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The Real Reason Avoidants Always Reach Out At Night · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  Avoidance don't break randomly for no reason.
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  They don't reach out just because they all of a sudden
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  feel like it. Something very specific has to
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  happen before they break no contact and text you, and it
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  happens within a very predictable window, so I'm going
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  to give you the exact time frame and reveal how they're feeling
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  when they reach out finally after weeks or months of
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  silence. That way you'll be prepared
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  instead of being caught off guard because you don't want all
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  your time and no contact to go to waste because you weren't
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  expecting a message and you're caught off guard.
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  You're like what? Trust me, you are not going to
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  want to miss this. I've been doing some studying
• 0:49
  y'all. Hi, this is Lucia with the art
• 0:52
  of Love. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
• 0:58
  over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
• 1:00
  contact army. Have you been a good little
• 1:03
  soldier? If you have, then you've
• 1:04
  downloaded my app Silencio, which now I am proud to announce
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  has a community feature, meaning you can interact with other
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  people who are also in no contact and in the same boat you
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  are. And you can post your stories or
• 1:20
  your comments and have other people respond.
• 1:22
  And I will be jumping in there and responding to the comments
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  from the premium members. So just update your Silencio app
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  or download it if you don't have it, and you can start chatting
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  with everybody else in the no Contact army.
• 1:38
  And the link to that app is underneath every single video
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  and podcast. And if you too would like to
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  join our army, as I just mentioned, all you have to do is
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  hit the subscribe button and the bell notification and you're in.
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  And to read our manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 1:56
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 2:00
  All right, let's get right into it.
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  So Avoidance break their own walls and they reach out because
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  they don't have the strength to keep them up anymore at a
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  certain point. And this is all based on
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  neuroscience and attachment behavior patterns.
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  So avoidance can distract all day, but distractions die at
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  night. And this is when avoidance feel
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  the truth. They've been running from all
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  day because in the daytime they can keep themselves safe by, you
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  know, being online, vaping, smoking, working out, talking to
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  people, watching TV, running errands, doing routine stuff,
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  whatever. Their avoidance works when
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  they're busy, when there's noise.
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  However, at night, the world goes quiet and avoidance loses
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  its power and their brain starts to wander exactly where they
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  don't want it to go. And that would be to you.
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  Now, here's something that I found interesting.
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  The prefrontal cortex. So that's the logical part of
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  the brain. It goes offline around 10:00 PM.
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  Now, what does that mean? Does that mean we all turn into
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  zombies at 10:00 PM? That's when I first started.
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  When I read that, I was like, what do you mean it?
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  No, although some of us do turn into zombies at 10:00 PM.
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  But no, what it means is that at night, the logical brain is less
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  active and the emotional brain is more active.
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  So the rational brain gets tired, as you know, right?
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  You can't really do some deep thinking and work at night, and
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  the emotional brain takes over. And that means that feelings go
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  up, impulse control goes down, self-control goes down, fear is
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  lower, avoidant defenses weaken, and anxiety feels more real.
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  And This is why avoidance suddenly do the thing they've
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  been afraid to do all day long, which is reach out.
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  Also, cortisol, which is the stress hormone, it dips at
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  midnight, the witching hour. So when cortisol drops, two
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  things happen. Anxiety goes down and emotional
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  vulnerability goes up. And this is when they think, oh,
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  I miss her. I miss him.
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  Oh I should just text or oh F it what have I got to lose?
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  And this usually happens between here's the time frame you've
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  been waiting for 11:00 PM and 3:00 AM.
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  Their time. OK, not your time.
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  So if you're in a long distance relationship, you have to
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  calculate their time. And between 11:00 PM and 3:00 AM
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  their guard is down. Their self-control is at its
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  lowest, their longing is at its highest, and their fear of
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  losing you goes up. So this is when they check their
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  phone, they reread old messages, they replay any voice notes you
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  left for them. They wonder if you're sleeping.
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  They wonder if you're thinking of them.
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  They wonder if you're gone forever.
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  This is a good thing. Avoidance get hit with the fear
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  of loss at night because in the day they think, well, I'll just
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  eventually text. Well, you know, we'll see.
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  I don't know. But at night it's, well, what if
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  I really lost them? What if I waited too long?
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  What if there was someone else? What if they never text again?
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  What if they think I don't care? So at night time, regret is
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  amplified, as well as longing, fear of abandonment, loneliness,
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  silence. And this is all a good thing.
