Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Politically Liberal Doesn't Mean Sexually Liberal, Or Just Because She's Against Slut Shaming Doesn't Mean She Wants To Be Your Slut

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Politically Liberal Doesn't Mean Sexually Liberal, Or Just Because She's Against Slut Shaming Doesn't Mean She Wants To Be Your Slut · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show today, we are going to talk about how being
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  liberal politically does not usually have or never has
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  anything to do with sexuality and why men in particular.
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  Conflate this characteristic and how to get out of this way of
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  thinking about it, which does not help, because it just means
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  that you feel like your wife pulled some sort of bait and
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  switch when she really didn't. So, Or we get to that, please do
• 0:36
  subscribe. I have 76 subscriber episodes.
• 0:39
  Most recently is to divorce, when you are not angry anymore
• 0:42
  at your partner, and if you don't understand why, then you
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  would divorce, well then you should listen to the podcast.
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  Alright. So I work with a lot of men,
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  obviously and a lot of couples, a lot of women but more and more
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  men reach out as my podcast and my you know, my blog and all
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  that grows and I've gotten more and more More men that are from
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  different places in the country where as you know, also there
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  was a passage of side pact which allows me to work with far more
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  people in the country. That's a reciprocity agreement.
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  But anyway, so I work with a lot more conservative, men and
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  conservative men, whose partners are not as conservative as that.
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  And in this situation frequently.
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  What happens is a guy grows up in a fairly conservative home
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  and then he goes to college, or Oncology meets a woman who is
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  more liberal politically. And this is very fascinating
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  because this woman is saying, all sorts of things that
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  intellectually he finds very interesting and on a
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  subconscious level, he conflates this with an open mindedness
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  that goes beyond politics, but she's not really doing that.
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  She's not saying that she's not, she's not trying to say that,
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  but but he doesn't know that. So what do I mean?
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  Because this can seem very nebulous Without an example.
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  So let's say a woman says that she is against slut-shaming,
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  right? And that she feels that women
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  should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies.
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  Well, you could see how this would be an extremely different
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  Viewpoint to hear a woman. Say this for a man that grew up
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  hearing his mother say kind of that sex is bad and to wait
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  until marriage and telling his sister's, let's say to be good
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  girls and wait until marriage. So this would seem like very
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  sexually Open woman that really likes sex and then he feels
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  like, wow, you know, like this is somebody who is very
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  sexually, open minded. It doesn't mean that at all, you
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  know, it means that she's politically opened my eyes.
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  It, it doesn't mean she wants to be your slut.
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  You do as I say, in my subtitle of this podcast, it means that
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  she doesn't want somebody who chooses to be quote, slutty, AKA
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  promiscuous or whatever to be ashamed of it, which is valid,
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  you know, I mean, I agree but that has nothing Nothing to do
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  with that. Your specific wife wants to do
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  any act with you. So she could say women can do
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  whatever they want with their bodies.
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  Well, that could seem again, very exciting until that one
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  actually backfires tremendously because she only does what she
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  wants with her body. And so these are women who
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  actually are the most recalcitrant around the idea of
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  responsive desire because they think if I don't want to right
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  now, why would I Six and so they're very it goes against
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  everything that they think to say, oh well, maybe I'm never
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  going to want it right now with in monogamy, but to be a good
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  partner. I want to get myself into a
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  situation where my body can respond because I shouldn't be
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  listening to whether or not my body is aroused before contact
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  because no human females. Monogamous body is aroused prior
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  to contact. So as I discuss obviously all
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  over including most specifically in my responsive desire podcast.
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  So, but if you You have a Viewpoint that it's like,
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  basically women should do whatever the hell they want.
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  All of the time, what you could see how this may not concurred
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  with the idea of a reciprocal, happy marriage.
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  And I'm not saying that certainly, it's a bad to be
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  politically liberal at all or is or to be politically,
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  conservative, it's startling to me and I've written about this,
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  that there are therapists who I had a podcast on this, who say
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  things and listservs like a To refer out this client because I
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  don't believe what they're I don't agree with their political
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  beliefs. I'm a what the hell is our
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  profession? Let me would your would your
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  doctor refused to treat your cancer?
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  Because like he didn't agree with your political beliefs?
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  It's just crazy. And it's a profession that I
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  thought was supposed to be predicated on Extreme
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  open-mindedness and empathy to the point where you would try to
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  understand how anybody could have any belief system, you
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  know. And then start work with them
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  from where they're at meeting them where they're at.
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  Rat with empathy. But anyway, that's just inside.
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  But the point here is there's no political extreme position that
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  really relates to a lot of empathy.
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  And I've seen that on the liberal side and on the
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  conservative side, both sides, both sides can be extremely
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  close. Minded being an extremist of any
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  sort is very obviously closed-minded.
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  It means that you often reject the other position completely
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  out of hand and That you associate more and more with
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  people who only agree with you. So this isn't good.
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  I talk about the manosphere a lot.
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  It's not good in the manosphere but it's not good in the very
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  anti-male, women's groups that are on the internet as well, you
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  know, in a lot of female groups there gets us there emerges a
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  very anti male sentiment that is just as toxic as anti-female
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  sentiment, that is in a lot of the male groups.
