Latest / Healthy, Period. / Ep 34: Understanding Your Emotional Patterns with Special Guest, Brittany Beaver

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Ep 34: Understanding Your Emotional Patterns with Special Guest, Brittany Beaver · Healthy, Period.

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Hey everyone.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to the Healthy Period podcast.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Coach Kate, and today we have a very special guest.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: Her name is Brittany.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Hi guys.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: So excited to be here.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm so excited to have you too.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Uh Brittany and I met in Colorado last month.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's been over a month already.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my goodness.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: We met in Colorado, and when I heard her speak, I knew that the world needed to hear her, but especially all the girls that listen to me need to hear her.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm just gonna give you a quick background on Britney, and then we're gonna jump right in because today we have some heavy, heavy content that I'm so excited to bring to the table.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: So Brittany Beaver brings order to chaos with systems that work.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: She built a team and a business at Arborne International into the top 1% of the company over 13 years.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: That work taught her that a business grows the same way a person does, with clear systems, honest conversations, and someone who will name what's holding you back.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Brittany is the founder and CEO of the Flourishing Collective, an organizational health consultancy.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: She steps in as a fractional COO and growth leader for founders whose businesses are outgrowing their teams and systems.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: She is COO of the Grounds Club and founder and CEO of the practical space, a professional organizing company.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: And her background spans finance, recruiting, and nonprofit fundraising.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: And this is the part that I love about Britney the most is that her faith is the foundation of all of it.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: When life got hard, her faith and community carried her, and the systems came after.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: Now she helps women build businesses and lives strong enough to carry real weight, rooted in purpose and in the one who holds it all.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: So she does live in Colorado, which is where I had the pleasure of meeting her.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: And you'll also get to know, well, not today, but you'll hear a lot about her husband, David, and he's also her business partner.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: And they also have three kids.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: So Brittany, are you ready to jump?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm ready.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do it.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: So today we buckle up, we need some tissues, we need a notebook, get ready because we're gonna talk about emotions.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna talk about inner child, we're gonna talk about some trauma stuff, and we're gonna start, Brittany, with emotions.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: So when we were getting ready for this call together, you had an amazing it like the way that you talked about emotions and naming our emotions and what are they was incredible.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't want to butcher that.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: So will you start off with that framework and the emotions?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I have found over the years that um I grew up as someone who I didn't know how to name my emotions.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know how to have conversations about my emotions.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was really the good emotions were good and the hard emotions I just didn't talk about.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it was something that was kind of played down a little bit.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, not that it was all bad.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: It was just, it almost wasn't comfortable to feel certain things.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so about a decade ago, my husband went through um an organization that really helps men get to the root woundings, um, understand emotions, get comfortable with emotions, and really start to heal through some of that.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that was an organization he was a part of for years and years and years and still does a lot of work with them.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the things that I learned, and one of the basis um of their organization is teaching you to understand the six main emotions, how to name them and what to do with them.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so um there's six kind of main emotions.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, there's ones that offshoot off of them, um, but it's an acronym um that is Sachet, S-A-S-H-E-T.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's sad, angry, scared, happy, excited, and tender.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so those are our six main emotions.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And uh when he first taught me about those, I remember thinking, well, I have more emotions than that.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: But really, what I realized over time is that I had actually come up with words that I thought were describing how I was feeling, but it wasn't describing the root emotion of what I was actually feeling.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: So for example, I used the word frustrated all the time growing up.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: But really the emotion I was feeling was anger.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't know how to say it.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know how to own it.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know, I just didn't, I didn't know what that what that was.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, anger felt like a scary thing to say because I only saw really intense anger as a bad thing, and that's what it was.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: But anger can show up in a lot of different ways.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so something that this organization taught my husband was how to do emotional check-ins.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm sure we'll get to more of this later, but I wanted to touch on it because it's something that has been absolutely transformational in our marriage, our relationship, and in our family.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: We talk about it with our kids and uh at the dinner table.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so emotions are something we talk about all the time in this household.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so essentially what you do with a check-in is there's no, there's a couple rules around it.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're doing a check-in, um, whoever's speaking, the other person or people listening, are not allowed to interrupt.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're not allowed to have um judgments towards what they're saying, you're not allowed to ask questions unless it's helpful and they're ready for them.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: All your job is is to sit and listen and acknowledge.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, when you are sharing what your emotions are, we often will say things like, oh, well, you know, sometimes when we feel anger, instead of saying, I'm I'm angry, right?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's almost a way of uh not owning it.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have agency over it.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have ownership because you're not saying this is my emotion.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so in a check-in, I might say, I'm feeling excited, tender, and happy.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited because I'm on this podcast with Kate and we're getting to talk about all of these things.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm tender for anyone who's listening today who might be feeling a lot of things around emotions.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe there's just a lot of big T or little T trauma with emotions, or maybe you've never been taught emotions, and those things make me tender.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then happy because I'm just happy to be here.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy to be able to share all of these things.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I think these are these topics have totally helped me in my life in every area, in my relationships, in my work life, in um family life, in my kids, like every type of relationship in my life and in every area has been impacted by understanding what emotion is, how to name it, how to own those emotions, and then what to what to actually do with them.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so that's just kind of a a brief overview of what the main six emotions are and how we use them in our household and why I love them because it allows you to really name instead of oh, I'm so frustrated, I'm feeling angry because of X, Y, and Z is much more effective and it allows you to really to own it.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, amazing.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: I have so many questions, but like that was perfect.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: So, my first question, I want to go through like, why is simply naming an emotion so powerful?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like you just said that it is powerful, but I want to go through why um and what changes when we move from I'm fine or I'm stressed or I feel disappointed or unsupported.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like, how can we work through those to understand what our emotion really is?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: And let's just start there.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that anytime we have a feeling or an emotion, like, for example, I'm afraid of something, but we can't actually name what we're afraid of.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: It it feels bigger in our minds and our hearts and our brains and sometimes our bodies too, than if we say, I'm afraid of the lightning.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and this is just might be a silly example, but it's like, or I'm afraid of the dark.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: When we actually name something, it loses the power over us in a way of like, okay, if I'm saying I'm afraid of the dark, well, guess what?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: I can go turn the light on.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then I can overcome the fear that I'm experiencing right now with the darkness, right?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: But if I just say I'm afraid of something, but I can't actually name what I'm afraid of, then it this fear of something just starts to continue to overwhelm us more and more and more.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we can name emotions, we're actually allowing our body to have something exit.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I had a counselor tell me one time, she said, Brittany, if you cannot learn to name what you're feeling and talk about it, those experiences and emotions can't actually leave your physical body.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I think sometimes we have all of these things happen in our life.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: We have all of these hard experiences or traumatic experiences or things happen.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: We don't talk about them, we don't name them.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And they just slowly over time, they start building and building and building.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then something small happens, and what happens?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: We explode.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because we we have continued to try and push things down and not name our emotions.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think that the mere fact of naming an emotion allows you to create agency over whatever it is that's going on, whatever you're feeling, and whatever the circumstances that you're in.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you have agency, you can do something about it, right?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh, I have agency over this emotion, I'm owning this emotion.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I can actually take a step forward and do something with it.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's why I think naming is so important.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and and also when you move from something simple like, I'm fine.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, most of the time we say that I could go on a tangent for hours about all of these things, but I'm gonna keep it short and to the point.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: When we say I'm fine, I'm just stressed, I'm whatever, it's a we're deflecting from something that we either are afraid to feel, don't want to feel, or it feels too big to handle or deal with.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: So we're just gonna move through thinking eventually it'll go away.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here to tell you it will not go away.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be able to name it.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that can feel really hard.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like I acknowledge that to come into a space where you're like, I don't even know how to say what I'm feeling, I don't know how to name what I'm feeling.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: This feels scary to me.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: The thing that feels the scariest, you guys, is often the thing that we need the most to create healing.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just want to encourage you that if emotion in general feels scary, like it might be the one thing that's that's keeping you from healing in the way that you need to heal, whatever that looks like.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so instead of saying, I know I used this example earlier, I would always say I'm so frustrated.