Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Yes Men Like Nonsexual Physical Touch!

Transcript

Yes Men Like Nonsexual Physical Touch! · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show today we're going to be talking about when women
• 0:11
  say that men don't like non-sexual physical touch.
• 0:15
  And this is really not usually the case and I'll explain what
• 0:20
  goes into women thinking this and why this is a common thing
• 0:25
  that is said before that please do subscribe.
• 0:28
  My most recent subscriber episode was on acts of service
• 0:32
  and physical touch being opposite.
• 0:33
  Love Languages I think Anger. Maybe there was some different
• 0:37
  one. That was a subscriber one.
• 0:38
  That can't remember. But either way there's a lot of
• 0:42
  good ones that's going to be my 80th subscriber episodes soon.
• 0:46
  So you should definitely be subscribing to hear all of those
• 0:49
  pretty soon. I'll be at 100, I bet.
• 0:52
  Okay, so women frequently say that men just want sex and that
• 0:57
  the reason that they know that it's not about intimacy that
• 1:00
  it's just about sex. Is that their husbands do not?
• 1:05
  Not like non-sexual physical touch like hugs or kisses, or
• 1:08
  cuddles or hand-holding, first of all, I mean, this is like
• 1:12
  really just straight up, not true.
• 1:16
  I mean, it's it's, it's not anything like, what the majority
• 1:20
  of men feel, they want only more and more touching where this can
• 1:26
  be misinterpreted, is that the woman rarely wants to touch in
• 1:32
  these situations. So, or at least from the mail,
• 1:35
  Perspective, she rarely wants to touch from her perspective.
• 1:38
  She may rarely want to touch because it turns into sex, so,
• 1:43
  the woman rarely wants to touch sometimes she'll be cuddly.
• 1:46
  So the guy would like to cuddle but since he thinks man, it's
• 1:51
  she only wants to touch every blue moon, maybe she's feeling
• 1:55
  good about me right now. So maybe I should try to have
• 1:57
  sex. So that's kind of what happens
• 1:59
  and why she thinks that he only wants sex is because she thinks
• 2:02
  that they're moving past the cuddling.
• 2:05
  Very quickly because he doesn't like called like he only wants
• 2:08
  sex but in the absence of a lot of touch or sex like you know,
• 2:13
  he's going to prioritize text. So if you can only have sex a
• 2:15
  couple times a month or something, you know, or for
• 2:18
  younger guys. If you could only have sex once
• 2:19
  a week or like whatever then you know you become certainly
• 2:24
  obsessed with it because that is a natural human drive to have
• 2:28
  sex and when you don't have sex you think about sex a lot that's
• 2:31
  how people that are high libido. People of both genders feel And
• 2:35
  I did a video about how that does not mean that you're a sex
• 2:38
  addict if you think about sex a lot.
• 2:40
  But anyway, so the point is that the guy feels like this is his
• 2:45
  moment where he can finally ask for sex because apparently,
• 2:49
  she's feeling good about it and she think so, every single time
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  I try to hug him and kiss him and turns into sex, that's all
• 2:56
  that he cares about. So you see how this would end up
• 3:00
  being an impasse? So what do I suggest to do?
• 3:04
  I I suggest that both people become aware of this and openly
• 3:08
  voice. Their needs to each other.
• 3:10
  I want to cuddle more. Oh, I want to cuddle more to
• 3:13
  also. I want sex, I don't want that
• 3:14
  much sex, but maybe I would want sex, if we would cuddle, Etc,
• 3:18
  whatever your perspective is. But what you can't do is just
• 3:22
  make it like a joke, where your wife is like, oh, all of our
• 3:25
  cuddling turns into sex and you're like, oh yeah, that's me,
• 3:28
  you know. No, look, it's not a joke to
• 3:30
  her. She actually thinks that there's
• 3:32
  a lot of people who have such Disparate views on sex and
• 3:37
  intimacy that when they joke around, they like don't even
• 3:40
  understand that. Each other is joking.
• 3:42
  You know, like a man. Like a woman might say, my God,
• 3:45
  you're such a sex addict and like, actually mean, I believe
• 3:48
  you are a diagnosable sex addict and he'll be like, yep.
• 3:51
  That's me. A sex addict.
• 3:52
  And like you won't literally even understand that she
• 3:55
  seriously is Googling sex addiction because in her mind
• 3:58
  wanting to have sex multiple times, we get sex addiction
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  because she was raised to be very negative about sex or she
• 4:04
  herself has a low libido or whatever.
• 4:06
  So don't don't just keep, you're talking about sex into the realm
• 4:10
  of kind of like snarky jokes or like whatever.
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  Because the point is, that, you cannot understand one another,
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  if you do not have the same upbringing values, physical
• 4:23
  body, like, you just don't have all of those same things.
