be like, hey,
13:12
Speaker 1: when you are having a moment, let's walk into your room.
13:15
Speaker 1: Where do you look? You look over there, yeah, let's
13:18
Speaker 1: practice a few of those right now. So it's really
13:20
Speaker 1: that practice and planning, and it takes a long time.
13:25
Speaker 1: It just takes repetition in order for those skills to
13:29
Speaker 1: sort of start to stick and internally for them to
13:32
Speaker 1: be able to do it. Yeah, And it's just it's
13:34
Speaker 1: what it is. It takes time. We all take time
13:37
Speaker 1: to learn things, and they're learning how to manage their feelings.
13:40
Speaker 1: Their feelings are big, and that is okay.
13:43
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it's difficulty. You know, they just don't have
13:45
Speaker 2: the skills yet, they don't have the you know, twenty
13:50
Speaker 2: five thirty forty years of practice that we have, and
13:54
Speaker 2: yet we sort of expect that they're able to manage
13:56
Speaker 2: things the way that we do. And that's the goal.
14:00
Speaker 2: But we have to give it the appropriate amount of time.
14:03
Speaker 2: And I always tell parents and coaching, like, when you're
14:07
Speaker 2: sure that there's no way this is working, keep going.
14:11
Speaker 2: You didn't get there yet, Like we always want to
14:15
Speaker 2: give up too early, and we really have to stick
14:18
Speaker 2: with it because it will make a difference in the
14:20
Speaker 2: long run. You know, we're trying to create habits. We're
14:22
Speaker 2: trying to create a habit of I feel explosive, but
14:27
Speaker 2: I'm going to stop and I'm going to think about it, like,
14:29
Speaker 2: how hard is that? Right? It's so difficult, So we
14:33
Speaker 2: have to give them time to be able to get there,
14:35
Speaker 2: I think for sure.
14:37
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think about it as like a marathon, not
14:39
Speaker 1: a spring. Right. We want to give them a strategy
14:41
Speaker 1: and want them to fly with it and make sure
14:43
Speaker 1: that they can use it every single time. And that
14:45
Speaker 1: is just not how it works. And I also tell parents,
14:48
Speaker 1: do not give up, do not give up, keep going,
14:50
Speaker 1: keep going, and look for those tiny moments, those tiny
14:54
Speaker 1: shifts of change, because that's what's going to keep you going. Like,
14:58
Speaker 1: maybe it is not it frequent, maybe it is not
15:01
Speaker 1: as long. Maybe something worked for a moment that is hope.
15:05
Speaker 1: That is a sign that there is some movement, even
15:09
Speaker 1: if it's teeny teeny tiny hold on to that.
15:13
Speaker 2: Yes, I keep going, Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. That
15:17
Speaker 2: was one of the big pivotal moments for me and
15:19
Speaker 2: my parenting was starting to recognize and celebrate progress instead
15:24
Speaker 2: of still worrying about the fact that we hadn't gotten
15:26
Speaker 2: there yet. Yes, and oh my gosh, what does this
15:28
Speaker 2: mean for my kid ten, fifteen, twenty years from now?
15:31
Speaker 2: Because I am definitely a future caster and worry about
15:36
Speaker 2: all the things, and so many of those things that
15:39
Speaker 2: I worried about when my kids were little never happen, right, Like,
15:44
Speaker 2: at this age, none of that is a problem, right,
15:49
Speaker 2: and so we just have to give them time. But
15:52
Speaker 2: it's so hard, Like we just want them to be happy, right,
15:55
Speaker 2: it's just so hard to see them struggle, I think,
15:58
Speaker 2: And so you know, we can validate that experience but
16:02
Speaker 2: also say, hey, there's hope.
16:04
Speaker 1: Keep going, Yeah, exactly, because there is hope. It's really
16:08
Speaker 1: hard as a parent to watch when things are not
16:11
Speaker 1: going well. It is so hard to sit and just
16:13
Speaker 1: be like, and I'm here again, and you do, especially
16:16
Speaker 1: like if you're dealing with anxiety yourself and you're dealing
16:19
Speaker 1: with all sorts of things, you go big picture. It's
16:22
Speaker 1: really easy to be like, and they're gonna live in
16:23
Speaker 1: my basement until they're thirty, And I don't know what
16:25
Speaker 1: to do.
