Latest / Relatively Functional Dads / Episode 007 - Angry Dad? How Fathers Can Control Anger Without Hurting Their Families

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Episode 007 - Angry Dad? How Fathers Can Control Anger Without Hurting Their Families · Relatively Functional Dads

• The Boys And Audio: welcome to the Relatively Functional Dads podcast for fathers doing their best and learning every day. We're just three relatives walking through faith, fatherhood, and real life together. That was me. ⁓ experts here, just honest conversations about the wins, the struggles, and the moments that shape us as men and dads. Some days we've got it together, other days we're just trying to get to bedtime, but we keep showing up. And if you're dad... ⁓ In the middle of it too, you're in the right place. Let's journey through this together. Audio: ⁓ So I had a dad friend reach out to me this week while Madeline was pushing out our third child he had texted me something I really related to. said, when I'm home with the kiddos, ⁓ I really have a hard time controlling my anger. In public, it's a whole lot easier. ⁓ at home... ⁓ It's a lot more difficult and my wife said hey, you need to reach out to someone. I need an accountability partner. I've had a lot of accountability partners, never any in that area. ⁓ But I said hey bro, my wife's pushing out a baby, let me holler at you in like a week after I get a couple hours of sleep. ⁓ so I had a really cool conversation with my friend this week. He's an incredible dad, stepped into fatherhood in a non-traditional way, so he's handling a lot right now. And the things he was sharing, things like... I just keep asking myself, do they even listen to me? Do my kids even hear me? Do they respect me? I've had a long hard day, now I have to deal with this. ⁓ And you know, he's not beating his kids, he's not verbally abusing his kids, but he's a dad who's showing up, trying his best, and still falling short in this area of getting angry. He's a listener of the pod, he's a supporter of the pod. So today when we were thinking about what does it look like to ⁓ talk about... what dads need to hear, I thought about my buddy and I thought about anger. So Reese, that's what we're gonna talk about today. We wanna have honest conversations with dads and moms, because we got a lot of ladies that are following. We got some sisters, some relatively functional moms up in this thing. At least three. Yeah, maybe four. But we wanna have a conversation about anger, what's underneath anger, what triggers anger, ⁓ and then how do we as dads... you know, allow ourselves to feel anger, but not hurt the people around us. ⁓ And what's an appropriate response to that. So I'm glad to be back. Hey, I'm glad to be back too. And I must say that one good rule of thumb for my life, anytime I have an issue is to call Buddy Gosey and make sure I get his input on things. So ⁓ looks like your friend did the right thing. I received that. It was, man. That's the one thing I love the most about this podcast is it has re-engaged me with friends I haven't talked to in a while that are in a similar place. So Yeah, if you are a dad and you feel like you're going through this alone, again, talking to my buddy, said, you are an awesome dad. Everything you're saying, have felt. We're going to figure this thing out together and it won't be perfect. And I'm glad to have this conversation. Reese, I'm curious, how did it go a couple of weeks ago with Noah sitting in my chair trying to take my spot? What you gonna say? Well, how would you describe it? Oh, boy, it was in a word. Routeless. you do the topic that you mentioned to me that y'all were gonna do? ⁓ good gravy. Well, we tried and then we had to scrap that whole like 30 minute section of the podcast. So if it's a little shorter, that's because we spent a lot of it realizing we can't share. I had a great time. was, listen, what is it? Variety is the spice of life. Gosh. life. How will the moms... Be pleased if the intentional fathers don't know how to please their wives in the kitchen. are we going to please the wives in the kitchen? All of the men and women out there with ADHD had the time of their lives listening to Noah and I talk for an hour plus about an array of topics. But like you said, I'm glad to be back. One of the ways that y'all can support us is by asking us a question, giving us feedback on what to talk about, always looking for new ideas, comment. Subscribe, we're on Instagram, we're on YouTube, any place you get your podcasts. We've got it all. ⁓ Lead off today, I'm just gonna read a comment from Lizette. A lady, I'm telling you, the ladies follow. Sorry we couldn't talk about how to please our wives in the kitchen. That will be a different topic for another day. Paper popper. I'm sure what you talked about was good. From Lizette, L-I-Z-E-T-T-E. Has being a dad changed your identity? Friendships and priorities if so, how are you working through it? Do you wanna go first or me. No, ahead. ⁓ I Don't feel like it's changed my identity definitely has changed my friendships and priorities ⁓ How I'm working through it is ⁓ day by day and figuring out figuring it out along the way I would say that I mean, there's just a lot of differences. There's really not as much a ⁓ spontaneity. There's not as much spontaneity to things as there used to be. If someone asks if I can hang out, I gotta run it up the flagpole for like a number of reasons. Call me whipped or whatever. I like to call it decent communication with the person that I love. ⁓ if that's whipped, call me whipped. Yeah, call me whipped. Yeah, just crack. But, ⁓ yeah. I mean, if somebody wants to hang out in the evenings after work and they text me in the morning of, mean, vast majority of the time that's out of the question. Whereas that used to be Pretty normal. And it takes you three days to text someone back. It takes me a long time to text people back. I've got like 100 unread text messages. So if you're in there, I love you. ⁓ My brain has a small capacity for... Will he respond before this is released in two weeks? We'll find out. We'll see. It'll be close. If you get a response, it'll be good one. It will. We've talked about that. not guaranteed. We'll see. What's the over-under? But what about you? Yeah, mean, absolutely friendships based on some of our best friends we've met, like our neighbors through our kids, just spending time together. It is a lot easier to spend time with people on similar schedules. So as you have kids, your schedules change. Priorities, absolutely. Identity is a tough one. I feel like we're in a growing era for dads where it's like that dad life or hashtag girl dad. there's almost some... Identifying as a dad, sense of pride, I love that. Obviously, we're all for taking pride in being a dad. But there's also this challenge of, the language I wanted to share is how do you lose your life without losing yourself? So as a mom or a dad, the challenge is first third of your life, you're trying to find your life. Who do you want to marry? What do you want to be when you grow up? What does it look like to have autonomy, to buy a house? What city do you want to live in? And then you move into your second third of life and it's about losing your life. You have a house so that you can fill it with children or guests or bless people. You have a job and make income so you can spend it on someone else. ⁓ You get really good at a hobby and now it's about including your kids into the things that you love doing. ⁓ it's progressively about you found your life. Now Jesus says like, life is found when you die to self, when you lose your life. But I don't think you need to lose yourself. It seems like semantics. I had a comment on one of our YouTube shorts that I sometimes say word salad, which is just a bunch of things that I had to look it up. Apparently that means we got our first hate comment. Just means you talk a bunch of words that make no sense. But somebody made a comment at you. Yeah, dude. We finally made it. got some You've got haters. So, but I do think it's important. You lose your life, but you don't lose yourself. So don't lose your entire sense of identity. If you have hobbies, enjoy it. If you have friendships that are important, if you need you time. finding that balance. I'm still in the process of trying to figure out how to do those two things. So, I think that's awesome. Well, I'll dive into our first couple of segments. We got Holy Highlight and Should Have Known Better Today. ⁓ Holy Highlight, just something that basically just highlighted the week or past few weeks. These get released at different times. But I had two things ⁓ for... Mother's Day, we went to a place called Wild Birds Unlimited. One of my clients at the gym works there. So Elly Roman and I got to go out there and just see her, see her place of work. And then also we've been looking to get a bird feeder if you're ever over in the, I don't know, it's on 82nd Street. they also And no free shout outs. And no free shout outs, but Wild Birds Unlimited, the to go for all of your bird seed, anything bird related. They've got all sorts of stuff over there. They do not sell birds. Wanna clarify that. Because the first time that I talked to her about her job, I was like, where can I get me a bird? How many birds can I buy? And she's like, well, it's wild birds for a reason. Not selling birds. either way, got to go out there with Elly for Mother's Day and just walk around. I don't know. We don't, I mean, we go to lots of different things, but this felt like a kind of just a little family trip. I don't know. just kind of gave me that sense of like, we're a unit, we're having fun together, we stopped and got some Starbucks on the way there and ⁓ made it special. Yeah, it was Mother's Day. you know, money was no object. No, Just dropping it on Starbucks, Big Bert, the Shepard's Hook is what it's called, thing you stick in the ground, the ground you hang. Yeah, I got me one of them. Yeah, so we got one of those ⁓ and had a great time. Actually, if you don't mind, one of my should have known better is from, is from this. question. Did you feel more pressure on Valentine's Day or Mother's Day this year to get it right? Yes. Good. Pressure's okay. That means you care. Every time. you know, I'm like, how many of these holidays per year? There's a Ryan from the office goes, you know... The guy that can do this like one time a year, what's so special about him? You know what impressed me? A guy who can do this no times per year, but I'm just kidding. My whole beef with it sometimes is that I don't know how to like specially celebrate her ⁓ learning. And I've told her the hope is that every year each holiday will just get a little bit better or at least stay the same. So this time