Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / E 344: Tammy's Take #32: How To Change the Story Your Mind is Telling You

Transcript

E 344: Tammy's Take #32: How To Change the Story Your Mind is Telling You · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:02
  Well, hello everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Tammy's Takes.
• 0:05
  Today I wanna talk about something that I think has the power to completely change the way you see yourself.
• 0:11
  I recently sat down with therapist Aaron Gilbert, and he used a phrase that immediately caught my attention.
• 0:16
  He called it your default story, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it, honestly.
• 0:21
  Because the truth is, most of us aren't living our lives based on facts, period.
• 0:27
  We're living our lives based on stories, stories we learned when we were way too young to question them.
• 0:34
  If you grew up in dysfunction, if you grew up walking on eggshells, if love felt conditional, if you had to become who everyone else wanted you to be just to survive, those experiences became your default story.
• 0:46
  Maybe your story sounds something like this, and let me know if this sounds familiar.
• 0:50
  "I'm not enough.
• 0:51
  I have to make everyone happy.
• 0:52
  I'm too much.
• 0:53
  I can't trust anyone.
• 0:55
  If people knew me, they wouldn't love me."
• 0:58
  The list goes on and on of the things that I said to myself, but the problem is, those weren't facts.
• 1:04
  They're conclusions, conclusions your younger self came to while trying to survive.
• 1:09
  And what was so powerful about what Aaron's message was this: just because you always believed something, it doesn't make it true.
• 1:19
  I'm going to repeat that.
• 1:21
  Just because you've always believed something doesn't make it true.
• 1:26
  So today, I wanna give you a simple framework that you can start using immediately.
• 1:30
  I call it my STORY method.
• 1:32
  You know, if you've listened to my podcast, if you've listened to Tammy's Takes, you know that I always have a method.
• 1:37
  I always have a strategy.
• 1:38
  I always have something simple that you can put into place that you can use right here, right now.
• 1:43
  So this is the STORY method.
• 1:45
  S, spot the story.
• 1:47
  The next time you get triggered, I want you to pause.
• 1:50
  I want you to listen to the first sentence that pops into your head.
• 1:53
  If that message or sentence is, "I failed," "I'm not good enough," "They're going to leave me," "I always mess things up," I don't want you to argue with it.
• 2:02
  I don't judge it.
• 2:03
  I just simply want you to notice it, because awareness is always, always the first step towards healing.
• 2:10
  Number two, T, trace it back.
• 2:14
  Now I want you to ask yourself, where did I learn this?
• 2:16
  Who made me believe this about myself?
• 2:18
  Was it your parent?
• 2:19
  Was it your teacher?
• 2:20
  Was it a coach?
• 2:21
  Was it a relationship?
• 2:22
  Was it a bully?
• 2:24
  Who was it?
• 2:25
  Or maybe possibly, maybe you were just simply trying to make sense of a childhood that didn't feel safe.
• 2:31
  But I want you to remember, children don't blame their parents.
• 2:36
  Children blame themselves.
• 2:37
  They internalize absolutely everything, because believing that you're the problem as a child feels safer than believing that the people who are supposed to protect you can't.
• 2:48
  So number three, observe with curiosity.
• 2:51
  This is the O.
• 2:53
  This is one of my favorite parts.
• 2:54
  Instead of criticizing yourself, get curious.
• 2:57
  Just ask yourself, is this actually true?
• 3:00
  What evidence do I have?
• 3:01
  Find evidence to support this.
• 3:04
  Would I ever even say this to someone I love?
• 3:06
  These are the questions you have to start asking yourselves, because curiosity creates space, and healing in that space is where it happens.
• 3:15
  Healing happens in that space of curiosity.
• 3:18
  I think you've probably heard me say it 1,000 times if you've listened to my podcast.
• 3:22
  Curiosity softens everything.
• 3:25
  So that is the O.
• 3:27
  R, replace it with reality.
• 3:30
  Notice I didn't say replace it with positive thinking.
• 3:34
  I said replace it with a reality.
• 3:36
  So instead of saying, "I'm a failure," maybe try saying, "Man, I've struggled with this before, and I've gotten through it every single one of those hard days, so I'm not a failure."
• 3:47
  Instead of saying, "Nobody loves me," try saying, "I'm learning how to build healthier relationships."
• 3:53
  Healing isn't about lying to yourself.
• 3:56
  It's about telling yourself the truth.
• 3:59
  Think about that.
• 4:00
  It definitely is.
• 4:02
  So challenge those statements that you make to yourself.
• 4:05
  And this fifth step, which is why, is your next choice.
• 4:10
  So this is where your future changes.
• 4:12
  Not because the bad thought suddenly disappears or you never have them again, because that would be unrealistic, but because you make a different decision.
• 4:21
  Maybe today, just maybe, you start talking kindly to yourself.
• 4:26
  Maybe today you set a boundary and you stop people-pleasing, and you give yourself what you want.
• 4:31
  Maybe, just maybe, and bear with me here, guys, you finally rest without feeling guilty.
• 4:38
  Because every single healthy choice you make begins with writing a new story.
• 4:44
  I used to say that I felt like, my story was being written, that somebody was writing a book about me, and I wasn't freaking holding the pen.
• 4:53
  I wasn't the one writing the story.
• 4:55
  Everybody else was writing the story, and it's time, guys, that you start to write your own story.
• 5:00
  Because this is something I want you to remember, and I want you to let this travel with you throughout the day.
• 5:06
  The story that you learned isn't necessarily the story that's true.
• 5:11
  You were born worthy.
• 5:12
  You were born lovable.
• 5:13
  You were born enough.
• 5:15
  Life might have convinced you otherwise.
• 5:17
  My, one of my favorite sayings is you were born this beautiful, divine, joyous, amazing creature, and then life lifed on you.
• 5:24
  Life convinced you otherwise, but it's not the truth.
• 5:28
  So I want you to start healing, because healing is a process of remembering who you were before the world told you who you had to be.
• 5:36
  So if this message resonated with you, I highly encourage you to go back and listen to the full episode with therapist Aaron Gilbert.
• 5:43
  He is absolutely amazing.
• 5:44
  In that conversation, we dive much deeper into the idea of your default story, why we repeat old patterns, and how healing really begins.
• 5:53
  And if you're wondering what your own default story is, or if you're tired of living by beliefs that no longer serve you, I would love to help you.
• 6:00
  I offer a complimentary c- clarity and calm call where we can explore the patterns keeping you stuck and create practical steps towards building a life that's based on truth and not survival, my friends.
• 6:12
  So find the link in the show notes, but until next time, remember this: you are not the story that happened to you.
• 6:20
  You are the author of the story you choose to write next.
• 6:24
  So have a beautiful week, and guys, pick up the pen and write the ending to your own story.
• 6:30
  Don't let someone else write it for you.
• 6:32
  You are so much more worthy than that, I promise you.
• 6:35
  Have a blessed day, and we will see you back next week.