Latest / The Kink Consultant / Can Doms Be Brats? The Debate That Broke KinkTok. A Discussion On Kink Theory, BDSM and Power Exchange

Transcript

Can Doms Be Brats? The Debate That Broke KinkTok. A Discussion On Kink Theory, BDSM and Power Exchange · The Kink Consultant

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It's the King Consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
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on all things kink and dating, relationships and pop culture.
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So close the door, plug in your headphones, and let's get down
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to it. Hey everyone and welcome to this
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week's episode of The Kink Consultant.
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I am here with a man that I found through TikTok and he is
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definitely kinky, I know that much.
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But we also have some interesting viewpoints on kink
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in general. And I was like, I want to talk
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to this guy. I was fortunate enough that he
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invited me onto his submissive group to speak to a lot of
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submissives that he meets with, I think on a weekly or monthly
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basis. And that is where we first had
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our first real life interaction. So Trip Terrier, welcome to the
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King Consultant podcast. I'm so excited to have you here.
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But when I wanted to introduce you, I was like, I know Trip as
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a content creator, I know him as a dominant.
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But Trip, how do you refer to yourself?
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Thanks for having me. I go by Trip Terrier.
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I talk about and share my experience with power exchange
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and kink theory, which is to say that a lot of the content I make
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tries to discuss some of the nuances of kink, some of the
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Gray areas, some of the confusing areas, and ask a lot
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of questions there. In my professional life you
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alluded to, I have a mentorship program that's just like the
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basis of my business. It's a three month program where
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I take mostly submissive types and teach them self doming and
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self subbing with the aim of codifying their power, their
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free will, and then having the discussions about consent that
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derives from that power. So that's the main thing I do,
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in addition to like consulting for authors and such as that, I
1:55
also just for the community and working on an app as a
1:59
strategist that is going to provide violent criminal
2:04
background checks and sex offender background checks that
2:07
are cheap and easily accessible in order to be just like an app
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network that's in development right now.
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I can't really say much more than that, but I've got my hands
2:15
in a few different things. A few you just named a laundry
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list. I love it.
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There's so much to talk about, but I think that you really
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nailed it when you said your online content talks about the
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Gray areas of King. And I think that's what
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attracted me to your content so quickly because I was like, man,
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he's talking about things I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot
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barge pole on here because kink is already so taboo.
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Not only that, I find that a lot of people get very aggressive
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and sometimes that doesn't sit well with my nervous system.
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I'm like, I'm not here to pick apart titles and things like
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that. So I love watching your content
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because you talk about things that very few other people are
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talking about. Yeah, I'm in a very privileged
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position that I get to work in this space full time.
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And so I don't have to worry about taking this persona to the
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office. Like this is my office.
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And so I definitely have a liberty that allows me to
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discuss things in depth. And, you know, sometimes it
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upsets people and that's fine. But in order to navigate the
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space, I've only been doing content for a year, literally 12
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months. And early, early on, I was
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getting accustomed to how TikTok works.
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And it became really, really apparent to me that I was going
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to have some really strong boundaries and values or I'd get
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sucked into the underbelly temptation of cynicism of social
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media. So some of the things that I've
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done is I don't argue with people in my comments.
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I really don't reply to people hardly ever because I don't want
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to make my comment sections on either Instagram or TikTok a
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contentious place. People fight with each other,
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but I try not to fight back. I don't want people to see me
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that way. And it's also not good for me or
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my time or my mental health. The other thing is I have a hard
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boundary around spitting out my ideology on my account.
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My accounts are where my ideas and perspective live, but I do
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my best not to bring them to other people's accounts.
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Which means I do not comment on other people's posts really,
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unless like I'm cheerleading and supporting.
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But I'm never going to like start a disagreement with
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somebody else. If I don't agree with them, I
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just move on. I knew I liked you by the way.
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I knew I liked you and I couldn't put my finger on it,
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but you are describing what you don't do is what was done to me
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early in my days when I was still finding my feet.
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And I think that's what I appreciate.
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I also don't go to other people's comments section and
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say, well, actually or XYZ. Social media can be about that.
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But also someone else's viewpoint is not technically in
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direct opposition to mine. By putting myself in their
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comments, I'm creating that structure.
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Yeah, and I mean, it's a fascinating example of power
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exchange. There is a dynamic on the
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Internet when something is said that triggers their insecurity.
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They are trying to bring the conversation to a playing field
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that they feel more dominant in. And so they will try to bring my
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attention to them. And I just put up the wall.
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I said no, I don't consent to engaging in this.
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And so that's for my safety. And also just the generalization
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of like, has anyone ever gotten into a conversation in the
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comments section of a social media app and actually been
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convinced and changed their life?
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No, we double down, we hide in our corners and we get more
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tribal. And so I just play that tape out
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and go, am I going to commit the next two hours of my day arguing
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with this random person? Absolutely not.
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That is not indicative of the way I want to carry myself as a
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dominant player. And so I try to exemplify it
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everywhere that I can. Literally love that.
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I wish I had talked to you 3 years ago when I started because
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like yeah why didn't I ever just play the tape out?
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Something that I don't talk about.
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But there is another King creator out there who early on
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they let me be for a while but once I hit about 40,000
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followers they just started to come after me both in my
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comments and DMS. I would always engage because I do want to
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learn and I always want to self check.
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Am I doing something wrong? But eventually after I don't
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know the 3rd, 4th, 5th comment by them or DM.
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I'm petty and I paid attention. I said you have never liked,
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positively engaged or been positive about anything I've
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ever done. If I only hear from you when
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it's negative, you are soon going to become someone whose
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opinion I don't value at all. I barely valued it in the first
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place. But my point was, I'm going to
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stop doing a self check because hearing from you is just hearing
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a kinky Karen, you know what I mean?
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When I saw your videos, I thought of that because I was
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like, this is someone who's holding true to what he
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believes. He's talking about it and people
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can agree or they can move on. Those are their two options.
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And your page really exemplifies that.
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And that's why I love going to it.
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I love following you. I believe you've been taken down
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from Instagram once or twice though, because I've lost your
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account a couple of times. At first I was like, did he
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unfollow me or did like he block me because my mind goes there
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And then I realized, Oh no, he's just victim of the algorithm.
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Yeah, and The thing is, when they delete your account, I have
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no idea why. It could be any of the things
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that I posted. Like I've gotten an account
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strike on TikTok for talking about DDLG.
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And The thing is, my content is rhetorical.
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It's psychological. Like I only talk about it.
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I'm not one of those people that is dressing up like a smart book
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character and doing this salacious kind of content.
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So I've never understood when and why and how I get marked but
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I got kicked off Instagram and I just assume it's for the same
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DDLG video. But yes, social media is
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difficult. That's like my major fear every
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is the social media ban. Oh.
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That is the one that I think you and I first connected over.
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I did a post that said it was talking about DDLG and you had
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commented on it saying I can't believe you got away with
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hashtagging it like DDLG. I remember saying that.
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That was a really popular post post.
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And The thing is, you know, what's wonderful about that is
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it was such a shower thought. I was at work.
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I used to work in the film production.
