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Adrianna & Chris. Teaser 2,,,,,,, · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and thank you for coming back and listening.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is Teaser Part 2.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: There's a provocative little title.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: But it's a way of beginning the series, Leaving the One Way Street.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I spoke about Adriana and Chris, and I guess the motivation for doing so was to introduce this series, Leaving the One-Way Street.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't expect it would be downloaded so quickly and by so many.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if and when this happens, it tells me something that I think is quite important.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it tells me that the things that I speak about seem to resonate with those who want and perhaps need to hear it.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't a boastful claim.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: I think what it what it does is to confirm that the topics that I produce in the various podcasts and the series that I create are in some way meaningful to others.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: And they're not theoretical or intellectual.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, much of what I offer is underpinned by well-respected theoretical understanding and many years of clinical experience.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm beginning to think that I speak to the experiences that people are living or have lived.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I try and do this in a way that offers hope, not some kind of flimsy idealized hope or quick fixes, but the kind of hope that's tangible and that which can be used and influence our understanding and subsequent actions.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: But I think what underpins all of this is a continued, very powerful commitment to helping parents from the children that they've brought into the world.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Adriana and Chris is a real story.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, details have been changed for, I hope, obvious reasons.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: But somebody messaged me today saying it's like you were talking about me.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: And in truth, I've heard this before.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, even though I don't know you, and even if I do, what I offer is intended for those who can identify with it, whether they are an Adriana or a Chris.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: I rather suspect, though, that the latter won't, were they to listen, may very well write off my comment, well, good luck with that, because it doesn't change the truth.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Adriana came to one of her sessions when she was in what I regard as stage two in recovery.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the reckoning stage.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, interestingly, her depressive symptoms and self-loathing had given way to something which I can only describe as volcanic.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Her outrage and vehement anger were primed for expression, and she experienced and reported some very vengeful fantasies.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: The desire to make Chris suffer for the damage that he'd caused.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: In one of those, she wanted to expose who he really was to his family and friends.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: In another, she imagined herself going to his house and damaging his property and his car.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: In another, particularly creative, she imagined collecting anything that had been a gift or was in any way a kind of reminder of him and placing it in a black bag and dumping it on his doorstep.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I I think this all of this in inevitably symbolizes the desire to expunge the person who has caused the damage, but also to confront them in a quiet kind of way.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: But for her, this was partly prompted by the fact that she had learned that he had entered a new relationship.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And the pain of this for her translated into anger and the desire for retribution.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And she felt betrayed, not because she particularly wanted him in her life anymore, she'd already determined that he was, as she put it, a toxic taker, despite his declarations to the contrary.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And she began to ask questions like when he had said he was not a taker, she asked herself, why do you need to say that?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I I didn't suggest that you were.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then she went on to say, he also told me that he always tells the truth and that he can't lie, but he he never told the whole truth.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, he concealed so much, it makes me wonder if the things he said about his ex-wife were really as bad as he'd described, or was his ex-wife somebody who actually was a victim like her.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: And this was particularly meaningful to her because whilst this incredibly distorted relationship was happening, he'd made comments about how he'd gotten himself into trouble with other women and how people left him and how people let him down.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: And whereas she couldn't see the dots, she now could, and she was joining them.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Her anger, rage, and desire for retribution were entirely healthy, partly because it meant that her depressive symptoms and self-loathing had been replaced with an undeniable truth.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And she painfully realized and left the one-way street.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And in finding the courage to tell me her recovery had begun, my position was one of validating what she experienced, confirming, yes, you have been lied to, yes, you have been treated badly, yes, this person is toxic, and yes, they are a taker, and it's not your fault.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And you were caught up in something.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Whether the other person consciously knew or not isn't the point.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: She seemed to accept this because by having it acknowledged, it meant that she felt recognized and that her reactions were healthy and that she didn't need to act on them.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: It was wonderful because it was as if she was on the verge of reclaiming her life.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: So, the good news.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Adriana is no longer in therapy, but in a check-up session, some while later, she talked about a new relationship.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: She'd been quite unexpectedly in close proximity with someone who she immediately felt attracted to and where she felt a real sense of connection, and this was reciprocated, and it was subtle.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it was one where openness and mutuality existed.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: And she recognized that it was early days and she was still damaged.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: But she was also very aware of her boundaries and was very alert to the possibility that she could be hurt once again if she let go of those.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: But my view, she'll be okay.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: I have great admiration for her and for people like her.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think there are many people who experience this, and I think there are many people like Chris, both men and women.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: The full series entitled Leaving the One-Way Street will be available very soon.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope that people like Adriana will listen to it and realize that it's okay to leave, say goodbye, walk away, and expunge those who have taken you for a ride.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: They will almost always have done it before and they will do it again.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: You, on the other hand, are far less likely to repeat this experience because now you place yourself in a position of importance.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: And for those like Chris, it's highly unlikely that you would listen to these podcasts.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's highly unlikely that you will change.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: But know this the house of cards that you live within has an unnerving way of coming to light.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Sooner or later you will be confronted with the consequences of your actions.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Probably not because someone intends it, but the dots just tend to join up anyway.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Some people call it karma, some call it just desserts.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: But those who have been in the same position as Adriana can trust in the fact that they don't have to do anything to facilitate this.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it's okay for her and people like her to speak the truth.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Silence can be an incredibly powerful thing because it signals something to the person who has caused the damage that something has changed in you.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it signals that you no longer matter, and you were just somebody that I used to know.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.