around got her some movie tickets. For a few weeks from now, I got a date night set. that'll be fun. then, ⁓ yeah, went out and got a bird ⁓ let's go. Dads, drop a comment. YouTube, Instagram, what you do for your baby moms. Give us some ideas. We need it. Valentine's Day, birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day. I think those are the big four. Yeah, man. So let's go ahead and start planning for the next one, whenever that is. I think probably birthday. Birthday. Yeah. OK, what you got for Should Have Known Better? Sorry to interrupt. I had to know. You're good. I've got two of both of these, because you know me. Great. I'm not going to pick one. No. But. ⁓ not gonna be limited, but we went to this place, it's like 30 minutes from the house. And if you're a parent, you, especially of like little ones, toddler and younger, or maybe even older, you've got a lot of stuff to pack whenever you go places. ⁓ And we've gotten pretty good at checking the things that we're supposed to pack. And I don't know if I just pulled one of those classic, like I checked the diaper bag earlier that morning before we went somewhere and it had the stuff in it that it was supposed to. and just kind of gave myself the old checkeroo that we were good to go for this trip as well. Roman is now able to get up on my shoulders and I can hold him by his legs, which is way better than the arms. Because when I hold him by his arms, I lose all circulation in mine and then I'm just hosed. Killer pump. Yeah, killer pump. But he was on my shoulders in this this bird store or sorry, I don't know how to describe it. Bird seed store. Yeah, the seed store. ⁓ But he was on my shoulders and he had ⁓ a blowout. So I have poop on my collar. ⁓ And we've been feeding him solids. He hasn't had a blowout in forever. It's just been like normal poop. So the way, if anybody doesn't like talking about poop, just buckle up. It's been a couple episodes. ⁓ owed and I got up two week old. So it's going be wild. We got all sorts of fun stuff to talk about today. ⁓ And you know, it's Mother's Day. I'm like, babe, let me change the diaper. I got this. Not even fazed that he just pooped all over my collar. ⁓ And I take him out there. We're in this like very busy parking lot because it's Mother's Day and this shop is very popular on Mother's Day. Lots of moms apparently like their bird watching and all the accessories. But ⁓ I've got him just butt naked in the trunk of the car, ⁓ changing him and I open up the diaper bag and realize we have no wipes. ⁓ It's one of those blowouts that is, not only is it just like seeping out, it's all over the front as well, if you know what I'm talking about. And you got solids in it too now. ⁓ yeah, lots of carrots and stuff like that just sprinkles around. I this for everyone. And I'm like, okay, this is where, good, this is where we're at. Let's go get them. Out of wipes, good. That's right. So you know, I'm just taking like, clean diapers and just wiping him with these clean diapers. Did you take your shirt off? That's gotta be the only next- I haven't done that yet. But I did debate ⁓ running up to the passenger side seat to see if we had napkins in that glove compartment or whatever it is. But I ended up finding some boogie wipes in there, which I was just digging around for anything I What's a boogie wipe? It was kind of like a regular wipe, but it didn't work as well. ⁓ It's a wipe that has a little bit more saline in it so it can break down boogers a little bit easier. Oh, oh, thought you were saying like- No, genuinely they make something called boogie wipes and it is especially helpful if there are like crusty boogers when they get up from like a nap or something. Okay. It can cut those a lot easier. Y'all love your kids way more than me. I just be putting a little extra water on him. Yeah, that's right. But we ended up getting the job done. It was, it took me about 20 minutes to fully get him changed and back into the store. But- Dude, that's some Big Dad energy too. That could be like three or four segments. Should have known better. Should have remembered to just always got to be diligent with the diaper bag checking. So we know for next time. Yeah, you will. And it will happen again. And you made the best of a bad situation. And I didn't really bother me. I was having a good time. Good. Like I said, it's kind of a flex. Baby, I got it. Good. Don't worry. Cool. You on either one, holy highlight or should have known better. I got one more of each. Okay, yeah, I wrote down for should have known better just hose so we'll we'll get to that in a moment. ⁓ H-O-S-E. Yeah, we'll figure that out. Driving back from the hospital having my third kid. Yes, sir. Holy highlight. Not should have known better. Thank God. Although I thought about it. we push baby Charis out, my daughter, and my wife's a beast and we're having that beautiful moment. Who's WE push? Okay, let me. The cafeteria closed at 2 30 guys that child didn't come out till 11 45 that night. It was hard for all of us. yeah. Didn't have a cafeteria. mean, listen, hold on before you dive into this, I want everybody to know that they were scheduled for an induction induction. Yeah. Early early like five or six o'clock. Five a.m. Five a.m. and they get in the car to drive there in the hospital that shall remain nameless calls. Dude, there's no free shout outs, but I'm about to throw some free shade. Some free shade. Don't throw it just yet. When I'm halfway there at 445, we're praying out loud having, it should have been our holy highlight, and I say amen and we get a phone call. And they're like, hey, we have no room for you here. Mother Mary, get back on the donkey, go back to where you came from. We ain't got spots for And background, background. the hospital that the other, like that Grayson was born at, they basically said to the entire OB-GYN groups that like our wives go to, like, hey, we just care about our name. We don't really care about you all. And so they all moved to this new hospital. Yeah. All the OBs just threw their middle finger up and said, we'll go to a new hospital, which can't now hold all their patients apparently. So they said it'll be another hour and a half. I said, good. I'll get another, I don't know, hour of sleep. Should have known better. It wasn't. They called back about hour and half later said, we don't know when we're going to get you in. So we made the best of it, but we get in around 2:00 man, in all seriousness, like praise God for how incredible of a labor and delivery process through and through. ⁓ yeah, but I was, I was freaking out a little bit when Charis came out and she cried for about an hour and a half straight. Cause none of our kids have done that. was like, Rutt-Roe. Cause that was my fear on a, on a big picture, on a serious note of we've been blessed with two incredible pregnancies, healthy kids. Y'all know this, like where I've had some, just some doom and gloom of like, it's surely gonna happen soon enough. Something bad is gonna happen. Too many good things are happening in my life. it, man, it was just such an incredible process. There were some things in it, I won't go into detail to where it was a little touch and go. Maybe you have to go into a C-section where there was some concern. And just enough to help kind of humble you and keep you sober minded of just how. Delicate of a process and how big of a miracle it is that these these children come out of a human being's body and yeah, so third tour third, baby So such a beautiful worshipful experience and so I had to come home and let out my dog the next day Which was just an excuse to out of the hospital because you're like kind of cramped up and everything was stable We're good. We like go get you some food. Yeah, It's 25 minutes. I took a shower I got some food but um But man, driving home in those 25 minutes where it just kind of all the emotions hit you, because you're nervous, you're anxious as a dad. Again, I had this kind of sense of dread, like something bad is going to happen and my daughter is so healthy and my wife is so healthy. And just having that moment to myself, listening to some music and just breaking down, crying and just saying, thank you God. Because I wasn't convinced we should have a third kid. I borrowed my wife's faith and said, hey, you're 100 % sure we should. And I'm not 100 % sure we shouldn't. And so yeah, man, the holy highlight, I mean, I could go on and on two weeks of paternity leave. I go back to work tomorrow. That's when the real chaos is going to happen. We've had incredible help. We've had incredible meals and support and just family and friends. ⁓ But I would say the highlight was driving back in that moment of worship, just thankful for how good God's been to us. And I know too much suffering in this world, too many hard things that have happened to friends I care about to not. I don't want to take that for granted. Yeah. I think that that's kind and wise just to view it that way. So it's awesome. Good stuff, Yeah. Glad to be back. Really, really glad to be back here with you guys. Obviously a lot more things that I've... You have a lot of time to think. Man, shout out to the stay at home moms because, ⁓ you know, it's a good friend of mine who doesn't have kids yet. He reached out. said, hey, man, is it like just adding one more? Are you in a rhythm? I said, no, dude, I'm like a single dad to two kids and my wife's like a single mom to one kid. getting back into routine, but ⁓ that alone time really with my two oldest with Naomi and Grayson for our listeners four and two, ⁓ you don't know, that has been a highlight this week and a lot of time to just think and reflect as I've not been distracted with my job. And so it's been beautiful, man. So what else you got? ⁓ holy highlight. We men's night for Traders Point. It was awesome. ⁓ Had great time. Got to hang out with some ⁓ like new group of people, one ⁓ of One of my new neighbors has a small group. was there. Well, sorry. He, Elly works with somebody that lives in the neighborhood. different neighbors. Sorry. Yeah. Different neighbor. ⁓ speaking of people who ⁓ all of their kids were in the NICU. So yes, like you said, very, very blessed to have kids. remember meeting that guy. Yeah. Yes. ⁓ but, ⁓ yeah, this neighbor is goes to Traders Point, has a small group at Traders Point. So I went and hung out with them for most of time. I saw Zach and Eli from our Friday morning group there. Fellas, shoot me a text next time. Come on they're just dropping in. Yeah, although I can't talk. I don't shoot text to anybody. My wife gets mad. She's like, why don't you communicate with people? And I'm like, blah, blah, blah. Too busy loving you, baby. Love you, Elly. ⁓ But men's night was awesome. It was a good time. ⁓ Speakers were great. They