Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Massage: Women = Sex: Men

Transcript

Massage: Women = Sex: Men · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show, today, I'm going to be talking about massage and
• 0:11
  how important that is to having a good sex life particularly for
• 0:14
  certain women under certain conditions.
• 0:16
  So before we get into that and all of that relevant info,
• 0:21
  please do subscribe. The most, recent one, was a
• 0:24
  request about how to think about being married when you got
• 0:28
  married, too young and how you can think about this and work on
• 0:32
  your marriage. When you got married when you
• 0:34
  are quote Young, And dumb from a nice voice mail that I got from
• 0:38
  a nice sounding listener. You can always leave me voice
• 0:40
  messages on the anchor app. Just make sure to tell me if I
• 0:43
  can use them or not. I'd like to use them.
• 0:45
  It's more fun for my listeners but you know whatever some
• 0:48
  people don't like to be anonymous, some people like to
• 0:51
  be anonymous rather. So anyway, I just did a podcast
• 0:55
  recently on chronic pain. A lot of women struggle with
• 0:57
  chronic pain because there's High rates of depression and
• 1:00
  women and depression manifests matically as chronic pain.
• 1:03
  Also if you're a highly sensitive person There's any
• 1:05
  sort of onslaught or a salt to your system, you know such as
• 1:10
  any trauma at all the physical or emotional, then you can kind
• 1:14
  of be knocked off-course and develop chronic pain or many
• 1:17
  books you could read about, chronic pain.
• 1:21
  There's a back pain book about by think John Sarno.
• 1:25
  But anyway, point being a lot of women struggle with chronic pain
• 1:29
  of All Sorts migraine back pain. There's vulva pain, like literal
• 1:35
  vagina. China pain, which as you can
• 1:36
  imagine, makes your sex life suck.
• 1:39
  But the other ones, due to fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue,
• 1:44
  just like anything, you know, really anything.
• 1:46
  And just depression itself is a chronic condition for many and
• 1:51
  so would manifest like chronic pain.
• 1:53
  In fact, you feel more physical pain of all of these sorts when
• 1:57
  you're in a depressive episode and not.
• 1:59
  So it's really for our purposes, pretty much the same thing and
• 2:04
  so if you I have a wife who struggles with depression and
• 2:07
  it's kind of the same sort of thing that I'm talking about.
• 2:09
  Believe me, most of them are sitting on the couch exhausted.
• 2:14
  Fatigued, those are symptoms of depression as I've discussed in
• 2:18
  my atypical, depression podcast and posts.
• 2:21
  These are the symptoms that women have.
• 2:23
  It's called Lennon paralysis where you feel like you can't
• 2:26
  get up if you lay around fatigue, oversleeping
• 2:30
  overeating, rejection sensitivity, but temporary mood
• 2:33
  lift in response to positive events which Which is why many
• 2:36
  women don't get diagnosed as depressed.
• 2:38
  But be that as it may, if you have a wife, who ever says that
• 2:43
  her body hurts, do you know how to make her body feel better?
• 2:47
  Because if you don't, I don't know why you're trying to get
• 2:49
  laid because it's stupid, right? Then you are really not
• 2:52
  positing, you're not situating yourself as like a person who is
• 2:55
  physically helpful. You're not making like
• 2:58
  associations between her mind in her mind between you and feeling
• 3:03
  good. She feels like shit most of the
• 3:05
  time. And even if she doesn't struggle
• 3:06
  with chronic pain or depression, you know, women are the weaker
• 3:11
  sex. Like, you know, good blast me, I
• 3:13
  don't care. Women are the physically weaker
• 3:17
  sex that's like how it is. There's smaller.
• 3:19
  You know, like menopause happens to them, they get their period,
• 3:24
  they are pregnant. You know what, the three
• 3:26
  pregnancies that's personally did to my body, you know?
• 3:31
  I mean it's it you just end up like shit like even you get more
• 3:34
  cavities He's after having kids like you just destroys your body
• 3:38
  but and you don't ever feel like as you know pain-free as you did
• 3:45
  before having kit and since the majority of you listeners have
• 3:50
  wives who have kids, this is very relevant to that.