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So I was on set and all the posts was like shout out to the
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L GS. Like I see you, I love a silly
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little LG or whatever. And it wasn't getting into any
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graphic details or like, you know, talking about canker,
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anything like that. And the community came out of
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the damn woodworks. So many people that are into
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that scene were like, I didn't know we were allowed to talk
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about it. Oh, my God, my people.
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Like, everyone was like making friends.
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And it was just really nice that I didn't plan on that.
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And then it was one of those moments where you're like, Oh,
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yeah, that's why I do this. I remember that so clearly.
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Honestly, I don't think I remember it was your account
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that I set it to, but I remember that was my immediate thought of
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almost like can we do this? I'm still too scared, but can
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we? And I love that you did and
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answered it for many of us, whether or not that was the
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thing that eventually got you kicked off.
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All right, there's one video I do remember.
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I I've been following you. I loved your content.
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One of the first things I clocked though, that I was like,
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oh, this is going to make people angry.
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I was not angry. I want to be clear about that.
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But I did think, oh, he's opening up the door here.
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Your take is that Doms cannot be brats, correct?
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I'm putting you a little on the spot here, but can you go
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through that for me? Like why can't Doms be brats?
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Sure. Yeah, that video has been
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haunting me for probably the last six months or so because
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people always want to talk about it.
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There's a lot of a range of opinions and I give people this
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space to stake their claim in that discussion.
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I'm totally open to alternative views.
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And for reference I have to say like I only have ever talked
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about this on my account. I'm not trying to spread this to
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anyone elses dynamic, but the criticism I've received always
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comes back to is maybe we have a different definition of brat and
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maybe we have a different definition of how doms show up
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or how power exchange is actually coordinated.
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And so even to have this conversation, I feel like it's
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prudent to ask you, how do you view defining a brat?
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I do think that as I define it, it'll fall right into your play
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here of I do believe a brat is a submissive who ultimately wants
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to challenge and check authority and ultimately wants to lose.
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They want to be put back in their place.
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That is their main aim. It is very rarely to actually
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win in one up. So my theory is that is someone
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who tests boundaries and pushes for the ultimate goal of
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discovering the boundary and understanding where they sit
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within it. Does that make sense?
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Like. I'm with it.
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I'm with it. Like more or less.
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I feel the same way. The way I describe it, there's
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nuanced differences, is I describe bratting as in a
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disciplinarian and authoritarian kink.
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And so they are somebody that acts in a way that's going to
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solicit authority and discipline.
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Now, the claims that I make in regards to doms can't be brats
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is due to the fact that if a submissive is trying to solicit
11:19
authority, trying to solicit discipline, then how is a Dom
11:25
from a place of authority going to solicit that same authority?
11:29
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12:06
So there's a lot of behavior that Doms can play with that
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look a lot like bratting, and we can call it brat like we can
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describe it as bratty. However, and in terms of role
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play and identity, I do not believe a Dom can be a brat.
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I think a brat is a submissive position by definition.
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And this can splinter off into a lot of different conversations.
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So I just want to get your feedback on that part.
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No, I am pretty much in agreement with you.
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You're right, because like, when my Dom is what I would, I won't
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be showing him this episode because you are.
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I do not need this putting against me in my own personal
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life. But I do think what I describe
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of yeah, it's bratty. It's more toying.
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What I would describe he's doing is toying with me as opposed to
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bratting. Because you're right, as I
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previously defined it, he's not trying to lose.
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He's playing cat and mouse with me and he's always the cat and
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I'm always the mouse. Yes, that's a great example
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because I hadn't thought about this until people started
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offering me criticism of that statement.
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But there is an inherent brattiness to the dominant
13:13
player because they are the player playing with power.
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And so like in order to play with power in a spicy way, it
13:22
means you are going to be bending and approaching the
13:26
threshold of rule breaking, right?
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The submissive player is in it for that tension.
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That's the game that we're playing.
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I mean, we could be more specific.
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Like there is is an inherent rebelliousness that comes with
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domination. And I think that that gets
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looked at as bratty. And to that extent, when folks
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come out and identify as a bratty Dom, I'm like, I'm not
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asking anybody to stop engaging in the behavior do it, but I
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think that there's probably better ways to describe it and
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where it really becomes an issue.
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This conversation happens in a context.
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I'm a SIS heterosexual male and the domination that I practice
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exists within the context of a patriarchal society and a
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capitalistic status structure. And that is one of the elements
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that we play with. And so when we're talking about
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rule breaking and the positions that we're holding, it is,
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without even thinking about it, a reflection of of our roles in
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greater society. And so for me to play with the
14:30
rules and for me to play with power, the rules are going to be
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different than if it was a gay couple or a lesbian couple or.
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Or a femdom. Variety of it, yeah.
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Or a femdom, like there are common denominators which we are
14:43
all under the patriarchal umbrella, but it affects my
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relationships and my perspective differently than it affects
14:50
assists, submissive perspective or any other variety.
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And so we're playing different games under the same arena.
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OK so I agree with that. Playing different games under
15:01
the same arena. What I also describe it as
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tangentially about this. I always describe kink like the
15:08
Christian religion. Christianity has a bunch of
15:10
different sects and they all believe mostly the same thing,
15:13
but the specifics which are different and people have gone
15:16
to war and bombed over the differences in it.
15:20
And that's what I see play out in the king community.
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Like I was raised Catholic, now of Episcopal and I've switched
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sides and it's like all mostly the same thing.
15:28
Different fonts, different definitions sometimes.
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So you do have to ask that question.
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I love that you started with like, well, what's your
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definition of it? Because that's the curiosity
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being peaked. It's like, OK, well, if we're
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looking at through this through different lenses, describe your
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lens so we can start there. Do you play with brats then?
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I just want to be very clear about this.
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Not all Doms need to play with brats.
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You have a choice. I like a dynamic player that can
15:50
do it all because I need constant novelty in order to
15:53
bring the best out in me. When things are too structured
15:57
and too predictable, then I get bored.
15:59
So I don't get the headspace that I'm looking for.
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But I just want to circle back on one point in regards to the
16:06
stadium, the power structure and everything.
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The experience I have that may be different from, say, FM Dom
16:14
or a queer couple is that as a CIS heterosexual male dominant,
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there is a variety of player that does intend to break the
16:26
rules, except they're doing it out of tyranny.
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And that is a style of play that is totally valid if it's
16:32
consensual. But there are options to act out
16:36
of a tyrannical intention without disclosing it and
16:40
disguising it as brattiness. And so this is somebody that's
16:43
inconsistent, they lack accountability, and they seem to
16:47
just always win, right? They're not responsible in that
16:50
way. And The thing is, I get those
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DMS. I get the DMS from the women that come to me and say,
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hey, is this normal? And I go, no, you're being taken
16:58
advantage of. And so that colors my
17:01
perspective that I don't think a lot of other folks have seen.
17:05
And so when I say a brat can't be a Dom, one of the core
17:09
distinctions is because that there is another role to be
17:14
played that is worthy of the distinction so that submissives
17:18
can know exactly what dynamic they're getting into and are
17:21
they consenting to that type of play.
17:23
The sub you're saying, are they consenting to that type of play?
