Latest / The Kink Consultant / Ep 39 - What It's Like to Hire a Pro Dom: Pleasure, Boundaries & Power Play with Sir Marvelous

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Ep 39 - What It's Like to Hire a Pro Dom: Pleasure, Boundaries & Power Play with Sir Marvelous · The Kink Consultant

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It's the king consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
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on all things kink and dating relationships and pop culture so
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close the door plug in your headphones and let's get down to
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it. Hey everyone and welcome to this
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week 's episode of the kink consultant today I am joined by
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Sir marvelous a pro Dom and pleasure coach this is the very
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first time I'm bringing a pro Dom on especially a male pro Dom
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so welcome Sir marvelous. Thank you so much for having me
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I'm excited and I'm a huge huge fan so excuse me if I fangirl a
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little bit. You know it's funny we are fans
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of each other because we were both on doctor Tara 's podcast
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love bites and I mentioned. And she like paused and she was
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like you know he brought you up to you you're fans of each other
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I guess we are yeah so we followed each other or at least
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knew about each other and then we had the pleasure of meeting
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in person in August in New York City I mean since then I think
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we've stayed in touch on and off but you've got a lot of irons in
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the fire don't you. Sometimes I beat myself up
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because I have so many ideas that I don't follow through on
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but I'm just happy to have them in general so that's always
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good. Yeah the creativity is flowing
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and that's the important part. But then yeah it's scheduling
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the time to actually do it let's start with the absolute basics
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here pro Dom and pleasure coach are these not the same thing.
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Oh I love this question yes and no so they do work hand in hand
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together so as a pro Dom that's when I'm giving people tailored
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experiences as they explore BDSM for the very first time with the
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trusted professional so that's how that works and as a pleasure
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coach I show you know singles and couples how they can use
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BDSM as a way. To increase pleasure in the
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bedroom that's the short and suite of how they may differ but
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they like I mentioned they do work hand in hand together
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because they support one another.
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Do you find your teaching couples how to be dominant and
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submissive? No because sometimes I even stay
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away for those from those words I actually just made a video
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earlier today talking about how I don't prefer to use the word
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dominant when I don't have to because sometimes the word
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dominant may carry the negative reputation of being someone that
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just wants to be in charge barking order super aggressive.
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You know just trying to spank everybody so I prefer to use the
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word leader or pleaser because I feel like that's something that
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we can easily identify with I believe that dominance doesn't
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have to look a certain type of way and I know you agree with me
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on that one so sometimes I show people that like if you're the
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type of person to create a beautiful ambiance by lighting a
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few candles changing the lighting putting on a sexy
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playlist and giving a lover a massage best believe you're
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stepping into that dominant energy in a very sensual way so
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again I show people that it's about who's.
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Taking charge in that particular moment and as you know it could
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change it doesn't have to be today I'm dominant and tomorrow
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I'm submissive it could be tonight I'm both dominant and a
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few minutes from now we'll be submissive or walk into that
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energy so to speak so I try not to get locked into the work.
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Yeah no like hold but on this point now you've just got my
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little wheels going because I never don't use the word
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dominant and I'm wondering like this is something that we may
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have to agree to disagree on I don't believe in using different
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word because a negative connotation.
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Has been attached to something I want to reclaim the word
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dominant as opposed to moving away from it what are your
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thoughts on that? I love that but I come from a
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background of sales and marketing and sometimes we have
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to just like respect the world we live in as it relates to like
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knowing that if we lead with certain information I'm here to
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sell you insurance it's not going to work but if you leave
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with you know some other way in like here I'm here to talk about
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some of the benefits that come along with you being a part of a
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union member that might hit a little bit different than I'm a
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sales. Trying to sell you something
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same thing it's the approach that I take with you know BDSM
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even with like social media as much as we want to be able to
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lead with I'm a BDSM educator and we're doing this for the
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betterment of the world Instagram doesn't give doesn't
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care you're going to be like shadow bam nobody 's going to
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see your content good luck with that.
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Even you saying that gives me such anxiety marvelous and I'm
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like I need to open the app and make sure I still exist there.
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Every time it takes a. Too long for the app to open up
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my anxiety goes so high I'm like.
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And I try to make my business not like that but it is what it
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is it's the risk we're out here taking I told you this in August
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and it is still true while I have been a dominatrix I have
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never hired a pro Dom I want to know if I were to come to you
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can we like do a practice sort of like thing of like what would
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you ask me if I wanted to hire you as a pro Dom what does that
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look like. Well first and foremost.
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It starts with the consultation as you I'm sure you could
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imagine where I start all my consultations the same I just
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use the BDSM quiz that most people are familiar with
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bdsm.org and I go over the results with the person but I
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translate some of the wording to be more practical in the
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everyday world so one of the things that tends to resonate
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with a lot of people is for example a lot of the women that
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end up inquiring about my work tend to have high submissive
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desires on their king quiz again sometimes sometimes the word
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submissive. And dominant doesn't necessarily
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resonate with certain people until I explained that to want
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or to have submissive desires doesn't mean that you're
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submissive in other elements of their life it's usually because
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you are someone that has a lot of responsibility on your plate
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and your regular day-to-day life and that could be dealing with
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work home you know building a business taking care of family
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or you know the list goes on and on so a lot of the times your
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ideal your ideal situation is to come home to someone that's
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going to kind of take the reins where you don't have to be the
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boss you don't have to be the dominatrix you don't have to.