• 4:26
  So there should not be a shorthand.
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  When you're trying to communicate about sex, you
• 4:30
  should be talking in as you know, it's like the Reddit
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  explain. I'm 5 or something.
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  So you should be explaining to your partner at the very most
• 4:41
  simple basic level possible. So if you are somebody who has a
• 4:48
  high sex drive and they want to cuddle, but at any moment your
• 4:52
  you know, could get rebuffed. So you try to quickly move it on
• 4:55
  to sex because you're thinking that today is, you know, maybe
• 4:58
  the Moon is in Aquarius. And now for finally, you're
• 5:01
  going to get laid. Well, then tell that to your
• 5:04
  partner, say, I would love to cuddle more, I love hugging and
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  kissing and cuddling but you know we have sex so rarely so
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  much less than I would want then you know I feel like maybe
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  there's an opening and then if you're on the other side, say
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  well if we cuddled more and there was more physical
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  intimacy, that was non-sexual, I would feel closer overall,
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  possibly, I would want more sex. Either way, I would feel closer
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  and in a more loving genuine relationship, which it's not
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  like I just want sex. They also want you to be Happy
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  and they want to be intimate and they want to be close.
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  And if they could do that by just cuddling, you more, they
• 5:39
  would. Now there are, of course, are
• 5:41
  some people who have sensory issues and don't like to be
• 5:44
  touched at all. And if you're with such a person
• 5:47
  than they do not like to cuddle, but that is not the average man
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  that that is a unique situation where somebody is is has what we
• 5:54
  now, call sensory issues and does not like to be touched.
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  And in this case the person may have a libido and they want to
• 6:00
  have some sort of sex but they don't like to touch.
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  Men can be like that, but I'll A lot of women can be like that
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  too. So, another reason that a lot of
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  that, that there are misunderstandings about physical
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  touch versus sex are the following.
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  I mean, if you do not have any touch then as soon as you touch
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  the person thinks, okay, we're going to have sex or they think
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  I hate this touch. So I want to move this into sex
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  as quickly as possible because of these sensory issues that I
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  have and women do that a lot too.
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  So the guy We'll be trying to kiss and cuddle and guys want
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  more foreplay than women do in the couples that I see because I
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  see a lot of couples the more couples where the woman is the
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  lower libido partner and a lot of times that goes along with
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  less foreplay so she doesn't like to be touched so she's the
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  one that's actually kind of moving it along and then you
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  know it just turns into that. That's what they do.
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  They just basically do intercourse, you know, and they
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  don't touch even during intercourse they like barely use
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  their hands and and they don't kiss, they don't touch.
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  They don't do anything and it's just Of just just sex like, as
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  it's not intimate as possible, and if that's what you're used
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  to, then when one person reaches out to touch another, then, you
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  know, the other one tries to move it along to sex and this
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  could be either gender. So if you are coupled with
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  somebody who has these sensory issues that doesn't like to be
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  touched, this is very difficult. You know, when they may have to
• 7:26
  try to go very much outside their comfort zone and you may
• 7:29
  have to compromise on your end but it should be talked about as
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  that there are sensory issues at Play.
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  A and that the person needs to habituate to some more touch and
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  you need to make acceptance and peace with less touch, and there
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  needs to be some sort of compromise with the, the
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  compromise in a marriage cannot be well, I have sensory issues,
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  so, we don't touch. I mean that just can't be, you
• 7:51
  know, I did this video where I said, there is no, and I've said
• 7:56
  this on podcast too, but there's no such thing as a, super loving
• 8:00
  intimate person, that just hates all touch.
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  How could that be like as a parent?
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  Can you be like a successful parent of a child and just be
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  like, I hate touch. I'm never going to touch them.
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  I won't hug them. I won't kiss them.
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  No. So then of course, it really
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  can't be thought like that for a partner either.
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  But now there's this whole like, you know, I am my own person,
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  you're your own person. And I happen to be a person who
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  doesn't like touch and therefore, you suffer.
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  That's not a marriage, you know? I mean, that that is not two
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  people trying to get outside their comfort zones.
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  What could be is I have sensory issues.
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  So, therefore I need It off maybe and I needed to be warmer
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  in the room. And I want to leave my shirt on
• 8:39
  to start and whatever, but it can't be like, I don't like
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  touching, so we don't touch. And because we have three
• 8:44
  minutes of intercourse, you should be happy, that's not a
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  relationship. You know, that's like, you know,
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  sex people would have in prison, you know, I mean it's nothing
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  positive. So if you are coupled with
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  somebody who hates touch, then that needs to be something that
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  they work on and you need to work on whatever the hell they
• 9:01
  want you to work on, you know, being more Accepting being more
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  loving doing their love language, more, whatever, but it
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  should not be the end of the road just as a wouldn't be in
• 9:12
  parenting. You wouldn't be like I don't
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  really like hugging my kids. So I'm just never going to do
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  that. You can't say that, you know,
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  you can't ever say as a parent. I just never want to get outside
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  my comfort zone ever, so fuck it.
