Latest / Libido Lounge / She Used Fantasy to Finish. Here's How She Stopped with Sharon Marie Scott

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She Used Fantasy to Finish. Here's How She Stopped with Sharon Marie Scott · Libido Lounge

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The thing that was holding me back from orgasm was not my body, but it was my mind.
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Sharon Marie Scott is an author, erotic mystic, and respected voice in kink, BDSM, and
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alternative lifestyle communities where she has spent nearly two decades exploring the
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intersections of desire, consent, psychology, and spiritual growth.
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Her forthcoming book, Transmuting Taboo into Erotic Medicine, traces her journey from early
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erotic shame to erotic sovereignty.
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She offers a nuanced look at how taboo exploration, somatic awareness, and self
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devotion can catalyze profound personal transformation.
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She's also the creator of the personal renaissance, a broader cultural initiative that
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reframes pleasure as a form of psychological intelligence and emotional well-being.
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Maybe my climax can come from just pure pleasure.
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When people start to hold their breath, other in in some sort of form of pleasure, that it's
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it's actually kind of a trauma response.
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And so we created these non non penis and vagina nights on Wednesdays.
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My nervous system, like, realized it was safe and it unwound really quickly, that pattern
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that had begun.
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Imagine just getting to talk about some sexy fantasy and and then letting it sit in the air
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and like having your partner say, wow, I loved hearing that, Tell me more.
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Hey, everybody.
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Welcome to another episode of the Libido Lounge.
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I'm your host, doctor Diane, and I am so excited to bring on Sharon Marie today because
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we are talking about taboo.
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And we're gonna weave in conversations around shame.
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We're also gonna weave in conversations that I think are so important around people that need
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taboo to orgasm.
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And while there's not a problem with that, we really want to expand and help you expand
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beyond this.
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Right?
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There's so many different ways we can experience pleasure, and I wanted to talk to
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Sharon Marie today because she is an expert in these areas.
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So thank you so much for spending time with me, Sharon Marie.
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It's such a joy to have you on the lounge.
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Thanks, doctor Diane.
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Yeah.
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It's such a it's such an honor to be here and to get to talk about these things that once
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were never spoken about aloud.
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So, yeah, I'm all for it.
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Yeah.
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Breaking the taboo in every way in these conversations.
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So I wanna hear first some, if you would, about your story.
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I think stories are so relatable for so many people, and you we've talked a little bit
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offline about your own journey with taboo and about how you used taboo mainly as a way to
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orgasm, and then you were able to expand beyond that.
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And I think if anybody is listening to this, I wanna hear this story if anybody's listening
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and they're like, well, I don't know if I have a taboo.
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One, we can talk about taboos as well because a lot of people I think have tab you know, are
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into taboos or fetishes and don't even realize that they are.
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And two, I think the other thing that I would encourage our listeners to do here is even if
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you're like, well, this maybe doesn't apply to me because maybe I don't have a taboo or a
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fetish, still listen to this because I think it's important this the answer in understanding
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how to grow your orgasmic potential and how to grow the different ways that you can experience
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pleasure in orgasm.
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So I just encourage our listeners to listen from that frame, and please go ahead.
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I would love to hear your story.
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Yeah.
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With regards to fantasy.
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So, you know, fantasy was a requirement for me once I became a sexually available adult in
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order to orgasm.
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And the reason that happened is because I experienced some traumatic events in my
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childhood of sexual abuse and incest.
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And it wasn't that the experiences themselves that that my five and six year old body
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experienced, they weren't violent, and they weren't they weren't they weren't traumatic in
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the traditional sense that you might think.
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But they were I was I was trained and modeled and conditioned to see my pleasure and my
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body's arousal as something that was dangerous.
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Because if I talked about it, then, you know, then everyone would get in trouble.
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And so it can it it imprinted on me that I would either be punished for for if anybody
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found out that I had been in my pleasure or that I would be abandoned.
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And so it was a very real risk to this young five and six year old.
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And so as I became older and a sexually available adult and my my my, you know, adult
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version of my sexuality came online, as my body would get aroused, it would shut down.