17:26
Yeah, like the Dom, if the dominant is going to brat not
17:30
because of just playing with power, but because they want to
17:33
play a role where they are above the rules, the rules do not
17:37
apply to them. They want to play Donald Trump,
17:39
then that needs to be disclosed and consented to.
17:42
That's not bratting, even though we could easily look at the
17:45
actions of like the administration and say like,
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yeah, you're a bratty little temper tantrum toddler, you
17:51
know? Yeah.
17:52
They look the same they. Look exactly the same.
17:54
That's the problem. Yeah, it's the intention and the
17:58
negotiation behind it. Yeah, that makes total sense.
18:02
So I don't have to get that point out.
18:04
No, I'm really glad you did because I'm like, yeah, This is
18:06
why social media makes it hard though, because you couldn't get
18:08
that point out exactly like that on social media without the
18:11
message getting lost in the 90 seconds you have to make the
18:14
point. Yeah, I don't know if you have
18:16
this experience, but when you're making clips and I don't script
18:20
mine and just rattle and then like I'll go back to edit and
18:23
I'm like, that's not the point I'm trying to make or whatever,
18:25
but I'm just like upload because.
18:26
I just I. Just don't care and it doesn't
18:30
matter because no matter what I say, people are going to take it
18:33
the way that they. Are going to take.
18:35
It yeah, so it's just whatever it's just content I.
18:38
Wish I could explain to people it's whatever it's just content.
18:40
But then you are immediately put on a platform form of like, well
18:43
you're an educator now. Like I rejected that term for
18:46
the longest time and then I had enough people reach out to me
18:49
and tell me they learned so much from me.
18:51
And I'm like well fuck, even if I rejected people are looking at
18:54
me as if I'm an educator. So I have to try.
18:57
But at the end of the day it's just content and people.
19:00
Well we have a responsibility to not turn people into tyrants.
19:04
It's also like we're just one church you can listen to or one
19:08
viewpoint. There are others to take in.
19:10
But yes, early on when I was first making content, I would
19:13
beat myself up. I would be like, this wasn't
19:15
clear enough, blah blah blah. And then that video would go
19:17
viral because it spoke to so many people and I was obsessing
19:20
over things that didn't matter. So I imagine the same thing
19:22
happens to you. You upload something stick, like
19:25
I don't know how much you said it was a shower thought or no,
19:28
not that video, but your brat Dom 1.
19:30
Like you didn't know that that would be haunting you months in,
19:33
but here we are. I love the conversation starter
19:36
of it. I started mentoring in a a like
19:40
7 years ago and that was something that I learned.
19:42
I learned where I would try to help sponsors get sober and like
19:46
impart wisdom or whatever. And it was so confusing that I
19:49
would like try to hit them with these truths that my sponsors
19:52
and elders have imparted on to me.
19:54
And they just weren't hearing the same thing.
19:57
And that's when I learned that like people are filtering
19:59
through their own experience and their own insecurities and
20:02
everything. And the thing that I think is
20:04
dumb is what they're attaching to.
20:06
And I just don't get to pick what it is.
20:08
And then? When I started making content
20:11
early on, somebody said you just have to get really used to being
20:14
misunderstood. And that's when I stopped
20:17
replying to people's criticism in the comments and everything.
20:20
Like, I'm not going to correct anybody.
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We're not on the same planet. Like it just doesn't even
20:23
matter. Sorry, who was this genius with
20:25
this advice? Because I missed this memo, I'm
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getting it right now for the first time.
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Not even somebody I knew. I think I was like tik toking
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like how to upload a TikTok by FIPI just didn't know anything.
20:37
And you know, I resonate when I started talking about power
20:41
exchange on like a more academic level, I put in my bio, I'm not
20:45
an educator. I'm just sharing my experience.
20:47
And that was really something that was important to me,
20:50
especially because I just know how hostile the Internet is.
20:53
And that the only reason anyone wanted me to identify as an
20:57
educator is so they could invalidate me as an educator and
21:00
try to strip that from me and be like, you don't know what you're
21:02
talking about. How dare you identify as an
21:04
educator. I'm like, OK, well, I'll just
21:05
get ahead of it and not identify like it doesn't matter to me.
21:08
I don't need that identity. I don't do classes either, I
21:11
don't do lectures, I'm not on the circuit or any of that.
21:13
So like, it's not important to me at all.
21:15
No, that's really fair. I have done them.
21:17
But I recognize that the people I speak to are at a different
21:20
stage in their journey than people who are attending
21:23
conventions where they're really in it.
21:25
So I don't do that. I don't call myself an educator,
21:28
but I don't shy away from it anymore and reject it because
21:30
I'm like, whether they're going to invalidate me or not.
21:32
But I feel you. Like I feel so seen by that.
21:34
The earlier people trying to call me an educator were the
21:36
ones who were equally trying to invalidate me.
21:39
My experience. Luckily, I could have been
21:42
turned off very early on though from it.
21:44
That's what I'm saying. You just out the gate, you were
21:47
ready for it and sort of, I'm going to be misunderstood.
21:50
That's going to happen sometimes.
21:51
Yeah, to bring this home for the audience, we're not even talking
21:56
about social media, even though that might be the context here.
21:59
We're talking about the power dynamics of social media.
22:02
And these are things that I take home with me.
22:05
And it was really difficult when I first uploaded my accounts
22:09
receiving giving all that criticism.
22:10
Like I know that I'm guilty until proven innocent.
22:15
Like people see my account identify as a straight white
22:18
male and a dominant, and I'm a predator until I'm not.
22:22
Like, I know that that's going to be the first impression.
22:24
I'm nodding along because I thought the same thing.
22:27
I said, Oh, a male Dom. I didn't comment, but I was
22:29
like, let's pay attention, right?
22:31
Yeah. And so that's my hurdle to get
22:33
over. And the question to me is do I
22:35
accept that, you know, burden or not?
22:37
And I did early on, knowing that I was going to be called a lot
22:41
of names, and then people were comparing me to Andrew Tate and
22:44
like things that I just never expected would ever happen.
22:48
And I just didn't even understand the comparisons that
22:51
they were trying to make. But I just got really heavy on
22:53
the block button. And The thing is, it was really
22:57
great experience for me, great practice in my ability to
23:02
emotionally regulate and stabilize.
23:05
And as someone with ADHD, I'm prone to rejection sensitivity
23:10
dysmorphia or disorder or whatever.
23:12
And so like sometimes when people make that comment, they
23:14
just hit so Dang hard that like I'm done for the day.
23:17
Like I got to cancel meetings. It just really got me and I had
23:22
to develop more tools for self soothing that as I mentioned,
23:26
I'm a member of a A So like I don't have the vice crutches
23:30
anymore. I can't just go drink it out.
23:32
I actually have to sit down with my feelings and really handle
23:35
it, which is the kind of Dom I want to be.
23:37
So like all of this was relevant and a great.
23:40
I could see that I also ultimately weighing it all up,
23:44
would say that I have had a good experience through all of this.
23:47
I mean, it's made me who I am. There were things I wish I could
23:49
go back and talk to myself three years ago and be like, so the
23:52
fuck? What if they come into your DMS
23:55
and question who you are and tell you you're being dangerous?