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, I what I can say that's actually helpful is I'm angry because I cannot get this thing to work.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so now I know exactly why I'm angry and why I'm feeling that frustration.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: And it's pointed towards this one particular thing versus I'm frustrated.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's so broad that your brain can't really land with it.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so it just stays frustrated.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: But when I'm like, yeah, I'm angry about that, it almost is like, okay, I said it, now I can move on, right?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Versus like rumorating over it because I'm like, ah, I'm just consistently frustrated.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think that's so important because I mean, I'm only 31 at this point.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like I haven't lived a lot of life, but I've lived enough to recognize, okay, I need to understand what is going on.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: Why do I feel this way?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: We talked last time about like matching our feeling to the reality of what is actually happening and understanding like, does my emotion, does my reaction to this thing match what's actually going on?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know, one of my favorite things, it's probably not a good thing to say, but one of my favorite things to calm myself down when I realize like I'm in a big heightened emotion is okay, like who died?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: If nobody died, it's okay.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: And like let's come back to reality and like work through this thing.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, nobody died because I'm I'm angry, I'm whatever I am.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: And nobody died, it's okay.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: Let's take a step back and we'll be able to move forward.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's one of my favorite things to do right now.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if that's helpful, but it's like it brings me back to the reality of nobody's dead.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody is safe and everything's okay, and I just feel heightened in whatever emotion it is, and then it helps me just work right through it.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: I would say I think that's good, but at the same time, sometimes I think when we make extremes or say extremes, it's also a it's also a way of um we can almost push our feelings to the side.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying, actually, yes, I'm okay.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a really hard circumstance.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually scared, very scared about what the outcome is gonna be or what the diagnosis is gonna be, or whatever it might be.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and to say those things versus, well, it's it's all fine.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like no one, no one died, everything's fine.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And your feelings are real.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean they're always true, but they are real.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes they're true, sometimes they're not.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like you were saying, sometimes life experiences uh put us in a situation where our emotions are much more heightened than what the reality of the situation is because of past experiences or past traumas or whatever it might be.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so, for you know, any situation, one of my favorite things to do is to ask myself, okay, Brittany, pause.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's like the the phrase that I use with myself often because I am such a go, go, go, go, go, and I can often not stop long enough to actually ask myself how I feel.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say to myself, either out loud or in my head, Brittany, just pause.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: It gives me a second to do a check-in with myself and be honest with myself.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes I don't want to share those things with other people.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I do.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but doing it with myself also is really, really grounding to be like, okay, everything feels like it's out of control.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I know I'm gonna be okay, but I still have these feelings and I want to recognize them, honor them so that I can move forward.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think not a lot of us were taught how to have an emotion and still move forward through it.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: It was, well, the emotion is gonna define you or the emotion is gonna dictate what you can or can't do.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's we want to feel it so that we can move through it.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was saying before, it like gets out of our body when we say it out loud.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it took me so long to even recognize that it's okay to have an emotion.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, then like I'm having an emotion.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: That is okay.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: Like you said, pause.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: I my pause is nobody's dead.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's okay for me to pause and work through this, right?
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, there's no, I don't have to immediately act on this emotion.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: I can pause myself, check in, and be like, all right, like, is this emotion true, or is this from a trauma or from something that eight-year-old me understood, or whatever?
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then it's like, okay, like nobody's dead, and this emotion is real and it's okay.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: And now how what's the next thing without like just completely dismissing myself?
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: I I think that's a good way of looking at it.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: So, okay, I want to go into the check-in part, but I have one question first.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because a lot of women I talk to feel like they don't know what they feel.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like you were saying, you're go, go, go, go, go.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: So am I.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I have to pause myself often.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: What besides, because we're gonna go into inner child work and trauma.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: Is there anything that like jumps out of your head as to like why women can be so disconnected from their emotions or just always set them to the side?
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think there could be, I mean, there could be a multitude of reasons, right?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: So these are just a handful of things that come to my mind.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um one, they were never taught that emotions are safe or good.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: They were either taught if you're not happy or excited, then that's bad, right?
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's almost like a scarcity mindset in the sense of like it's either one or the other, there's never gray.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the other thing is I think in the world of women in general, especially those of us who have careers or we're moms or we're families, or we have a partner, or we have a lot of responsibilities in our life.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um overwhelm is something that we often feel.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's almost like a well, that's just expected.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Why does that have to be expected in our lives, right?
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: As females or as women.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I think what will happen is that we start to believe that overwhelm and not stopping is just normal.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, this goes down a whole other trail of different conversations.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: But to like really answer your question, I think I often experience overwhelm with all the things going on in our world.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: And um, you know, I mean, I love being honest and sharing vulnerably so people really know me.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: But when I was in eighth grade, my mom was diagnosed with MS when uh 13 years ago when my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's and my daughter has CF.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like there, there has been so many diagnoses and life and things that happen that on top of career and family, and it is really overwhelming sometimes when in the last two days I've been getting calls from like, you know, companies to like refill prescriptions and medications and all of these things on top of life.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so oftentimes, if we are not careful, we just keep going in the overwhelm instead of asking ourselves, what's creating this?
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like pausing, and I don't mean stopping.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Pausing is one of the greatest gifts I have given myself in the last few years is learning.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: And a pause could be, hey, I'm driving from this meeting to this meeting, and I have 10 minutes in the car.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna make a phone call, I'm not gonna do something work-related, I'm not gonna make a voice note for something.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually just gonna sit with myself for 10 minutes and ask myself questions.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: So this is something that I started doing a couple of years ago, which has really, really helped me is just asking myself questions.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Brittany, why are you feeling overwhelmed right now?
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I have all of these, these, these, these.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, do you need to do all of those?
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: Can you delegate anything?
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Is there anything you can ask for help for?
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: We're really that asking for help.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: I am the worst, you guys.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, I can do that.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: I can do that, I can do that.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then my husband's always like, but you don't have to.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, you're right, I don't.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then it makes me cry every single time.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, you're right, I need to ask for help.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: I have so many people in my life that love me and love us and want to help.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the pause, asking yourself questions and asking yourself, like, am I afraid to feel emotions?
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you've never been taught that emotions are good and that they're healthy and they're actually helpful, then of course feeling emotion feels scary.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: And so you're like, well, I'm not gonna slow down long enough to feel anything.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: But I just I'm here to remind anyone that's listening.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: Every emotion that you feel doesn't have to be this like big, huge thing.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's not like, oh, I'm so sad, it's gonna take over for the next week.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: No, you can just say I am feeling deeply sad about that.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: Period.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, just saying it out loud, like doing a check-in with yourself in those pause moments of how am I feeling?
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I feeling this way?
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: What's causing these things?
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: And and maybe on the end of it, what do I need in this?
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: Do I and sometimes my husband will be like, Well, what do you need?
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, a hug.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: I just need a hug.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Okay, and he hugs me, and then I feel better, right?
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: But for some people, they're like, I need a punching back.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: Great, get a punching back.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like it, we all have different things that we need.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like sometimes I'll put a pillow to my face and just scream because kids are in the house and I don't want to be yelling, but I just like need a minute, right?
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and so it's what do I need?
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I just think if you can pause, if you can start asking yourself on Honestly, the more honest you can get with yourself, the more healthy you'll continue to be.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: So this is a good segue into your check-in with yourself, into the check-in you have.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_01: I know you do it with your whole family and your kid, and which is amazing that you guys also practice this with your children where they can literally just have a safe space to express what they're feeling.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_01: But when it comes to let's start with like just you and your husband with your check-ins.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like what questions do you ask each other?
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I know you there's rules that we talked about, like no judgment, wait till I'm done speaking, like don't cut me off, like things like that.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_01: But like, what questions do you ask each other?