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And so for me to even sustain my own arousal and enjoyment, you know, I I often had to use
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fantasy.
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And my fantasies, just because of the nature of the the inappropriate touch that I had, you
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know, were taboo fantasies and often ones of, like, imbalance of power dynamics and stuff
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like that.
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So once I sort of, like, realized that not everybody does this, and this might be
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something that, you know, I have an opportunity to all to change if I wanted to.
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It actually didn't take very long.
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It's a surprisingly simple technique for disconnecting fantasy to climax.
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And the way I did it was to self pleasure like I normally would with the fantasy.
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And then for the first time, it was literally just as I was orgasming, I would cease the
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fantasy and focus directly into my body and it and the body's sensations, especially from the
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inside out.
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And then incrementally, every time I went to self pleasure again, I I expanded or increased
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the time in which I cut the fantasy off.
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So each time I cut the fantasy off earlier, and earlier, but more importantly, focused on the
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physical sensation, and over time, I was able to completely unlink the fantasy altogether
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from the climax, and be completely in my body and its pleasure without having to, like,
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justify it or having to use these, you know, taboo images in order to keep the arousal.
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It's thank you so much for sharing that.
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And you've something you said a couple times in this discussion I really wanna come back to,
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which is in your body.
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So in your experience, like, when is that something that if people are not even, say,
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aware that they're doing this every time, like, far as, like, fantasizing and and using that as
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a reason.
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I do think people are aware a lot of times, but sometimes we don't even realize how often it's
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happening.
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Is this signal, is this a signal that people should watch out for of not being able to enjoy
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pleasure in their body and feel the sensations?
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Because it sounds to me like that for you is like, okay, while you're orgasming the
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sensations, you were more in your head than actually feeling the pleasure in your body.
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Is that correct?
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Yeah, I would say that is correct because you know, part of the taboo that of my history is I
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the very first night I was ever in submission to a dominant, and I remember he was outlining,
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like, how the scene would play out, and he told me that if I thought I was gonna climax, that I
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needed to ask for his permission.
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And I remember thinking, whatever, dude.
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Right?
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Because, like, I only had one orgasm at that time.
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It was really hard to reach.
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And once I had it, I was done.
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But in the context of just this play that we did, and actually there was no genital touch
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during the the play or the evening that we were in service to each other.
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And he and I I remember chickening out like I wanted to ask him once if I could orgasm, and I
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didn't.
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I got I chickened out.
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And then it by the end, I got brave, and I asked, and he told me no.
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And but what I realized about that was there was no genital touch.
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And so I finally realized that the thing that was holding me back from orgasm was not my
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body, but it was my mind.
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And so that was, like, those were the big revelations that I could put together to say,
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oh, maybe there's something to examine here.
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You know, when I go into fantasy, I'm dissociating from my body.
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And maybe there's a journey back into the body.
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And maybe maybe my climax can come from just pure pleasure.
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And I didn't really even know, you know, what that truly meant at the time.
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Yeah.
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And I think there's, you know, there's this is so common.
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I I talk a lot of my work around, like, big S and little s shame.
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I think that we talk a lot in psychology around, like, big T and little t trauma, but I
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see the same thing in shame around just, like, it can be these very small things that make us
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dissociate with our from our body.
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I think this is where it's like, okay, well whether we're talking fantasy or anything, it's
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any of these dissociative types of things.
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Like do you see, I guess my question is do you see that this kind of this technique, have you
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worked with people in using this technique around like, okay, let's stop the fantasy just
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before, you know, just as you're climaxing and then back it up and back it up and back it up
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like you're describing, which I love?
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Have you used this at all with people in ways where maybe they are checking out and they're
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it's not necessarily due to being hooked on a fantasy.
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They just like can't stay present with sex.
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Yeah.
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In fact, and I'll actually speak to lovers as well, like, right?
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So I'll I'll watch their breath, and when you get into, like, the Kink community and you get
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into playing and topping, like, you if you're if you're really interested in the it as an art
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like I am, you you pay attention to, like, what's happening with people's breath and
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what's happening with their eyes and their body language.