16:28
Speaker 2: We can't have that, Oh my god, what do we
16:31
Speaker 2: need to do now while they're five to make sure
16:33
Speaker 2: they don't live in my basement in twenty five years.
16:36
Speaker 2: It's so real life though, Like I've had so many
16:39
Speaker 2: of those thoughts.
16:40
Speaker 1: And worries.
16:49
Speaker 2: Can we talk a little bit about kids who are
16:51
Speaker 2: super resistant, because I think a lot of our kids are,
16:56
Speaker 2: especially that avoidance of discomfort. I think a lot of
17:00
Speaker 2: times that also makes them not want to talk about
17:03
Speaker 2: what they would do if that happened. They don't want
17:06
Speaker 2: to talk about coping skills for those times, or they
17:08
Speaker 2: don't want to debrief later. Mike had never wanted to
17:11
Speaker 2: talk about something even days after, because he didn't want
17:15
Speaker 2: to go back. He didn't want to have that feeling again,
17:17
Speaker 2: right and talking about it, he was going to have
17:19
Speaker 2: that feeling again at.
17:20
Speaker 1: Least a little bit.
17:21
Speaker 2: So what do we do in those scenarios to teach
17:25
Speaker 2: the skills when they aren't really open to even having
17:27
Speaker 2: conversations about it.
17:29
Speaker 1: So sometimes what I will do is I will actually
17:32
Speaker 1: ask them about other kids. I will talk with them
17:34
Speaker 1: about what other teens do, what other kids do, what
17:37
Speaker 1: have you noticed with other people? If they have some
17:39
Speaker 1: close friends, like if Susie was dealing with this, is
17:43
Speaker 1: if Eloise was challenged with this, If you know Steve
17:46
Speaker 1: was having a hard time with this, what would you
17:48
Speaker 1: say to them? What would you do? What would what
17:50
Speaker 1: do you think would be helpful for your friend in
17:53
Speaker 1: that moment, So it's vulnerable to talk about yourself. It's
17:56
Speaker 1: hard to talk about yourself, but if you put it on,
17:59
Speaker 1: like what have you noticed the other kids, they're more
18:01
Speaker 1: than happy to talk about it. Usually, like they'll talk
18:04
Speaker 1: about other kids till the cows come home, like what
18:06
Speaker 1: did you see in school today? Well, this kid won't
18:09
Speaker 1: believe this. So it's easier sometimes to talk about other
18:12
Speaker 1: kids and use that as a way to start to
18:15
Speaker 1: get back to the conversation about them. But starting with
18:19
Speaker 1: like just laying the groundwork of like let's just have
18:21
Speaker 1: a conversation about strategies that people use when they get
18:24
Speaker 1: angry when it comes to friends. I will also use media,
18:27
Speaker 1: so I will use characters on TV. I will use
18:30
Speaker 1: characters in books, like especially for little kids. Pigeon of
18:34
Speaker 1: Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus has a lot
18:36
Speaker 1: of big feelings, like really big. Yeah. Yeah, we talk
18:40
Speaker 1: about pigeons big feelings all the time, and that's fun
18:43
Speaker 1: because he's really ridiculous and over the top, right, But
18:46
Speaker 1: then it's like a great way to enter into the
18:49
Speaker 1: conversation about like, okay, he has really big feelings? Is
18:52
Speaker 1: this realistic? Like why is a pigeon trying to drive
18:55
Speaker 1: the bus, like what are we doing? What would you
18:57
Speaker 1: do with a pigeon? It's got on your bus and
18:59
Speaker 1: try to drive. But then the other thing sometimes I
19:02
Speaker 1: will do, especially with my older kids, is I will
19:05
Speaker 1: encourage writing instead, So instead of talking about it face
19:09
Speaker 1: to face, I will encourage like a journal back and forth,
19:13
Speaker 1: so like put it under their pillow, you write to them,
19:16
Speaker 1: they write back to you, like if that is something
19:19
Speaker 1: that is a medium that feels good for them, And
19:22
Speaker 1: it's easier to sort of start a conversation in writing
19:25
Speaker 1: rather than talking. And I always like to use whenever
19:29
Speaker 1: I'm talking with kids, Like even as a therapist, I
19:32
Speaker 1: almost never talk directly to a kid without having something
19:36
Speaker 1: else to do. So I'm always playing a game. We're drawing,
19:40
Speaker 1: we are I'm not making eye contact. I almost never
19:42
Speaker 1: make my contact, especially we're having our conversations. I'm like,
19:46
Speaker 1: here's your drawing, here's our gel pens. Let's get started.