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  So it's on either side. You know that extremism relates
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  to close my did this and a lack of empathy for your partner if
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  they believe even slightly differently than you do.
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  So when you are dating somebody or thinking about whether you're
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  sexually compatible with them, their political beliefs should
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  really have very little to do with it.
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  And there is no intellectual proxy variable for sexuality,
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  you know, in Less. It's really just the construct
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  of open-mindedness. So if you're open-minded, then
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  at the very, if you're extremely committed to open mind and it's
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  at the very least, then you would imagine that that person
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  would not shame their partner for having certain preferences,
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  or Kinks or whatever. Although I I mean, it's
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  interesting because I do see people who say that they're very
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  open-minded and then they, they are Logically disgusted by a
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  partner's preferences and Kings. So I think that this is more of
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  a sense, sort of thing. It's like more of in the located
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  in the body. The sexuality it's it's if you
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  take the erotic blueprint quiz, they talked about the different
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  sexual Styles and just Google erotic blueprint quiz and it's
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  like these emerge. I mean I was going to say with
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  the exception of the Kink one but there's plenty of super
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  conservatives that are kinky, you know?
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  And they just don't tell anybody.
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  But, yeah, this is just different.
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  It's just like a totally different separate variable that
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  doesn't have anything to do with your philosophical or political
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  leanings. Whether you love touch and to be
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  intimate, doesn't have any. It's completely orthogonal with
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  your political self and where you fall philosophically on the
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  spectrum of whether people should or shouldn't Not do
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  certain sexual acts. So a woman saying that sex work
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  should be legalized. For example, a man who was
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  raised with a mother who would never say such a thing.
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  Might be very enthusiastically excited about committing their
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  life to such an open-minded person.
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  And instead what this woman is saying is basically, you know, I
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  don't want anybody to suffer. I want this to be legalized so
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  that prostitutes don't get hurt so that there can be rules
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  around it but they are in. No, Way thinking in any sort of
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  trickery and sense about what goes on between the prostitute
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  and the John, I mean, in no way. Like this isn't something that
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  is like, she don't feel any Affinity to The Prostitute.
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  I'm trying to say, except for the fact that they're both
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  female and that she believes that people should have basic
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  human rights, and should be and should be taken care of within a
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  legal system. But when you say certain things
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  to a man, Who has never heard anybody be you know say anything
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  like them. Then the man often conflates.
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  This political liberal Nets. And this open-mindedness about
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  constructs. Like, for example, the sex
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  workers slut-shaming with like the fact that the woman feels
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  like this, this sexual sort of that, she feels empathy for
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  these women because she too is like a highly sexual being.
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  It has nothing nothing to do with.
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  At and I hear this so much that like a guy thought that a woman
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  was very open-minded because politically she said things that
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  he had never heard before or philosophically do not conflate
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  these things. You know, there are men, who
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  would be far more compatible with a woman who was
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  politically, conservative even a liberal Man.
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  By the way, with a woman who is politically conservative, but
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  who loves touch like because that is a separate.
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  Completely separate construct. It's like, as though, like your
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  your husband let's say really believes in higher education and
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  he believes in the value of education.
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  And he says that a lot. Oh yeah, I really believed in
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  education and I would want our children and the future to be
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  able to go to college. And I really want them.
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  I want to save up for college for my kids and I feel like
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  that's a very important thing like this doesn't Always mean
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  that your husband then is some big intellectual, you know,
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  maybe just because he thinks he's saving up for your kids
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  college. Does not mean that he's like
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  reading in bed at night. He may just be doing fantasy
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  football. So you have to actually look at
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  the person in front of you, instead of making these
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  generalizations based on their kind of philosophical opinions
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  about the world. So this goes beyond this
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  basically. Ali, the sexuality thing to many
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  other things. You want to be observing the
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  person in real time. If you're talking to a woman who
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  says that she feels that women should be able to have sex
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  whenever they want, however, they want.
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  And that nobody should be judged for their sexual preferences.
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  But she doesn't really seem to have any sexual preferences when
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  you have sex. It's basically penis and vagina
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  sex all the time. She kind of never goes over to
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  you for a kiss or a Cuddle. What you're seeing is somebody
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  whose philosophy you align with but that person there who they
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  are as a human being is not compatible.
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  If you're a high libido sexual person.
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  It's not compatible with you. Whereas somebody could have a
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  very different political or no real political philosophy about
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  any sort of sexual issue but be somebody who in the erotic
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  blueprint, Thing is a highly sensual person that likes to
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  touch and sex. So this is its own variable and
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  this obviously goes far beyond this point.
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  I mean there's plenty of people who for example like many oh
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  here here's one. That's interesting.
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  So there's many people who have our ocpd partner, right?
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  And I did a podcast about ocpd, obsessive-compulsive personality
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  disorder. These people are often really
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  into not often one of the key Teoria is that they are super
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  obsessed with being, right? Morally and ethically.
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  And so this is another form of their rigidity.
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  But if you're meeting them at first, you could just see them
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  as a super ethical person and think that this is going to mean
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  that they're really kind. They may not be kind at all.