23:58
I have not had any feedback of anyone coming back and saying
24:00
you harmed me with this information.
24:02
So yeah, have you? No, I haven't, but I think the
24:07
two points to make there one, everyone's just making it up as
24:10
they go along. No one knows what the hell
24:12
they're talking about. And like I'll be the first to
24:14
admit I don't know what I'm talking about.
24:15
I'm just making this shit up as I go along.
24:17
Because of your lived experience though.
24:19
And that's why I try to just share my experience the best I
24:23
can. Some people ask me questions
24:24
outside of my experience, and you have to, you know, make some
24:27
speculations and try to preface it that way.
24:30
But the second thing is it's a fascinating slice of where we
24:34
are with media literacy and what platforming is and what
24:38
platforming isn't. And we're trying to like figure
24:40
that out as a culture. And what responsibility do these
24:43
voices have? And I think the common
24:46
perception is that if you have a platform, you're responsible for
24:50
your audience to some degree. And that comes into direct
24:54
conflict with my understanding of power and power exchange in
24:58
that if I don't have responsibility over somebody, or
25:01
if I don't have power over somebody and can't make choices
25:04
for them, then I don't have responsibility over them.
25:07
Like responsibility, power and controlling their willpower is
25:11
all tethered together. So if you take one of those out,
25:14
the whole thing falls apart. So I don't see how I'm
25:17
responsible for the actions of somebody that's listening to my
25:20
content. I'm so glad because I loved all
25:22
of that. I am curious about your thoughts
25:24
on this. I get personally frustrated when
25:27
people also want to use media like movies like Baby Girl
25:30
Secretary and 50 Shades of Grey and both point to how the Dom is
25:34
wrong. You're saying we're all just
25:36
figuring it out as we go. That goes for doms and Subs.
25:38
I hate this idea that the dominant automatically
25:41
inherently knows how to be a Dom and they're responsible for the
25:45
sub. While that's true in like the
25:48
rules of engagement playing together, the truth is you have
25:50
to understand both people are just figuring it out.
25:53
And it drives me insane when people act like, well, because
25:56
he's the Dom, he's automatically given this title to be in charge
26:01
of the person. And it's sort of like, that's
26:02
not the reality. This is an example of where I'm
26:04
not explaining it very well. But the truth is, as a sub, I
26:07
get a lot of heat on my comments about how sometimes it seems
26:11
like I'm taking the Dom side. And what I'm really trying to do
26:13
is empower the submissive to understand it is their
26:16
responsibility to help create the dynamic they want.
26:20
They do not hand over all power to the point that they need to
26:23
negotiate aftercare. I do believe that they need to
26:25
say, hey, this is the aftercare I need.
26:26
If you can't give it, I don't want to play with you.
26:28
And they also just have to realize the dynamic they're
26:30
looking for and ask the person they're playing with whether
26:33
we're not that aligns and it's not one sided.
26:36
So like, do you see that when you see Baby Girl or hear about
26:40
these movies? Do you ever get that feedback of
26:42
like 50 Shades ruined everything?
26:43
I don't think it did. I think it brings up important
26:46
conversation. What ruins things is the
26:48
perception that the Dom is all knowing and that you're handing
26:51
yourself over to a Dom. I think it sets people up for
26:54
failure and puts them in a dangerous position.
26:57
So that's the next topic I'm lobbing at you.
26:59
I would love your opinion on that.
27:01
Certainly I should have been taking notes because a lot of
27:04
thoughts came up. So First off on the
27:06
entertainment front, like let's just call it what it is,
27:08
entertainment. Yes.
27:09
And there's a reason why when you're watching ATV show or
27:13
something, you never see somebody take a shit or like do
27:15
the mundane things of life. It's because it's not
27:19
entertaining. And so like when you watch Dom
27:22
sub relationships in the media and they're not doing routine
27:26
negotiation and consent talks or whatever, it's like, yeah,
27:29
because that's boring. You know, that's not the meaty
27:32
stuff that we want to see. So I I give media, entertainment
27:36
media a lot of grace and leeway. I don't have very high
27:39
expectations for them. And I also try to frame it for
27:43
folks that are new to the scene. We call it a scene because it is
27:48
parroting a stage play scene. OK.
27:51
A lot of scenes will go by a three act structure and the
27:54
negotiation and the consent talks happen before anyone says
27:59
all right, action. And then the scene launches,
28:02
right. So like all of the boring stuff
28:05
is supposed to happen off camera before the film is rolling.
28:10
And so when you actually go to the movies and see DS dynamics,
28:13
you're seeing everything that happened after somebody called
28:16
action. So don't expect to see the
28:18
boring stuff. The second part of it, and you
28:21
brought up like Julieta Chiara had this video about, she said
28:26
like I'm not going to have any entitled Subs in my cohort or
28:30
coven or whatever. And so she is very forward about
28:34
submissive responsibility. And I really like that approach.
28:38
But I think that what is getting brought up, or at least what was
28:43
brought up for me, is that everything that we do exists
28:47
within context. And our relationship with
28:50
consenting power dynamic is a reflection of not just our
28:56
experience with non consenting power dynamics, but also what I
29:00
call obligatory power dynamics. These are the ones that you do
29:04
out of necessity and out of dependence, like your family,
29:07
your work, cultural, religion. You know, we do them and we call
29:11
them like I'm choosing my job and I'm choosing elements of my
29:15
lifestyle and everything. But the reality is we're
29:17
dependent on those things and we're it's not fully consenting.
29:22
It is this Gray area. Most people are only going to
29:25
have experience with obligatory and non consenting power
29:28
dynamics. This whole idea of consenting
29:31
power dynamics is quite revolutionary and it has been
29:36
this theory for centuries. I mean, if we go back to like
29:41
the inception of America, what was trying to be accomplished
29:45
with the Constitution? It was this wild theory of like,
29:47
what if we gave white men ultimate authority to do
29:51
whatever they wanted and practice whatever they wanted
29:54
and had free will, had consenting free will to do
29:57
whatever they wanted. What could be accomplished in
29:59
this novel land? And clearly things didn't work
30:02
out because they didn't give the consent to everybody.
30:05
It was still based on an oppressive structure, but it
30:08
wasn't the idea, this first idea that we bring consent to a
30:13
governmental institution. Circling back on the submissive
30:17
topic, when folks come in and are expecting their doms to do
30:21
everything and set up all of that framework, they're doing it
30:25
from the perspective of a patriarchal structure where
30:28
they're used to their boss giving them all the
30:30
instructions. And like, here's the framework
30:33
of how do you do your job or the father leading the family and
30:37
giving them the structure so they're used to it from the
30:40
obligatory framework. And then when you're put into a
30:43
fully consenting framework like Baby Doll, you are all on your
30:47
own. Like you have to show up 50, 50%
30:49
and really investigate what your free will is wanting of you.
30:55
Such a massive question that I never thought would be so
30:58
difficult. But for the folks that I mentor,
31:00
the first question I ever asked them in the program is what do
31:03
you want? And I swear, existential crises
31:06
like abound from that one question.