19:49
Speaker 1: And as we're drawing, and I'm weaving in the conversations
19:53
Speaker 1: around like okay, I'm noticing, like your mom told me
19:57
Speaker 1: that there were some really big feelings blah blah blah
20:00
Speaker 1: about the spelling test. Let's talk about that, and if
20:03
Speaker 1: it gets to be too much, I will step back.
20:06
Speaker 1: We want to talk about it all all the time.
20:08
Speaker 1: We want to talk to the whole thing and we
20:10
Speaker 1: want to solve it. And sometimes that's not going to
20:13
Speaker 1: be as helpful. Sometimes it's like we are you have
20:16
Speaker 1: to think about It's like you're planting a seed. We're
20:17
Speaker 1: just going to have a tiny little bit of a conversation.
20:20
Speaker 1: They are not open. We'll revisit you know where they live.
20:24
Speaker 1: You can come back to it, you can circle back.
20:26
Speaker 1: So I like to do that. And the other thing
20:28
Speaker 1: is that I gather a team around me because I
20:31
Speaker 1: know that I can't do it all even as a therapist.
20:35
Speaker 1: I am not a therapist. When I talk to my
20:37
Speaker 1: kids usually like I will put my therapist hat on sometimes,
20:41
Speaker 1: But if I need them to have more deeper conversations
20:45
Speaker 1: with somebody else about their feelings about their strategies, I
20:48
Speaker 1: will get somebody else on the team. I will enlist
20:52
Speaker 1: my sister, I will enlist another therapist, I will enlist
20:55
Speaker 1: occupational therapy, like whatever I need to do in order
20:58
Speaker 1: to help bring the strategies together. If it's not for me,
21:03
Speaker 1: that's Okay, I just need strategies in there in some
21:07
Speaker 1: way from another trusted adults, if it's the coach, if
21:10
Speaker 1: it's somebody from church, like whoever it is, I'm gathering
21:13
Speaker 1: a team to help support me.
21:15
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's so important. The job of parenting a kid
21:18
Speaker 2: who's neurodiversion is often isolating anyway, So we need more
21:23
Speaker 2: people on our team in that regard to you. But
21:27
Speaker 2: you know, if your kid is not open to talking to,
21:30
Speaker 2: you find someone they're open to talking to, because generally
21:35
Speaker 2: there will be someone. You know, the parent might be
21:38
Speaker 2: the least likely person that they really want to talk to,
21:40
Speaker 2: especially at different ages. I want to pivot a little
21:44
Speaker 2: bit and talk about like setting up our environment at
21:48
Speaker 2: home to foster more coping skills and growth in managing emotions.
21:56
Speaker 2: Do you have some ideas about routine, about tools, about relationship,
22:03
Speaker 2: you know, building that connection. What do we need to
22:06
Speaker 2: know there?
22:07
Speaker 1: So there are three sort of things that I think
22:09
Speaker 1: about when it comes to setting up a home where
22:13
Speaker 1: you can really implement coping skills. The first is just connection,
22:17
Speaker 1: and that is you want to connect with your kids.
22:20
Speaker 1: Sometimes I think we get so caught up in grades
22:22
Speaker 1: and fixing things and doing stuff that we actually kind
22:26
Speaker 1: of forget, like we want to still have a relationship
22:29
Speaker 1: with them, so we want to play with them. Yeah,
22:31
Speaker 1: like with no sort of like ulterior motives like I
22:34
Speaker 1: just want to play Legos with you. I want to
22:36
Speaker 1: play a video game with you. Let's read a book together,
22:38
Speaker 1: Let's watch a YouTuber together, let's watch a movie together,
22:42
Speaker 1: let's make something together. So really, when we have those
22:46
Speaker 1: moments of connection that are just pure moments of connection.