had Titus donuts at the end of the night. Just great times to had by all. ⁓ But had a lot of fun there. ⁓ night just hanging out with a bunch of guys, worshiping, I got to celebrate a bunch of baptisms, it was great, so really good time. Got to catch up with a lot of people that I hadn't seen in forever. Finally starting to, for those who don't know, Trader's Point is a large church. I grew up in a church with like 250 people, everybody knew me, I knew everybody. Finally getting to the point where I'm running into people that I know at Trader's Point as I walk by places and that just, that makes me feel at home. And there's something crazy about 1800 men. Worshipping yeah, it takes a while let your guard down or first worship song and last worship song a completely different vibe I wound up from the week. It's a Friday But it's but I mean it's special. I was there last year special so really good time and that led into so that was a Friday night and then Saturday I was gonna make you talk about One way or the other so I go to this thing it's by the way It's a Friday. I'm working a full day on Friday and by full day, mean, ⁓ seven AM, seven 30 AM on Friday, this particular Friday till, men's night. So I don't know a 10 hour day, nothing crazy, but going straight from there to men's night. And then men's nights from like five 30, I'm there till 1130. And then the following morning I have a work event that is we signed up to do the 5k for the Indianapolis mini So I wasn't running a mini marathon or anything like that wasn't running at all actually from the south That's a half a marathon. No one calls it that in the south by the way. Yeah, I don't know. mini's a new term It's lame. Yeah ⁓ half marathon. Who's we did you it was just you right? Or did you it was hard down? we so the the anytime that I work for has two locations It's a or run by the same person and there's one downtown location and then there is a Carmel location. I work at the Carmel location. I was the only person going from the Carmel location, but I knew that I had to get up at 5 a.m. the following morning. So it was going to be a very early morning. I knew that so I didn't get much sleep and also I ate four donuts before I went to Carmel load and no fettuccine Alfredo this time around. and I drank plenty of water, but either way, following morning I get up at five, 515 race. I'm supposed to start at 650. I drive down to Indianapolis. There's traffic everywhere because people are trying to show up at, I don't know, six in the morning. like 30,000 people that run this race. Yeah, by the way, I've entered into local 5Ks before and not that I didn't like... expect it to be busier than that, but I did not expect it to be what I witnessed that morning. I mean, you could hear the person with the megaphone from four blocks, five blocks. mean, just way, far people to hell. Yes, pretty much like street preachers. There are a few of those too, but no, just like crazy. The energy was wild. It was actually cool energy. I was, I was eating it up. It was also terrifying because it's like also the energy that you see in every documentary of like ⁓ big like terrorist attacks on cities. It's just like bub buzzing and everybody's going crazy and yeah, but either way it was a great vibe and I get down there and I'm like, you know those bibs you wear with the numbers and stuff like that. I'm looking to pick mine up ⁓ and I see everybody walking around with their bibs on. I'm like cool. I'll just go find the like registration tent and whatnot. Come to find out the registration tent or the place that you pick up your bib was available yesterday or the day before and two days before. So I'm asking everybody, I'm like, hey, where'd you get that? Where'd you get that? And like, I picked it up here and here. Nobody was mentioning the days that they picked it up. They were just like, I picked it up here. So I go to a couple of different places that people mention and there's just nothing going on in these buildings and whatnot. And I realized after, and I had checked my email multiple times, but clearly didn't read the instructions all the way through. And... So I had to pick up my bib the day previous or two days previous. And so I basically just walked around Indianapolis for about an hour and didn't run the 5K. So, and then I went home. The best part of this story is we get a video, because Noah's trained for the last four months as a dad with a relatively newborn and putting in long hours during the day, running at night in the dead of winter. And he's ready to run a half marathon this morning. So he sends, sends a text to Noah and I, because Noah's gonna run like 45 minutes after the 5K starts. And he goes, hey, I hope your race goes better than mine. And then he just does a video of all these people running in front of him. He goes, I'm off to get some donuts at Long's. To recover from the run that I almost ran. So Noah is ⁓ chest up, shoulders back, ripping 13.1 miles, coming home to his wife, proud as can be. You had to have had the tail between the legs a little bit. When I got home, Elly was like, how was the 5k? And I was like, it was awesome for everyone who got to run it. And she's like, you didn't run? And I was like, nope. I was supposed to pick my bib up yesterday, which by the way, once you have a reputation for not being detail oriented with your spouse, you have to put together a 10 to one portfolio of being detail oriented in order to overcome the hump that you've built for yourself. You ruined it in a morning. I ruined it in a morning. It has been cemented into her brain that I am still not detail oriented even though I work my tail off to get better with the planning and details. It made my morning. It was one of the funniest things that's happened to me in a while. And to be honest with you, the only thing I felt bad about was that there was an entry fee and that I... didn't get to connect with the downtown location there and stuff like that and do the running. So I felt bad about that. But other than that, mean, I don't know, I'm a perspective guy. I was like, this is gonna be funny down the road. I'm exhausted rather than ruin a whole day and come home pissed off. ⁓ I'm gonna try and laugh this off and just kind of also realize, like I apologize to my boss and stuff like that. But ⁓ other than that, and he... handled it really well and was kind. Did you get Elly a donut though? ⁓ yeah, I picked up a box of those things from Rise and Roll, the donut holes. ⁓ god. was great. It was a great morning. It good morning. Yeah. I would say that ⁓ it wore off that her husband is a degenerate who doesn't read emails thoroughly. But he's kind. Didn't read that email thoroughly. read some emails. of others. And I can't believe your hamstring didn't act up right around the time you realized that the The bibs weren't there. Listen to me. told you, Dude, the number of times that the little devil on one shoulder just whispered to me, because I tweaked my hamstring a couple weeks prior to that, whispered to me and said, you just retweaked your hamstring. That's why you didn't run this morning. Tell everyone that that's why you didn't run this morning. And I was like, forget that. I'm just going to. Dude, I'm proud of you. Now you got content for the pods. Yeah. So we're all good. It's for the listeners. It's for you guys. Got a story. I mean, we'll forever be able to be like, remember that time that you almost ran that 5K? And Noah ran 13 And Noah ran a half. All Oh my gosh. Let me talk about my hose. Oh my gosh, yes, please. Before we move on. H-O-S-E. Yeah, it is. H-O-S-E. Not as big a deal. So I thought this would be like my big dad energy moment. Madeline's with Charis They're taking a nap upstairs. I'm like, kids, I got to mow the grass. You guys, I did the whole like, I'll mow inside the fence, stay in the fence. Then we go outside the fence, stay into eyesight. And I'm running on four hours of sleep, dude. I'm freaking exhausted. you know they talk about It's like driving drunk if you're driving tired. I don't know if that's right. That should be illegal then. The problem is that drunkenness and tiredness are both on a spectrum. It's exactly right. tired you are and how drunk you are. I should not have been operating. a buzz at all. Don't drink and drive and don't drive tired. I should not have been operating a push mower. I'll put it that way. a riding mower. I'm watching my kids. My neighbor, Kaylee, she split blame with me whenever I was hooking up my new hose here a couple hours ago. ⁓ She split blame because she said, I feel like I distracted you. She comes around the corner with her daughter. I wave to her, I say hi, and I have run over my hose before. And if it's flush enough with the ground, nothing happens. So in my lack of judgment, me trying to be a great dad cutting the grass, me trying to watch the kids, me be a friendly neighbor, you see all the things I'm doing well. That hose was just kicked up just enough. And when I tell you all it takes is just, you just nicking it and it just sucks it in. And my next thought was, how far, how far off the hose is it? Like is it next to the spout? I had like eight feet. So, and it's a really good hose. That's why it's a big deal because my wife's real big into gardening. She was real pumped about this hose. So I immediately threw it away and told her like four hours later in here with, hey, please don't make me feel bad. I'm trying my best. And she didn't. And I bought her the new one. And it's 50 bucks. If you're curious what a good hose costs, that was a $50 mistake. It would have been cheaper for someone to mow my grass. Yeah. Yep. Absolutely. So it's frustrating. ⁓ But same thing. I think I handled it. Transitioned into anger. I would have gotten real angry. don't know who at. My kids, my neighbor, myself, my wife, based on how she reacted, even though she didn't react bad. I was tired. I laughed. I was pissed. And I said, we're going to move forward and this is not going to ruin the day. I should have known better. Don't run over the hose. Coil it up. Be responsible. But I check emails, but I also... Cut corners on things and kind of halfway do things and again, so it's kind of like a sore spot for me I was like, I'm gonna get it you cut corners and halfway do things. Yeah, like projects are on the house. ⁓ I was gonna say, yes I was thinking of you as like a worker and I was like you don't cut corners with anything not things I'm good at things I'm not good That's right. Cool. Hey, we'll transition into talking about Let's do it. Anger, disappointment, how do we as dads? There's endless opportunities to refine this. And there's endless opportunities to do it really well, and it really only takes a handful of you really messing up to really ruin your character in