Latest / Beautifully Complex / 362: The Science and Soul Behind Raising Joyful Kids, with Kira Willey

Transcript

362: The Science and Soul Behind Raising Joyful Kids, with Kira Willey · Beautifully Complex

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: So it's connecting with them on their level and using
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: concepts like the weather and birthday candles and hybridating bears
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: and hopping crickets to engage with them in a way
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: that makes sense to them, not with our adult world
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: of words and words and words right and explanations and justifications.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: And this is why we got to go, and we're
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: going to be laid in this right, which we do understandably.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: That's where we live, We have schedules, we have an agenda.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: That's not where young children live, and so we need
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: to connect with them where they live in a way
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: that makes sense to them.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: if you want more support, join our free community at
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: hub dot be beautifully complex dot life. Welcome back everyone
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: to Beautifully Complex. I'm really excited to be having a
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: conversation for you with Kira Willie and we're going to
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: talk about raising joyful kids. How do we do that?
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: That's the goal, right, So how do we do that?
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: How do we get there? And what can we do
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: in our day to day lives to help to foster that? Kira,
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: will you start by letting everyone know who you are
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: and what you do.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: Yes. I am an author, a musician, children's recording artist,
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: and a kid's mindfulness and yoga expert. I've been working
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: for more than two decades with kids all over the
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: globe and the grown ups who love them to bring
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: mindful practices to them through movement and music and school
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: programs and performances and tradings and teachings and all kinds
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: of good stuff. And I believe strongly that when we
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: empower kids to live in their bodies and to connect
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: with them where they live, which is in this world
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: of imagination and play and singing and wiggling and dancing,
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: we fully engage them and that's how they get empowered
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: to be their best selves.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: Love it. Let's start with just describing what is a
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: joyful child in your mind?
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: That's a great question. In my mind, a joyful child
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: is one who is regulated most of the time, not
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: all of the time. And by regulated, it's really important.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: I don't mean calm, you know, calm is great sometimes,
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: But what I mean is having an appropriate response to
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: a stimulus as opposed to an outsized response to a stimulus. Right,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: being able to feel safe enough in their bodies and
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: in their surroundings and with the grown ups around them
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: that they have appropriate levels of response and are mostly regular.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: Doesn't mean happy all the time. Nobody's happy all the time.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: Doesn't mean they get whatever they want or anything like that,
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: but it means they're mostly able to regulate themselves, to
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: manage their bodies and their emotions.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we talk so much about regulation here, and so
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: I'm really glad that you've made that connection also with
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: finding joy and really accepting what our bodies are telling us,
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: like really keying in on that. But we have to
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: teach that to kids, right, How do we do that?
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: How do we get them more aware and connected to that?
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: So the root of mindfulness is self awareness, right, And
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: if we think of regulation as sort of a house
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: we want to build the foundation of that house is
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: self awareness, and then all the rooms we want to
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: build out. I you know, when I train teachers, we
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: talk about the rooms being those character strengths. We want
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: children to have resilience and compassion and empathy, all those
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: sort of outward facing skills. But it's an inside job
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: at first. The foundation of that house of regulation is
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: self awareness, and so mindful practices are self aware. By definition,
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: mindfulness simply means being fully present, being fully aware of
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: what's happening in any given moment, right. And I like
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: to add with kids with kindness and curiosity, and so
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: mindful practices help children, help teach children's self awareness. But
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: here's the really big thing. Mindfulness doesn't need to mean
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: sitting still on a cushion and closing your eyes and
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: breathing for twenty minutes. It can, and that's fabulous, but
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: it does not need to, especially for young children. And
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: it can mean inhabiting your body right, being aware of
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: your body is in space and what your body is doing,
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: and wiggling your body and being aware of the sensations
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: that that creates, creating a pattern of rhythm with your
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: hands or with body percussion, being aware of the sensations
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: that creates. It can be taking long, deep breaths in
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: and out, pretending you're a bear. Hibernating for the winter,
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: and paying attention to the sensation that creates inside your body.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: So mindful practice is our self awareness practices, but they
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: can be kid friendly and fun and short right and
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: engage kids where they live. And that's what all my
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: work is about, is engaging them where they are, connecting
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: with them in a way that makes sense to children.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: It sounds like there's a lot of play, and imagine
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: imaginative play especially talk to us a little bit more
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: about that.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, the magic formula for any mindful activity
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: with kids is short, kid friendly, and consistent. But it's
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: that kid friendly piece that's critical. So for example, I
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: do frequently do assemblies or school performances for four hundred kindergarteners,
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: and I in about a minute can get them to
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: be quiet and still. By doing bear breath, we literally
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: pretend we're bears hibernating for the winter. We get really
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: cozy in our bear cave, super cozy in our bear cave,
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: and we take long, slow, deep breaths in and out
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: through our noses, and we keep breathing like that because
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: we're bears. This is how we hibernate, and we imagine
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: how warm and safe and relaxed. We are in our
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: bare cave. And that's the really ship short version, but
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: the long version is only thirty to sixty seconds. Yeah,
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: it works like a charm, but it didn't work because
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: I talked to kids about stimulating their vagus nerve and
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: bringing their nervous system back online. Right. It worked because
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: we use a fun, child friendly concept. Children love to
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: pretend they're cozy bears finding their cave and hybridating for
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: the winter. So it's connecting with them on their level
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: and using concepts like the weather and birthday candles and
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: hybridating bears and hopping crickets to engage with them in
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: a way that makes sense to them, not with our
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: adult world of words and words and words right and
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: explanations and justifications. And this is why we got to
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: go and we're going to be laid and right, which
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: we do understandably. That's where we live. We have schedules,
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: we have an agenda. We've got to tell that's not
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: where young children live, and so we need to connect
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: with them where they live in a way that makes
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: sense to them.