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like, how do you how have you guys built this to be emotionally safe for you guys to actually be able to be open and honest with the other person?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's a great question.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a couple things.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think a lot of it stems back to self-control in a lot of ways.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you are in a relationship with someone and they are being vulnerable with you, you cannot ever, ever, ever break that trust or use that vulnerability against them.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you do, you might have broken it for good.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, or it's gonna take a while to repair.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: So in these check-ins, one thing I forgot to mention is you don't want to qualify your emotions.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm really sad.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm kind of excited.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's I'm sad, I'm excited, which is hard for me because I love superlatives.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a superlative girl in every way, and I have been my whole life.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my dad was, and I love it.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: So when someone's like, I'm great, I'm like, you mean like you're really great or you're kind of great?
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, it's just great, Brittany.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I really had to learn how do I have these conversations without superlatives?
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and when David is sharing these things with me, it really is I am holding these in confidence, like I'm a lockbox, and no one else is gonna know this, except for the two of us.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: So that in itself is so healing because you're like, I'm gonna share this and it's not going anywhere, right?
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: That would say that's the first thing is just the confidentiality piece between the two of you.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: And even in our family check-ins, I'll say, girls, what happens here?
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: This is family talk.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: No one outside that it's not a secret.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's just we don't talk about family things with other people.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: They stay right here with the five of us.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: And so we'll jokingly, like one of them will be like, Well, Dad, can I share this with with grandma and grandpa?
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: And they'll be like, Oh, okay.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, it's just, does it really care?
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: No, but it's teaching them how to hold confidence in a space like this with our family so that someday they can do it with other people.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so for us, you know, I would say when we do check-ins, um, my husband is the absolute best with asking questions in these spaces of anyone I know.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I'll use some of his questions and I'm growing in this area, but he'll, you know, I'll go through my check-in and I'll share all the emotions I'm feeling.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you feel the full sachet.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: You feel all six emotions at the same time, um, which I didn't even know was possible growing up.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm like, oh, you can feel all of the emotions at the same exact time.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: And he often will ask, How can I support you in that?
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's typically something that's like going on or an issue or a problem or something that's hard if I'm sharing every single emotion or anger or whatever.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, or say there's something that I'm tender about towards our kids and I just need help.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: He'll say, Well, how can I support you in that?
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so it's it's more asking questions to help support your significant other, your partner around these things versus giving advice, which I'm I'm quick to be like, Well, let me help you and let me fix this.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: Learn this about me.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, I don't need you to fix it.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: I just need you to listen.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yeah, and so I have to have self-control to listen, to not fix, to not always have an answer for things.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think even in the mere fact of learning self-control and just listening, because sometimes all people need is just they just need someone to listen.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, period.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they need.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: They need someone to listen.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: And if we can do that, one time I heard someone say feeling heard is so close to feeling seen and loved that it's almost indistinguishable.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so when someone feels heard, they feel so seen and loved that they're like, that's all I need.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you could literally just sit there and say nothing but affirm and support, and it will go so far.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: So whether it's a one-on-one check-in with someone, a family check-in, um I think just listening and being supportive is very helpful.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that is so good.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_01: I have tried since we first talked about it.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like slowly implementing it without being like, Mike, we're gonna start doing this, and this is how we're gonna do it.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_01: Because I, Mike and I have a very special relationship.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_01: I talk about it on the podcast all the time, and I use it as examples often.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_01: But there are times where it's like we could be so excited about whatever, and then also something else is going on.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I think one thing that I struggle with is being really happy and excited about something, while also there's grief or anger or something else, and like the the tie between the two when they're two completely even different situations just happening at the same time.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, ooh, okay, like, and I also am I'm a heightened person.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: I have a very vibrant personality, I'm like very expressive.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_01: So when my emotions kind of do this dance with each other, I'm just like, okay, hold on a second.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_01: So, but with with Mike, it's he's very like, just listen, how can I support you?
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm the same way.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, all right, Mike, what's wrong?
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna fix it.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_01: This is how we're gonna do it, without even letting him finish his sentence.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, I need to sit and just learning to not interrupt is one of the biggest things I've learned from these check-ins because I'm quick to like do do do, like say whatever I'm thinking versus withhold, just stop breaking.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, just listen.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's a game changer because like even the whole podcast knows Mike and I just moved his practice and now we have our own space.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_01: And that was amazing, incredible.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't change anything, but it was also hard.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I fixed everything in that situation, and now that it we've come down from it, it's like, okay, like I can let him lead.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_01: I can like it's okay.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: And it's been fun in a weird way to figure out like where that balance is and understanding our emotions again and like re-regulating ourselves.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_01: But okay, I'm looking at the clock and we could talk about emotions all day long.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: Which are good.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_01: So I bec I think it's a great segue to like go into like some inner child work and the just me saying inner child work, I bet you some people just ended the pod, just clicked off of it, they're gonna go listen to something else because inner child work, talk about something that's scary.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so let's like jump in.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_01: So when we talk about inner child work or when you hear, let's talk about that.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_01: Where do you where do you want to start with that conversation?
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_01: Because we can go real deep.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I would say.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, I'm not a counselor, so I'm not gonna be walking anyone through their inner child work.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: But if it is something where you're like, I feel like there's some things in my childhood or my past that I really need support in working through, I would encourage you to find a wonderful counselor to help you do that because there are some amazing counselors that can absolutely walk you through different situations, different types of exercises and things to help you get to the root of some of those things.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um when I I will say I am not quick to be vulnerable.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: That is something I have had to learn.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um one of my deepest woundings, I guess I would say, was betrayal when I was a child.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: And um, through multiple different experiences, I saw adults take advantage of people I love, not be true to their word, or do something that as a child I couldn't respond to.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't do anything to because I was young and I was just watching adults do what they did.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: But what that created in me was this belief in the world that um people are going to take advantage of me and I cannot trust others.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: Which I will say are hard uh views of the world to have.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: You really have to like try and overcome certain things.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I did not know this about myself until I did some inner child work with a counselor that I had worked with for a handful of years.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I will say: I've had multiple, many, many, many conversations with people over the years.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because when I get excited about something, I'm like, oh my goodness, let me tell you what you need to do.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you who you need to go see, let me tell you, and I just um, because I get so excited about things.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I want people to have freedom and I want people to know who they are, and I want people to thrive, and I want people to be successful, and I want all of these things for people.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's always coming from a great heart.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: But I have had conversations with people that are like, Brittany, I would not touch my past with a 10 football.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't want to go there.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I'll say that's okay.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: If that's where you're at, that is okay.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone has to start somewhere, and maybe even the thought of like a naming how you are feeling in this current moment or minute feels scary, and that's a big deal.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: Start there.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this is not a, oh, you have to do all of these things to be a healthy person.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: No, these are all just things that I believe have helped me become who I am today and have the perspective on life because of all of the hard things that I've walked through in my life.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I would say inner child work essentially what it really does, and maybe no one's ever described it in this way.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: So hopefully I can like shed some light on it.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_00: But I think that what inner child work really does is that it helps you to understand different circumstances or experiences, hard, bad, or good, that you have been through in your life and what came out of that for you.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: So, like for me, of the experiences I had with all of these adults, I saw people take advantage of people.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: So then I all of a sudden had this worldview growing up that I don't know that I can trust people or that someone's not going to take advantage of me.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it has become like once I was finally able to name it again, say it out loud, it started to lose its power over me in a way that, like, and I say this and it be kind of became a joke between my husband and I because he was always like, like, just tone it down.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, someone's not gonna just run into our garage and steal something.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: But like it would be like this visceral reaction where I would like be in our garage and I like couldn't find something, and I'm like, someone stole it.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, um, I'm I don't think someone just like came into our garage and stole that.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: But I just because of my life experiences, yeah, I just had this view that like everyone was just gonna take advantage of me, or everyone was trying to get something from me, or I couldn't trust people.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so what it did for me is it helped me to actually start rewriting things that I actually wanted to live by.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to live in a world where I can't trust people.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be able to trust people, and it's also hard for me.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so learning, okay, this was the experience that this happened, my counselor walking me through it and realizing I'm I'm an adult now.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: I can actually have agency over the same exact circumstances as an adult that I couldn't as a child.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so learning those things has been so life-giving and freeing and encouraging because I'm like, oh, well, what I was scared of when I was a child, I'm not scared of now because I am an adult and I've learned, well, these things happened, but I am now an adult, so I have agency, I have decision-making authority, I can do something different.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so I would say that's how I think about inner child work is it's a way of understanding circumstances and situations that we went through.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_00: And how do we, how can we use those to name things to start to heal from them?