• 3:53
  So why should you learn to get good at massage because you make
• 3:57
  your wife, feel good? Don't you want to make your wife
• 4:01
  feel good? Why the hell's she going to want
• 4:03
  to make you feel good if you never make her feel good?
• 4:05
  So any time that somebody says to me that they don't massage
• 4:08
  their wife then it's like what do you like trying to do?
• 4:12
  You're trying to have sex with a woman who is like not only does
• 4:16
  she have no sex drive because she's with in monogamy.
• 4:18
  So she only experiences responsive desire but frequently
• 4:20
  she's in pain by the end of the day you could say you to but let
• 4:24
  me guess you still get an erection anyway.
• 4:26
  Oh, wow, doctor psychic mom. She doesn't.
• 4:29
  It's totally different. If her back hurts.
• 4:31
  There is no world in, which you going down on her, is going to
• 4:34
  make that. Go be better but just let me
• 4:37
  guess again while I'm on a winning streak.
• 4:39
  If she went down on you, your back pain will feel better.
• 4:42
  Yes, it would don't lie. But for her, it wouldn't cause
• 4:45
  she wouldn't have an orgasm because she wouldn't be in the
• 4:48
  mood because she would be sitting there in during it.
• 4:51
  Why? Because she's still in pain with
• 4:53
  a woman. They have to relax first.
• 4:55
  I've made this very clear in all of my sex with women, oral sex
• 4:59
  on women. All of my sex with women
• 5:01
  podcasts, women have to be relaxed.
• 5:04
  They can't. Relax if they're in
• 5:06
  physiological pain. Now, what if they're not in
• 5:08
  pain? What?
• 5:10
  So then they're not in pain, so they still need to relax.
• 5:12
  What if they're stressed out, but not in paint, then massage
• 5:15
  can still help. So, massage is like a free drug.
• 5:19
  All of y'all that are Googling like, you know, drugs to make
• 5:22
  women have orgasms. You have one at your disposal is
• 5:25
  called massage. But here's what a massage is an
• 5:28
  isn't a massage is something that involves a warm room
• 5:32
  blankets over the part that you're not massaging low.
• 5:35
  Lotion or oil. If it's oil, you you do the
• 5:38
  laundry afterwards that she doesn't have to bust her ass
• 5:41
  worrying about the laundry. Because I don't make her, not
• 5:42
  want the massage in the first place.
• 5:44
  If some shits gonna get all over the sheets, and she's going to
• 5:46
  have to do laundry, like seriously and she has to, and
• 5:52
  has to last for, like, at least 20 minutes.
• 5:55
  So, are you doing that? No.
• 5:57
  But you're probably doing, is coming up behind her, you know,
• 5:59
  massaging her shoulders, over her shirt for two seconds and
• 6:03
  then starting, you know what you think.
• 6:05
  Foreplay, that is not a massage or massaging.
• 6:08
  Her feet for two seconds through her socks.
• 6:10
  No, that's not a massage either. So if you actually want a woman
• 6:14
  who wants to be in bed with you and enjoy your body and respond
• 6:18
  to in an uninhibited way, almost as though she were on some
• 6:21
  miracle drug that has not been invented.
• 6:23
  That makes women want to have sex.
• 6:26
  Why don't you try to give her an actual massage in 20 minutes is
• 6:29
  only your starting point. Many Men Who start massaging
• 6:33
  their wives, see a tremendous uptick in.
• 6:35
  In the sex that they're having both the quality and the
• 6:38
  quantity. Because relaxation is so, so so
• 6:41
  so so important for women and the massage does not mean, let
• 6:45
  me make this so clear. It is not the massage, you would
• 6:48
  want, it is not an erotic massage, it is not a massage
• 6:52
  where you do her back and then all of a sudden you're on her.
• 6:54
  As it's only been literally, she'll feel like he's always up
• 6:58
  my ass because you are because you massage your back for two
• 7:01
  minutes and then you're on her ads and everything else.
