Latest / The Daily Sarcast / September 4th, 2026: Dyson's New Toothbrush, Bizarre Amazon Packages And Topher's Update

Transcript

September 4th, 2026: Dyson's New Toothbrush, Bizarre Amazon Packages And Topher's Update · The Daily Sarcast

• 0:00
  Did your boyfriend cheat on you? Did he borrow money and never pay it back?
• 0:07
  Then you need Dead Boyfriend, the breakup service for when your relationship
• 0:11
  is over, but unfortunately, he continues to exist.
• 0:14
  We start with a personalized obituary. Brad passed away after a prolonged battle
• 0:19
  with emotional availability.
• 0:21
  He is survived by his PlayStation, three identical hoodies, and the woman he
• 0:26
  told you not to worry about.
• 0:28
  We'll also organize a memorial service where your friends finally admit they always hated him.
• 0:34
  Like this one time, I remember Brad ate a nacho off the floor of like an Applebee's.
• 0:39
  It was so gross. He was like so gross.
• 0:45
  Premium packages include a voodoo doll and a spell.
• 0:49
  It won't physically harm him, but his AirPods will never connect properly and
• 0:52
  one corner of it, the fitted sheet will always pop off the mattress.
• 0:56
  Doxing service is available at an additional charge. Death not guaranteed.
• 1:00
  Dead boyfriend. If he's dead to you, he's dead to us.
• 1:05
  Today's quote, you look really good for you, my mother on prom night,
• 1:11
  which if you know me explains so much.
• 1:14
  Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Sarcast. I give you the news and maybe a laugh.
• 1:19
  I'm Topher Aston and today is September 4th, 2026.
• 1:23
  Hello everyone.
• 1:25
  It is good to be back guest hosting on the Daily Sarcast summer residency.
• 1:29
  I am Topher Aston, actor, comedian, mathematician, Dude who likes to play with
• 1:35
  sound effects on GarageBand.
• 1:38
  So yeah, I had so much fun doing this last week, I reached out to Lindsay and
• 1:43
  begged her to see if I could do it again.
• 1:46
  And, you know, she said, Who are you? Where am I?
• 1:51
  But then eventually she said, Sure, whatever, fine.
• 1:55
  So, with that ringing endorsement, I'm here to bring you the news.
• 1:59
  The Associated Press reports that thieves stole 1,600 cases of beer from an
• 2:04
  Anheuser-Busch distribution center.
• 2:07
  Roughly 34,000 cans of both Pabst Blue Ribbon and non-alcoholic Old Milwaukee
• 2:15
  were taken, weighing 40,000 pounds and $70,000.
• 2:20
  That sounds like a lot, y'all, but that's only $1.75 per pound.
• 2:25
  I did the math, and a roasted chicken from Whole Foods is worth more per pound,
• 2:30
  or literally almost anything else.
• 2:33
  I'm just saying, think about it.
• 2:35
  A $45,000 shipment was first picked up, but never arrived at the destination
• 2:44
  it was supposed to go to, according to the paperwork.
• 2:46
  And then one hour later, someone came back using more fraudulent documents to
• 2:51
  collect another $25,000 shipment,
• 2:56
  I'd get nervous just going back for a second free sample at Costco.
• 3:00
  Police are investigating whether the two thefts might be connected.
• 3:05
  Well, I'm not a detective, but I ran a preliminary correlation analysis.
• 3:10
  Yes, it has all the planning of Ocean's Eleven in the taste of Borat.
• 3:15
  They forged documents to steal cheap beer. That's like counterfeiting a coupon.
• 3:21
  Nearly 200 cases were non-alcoholic Old Milwaukee.
• 3:25
  For when you want to remember every detail of drinking Old Milwaukee,
• 3:29
  Pabst CEO Greg DeBow told the thieves, I'm sure they look cool with a garage full of PBR.
• 3:36
  That's actually not cool, though.
• 3:38
  Police suspect an inside job, because
• 3:41
  no other human in the world knew non-alcoholic Old Milwaukee existed.
• 3:45
  Or maybe it's for Schmucktoberfest, who knows.
• 3:48
  Next up, Dyson's $499 AI toothbrush spies inside your mouth.
• 3:55
  It has a 100,000-pixel camera, analyzes 28 images per second,
• 4:00
  runs on 16 million lines of code, and fires mouthwash between your teeth when its AI detects a gap.
• 4:07
  For $499, it's essentially just a ring doorbell for gingivitis.
• 4:12
  Spinach has been finding the gaps between my teeth for free.
• 4:16
  Also in the news this week from British Columbia, a Canadian island disappeared
• 4:22
  and resurfaced 19 miles away.
• 4:25
  BC Hydro reports that a floating forested island in British Columbia's Williston
• 4:30
  Reservoir disappeared, then resurfaced roughly 19 miles away along the Ospika Arm.
• 4:38
  The island is about the size of two football fields and consists of established
• 4:43
  vegetation growing on a mass of logs and decaying woody debris, so it kind of floats.
• 4:49
  BC Hydro has warned people not to climb onto it because it's unstable.
• 4:53
  Should you want the extra detail that Canada has already had to say,
• 4:57
  please don't board the fugitive island.
• 4:59
  And you know, if the real estate is relocating, it's probably not a great neighborhood.
• 5:04
  That's a geographical Irish exit.
• 5:06
  So this week in Topher News, I have an embarrassing and hilarious story that
• 5:11
  I wasn't sure if I should share with you.
• 5:14
  But this is something I could not in a million years have made up.
• 5:19
  And I'm sorry, Lindsay, if this gives your parents severe heartburn,
• 5:22
  maybe they should just...
• 5:24
  Lindsay's parents, please leave the room for a minute. There. That takes care of that.
• 5:29
  So I mentioned last week I was filming the final two episodes of my little sketch
• 5:34
  comedy Insta series called Game Night, just released at Topher Aston.
• 5:39
  Anyway, as props for these episodes, I ordered a unicorn horn with an elastic
• 5:46
  band, you know, to like go over your head, kind of like a birthday hat.
• 5:50
  And I also needed to get a rainbow horsetail butt plug.
• 5:55
  But for props, people, for real, for props. So, Amazon left the package outside
• 6:00
  my apartment, and I saw the photograph and everything to prove it,
• 6:04
  but by the time I got home, somebody in my building had stolen it, and I don't know who.
• 6:10
  So, one of my neighbors must think, that dude in 2K is into some freaky shit.
• 6:17
  Maybe there's a whole building group chat about it? I don't know.
• 6:21
  I'm so embarrassed going in and out of my building now.
• 6:25
  And that's the Topher update and this is the part in the script that actually
• 6:31
  says insert plug here but I already did that.
• 6:38
  Now for your special segment Friday MVP of the week this week's MVP is Chardonnay,
• 6:45
  an Australian shepherd who set a world record by crossing the backs of 56 people in 16 seconds,
• 6:53
  so the actual world record was for getting 56 stupid humans on their hands and
• 7:00
  knees to act like furniture for that chardonnay,
• 7:05
  you're our mvp of the week cooking tip of the day don't cook bacon naked,
• 7:10
  feedback comments questions a nice jewish boy looking for a date email lindsey
• 7:16
  at the daily sarcasm.com a nice jewish agent looking for an actor dm me at tover
• 7:22
  astin thanks for listening everyone and,
• 7:24
  Tune in on Monday for another very special episode of the Daily Sarcast Summer Residency.