31:09
And it's particularly all of my clients right now are women,
31:12
only one of them straight, but they're coming from a
31:15
perspective that I don't have. Wait, all of your clients are
31:18
women and only one of them is straight Or only one of them is
31:20
not straight? Only one of them is straight.
31:23
All of your female clients are queer or yes, OK, Because all of
31:27
my clients right now, in the past, I've had more variety.
31:31
All of my clients are heterosexual, CIS, like CIS
31:34
hetero, all of them right now. So I think I had a moment of
31:37
like, wait, what? Our audiences are different or
31:40
our clients are different, which is I love that the right people
31:43
are finding us. Sorry, I just had to pause
31:45
because like, does he really mean that?
31:47
And you do OK, everyone. Yeah.
31:49
I mean, it's a coincidence. I don't have the statistics of
31:52
the longevity to say that that's like a real pattern.
31:54
It is what it is. But you know, I recognize that
31:57
they're coming from a different perspective than I am.
32:00
And therefore, often times when we open mentorship with just the
32:04
simple question of what do you want out of this, they crack
32:09
because they've never been able to actually consider that
32:11
before. They've never considered like,
32:14
what do you mean? I get to design A dynamic, I get
32:17
to design my whole future and I get to have whatever I want.
32:20
Like that's never been an option for me.
32:21
I've always come from this obligatory submissive space
32:25
where I am supposed to be agreeable and I'm supposed to
32:29
blend in and go along with whatever dad wanted or whatever
32:34
the current structure. Is.
32:35
How do you get them to start answering that question for
32:38
themselves? It's just a lot of time and
32:40
patience. And I try to reframe the
32:43
relationship with selfishness off of the pejorative.
32:47
And it brings up a lot of shame because in so many family
32:51
structures, the idea of thinking for oneself is tampered with
32:56
shame. Like how dare you have needs.
33:00
You know, the needs of the family are the priority.
33:03
And within the family structure, the needs of father are of the
33:06
highest priority. And so I just have to back off
33:10
with a lot of patience and they're going to fill out their
33:13
answer, they're going to come up with it.
33:14
And then I just continue to challenge them and what else and
33:17
what else and what else and what else.
33:18
You have to give them the space that they've never had before.
33:21
That's very true. I love that that is the work
33:23
you're doing because I know that's a deep and hard question
33:26
of what do you want? Especially in the context of a
33:29
dynamic where I think in my experience, a lot of people are
33:32
coming to it with this preconceived notion they're
33:34
never going to find what they want or it's very difficult.
33:36
And I'm not saying it's easy, but that that alone creates a
33:40
barrier of owning what you want because the fear steps in of.
33:44
But what if I can't get it? Then I've possibly failed.
33:46
Why did I even do this exercise in the 1st place?
33:48
Fear and shame. I don't know which one's worse,
33:51
but like the shame causes a lot of fear too, so I love that you
33:54
named that. Yeah, I mean, the predominant
33:56
culture is one of self abandonment, and it affects men
34:01
and women differently, but it's the experience we both have that
34:04
in order to survive childhood, it is in our best interest to
34:08
self abandon and just go with whatever the predestined
34:11
direction is. And then we go and develop all
34:15
these neuroses and whatever. And then at some point, for some
34:20
people earlier and some people later, we figure out we have to
34:22
put the pieces back together again.
34:24
And it's fascinating. My youngest client is 24, my
34:27
oldest is 56 coming off of a divorce.
34:30
So these are people that are like, you know, 24.
34:32
You got like a really good chance of living the life that
34:35
you want. 56, two kids later divorced because she's kinky
34:40
mentioned it to her husband and the husband was like yeah, I
34:43
can't support this can't so like.
34:45
That and asked for a divorce or can't support it and she
34:48
realized I needed it and she moved.
34:51
On Yeah, she loved the charge. She said.
34:52
I needed, you know, Pandora's out-of-the-box.
34:54
I can't put this back. So a lot of courage, like insane
34:58
courage to go out on her own and stay true to herself.
35:01
But just that loop in itself closes from the childhood.
35:07
Conditioning that to self abandoned is the one true way of
35:12
experiencing this world. That's such a good point.
35:15
Also, I do want to call out, I love that you had the courage to
35:17
leave for the people out there and I experienced this.
35:20
A lot of people don't want to bring it up because they imagine
35:22
worst case scenario of King, she did bring it up and she's the
35:25
one who chose to leave. It wasn't.
35:27
He found out and left and it's so rarely almost, I haven't had
35:32
it in my practice happen yet where someone brings it up and
35:34
the other person is like, I'm leaving.
35:35
It's usually like I can't do that.
35:37
And then you move on from there. But it's not an immediate like
35:40
you bring it up and the person just walks away.
35:43
I always like to point that out because I know what there's a
35:44
lot of fear around mentioning it at all.
35:46
Yeah. So a lot of the DMS I get, a lot
35:50
of the questions I get in the comments, a lot of the folks
35:53
that come to subspace, which you alluded to earlier, it's a
35:57
community support group that I host on Zoom every other Sunday
36:01
and it's free. So if you look me up on social
36:03
media, it's in my links. A lot of those folks are in that
36:06
position where their elder millennial or their Gen.
36:10
X and they're having their awakening in their 50s and 60s.
36:14
And then it's like, what the hell do I do with this?
36:18
And it's fascinating for me because I'm hearing this is
36:22
primarily heterosexual couples. I'm hearing the husband's
36:26
perspective and their liberal couples and the response from
36:31
the husband is I, I just could never hit you.
36:33
Like I could never spank you. I could never get a paddle.
36:36
I could never tie you up. I couldn't do that.
36:38
That would just go against everything that I've identified
36:41
myself with as a progressive person over the last, you know,
36:44
60 years or something. And that is a common Dom
36:48
experience for folks that I've talked to like getting over this
36:52
hurdle that there's two truths here.
36:53
You can impact somebody through pain and give them pleasure and
36:58
consent, whatever. That's the whole topic or
37:01
conversation. But there's an instinct in our
37:04
head to not hurt, you know, that we have to get over.
37:08
And that is an exercise that doesn't come naturally.
37:11
And the older you are, the harder it is to reverse that.
37:15
So yeah, it takes a lot of courage to be able to sit with
37:17
somebody that you've built an entire life with and had kids
37:20
with and say, but this isn't me. Yeah, it's all true.
37:24
I mean, I work a lot with dominant men also in that Gen.
37:27
X age range. Where they want it so bad and
37:31
they still have to go through that, unconditioning themselves
37:35
from having spent 60 years, like you've said, thinking, oh, I
37:38
can't do this, I can't do this, but they want it.
37:41
So if it's even hard for the people who want it, for the
37:43
people that's being introduced and they want to do it for their
37:45
partner, I imagine it's 10X of really pushing past the
37:49
limitations in your mind. Absolutely.
37:51
And you know, for anyone listening, I am a product of the
37:56
latter. I'm 39 and I didn't plan any of
37:59
this. I wasn't in kindergarten
38:00
thinking like, what do I want to be when I grow up?
38:02
You. Know.
38:03
Well, it would have been real weird if you answered that.
38:07
But my journey into this space was I was always just kinky and
38:11
I never thought about power exchange ever.
38:13
It wasn't something I ever investigated, but somebody that
38:15
I was playing with asked me and it was their curiosity.