this area. you know, as dads, we're not called to be perfect. I think about a week after this episode launches, we're going to launch an episode I did. with a good friend of mine ⁓ and Morgan shares a lot about, we can't be perfect parents. We talk a lot about asking for forgiveness, how to repair when we make mistakes. So this is not us saying we have to be perfect. But what it is saying is we, I think we can all agree in this room and to our listeners in their car, at the gym, mowing their grass and running over hoses or whatever they're doing, listening to this. This is probably a growth area ⁓ because I've been for I've been more angry. I've been more frustrated, disappointed, throw in whichever descriptive word you want since being a dad than I ever have in my life. And there's times I respond well and there's times I react poorly. since you don't struggle with this, I am curious what parts of your day, what parts of your week do you find yourself, again, anger or any close emotion to that do you see coming up regularly for you? Yeah, well like I said, I don't get angry, but you know, when I get close to it or something like that, you know what, just practical application for you people. You wins. You might get angry at the end of the day, middle of the night, when your son can't communicate his needs. ⁓ Those would be a few of the options. ⁓ But in all seriousness for me, those are the typical moments. And what's funny is there's a big pattern between when I get angriest, when I feel entitled, all of the different things. Like we've asked a form of these questions. When do you feel most entitled? Typically if we're talking about like an emotion that we experience, ⁓ we talk about when do you feel it the most? I feel like for me, there's a big pattern. I feel most of my non-productive emotions or ⁓ potentially harmful emotions at the end of the day. It's because it's when I'm the most tired. ⁓ end of the day might just be a little bit shorter fuse. Not as, I was kind of, I don't pop off at the mouth very often when it comes to being like angry. Normally if I get angry, I normally just sit with it, but ⁓ which isn't always helpful, but certainly more helpful than popping off at the mouth at the people that I love most. So I would say end of the day. then I said middle of the night, just the. Whenever Roman was really young and I expected him to be up every night Yeah I mean I still had moments of gear up like real overwhelm and like anger from that but to be honest with you I was always every night that my head at the pillow I was like there is a real possibility and Likelihood that you will be up in the middle of the night Get ready for it and don't be a tool to your son or your wife in the middle of the night Nowadays, it's like ⁓ Roman sleeps through the night. So when he wakes up, I'm like what an enormous burden ⁓ I'm so angry that you're up right now. ⁓ And then I have to take a second to just be like, man, the kid's crying because he's not doing well for any number of reasons. And then that leads to me being also angry because I'll go in there. Like I had a night this week where I went in there and he was just sobbing uncontrollably tense. My son loves to just like fully extend his legs, embrace his core in a manner that can only be described as like what an Olympic power lifter would break. brace his core with before an exercise. Yes, something like that. mean, I'm serious. I think I have never done this. I think I could punch his stomach as hard as I could and he would just be absorb it and be fine. But it can be really dysregulating for me. Obviously he's not doing well because I'm just like, dude, I don't, I don't know. Like, I don't know what you want. I've given you your pacifier. And you've talked about riff more on. my son not being able to tell me what he needs. So Grayson's two and a half and he's still really, he's speaking a lot better, but he's still struggling to really put into words what he needs. And that's really hard, I would say for dads with kids three and under. And again, it's not, it was different when he was a little younger, cause I really felt like there were three things that he needs. And if we go through that checklist, then we can worry, but almost always, not every time, but the vast majority of the time we could pinpoint like, This is probably the issue. And if he keeps crying, he had like some digestion problems when he was younger or gastrointestinal problems. So if he kept crying, we kind of just chalked it up to it's that. And if it really doesn't go away, then maybe it's something else like in your. When you don't know what your kids have, it's got to be gas. Yeah, it got to be gas. just kind of your wife feel better that there's a solution to be maybe had by identifying a problem. It's gas. My favorite thing is that when your kid does have an issue like a gastrointestinal problem or whatever it is that there are products for it, like gas drops. You can put them in their bottles and stuff like that. And then if you do research on them, it's just like a massive question mark whether they do anything at all. But because you're desperate, you're like, I will give any amount of money for whatever. Sure. I'm like, I don't care if it's placebo. We'll tell him that they're gas drops before we start putting them in his bottles, whatever the case may be. Anything to make me feel like I did something. you're desperate. But yeah, when he can't communicate with me, a lot of times that parts during the day, if he... We're trying to teach him some sign language, literally just more. It's all I want him to be able to do is just tell me what he wants. Like I want some more of that. He doesn't even need to have good manners. He doesn't even need to know please yet. We'll get that down the road. But ⁓ instead he just flails his arm uncontrollably and screams at me. And I'm like, all right, eat your chicken. Here you go. So yeah, those are, those are some of them. I'm trying think if there was anything else before I pass it off, but why don't you go ahead and ahead now. I don't know if you all. but a lot of times I find when anger revolves around kids, at least right now, it feels like it's the, it almost always is the straw that breaks the camel's back. There's something else that I'm angry about, often times having to do with urgency or like, I have a deadline I gotta go do, whether that is a self-imposed deadline or a deadline I'm assuming that my wife is imposing, even if she hasn't necessarily said so, and then the moment that I trip over something that the kids have left out or, ⁓ Something happens Mason has to poop and refuses to poop and so we have a poop standoff and he is the most sensitive person on the face of the planet anything like that it feels it it It feels like it's the the trigger that then sent it past the I'm kind of stewing about something to I am now angry about something That's when when I think of anger related to kids. That's where it feels like well kids slow you down from your objective dude like yeah when ⁓ I'm angry in the middle of the night because I want to go back to bed. Yeah So if you keep crying, I don't get to go back to bed. And it's like, we know we can't just fix our wives, you know we're fixers as men? Kids are like 10 times as deaf. Like the more you try and fix it, a lot of times the worse you make it if you're trying to rush the process. I the wife thing, I you can't fix perfection. That's right, that's exactly right. Good save there. Call back to last episode, it's the interruptions, like for me. to what you're saying to your point. feel like your kids could do it nine times out of 10, but on that 10th time, it's in a circumstance where you feel rushed or urgent. ⁓ then that's the time where it really just sets you off. Another thing that I'm noticing is when I feel out of control. So any time where I have said something three or four times, and when my kids go up to get ready for bed, they get more hype. I don't know what happens. As soon as I brush their teeth, they go crazy. to the point where last couple of weeks I had to put them down one at a time because usually Madeline and I go up together and she had to stay downstairs and we're going up and down the stairs after giving birth. so I was like, I can't do this alone because they just wrestle and they go crazy. And yeah, those are the times where I just get really dysregulated because I'm out of control. And that's the times to be honest, where I feel the desire to be. physical. Yeah, man. And you don't even realize like you, ⁓ I am grabbing your shoulder a little firmer or I am speaking a little louder because the third and the fourth and the fifth time didn't work. There is a place I think to as the dad of the household have authority. Yeah. Where you need to respect authority. I am your father. You need to respect me. I you to respect your heavenly father, to respect your coach one day and your teacher and your boss. And it has to start with respect and authority. But then you can also abuse that. Anytime there's authority, there's tons of in our own lives and in our listeners' lives, times where authority's been abused. So that's where my struggle is of when I feel out of control is because you can't control human beings. I'm trying to disciple them towards respecting authority, but I get angry when I'm like, man, I've tried this the godly way long enough. We're about to start cracking skulls because it's not working. Well, I just think that everyone would be better if they acted the way I wanted them to. Yeah, well, they would. But honestly, for kids, it's kind of true. The big thing I'm pushing for Naomi is you can trust me right now. If you'll listen to me, stuff will be better and we'll let her nuance that out as she gets older because I'm not right all the time but for now there's a lot of truth to that. There's a reason why you're saying something. When you're instructing, hey, I need you to do this but there's a reason for it but you don't always have the time. And goes back to that urgency thing of like, yeah. I don't have the time to tell you. I need you to trust me but she's almost five going on 15 and she wants that explanation and sometimes it does help but. So I would say evenings, I'm tired, I'm losing control ⁓ whenever I'm interrupted. I'll share a quick example of that. ⁓ was, my buddy Kyle dropped a comment on Instagram, I can say his name, because it's on there on our Instagram, responding to how do we know we're hearing from God when we're in quiet time and prayer. I listened to, I had some texts with him, he sent me a 15 minute Marco Polo, which is just like a video chat. So I could do that while I was at the park with the kids. So I could listen and make sure my kids weren't falling off the monkey bars and kind of