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because deep down, no matter how afraid we each are from life experiences we've gone through, we we probably don't all want to just keep living in the same fear or frustration or kind of feeling captive to those things.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think as you continue to understand and learn, you really can feel freedom and growth from them and through them.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, one thing, because I've done a lot of inner child work too.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um a lot of little tea trauma, which we'll get into the difference between the two and how, you know, I've been blessed to not go through big tea trauma, but there's little tea trauma there.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_01: And it's all it expresses in my life as like performative, multitasking, like needing to just like be the best at everything that I do, which of course I like to do everything with integrity and intention and all that.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_01: But then it's also like, am I gonna be loved?
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do I all that stuff is things I've had to work through a lot of male authority in my life of like, all right, this has to be perfect because I don't want to deal with whatever repercussion this male in authority may have, because that's what I'm used to.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like I've working through all that and then actually getting married and having a healthy relationship where that was like something I had to do before we got married, because there was no way Mike and I would have a successful relationship if I still believed that my doing things for him was how and why he was gonna love me.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel like lots of women struggle with that specific one.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_01: Is like you have to do in order to receive love.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel like that's also another thing where we're always on the go, we're always doing things, right?
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_01: Where you were saying, what can I delegate?
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's also coming back to like what happened, walk yourself through it, right?
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like, or have a counselor walk you through it more likely.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_01: And understand that, like, you're an adult, you don't need to perform, you don't need to be on your A game 24-7, you don't need to be perfect to receive the love that you deserve or have, or whatever.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_01: So that's my experience with it.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_00: So one thing I want to say on this that I think is a really helpful tool is that as a child, when we would go through a circumstance and we responded a certain way, it protected us and it served us.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: So when we did something, whether it was, you know, I naturally wouldn't just, I was not quick to trust adults from those moments on.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_00: In a lot of ways, that served me, right?
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like I wasn't overly trusting.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_00: So when someone would try and do something or sell something, it was like I had this wall that actually did protect me, right?
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_00: So it was a good thing in a lot of ways when I was young and when I was a child.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: As I got older, though, those same protective mechanisms didn't serve me, right?
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think there's a piece of honoring the way that it did serve me as a little girl and realizing it's okay to change that.
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's not, it's not saying, well, that doesn't matter anymore.
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_00: No, it does matter.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like what that did and how it served me did matter, but now I can change and something else can look different.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need to have these walls up anymore because now I am an adult and I can make decisions and I can do it in a healthy way that I don't need to just keep all of these walls here to protect me because I I can protect myself in ways that I wasn't able to when I was a child.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's the one thing that kept coming up in my head as you were saying that was the lens of how we see the world can change.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like I think we come back to emotions and being scared of things.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of people are scared of change.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_01: Scared that if they change the way they react to things, the change the way they see things or their opinion on something, it makes them less in like the word integrity comes up.
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, no, you're allowed to change your mind.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're allowed to grow and expand and through your experiences, you don't always just have to stay the same.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_01: You have to grow through things.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_01: But so the lens and the reality of how we see the world changes as you get older and how you handle situations can change.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a personality trait, it's not a characteristic that like describes who you are.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like me, you can change.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's a beautiful thing that a lot of people are scared of.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think it just goes back to kind of some of the things I was saying is what served you when you were younger isn't serving you anymore.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_00: But you think, well, if I change, I'm not gonna feel as safe as I did because this was protecting me, right?
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_00: But it's like, let's just take my own personal life example.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so I have an intense personality, if you couldn't tell.
• 42:13
  SPEAKER_00: And if I go into an environment where someone's like, say they're trying to sell me something, or someone knocks on my door, and um, my favorite is when they're like, hi, is the owner of the house home?
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, yay, that's me.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_00: But like as a child, anytime that kind of environment, I would just be like, I'm just gonna be mean because it's the only way I can like protect myself, or like intense or whatever.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_00: But like as an adult, I don't need to be intense and mean.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_00: I am the owner of the home.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_00: I can just tell you no and and move on with my day, right?
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_00: But as a kid in an environment where an adult is trying to tell me something that I don't want, I don't have as much agency to say no to it as I do now.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so we we still oftentimes will live through the lens of like, well, I still need to make decisions like I did as an eight-year-old girl.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_00: No, I don't, because life has changed and I have agency and I'm an adult, and I can make those decisions in a way that's kind and loving towards other people and encouraging.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so when people come to my door now, I'm like, hey, you're doing a great job, way to go for holding out for three no's.
• 43:28
  SPEAKER_00: My answer is still absolutely no, but good luck with your sales, right?
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and it's just there's like a way to do it where I'm I'm still gonna say no, but you are you're doing great.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I can encourage them, and I don't have to feel this like, oh, I need to put a wall up to protect myself, right?
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 43:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think it's uh it's easy to see the world through the lens of what your experience was, and and because Because we all have such different life experiences, we believe that the lens we see the world through is right.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so when someone else says, Well, this is how I see the world, and you're like, Well, this is how I see the world, and you're both like, I'm right.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you kind of both are.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_00: But that's hard when it's like, well, no, but I'm right, and you're not right.
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, we actually all have different ways of seeing the world.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's like if you think about a diamond and you take a diamond and I'm on one side of it, and you're on the other side of it, and someone's over here, and someone's over here, and they're like, Well, I'm seeing this part of the diamond.
• 44:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like, Yeah, but I'm seeing this part of the diamond.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_00: But no, the diamond looks like this.
• 44:49
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like, actually, you're all right.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 44:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's this perspective that we have of how this lens of how we view the world because of our life experiences.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not, it's not good or bad, it's just different.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_00: And we have to realize also, to your point of change, that like we we have, we need to change.
• 45:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like as we grow and age and mature, life experiences are going to mature and our view of the world also is going to change.
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not actually a bad thing.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can hold both views, you can have both lenses still and know, like, okay, I can still, if I'm like in a bad situation, I can still see the world like I did as an eight-year-old girl, but I can still see it also now as an adult who has agency over her life, right?
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I think, um, yeah, that's kind of the way that I look at it a lot of times.
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 45:49
  SPEAKER_01: And my next question, you already answered.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_01: It was perfect.
• 45:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I was going, but like to bring it down to one question.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if someone's really struggling with understanding her old beliefs and how she react and how she responds now, what is just one thing that she can do to begin to even identify an old belief that is no longer serving her?
• 46:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the first thing that comes to my mind is I think first you need to know how you process things.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm a verbal processor.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I know I'm not gonna get to the root of something going on in me or something I've been through unless I process with someone else.
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_00: So like I just know that to be true about me.
• 46:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so whenever I need to like really process something, David is my person.
• 46:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like he is the one that I'm like, okay, this is something I want to figure out and talk about.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_00: And naturally he's so gifted in all of this.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_00: So he can ask me a lot of questions.
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_00: But I would say if you're someone that's like, well, I process by myself, I don't, I don't go through this.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, a really good exercise to help you figure out why do I have this worldview if I want to change it?
• 47:08
  SPEAKER_00: One, find a great counselor that can really, really help.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I would find one based on a referral of someone who's worked with them.
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's the best way that I find anyone in that category.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like ask, ask around to people you know and trust.
• 47:24
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, have you worked with a counselor?
• 47:25
  SPEAKER_00: Who is it?
• 47:26
  SPEAKER_00: Can I get their info?