22:50
Speaker 1: And this is not to say that it's not like
22:52
Speaker 1: I have two teenagers. It's real. Sometimes it's like a
22:55
Speaker 1: little brightening. Okay, they're cranking. But to have those moments
23:02
Speaker 1: where we can actually relate to one another when you
23:04
Speaker 1: have that base of connection, when you have that base
23:07
Speaker 1: of an actual, like genuine warm relationship, when things go wrong,
23:12
Speaker 1: it's easier to then have a different kind of conversation.
23:16
Speaker 1: There's a trust, there's a respect there because we've played
23:20
Speaker 1: those games, because we've had those conversations, because we've just
23:23
Speaker 1: had fun together and been silly and then nonsense like
23:27
Speaker 1: that's actually my favorite part about being a parent is
23:31
Speaker 1: to have those moments of connection, to play, to chat
23:35
Speaker 1: about nonsense like tell me what people are doing at lunch, Like,
23:39
Speaker 1: what is happening? Why are people throwing food? I don't understand?
23:43
Speaker 1: Like tell me about the Minecraft movie that you both saw.
23:46
Speaker 1: Why are people throwing popcorn? What is it happen? So
23:51
Speaker 1: the connection is the first one. The second one is
23:55
Speaker 1: really about structure, and that really comes down to, you know,
24:00
Speaker 1: creating an environment that is predictable. You want to create
24:05
Speaker 1: an environment where you sort of have some predictability about
24:08
Speaker 1: what is going to happen. Now. I know days look
24:11
Speaker 1: different after school activities can throw things off, but there
24:15
Speaker 1: is something really helpful even when you're doing something like
24:19
Speaker 1: routines for bedtime, like we take a bath, we read books,
24:23
Speaker 1: and then we go to bed, right Like it's the
24:25
Speaker 1: b routine. That's what I would call it my kids
24:28
Speaker 1: were younger. There is a routine for like maybe after dinner,
24:32
Speaker 1: like we all take a point in cleaning up different
24:36
Speaker 1: parts of the kitchen and then we sit down and
24:38
Speaker 1: watch one episode of a show together and then we disperse,
24:41
Speaker 1: right Like, just having some sort of routines and expectations.
24:44
Speaker 1: On Saturdays we do this, On Sundays we do this.
24:47
Speaker 1: This is not to say that every single time that's
24:49
Speaker 1: what's going to happen, and that's where you can build
24:52
Speaker 1: in a little bit of resilience and flexibility training. Yeh,
24:54
Speaker 1: because that is it's a routine is lovely. A routine
24:58
Speaker 1: always doesn't happen, and that is life, and so we
25:02
Speaker 1: just that's a way to just build in that. And
25:05
Speaker 1: then the other thing I like to do is actually
25:08
Speaker 1: having a space or a place for those strategies for
25:13
Speaker 1: coping skills to live. So when my children were little,
25:18
Speaker 1: I set up a space in our home in our
25:20
Speaker 1: living room where that was the coping corner, Like we
25:23
Speaker 1: had posters up where we were working on feelings and
25:27
Speaker 1: the strategies that they really liked to use were ready
25:29
Speaker 1: to go in there. Now that they're older, they sort
25:32
Speaker 1: of do that on their own in their rooms, so
25:35
Speaker 1: they have like their own like little strategies, but having
25:38
Speaker 1: a toolkit ready to go with things that you know
25:41
Speaker 1: will work, that are like their top three to five strategies,
25:44
Speaker 1: like what are these things? Visuals can be really helpful,
25:47
Speaker 1: but to really be planful about it, if that makes sense.
25:51
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I think it's so important. It's not something
25:54
Speaker 2: that I knew to do when my kids were younger,
25:56
Speaker 2: but now you know, just last month and the Regular
25:59
Speaker 2: Kids product, I had a whole thing on how to
26:01
Speaker 2: build your coping corner, calm corner.
26:04
Speaker 1: Whatever you want to call it.
26:06
Speaker 2: Let your kid name it, let them own it, right,
26:09
Speaker 2: give them all the tools that they want that they
26:12
Speaker 2: feel like they connect with and are going to use.