playing with them. Anytime you try and multitask, your kids know it and they just want your attention. So I literally was like, bro, I can promise you this, this is going to be like 12 different messages because I'm going to about 30 seconds in, even though the last 15 minutes they did just fine. And when I tell you, I started getting so angry. In my last message, I did have enough awareness to say, hey man, I'm just, I'm getting upset. So I'm going have to do this later. But um. Yeah, man, just the interruptions where you're just like, I just wanted a few minutes to myself, but I should have known better. That was not the place for me to do that. I needed to have some scheduled time. So that makes sense. There's something underneath the anger. So let's talk about that. And we've kind of alluded to it. ⁓ If you're a good Christian, like my wife, you say you're not angry, you're frustrated. Of course. ⁓ But The anger is not the primary emotion a majority of the time. Sometimes it is. You cut me off in traffic with my kids in the backseat, I'm angry. I'm not sad or disappointed or embarrassed. I'm mad. But a majority of time, there's one of those other things. I'm curious, what are some things underneath ⁓ the anger that you just present it as anger, but a lot of times you don't realize there's something else going on? I wrote down quite a few things because it's different seasons. Sometimes one of them... presents itself more often or more frequently depending on the season of life for me. But I wrote down like helplessness, feeling helpless in a situation. So natural response is just, I'll just get angry about something and lash out that way. Cause I don't feel like, again, kind of a control thing. I don't feel like control is always the, or like one of the bigger ones for me, almost to a fault where I'm just kind of like whatever happens, almost a passivist, just, is that the right term? Yeah, passivity. Yeah, passivity. ⁓ But ⁓ not good enough, that's again, not an emotion necessarily, but feeling like I'm not good enough. I'm trying my best. Like how many dads just throw up their hands, I'm freaking trying my best. Yeah, so like an example of this was last week actually, same example, Roman woke up in the middle of the night and was crying uncontrollably. ⁓ we've talked about this a few times. If you don't make a plan the night before, it just leads to frustration. ⁓ we hear Roman, Elly and I hear Roman on the monitor and we both just lay there for. X amount of minutes and before she just goes, so am I going to get him? Which by the way, if my wife says, so am I going to get him out of anger and spite, I'm going to get it. I'm like, forget it. I'm like, you're staying in bed, go back to sleep. I'm going to get the kid because I'm to be the hero. And then tomorrow. I'm gonna just, I don't actually throw it in her face. Normally by the morning I've calmed down and I'm level headed, but in middle of the night I'm like, everyone is an enemy of mine in the middle of the night. So I go in there, I pick him up and normally he's crying cause he has woken up and then dropped his pacifier outside of the crib. And he sees it and he's just like holding onto the bars crying. So I pick him up, put his pacifier back in. I change his diaper cause he is eating solids. So I think that his His stool is irritating him ⁓ as well. So I change him. He's still crying uncontrollably, but I'm like, I'm not going to get Elly. I'm just going to keep holding him and rocking him and jumping up and down and practical application. I did get angry. So I set him down and then I like shook uncontrollably and like grabbed onto a piece of like wooden furniture and just like gripped the life out of it. And then I just breathed for a few seconds and picked him back up and went back to just. singing lullabies and rocking him so that hopefully he wouldn't feel like I wanted to squeeze the life out of him instead of the furniture. But he didn't stop crying. And then Elly opens the door. I'm seeing Red when she opens the door, she's coming in. She's coming in to help. She's like, hey, do you want some help? I'm just like immediately, no, no, I don't want any help. Go back to sleep. And she's like, I can't sleep. And I'm like, then what's the point of me even being in here? so I'm just, I'm- Honestly, dude, whenever Charis has been up, I take her up and I come downstairs cause I'm like, we're both not going to be up right now. And it's easier for me to do that cause she's having a hard time from like 10 to 130 because Madeline's breastfeeding all throughout the night now. It's not, it's not the same situation where, you know, Elly, it's a lot easier for you to be supportive knowing your, cause your wife's in the trenches for majority of the time. But, but yeah, when you're both up and it seems like one of them for no reason, dude. Listen to me. because Elly's such a light sleeper and because she has way more of that like mom attachment. Like if I knew that Roman wasn't gonna cause himself like long-term damage by crying, once they told us that like he could cry for more than a few minutes and it's not gonna like raise his cortisol levels and hurt him, when he cries I'm just like, it just does not hit me the same way that it did whenever I knew it was gonna hurt him in the long term or anything like that. But this time he had been crying for a little while. So like I was glad that we went in there and stuff like that but. Oh man, I jumped on her way too fast. I was just like, why am I even in here? Uh, you should have just gotten up to begin with because I would be asleep right now. There's no reason for us both to be up at the same time. And then she sat down with him as I like stormed out of the room and she's like, Hey, I'm just trying to help. And then I went and on the couch and just prayed for like 10 minutes. And I was like, God, I need you to forgive me. I'm just like angry as all get out. So I stayed up till she walked back in, apologized. Then we actually were. and went back to sleep, but man, ⁓ I was not in control of myself or did not act, did not choose to control myself that evening and I was not happy about it. So. Appreciate the ownership in that. I appreciate the quick repair. Yeah. That's a great example. ⁓ One thing I found is when I'm embarrassed, I have anger. So my kids do something dumb, not like age appropriate dumb, like when Grayson handed me a turd in the church. ⁓ That was hilarious. I'm talking like true embarrassment. Like my kids did something and then I did not parent. I didn't respond correct and then they did something even back again. And now I'm like, we both look stupid. ⁓ Or your wife catches you. ⁓ Sometimes as a dad, like, I wish I had another run at that. I didn't discipline that the right way. And it's not like a real bad. And if no one saw it, you're like, that's not a big deal. Like we get it right 90 % of the time. But when someone catches you saying the wrong thing or having the wrong tone or giving that extra cookie when you weren't supposed to or whatever it may be, that's when you're like that fight or flight. kicks in and embarrassment is one word that shames another. Yeah, shame on there. Was it the habits of the household where he calls out or I think it is where the when your kids do something and it's in front of other people you often respond in kind of an angry format. your ego comes out like crazy. Exactly. It's not about what the kids have done. No. It's about I'm worried in the way that I am being perceived by other people. Oh yes. That a lot of, because you're like, are they thinking that I'm going to be, that I am a bad parent? I feel like I am putting off, like I don't care about my children or ⁓ don't know the backstory, so I can't, but I don't have time to explain it. And then I get frustrated ⁓ angry because of all. And the way that you can know this is happening is because then parents start talking to their kids in a non age appropriate way, because what they're actually doing is talking to the audience around them. ⁓ so you guys know. I discipline my kids. They don't act like this. Now Naomi, we don't do this. And if you do it again, we're going to do it this way. big performance. Honestly, it makes me more uncomfortable than when they just get down on the kids level and just ⁓ like, Gently, just like a gentle chat. And there's no need to apologize when your kids are acting like this to the people around you. ⁓ It's development. are literally, their brains are developing and you are. I have so much respect for when parents engage in hard things. And we have some friends where they're their kids will lose their mind in our house. And the way they respond ⁓ is just so wonderful and beautiful. so that's for me is ⁓ it's probably shame or embarrassment, ego, whatever you want to call it, is a way that, man, that's when my anger comes out of control. ⁓ Real quick, before you move on. I won't move on. What you got? You ever watched the Tooth Fairy with Dwayne Johnson, Dwayne Johnson on it? Probably 15 years ago. All right. For anyone who hasn't seen, I wrote this down because I, it's so funny. When I read these questions, the number of TV shows and movies that come to mind with practical examples, he's a hockey player for those who don't know who turns into the tooth fairy through a number of fantastical events. ⁓ But either way, he's hockey player that's like kind of on the end of his career, is not happy about it, and he ends up having a terrible day at work and he comes home and he talks to his... significant other who has two kids that are not his and one of them is a teenager who plays guitar and has like these big dreams of being a rock star basically and Dwayne Johnson is a professional hockey player who knows how difficult it is to be at the top level and Is there also a realist so like the first time the kid ever mentioned it to him? he's kind of just like a hey, man, there's like a billion kids out there who all love playing guitar and even if you're the best in this town like There's another kid in another town who's way better than you are. And there's just like not much of a shot. But eventually he kind of like warms up to it. But he has this bad day at work and he pulls into the parking lot and his significant other and their and her kids are there. And the kids got his guitar and he's got a talent show the next day. And Dwayne gets out of the car and he's just like, oh, great. And this kid goes, hey, I feel like I need to get a session in and I need to practice because he's been practicing with Dwayne. And Dwayne's just like, you don't need to practice. Let me tell you something. You're never going to be a rock star and just like kind of gets mad at him. The kid, yeah, crushes his spirits. And I thought, and I remember that was the first thing