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And, you know, when people it's my experience that when people start to hold their breath,
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other in in some sort of form of pleasure, that it's it's actually kind of a trauma response.
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Because I had another healer that told me that we hold our breath when we're afraid of what
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the next moment will bring.
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And those two Mhmm.
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Those two things actually make sense in the context of the sexual arousal too, that we're
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holding our breath because it feels good or we're bracing against what might be coming
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next.
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And because of, like, you know, in being a woman, you know, so many of us have this
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background in trauma when it comes to bedroom play.
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You know, there's no surprise in in that association being made.
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And so, yeah.
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So more I would say more so, I watched the breath.
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And when people are forgetting to breathe, that that's that's like a a wonderful first reach
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for trying to get further get deeper into the body and get more in touch with your own
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pleasure, your own physical pleasure.
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Okay.
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So then when I love that.
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And so when somebody is trying these things, and let's say they're trying initially all this
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stuff with themselves and really working with their own bodies in the way you've described,
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is there like a trans a transition to then how this comes in with a partner?
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Because I think for some people, there you know, sometimes it's like, okay, well, being
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with another person can also be like it it can be a different experience, and that could re
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bring up the memory of the events and all of that.
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So even if we have, like like, mastered this in our solo play, is there a different kinda step
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in how you bring this to, like, partner play?
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I would say that bringing it to partner play is actually even gentler, I think, in the process
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of unwinding that than without it.
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And and, of course, you know, the depth of that and the the efficacy of that depends on the
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partner you're playing with.
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How attuned are they to what's happening in your body?
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Are they able to watch your breath?
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You know, you you there are some signs that we can give people just that are sort of common,
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like the holding of the breath the breath, the tensing of the body.
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And but but we really have to to to take accountability for that.
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Like, we really have to be the ones to start noticing where is my attention and energy being
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drawn.
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Is it within?
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Is am I tuned in into the presence of the person that I'm playing with?
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Like, I think that, you know, the I I tend to approach these things from the what I call the
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bottom of the Jenga Tower.
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So rather than going to the top of the Jenga Tower and kind of kicking off the top blocks of
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coping mechanisms mechanisms that have been developed, I go right to the bottom and say,
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okay, breath, presence, attunement, how present are you with the person that's that's in front
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of you?
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And then and how much are you able to communicate, you know, clearly to them where
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you are in the process of your own arousal?
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So I would I would go right to the tackling of it myself and and slow everything down.
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And maybe even like something my husband and I did for many years was we had a no PIV date
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every week.
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So because I was having actually trauma response, trauma memories from the childhood.
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And so it it got so bad that it was even when he went to just approach and kiss me, my body
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was starting to tense because it was worried that it was gonna be asked to do something more
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that it didn't wanna do.
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And so we talked about it, and so we created these non non penis and vagina nights on
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Wednesdays.
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And I it it actually didn't even take that many of these nights to actually throw it away
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because my body became so so quickly and so safe, right?
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My nervous system, like, realized it was safe, and it unwound really quickly, that pattern
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that had begun.
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And and so but but also playing up right to that edge was so sexy, and it was so arousing,
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And I, you know, I use that as a regular part of my play now, is let's let's let's pick an
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edge for tonight, and let's just ride right up to that edge and for as long as we can.
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Like that, I love that sort of a little bit of hold of having a hold back, and like letting
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almost letting almost the charge itself become almost the climax.
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That's how I'm playing now.
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Yeah.
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And talk about just ways of really improving desire from, like like like, that leaves an
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individual like wanting more, you know, in a really major way, just having that cutoff.
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I love that so much.
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So I'm curious too in thinking about, because I know you work a lot with Kink and BDSM and and
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this type of world and do it in in a very transformative way.
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And sometimes it's very common that I think some of these fantasies and some of these
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things that happen, whether we're talking about things like dominance and submission, that are
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harmful are then able to be explored in this community in a way that not only can be
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healing, but can actually be safe, consensual, full of pleasure, and very erotic.
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So my my question for you in being in that world and having this sort of history, how did
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you transform from saying, hey, some of these things being like like being stuck in that
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fantasy to say, hey, I'm gonna more play and and be in this erotic, more kink world in a way
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that was safe to your nervous system.