26:15
Speaker 2: And I think that's another good point too. It's like
26:17
Speaker 2: you can suggest all the strategies in the world. If
26:21
Speaker 2: your kid doesn't connect with it or doesn't want to
26:24
Speaker 2: do it, it is never going to work. Like let
26:27
Speaker 2: them lead in that way. Like we are all like, oh,
26:31
Speaker 2: just breathe, just breathe, and they're like, ah, you know,
26:34
Speaker 2: and it's because in that moment at least that doesn't
26:38
Speaker 2: make sense for them, or it doesn't do it all
26:40
Speaker 2: at all. So really leaning into what does our kid want.
26:44
Speaker 2: Are they open to experimenting by trying this thing or
26:47
Speaker 2: are they not? If they're not, you know, I wrote
26:50
Speaker 2: down the word pressure a little bit ago as we
26:52
Speaker 2: were talking, because a lot of what you're saying is
26:56
Speaker 2: pulling back the pressure. Yes, you know, if you're doing
26:58
Speaker 2: something else with your kid, coloring or whatever, that's less
27:02
Speaker 2: pressure than this eye to eye conversation. Right, If you're
27:06
Speaker 2: just building connection instead of going this was not okay,
27:11
Speaker 2: we need to fix this and we're going.
27:12
Speaker 1: To have a conversation.
27:13
Speaker 2: Right. You're just lifting that pressure that often makes our
27:16
Speaker 2: kids shut down anyway, if they feel a lot of pressure,
27:19
Speaker 2: they can they're not learning anything they can't, right, So
27:22
Speaker 2: that pressure is difficult.
27:24
Speaker 1: It was a.
27:24
Speaker 2: Difficult lesson for me as a parent because I'm a fixer.
27:28
Speaker 2: Yes you know, I just want to get it done
27:30
Speaker 2: and I want to fix it and I want everybody
27:32
Speaker 2: to feel hunky dory all the time. And I had
27:34
Speaker 2: to learn yes, that's not the way all the time.
27:38
Speaker 1: I know the problem solving piece. It's really hard to
27:41
Speaker 1: turn that off. It's really hard because especially when you're like, well,
27:44
Speaker 1: if you just did this, it would be better, right, right,
27:47
Speaker 1: Except they're their own like person, so like what works
27:50
Speaker 1: for them is not what works necessarily for me. Like
27:54
Speaker 1: my two kids cope in very different ways than I do.
27:57
Speaker 1: Like my daughter copes in some in some ways we're
28:00
Speaker 1: similarly to me. But my son is a super extrovert,
28:03
Speaker 1: Like he'd be happy outside all day long, playing with
28:05
Speaker 1: his friends. I'm like that sounds like my nightmaw. Yeah,
28:10
Speaker 1: he love it. He loves, and I have to honor
28:12
Speaker 1: that because that's him as a person, Like, okay, you
28:15
Speaker 1: really like that, you want to be hanging out with
28:17
Speaker 1: people that gives you energy. That is a way, like
28:20
Speaker 1: you need to move to cope. I get it, Like
28:22
Speaker 1: that is what is for you. It is not necessarily
28:26
Speaker 1: my way. Like I would not ever pick to kick
28:28
Speaker 1: a soccer ball, like never ever in my life ever,
28:32
Speaker 1: but I would walk and I would dance right honoring
28:36
Speaker 1: who they are it makes it easier for them to
28:38
Speaker 1: actually do it because if it's coming from them, if
28:41
Speaker 1: they're like I really like sudoku, I really like coloring,
28:44
Speaker 1: I really like crochet, and that's something that's going to
28:47
Speaker 1: help me, then it's going to be more likely that
28:50
Speaker 1: they use it because it's something that they already like.
28:52
Speaker 2: Mm hmm for sure. Before we close, let's talk for
28:56
Speaker 2: a second about parent coping skills, adult coping skills, because
29:01
Speaker 2: you know, our nervous systems get triggered too. Where all
29:05
Speaker 2: human beings have this autonomic nervous system that is our
29:10
Speaker 2: sort of safety alarm to keep us safe and protected.
29:13
Speaker 2: And when our kids are yelling at us, our body
29:18
Speaker 2: is going to react, and we have to learn how
29:21
Speaker 2: to do it differently and teach ourselves. How do we
29:25
Speaker 2: do that? Like, I know that's a five week conversation,
29:28
Speaker 2: but what are the basics? Where can we start?