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that's how I find people in those kinds of um career paths.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_00: Secondly, I would say if you're like, hey, I just want to try and knock this out by myself, you might get somewhere, you might get to the root of it, you might not.
• 47:41
  SPEAKER_00: Just know that ahead of time.
• 47:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I would say a really good way to do it is through journaling.
• 47:46
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can take some time with yourself and start to just ask yourself questions like, okay, I've always experienced fear around this.
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you want to understand why.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_00: Asking yourself questions like, well, when did I start feeling it?
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I remember this when I was 10.
• 48:10
  SPEAKER_00: Was that the first time?
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_00: Was there something earlier than that?
• 48:13
  SPEAKER_00: Was it, or maybe you're like, I don't, I have no idea.
• 48:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, sometimes when we were quick to answer a question, it's because we don't want to take the time or we actually haven't spent time thinking about it.
• 48:24
  SPEAKER_00: So really give yourself time to think about it.
• 48:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and if it's like, well, I I don't even know, okay, well, when was the last time you did feel it?
• 48:31
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, it was here and it was this situation.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, what were the circumstances that created the environment that made you feel that way?
• 48:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, it was this.
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, when in my life have I felt this before?
• 48:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's the earliest that I can remember?
• 48:49
  SPEAKER_00: And you just keep kind of digging those questions and writing them out.
• 48:55
  SPEAKER_00: There's something really cathartic about journaling when you're trying to process something because it's it's almost like the time that your brain needs to think is how much time it takes to write something down.
• 49:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so as you start journaling it, it allows you to process it at the same time.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, a lot in college, I journaled every single day.
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it was like my way of processing what was going on in my world and doing it like at the same time as I was writing.
• 49:25
  SPEAKER_00: It was like giving me enough time.
• 49:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so those are just some ideas that popped up as you asked me that question.
• 49:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, of like, you know, this is a very calm, these are complex things.
• 49:38
  SPEAKER_00: So my answers might touch 5% of people that might be helpful.
• 49:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but for others, they're like, oh, this is so different and none of that will work.
• 49:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 49:49
  SPEAKER_00: But if it's something that you want to grow in and you want to heal in, and let's be honest, if you're listening to a podcast about this, you probably have some desire to work on something or to change.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so trying it.
• 50:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like I always tell people, just try it.
• 50:05
  SPEAKER_00: If it doesn't work, change it.
• 50:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a big deal.
• 50:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're not married to an idea.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can try something, and if it doesn't work, you can change it and go try something else, right?
• 50:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you journal and you're like, well, that didn't do any good, that didn't go, then try finding a good friend or a significant other or a partner or someone that you really, really trust that you can sit down and be confidential with and they can help work through questions with you.
• 50:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then if you're like, okay, well, I don't have anyone like that, then ask around and find a counselor and you know, like just keep going to the next best thing that that might help you get to maybe some of the root of some of these things that are causing a lot of emotions or causing you to feel or experience things that you're like, wow, I don't like this.
• 50:49
  SPEAKER_00: I want to move through this, right?
• 50:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 50:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 50:52
  SPEAKER_01: The one thing that keeps coming up into my head when you keep, when you ask questions, you ask what questions.
• 50:59
  SPEAKER_01: You don't ask why questions.
• 51:00
  SPEAKER_01: And we talk through this on our own time.
• 51:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but can you explain?
• 51:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because this has changed.
• 51:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like when we had this conversation in Colorado, it has literally changed my life.
• 51:11
  SPEAKER_01: Asking what versus why.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_01: Can you explain your thought process behind that switch and what it does?
• 51:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 51:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I can't even remember when I started doing this.
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_00: It was probably like eight to ten years ago.
• 51:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but when we are asked a question and it starts with the word why, our brains naturally, automatically start thinking of how to defend our answer.
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, well, why are you going to the grocery store?
• 51:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, all of a sudden, I feel like I need to explain why I'm going to the grocery store.
• 51:55
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 51:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's almost like a, well, I'm going because I need to get food for the week, right?
• 52:00
  SPEAKER_00: It it makes you, it makes you feel like on the defense all of a sudden.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_00: But what questions make our brains curious?
• 52:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I'm I'm not sure I can use the same example with a what question, but what are you going to the grocery store to get?
• 52:17
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 52:18
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 52:18
  SPEAKER_00: It just feels different than why are you going to the grocery store?
• 52:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, obviously, tone has something to do with it, but I think what questions continue to open up our hearts and our minds and our brains to be able to stay curious and keep moving through curiosity versus, you know, we are so quick to judge ourselves in so many ways.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need one more way to create a judgment against ourselves by asking a why question.
• 52:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so asking a what question allows us to be more gentle with ourselves, with other people, with people that we love.
• 52:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I've even seen it in my kids, you guys.
• 53:00
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I will ask a why question to one of my girls, and the reaction is quite intense.
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_00: If I ask a what question, I mean, it's like, oh yeah, I'm just doing this, mom.
• 53:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's just so different.
• 53:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I've seen it in action.
• 53:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I've also experienced it myself.
• 53:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like when someone asks me why, I just feel more defensive.
• 53:24
  SPEAKER_00: But when someone asks me what, I don't.
• 53:27
  SPEAKER_00: I feel, I feel like, oh great, let's just keep having that conversation.
• 53:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's this tiny little tweak, but it makes a world of a difference.
• 53:35
  SPEAKER_00: But it really makes you realize you have to think differently to ask what questions than you do for why.
• 53:42
  SPEAKER_00: Why questions are can feel a little bit easier to just spew out, whereas a what question takes a little bit more thought oftentimes.
• 53:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so um, you know, instead of why do you feel that way, what makes you feel that way?
• 53:58
  unknown: Yeah.
• 53:59
  SPEAKER_00: It it just it's a really different question in itself, right?
• 54:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you're able to to dig into it in a way that just feels a lot more free and curious instead of like or like shame-inducing sometimes.
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_01: Even you just saying it and you said it in the same tone.
• 54:17
  SPEAKER_01: You said, Why do you feel that way?
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_01: Or what makes you feel that way?
• 54:20
  SPEAKER_01: Your tone of voice was the same, nothing changed.
• 54:23
  SPEAKER_01: And when you said why, I was like, like I had that initial reaction of like, okay.
• 54:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then when you said what, I was like, oh.
• 54:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I it almost gave me permission, literally in that like two second moment, to ask myself, what is making me feel this way?
• 54:41
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_01: Or like it's game changer.
• 54:44
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're listening and you're a mom especially, please do.
• 54:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 54:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of my favorite things that I always tell people.
• 54:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, if there's one thing that you can start with to try and change when it comes to how you're reacting to life, is just ask what versus why.
• 55:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 55:02
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's so important.
• 55:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's so good.
• 55:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I want to like teeter over and like shift over to some trauma stuff.
• 55:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 55:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because I know for me, for a long time, I used to say nothing traumatic has ever happened to me.
• 55:23
  SPEAKER_01: And through 17 years of therapy, it has taken a long time for me to get to the point of understanding that my perspective, it there was there was trauma there.
• 55:38
  SPEAKER_01: And the way I react now or the way I have worked through reacting, my initial like gut reaction is reacting out of what we call little tea trauma, which we'll talk about, um, because I've been, again, blessed where no big T trauma has really happened.
• 55:57
  SPEAKER_01: But understanding and acknowledging, like, it's it's okay to hold like to have some little tea trauma and acknowledge that it is trauma and then how to move forward from there.
• 56:10
  SPEAKER_01: So um, why do you think people tend to really minimize those smaller little tea, I don't even want to say smaller traumas, but like tend to minimize their trauma and like whether it's bullying or chronic stress or what's happened with their parents, like why do people minimize that stuff?
• 56:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I have a lot of thoughts on this topic, but um, I'll kind of try and keep it concise.
• 56:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 56:39
  SPEAKER_00: So a couple of things.
• 56:40
  SPEAKER_00: First, I'll start with I feel like in the world, like when I was growing up, counseling was not really something that was very popular, like back in the day.