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How did you make that jump?
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First, I'll say that it's my experience now, all these years later, you know, ten or fifteen
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years later, that not every fantasy I had is one that I wanna play out, even now even now
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that not every fantasy I have is one I would wanna play out.
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Some of them are just for the arousal ignition for me.
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At the time, it seemed safe enough to be starting starting to engage as a submissive.
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It was a little bit in wherein the the journey itself that I that I discovered my masochist.
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And so, you know, that's when you really have to start to, like, really discern, you know,
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where what is safe to play, what is not safe to play.
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But what I did find was that it's it's not so much like the thing, like the DS, or masochism,
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or sadism itself.
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I think I think we get sort of prescriptive about declaring that those things are things
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that, you know, are looked are looked down upon, or that we should feel ashamed about.
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But that's really the key piece.
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It's like when we're when we're trained to feel shame over our desires, regardless of what they
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look like, that's where the damage is, and that's what we're fighting the whole time that
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we're on our healing journeys.
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And so to to finally walk into a community where, like, you know, every like, you can
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you're gonna find somebody else's kink next year's that's way more extreme than than yours
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is.
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And that's the beauty of the community, because it suddenly softens the impact, and it softens
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the internal shame that you tend to carry around about your particular desires.
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And I'll say really quickly too, like fetishes and desires can be developed so innocently.
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A simple example would be like a two or three year old who's touching themselves because
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that's so natural for them to do.
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And, you know, they happen to be touching themselves and in their arousal and hyper
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focused on it, when their aunt walks by in a pair of red high heels.
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And suddenly, they have a shoe and foot fetish, you know, for the rest of their lives.
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So like, you know, people wanna really like pathologize these these fetishes and these
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desires, and like, that's the that's the cultural narrative that I'm trying to
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challenge.
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But there is nothing to feel ashamed about in what your fantasies are.
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And again, some of those fantasies aren't even ones you end up wanting to play out, and you
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have to kinda play around to find out if that's true or not too.
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So you have to be willing to make mistakes.
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You have to be willing to meet or cross your own boundary and not, you know, not blame the
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people you're with and, like, really I I only encourage conscious and intentional play.
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Beautiful.
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That's so helpful.
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And I wanna talk a little bit about using this for desire mismatch because this comes up a lot
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on this in this community, but I also want our listeners to know that I know one of the things
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that comes up so frequently when we're talking about exploration and play is for men, it's so
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common to have, like, erectile dysfunction, for example, and not to be able even able to get
21:52
there.
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So I know we talked offline, and you said you have experience with the penis pump too, and I
21:56
wanna make sure everybody knows about this.
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So I have, like, two examples of sizes, but how these pumps work.
22:02
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22:04
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22:08
But I have like the the bigger size and the smaller size and there's like tons in between.
22:12
And what's so great about this company versus other companies online is they will fit you for
22:17
your like online, they'll help fit you for your exact size so you can really get this good
22:22
suction and what they have found, some of the research from this, is that the length can
22:28
increase up to an inch, the girth by about a half an inch, and erections last longer, they
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last better, so if you're finding yourself like, oh wow, this is great, I wanna play with,
22:40
you know, play with my partner.
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If you're a male and you're you're having a level of erectile dysfunction, this is a way of
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really getting that blood flow back to your penis and seeing some pretty permanent changes.
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So definitely wanted to mention that.
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And then to go back to our conversation though on desire, I wanna talk about desire mismatch
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because this happens so often, I think, in long term relationships, and I find that it
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oscillates, you know, that at 1.1 partner might have a lower desire, and then another part
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years later maybe it switches.
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I I find that it can happen with women or men.
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It goes either way.
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And so how have you found in your work that there's a that that this type of conversation,
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that taboos, that fantasy, that these types of things have helped with bridging any desire
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mismatch that comes up.
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Oh my gosh.
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Yeah.
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I can I'm thinking of one couple in particular that I know who had been married who's been
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married, like, by now, they've probably married thirty something years.
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I met them about ten years ago.