that popped in my head. And I read that question. What's under the emotion or like, what is the emotion underneath the anger? He had a bad day at work. His like identity was in his, was in his hockey playing abilities or whatever. And because he had a bad day where it seemed like, I don't know, I don't remember. It's been a long time since I've seen it, but either his career was in jeopardy or something like that. He just came home and he took it out on whoever was around. So absolutely. Yeah, absolutely and and there's there's moments to Even have like there's deeper discussions when you screw up in that way to where you look at your kids and say hey Let me I don't think we need to give our kids our burdens all the time if we've had a hard day But that's where you can peel still sometimes peel the curtain back a little say hey daddy said kind of hard day daddy has our days too and It's gonna happen that that is going to happen to you this week Like it's you're gonna have a hard day and you're gonna be tempted whether you it or not to take it out ⁓ I feel for men, I'm very certain of this, because when I identified this in me a few years ago, I've not been able to think about it differently. I think for men, we primarily express negative emotions as anger, when really it's something closer to grief or sadness. I know this because I loved my job in ministry for five years for a variety of reasons that I won't share publicly on this podcast. resigned, went into real estate. As all good former dropout pastors do of course was doing well doing so well when I went on vacation I couldn't disconnect on vacation and I just kept getting all these phone calls and emails and stuff because you just have to work all the time in real estate And I was just angry dude. I was angry. I was so angry that I couldn't my wife was angry at me I was working all this and I was on this walk on the beach and I realized it's because I was sad that all these things have I was like all of a sudden I was like and mad in my head at all the people at the church that had hurt me. And I hadn't grieved that appropriately. And now I was angry at them, and now I was angry at my job and the circumstance, and I didn't have kids, or if I did, Naomi was real young. I probably would have taken out on her if she was around in that moment. And there's just a lot of times it's grief underneath that we have not grieved appropriately, and because of that it comes out in anger. tons of other stories in my life, but the more that I've learned to grieve appropriately or just name something as disappointing or name that as, ⁓ man, that was really hard. ⁓ I don't have to respond in anger. So what I'm curious about Reese is for fatherhood specifically, what expectations have not been met or what disappointments have you experienced that maybe you've grieved or not grieved well? Because I think dads are going to be able to relate to this. And as we can name disappointments and name expectations that have not been met, that might help us lean towards grief instead of anger. Yeah. I thought about this one for a little bit. I really try with many things, but especially fatherhood, not to have too many expectations going into them. Cause I've lived a life where I've realized expectations while good, if they're not appropriate or... can lead to lot of disappointment. I just put down pretty much the only expectation that I tried to enter into fatherhood with was that I would be the father. check. You are the father. I am the father. I've seen some pictures of me as a kid and some pictures of my son and I am most certainly the dad. Yes sir. But one of the bigger things that, again, I had to rack my brain for this one. The surprise was the and I've maybe mentioned this before, the immediate bonding. I assumed that my bond with my son, honestly, when Elly told me that she was pregnant, would be as high as it'll ever be and that it will stay there at that level and never go down or up. It'll just be at peak bond forever. ⁓ And I realized very quickly that while I was like theoretically attached to my son or emotionally attached to my son, the level was. Way down here compared to what it is now. And then I also assumed that once he was born, then it would get to that peak level and it would stay that way. But as he develops more personality and I spend more time with him, which I don't know why I assume this, you spend more time with someone you love, typically the bond just grows a little bit more and more. Dude, moms get all this oxytocin flooded all into them to help with the milk letdown response, and that's the bonding chemical. As dads are sitting there like, bro, that thing looks crazy. Yeah, for sure. Why ain't he moving? It's blue and red and white. He only makes noise when he's ticked. won't smile at me. But it takes time with each of my three kids now. Like each one's taken like, know it'll come with Charis, that deep, deep bond. ⁓ it's taken time. It really is. Yeah. And then I would say like one other big thing for me was the ⁓ The fear that something would happen to him. I was not thinking that that would really I just don't Long time I just have never really cared about the concept that like I could die at any moment ⁓ or that Someone that I maybe not didn't care. That's the wrong term I have accepted that all of the people that I'm close with could die and it doesn't mean that I won't have to grieve or go through the emotions of someone passing but just like I feel like I've gotten to a point where the reality of life is that the people you love will pass away and eventually I will pass away. So I have never had someone that comes up in my mind as frequently as he does like, wow, I could lose him. So it doesn't like rule my thinking, but I would say a few times a week it pops into my head that like, when I said goodbye this morning, that could have been like the last time. Whether I'm going or he's going so that surprised me. I was not expecting that to be Part of it so and on a joyful note there. What about you? It's terrifying For my marriage there's been aspects. I've had to grieve because it's changed Yeah, dude for sure and there's there's depths of it and there's beauty of it and coming off of Mother's Day just man like We had a friend gift us with some in-home photographs of our family and just like looking at my wife with her kids like there's just a beauty and a depth to that. But you grieve the spontaneous dates. You grieve the, ⁓ like you don't laugh and goof off as much because you're tired or you have to talk about the practicals. You grieve some relationships that you used to spend time with people but now practically you can't spend time with them as much just because of some of the limitations. Yeah, grieving aspects of marriage, not marriage altogether, but aspects of marriage. And then I would say the same thing's true with my career. I mean, there's a lot that God's done, again, more in a lifetime, less than a week than I want, but He'll do more in a lifetime. But I've had to kind of grieve the fact that I got to keep some in the tank so that I can be a great dad. ⁓ I can't go full throttle, and I used to. And I was probably going to face burnout, so it probably saved me from that. You're not drinking enough caffeine. Yeah, that's right You're an American about to go 100 % everywhere There is no end to the amount of the capacity that you have 40 days off it and my tolerance is down here But then my intakes here, it's been wild talk about anger. We'll talk about that another time dude when you drink too much caffeine You get fidgety. Yeah, you're in trouble. You best talk fast if you you better get your point across there better not be any rambling or no, um So yeah, just kind of grieving that. And then we've talked about like vacations and hobbies, like the way vacation's different. And again, there's levels to the things I get to do with my kids and share. And as we get older, we'll get to share more, but you grieve some of the changes. Hobbies, I took my daughter, she sat in a deer stand for an hour and a half last fall. How beautiful is that? But I grieve, you you talk about like, got to... If you want to ruin something, like have to be home at a certain time or like have like responsibilities or having to check your phone and make sure stuff's going okay. But that's the reality of where I'm at. It's such a... One of the most fair questions that my wife asks me on regular basis is when will you be home? And every single time that she asks me it, I want to scream uncontrollably. You're angry, but you're also sad because you know it's never going back. Yes. And it's not Elly's fault. And yes, and the realization that... It's a fair question. a fair question. to like pick apart about like why she shouldn't be asking me that. Until your kids can drive, it will be that. Yes. It's a fair question. And it also is like something that you can head off if you think about it. Yeah. Speaking of mostly to you and me. We need help with that. But like all of sudden, it's another layer of things that you have to, you have to think about. You have to now be thinking four steps ahead instead of like, ⁓ today we'll just kind of figure out today versus I need to know three days in advance. the thing that I'm gonna do in the evening, it's going to end at this time so that we can plan so that someone can take care of the kids as needed. And if that's her, that she is set up for the expectation. And I'm not just throwing that on her. Which is wildly appropriate. again, the reason why this is so difficult, I don't like the things that I like in small doses. Yeah. Part of being an adult is learning how to deal with that and figure that out. But when I tell you that I moderately like cornhole, moderately, it's not even something that I would say is like something that I really enjoy doing. But I'm like, There's some cornhole play. When I tell you that once we start, I don't want to stop for the next eight hours, other than to grab some barbecue or a drink or something like that. That's what I'm talking about. So whenever I leave the house, which doesn't happen as often anymore, and it's with, when, it's not even when will you be home? When abouts when you'll be home? She even gives me like the pleasure of like picking a range or something like that. And I just have to sit there and process and be like, this is a good question. I should probably like. I'm like, when would it be good for me to be home? And so, yeah. It's important to process through. I'm grieving it takes me 20 minutes to get my kids in and out of a minivan right now. That's insane. ⁓ But I can be sad about that and accept it, or I can get mad and not plan for it and not change. Do you remember what I asked you right before you got married? asked you- You know what