38:20
I don't want to say pressure, but it did feel like a pressure
38:23
at the time that inspired me to investigate and learn more.
38:28
And the whole time I was going through research, I just kept
38:31
thinking like, oh, there's got to be more to this.
38:33
It's got to be way more complicated.
38:35
It can't be this simple. And I'm reading Anton Fullman's
38:37
books and watching Evie Lupine and just absorbing everything I
38:41
can and going to classes and everything.
38:43
And I think the most nerve wracking part for me in the
38:46
position that I do as a dominant and someone that exchanges ideas
38:50
is it actually is super damn simple.
38:53
But it's really hard to implement.
38:55
It's not crazy algebra. I'm not good at math anyway, but
38:59
it's not complex. I think anyone can do it.
39:02
Yeah. So I just wanted to like, be
39:04
clear for folks that are like, I don't have the natural skill set
39:07
to do it. No, you have everything you need
39:09
to do it. It's just a reorganization of
39:13
all the things that you've been led to believe.
39:16
I agree with that completely. I am a huge believer that you
39:19
just have to tap into that dominant energy.
39:22
It's there. It's about finding your path to
39:24
it. When you said it was brought up
39:26
to you and you felt a pressure, was it a pressure because you
39:29
thought it was going to be complicated?
39:30
Or can you tell me a little bit more about the pressure you
39:33
felt? Well, what immediately came up
39:35
was abandonment wounds, thinking that if I don't stand up to this
39:40
right now, this person will leave me.
39:42
I did something wrong. I'm not man enough.
39:44
All that self criticism. So yeah, my immediate go to is
39:48
rejection and then I have to check in with that.
39:51
Now, popular conversations around quote enthusiastic
39:54
consent. The conversations are typically
39:56
in regards to receiving enthusiastic consent and
40:00
checking in and revocable consents, so on and so forth.
40:04
But one of the things I really have to work on with people is
40:07
the enthusiastic consent. The individual has with
40:11
themselves and because I am a master at convincing myself to
40:17
do things that I don't want to do for better or worse, but I
40:21
often find myself in environments and social
40:24
situations are a big one where I'm standing there go I don't
40:27
consent to this. How did I get here?
40:28
Like what? What the hell happened here?
40:31
Like, I just blinked and all of a sudden I'm in this
40:33
uncomfortable situation that I knew was going to be like this.
40:36
And the fact of the matter is, I believe consent is a muscle.
40:40
I think it's an exercise. I think it's something to be
40:42
strengthened and worked on. And due to the circumstances in
40:46
which I grew up, I was taught and conditioned to forgo my
40:52
consent, in which case I did not have any opportunity to be
40:55
enthusiastic about it. But as my nervous system learns
41:00
to regulate around my own consent and free will, I can
41:04
better identify what enthusiastic consent for me
41:08
feels like. And with that as a measurement,
41:12
I am much better at witnessing it in other people and
41:16
communicating it as well. That makes a ton kind of sense.
41:19
I know there's online discourse about enthusiastic consent and
41:24
whether you can expect that from your submissive or the person
41:27
you're playing with it. Does that mean that like your
41:30
consent can be not enthusiastic but it's real?
41:33
Or do you need real enthusiastic consent for yourself?
41:36
Like what's your barrier now? Are you still showing up to
41:38
these social situations where you're like, fuck, I didn't
41:41
agree to this? It sounds like you didn't allow
41:43
yourself to play the tape and make a decision of whether or
41:46
not you wanted to be there. You just went for it and you're
41:49
like, fuck, I'm here. Yeah, it's an interesting
41:51
question. Like, enthusiastic consent is a
41:54
really, really shitty brand move, like terrible marketing.
41:59
It's just vague, right? And that's where a lot of the
42:02
disagreements happen, is when things are too vague and
42:05
enthusiasm is going to look different for everybody.
42:07
So like, what are we even talking about here?
42:09
But it gets down to this question of where does consent
42:13
actually live? Like is it in the words that I
42:15
speak when I say yes to something or is it in my mind?
42:19
Because those can be two different things.
42:21
And then OK, it's probably in my mind over my voice, but inside
42:25
my mind, is that the only voice in my mind?
42:28
No, I'm a big proponent of doing like IFS work, internal family
42:32
systems, and I would expand it out to like an entire internal
42:36
Congress or town hall. I believe that there's thousands
42:39
of voices with different opinions and different votes in
42:42
my head. So when I say consent, it's like
42:45
some of them are saying yes, and a whole lot of them are saying
42:47
no, and a whole lot of them are saying maybe some of them like,
42:49
who knows what they're saying? So where does my consent
42:52
actually live? And again, getting back to like
42:56
the birth of America kind of conversation.
42:59
And this is where I identify as a king theorist.
43:02
Like, I'm not going to say that there's a real answer here, but
43:04
these are questions worth asking and starting to explore.
43:07
And I love being in this community because we're the ones
43:10
doing like this could have been the job for the federal
43:15
government. It could have been the job for
43:17
Christianity or any of these other institutions, but the
43:20
freaky people sticking stuff up each other's butts, we're the
43:23
ones that are actually investigating this and moving it
43:26
forward. Yeah, I do have an answer of
43:28
where my consent comes from, though.
43:30
It's in my gut. When I was thinking about it, I
43:32
was like, I do not consult the voices in my head at all.
43:35
They're there. I'm not saying that it doesn't
43:38
get me in the exact same situations you're describing
43:40
where I wake up and I'm like, holy shit, I've just moved 3000
43:43
miles away and did I really think it through?
43:46
No, I did not. But my gut said go and I go with
43:49
it. I love that you described it the
43:51
way you did because to your point, consent lives in
43:54
different places for different people, I think, but we all
43:58
require it to be verbalized. And that's the hard part because
44:01
no matter what, the responsibility is on you and the
44:04
responsibility is on me for our mouth to say what we actually
44:07
mean and to do those internal check insurance wherever they
44:10
are. You know, to go to your head.
44:12
I know to talk to your Congress or however many people you need
44:15
to. And I know to check in my solar
44:17
plexus area of like, does it feel positive or negative here
44:21
when I think about this outcome? And that's just something I
44:23
wanted to shout out because for me, I don't go to my head, not
44:27
saying that's right. It's just my version and I'm not
44:29
saying yours is wrong. Yeah, certainly the body knows
44:32
first. I don't know the exact
44:34
statistic, but I do know that like the reptilian brain reacts
44:39
and sends the signals to your body before like a split
44:42
millisecond before it sends to your cerebellum and prefrontal.
44:46
And so yeah, your nervous system is a great check in.
44:49
But something I wanted to bring up to your earlier question of
44:52
like, how do I engage in enthusiastic consent?
44:55
How do I practice it? To be honest, I don't think
44:58
about it in those terms at all. And I don't really label consent
45:02
in specific schools of thought as much as I do believe that as
45:09
a dominant player, my role as a dominant begins well before I am
45:15
the dominant player. And so I recognize that I'm
45:19
being clocked and judged like from the second we make eye
45:23
contact and from that moment until either we do a play scene
45:29
or it gets into a dynamic or whatever, it is on me to set up
45:35
conditions in which I am constantly providing trials for
45:40
consent to be either given or taken away.