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The person leading or running the show you know so the way
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that I would able to again to kind of go back to your question
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that is the way that I breakdown the king quiz versus the
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traditional definition of a submissive it just needs to
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dominate and and it's like I don't get how that lands for me
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right so we would start with the the king quiz we will go over
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those things and that what kind of likes bridge the conversation
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for some of the things that are going on in your life and maybe
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why you would enjoy this particular experience and that
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conversation of course we cover you know interests.
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And limits I don't go too much into that in that conversation
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because I believe that that part should be done in person another
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thing is is that sometimes the way that people imagine things
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or experience things in the past is not the way that I like to do
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things impact play is not the same with every dog you know
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some people are heavy masochists and heavy sadistics while I
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identify as essentialist but even every centralist is not the
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same so I love the idea of you being in the space with me and
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me showing you hey this is one of my vloggers this is the way I
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prefer to use it tell me now if that's something.
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You're open to or not you get what I'm saying.
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Hey yeah so the console does that happen over the phone and
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then in person we fine tune what happens.
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Yes yes so the consultation happens over the phone but then
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the conversations are going to happen over the weeks leading up
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to the actual experience because it's really unrealistic first of
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all I don't allow anybody to like book me in like 48 hours 24
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hour notice that's not my however in the show plus my
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sessions are pretty pricey so a lot of times people need to
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create space between when they create that initial deposit
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versus when. They're actually going to make
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us at the dungeon so on average most people book out their
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sessions a month or 2 months out you know and during that time
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we're able to kind of build a rapport having conversations and
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answering different things and building more of that trust
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factor until you actually get here and then the negotiation is
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what really sells people to be like man I definitely chose the
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right person it's. So much about being listened to
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and knowing that your desires and fantasies are going to be
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met yes how do you balance that for people with your own
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boundaries. I know this sounds cliche a lot
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of people say like oh I derive pleasure from giving.
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Pleasure but it's my truth you know throwing through I really
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love giving people what they want so as far as boundaries are
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concerned the only thing that I really have off the list is like
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there's no sex allowed in my actual sessions but even then
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when I'm talking to people I let them know that even if you find
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me attractive if you fantasize about me you know let me know
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because I can play on that and The Dirty talk I can play on
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that with the with the psychological play the mental
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stimulation and things of that nature so as far as boundaries
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are concerned the only thing that's kind of like on that list
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is like we're not going to. Actually have sex in this
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session but majority of everything else you know it's
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kind of on there again I guess that's the best way that I could
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probably answer that. For me I love that you mentioned
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the mind play side of it because as a when I was a pro and even
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now one of the hardest things is the mind side of it to get into
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somebody 's head and so many clients I don't know if many
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women who come to you ask for this a lot of men who came to me
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would ask for mind they really wanted that their heads messed
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with I don't know if it's as common with women but it's
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something I know I enjoy having done and I love that you.
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Like one of the things you do it's like well tell me so I can
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make this better is there anything else you do like that
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to like really play with the mind.
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It's funny you mentioned we've crossed past in many ways and we
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were recently on the Dom sub summit right and one of the
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classes I spoke about was erotic edge plate that is probably my
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go to a weapon for everything BDSM is that I do I love the
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idea of a slow burn building things up teasing things out and
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getting you want to release so badly but I'm like Nope.
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Goes beyond just orgasm right it could be anything that you
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desire you know I've played with people with like draining them
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making them squirt making them orgasm and now they just want a
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sip of water and of course I'm doing it at least I want to make
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sure that people know that I'm not out here depriving people
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water when they need it most but you know with certain clients
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I'm able to black all you want this and I'm just drinking it in
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front of them and they're just so thirsty pretty hydrated on
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what was happening in that moment you know so I love the
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idea of just playing denial games and.
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In general with whatever a person me wants and then I love
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the power I feel when I finally give them that thing so.
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The denial is everything for me like yeah I know I love to be
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denied only because I hate it and therein lies the mindfuck of
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that it sounds like you really provide amazing tailored
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sessions as a pro Dom how are you helping people as a pleasure
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coach. What's your approach?
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So what I've learned is that we have approached relationships in
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an unrealistic realistic way where we are willing to invest
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time energy and money and so many other aspects of what we
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think is going to make our lives better but we don't or aren't
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usually willing to invest in the pleasure aspect you know So what
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I mean by that is is that we're tends to be having the same type
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of sex you know month one or year one and our relationship
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that we intend to have 10 years in our relationship and expected
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to have the same effect. And that's really unrealistic
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people don't live in the same houses they don't drive the same
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car they barely stay at the same jobs for that long so why should
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we be having the same type of sex so I try to show people that
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we have to invest in different things different experiences
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learning different ways to turn each other on and engage with
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one another and BDSM is like a buffet however like you
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mentioned with society not truly understanding all the things all
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the insurance and outs of BDSM it is one of the things that
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make it hard for people to want to.