you're doing ⁓ It's not sexting I have to be next episode if you had grieved the fact you did yeah You're moving into a season of being married which I was like dude He's gonna think this is weird which by the way you were asking a former version of Reese who grieved nothing Yeah ever no one teaches you don't usually have a there's not enough life for most people That's not true for all stories to grieve at 22, but I wasn't thinking Deeply enough at that point in my life to ever get to the point, like I had had a couple big life transitions from like high school to college, moving out of the house. None of the times that that happened, did I ever grieve the previous season because I was just thinking, here and now, this is what we got going on, good stuff, let's figure it out. So there was a wisdom to that that was very helpful. Because grief's not just a loss of life or a loss of job, it's a loss of anything. And you can simultaneously have loss of something good and gain something good. You can process it, grieve it, but also just celebrate that that's what it was. Celebrate that. Capstone it. So dad, that might have to be some of your fatherhood journey. We did that before Charis was born. Madeline and I both, talked, hey, what do need to grieve? We're grieving the fact that we have just two kids and we give extra attention to them. But we're also welcoming Charis into our family and there's been beautiful aspects of it and we're so glad we chose that. Positive twists. Give me something positive here. Reese as we kind of start moving towards some practicals. We gotta keep this under an hour. I gotta go to work for the first time in two weeks. I gotta get four hours of sleep. yeah, where are we at? Something positive. Like, are there any healthy ways that you've dealt with anger? Might be. Yeah. Does it help you to be angry to squat more? Like weightlifting for sure is a great way to get rid of some anger. ⁓ Honestly. It's true. Yeah, it's great. ⁓ There's a lot of real research on that that I can't quote and don't. I got you, wait. Go ahead. I mean lifting for sure. The problem is that most of time that you mess up with anger, it's reactive. Like it's not, sorry, maybe I'm speaking too generally. For me most of the time, if I'm gonna mess up with anger, it's gonna be reactive. It's not gonna be a, I'm angry, ⁓ I'm gonna go hit some weights and then come back to it. So I think that for me in the moment, ⁓ One thing that I think I do annoyingly well is I will make the person that I'm angry at that typically, mean, to be honest with you, it's gonna be Elly and me most of time, because that's, live with her. if I'm gonna be angry at somebody, most of the time it's the two of us and it's a miscommunication about something. I've gone through ebbs and flows of being really good at this and not as good at it. I'll just say it, I'm like, hey, I'm irrate I could like put my head through the drywall right now and there's nothing that's going to come out of my mouth for the foreseeable future that's going to help either one of us. So if you're cool with it, I'm just going to like... say it calmly. Yes. Yeah. Just like the same tone that I'm saying it to you right now. I'm telling you this because I love you. I will not love you with my words well unless I get a few minutes to just kind of breathe and think about this. And here's what it is. You think when you're louder or you say it more emotive or even more derogatory, you're trying to manipulate someone. with those things to get what you want instead of just lovingly communicate where you're at, trusting them that they will hear you and respect you for you. So honestly, sometimes it's stuff like, it could even be something that she's calling me out for, which by the way, if you wanna get angry, have someone call you out for something that you actually do, or like that you're actually, that they're correct on. Immediate response, ego responses to resist it and defend it. Most of the time it's way better if you just say, I'm. really angry and I'm not ready to respond to that because I feel attacked. But to be honest with you, it's a valid criticism. I just need a second to process it before I approach you. Otherwise, it's going to be you're not going to get a calm level headed response. man. Yeah, just a little buffer. And a follow up on that. To do that well, to be able to have that conversation, much like we've talked about it multiple times, you got to have a plan for it. like you in the middle of being absolutely livid. is not gonna be the best time for your wife to hear for the first time. need, like I can't respond to you, I need a minute. Yes. Like you wanna have these conversations when you all are not angry and be like, when I am ticked off, I don't necessarily have the words to say at the moment. excuse me. Don't be surprised when I have, when I need to take a moment. That doesn't mean that I'm trying to just run away from what we're doing. Yes. You're not stonewalling. And what's hard is you're not avoiding. You're not avoiding. But when you have multiple children, yes, you will also want to prep for that. That if like if she knows you're ticked or if you know that she's ticked and she needs a minute, you're probably going to have to take the kids while you are ticked. You're going to have to take the kids for a minute so that she can breathe or vice versa. versa. For sure. Dude, you freaking nailed that. And that was some of the advice I gave my buddy that when we started this episode. I said, you gotta tell her on the front end because I once just said, I need a minute and I walked away because I did. And when I say a minute, literally probably 120 seconds, two minutes max, you know? But she didn't know if I was coming back. She didn't know exactly what happened. Was she supposed to close the whole discipline situation that was happening? Was she stalling? How mad was I? We, since then she got. rightfully kind of upset how I left it hanging. I wasn't in a great place to talk with her and my kid at that place. I was still trying to regulate enough to where could talk with my kids. Dads, it's okay to have two minutes. Just tell your wife and don't abuse it and you're not using it to avoid anything. But to your point, say on the front end and say, I need two minutes. I come into this room all the time. That's our timeout chair. I be sitting, I be putting my A in timeout all the time. Family show. Cause I, that's right. I need 120 seconds. ⁓ to do what I'm about to share with y'all, react respond prayer in a moment before we wrap up, but ⁓ tell your wife ahead of time and give her the same permission as well. And it might be the moment you walk in the door where she goes, tag, I need five minutes to breathe because I'm about to lose it. Why can't we live in the UK where cussing isn't even like a bad thing. It's just like a recreational part of the language. It's Had a conversation about that today, but. ⁓ there was one other thing before you go to react respond that I was going to say, ⁓ which that I experienced this all the time. I'm a very high emotion person, but you wouldn't always know that because I don't typically just like, I'm not high emotion in the sense that I express the high emotion. just experience a lot in my head all at once and in my, ⁓ in, my body. So like when I'm angry, I can feel it. My toes, like I, I'm angry in a way that I can feel adrenaline just like pumping through my veins. ⁓ hence the like setting Roman down and just shaking uncontrollably. ⁓ The thing that I constantly forget is that almost all emotions, they have an attachment to like your body, the physical. So it's trying to get out. Your anger wants to get out, your stress wants to get out. It is like trapped inside you. like, that's the reason why people make jokes. Like don't be pushing stuff way down and just like never processing it or anything like that. So I would say finding healthy ways to let it get out again. There's gonna be certain things in the moments that you can't do. Like you can't just say, hey, I'm hitting a workout or unless you've talked about that beforehand, obviously, but with your spouse or anybody that you're angry with, but yeah. You can scream into a pillow. screaming into a pillow is a great one. You can do some pushups. go for a five minute walk. Especially like if it's with your kids who don't know that you're sure that you're like as angry as you could possibly be and they're like why is dad doing pushups? Yeah, that feels like the best way to defuse an argument. You are just absolutely like steaming and then you drop down and do pushups and everyone's like what is happening? The noise like the screaming into a pillow thing. I haven't done that recently. I used to do that all the time. But one thing that I'll do is Roman will dysregulate me through all the noise that he makes sometimes. So what I'll do is to get some of that out, I'll just match whatever he's doing and he'll think it's hilarious. And I'll I don't know if that's a bad no, sorry. I don't mean that as like a, I don't mean like I get angry at him, but like if I noticed my, I guess this wouldn't be anger. I'm just like a game. I'm just dysregulated. So I'm just like, I gotta do something. yeah, yeah. So I just make a loud sound effect or something like that. And that's me. It gets a little bit of that stuff out, but yeah. Emotions are, they want to get out. They don't want to be stuck in. They don't want to be stuck inside or anything like that. we it's so so good We read on Madeline. I read about a year ago. I think it's called raising emotionally strong boys We will we'll link it in the description sissy Goff and David something. I don't know. Authors don't matter. No, it's looking it up ⁓ I was reading it and I was like bro. I wish I knew this about myself ⁓ About 25 years ago two main things one is naming your emotions. So you got you got to use your your your head. You can't just be a meathead, you know, just moving all the right head. The right head. That's right. The one above your shoulders. And I'm going talk about naming your emotions. And this is how teaching your kids this. And the other one is boys have to move their body. And ⁓ so we have taught our kids that of, how do you feel? Grayson almost always says sad. He's going to have more words. Naomi will say embarrassed, confused, all these different things. ⁓ And that is extremely important. then also boys just need to, dude, we're going to have, we have, we have corners. It's right over here. It's the emotion corner they go into and they feel and they do activities and stuff. It kind of works, kind of don't, I don't know. We're still figuring out. But when they get older, like Grayson will, we're teaching them, go do some squats, go walk outside, go yell into a pillow. Now you got to