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  And it's not a massage. It's some bullshit for her and
• 7:06
  then she's going to say no. If you say, do you want a
• 7:09
  massage and you're a bad massage Giver?
• 7:11
  Then she'll always say no. And then you are one of the guys
• 7:14
  who's listening being like, Oh, it's only that would work for my
• 7:17
  wife but my wife doesn't like massage really.
• 7:20
  She doesn't like massage. How do you know how good did you
• 7:23
  get a massage? How many YouTube videos?
• 7:25
  Did you watch on? How to give a perfect massage,
• 7:28
  not an erotic massage but a good massage from actual YouTube.
• 7:32
  Massage people. Not YouTube erotic massage.
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  OSH people, there's a big difference.
• 7:37
  So if you are so good at giving a massage, and she still doesn't
• 7:41
  like it. If you say, literally, I'm
• 7:43
  trying to get better at massage. What could I do better?
• 7:46
  Should I use lotion? Should I make the room warmer?
• 7:50
  Should I make sure to keep the blanket on you on the parts that
• 7:53
  I'm not massaging? Should I focus on the parts that
• 7:55
  actually hurt you? Instead of the parts I like to
• 7:57
  touch like your feet instead of your ass and if she says, oh no,
• 8:01
  honey, you're so wonderful. And I look forward to She's all
• 8:05
  the time from you, great. Then you're one of the few guys
• 8:08
  that doesn't have to listen to this.
• 8:09
  If she says, no, it's okay. It's okay.
• 8:11
  I don't like massage, but she has ever booked a massage in her
• 8:14
  entire life. Then she's lying to spare your
• 8:16
  feelings and or because you turn massages in two sec's, if she's
• 8:19
  going to be totally hates being touched.
• 8:22
  Like she doesn't get manicures. She doesn't get pedicures.
• 8:24
  She barely gets her hair. Done at the salon.
• 8:26
  She would never booked a massage.
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  She like, you know, hates when your kids even cuddle her, then
• 8:32
  I believe it. Then I believe she's a woman
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  with a massive Touch of version possibly rooted in trauma.
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  Maybe just how she's wired and she is somebody who hates Touch
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  of all sorts. And you should certainly not try
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  to massage her because she would take it at some sort of a full
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  attack, you know, and be terrified but for the guys who
• 8:50
  are not with women, who are touched phobic and who have ever
• 8:53
  booked a massage but just don't like when the guy does it?
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  There's a reason she doesn't like when you do it because you
• 8:59
  don't do it, right? So if she has ever paid for a
• 9:02
  massage but she wouldn't want a massage from you then it's
• 9:04
  because You're not doing it right now, why would she allow
• 9:08
  you to be married to her for 20 years, without teaching, you how
• 9:10
  to do it? Better?
• 9:11
  A few reasons, all the read while not very few.
• 9:15
  It's one reason she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
• 9:18
  She's awkward around confrontation and she's like a
• 9:21
  people pleaser. You may say she's a fucking
• 9:23
  critical people pleaser, that may be true but still on some
• 9:27
  level she hates confrontation and you sulk when you get
• 9:31
  confronted so you can refer back to my podcasts on how to get
• 9:35
  more Sexual feedback, more honest, sexual feedback, and
• 9:38
  it's the same techniques for how to get more massage feedback.
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  Because if a woman has ever paid for a massage, believe me, she
• 9:44
  wishes that you were good at doing it and your sex life could
• 9:46
  be transformed by you learning to do it better because if you
• 9:50
  get a good massage then you feel drunk and doesn't she act better
• 9:53
  in bed? When she's drunk?
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  Isn't she happy? Or isn't she more uninhibited?
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  Doesn't she feel looser? Like, you know, like
• 9:59
  loosey-goosey, you know, not at any weird graphic sense but like
• 10:03
  kind of mentally, she's Inhibited, she's relaxed.
• 10:07
  She's there. She's into you because you have
• 10:09
  just provided a positive physical experience, right?
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  And another big so it's okay. So, let's go through all the
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  mistakes guys make, right? I did this with the oral sex
• 10:19
  podcast. Room is too cold.
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  Don't use lotion. Do it over the clothes.