• 56:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it was like if something is wrong, you go to counseling, right?
• 56:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now it's very different.
• 57:01
  SPEAKER_00: And it's hey, I want to just get better at this, or I'm gonna I wanna learn about this about myself, or like it's it, it's almost like the pendulum like swung the other direction.
• 57:13
  SPEAKER_00: And at times, I think there was this like, you know, when I was growing up, it's like only if you've had really horrible, horrific, or you're in a really bad situation, do you go to counseling?
• 57:24
  SPEAKER_00: And now it's oh well, we go to counseling for every single thing, and everything is trauma.
• 57:30
  SPEAKER_00: So there's this almost like, well, is everything I've lived in my life trauma?
• 57:37
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 57:39
  SPEAKER_00: And you may have lived through some trauma.
• 57:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 57:43
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I am not a clinical counselor, however, um, in my husband's work, he was able to describe to me the difference between what is a big T trauma and a little T trauma.
• 57:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that's just like how we can like easily like share it.
• 58:01
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't actually mean little T and big T.
• 58:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like to help define the difference.
• 58:06
  SPEAKER_00: So a big T trauma is when something extremely traumatic happens in our life.
• 58:12
  SPEAKER_00: So um it could be a diagnosis, it could be a really horrific event.
• 58:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I've known people where their homes have burnt down, or like that's when we when people say big T trauma, it's like these really intense life-changing events.
• 58:29
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I think in a lot of ways, for those of us who remember 9-11, like that felt like a big T trauma and a shift in our mindset.
• 58:38
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, we all have lived through COVID, and COVID was in a lot of ways a big tea trauma for a lot of people because it did so much in so many ways.
• 58:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 58:49
  SPEAKER_00: Little T traumas are when something that doesn't seem like that big of a deal happens over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, to where over time it actually creates this aspect of trauma in your life.
• 59:11
  SPEAKER_00: So it could be something like your sister or your brother was always the one that was chosen to be responsible for something and you were always overlooked.
• 59:26
  SPEAKER_00: After 10 years or 20 years of that happening, you start to believe things about yourself that are probably not true, but because of the circumstance and the way that it has continued to happen, it creates what is like a little tea trauma, or it could be, you know, it could be a multitude of things.
• 59:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think because of these two pendulums that the, you know, that has swung from like 30 years ago to now, um it there's it's learning, well, how do I deal with all of this in a healthy way?
• 1:00:07
  SPEAKER_00: And also, I've experienced a lot of big and little T traumas in my life.
• 1:00:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but they don't have to define you.
• 1:00:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I think sometimes people are afraid to either voice them or talk about them because they're like, well, is this what I'm gonna be known by?
• 1:00:26
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 1:00:27
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have to be known by your trauma, it can be something that has defined a part of your life and it has helped you to have a different worldview and lens because of what you've been through.
• 1:00:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like how we take our circumstances and then what we do with them is actually what people are gonna experience, right?
• 1:00:51
  SPEAKER_00: So if I just say, well, this is what happened, and then I let everything get defined from that, and I don't feel like I have agency or I don't do anything with it, yeah, that might, that might be what has or could define someone's life.
• 1:01:05
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're like, this happened to me, um, it is a it is a circumstance.
• 1:01:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like I think about my daughter who has cystic fibrosis.
• 1:01:14
  SPEAKER_00: That is a part of her story.
• 1:01:17
  SPEAKER_00: Is that a traumatic thing?
• 1:01:18
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 1:01:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's a life-threatening disease.
• 1:01:21
  SPEAKER_00: But do we allow that to dictate who she is?
• 1:01:25
  SPEAKER_00: Do we talk about it in every aspect of her life?
• 1:01:28
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely not, because that is not, that is a part of her story that is a part of who she is, but that is not who she is, right?
• 1:01:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think there's an aspect of learning.
• 1:01:41
  SPEAKER_00: How do we help someone hold intention?
• 1:01:44
  SPEAKER_00: This, like, yeah, this was like really hard and it's a huge piece of my life, and it defines parts of me, but it does not define all of me.
• 1:01:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so learning how to handle those things takes time and work and patience with yourself and forgiveness and grace, and probably some really supportive people around you to help you get through that.
• 1:02:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so I think that's my opinion of like why people feel or think certain things about trauma, bigger little T, or they don't want to deal with it, or they don't know what to do.
• 1:02:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's probably in some or one of those categories.
• 1:02:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:02:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:02:25
  SPEAKER_01: The thing that keeps coming up in my head are like a couple people who nothing bad enough has happened to me for this to still affect me, right?
• 1:02:34
  SPEAKER_01: And coming back to that worldview of like it just happens over and over and over again.
• 1:02:38
  SPEAKER_01: It might not be a bad, bad thing, but if it happens repetitively over and over and it hurts your feelings over and over and over and over again, you're gonna hold on to that 20 years later, still, when you end up in a similar circumstance.
• 1:02:55
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 1:02:56
  SPEAKER_01: So for the woman who is exhausted of being capable, or the capable one, the strong one, the fixer, and the one who holds everything together, what do you want her to know?
• 1:03:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if I think about this too much, I will cry.
• 1:03:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is what I have felt most of my life is I have to be strong.
• 1:03:22
  SPEAKER_00: I have to do it all.
• 1:03:23
  SPEAKER_00: I have to be the responsible one.
• 1:03:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um you know, I've heard people in my life say to me, Well, I just give it to Britney because I know she'll do it.
• 1:03:33
  SPEAKER_00: I just give it to Britney because I know she can handle it.
• 1:03:36
  SPEAKER_00: I give it to Britney because I know it'll get done.
• 1:03:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I over time you hear these things over and over and over and over again.
• 1:03:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember the first time I was having this exact conversation about this topic with my husband.
• 1:03:54
  SPEAKER_00: And he looks at me and he said, But you don't have to be.
• 1:04:12
  SPEAKER_00: I do have to be the strong one, I do have to be insert whatever that is, and when that happens, you start to create things in your life that are kind of built around that belief of well, I'm just the strong one.
• 1:04:30
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it it can honestly sometimes even become an identity of like, well, people know me as strong, my my the definition of my name is strong.
• 1:04:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's what Brittany needs.
• 1:04:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I just and my husband has helped me to see that just, and so here's what I would say, and anyone, whether it's uh strength, what whatever it is just because you can doesn't mean you have to, and it is simple, but it is really powerful because just because I can be the strong one, it doesn't mean I have to be.
• 1:05:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I can fall apart when I need to be, and I need to because we no one can be strong all the time, no one can hold it together all the time, no one can handle everything all the time.
• 1:05:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like we all have to have a place and a space to not be that.
• 1:05:34
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're a mom, yeah, you do have to be the strong one for your kiddos.
• 1:05:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's just part of the role of motherhood.
• 1:05:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um and there are times where like I will say to David, I just need your help.
• 1:05:49
  SPEAKER_00: I I can't be the only one right now that's like holding my strength.
• 1:05:53
  SPEAKER_00: And he'll, of course, hug me and then I cry.
• 1:05:56
  SPEAKER_00: And um but it's a reminder that.
• 1:06:00
  SPEAKER_00: That like him and I are in this together, and and I've used that phrase in so many areas of my life, and it has helped me so much.
• 1:06:10
  SPEAKER_00: Just because you can doesn't mean you get to, or it doesn't mean you have to.
• 1:06:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like just because you can plan the event or whatever, it doesn't mean you have to.
• 1:06:21
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean you need to.
• 1:06:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like just because you can be the classroom mom, doesn't mean you need to.
• 1:06:27
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean you have to.
• 1:06:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like just because you can do something and you have the ability to do something and you have maybe the expertise to do something, doesn't mean you have to do it.
• 1:06:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really freeing when you actually like okay, I'm gonna live in that.
• 1:06:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, I could do all of these things, but that I'm not gonna do it.