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  I won't, you know. So if people were trying to
• 9:27
  treat their spouses, well as they treat their kid, then, you
• 9:30
  know another frequent topic that I talked about.
• 9:34
  Then This would not be an issue as much as it is.
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  The reality is that if you do not have the same idea of what
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  touch means, you know, if to you touches Superfluous and to your
• 9:50
  partner it is essential, there's not a way to fix that.
• 9:55
  But there are compromises, there are ways for both people to go
• 9:58
  outside of their comfort zone, and try their hardest to have a
• 10:02
  different sort of interaction, moving Forward.
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  You know. And what might that look like?
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  That might look like somebody habituating habituation, just
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  means getting used to it. It's a behavioral term a bitch
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  and it's the basis of exposure therapy for anxiety.
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  You know, it may get used to some, somebody getting used to,
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  you know, being a little bit more comfortable with hugging so
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  they have a 30 second hug instead of a 3 second hug or of
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  course, it wouldn't have, it wouldn't be a 30-second hog
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  right away. It would be like a 10 second hug
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  and then a 20 second hug. If you're thinking that this
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  sounds like some kind of torture to be married, to somebody where
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  they have to build up their tolerance to hugging you.
• 10:42
  Well, you know, I didn't choose this person and make you an
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  arranged marriage with them. You chose to marry this person
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  and you knew on some level that there were lots of disparities
• 10:52
  than your libidinal drive. And as I talked about this quite
• 10:56
  a bit, there are always red flags that there is a disparity
• 10:59
  in sex drive and most guys who end up very, very unhappy with
• 11:03
  their wives. You know, sex drive from the
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  beginning. They weren't thrilled with it,
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  but, you know, it was okay. And then when it drops and it's
• 11:12
  not even okay anymore. Well, yeah, listen marriage is
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  sacrifice and compromise. And you are going to have to
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  accept that this person is is the person that would have to
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  build up to hugging you more. And that it's good that they
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  would put themselves out there to try to build up to hugging
• 11:26
  you more. And that that's actually a good
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  thing, but with versus a person who says fuck it, I don't like
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  to hug and that's the end of that.
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  Anyway, so what should you do in order to cultivate more
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  non-sexual physical intimacy? What does that look like?
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  Massage is a good way. There's a lot of people who
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  don't like to just sit there and cuddle, but they would like to
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  be massaged door. They would understand at least,
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  that massage is something that feels good and that could be
• 11:54
  part of their, you know, routine showering together and that's
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  non-sexual physical touch, you know, scratching back scratches
• 12:02
  and those sorts of things foot rubs.
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  Those are things that you can, these are all things that you
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  can build up to hand-holding kissing.
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  There are many ways to express non-sexual, physical touch, and
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  what you need to understand is that, if these are a part of
• 12:16
  your daily life, then you will get used to them.
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  And they may even become something that you look forward
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  to. Even if you were somebody that
• 12:23
  didn't, and if you're somebody who is has more of a sensual
• 12:27
  erotic blueprint, you should take the erotic blueprint quiz,
• 12:30
  then it may in fact, put you in the mood so you may have the
• 12:34
  Wife that if you cuddle her more and more and more, then she may
• 12:37
  actually want to have sex. That is a whole thing.
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  That's a whole vibe that if you have a sensual erotic blueprint
• 12:47
  and you love, like, touching and being close and that puts you in
• 12:52
  the mood, then you may really be unlocking, your wife, sexual
• 12:56
  potential, which is every man's fantasy.
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  If you do a hell of a lot more of cuddling and hand-holding and
• 13:02
  kissing and all of that if you're somebody who Was rushed
• 13:05
  through that previously, then you may never have seen your
• 13:09
  Wives true erotic potential, because she may never feel as
• 13:13
  close and warm and connected as she needs to, you know, so in
• 13:18
  order to be sexual, so the point here is that you, if you are
• 13:24
  somebody who says my partner will not cuddle me enough, you
• 13:28
  need to think as a summary, am I giving them enough sex at all,
• 13:32
  anything near the amount that they would want.
• 13:34
  Want. And if you think, by the way, I
• 13:36
  see men do the stupid thing all the time.
• 13:38
  So I'll just tell you the stupid thing.
• 13:40
  So maybe you won't do it. There's men who I say, does your
• 13:43
  wife know how much you want to have sex in there?
• 13:45
  Like yeah, she knows it would be like two times a week, really?