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Embrace right away so I show them listen BDSM can be used as
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foreplay for both men and women this is a way and foreplay is
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going to build that arousal within our body and eventually
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lead us to having stronger more powerful orgasms and then those
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experiences are going to bring us Better Together.
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I completely agree with you I've never thought about it how much
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we change in our lives like why would I consider having the same
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sex for 10 years except for me and everybody who listens to the
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podcast knows this I have a fetish and my obsession with
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discipline and. Punishment and needing that has
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never changed. And hold on before I interrupt
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your wisdom I want to be clear the fundamentals the bread and
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butter of the things that we enjoy should always be a part of
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what we enjoy but it can't be the only things that we use you
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can't do the same spanking every single night and expect you now
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you know a different result or a more powerful result that's
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another thing that I had to teach especially men you know
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because our ego is directly connected to our performance in
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bed so the idea of a man coming to.
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To a pleasure culture any final coach when it talks it talks
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about intimacy is that they think that that means that
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they're a bad lover or that whatever they know is not good
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enough and I'm like that's not it at all but again you know how
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often can you eat the same meal every day before you want
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something a little bit different even if it's the best thing the
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most high quality meal you know all the things that you could
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ever want in this meal are here but after a while you know you
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got to switch it up. My answer is about 90 days and I
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know this because I've become. Obsessed with certain meals and
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I for 3 months at a time and then I'm like I'm ready to move
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on and you're so right you want because so much of what I
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enjoyed the part part of it is the fear and the switch up if it
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was the same every time. It just wouldn't be the same it
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would it would be too much of the same I would get over it
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there 'd be No Fear injected. And even if you just even if you
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just scheduled a day of exploration like you know every
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couple of weeks every couple of months we're gonna dedicate one
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day to try something different I love see I'm a nerd through and
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through so I love the idea of learning things with my partner
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and then trying to explore those things with me and my ex we used
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to have this ongoing joke where we say like ever our whole
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relationship was an ongoing negotiation because it's not a
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single moment that would go by where.
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I wasn't sending a article of some sort of video of something
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was starting in conversation and she knew that if I brought it up
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to her then that meant that I was interested in giving it a
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try and if we went in on that conversation that would possibly
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happen or show up in another way so I love learning with people
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love it love it love it. Yes oh and I feel like it's so
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underrated this idea that we're learning together especially I
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think in the kinks space for me and my own clients what I
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noticed is one person is trying to it's sort of like pulling
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teeth they're trying to get their.
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Partner into kink so it's not even the learning together it's
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just trying to convince and that's when you really hit your
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stride it's when you're both excited about learning together
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that's it that's the goal I actually think it's more of the
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goal than the end the goal. They say the you know they say
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the journey is better than the destination in a lot of
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situations you know we all think that we're going to get to this
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place in life where everything is going to be good not
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realizing that that entire experience getting to that
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definition destination is what transforms you you get to see
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people when. Vulnerable state I did read that
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you know one of the best ways to bring people closer together is
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to do things that both people are new to where so often we
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want to introduce people to things that where we do very
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well so we can look like the authority we can look like the
14:43
man or the woman in that situation but how about you both
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try something you've never done before and allow yourselves to
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be kids again to make fun of each you know each other in a
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healthy safe you know way and then be vulnerable in that way
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it's an amazing way to bring you guys closer together.
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True because both people have to be vulnerable at the same time.
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Time which can be scary because then there's no leader both
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people are learning and playing good points when I started doing
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this everyone was like how can you be the king consultant why
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and I was like I never said I knew everything about kink I
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said I talk about it all the time and I do that by reading
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new things and there's always a new order on Amazon for a book.
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Or new toys or new tools or the money we spend on the knowledge
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part of it all. The hobby the knowledge I know
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and I just feel really fortunate that in my pro Dom days.
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I feel like I went through BDSM university I had a lot of smart
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women who had experienced back as far as the 80s they were in
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the scene in New York City so I just heard so many stories.
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Got so much knowledge from them but it doesn't change that you
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still need to be searching for sometimes I don't know the more
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vetted knowledge the peer reviewed industry level of
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knowledge as opposed to this one time in this dungeon we did this
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to someone and they really enjoyed it also valid learning
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sometimes it's. Definitely so that that's why
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one of the hardest questions for me to answer is like where do I
16:04
learn or who I learned from because I don't want to take
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away you know credit from anybody that I have observed.
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But I'm always learning I'm always looking I'm always
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looking for inspiration because I really take the statement
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you've got to keep the class half full I take that to heart
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because it's not half full for it's not half full for me it's
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half empty at all times you know because I want to be able to
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know I wanted to give myself permission to know that there's
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always more to learn. I know it's a great pressure I
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get referred to as an educator and yes we were both on the dumb
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sub summit making us educators but it's a heavy word a couple
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of episodes ago I spoke to nick the forge bearer.