45:44
In that case, it's in my best interest to be very, very
45:48
proactive about things that I already know are going to come
45:51
up in any scene or dynamic situation.
45:55
Like at the end of my vetting process.
45:56
And this is just replacing, if we're just play partners and I'm
45:59
vetting, I'm going to go pick them up.
46:00
We're going to go to the clinic and we're going to get tested
46:02
together. I need to see them walk through
46:04
the door. And this is to remedy my anxiety
46:07
because I'm neurotic. But like I need ultimate
46:09
clarity. And therefore, not only is it to
46:13
benefit me and my understanding, but it is also to provide the
46:19
other player with the faith and the reassurance that I am
46:24
considering the anxieties that they're probably having but are
46:28
too afraid to ask. Because one thing I've noticed
46:30
about this culture is SDI checking is kind of done
46:34
haphazardly. It's not like part of a codified
46:38
cultural event in the way that I make it into ritual.
46:42
And so I know it'll come up. I know that they'll probably
46:45
ask. I know that they'll look for
46:46
screenshots or whatever, but I'm paranoid enough that I don't
46:50
want to see screenshots. I want to walk into the clinic
46:52
together. I want that absolute trust and
46:56
reassurance because I want to be able to walk into a scene in
47:01
full confidence. I don't want to have any hanging
47:04
lingering questions of we didn't cross IS and we didn't cross
47:07
T's. And therefore coming back to the
47:09
consent thing is that through all of these trials, I am making
47:15
a case for consent. I'm making a case for this is
47:19
something that you can trust in. This is something that you can
47:22
consent in and doesn't always go in my favor.
47:25
Sometimes we go through those processes and they go, hey, you
47:27
know, this isn't my style where I'm out.
47:29
And that is still the framework working because if it's not a
47:34
fully consenting arrangement, then I want them to pull out
47:37
before. Yeah.
47:38
So for me, consent in my practice is like 80% done before
47:43
we even do anything. And then the rest from like when
47:48
a scene starts, when a dynamic starts, whatever is just
47:50
maintenance after. That that makes a ton of sense.
47:53
It is sparking a couple of personal questions that I am
47:56
going to ask you, but you do not have to answer.
47:58
You just say pass. Are all of your partners now in
48:00
your life? If they're in your life, It's
48:02
also through a kink context. It sounds like it's not just you
48:06
don't have vanilla partners, is what I gathered or put pieced
48:09
together from the way you just described that if it's any type
48:13
of kink. OK.
48:13
Do you do pick up play like at a party?
48:16
Do you go to parties? No, you know, I reached out to
48:19
you because I loved your podcast with your partners partner who's
48:23
describing like the social anxiety of large environments.
48:26
And I was just like, oh, thank God somebody said it.
48:29
Like I just thank God I. Comment him very much.
48:32
He says the things that even I'm like, I don't say some stuff,
48:35
but he has the benefit of also being faceless and I think that
48:38
helped him just say whatever he was thinking.
48:40
But yes, someone said it. I understood it.
48:43
So you relate to that. Yeah, I try to submit to my
48:47
desire. I try not to design my own
48:49
desire and I just try to listen to what those voices are and for
48:54
me in order to do headspace and get what I want out of it and
48:58
everything. The hardest thing is to suspend
49:00
the disbelief that this is quote UN quote real life or trips, not
49:07
my real name. So my government name, that
49:09
persons life, and I am trying to get into the headspace where my
49:13
dominant character is the reality and anything that is too
49:17
fantastical or out of the ordinary distracts me from that.
49:21
So I have a really hard time at dungeons, I have a really hard
49:24
time at play parties because the environment and the context are
49:28
abnormal to what's convincing to me.
49:31
It feels too contrived and I like going as a social
49:35
experience, but it's not something that I want to play
49:38
in. Yeah.
49:39
No that answers it perfectly and I can like when I go to these
49:41
parties that I met my Dom at. I've been going for a long time.
49:44
Before I met him I didn't play publicly because I wanted a
49:48
connection with someone. I wanted to go back to the room
49:51
and play. And for context, I think people
49:52
know this but I'm not talking about sex, I'm literally just
49:54
talking about being spanked. But for me it's sort of similar.
49:57
Being in that environment took me out of the fantasy I wanted
50:01
to get lost in to fully enjoy and also the connection I was
50:05
looking for with whoever I chose to play with.
50:07
I do do pick up play, but in a much more private setting.
50:10
Pick up play, going to a party like this, meeting someone for
50:13
the first time, doing some quick vetting and then going to have
50:15
that private scene. All of that makes total sense.
50:18
But the question I ask a lot of people who live our lifestyle is
50:22
how do you meet people then? Well, you start a TikTok and.
50:27
Publicly put your faith out there.
50:29
No, actually I haven't. I've never met anybody off a
50:31
TikTok or Instagram. I've mostly met people off vet
50:34
life and field, friends of friends, you know, just general
50:37
social events. I'm not as unity forward I think
50:42
as one might expect or think. Again, like I had mentioned that
50:47
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and social experiences are
50:51
a lot on my nervous system. But I didn't know that that's
50:55
what it was until very recently. And so I self medicated with
51:00
alcohol and drugs for 20 years. And then I had to go through
51:05
that whole process and unpack all of that trauma and childhood
51:09
stuff or whatever. And then come around to not just
51:13
a physical sobriety of not drinking anymore, but working on
51:16
an emotional sobriety of family stuff and all these kinds of
51:19
things. Just to get to a point where a
51:22
psychiatrist has enough vision of the landscape to go, yeah, I
51:26
think you have ADHD. Here's the test.
51:28
And so I'm taking in all that information now.
51:31
It's starting to see the truth of my own life and how I show up
51:34
and don't show up in different environments.
51:36
And so I'm kind of grieving, you know, in a sense, the last 39
51:39
years, it doesn't feel authentic.
51:41
Yeah, right. Because I have this lacking so
51:42
much information. So will that change over the
51:45
next decade? You know, possibly.
51:47
It could and it doesn't have to. There's something I would say
51:49
about the community. I've had this rule since the
51:51
beginning that I try and impart on people to enjoy kink.
51:54
You don't have to be involved in the community.
51:56
My only request is that you don't disparage the community.
51:59
I don't want you talking shit on the community because so many
52:01
people find what they need from it, but don't let anyone ever
52:04
tell you you're not a real kingster.
52:06
This is not for your trip, but don't let anyone tell you're not
52:08
a real kingster if you're not going to the parties.
52:10
If you're not involved in your local community, you can educate
52:13
on your own, you just have extra responsibility of knowing you
52:16
might have blind spots and you have to go looking for those.
52:19
But other than that, until I found spanking parties and
52:22
something that aligned fully with my fetish, I wasn't really
52:25
involved in the community either except for the social aspect of
52:28
it sometimes because it was like, at least they understand
52:30
kink, you know? I think a lot of people do
52:33
expect creators to like live and breathe it every single day, and
52:37
kink can look so many different ways, and I think that we're out
52:39
here showing that. Yeah, if you're going to make
52:41
content or work in this industry in any capacity, you have to
52:45
make the decision of what's going to be my private life and
52:48
what's going to be public. And I could present all of it.