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: So I'm just as you were talking thinking about like
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: can you talk to about what it might look like
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: if you are trying to get out the door and
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: it is a struggle, and we're not going to use
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: our words, what are we gonna do instead? What does
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: that look like?
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: Great question? So it's connecting with them first. So I
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: have like I have Mama mantras throughout my book that
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: are good for any grown up who loves children. But
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: one of them is connect then direct. So I did
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: this all the time when my kids were little. I
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: would holler from the kitchen, right, holler from the kitchens
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: time to go. We gotta go, go find your Do
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: you have your backpack? Did you get right? No response.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: I can still hear the blocks clickety clacking in the
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: other room. But if I walk into the other room,
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: if I slow my roll a minute, get down on
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: their level, make eye contact, maybe a hand on the shoulder.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: Ask for a thirty second, what are you doing? What
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: is this that you're building? Let that I mean, you
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: have to be able to be patient for that thirty
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: seconds and sixty seconds. Connect right, So do this with
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: my son. Tell me about this tower that you're building.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, it's going to be the tallest tower
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: in the whole country. And the policeman's going to live here,
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: and great, can we work on this more after school? Yeah? Okay,
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: and then eye contact it's time to go. Yeah, and
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: we get up and we go. It's so much more
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: effective because now he feels that connection to me. A
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: lot of times lack of for lack of a better world,
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: I'll call it cooperation, right, is because of lack of
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: connection with trusted and loved grown up. Right. When we
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: establish that connection, that cooperation is so much more likely
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: to follow. They feel he feels seen and understood and heard. Yeah,
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: now he's ready to Now he's like, what do you
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: want to do? Okay, I'll go let's I'll get my
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: shoes on. You know.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say. They
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: feel seen and heard and understood, like you have seen them,
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: You've seen that this is important to them. This is
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: highly of interest, right, acknowledge what they're doing, and then
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: you're asking them to make a shift. And I interviewed
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: mister Chaz a couple of years ago, and I remember
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: him saying, and it's stuck with me that we want
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: kids to come on the journey with us willingly. We
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: don't want to force them to get out the door.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: We don't want to force them to even like go
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: have a fun family day. We want to have them
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: be on the journey with us willingly. And this is
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: part of how we do that, right, is to really
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: engage with them.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: And we have to recognize that for young children, especially,
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: transitions can feel like a loss. They're absorbed in something
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: that they really want to do. They don't have the
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: sense of time that we need to be at the
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: you know, the event at this particular time. All they
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: really have awareness of is that you're taking them out
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: of this thing that they really are enjoying doing. Right,
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: I have to find a way to bridge that. It's
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: very jarring, right to bridge that, and the way to
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: do that is by connecting with them on their level.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I know that movement and music is a
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: big piece of what you teach kids and the grown
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: ups in their lives. You talk to us a little
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: bit about why that's important, what does that help with,
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: and maybe what it looks like to incorporate that day
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: to day.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, let's start with rhythm. Rhythm is the most
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: basic building block of music, right. You can have rhythm
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: without music. You can't have music without rhythm and rhythm
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: is very regulating in our bodies. So rhythm is structure, right,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: if you think of a beat, it's very symmetrical and
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: structured and steady, and so that feels good. There's a
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: reason that when you hear a great song come on
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: you know the radio, you probably start to move a
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: little right, your shoulders go, your head bops, or your
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: foot taps. It's because you're sinking with that rhythm in
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: a way that really feels good. It's grounding. And so
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: for children, rhythm is an incredible tool to use. And
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: there's actually really fascinating studies around rhythm and music in
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: the brain as opposed to listening to speech. So when
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: we listen to someone speak, when a child hears us
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: talk talk talking right about what we need to do
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: and how we need to leave the house, it lights
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: up a certain part of their brain. When they're hearing
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: rhythm and music, more parts of their brain are actually
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: lighting up, so more blood flow is going to the brain,
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: putting it in a more focused state. Amazing, you're literally
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: making them more alert and focused and more engaged. Even
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: if all you do is play a steady beat and
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: put your words to the beat. Make it more fun. Right,
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: that's it. Yeah, you don't need to be a singer
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: or a musician. I get that push back a lot, right, Like,
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: I'm not a singer, I'm not a musician. It doesn't matter.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: You don't have to be. Literally, just start by using