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  Now, something else you need to know is that the nervous system
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  cycles every 90 minutes, and 11 PM, 1:00 AM, and 3:00 AM line up
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  with the emotional peaks. That's where those time frames,
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  those times come from, and the brain naturally hits emotional
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  peaks in those windows. And that's why avoidance break,
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  confess, apologize, send vulnerable messages, scroll old
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  texts and hover over the send button.
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  I've never hovered over a send button.
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  It sounds kind of funny, but that's what they do.
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  Or they'll write and then rewrite a message and they go,
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  no, no, that's not right. Let me rewrite this again.
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  No, no, that's not right. You know, so they're not
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  thinking straight, they're feeling.
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  And this pattern shows up in the thousands of avoidant case
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  studies. Avoidance reach out late at
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  night, especially after a period of silence.
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  And it's almost eerie how consistent it is.
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  Now. Here's the interpretation of
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  each time window and what it tells you about exactly where
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  they are emotionally when they reach out.
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  If they text at 11 now, it's not going to be exactly at 11
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  always. You know, it's like he texted at
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  11 O3. OK, that's fine.
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  But this is the least intense scenario emotionally.
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  It means that they were thinking about you during the evening,
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  They were feeling nostalgic. They miss the routine of you.
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  They're lonely, but they're not overwhelmed.
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  They feel enough control to reach out earlier in the
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  evening, well earlier than 3:00 AM anyway.
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  Their fear threshold is lower, and if it's a guy, their alpha
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  side is leading a bit more. So this is the stable missing
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  you. If they text at 1:00 AM, this is
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  the vulnerability rising scenario.
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  It means that they've been restless all evening.
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  Their avoidance tried to shut it down.
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  The silence got too loud, the emotional wave got stronger, and
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  they finally reached the point of well, I need to know where
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  they stand. So this is longing and fear
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  blending, and this is a deeper emotional reach out than the
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  11:00 PM version. And if they text at 3:00 AM,
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  their time again, this is the most emotionally loaded
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  scenario, and it means they're fully in their feelings.
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  They have fear, regret, longing, and attachment at its peak.
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  They can't sleep, the silence is unbearable, they're spiraling,
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  and they finally reach the point where fear of losing you is
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  greater than the fear of reaching out.
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  And this is the deepest emotional point.
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  So a 3:00 AM text means I can't keep holding this in.
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  So this is the most sincere, most vulnerable, and least
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  avoidant version of the three times.
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  Now you may be asking, well, what if they're asleep?
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  My ex isn't up at 1:00 AM or 3:00 AM.
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  Well, most people aren't. However, here's the thing.
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  Most people are not deep sleepers when their emotional
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  world is unsettled, right? It's called sleepless nights.
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  I'm sure we've all had them. And that's because the nervous
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  system is saying something's wrong, don't relax too much and
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  that causes shallow sleep, early waking, middle of the night
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  waking or overthinking at odd hours.
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  And this makes them reach for their phone because avoidance.
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  Don't lay in bed spiraling like people who are anxious.
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  They push everything away until their body can't suppress it
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  anymore, and then the nervous system wakes them up because the
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  silence is too loud. The day's avoidance has worn
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  off. The subconscious pushes emotions
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  forward, and the nervous system hits a mini panic.
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  So yes, anxiety will not keep them awake, but it will wake
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  them up. And that is how avoidance break
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  at night. So don't worry that your ex
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  isn't up at 1:00 AM, OK? At night.
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  They run out of defenses. They stop numbing, they stop
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  hiding, they stop pretending, pretending they don't care.
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  And that's when they reach for the one person whose presence
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  touch them in a way that nothing else in their life does.
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  That's when you get the message. So be prepared, be ready.
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  Do not freak out when you see the message.
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  I know you will. But be calm and take a breath
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  and remember what I've told you in all my videos about
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  responding and not responding. And if you need help, of course,
• 10:24
  you can always contact me for coaching.
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  But in the meantime, comment below how long you've been in no
• 10:31
  contact and how is it going. And then if you do want
• 10:33
  coaching, you can contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
• 10:38
  will send you the rates. They're not on the website.
• 10:41
  If you found this video helpful, be sure to subscribe so you
• 10:44
  don't miss future videos. If you're listening to this as a
• 10:47
  podcast, also be sure to subscribe so you don't miss
• 10:49
  future episodes. And remember, love inspires,
• 10:53
  empowers of lips and enlightens.