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I don't know if you follow him but we were just talking about
16:43
the title of educator it's one you get by default because if
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you are up here talking about it and people are learning from you
16:49
then you are by default an educator and you have to take
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that responsibility seriously right.
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So. That you have to be learning all
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the time like I'm glad you're half empty on it because that's
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the right. Yeah and you have to because
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also things evolve and understandings and are going to
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change overtime and you just have to leave room for that
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there's always so much to learn and like I told you like what
17:10
I'm. Might be into today can change
17:12
tomorrow but we got to be very careful with the constructs that
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we build based on opinions that are no longer valid especially
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as it relates to like sexual liberation you know one of the
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things that I really pride myself on doing and supporting
17:23
in my work is the sexual liberation for women because for
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so many years centuries and centuries long you know women
17:30
have been told you can't do this you can't do that you can't do
17:32
this while men are able to run amok and do whatever they want
17:35
and get credit and high fives for it while they're doing.
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It there are just so many examples of how that plays out.
17:40
And sex is just one of them it's interesting though I do think I
17:43
think things like book talk and like the erotic novel just
17:47
really surging in the last 15 years there were all those like
17:50
Harlequin romance novels since the 80s but I think it's become
17:53
very mainstream and not embarrassing to read such things
17:56
anymore and I think that helps women claim some of their power
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as well of like oh I can be the hero of my own story and be
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submissive or whatever words you want to put on that.
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Absolutely right in fact that's one of the tips that I give in
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my foreplay 101 book is to read. Erotic novels together you know
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and if you want to take it a little bit further try to read
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them in a way where you kind of embody in the characters that
18:17
you're reading. If someone wants to go find your
18:19
foreplay 101 where would they go?
18:21
Sir marvelous calm I love saying that because prior to having Sir
18:25
marvelous calm as a domain I had to say follow me on this and
18:28
under score this and that and it's just like so complicated to
18:31
remember and how to find but now I'm like so marvelous calm
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you're fine everything about me. I know believe me as a podcast
18:37
host I love when someone has that just like yeah just go to
18:40
the website you'll see it all there Sir marvelous.com as I
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said you have a lot of irons in the fire it's not just pro Dom
18:45
it's not just pleasure coach writer educator I saw recently
18:49
on Instagram that you are partnered up.
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I don't even know how to put this like a TV show it's all
18:54
black creators creating content. Oh black sexy yes black touch
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yeah so black touch calm BLK touch calm is one of my favorite
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places my favorite entities he's ran by a good friend of mines
19:09
named Brian and he focuses on showing erotic intimacy within
19:13
people of color in a way that it's just not fetishized like
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some of these other like channels or porn websites do is
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genuine pleasures genuine. Connection it's not again highly
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fetishized in any way shape or form it's just a great amazing
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space to be in or to indulge when it comes to wanting to
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learn about pleasure because even now you know for myself
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personally when it comes to like masturbation because I like porn
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I don't know if that's going to be something hard for people to
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digest but I do love porn but I don't like mainstream porn as
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much as I used to back in the days I don't like the idea of
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watching people that are just there for the sake of getting a
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check I love seeing like the content creators that are
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couples that are kind of. Vlogging their journey of their
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pleasure and stuff like that so I feel like it's a real
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connection it's real intimacy and that is what black touch
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kind of show not kind of that's what they focus on showing like
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a real genuine connection between 2 people that are having
20:05
a sexual moment so definitely check that out.
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And are you starring in some of these?
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So yes, but I don't do so. Black Touch does have everything
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they have, you know, solo masturbation scenes.
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They have BDSM scenes, they have full sex scenes, they have oral
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sex scenes, Denial, all things that traditional porn websites
20:24
have. But again, it's just shot in a
20:25
more artistic way. Myself, I don't perform sex on
20:28
camera, but I am there doing some very sexy things.
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I have 3 or 4 scenes on that website now where it gets
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really, really good. You get to see a lot of my work.
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All right, well, put away the disappointment that we're not
20:41
watching you have actual sex, but that's OK.
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We all have our own boundaries. Speaking of just, I guess
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pleasure in general, do you have a favorite scene that you have
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done with a client, like a scene where you were a pro and you
20:55
remember that scene really well? So many of them.
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This is always the hardest question to answer because I
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don't want to leave anybody out. I recently made one of my
21:03
clients come with an ear blower. Literally like it looks like a
21:08
blow dryer. Like a quick blows cool air.
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I have a hard time describing what it is.
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I recently made her squirt and orgasm from just blowing air on
21:15
her clitoris. She was tied up the entire time.
21:18
She was guide. She was being trolled, she was
21:20
being talked through her orgasm and just don't watch.
21:23
Because I was able to record this clip.
21:25
She gave me permission to post it, but obviously not her
21:27
information. So I'm gonna post that soon on
21:29
my Twitter. I'll send it to you at the end
21:30
of and you can see what I mean as well.
21:35
I love it because you got to see her click get erect in that
21:39
moment from beginning to end and you get to see the build up of
21:42
how the click starts to like. I always tell people that clicks
21:44
get hard, similar to how penises get hard.
21:47
One educator that says, you know, come as we are.