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: a beat, using rhythm. It's more engaging. Plus it's novel,
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: so it kind of triggers that like pattern interruption like
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: wait what and gets attention that way too. But it's
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: really a really, really powerful tool. You can also put
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: your instructions that you use to Like if you think
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: of life with a young child, especially teachers or our
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: parents with kids, that they have daily routines where they
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: say the same things over and over again, you're likely
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: giving the same instructions at the same time of day,
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: probably repeatedly. Right. That needs to be a song, right,
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: that needs to be put to a melody or music.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: And put it to a melody you know already save
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: yourself the trouble, right, put it to the ABC song
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: melody or you know, I don't know you are my
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: sunshine or something that you already know, or make it up.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: But when we put information to a melody, it's not
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: only more engaging. As we've already established, it's way more memorable.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: It sticks better. Musical memories are more durable in the brain.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: There's more on a super nerd for studies. There's another
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: super fascinating study about people with dementia who really who
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: can't remember their families or you know, what they did
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: that day, they can sing their wedding song because those
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: musical memories are so durable. So there's another way to
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: use it is to put your instructions about jammis on
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: and teeth brushing and whatever it is to a song. Yeah,
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: they'll learn it quickly and pick it up. It'll be
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: more fun and engaging, and they'll remember pretty soon. They'll
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: just be able to sing it themselves because it sticks
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: in their brain, you know. So there's lots of ways
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: to use it in every day life. And again, it's
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: not about being a musician or a singer. No one's
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: going to file a complaint about your pitch, you know.
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know it's all good, but yeah.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: It's all good. But I mean most parents, not all,
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: most parents sang to their infants when they were little, right,
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: So you've got it in you, you know what I mean?
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: It's there.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, And I'm thinking about our nerd divergent kids
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: and how they sometimes struggle with executive function. So working memory,
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: if I give you a three step process and you
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: walk away from me, you're probably not going to be
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: able to complete it without some sort of structure of
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: like a written list or something. But now I'm thinking
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: we could put it to music. If we had these
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: routines and we made them a song, then they're gonna
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: stick better in that memory and it can really help
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: to offset some of that some of that deficit. Amazing exactly.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: And you're keeping it in a place of joy and
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: play too as a post in this place of instruction
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: and command and directive yep, which just changes the vibe right,
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: And it's just brings more joy into the daily routine,
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: which is sometimes where it's hard to find in those
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: daily things we got to get done, right. Yeah, So
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: it's it's sometimes joy isn't always present there or easy
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: to find there, but if you bring in music and
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: rhythm and it it really helps. Yeah.
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah. My son first grade teacher years ago, she would
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: play a particular song for transition time, and so the
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: kids came to remember, like to automatically if they heard
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: a particular song, they knew, oh it's time for me
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: to go sit in my seat and get out my
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: you know, math notebook or whatever. And it was magical.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: I spent a good bit of time observing and helping
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: in the classroom that year because we were trying to
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: figure things out what was going on. And she had
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: such a command of the room without ever being commanding,
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: if that makes sense, without really directing very much, because
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: she really leaned into being playful using music and movement,
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: and it really makes a difference, Like I started doing
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: that at home. Okay, well let's put a minute and
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: a half, two minutes for brushing teeth. Let's find a
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: song that we like that means this is the brushing
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: teeth time. And it was so helpful.
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And that's another great thing about music is it
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: can change your emotional state. It can shift the energy right,
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: so you are the DJ of the vibe in your house.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: You can decide what you want it to be right.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: And so you probably know this intuitively, but music that
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: has a strong beat and heavy bass is really empowering,
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: has that empowering grounding fields. Music that is lighter and
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: higher up at the range. It is really melodic, is
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: calming and soothing music with a tempo of about sixty
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: to eighty beats per minute, which mirrors arresting heartbeat. Is
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: very calming. So you can literally decide, you know what
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: cleanup time, what's the vibe going to be? We getting
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: this done in five minutes? You know, we put on
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: the bang and song and you put on the soothing
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: song in the car when you're hoping for a quiet,
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: mellow car. You know, whatever it is. But you have
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: a lot of power, so to speak, at your disposal
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: because music has such incredible, incredible of changing the emotional state.