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  Don't continue the spot that she likes.
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  Whatever that spot is even if it's not erotic, especially if
• 10:31
  it's not a rhotic, don't do it for a long enough.
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  Make it tick. For Tat basically 0 here, just
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  to explore that one. Some guys are like, but when I
• 10:40
  massage your she goes to sleep, like this is bad.
• 10:43
  Like providing your wife with such a wonderful relaxing
• 10:46
  experience that she would actually go to sleep is bad.
• 10:48
  That's good. That's building up so much
• 10:50
  Goodwill. That's making your wife, feel
• 10:52
  good and relax and you know what?
• 10:55
  It's going to come back to you. She's going to want to have sex
• 10:57
  the next day or the following day or in a week or something
• 11:01
  that she wouldn't have wanted otherwise because she is coming
• 11:03
  to associate you. Somebody that she wants to be
• 11:06
  close to because it feels good. This would be like trying to
• 11:10
  train a dog to do tricks but refusing to ever pet the dog.
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  You know, you're the petting, the dog in this case is massage
• 11:17
  men think that it's sex. The petting, the dog for a man
• 11:20
  is sex petting, a dog for a woman its frequently massage
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  massage and cuddling. Some women do not like hard
• 11:26
  massage, some women, love hard massage, but they don't like to
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  tell you because when they say do it, harder you Saul, can you
• 11:32
  sniffle? And you say, I don't know, I
• 11:34
  thought I wasn't Posed to blah blah blah.
• 11:36
  Your well don't do that. Don't be sulky.
• 11:39
  Right. Next one.
• 11:40
  Is that guys like do it for just a few minutes and then they say
• 11:43
  something like my hands hurt. Well, listen, if you were doing
• 11:46
  some like crazy fingering technique, you wouldn't say that
• 11:49
  shit. If you were allowed to go down
• 11:51
  on her that you wouldn't say that shit after two minutes.
• 11:54
  If you do then you shouldn't be allowed to go down on her,
• 11:56
  right? But with if it was pure sex, if
• 11:59
  you thought about it as sex, then you wouldn't say my dick
• 12:03
  hurts. You know, I don't really want to
• 12:04
  do it like this. Hopefully, right.
• 12:06
  Hopefully you would be so into the idea of her responding to
• 12:10
  you, that you would continue, doing whatever with your
• 12:12
  fingers, with your mouth with your penis.
• 12:14
  But if she likes massage for longer than many guys, like I'm
• 12:17
  done. No.
• 12:17
  My hands hurt. Well, this is foreplay for her.
• 12:21
  If you wouldn't want to stop touching her breasts or whatever
• 12:25
  other part of her body, you know?
• 12:27
  Like, if you wouldn't say the same thing in the middle of
• 12:30
  giving her an orgasm with your fingers, you wouldn't be like my
• 12:33
  hands hurt got to stop. Then why would you say that
• 12:36
  during a massage? You know, like if you're not in
• 12:38
  good enough shape to give a 20 minute massage, that maybe you
• 12:40
  could work on that, right? Same, as she could work on, you
• 12:44
  know, if she wasn't able to have sex for 20 minutes, that would
• 12:47
  be a problem for her to work up, do right?
• 12:49
  And I talk about that all the time, the need for foreplay, the
• 12:52
  need for foreplay, I talked about this two women in session.
• 12:55
  And I talked about it, in my podcast, I talked about it in my
• 12:58
  post sex, should not just be 5 minutes, it shouldn't be 10
• 13:01
  minutes. You should be having four
• 13:02
  players. Should touch the man's penis.
• 13:04
  Oh, hello! There's an Yeah, right.
• 13:06
  So now I'm saying it to Matt if you if you get good at massage
• 13:10
  and making her feel good, especially if she has a sensual
• 13:13
  erotic blueprint, so go back to the blueprint, go back to the
• 13:16
  erotic blueprint podcast. If she has a sensual blueprint,
• 13:20
  this will be even more important for her and if she has any
• 13:23
  chronic pain, and if she has any trouble with being stressed out
• 13:29
  and tense, all of these types of women.