• 13:50
  You want to have sex two times a week that you're fucking ideal
• 13:53
  is two times a week. I'm doubting it.
• 13:55
  If you're in your 30s or 40s, I'm doubting twice a week.
• 13:58
  Is your ideal? If it if two times a week, is
• 14:01
  your ideal? That we would not be sitting
• 14:03
  here, talking about how to make your sex life.
• 14:05
  Better because that is not very much for a guy to want sex twice
• 14:09
  a week. Only what the guy.
• 14:11
  And so the guys like no no no you mean like really why would I
• 14:14
  want well like every day like obviously or at least every
• 14:18
  other day obviously? But I mean of course I'm not
• 14:20
  going to say that because then she'll think that I'm, you know,
• 14:23
  asking for too much. That is a terrible.
• 14:26
  Terrible thing to do is telling your partner that you want
• 14:29
  something less than what you really want.
• 14:32
  How does that lack of authenticity?
• 14:34
  Help you, it hurts you because she doesn't know that you're
• 14:38
  already compromising in your mind by saying that you would
• 14:41
  want things to times a week. She thinks that that is what you
• 14:43
  want. So then if you end up doing it
• 14:45
  every other week, she thinks all right, you know, it's not so
• 14:47
  bad. I wanted zero, he wants it
• 14:49
  every, you know, twice a week so on average every other week that
• 14:52
  makes sense really though you wanted every day and if you had
• 14:57
  said to her that you wanted every day, then she'll be like,
• 14:59
  oh shit, he wants it every day. I don't want it at all.
• 15:02
  Oh shit, I see why he's upset, you I mean, it makes a lot more
• 15:06
  sense makes a lot more sense. So when you are actually trying
• 15:10
  to tell your partner, what you want, tell them what you
• 15:13
  actually would want. So then it can actually make
• 15:16
  sense to them. Why you are so upset.
• 15:20
  Otherwise, they just think that you're kind of being a fucking
• 15:22
  asshole, you know. And like nothing is really ever
• 15:24
  good enough for you. Because he'll here, they are
• 15:26
  trying to compromise but who they're compromising with is a
• 15:29
  totally different person than who you actually are.
• 15:32
  So take that for what it's worth.
• 15:34
  That's probably Be worth the price of admission alone.
• 15:36
  And since admission to this podcast was free, it's
• 15:38
  definitely worth it. All right, so hopefully this
• 15:41
  left you with something to think about and kind of a path forward
• 15:45
  when you're trying to bridge the gap between, you know, not
• 15:49
  having any non sexual physical touch.
• 15:52
  And having all the non sexual physical touch that you want,
• 15:54
  because nobody anymore things, that one has to lead to the
• 15:58
  other or that one is some sort of gateway drug necessarily to
• 16:04
  the It isn't, it should be its own part of your life.
• 16:07
  Your intimate life should have non sexual physical touch.
• 16:10
  And also though it should have sex, if it doesn't have set,
• 16:13
  assuming both people want it right.
• 16:15
  Assuming that it's a marriage in which both people still identify
• 16:18
  sexual entities and want to be having sex then.
• 16:20
  Yes, sex is part of your marriage.
• 16:22
  If you're in a situation where you're like, no, like I'm cool
• 16:24
  with non sexual physical touch but I don't want sex at all.
• 16:27
  Well then you gotta. Oh it.
• 16:29
  You owe it to your partner to say that to say I'm done with
• 16:31
  that. I don't want to do that.
• 16:32
  And what should we do? You can't just tell your partner
• 16:36
  never to have sex again because you don't want to ever have sex
• 16:38
  again when it used to be part of your marriage.
• 16:40
  So that's not ethical, you know? So that would be a very
• 16:44
  different conversation you know. Like I'm cool with kissing and
• 16:47
  hugging but I never ever want to have sex again.
• 16:49
  If people were honest about saying that then you know people
• 16:52
  would not remain in sexless marriages for years and years
• 16:54
  and years to Lisa. Acrimonious divorce has because
• 16:58
  they feel like they were let on for a long time by somebody who
• 17:01
  did not think that they should necessarily come out and say
• 17:04
  that that's It would be hurtful or that it goes without saying
• 17:07
  or whatever. Nothing goes without saying,
• 17:09
  that's what I've learned, as a couple's, counselor, there is
• 17:11
  nothing that goes without say you and your partner may think
• 17:14
  so differently about things that would make your head spin.
• 17:17
  So, there is nothing that goes without saying in a marriage,
• 17:20
  you must Express what you deeply feel, particularly about topics
• 17:23
  that have caused sensitivity or conflict, even if it's hard.
• 17:27
  And that's where a couples counseling can actually help
• 17:29
  very much. All right, I'll talk to you all
• 17:31
  soon. Please subscribe.