• 1:06:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:06:49
  SPEAKER_01: And just understanding that you have the choice.
• 1:06:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's not you have to.
• 1:06:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like I get to choose where that energy goes.
• 1:06:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not a mom, you are, so obviously you can speak to the moms better on this, because that is part of that role.
• 1:07:03
  SPEAKER_01: But in every other area, it's like okay, what do I have bandwidth for?
• 1:07:09
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 1:07:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what am I allowing?
• 1:07:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what am I choosing?
• 1:07:14
  SPEAKER_01: And then if an alliance, then do it.
• 1:07:17
  SPEAKER_01: But if it doesn't, or you don't have bandwidth right now, because just because you say no now doesn't mean it always has to be no.
• 1:07:24
  SPEAKER_00: Totally.
• 1:07:26
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 1:07:27
  SPEAKER_00: And just because you've said yes in the past doesn't mean you have to keep saying yes.
• 1:07:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:07:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can change your mind.
• 1:07:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, one thing I've been telling Michael for our entire marriage is just because you make a decision today doesn't mean that's the the decision for the rest of your life.
• 1:07:45
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 1:07:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like a simple example, he doesn't treat on Fridays anymore.
• 1:07:49
  SPEAKER_01: We shot his Friday calendar down because he didn't want to work on Fridays, rightfully so.
• 1:07:55
  SPEAKER_01: But like we have opened up every other Friday in this season of life based on demand, and we only have him as a therapist.
• 1:08:05
  SPEAKER_01: So, but that doesn't mean that he has to work every other Friday for the rest of his life either.
• 1:08:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like in January, we're gonna shut it back down.
• 1:08:12
  SPEAKER_01: And it might seem like a simple like thing, because you know you could just open up hours or close hours down, but like you can do that in literally any area just because you're not married to, like you said earlier, you're not married to that idea, you're not married to that choice.
• 1:08:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like, as long as you and David or Mike and I are on the same page about what's going on, we can change our minds.
• 1:08:35
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 1:08:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I think people are scared to do that.
• 1:08:38
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, they make this decision and they think that that has to be they have to be this classroom mom for 16 years.
• 1:08:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, no, it's okay.
• 1:08:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, and I also think there's something so beautiful about because I think we're taught that just because you can do something, that's what you should do.
• 1:08:55
  SPEAKER_00: And David and I were having a conversation around an Alex Ramosy uh article that we just read, and he was giving this example of not cooking from the fridge.
• 1:09:05
  SPEAKER_00: And essentially what he meant was it's like this visual where if you open a refrigerator and you're like, well, what are we gonna make for dinner tonight?
• 1:09:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just looking and I have this and I have this, we could throw this together.
• 1:09:18
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, that's what I'm gonna make.
• 1:09:20
  SPEAKER_00: Versus asking yourself, what do I want to make and getting the ingredients for it?
• 1:09:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not literally about dinner.
• 1:09:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's about what is this how we're treating our life?
• 1:09:33
  SPEAKER_00: Are we looking at, well, I can do these things, so I guess that means I need to do these.
• 1:09:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you saying, what do I want to do?
• 1:09:43
  SPEAKER_00: What do I what do I have the ability and what do I actually want to do with what I have the ability to do and go do that?
• 1:09:51
  SPEAKER_00: I've been doing a lot of things for the last 15 years, 16 years of my career, and yet in the last like three months, David and I really, for the first time in maybe a decade, we were like, what do we really want to do?
• 1:10:05
  SPEAKER_00: And we took the things that we wanted to do with the strengths that we have and the knowledge and the expertise in all these different areas, and that's how we have chosen of what we're doing moving forward, and and it's like so exciting, right?
• 1:10:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think whether it's a career or whether it's in motherhood or whether it's in your relationships or whatever, it's like it doesn't just have to be, well, this is what I can do and this is what I have to do.
• 1:10:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then you just like slowly you feel like the life is getting sucked out of you instead of like, no, I actually want to do this, and these are the things that I'm really good at.
• 1:10:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna pair those together.
• 1:10:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, and that it also comes back to what we were talking about with childhood.
• 1:10:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's like when we're children, we don't have the authority to choose all the time.
• 1:10:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 1:10:56
  SPEAKER_01: And so then we're taught like we have to do this, we can do this, we're gonna like, and then we become adults and that just follows us.
• 1:11:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, which like it's really hard to learn, like, oh wow, I actually get to choose what I want to do with my life.
• 1:11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like I remember so vividly my father's dad, if you're listening to this, I love you.
• 1:11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, his reaction to me deciding not to go to grad school.
• 1:11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I have two bachelor's degrees.
• 1:11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I I have the papers.
• 1:11:28
  SPEAKER_01: We did the, we did the thing.
• 1:11:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:11:30
  SPEAKER_01: But I decided I didn't want to go into debt to make 60 grand a year as a PT.
• 1:11:36
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, no, I'm not doing that.
• 1:11:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I don't want to do that.
• 1:11:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I was told from childhood I was going to med school.
• 1:11:46
  SPEAKER_01: And then I was like, well, my SIT SIT score wasn't good enough.
• 1:11:49
  SPEAKER_01: So my MCAT score, like, like we're just not even gonna go there.
• 1:11:52
  SPEAKER_01: And then it was, well, you're not good enough to go to med school, you're gonna go to PT school.
• 1:11:58
  SPEAKER_01: And then when I chose not to do that, the the ferals, my family has a joke that the roof blew off when my dad would get upset.
• 1:12:07
  SPEAKER_01: The roof blew off.
• 1:12:08
  SPEAKER_01: You could see it.
• 1:12:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I had a really hard time choosing what I wanted to do with my life versus what I like, what I have to do, what I should do.
• 1:12:22
  SPEAKER_01: And like, no, what what does Kate actually want?
• 1:12:26
  SPEAKER_01: And now at 31, I've radically chosen what I wanted to do.
• 1:12:31
  SPEAKER_01: I have my business, my husband's business.
• 1:12:33
  SPEAKER_01: We have all these, I'm living the life that I've dreamed of.
• 1:12:36
  SPEAKER_01: And now my dad's my best friend and one of my biggest supporters.
• 1:12:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so beautiful, being able to radically just be like, dad, like I love you, but I am not doing that.
• 1:12:48
  SPEAKER_01: And he, we did not have a relationship for a long time.
• 1:12:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's only been recent, and now it's like I had to learn to make choices for myself.
• 1:12:57
  SPEAKER_01: And my dad loves that he doesn't have to worry about me now.
• 1:13:00
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, I don't have to worry about you.
• 1:13:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're good.
• 1:13:03
  SPEAKER_01: I trust that your life is gonna be good.
• 1:13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 1:13:07
  SPEAKER_01: But I had to trust myself first and like honor my dad, but also tell him it's okay, like I can choose this.
• 1:13:16
  SPEAKER_01: He hated it.
• 1:13:18
  SPEAKER_01: But now we're at a point where we can be best friends and it's okay.
• 1:13:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it was so hard, but also the the beauty on the back end was like totally worth it.
• 1:13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because I would be messing with writing what you wanted, and then you're like, and these are my giftings, and I want to go live them out together.
• 1:13:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, and then yeah, it's been beautiful, but okay.
• 1:13:43
  SPEAKER_01: With I'm looking at the clock, so there is two questions left.
• 1:13:49
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:13:50
  SPEAKER_01: What is one emotion you hope women will become more curious about rather than afraid of?
• 1:13:58
  SPEAKER_00: So naturally I was thinking about this and I said anger.
• 1:14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and here's why.
• 1:14:07
  SPEAKER_00: I growing up, anger was not something that was really talked about.
• 1:14:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the picture that I saw like when I was little of anger was like an older man just like throwing something or just being so angry they had no self-control over their anger.
• 1:14:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so for me, I was never angry, I was just frustrated.
• 1:14:35
  SPEAKER_00: And when I actually learned, thanks to David, about what anger is, um, it helped me to feel confident and knowing like anger is actually a really good emotion, it's just how you look at it, and so the root of all anger is either sadness or fear.
