Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / The Triggers Behind Anxious Attachment Style

Transcript

The Triggers Behind Anxious Attachment Style · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's morning or afternoon or evening when you've decided to tune in to the podcast, I just want to say thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend with me.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: One of the topics that have come up recently in a lot of my client sessions has just been around the concept of attachment and attachment styles.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to take a few minutes to talk about the anxious attachment style and how you might be able to recognize your own personal triggers if you find yourself having this attachment style.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: So the attachment style, again, refers to how we connect with people in our lives.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Attachment patterns generally come from how we were cared for as children, and they can affect how we relate to people and interact with people growing up.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, having said that, we can work on how we attach, right?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: So if for instance we have an insecure attachment style from how we were brought up, we can take time and work on that in order to build a more secure relationship attachment style.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: So today I wanted to talk about the anxious attachment style.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Uh in if so, if we're going to um just sort of draw a picture of what this looks like, in an anxious attachment form is an insecure attachment style that um bonds where the bonds are not really founded on love, trust, and security, but rather on fear.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: So an insecure attachment means that the person most likely grew up in in a way that they might have felt emotionally distant or at least emotionally insecure with their caregivers.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um this could be parents or it could just be other caregivers that that were in their lives.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: So it's just this in inconsistency in meeting their needs and an inconsistency maybe in the display of emotions.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: So as a result, these individuals um may have learned to self-regulate through um either as when they're younger, through throwing temper tantrums or acting very needy.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then in adulthood it might look slightly different.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: But insecure attachment in early childhood teaches the child that they're not good enough as they are.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: They're not good enough as they show up, either to be loved or to even rely on other people.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: So when people grow up with this attachment style struggle, they tend to form adult relationships with that as well.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of times that's where we see a lot of toxic relationships tend to um build from, is from this attachment, this particular attachment style, this anxious attachment style or insecure attachment style.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: So there are different types of anxious attachment style.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there's the anxious ambivalent attachment and the anxious avoidant attachment.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: So the anxious ambivalent avoidant is when people are raised by parents with unpredictable, and I say parents, it's the caregivers.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: So it's whoever they were the main caregivers when they had unparticular unpredictable behavior and they didn't know what to expect when it came to emotions or what to expect when it came to communication or behavior or just overall treatment.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: So these people will sometimes develop into adults who feel that they're unworthy and can constantly need to prove themselves in order to be loved by somebody.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: So again, that's the anxious ambivalent.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh they might be very sensitive to rejection, always are for the most part looking for their partner's validation to feel loved or to feel important, and so they might get stuck in that that uh spiral of anxiety, or they might find themselves um just in a in a resentful um pattern as well.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: So oftentimes when we're looking at this attachment style, um, we would say that people pleasers tend to be, they might not all, and I'm not saying this is like none of what I'm saying is across the board black and white.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think that anything is black and white.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: There's always that gray area, but oftentimes people pleasers will have this sort of attachment style where they want to fix their partner's problems at their own expense, but so that they can feel like they they can somehow feel more secure in the in the relationship.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: There's also the anxious avoidant attachment, which is when people are brought up and and cared for um by caregivers that were more distant.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, they weren't really supportive or encouraging.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, because of this lack of support, um, this particular person may have built this attachment style and they might be not very trustworthy of other people.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so they struggle to maintain and build or build and maintain real strong personal bonds because they don't really trust that that person will be there long term.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: So just, you know, it is important, and I know this is a this is a short bit on this particular attachment style.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: I will say that learning your attachment style can be very beneficial.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's never a cut and dry, oh, I have this, so therefore this, but it is something to maybe take some time to get familiar with.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: So just learning to recognize your triggers, if you, for instance, do have this anxious attachment style, can help you recognize that when you have been triggered into that, um, you if you're aware of it, you can then take action and and move towards creating a more secure relationship with that person.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, for example, your anxiety might be triggered when your partner withdraws during an argument or becomes distracted or spends long hours at work or forgets to text you back, and so then you're triggered into the anxiousness because that's just your attachment style, and that emotional, that emotionally triggers other um other reactions from you.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so recognizing this and learning to recognize, oh my gosh, I've gone into anxiety, and then maybe leaning into communication with your partner and recognizing that you can you can name it, you can name it for yourself and also name it for your partner.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Overcoming an anxious attachment style can improve your own resiliency, it can improve your own self-regulation.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: So you don't always, or you don't consistently, I should say not, it's not always, but consistently feel overwhelmed or ups or upset by certain circumstances.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it can help you manage your own frustrations and help you manage your own resentments that are building up if you're starting to feel like your needs are not not being honored.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so taking time to recognize what your needs are, what your values are, and making sure that you're clear on those first and foremost, and then you can communicate those to your partner.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's a way to lean into it and to say, okay, this is something that I want to grow through.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: So by taking time to understand my needs and my values, I can then not just know it for myself, but I can communicate to my partner so my partner can come into the relationship knowing what I'm needing.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: So when I do start to act in that anxious way, he or she is able to not fix it for me, but they're able to recognize what's happening as well.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe we can both lean into deeper communication with each other.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Focusing on self-care is a huge part of how we work through certain attachment styles that no longer are serving us.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: So taking time to focus on what those your personal needs are, um, recognizing what emotions you're feeling and honoring those and working through them.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: So when we say honor your emotions or work through them, we're not saying uh take them on as your identity.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's emotion, emotions are little data packets.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: They're telling you that a need might not be met or is being met.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: One of the two, it's giving you information.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's just data.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: So giving yourself permission to practice self-care, practice taking time to understand what it is that you're needing.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's important to also learn how to self-soothe.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we don't want to build um relationships on codependency where we necessarily need the other person to do these things for us.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: So owning your own self-soothing mechanisms, you know, whether it be physical activity, listening to music, meditation, practicing mindfulness, journaling, spending time with positive people that fill you back up, um spending time with your with your own hobby.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Breath work is a great way of a self-soothing mechanism.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so learning how to practice breath work could be really positive for you as well.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then practicing non-attachment.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: So to the agree that to the degree that we can recognize that we don't have to attach meaning to every single interaction.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so keeping a journal that helps you figure out maybe when you are attaching to a specific outcome or you're attaching to something specific happening and you're making meaning of it.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's giving yourself permission to challenge it and to look at it with a different lens.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, having a strong support system, you know, finding the people that that you truly feel supported by and um secure with and safe with.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I talk about it all the time.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional safety is huge.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's with it's with you know uh family, friends, sometimes it's with a therapist or a coach.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: So finding that support system is really important as you work through um old old ways of maybe showing up and learning these new ways of of relating to people.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, stay well.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: Username it's authentic me.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening.