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Patterns Not People · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, this is Kim Lee, Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist, and I'm doing a quick podcast on the question of the podcasts and the various other things that I post on social media that are to do with relationships, particularly those that are abusive, personality types, and of course the majority being concerned with children, child development, mental health disorders, and the effects upon children who live in families that are compromised by conflict between parents.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the reason I'm doing this is that although I think everything speaks for itself, it should be remembered that what is being spoken in whatever form is about patterns and not people.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now I say this because the nature of uh this material is often quite sensitive.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes people say it's as if you're talking about me or someone I know.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm I'm not surprised that would explain the huge number of downloads that the podcasts have received in the last ten months.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we use words like resonate, when something resonates with us, it touches something inside us.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And very often, you know, that will be to do with our own experiences, and that can be quite painful.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: But it's important to understand this is about patterns, not individuals.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I am talking to whoever wants to listen, but I'm not talking to or about any given individual.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: My podcasts and the material is informed by many, many years of working with people where these patterns emerge.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the sorts of things that I'm concerned about, and I speak a lot about, are how we make a distinction between an episode, an event, and a sequence, because it's the sequence that creates the pattern.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: By examining the pattern, it then becomes possible to make sense of the events, and hopefully it helps people to see where they might be stuck.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is particularly helpful in abusive relationships, those where somebody might be connected with a coercive, controlling, avoidant, you know, the rest of the language, but can't quite make sense of it.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: And even when they do, they don't know how to get out, particularly if they have children, but not always.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: And for those people who have their own patterns of experiencing those kinds of relationships.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now, all of this is informed by not just everything I have seen in the consulting realm, but by extensive examination of these kinds of situations.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes because of my work with courts, social services, CAMS, the police.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's important that I have a thorough understanding of these things.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: So what I'm trying to do is to communicate them to people who I don't know, and if you're in the consulting room, we might be having a more specific discussion.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: But I want to make it clear that the purpose is to help people to identify what they may have experienced, what they might be experiencing, and how to move on.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: I talk about the empath and I talk about people who exploit the empath.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I talk about children who are caught in the crossfire between parents.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: I talk about the mental health of parents and the effect upon children.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: I talk about addiction.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Essentially, I talk about things that aren't polite to talk about.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I do so because I'm in a position where I feel that doing so may help.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't gain personally, I don't gain professionally, I'm not really interested in anything like that.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I do it because it's an economic way of communicating messages that I think are important.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you hear something or you see something, and you think that's me, well, it might be, but more likely it will be about hundreds, if not thousands, of others who are just like you.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: I do call things out because I think that's a good thing to do, and I do so always on the basis of experience and evidence.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because back here in the consulting room, I see the damage that is often caused by behaviours which are at the very least troubling.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: I've produced a 16-page booklet which is free to download on my website, thechildren's consultancy.com, and go to the resources section where you will find all of the podcasts.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: But you'll also find the compendium of parenting guides and the booklet which is entitled Parental Alienation or Child Protection.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And this is particularly relevant at the moment when the government, or the parliament in particular, are looking at re-examining the notion of the presumption of contact.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is an area of work that I'm called to comment on in courts and in other settings.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: It is an extension of my work and is that part of it that is concerned with advocating for the child.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of my work and the details I can't disclose because it it they would identify potentially the people concerned.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so I translate these into a broader context in the hope that it finds the right people.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: The booklet is based upon all of the findings in relation to the current findings in relation to this notion of parental alienation.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And while I'm on the subject, parental alienation is not a legal term, and whilst it may be voiced by many, it is regarded as a counter-alegation.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: It has nothing to do with the child, it has everything to do with the person making the allegation.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the things you will often hear, and I often call out, is that people who would would bemoan the fact that they are the victims of being alienated by their wicked exes, that's a headline.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm interested in stories.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And so what I'm doing in this booklet is talking a bit about what's the story?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: How did it how did it get to this point where a mother is saying that she is blocking contact between the child and and the father?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: It works the other way around as well, but in my experience, the predominant balance is mothers protecting children.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: How did it get that way?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: What's happened?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: What is happening?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: The child isn't the possession, and if you think you have a legal right to see your child, you're wrong.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: You don't.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: You have certain rights, but those are to do with responsibility and decision making, and they're not to do with your needs.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Harsh as it may be to hear that, it's enshrined in law.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: The 1989 Children Act makes very clear that the rights of the child override whatever is perceived as the rights of the adult in certain respects.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So obviously, I'm going to be talking about things, and I do talk about things that many people many people might identify with, either because they are the victims of something, or they're the perpetrators, or because they are aware of the effects upon children.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Once again, this is about patterns and not people.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: I do talk to people, but I do that in the confines of my consulting room, and I am governed by the ethical framework that I operate under.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: So this isn't a disclaimer, it's an explainer.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I sincerely hope that it helps clarify things for people, gives them an overarching context.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: It may be the case that I really don't need to be so explicit, but I've decided that that's the case because I want to be very clear about the purpose of my work online, so to speak.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: In the next episode, because this is an interim one, I'm going to return to the subject of I wish my parents would.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: When that series is done, I'm going to be talking about the empath and the abuser.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's going to be particularly difficult because we're going to be looking at some pretty exposing things.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: But once again, we're exposing patterns, not people.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.