21:49
It talks about the fact that our parts are made-up the same way,
21:53
just in different ways. You know so we we get erections
21:56
on the outside when we get erections on the inside, But
21:58
also your clip does get erect on the outside as well.
22:01
So to be able to see that and then watch the build up of her
22:05
pussy starting to enjoy it and then starts releasing it was so
22:08
fucking amazing. Mind her, she was fully bonded
22:11
the entire time. Legs were tied to the table,
22:13
arms were tied to the table, mouth was gag, hand on her
22:15
throat, and of course my word just tickling every part of her
22:19
body. You really are someone who
22:20
enjoys giving pleasure because you did, like you weren't
22:24
experiencing anything except her pleasure and her enjoyment, and
22:29
that sticks out for you as a top moment.
22:31
I love that. Yeah, I have.
22:33
For me, I really have my Michael Jackson and LeBron James moment
22:37
in sessions. You know, I'm not a basketball
22:39
player. I'm not a dancer or a singer.
22:40
You can't tell me anything when I'm in that mold.
22:43
You know, that's my thing. And I feel like, you know,
22:45
especially as what you know, up as a young boy or Matt young man
22:49
in general, not playing sports, I've always wanted the idea of
22:52
knowing what it felt like to have a crowd cheering for you,
22:55
winning the championship or just performing to a high level.
22:58
You know, that thing, that trophy moment.
23:00
And I found it, even though it happens in private, it does
23:02
happen on stage. And sometimes I feel like a
23:05
super huge version of myself, like I'm a big anime fan.
23:08
So like one of my biggest more favorite things was like Dragon
23:11
Ball Z. So I feel like I'm turning Super
23:13
Saiyan in that moment where I'm like unlocking these different
23:15
levels of myself. I'm always in impressing myself,
23:18
so I love that. Yeah, that was an amazing
23:20
description. I'm like, oh shit, he's
23:22
unlocked. Something that I think people
23:24
spend their life searching for is where do I feel that
23:27
fulfillment? What gives me that sense of
23:29
pride? I'm sure you get it too, don't
23:31
you impress yourself at times you like after seeing you like.
23:33
Wow, I dug deep for that one. I do you know what though?
23:37
I, I still want the public applause, you know, it's, it's
23:42
like what my intrinsic motivation or motivation might
23:45
be a little bit different, but I understand what you're saying
23:48
after a good scene or a session that I've thought of beginning
23:50
to end and it blows someones mind.
23:52
Absolutely. So that means you're a huge
23:54
exhibition. It's I'm assuming you love the
23:56
idea of that that. Were before year.
23:59
You know what, I had an exhibitionist moment recently
24:02
and I wasn't expecting it and it was just neon display and no one
24:06
was, it was, it was both private and very public at the same
24:09
time. And I did enjoy it.
24:10
I would say I'm more of a voyeur though, because I get really
24:13
excited by seeing the things that you're not supposed to see,
24:16
like the things that are supposed to be quote UN quote
24:18
private. So I love that you mentioned
24:20
being a voyeur because you know, for example, that love your
24:23
explanation of what being a voyeur looks like for you.
24:26
But I hope that you would agree with my definition.
24:28
So whenever I see somebody have, you know, voyeur on their some
24:30
quiz results, I let them know that I assume that they're a
24:33
nerd right off the top. And part of that reason is is
24:36
because don't we know voyeurs are people who can derive
24:38
pleasure from watching other people engage in pleasures such
24:41
as porn, you know, live sex or even like you mentioned, you
24:44
know, erotic plays on stage and things like that.
24:47
I feel like there's another side to voyeurs that doesn't get as
24:49
acknowledged, which is basically that nerdy or that brainy side.
24:52
Because a big part of the reason we want to watch these things
24:54
because we want to learn. We're interested in learning
24:56
about different things that we might be interested in trying
24:58
ourselves one day or just seeing how people navigate.
25:01
So I feel like that is one of the things that kind of glue us
25:05
all together in that voyeur umbrella, so to speak, is that
25:08
idea that we do want to learn different things and seeing how
25:11
people do it and pull it off, it's something that really like
25:13
gets us going as well as the pleasure.
25:15
Part 100% accurate. I am so curious.
25:19
I want to experience and see everything and I just want to
25:22
take it apart and understand it. Yeah.
25:24
So I would say there is that nerdy aspect of it, especially
25:27
when it comes to sex and BDSM. OK, You found this moment, you
25:31
found this source of pride. When do you think you knew or
25:34
understood you were kinky? What was your journey to
25:37
discovering this side of yourself?
25:39
I. Swear I really should work on
25:41
shorter in this story, so I'm gonna try my very best now.
25:44
No, no, we have time. Give us the.