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  They may be extremely irritable and rigid by definition but they
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  have these really Yeah. They're super into certain
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  ethical perspectives, so like they might donate a lot of money
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  because they don't want people to be hungry and they don't, in
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  fact, think it's fair that anybody in the world would be
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  hungry, right? So that is admirable.
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  But then yet, if you're married to that person and your own
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  child wants to play a game with them, they may not be nice at
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  all because they are being interrupted in their task.
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  Perhaps even you know donating money, you know, to the Hungry,
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  Like It, ethics and philosophical positions on
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  ethics, have very, very little to do with how somebody is going
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  to act date today and the kind of physical and sensual
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  experience that they have inside their body.
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  So while I am a super big proponent of online dating, I
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  feel like it opens up the whole world of potential Partners to
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  Two people, you know, especially to single parents who don't have
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  that much time to get out there and meet people in any sort of
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  bar or party setting, and I met my own husband on OkCupid.
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  I think that sometimes when people are using online dating,
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  they are their list of requirements can be way high and
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  crazy. And I've did a podcast on why
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  not to have a long list of requirements in a partner.
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  And I read this book, I forget it was by, I think Ezra Klein.
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  This book on Polarized, we've become politically, and it said
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  that, like, nowadays. And I've seen this in my
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  practice, people will not even go on a date with somebody who
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  has a different political orientation.
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  But, and that's like, so crazy, you know?
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  Because like you, you may be more aligned with that person
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  than you think. You know, they may be fairly
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  Centrist, but they just picked up.
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  So they just said you know, that they're on one side or the other
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  because they have certain things that they disagree with her.
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  I agree with. And you're stopping yourself
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  from seeing somebody that you make chemically, and emotionally
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  and intellectually click with. I'm not.
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  There is, of course. Also the now this is, like, not
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  even a thing, but like, it used to be that you that that
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  Partners could talk to one another about political issues
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  and perhaps, you know, emerge with, with a moderate Viewpoint
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  that they come up with between them that characterizes more of
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  who they are, as a couple, and kind of learn from one another's
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  perspective. Lives and and grow.
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  That is no longer thought to be valid at all.
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  In fact, like among many women if you see that a geyser
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  Republican on a dating app he's just like out the window that
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  could have been your the love of your life you know you don't
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  know. It could have been that he's a
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  republican because he doesn't believe in certain Financial
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  things that you actually kind of don't care about as much as you
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  think as all the socially liberal things that you care
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  about, you don't really know. So I mean if you are out Out
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  there dating and somebody seems really like you click with them
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  except they clicked off the wrong political button on the on
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  the dating app and I know that OkCupid had political stuff, so
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  maybe other ones do too, you know, maybe still go out with
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  that person for a first date because you don't really want to
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  conclude everything about a human based on their political
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  leanings. Which by the way, change over
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  time, you know, they do change, they people are He's evolving
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  and always in flux. So different sorts of
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  experiences aging, parenting different.
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  You know, having more money, there's lots of things that a
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  chord with change or less money. There's lots of different things
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  that a chord with changing your political beliefs even slightly.
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  But anyway, that is that's just relevant for people who are who
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  are very closed-minded about even considering somebody who's
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  politically different even by checking off a box, and that's
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  more people than You think so? Anyhow, the point of this is if
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  your wife came off are politically liberal, and you
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  feel like that was a bait and switch because she's actually
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  closed minded, man. You had sex with her.
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  Like you. You could have seen it.
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  You were young everybody. That's youngest stupid.
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  I was stupid. Everybody is so.
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  So, I mean and that's not like a pejorative, that's just
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  literally you don't really know anything yet, but it doesn't
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  mean like it's, it shouldn't be confusing to you.
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  You How is somebody that's so politically liberal?
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  So sexually closed off because those are completely different
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  constructs and it was your wishful thinking and an
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  experience that conflated that it does not mean that she and
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  some way was promising something that she didn't give you were in
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  bed with her, you saw all the heart stops.
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  So you know I mean it's on you more than it's on her honestly
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  because there's no woman that thinks that saying that they are
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  politically liberal means that they are going to Be doing some
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  wild shit in bed that just isn't a thing.
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  Like women don't think like that men's subconsciously think like
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  that men are always looking for signs.
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  That a woman is sexually open mind always looking for signs
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  like that, you know, because they are like Prime to see sex
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  everywhere and I mean it's just like women say to me, well, he
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  never ended up being very responsible.
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  He's never been able to keep a job.
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  He's never been able, he's never been very good with money, but
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  when we met you He told me that it was important for him to, you
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  know, own his own home. Yeah.
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  Okay. He said that.
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  But where was he living? When he said that it was like,
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  living with a roommate? Like the only way he's owned his
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  own home now it's because you've always had a job.
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  Like, look at the person's Behavior, not what they say is
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  their philosophy and everybody young.
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  You know, that they don't know this yet.
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  And so if you're listening to this and you're young, you know,
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  look at people's behavior. Look at what they do look at
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  their actions over there. Worked.
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  Alright well hopefully this was interesting and was applicable
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  to enough of you to be of use and I will talk to you soon.
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  Bye, bye.