29:31
Speaker 1: It's so funny that you asked me that, because I
29:33
Speaker 1: am working actually on in a book for adults. So
29:36
Speaker 1: I've written in a chice book, of written the teen book,
29:39
Speaker 1: and now I'm writing the adult book because this is
29:41
Speaker 1: such a big issue that comes up every single time
29:44
Speaker 1: I speak or talk about coping skills for kids or
29:47
Speaker 1: teens without fail, an adult will be like, well, I
29:51
Speaker 1: am really struggling because I don't have my own strategies,
29:53
Speaker 1: or the adults in my building are not coping well
29:56
Speaker 1: and they are taking their anger out on the kids,
29:58
Speaker 1: Like they're so much for us as the adult where
30:04
Speaker 1: we need to build our own strategies and we never
30:07
Speaker 1: learned them. Like I was luckily lucky enough to be
30:10
Speaker 1: in therapy as a teenager, Like I don't know how
30:12
Speaker 1: that happened, God bless my mom, but like I, and
30:16
Speaker 1: it was really helpful. It was super duper up because
30:19
Speaker 1: I really learned a lot of strategies that I still
30:21
Speaker 1: actually use with my clients to this day. That were
30:25
Speaker 1: really helpful, but not everybody had that opportunity, right, So
30:28
Speaker 1: to be able to first recognize like, okay, I need
30:32
Speaker 1: help with working on these strategies. It's okay, give yourself grace.
30:35
Speaker 1: It is okay, be okay with being an imperfect human
30:39
Speaker 1: because we all are, we all make mistakes, we all
30:41
Speaker 1: do not do things one hundred percent perfectly. The second
30:44
Speaker 1: thing is to think about, like, really, what are things
30:48
Speaker 1: that bring you joy, that make you happy, that help
30:51
Speaker 1: you relax, Like not what people are telling you, not
30:55
Speaker 1: what like Instagram reels is pushing for you? Like what
30:59
Speaker 1: makes you happy, what brings you toy, what makes you laugh,
31:03
Speaker 1: what helps your brain get a break, And to really
31:06
Speaker 1: build those things into your schedule. So that's really I
31:10
Speaker 1: think the hardest part for families and for parents in
31:13
Speaker 1: particular is to actually be intentional about our time, So
31:19
Speaker 1: to intentionally build in those things that are going to
31:22
Speaker 1: be those like mental wellness breaks that we need to
31:25
Speaker 1: really fill our cups again. But then also in those
31:28
Speaker 1: moments when our kids are having a hard time, we
31:30
Speaker 1: need like nine to one to one skills, right, we
31:32
Speaker 1: need like our emergency like I'm going to take a breath,
31:35
Speaker 1: I'm going to put a cold compress on the back
31:37
Speaker 1: of my neck, I'm going to take a drink of water,
31:39
Speaker 1: I'm going to go outside, Like what are those things
31:42
Speaker 1: that we can do in the moment to help us
31:44
Speaker 1: stay regulated? So it's like there's we have to have
31:47
Speaker 1: that in the moment skills just like our kids, and
31:49
Speaker 1: we have to have those like, Okay, what are the
31:51
Speaker 1: things that are going to help replenish me so I
31:53
Speaker 1: can get up and do this again tomorrow.
31:56
Speaker 2: It's not just about that even, It's also about coregulation
32:00
Speaker 2: and offering coregulation right, and so much of what we've
32:03
Speaker 2: talked about here. You know, when I'm talking to parents
32:07
Speaker 2: about regulation activities and exercises, I'm like, bonus points. If
32:10
Speaker 2: you do it with them, you should be doing it
32:13
Speaker 2: with them because you're offering coregulation. You know, those mirror
32:17
Speaker 2: neurons are getting activated, but also you're working on your
32:21
Speaker 2: own nervous system with them. Like these are human being skills.
32:27
Speaker 2: And I just think like if we taught kids, all
32:31
Speaker 2: kids about emotional intelligence and emotional regulation, the world would
32:36
Speaker 2: be a different place. Like you know, when we were kids,
32:39
Speaker 2: nobody talked about that, Nobody thought about it. Our parents
32:41
Speaker 2: didn't know unless maybe they were a therapist, they didn't
32:45
Speaker 2: know about this stuff either. And that, you know, it's
32:47
Speaker 2: just like this gap for a lot of generations that
32:51
Speaker 2: I'm hoping now we can start filling because we'll have
32:56
Speaker 2: happier humans. We'll have humans that interact better with each other,
32:59
Speaker 2: that empathize with each other. Right, all the things that
33:01
Speaker 2: I'm hoping that we keep building.