25:46
Story OK so I was about 17 years when I brought my first sex toy
25:52
1617 years old out around that time was and the reason I
25:55
brought that sex toys because I had a partner at the time I was
25:59
coming fast whenever we would engage I was just looking for a
26:01
way to last longer bed. So I end up Googling, you know
26:05
different tips and tricks and I never found those tips and
26:07
tricks. What I end up coming across were
26:09
women that were writing blogs about their experience with men
26:12
sexually and they were complaining about never having
26:15
an orgasm with their boyfriend or their husband and how they
26:18
were so happy that they had vibrators because it was the
26:20
only way that they would able to ensure that they would get an
26:22
orgasm. So me being young at the time I
26:25
didn't know what a vibrator was or certain sex toys but I kept
26:28
seeing it come up and up. So I decided to go down to the
26:30
village in New York City and which is a sex toy.
26:32
I wasn't even old enough to get in here to be 18 and get in.
26:34
So I had to stand outside with a crumbled up money and ask some
26:37
random guy to walk in and buy me a sex toy.
26:39
Actually, I said a vibrator. What the fuck?
26:43
Yes, so when I ended up getting the toy, you know, I didn't know
26:47
what I was doing again, you know boys, we don't like you eating
26:49
instructions. Right When I got home, I just
26:51
pulled out the bag. I turned it on and saw how it
26:53
work. So I was like, alright, the next
26:54
time that I'm with my partner, I'm going to use this thing
26:56
again. Me not knowing what I was doing
26:59
actually worked in my favor because when we were actually
27:01
having sex in the middle of having sex, I took the vibrate
27:03
out and I put it on her clip while we were in missionary
27:05
position. She went crazy.
27:08
It was so good to her. She started orgasming, she
27:11
started squirting. She's it was just like I felt
27:13
like a kid in a candy store where all the candy was now
27:15
free. It was so good for my ego.
27:17
It was so good. Like I didn't even think about
27:20
coming in that moment because I was enjoying what was happening
27:23
so much just from a reaction. And it was like that moment
27:26
neuron started firing in my head.
27:28
I'm like, if one toy can do this and I didn't even know what I
27:31
was doing. It was literally a perfect
27:33
accident, so to speak. You know, if one toy can do this
27:36
and get this reaction, what else is out there?
27:38
You know, and I think it was a blessing that I was so young
27:41
because I was impressionable enough.
27:43
So this way you understand where I was like, man, to buy more, I
27:47
have to figure out what's going on, you know, and be more
27:50
intentional because again, like I told you, I was standing
27:51
outside a store or complete stranger, the complete stranger
27:55
to buy me a vibrator. He didn't.
27:56
There's no intention in that, but it worked out anyway.
27:59
So I knew from that moment that I was going to find out more
28:02
about toys. And this was something that I
28:04
needed to share with other people.
28:05
You know, me being a young guy, when my friends would come over
28:08
playing video games and they're in my bedroom going through my
28:10
closet, are looking around and he like, well, Brooke, but
28:13
what's this man? I'm like, let me tell you, I'm
28:15
opening up shop right then and there, doing a class and them
28:18
being too young to truly like embrace what I was trying to
28:21
share. They never forgot what I was
28:23
sharing with them. So they would eventually come
28:25
back to me to actually questions about sex and intimacy and
28:27
things like that because they knew I was the open minded
28:30
front. It really changed everything.
28:31
So it was more so that moment that really, really defined me
28:36
and my desire to want to learn more about how to give pleasure.
28:39
I mean and shout out to that legendary man who bought an
28:43
underage thank you about a kid a vibe.
28:46
Peter I never thought about it that way because there is
28:48
somebody out there that is the origin story.
28:50
It's a Sir Marvelous for me. You know, it's never developed
28:53
in a vacuum the way our origin story, you know, it always
28:56
involves someone else, some impression, usually.
28:59
Hopefully it's a good thing. Like this legendary man who
29:01
bought you a vibrator. You were impressionable.
29:04
You weren't intimidated by it. You were like, let me buy more.
29:07
You were at the age too where I feel like anything sexual was
29:10
exciting, so I was. Like, Oh yeah, more teenage boy,
29:13
come on, you can't. I think that what that's what
29:15
helped me really get through to my coaching clients, the male
29:18
clients. It's understanding that like we
29:20
are connected to our ego. And I know that ego historically
29:23
has been like bad word that, you know, men and their inflated
29:27
egos. But when you learn to work with
29:29
that idea that our ego does motivate us and, you know, give
29:33
us inspiration, it's a way to get your message across.
29:36
Because a lot of the times, you know, men don't feel like they
29:39
need to be better in sex as sex or giving pleasure.
29:41
The number one thing, and I know you hear this a lot, I don't get
29:44
any complaints. I will be so.
29:45
I know, yes, and I know. And I'm like, I'm not even sure
29:48
we're ready to address this then.
29:49
Yeah, because you know what I mean?
29:50
It's like if this is their belief of themselves, then like
29:53
let's just leave that aside and work on what they're actually
29:57
here for first. Are your classes online or in
29:59
person? My classes are in person.
30:02
I am currently working on releasing more things from my
30:05
Patreon and my loyal fans. And this in the sense it being
30:08
official classes, but my coaching programs are done
30:11
one-on-one like what we're doing now via zoom or, you know,
30:14
different platforms. So it's more private.
30:16
But I will be releasing actual classes.