remove yourself. You can't be like in a big group acting crazy like that. ⁓ But that was so helpful for Madeline. because she's not a boy. And it's true for everyone, in how we're made by God and how our body processes stuff with fight or flight and freeze and all that. But man, for boys, I think it's different. So how much more for men to have a regular discipline, not just a reactive, but your planned out time of exercise? Because when I go three days without 30 to 60 minutes of exercise, my irritability, man, like it's not an excuse that I haven't exercised so I can be a jack wagon, but it just... It just gives me a capacity to handle that stuff more. Now again, that's the physical. It's not just physical. Our bodies are not just physical in that way. But I think for men and for boys, if you're leading boys, it is extremely important to teach them disciplines of exercise and physical expression for anger. Yeah. That's how Rich Froning Jr. won four CrossFit Games championships. What'd you say? That's how Rich Froning Jr. won four CrossFit Games championships. He had to get it all ⁓ out. they do documentary his wife's like yeah if he doesn't work out at least two or three times a day I don't even want to be around that's not a direct quote but yeah point of clarification sissy Goff did the forward ⁓ she wrote one for the girls David Thomas David Thomas I got David right so sissy sissy wrote one for ⁓ essentially raising girls ⁓ if you're interested in that I haven't read that one yet I probably should Madeline has and said it's really good so ⁓ yeah we'll link to both of those is raising worry-free girls. Yeah, raising worry-free girls. My wife speaks very highly of it. I don't, I haven't read it, so I can't say anything. But we'll link to both of those in the show notes. So that's the physical, we got into the physical, the emotional is naming your emotions because there's something underneath it other than anger. And if you can take time proactively to know how you're feeling before your day ramps up, whether that's journaling, whether that's looking back at your previous day, whether that's talking to God, whether that's talking to friends, that's why community is important. Talking to chat. talking to chat, GPT, whatever. I don't know. That is extremely important. But then also in the moment. So let me tell you a quick practice. This is from cognitive behavioral therapy. So you could sit down with a therapist and they'll do this with you. I could sit down with you one-on-one as a friend and do this with you, but you can do it in your own time. Go for a walk, ⁓ talk to God in the morning. And it's simply this, ⁓ mature men are those who respond in all situations. We do not react. We are the thermostat of our homes. We are not the thermometers. We are not going to react. We are going to set the tone and all things. But in order to do that, you have to identify where you are and where the temptations to react are. So four things. This is super simple. Y'all can memorize this. You can memorize it. I feel blank. And you just name how you feel. I feel disappointed. I feel pissed off. I feel confused. I feel angry or frustrated or lonely or fill in the blank. And I want to react by. screaming, by leaving, by ⁓ having a tizzy fit and just not talking to anyone the rest of the night, by drinking too much, by eating too much, whatever it is. I feel blank, I want to react by blank, but the truth is, and that's where the cognitive behavioral therapy comes in where it's all about centering on truth, but for us it's centering ourselves on the truth of God. But the truth is, God loves me and is with me in this, so I don't need to control my kids because he's in control. God knows about anger. He knows about anger, bro. He knows what it's like to be angry and not sin. But the truth is, if I raise my voice, it's going to make this situation worse. But the truth is, ⁓ this may not go as planned, but I'm still a good dad. So whatever you need to center yourself on in truth, and then the fourth line is this, so I will respond by. So I will respond by taking a deep breath. So I will respond by asking for help. So I will respond by telling my kids for the fifth time to do something, even though they didn't the first four. They know that a man who is gentle and who is patient is the example they need of what it looks like to have strength through gentleness. ⁓ So again, I feel blank. I want to react by blank, but the truth is blank. So I will respond by this. Man, this has been so helpful in the 30 second breath prayers when I'm carrying my son or daughter upstairs to discipline them ⁓ so that I can respond instead of react. I know we've talked about this before. Curious your experiences with it or Noah. About React and Respond Pair? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if I've used this exact template before. I've done a, like, a version of this before. For me, it's, it just kind of helps me reset. It involves and brings God into it intentionally. Obviously, He's going to be a part of it whether you bring Him into it or not. It's a great point. But I think that God loves to be invited, and I think that it does me a world of good to invite Him into things. So, and it just, again, it doesn't make, it makes me, It lets me process with someone who's completely unbiased, isn't gonna be there to condescend me. ⁓ I've said for a long time, I think one of the best things that married couples can do is take almost any high emotion thing to God before they bring it to their spouse. ⁓ So ⁓ yeah, I've had a great experience with it. I need to do it more often. So yeah. I do it some prescriptively. Like ⁓ I just, I've had a hard week. I need to sit down and... talk about this with God. I'll just rip two or three emotions and then like I said some of it's just in the moment and some of it's hindsight where I felt this and I reacted by this and the truth is this so I should have responded this way and it becomes almost like a confession. So cool. Sometimes I like to distract myself from anger with random things and the like I'm angry about this and sometimes it helps me to be like okay what's something else that I want to think about and so my random trivia for all the listeners today is the phrase slow to anger. When talking about God being slow to anger, I believe the actual like phrase that is actually written is long of nose. Yeah, long nose. Which I thought was the most ridiculous thing. But the idea being when people would get angry, physiologically, you're like, your cheeks can redden and your nose can redden. And so the idea is God has a long nose and it takes a long time for it to turn red with anger. Do you know this? Bro, our language is so much lamer. That's so much cooler. Right? Just heard that from Wes Huff. Seriously? Yeah, that's where I heard it Bro, that's some nerd stuff. That's cool though. That's It's one of my favorite things about like, if the Lord is slow to anger, means he's got a really long That boy got a long nose. But anyway, it is- Pinocchio looking. Pinocchio looking, long nose, patient, slow to anger. But it is worth knowing. If you can only get to this is how I'm reacting right now. Just start there. Just start there. You don't have to know it's I know a lot of ways I need to respond. I don't get to the place where I want to respond a lot of times. I for me being able to in some kind of quick time frame, which is also really you might got 20 seconds to in a small time frame be able to just identify. ⁓ crap. I feel I feel this and I want to do this if I can put my thumb on that. Typically I can kind of get my hands around it a little bit more. So if that's as far as you can go, take it. Take the That's so good. So that's the challenge this week, dads, is ⁓ when you feel anger, disappointment, frustration, whatever those emotions that we've talked about, ⁓ really just try and name what's really under there. know, name what you're feeling. If you can't get there because you don't have the luxury of thinking critically and... You're all lower brain reptilian brains kicking in as a fight or flight and you're just flooded with all the crazy hormones and things that are keeping you from thinking critically. Just confess how you want to react and reject that. Reject that negative reaction and ask for help if you need so. Anyways, if this was helpful, we'd love to hear comments. We'd love to hear from you guys. We'd love to know how we can pray you guys. If you guys want to send us an email, please do relativelyfunctionaldads at gmail.com. Feel free to DM us on Instagram if you don't want to confess your struggles publicly in a comment. we want to support you guys. Look, we're not experts. We have apologized to our wife and kids and friends and we'll continue to do so. We will continue to repair. Listen to next week's episode. Morgan and I talk more about that. But any closing thoughts, fellas, before we get to bed? You got anything I Think we'll need to have a longer conversation about grief. So that'll be a fun future episode of like how to grief cuz yeah, I'm good I'm kind of the grief king ⁓ Because you've had more to grieve about Anyway, we love you all very very much and it is a joy to get to be we love getting to be together And so hopefully, so you all can enjoy, we get to just, we get to be together and it is joy for us to do this and we get to talk about the Lord and we get to then share that with you all. So hopefully you appreciate it. And we love this. It's a lot of fun. Let's laugh, let's cry, but let's not be angry. Amen. And let's get everyone to just keep convincing producer Noah to come on the show and that talk. I heard he's gone in for my spot. Reese, pray for us before we... We're going to keep it under an hour. I know we are. don't know about that, but Jesus, thank you for the opportunity to just goof around and talk about real stuff ⁓ with my two brothers and hopefully just make an impact in the world. ⁓ I pray that your voice would be heard way over any of ours, ⁓ and that you would equip us to process anger. because anger is going to come up, Lord, ⁓ does all the time. And it just seems like there's more and more things to be angry about sometimes. So Lord, I just pray that you would not necessarily get rid of it, but that you would help us process it. You'd walk with us as we deal with it and help us to respond lovingly, gently, not just to our spouses and children, but to the people out in the world, but especially in our homes, because our impact in our homes is what bleeds out into the community. ⁓ and out to the rest of the world. So Lord, I pray that you would just be with us this week, ⁓ continue to just shape us and form us, and I pray that we would just fall wholeheartedly in love with you, Lord. We love you. Amen. Amen. Peace. Peace.