33:05
Speaker 1: Yes, And the thing about coregulation is that for those
33:09
Speaker 1: resistant kids, even if they don't do it with you,
33:12
Speaker 1: this is an opportunity for them to see. Okay, I
33:15
Speaker 1: am noticing that my adult takes deep breaths when they
33:18
Speaker 1: are having on It's not just me. I am noticing
33:21
Speaker 1: my adult has big feelings about certain things and they
33:25
Speaker 1: are doing things. I will actually narrate out loud what
33:28
Speaker 1: I am doing. I will be like, I am really
33:30
Speaker 1: frustrated right now, so I'm going to take a five
33:32
Speaker 1: minute walk around the block. I will be right back.
33:35
Speaker 1: I'm really irritated. I'm going to take a drink of water,
33:37
Speaker 1: and I'm just going to take myself to time out
33:39
Speaker 1: for five minutes and I'll be back, Like, I will
33:43
Speaker 1: literally narrate it out loud for them. So even if
33:46
Speaker 1: they're not doing it with me, I'm sharing what I
33:49
Speaker 1: am doing. They see it in real life, like Okay,
33:52
Speaker 1: mom gets frustrated, Mom gets angry? What do I do?
33:55
Speaker 1: What does she do when she does this? You know,
33:57
Speaker 1: even if they don't do it with me when they
33:59
Speaker 1: were young, or I would have them do it with me,
34:01
Speaker 1: But even if they don't do it with me, it's
34:02
Speaker 1: still sharing what I am doing to keep myself calm.
34:06
Speaker 1: M hm.
34:06
Speaker 2: Yep. That modeling is so important. Yeah, yeah, so much
34:10
Speaker 2: more we can talk about, but we are out of time.
34:13
Speaker 2: So let everybody know where they can find you online,
34:16
Speaker 2: where they can find the books, how they can learn
34:18
Speaker 2: more from you.
34:19
Speaker 1: Sure, So if you go to Coping Skills for Kids
34:21
Speaker 1: dot com, there's a bunch of free resources on there
34:24
Speaker 1: all about like anxiety, deep breathing, stress, anger. And then
34:31
Speaker 1: if they want to get the books, they can go
34:32
Speaker 1: to store dot Coping Skills for Kids dot com or
34:35
Speaker 1: they're also available on Amazon.
34:37
Speaker 2: Nice, And I will link all of that up in
34:39
Speaker 2: the show notes for everybody, which are at Parentingadhdanautism dot
34:42
Speaker 2: com slash three zero nine for episode three hundred and nine,
34:47
Speaker 2: And I really thank you Janine, I always have the
34:50
Speaker 2: best conversations with you. I love to talk about emotional
34:54
Speaker 2: regulation and coping skills with you. It's always fun and
34:57
Speaker 2: it should be fun, like this is how we get
34:59
Speaker 2: our kids in aged And I just appreciate you and
35:02
Speaker 2: all the work that you're doing for kids and families
35:05
Speaker 2: and thank you for sharing some of that with us.
35:07
Speaker 1: Oh you're welcome. Thank you so much for having me.
35:09
Speaker 1: I'm so delighted to actually be connected with you because
35:12
Speaker 1: it's you know, talking to somebody else who like get
35:14
Speaker 1: who's in the world, Like like I want to talk
35:17
Speaker 1: about coping skills all the time. Like I know, I'm yeah, yeah,
35:19
Speaker 1: you're a nerd about that.
35:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, shared passion. It's fun to have conversation with people
35:25
Speaker 2: who have a shared passion. For sure. I'll see everybody
35:28
Speaker 2: in the next episode.
35:30
Speaker 1: Take good care.
35:32
Speaker 2: Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If
35:35
Speaker 2: you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't
35:39
Speaker 2: forget to check out my online courses and parent coaching
35:42
Speaker 2: at Parenting ADHD and Autism dot com and at The
35:46
Speaker 2: Behavior Revolution dot com.