30:18
Like my first one, believe it or not, was the edging erotic class
30:21
that I released on my 4 Dom sub. I'm going to also use it for my
30:24
my platforms as well. I have an impact one-on-one
30:27
class that I'm going to be releasing.
30:28
I've taught classes literally all over the country, but I
30:31
never thought to record them and put them on actual platform so
30:35
that people can replace. It's a simple, simple, but
30:38
believe it or not, I just didn't tap into it the way that I
30:41
deserve to have. But now, moving forward, 25 is
30:44
going to be the new version of that.
30:46
And everyone can go to sirmarvelous.com to find all of
30:49
those classes, sign up for coaching, and I assume also if
30:55
they're interested in a Pro Dom session, they can also find that
30:58
through Sir marvelous.com. Yes, they can.
31:00
Absolutely. So you've got those online
31:02
classes, you're working with people one-on-one, you're pro
31:06
doming in general life. What role do you see BDSM
31:10
playing in people's sex lives? Is it for everyone?
31:14
Is it just for some people? What do you think the
31:15
relationship is? So I do believe that it can be
31:19
for everyone. That is my actually, I'm gonna
31:20
rephrase that. I'm gonna start.
31:22
It is for everyone. When somebody says that they
31:24
don't like BDSM, I look at them as somebody saying I don't like
31:27
food. Because to say you don't like
31:29
food, it's kind of crazy. There has to be something you
31:32
like because there's so many different categories of types of
31:34
food. And when be it what BDSM people
31:36
don't understand that it's not one thing.
31:38
It's an umbrella turn that covers millions and millions, if
31:41
not more things than you could have recount, you know, So
31:44
there's going to be something that you can find in an umbrella
31:47
that's like for you. And then of course, a bunch of
31:48
things that are not for you. So but the main role that is
31:51
going to play is just want to help motivate us and give us
31:54
more ideas of ways that again, we can bring each other closer
31:57
together. Because in order to do BDSM
32:00
correctly, you have to communicate.
32:01
And you would be surprised at how many people, grown people
32:05
out here having sex with one another.
32:07
But people that they love and they never have a conversation
32:10
about what it is that they enjoy or what they don't enjoy.
32:13
You know, they just kind of letting it happen and expecting
32:15
everything to kind of fall into place.
32:17
Surprised and saddened, I would say, by the number of people who
32:21
experienced that. I know communication is key.
32:24
It's everything. It's the foundation and so many
32:27
people are just skipping over that part.
32:29
Right. My favorite question to ask acts
32:32
every single client this question before the negotiation
32:35
begins, after the small talk kind of ends, I ask them, So
32:38
what is something that you would say that you've learned about
32:41
yourself that you really enjoy during intimacy?
32:43
And the majority of my clients are 30 plus and even, you know,
32:46
older and have so much life experience.
32:49
So many of them look to me and they go, I've never been asked
32:52
that. So you've been having sex,
32:53
you've had children, you've have grandchildren, you have
32:56
graduated this doctoring of this and this that.
32:58
And the third, all these different relationships are not
33:01
a single person that you've had sex with has sat down and said,
33:04
what do you enjoy? And that is mind blowing to me.
33:07
Heartbreaking. That is mind blowing.
33:09
So that just is a way to reassure myself that I'm
33:12
definitely in the right field because and and you, you know,
33:15
we're here to encourage people to have these conversations.
33:18
We can talk about anything and everything else that, you know,
33:21
is deemed to be hard, whether it be bills, whether it be health,
33:23
whether it be finance and things of that nature.
33:25
But when it comes to pleasure, it's like people who expect it
33:28
to just be natural and just to fall into place.
33:30
And to some degree it is. But you're doing yourself a
33:33
disservice if you're not investing, you know, time,
33:35
energy, and even money to some degree in expanding and your
33:39
knowledge of what pleasure can look like for you and your
33:41
partner. A. 100% I completely agree and
33:44
it's important. You really are doing yourself a
33:46
disservice if you are not, you know, creating a cycle of
33:49
feedback and improvement, learning about what your
33:52
partner's needs and wants are and that it goes both ways.
33:54
That's the cycle. Like it's not just one
33:56
directional. You want to learn from each
33:58
other. If it wasn't necessary, you
34:00
know, it wouldn't be such a pleasure gap as it is.
34:02
There are a lot of men that are not familiar with it, so many
34:06
men that are not familiar with the pleasure gap as a whole.
34:08
But then there are so many women that are.
34:10
So there's definitely a disconnect happening right now
34:13
because you ask the average woman with the pleasure, she's
34:15
gonna say right away what that is.
34:17
And then the man, like what? Like some foreign object that I
34:21
just mentioned. I'm like, no, this is a real
34:23
life, you know, realistic thing that women are going through.
34:25
Yeah, 100%. It's probably something I went
34:28
through in my younger years, but then as I got older and more
34:31
comfortable with my own wants and needs, I felt more
34:33
comfortable advocating for what I wanted.
34:35
Now, I've always been a communicator.