52:52
I'll talk about my personal experiences and I know that's
52:56
stuff people think their teeth into, but at the same time is I
53:00
really want my experiences with with partners to be special.
53:05
If it's everywhere, then there's no separation between work and
53:09
my personal life. There's no separation between
53:11
church and state. And then like there's nothing
53:13
that makes that special. And I have to make up that
53:17
boundary at every crossroads. I will share some pretty
53:20
intimate stuff and then somebody will ask me a question about it.
53:23
And I'm like, hard boundary. Nope, we're shutting this down.
53:26
And you just have to navigate that according to the consent
53:29
and your gut. So, Tripp, if I wanted to, Well,
53:32
I know where you are, but where? Where can everyone find you?
53:34
Sure, so trip terrier on TikTok, Instagram and threads.
53:41
Trip terrier on fetlife. I again am not super active in
53:44
my community because I work a lot but I'm a bad kingster.
53:48
But I try to be available to answer people's questions when I
53:52
have the capacity for it. And if you are new or
53:56
experienced, I invite everyone to come check out subspace
53:59
again. It is a community of folks that
54:01
hold space for each other and support each other where we meet
54:03
every other Sunday at 7:00 PM Eastern.
54:07
And the sign up link is going to be Lincoln Bio on my Instagram
54:09
or TikTok. It's completely free.
54:11
Just come by and hang out and listen.
54:13
You don't have to participate if you don't want.
54:14
To, as I said, a speaker at one of those.
54:16
So sometimes you bring other people in to speak about their
54:18
experience too. So it's like a learning
54:20
opportunity without the fear of the algorithm getting angry at
54:25
you. So it's very open conversation
54:27
and I really enjoyed that. Yeah, and thank you for doing
54:29
that. There's not a great bridge
54:32
between the anonymity of social media and the in person kink
54:38
world or even like fat life, I guess is somewhere in between
54:40
there. And so when I was doing subspace
54:43
or organizing it, a lot of people wanted it to be a
54:46
discord. And I tried to discord before,
54:48
but the difference it makes to be able to hear somebody's voice
54:51
and see them if they have their camera on is so much more
54:55
intimate. And you know, we're lacking
54:57
third spaces and this is a superficial third space, but it
55:00
is getting us off the anonymity and just being seen as a
55:05
kingster. It's such a big deal.
55:07
And so healing. So like, that's the kind of
55:08
intimacy that I want to promote for folks that don't have access
55:11
to. It I would highly recommend it.
55:13
I've attended at the group, it's fantastic.
55:16
It was all women. All of your mentees are women as
55:19
well. Is that by design?
55:22
I just want to be clear, is this just for submissive women this
55:24
group? It's not.
55:26
I say it's for submissives and switches.
55:28
People don't usually come out and identify, so I don't know
55:30
who's a submissive and I don't know who's a switch.
55:32
And I just kind of make my content immediately as soon as I
55:36
start uploading it. My following was 95% women and I
55:40
don't know how to talk to guys. I know that's OK.
55:44
I think that again, there is a community gap between this
55:48
massive influx of interest coming from the smart books into
55:55
the kink world. And I think in some kink spaces,
55:59
they see that social media kink as illegitimate or not to be
56:03
taken seriously. And my perspective is they're
56:07
coming whether we like it or not.
56:08
The awakening is happening and it's our choice to welcome them
56:11
at the door or not. And in my earlier life, I was a
56:14
journalist and it just reminded me a lot of the way that
56:18
underground house and techno treated EDM when that was really
56:21
big in 2012. Well, a lot of those EDM kids
56:24
ended up being prolific underground house and techno
56:27
DJ's. With enough time, I see the
56:29
pipeline of how these things are going to open up and I would
56:32
rather be a bridge and welcome them in and make sure that they
56:35
have A and space and be called a TikTok Dom, whatever that's
56:39
important and that's fine. But I feel responsibility and
56:44
obligation as someone who's going to identify as a dominant
56:48
and a leader, to actually espouse those qualities, not
56:51
just in my personal life but online also.
56:54
That makes a ton of sense and what you described I'm aligned
56:56
with because I am very against the old guard.
56:59
And one of my first things that made me make a TikTok was I
57:02
hated being introduced to the king community when I was in my
57:05
mid 20s in New York City. And I came up a lot against the
57:08
old guard who told me it could only be one way and it had to be
57:11
XYZ. And the further down the road I
57:14
got in kink, the more I realized what a lie that was.
57:17
And maybe that was true for them at a time, but it's no longer
57:19
the reality. So them trying to keep it that
57:22
way is potentially harming exactly what you're trying to
57:25
embrace right now. Welcoming everyone so that we
57:27
have better conversations. It's more open and everyone's a
57:29
lot more aware because they don't feel they have to hide
57:32
from what the old guard said is important.
57:35
Wow, now that was my soapbox moment.
57:37
Especially for the young people out there that are teens and
57:40
20s, you have such an incredible opportunity to carve this path
57:46
and like actually direct the ship.
57:49
Kink is not that old or like BDSM as an American institution
57:53
is not that old. Kink is not that old Here.
57:56
People will quote, there was hieroglyphs or something in
57:58
Pompeii of people whipping each other, whatever.
58:01
But the fact is they didn't see that as kink back then.
58:05
Kink is a relational practice as a reflection of a Western
58:10
Puritan culture, and we are an aberrant by design relative to
58:15
Puritanism. And in that lens, that is very
58:19
new. So if you're getting into the
58:22
community and you're trying to find your space and you're
58:25
trying to assimilate, you have a lot of room to carve your own
58:29
path and do whatever you want. The whole idea of a one true way
58:32
or an old guard, it's like the culture's not old enough to eat,
58:36
then necessitate an old guard. The whole thing is nice, you
58:39
know. That's such a good point, the
58:41
whole thing is new. The way I always thought of it
58:44
though was like the 80s were a rough time and this group of
58:47
people banded together and solidified and what kept them
58:49
safe at the time was being like it can only be this way but
58:52
that's not the world we're living in anymore.
58:54
The world moves faster than that.
58:56
So you're right though, this idea that there's an old guard
58:58
and we're talking about from the 80s or the 70s is semi
59:02
ridiculous. I was born in the 80s too much.
59:06
Wait, what trip? It has been an absolute pleasure
59:09
having you on. I have loved talking to you
59:10
today. You've definitely made an
59:12
impression, not just on this podcast, but through the work
59:14
you're doing, and I'm so excited to follow along as you grow your
59:17
online presence and including all of your mentorships and
59:21
stuff. It's been a lot of fun.
59:23
Well, thank you so much for the kind words and everything you do
59:26
and giving people space to express themselves in a more
59:29
deep format, because you're right, social media clips kind
59:32
of just don't really do it justice.
59:34
Sadly, no. If you enjoyed this episode,
59:38
don't forget to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with
59:40
anyone who might find it interesting.
59:42
And if you have any questions or topics you'd like me to cover in
59:45
future episodes, feel free to reach out. e-mail
59:47
info@thekingconsultant.com. Until next time, keep on kinking
59:52
on.