• 1:14:58
  SPEAKER_00: So it's either you're feeling like something's happening to you you can't stop, or you want something you can't get.
• 1:15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the two main indicators that cause anger.
• 1:15:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I see, and David has taught me this, and it's like such a beautiful picture.
• 1:15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there's unhealthy anger and there's healthy anger.
• 1:15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Unhealthy anger makes people feel afraid, and healthy anger makes people feel safe.
• 1:15:28
  SPEAKER_00: So when something's happening, we're out and about, and we have three girls, and so David's there, and like a situation happens, whatever it is, and he has this healthy sense of anger to protect his family, we feel safer because of it.
• 1:15:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:15:48
  SPEAKER_00: If anger comes out towards someone in an unhealthy way, you feel scared of it, right?
• 1:15:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I think when you actually can understand what does it look like to have healthy anger and use it to protect people, because there's a lot of us out there who have a lot of like intensity and anger in our bodies, and I'm one of them.
• 1:16:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I've had to learn how do I have self-control over my anger, but also how can I use my anger to protect people?
• 1:16:18
  SPEAKER_00: And anger coming out is not yelling or screaming, which that's what I believed when I was little.
• 1:16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Anger coming out can be don't you dare treat my child that way.
• 1:16:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like that can be anger coming out in a healthy way, or like, keep your distance, dude.
• 1:16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's it can be something that creates a safety.
• 1:16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, or it's just like this righteous anger that wants to protect people that you love, or me using it to stand up for people that I love, or be there for someone that I love.
• 1:16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like I feel like anger is an emotion that if people really start to understand the beauty of it, because they have one opinion based on how they grew up and what they were told about it.
• 1:17:01
  SPEAKER_00: I think that anger is an emotion.
• 1:17:03
  SPEAKER_00: All eight all emotions are like this, but like this is one that I have really spent time understanding because I have a lot of it in me.
• 1:17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I was always told that it was bad.
• 1:17:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, well, then I feel bad because I have anger in me and I have a lot of it.
• 1:17:18
  SPEAKER_00: So how do I use it in a healthy way?
• 1:17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how can I use it to protect people and to love people more because of it?
• 1:17:25
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm like, oh, I can have healthy anger and I can have self-control so that my anger doesn't come out in an unhealthy way.
• 1:17:32
  SPEAKER_01: I love that so much.
• 1:17:34
  SPEAKER_01: I learned so much.
• 1:17:35
  SPEAKER_01: This is why you're on the pod, because you have so much wisdom and just hearing you express like just get curious about things.
• 1:17:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we're also one of the things from my childhood was this is the way that it is.
• 1:17:52
  SPEAKER_01: Don't ask a question, it's because I said it.
• 1:17:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so that has totally dampered my like dampened my curiosity into literally everything.
• 1:18:02
  SPEAKER_01: So when you and I have conversations and you're like, just get curious, I'm like, wait, I can do that.
• 1:18:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like I can ask, like I can ask questions and I can really deeply understand when a lot of my childhood was no, this is the way between basketball coaches and parents and all teachers and whoever it was, it was always, well, this is this is the rule, this is the thing, this is how it's supposed to be.
• 1:18:28
  SPEAKER_01: And asking a question, that person would always come back in defense.
• 1:18:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because as a child, you don't always know the best way to ask a question, right?
• 1:18:36
  SPEAKER_01: Wasn't taught to ask questions.
• 1:18:38
  SPEAKER_01: And then it's like, then you don't, then that curiosity as an adult, it's just like, no, this is the way, anger is bad.
• 1:18:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 1:18:46
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like when you say just get curious, it like it makes me so excited because you can literally change any circumstance that you're in just through some curiosity.
• 1:18:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:19:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm chuckling because I was the child that was like, oh, I don't care what you say, you are not right.
• 1:19:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I always joke, I used to think I was a rule follower, and then as it became an adult, I was like, oh, I actually only follow rules if they think they're good ones.
• 1:19:14
  SPEAKER_00: If they're not the ones, I'm just like, that's not smart.
• 1:19:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna do that, right?
• 1:19:19
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, so David and I laugh about that often.
• 1:19:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's for me.
• 1:19:22
  SPEAKER_00: That is my sister.
• 1:19:24
  SPEAKER_01: My sister was like, that's stupid.
• 1:19:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not doing that.
• 1:19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 1:19:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't do it to get in trouble.
• 1:19:30
  SPEAKER_00: It was more of like uh if this just like doesn't make any logical sense, I'm not gonna do it.
• 1:19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like don't know.
• 1:19:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why would I have to drive all the way around versus through this entrance or exit?
• 1:19:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm just gonna turn right right here, even if you're telling you not supposed to.
• 1:19:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know.
• 1:19:49
  SPEAKER_01: All right, last question because we our time is close.
• 1:19:53
  SPEAKER_01: What is one small action the women listening to this can take this week to begin creating a safer relationship with their emotions?
• 1:20:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I think I know what the answer is, but I'm gonna let you rip it.
• 1:20:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:20:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I know I talked about this like a little bit when we were like going through everything, but I think a lot of it is um, can you still hear me?
• 1:20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, great.
• 1:20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, a lot of it, I think, is I was actually talking to David about this this morning and I was like, what?
• 1:20:26
  SPEAKER_00: What is like one thing?
• 1:20:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like thinking through some things, and we were just talking about the journaling.
• 1:20:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I think that journaling is a great, just simple step with yourself to ask yourself those questions, to talk through your emotions, to talk through um, you know, how am I feeling, getting curious, asking yourself those questions, because that is really, in my opinion, what is going to allow you to just take the first step.
• 1:20:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that I think is what is hardest sometimes is just taking the first step with yourself.
• 1:21:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you're doing it with yourself, it doesn't feel as scary as maybe having a conversation with someone else or going to a counselor or something like that.
• 1:21:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so just taking that next step, I think, is the best place to go.
• 1:21:14
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 1:21:14
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's amazing.
• 1:21:17
  SPEAKER_01: Well, thank you so much for being here.
• 1:21:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um the last thing I have for the listeners, I just want to remind you that your emotions are not an inconvenience.
• 1:21:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 1:21:28
  SPEAKER_01: You learned anything from today, it's that they're information.
• 1:21:31
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe they're asking you to slow down, pay attention, communicate a need, or honor a boundary.
• 1:21:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's a big one for me.
• 1:21:39
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you're grieving something, or you just need to offer compassion to yourself for a part of you that's just been trying to survive.
• 1:21:47
  SPEAKER_01: And you don't have to react to every emotion, but you do deserve to listen to yourself and you're allowed to be supported, you're allowed to feel, and you're also allowed to stop carrying what was never yours to hold.
• 1:22:02
  SPEAKER_01: So Brittany, thank you so much.
• 1:22:05
  SPEAKER_01: Your wisdom, I could talk to you for hours about about anything, honestly.
• 1:22:12
  SPEAKER_01: But this specific thing, when we were in Colorado, I was just captivated and like listening to you speak about these things.
• 1:22:19
  SPEAKER_01: I just I needed to know more.
• 1:22:22
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you.
• 1:22:23
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 1:22:24
  SPEAKER_00: You're so welcome.
• 1:22:26
  SPEAKER_00: It was so fun.
• 1:22:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I I really I hope and pray that something that I shared, something that I said, even if it's one thing that you can just, you know, your listeners could take and try and implement and grow from.
• 1:22:38
  SPEAKER_00: Cause that's really what it is.
• 1:22:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's taking little tiny steps to grow from where you are to where you want to be.
• 1:22:44
  SPEAKER_00: So thanks so much for having me on today.
• 1:22:46
  SPEAKER_00: That was really fun.
• 1:22:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yay.
• 1:22:48
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 1:22:48
  SPEAKER_01: Well, guys, we will see you in the next episode.
• 1:22:52
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.
• 1:22:52
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.