• 13:31
  So, we're hitting the anxious, the depressed, The Chronic pain.
• 13:34
  I mean, shit. This is like the entirety of the
• 13:37
  women that I see, right, and the entirety of most women past 35.
• 13:42
  So learn to do this and then you will reap the dividends.
• 13:46
  So you can get her into a very relaxed state where it's almost
• 13:51
  like she just had a drink. Oh, by the way, this was now I
• 13:55
  remember another problem that people have is only do it at one
• 13:58
  time of the day. The only do it at night.
• 14:01
  I've already told you, she can't have sex that night because
• 14:04
  testosterone is At its peak at 6 a.m. and at its lowest at 6 p.m.
• 14:09
  so already. She has zero sex drive at night
• 14:11
  and now you're trying to give her a massage when she's
• 14:13
  exhausted. Of course, she's going to fall
• 14:15
  asleep. So let her fall asleep and she's
• 14:17
  come to associate you with something positive, right?
• 14:20
  Somebody who puts me to sleep because he's such a good
• 14:23
  masseuse. That is a very, very good way
• 14:26
  for a woman to think about her husband.
• 14:28
  Then some men are like, they won't give the massage in the
• 14:31
  morning or in the afternoon. For those encounters could just
• 14:34
  doesn't even occur. ER to them to do, because I
• 14:37
  don't know why, but if you but most women that struggle with
• 14:40
  anxiety, depression, chronic pain, all these things that I'm
• 14:43
  saying sleeping, it's not a good thing, you wake up, feeling
• 14:47
  worse than you did to go to sleep, you wake up feeling
• 14:50
  stiff, a lot of women grind their teeth, a lot of women,
• 14:53
  clench their fists, these are all symptoms of anxiety,
• 14:56
  chronic, chronic pain and depression, which again, many,
• 14:59
  many, many, many women struggle with.
• 15:01
  And if you include all the women who are not diagnosed, it's
• 15:04
  almost 100%. I would bet.
• 15:06
  So, you know, so you have two choices, you know, you could
• 15:09
  become depressed after hearing that sentence and decide that
• 15:12
  you're not going to be heterosexual anymore, or for the
• 15:14
  ones that still persevere. Then you can get good at making
• 15:18
  her body feel good because it doesn't usually feel good.
• 15:22
  So that means that in the morning, you could start out
• 15:25
  massaging her shoulders, and massaging, her feet or whatever
• 15:29
  you can have such a much different encounter for the
• 15:32
  women that respond to this. Which is many, many, many women,
• 15:37
  but listen, like everything is statistics, right?
• 15:39
  So I'm doing this this podcast half of y'all probably won't
• 15:43
  even listen to it because you won't think that it applies to
• 15:45
  you. For some reason, half of you
• 15:47
  will try it but the woman hates your guts because I don't know.
• 15:49
  You'd report an addict, I don't know what the hell's wrong with
• 15:52
  you but she hates your guts anyway.
• 15:53
  So she's not going to respond to shit and she's probably not even
• 15:56
  going to let you try then. Within the remaining quarter of
• 15:59
  you that try. I predict half of those guys to
• 16:03
  get a wonderful sexual And another half of them will get a
• 16:06
  slightly better sexual experience.
• 16:08
  So try to be one of those latter two categories, right?
• 16:12
  Everything that you think about sex for yourself?
• 16:15
  If you're a man is completely not applicable to how she
• 16:19
  thinks. That is the thing that many men
• 16:21
  get as an epiphany from listening to me, watching my
• 16:24
  videos being my client. There is no no continuity
• 16:29
  between how you view sex and how she view sex, you're laying
• 16:32
  there, your back hurts, you feel like shit, you know?
• 16:35
  You feel kind of like shit about your body, whatever you just on
• 16:38
  your phone, clicking around. If she came over and went down
• 16:40
  on you, it would make you feel like a million bucks.