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They've probably been married twenty three, twenty four years by then.
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They had gone they had had children early.
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They were in addiction early in their lives.
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And once they kind of got sober and and became like the parents they always wanted to become,
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they also realized they had walked away from everything, including their sex lives.
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And so because it was like they have to put everything every anything that brought them
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pleasure at all was like needed to be put behind them.
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And then she started to discover and look up a daddy baby girl play, and found it really
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arousing and got caught, you know, who knows, but got caught one day, you know, watching this
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this kind of play, and she was so nervous that, you know, about what his feelings might that
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might might be around that.
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But that, once he saw it, it ignited it ignited their romance.
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I mean, they have they have, like, a beautiful romance story that happened after they
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discovered this particular kind of kink.
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And she also has other, you know, extreme kinks, like humiliation kink, and and and she's
24:45
a big masochist as well.
24:46
So, like, they really went from, like, zero to 100 with regards to that, and they became
24:50
leaders in the community and teach incredible classes.
24:52
And, yeah, they're such a shining example of of kink and b d s m, like, completely resurrecting
24:59
a dead relationship.
25:00
You know, I wanted to mention, even with the penis punk and, like, the erectile dysfunction,
25:04
even dominance who's like sadistic dominance that I see in the community when we go to
25:09
parties, even they will get like stage fright.
25:12
Right?
25:12
Erectile stage fright.
25:14
And all of them, I'll tell you, all of them bring strap ons.
25:17
Just another option for couples, you know, is that maybe maybe the his men maybe his mind
25:23
wants to play, but maybe the rest of him is not cooperating, and that's also an option that I
25:28
hear really good reports on.
25:31
Yeah.
25:32
It's definitely great to have many options.
25:34
I really appreciate what you're saying about that story.
25:37
I think there's so much to be said just about showing up authentically in our erotic body,
25:43
and I think when people finally are able to do that and however it looks and and feel
25:49
accepted, feel loved, feel not shamed, feel like their partner is curious.
25:53
And and even if their partner is not into whatever that fantasy is, I think just being
25:57
able to have a partner, like, hold them in, like, the curiosity of that and not shame them
26:02
for it can be so incredibly, not only healing, but, like you said, like, charging for the
26:07
relationship.
26:07
Yeah.
26:07
I'd say
26:08
rope is another wonderful gateway into erotic play that feels very attuned, you're very
26:14
connected to one another, and and kind of maybe kind of bridges the desire gap because it it
26:20
because of that arousal and, like, sensual and and and energetic play that that takes place.
26:26
So rope would probably be a great option as well.
26:29
And I think just I even just the sharing of the fantasies, sometimes that can be enough.
26:34
Like, imagine just getting to talk about some sexy fantasy and and then letting it sit in the
26:39
air and like having your partner say, wow, I loved hearing that, you know, tell me more.
26:43
You know, again, that could bridge the gap too.
26:46
Do think that, again, we have to take responsibility for our own arousal.
26:51
Like, if I have a date with my husband a couple nights a week, I'm not just waiting for him to
26:56
arouse me in order for me to get into that state.
26:58
I feel like it's not a job as in a bad thing.
27:01
I think it's like, it's my privilege to make it my job to arouse myself all day, so that by the
27:07
time I'm that he finally gets home and our date starts, I am chomping at the bit to engage with
27:11
him, and I still have to wait through dinner, you know?
27:14
Like, even better, like, literally my mouth's watering as I'm talking about it, thinking
27:18
about it.
27:20
I I couldn't agree, Morag.
27:22
We have when we have our date nights, I'm, like, very, very cautious around, okay, giving
27:28
myself at least an hour, like, you know, to to really focus on being in my body and being in
27:33
my erotic self.
27:33
And, yes, like, whole day as far as, like, getting, you know, in tuned, and there's a lot
27:38
of things we can do throughout the day to kind of stoke up our pleasure, but what I have found
27:42
is like I need that hour where it's like I am like throwing out the trash from my head of the
27:47
day, you know, and really doing practices to like get in my body and turn myself on, and it
27:52
makes all the world of a difference because when he shows up, then I am also, like, charged
27:57
up and ready to So I have seen such a Do dance?