34:37
I have always been the person who says do this touch here more
34:39
like this. Like I'm just naturally
34:41
commutative about what's gonna feel good for me because I'm
34:44
like, I'm I'm here to have a good time and I want to make
34:47
sure I'm responsible for myself having a good time.
34:49
And I do that through that. However, I know there are a lot
34:53
of people who are not open to feedback.
34:54
My thing is, it's on both people to close the gap.
34:58
What are your thoughts on that? Well, for starters, if you do
35:02
your absolute best to create a safe space to speak to your
35:05
partner and understanding that one of the key points to making
35:08
to creating a safe space is being sure that a person is
35:10
ready to have that conversation. Just because I wanted to have
35:13
that conversation me, it doesn't mean that just getting off of
35:16
work or dealing with the kids or getting off a Zoom call, you're
35:19
not necessarily ready to have this conversation.
35:21
So step one, make sure that part of you creating a safe space to
35:24
have combos is choosing the right time to have it.
35:26
If you truly can say in your heart of hearts that I've done
35:30
everything that I can to create a safe space to have this
35:32
conversation with this person that I love and care for and
35:35
they're not being receptive. The hard truth is you might need
35:37
to consider a new partner. You might need to consider a
35:40
separation. You might need to consider a
35:41
transformation in your relationship because is you
35:44
should priority someone that is going to give you a safe space
35:48
to talk about the things that you want in need.
35:50
So that's just is what that's the hard truth, the hardest
35:52
thing to ever have to say to someone.
35:54
Again, I want to preference that by saying if you know that you
35:56
have genuinely tried to create a safe space, not just bombarded a
35:59
person with conversations, Oh, I'm not coming or this isn't
36:02
good or that good like no, honey, can we sit down?
36:05
This is the great time for us to talk.
36:06
I would love for us to talk about something that's not bad,
36:09
but it's super important to me, you know, and I want to make
36:11
sure that like you have a safe space to express what you feel
36:15
and to express what I feel and so forth and so on.
36:18
If you can genuinely say that that is, you have tried that a
36:21
few times and they're just like completely shut off to it, maybe
36:24
that's not the partner for you. 100%, I can't disagree with any
36:28
of that. I think too late in life or too
36:30
late in relationships, we realize we're not with someone
36:33
who's as curious as we are, who's not as willing to be
36:36
flexible in this area. If it's important enough to us.
36:39
It's one of those things where you either sit with the
36:41
disappointment and stay with the person and you process it
36:44
because you can't keep punishing them for disappointing you.
36:46
That's my feeling. So you either have to sit with
36:48
it and accept that this is your reality and this is the
36:51
relationship you're in. Or like you said, you might have
36:53
to go through a transformation in your relationship, whether
36:55
that's together or parting ways, opening the relationship up.
36:59
There are options for you if you find that what you're in right
37:02
now isn't working. Absolutely.
37:04
It's a hard truth, but it's a very necessary one.
37:06
And they joke about you only having one life, but it's very
37:09
true. You cannot wait around punishing
37:12
yourself or depriving yourself of something that you know that
37:14
you desire to have. I know that's great advice.
37:18
That is like, it's the core of it for me.
37:20
It's like you can't go your whole life not having lived this
37:23
because you'll let me end up with regrets.
37:24
And I think that's the worst feeling in the world is regret.
37:27
They say so many people go to the graveyard with so many
37:30
dreams and aspirations that are never really like, tapped into.
37:33
It's the plate. It's the most valuable place in
37:35
the whole world is the graveyard because of how many people take
37:38
what they truly wanted to do with their lives there without
37:40
ever actually tapping into it. So don't sit, you know, in a
37:44
relationship that you know, it's just not as fulfilling as it
37:46
could be, especially if you are actually trying.
37:49
So there's two mistakes that you're gonna make.
37:50
I want to clarify, you know, don't deprive yourself by not
37:54
expressing yourself. But if you've genuinely
37:56
expressed yourself in a Safeway, because that's again, I want to
37:59
be clear. If you want to communicate with
38:00
people about things that are touchy, you know, understand
38:03
that and approach it with that knowledge that this may be a
38:05
hard conversation or something that isn't super easy to talk
38:08
about. But once you've approached it
38:10
with that's it. Do you know that approach?
38:11
And that person is still shutting you down.
38:13
It's gonna have to be a hard decision to make there.
38:15
That's true, but I think that that's also the right time to
38:18
employ the help of a coach like there.
38:20
That's another option, like seek resources if they're both
38:24
willing. OK, Marvelous.
38:26
This was phenomenal. Thank you so much for coming on
38:29
today. And again, for anyone who's
38:31
interested in any of the things he's talked about today, Pro
38:33
doming, pleasure coaching, the foreplay 101 book and
38:36
educational content, Sir, marvelous.com.
38:39
Thank you, Sir. Marvelous.
38:40
Thank you so much for having me. If you enjoyed this episode,
38:44
don't forget to subscribe, leave a review and share it with
38:47
anyone who might find it interesting.
38:49
And if you have any questions or topics you'd like me to cover in
38:51
future episodes, feel free to reach out e-mail
38:54
info@thekingconsultant.com. Until next time, keep on kinking
38:59
on.