• 16:43
  You wouldn't remember the back pain, you would feel like maybe
• 16:45
  your but much better looking than you thought, your body
• 16:48
  image issues would go away in that second and you would be
• 16:50
  having the night of your life, if she's laying there and she's
• 16:54
  feeling fat and tired, and gross, and stressed out, and
• 16:58
  she's clicking around on her phone to relax and then you
• 17:01
  start to go down on her. I don't know where she is,
• 17:03
  probably gonna punch. You could she Going to feel
• 17:05
  physiologically attacked like a fight or flight response.
• 17:09
  Never mind that it will hurt her vagina and literally and I've
• 17:12
  told you guys this in the oral sex podcast, as you can never
• 17:15
  touch the woman's genitals immediately that in and of
• 17:18
  itself should be enough to convince you that there is
• 17:21
  absolutely zero. Continuity between anything that
• 17:24
  you think about sex. There is zero analog to
• 17:27
  something she thinks about sex in the sexual realm, because
• 17:30
  having your vagina touched out of turn is a harrowing terrible.
• 17:35
  Perience for women and the best night of their life for men.
• 17:38
  If it were to happen to them, that their genitals were just to
• 17:41
  get touched by a woman out of nowhere.
• 17:43
  So that in and of itself that complete disparity in responses
• 17:48
  and should convince you, that I am correct.
• 17:51
  And that there is zero, zero analog between how men and women
• 17:54
  sick. So, try to think of it, like
• 17:57
  just completely wipe out. Anything that, like, she should
• 18:00
  feel X because I feel X and I know you like a massage, too.
• 18:03
  But guess what? You can have sex.
• 18:05
  Out a massage. There's any women listening.
• 18:07
  I want to make their husband feel great.
• 18:08
  Give them a massage and have sex with him, go for it.
• 18:11
  But you'll probably aren't listening to a marriage
• 18:13
  self-help podcast because your marriage sounds pretty good, if
• 18:16
  that's something, you're considering but on the other
• 18:18
  end, if you're a dude, who's trying to get laid and failing,
• 18:21
  maybe it's because you don't make her feel good physically.
• 18:24
  So she is, always tense always stressed.
• 18:28
  Yes, you're listening to me and doing foreplay but you need
• 18:30
  something even before the foreplay.
• 18:33
  And then if you say well, that's not fair.
• 18:35
  It will shit. I'm, it is a podcast for adults.
• 18:37
  They ask me that every time because it's explicit, you know,
• 18:39
  they say is this, something you could have, you know, children.
• 18:42
  Listen to know. So I'm talking about grownups
• 18:45
  and life's, not fair. So if you could get a much, much
• 18:48
  much better sex life from learning how to massage your
• 18:51
  wife then why the worry about what's fair, what's not fair?
• 18:55
  Lots of things aren't fair, right?
• 18:57
  So any it's not fair that you've waited this many decades before
• 19:00
  you heard dr. Psych mom, drop some wisdom on
• 19:03
  you. That too is not fair, but you
• 19:04
  don't Get all upset about it. No point.
• 19:07
  So try what I tell you and you know, see what happens,
• 19:12
  certainly can't make things worse.
• 19:13
  So what you want to do is say to your wife.
• 19:15
  Hey I've realized that with all your chronic pain stuff and with
• 19:18
  all your stress and with everything I should probably get
• 19:21
  a lot better at massage. What do you think about that?
• 19:24
  She'll look at you like it's some crazy sex thing you say no
• 19:27
  it's not some crazy. Sex thing of course I would be
• 19:29
  hoping it would help our sex life but yeah you know I've
• 19:32
  noticed I've realized that I don't really do much.
• 19:35
  That makes you feel physically good.
• 19:36
  Then I hear. I am expecting you to do
• 19:38
  something. That makes me feel physically.
• 19:39
  Good, it's really not fair. So I'm going to try to get
• 19:42
  better and I realize now after thinking about it, you have to
• 19:45
  research that, you know, me rubbing your back for 30 seconds
• 19:49
  through your sleep t-shirt and then, you know, kissing your
• 19:52
  neck is probably not a massage by any definition that a woman
• 19:55
  would Define it as. So I'm going to try something
• 19:58
  else. All right guys, good listening.
• 20:02
  Try this stuff out and I'll talk to you soon.
• 20:04
  Bye.