27:59
In in my relationship.
28:02
I dance a lot, and I've done a lot with, like, sensual dancing and erotic dancing and pole
28:06
dancing and those kinda classes.
28:09
So I do dance in my own, you know, my own house, and I have, like, my erotic playlist
28:12
that I put on for the purposes and all of that, which is so yummy.
28:16
But I I actually found when I was trying to get more in my erotic body initially when I was,
28:22
you know, checking out through my own history, that dance was a huge thing that really helped
28:27
me feel into my my erotic self in many ways for the first time.
28:31
You know another one that is coming to mind, and this is particular to my interest and my
28:36
kind of mild fetishes, which is I have kind of a mild embarrassment kink, which used to be my
28:40
shame.
28:41
So what I realized is as I healed my shame my shame wound, it it morphed into this
28:47
embarrassment kink.
28:48
So, like, if I were if if my husband were to ask me to strip down and just stand in front of
28:52
him naked, and then he just watches like, it like, he's sitting down with a cut glass of
28:56
scotch or something, you know, and he's just sitting back on his chair and he's just looking
29:00
at me, and I'm, like, examining me up and down, like, that is a very arousing, you know, moment
29:05
for me, and it would cause me to blush.
29:07
And then in this case of the embarrassment kink, the blush also makes my panties, you
29:12
know, wet.
29:12
So, you know, again Yeah.
29:14
Love created about finding I I feel like drawing out the start of the night to the
29:21
moment of, say, penis and vagina, I feel like that's what we're talking about when we're
29:25
talking about how to bridge the desire gap.
29:27
I feel like that's the space we're talking about.
29:31
Yeah.
29:31
And making foreplay more than just those, like, few minutes that happen between penis and
29:36
vagina contact and making it, like, a much longer expression of what we're actually saying
29:40
foreplay is, I think, is a huge part too.
29:45
So this has been awesome.
29:47
You've said so many good things, and everybody, as always, remember we're gonna do part two
29:52
with Sharon Marie, and you can find out about how to access that in the show notes.
29:56
We're gonna talk about self devotion.
29:59
We're gonna talk about how some of Sharon Marie's practice around self worship, self
30:04
devotion is actually huge for really getting more in that erotic body, getting more
30:09
pleasure, experiencing better pleasure and orgasm with your partner, and so much more.
30:14
Before we do that though, would you please tell us about your book, how we get ahold of you,
30:19
how people work with you, and all of that.
30:21
Yeah.
30:21
Thanks so much.
30:22
I did have a book come out last year called Transmuting Taboo into Erotic Medicine, and
30:28
that is about, you know, those those things that are that that we feel are deeply forbidden
30:32
or the things we have the deepest shame that also hold our our deepest and most powerful
30:38
medicine.
30:38
That one came out last year, and then I have another book coming out in a month that's
30:43
called Flesh and Flame Pleasure as a Portal to Divine Mastery.
30:47
And that has more to do with me think me believing that pleasure is really a technology.
30:52
It tells us our body was our pleasure our pleasure or lack of pleasure is those are those
30:58
are answers to the universe.
30:59
You know, you can you can get yeses and noes from your body.
31:01
It can tell it can tell then can tell you when you're afraid.
31:04
I think it can lead you in the right direction, like, if you're looking for your purpose in
31:07
life.
31:08
So pleasure is, like, the answer to everything for me.
31:10
So and then my website, sharonmariescott.com, or you can find me on Substack as well with the
31:17
same name or my platform, Life Turned On.
31:21
Beautiful.
31:22
And we will have all of that in the show notes for everybody.
31:25
And just so you guys all know that when we are filming this, by the time it comes out, Sharon
31:30
Marie's new book should be on the bookshelves by then.
31:32
So at the time of watching this, you should be able to go and pick it up right now.
31:37
And, again, that'll all be in the show notes for you.
31:39
And thank you so much for being here with me today.
31:42
It's been an absolute pleasure.
31:43
I'm looking forward to part two, and thank you everybody for listening.
31:47
We'll see.
31:51
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
31:54
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31:55
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