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, for my kid, here's neudivergent. It's actually that
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: really fast, heavy music that soothes him, which is so counterintuitive, right,
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: But and I've talked to so many parents whose kids
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: are the same and they're like, oh my gosh, I
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: didn't realize.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: That's the regulation of that beat though, That's what it is.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: That beat feels really good in their bodies. It's like
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: it's predictable and like strong and like, you know, it's
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: like some children need that heavy work, you know, they
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: need that ye that just like they love that joint
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: pressure and all that good stuff. I have one of those.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: It feels good. It's it is. It seems a little
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: counterintuitive on the surface, but if you think about it,
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: it makes perfect sense.
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: Mm hmm, it really does. And it really helped me
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: to open my mind to people being different, right, Like
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: we have different you know, if you play that, for me,
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: it is too much, right, I just have a different
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: nervous system, and for me that's too much. But for him,
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: it's just the most soothing thing in the world. And
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: it's amazing to me. You know, like heavy metal with
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: double bass helps him to chill out. You know, it's crazy,
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: but it works. Yeah, yeah, And it is that rhythm
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: he used to in high school. He had an iPad
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: because he has a writing disability, and he would start
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: making beads with an app in the middle of class,
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: like you know, not out loud. He had he was
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: able to wear like a headphone, and we came to
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: realize that that was his way of getting regulated again.
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: Like he was this is too much, I can't focus,
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: so I'm going to do this for a minute, and
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: then he would get back to doing what he was doing.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: And it was like just during you know, work at
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: your seat time. It wasn't disruptive or anything like that,
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: and it was kind of magical to learn that about
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: him through like these instincts that he was having, Yeah,
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: to create rhythm, to create beats to soothe himself.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: That's incredible.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: It's really amazing.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, what greats self awareness by him to realize that
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: that's what he needed and to do it. Yeah, I'd
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: love that. Yeah, that's incredible. Yeah. I wish we could
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: use rhythm more with neudivergent kids because I think it
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: would for a lot and not for as you said,
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: every child is completely unique, but I think that it
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: is it can be really effective in a lot of
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: situations for everyone. I, you know, have been listening to
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: podcasts when I get ready in the morning for years,
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: and just a couple of months ago, I said, you
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: know what, I'm going to start listening to music.
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: I don't know why, Like music makes me so happy,
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: and I'm just gonna start listening to music in the
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: morning instead of you know, true crime and all of
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: these other things. And just the rhythm has made such
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: a difference in how I feel in the morning, and like,
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna stick with us, you know.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I mean it also releases you know, oxytocin,
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: and we get endorphins from it, and all this goods,
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: I mean, is all kinds of science around the benefits
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: of music and particularly in a group creating any kind
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: of music. So if you create music, even if that's
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: a beat with your child or in a group or
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: a classroom setting, the unifying effect that that has, the
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: bonding effect that that has is incredible. Collective music making
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: is really really powerful. It brings our heart rates into sync.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: It lowers our breathing rate, I mean, it lowers cortisol.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: There's all kinds of great science around it. But yes,
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: even just listening to music yourself, on your own releases
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: those endorphins, dopamine. You know, that feel good. It's like
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: somebody liked my Instagram post. That feeling it goes from
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: comes from comes from listening to music. It's really really powerful.
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, talk to us a little bit more about some
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: ideas for older kids, For parents who have middle school teens,
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: young adults, how can they use rhythm, use movement, use music,
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: use whatever you recommend to create that joyful environment for them.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: I think sometimes when children get older, we think that
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: they're grown up. Pretty quickly, and we go right to
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: the cognitive, right the brain, We sort of forget that
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: they still love to be in their bodies. They need
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: to be in their bodies. Right. The studies on like
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: movement in kids when you move from elementary school to
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: middle school and how much the movement drops because recesses
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: go away and all that type of stuff, and the
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: effect that it has are astonishing. Children. All of us,
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: by the way, need to move a lot, but children
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: up until you know their choice, they have to move
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: a lot every day. And I think that a big
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: thing that happens is we just we kind of forget
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: about that, We forget they like to be silly, they
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: like to play, they like to be in their bodies,
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: and we go more to explanations and you know, just
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: sort of stuff in the brain. And I think that's
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: a mistake. I mean, I mostly work with early elementary
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: and elementary age, but when I work with older ages,
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: I bring them play and I bring them balance, challenges
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: and movement. And what I do to keep it age
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: appropriate is I make it challenging. I'll make it more
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: challenging than I would for a younger child. So we'll
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: do a tongue twister, for example, put it to a beat,
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: and then once we get good at that, we get
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: a little faster. Once we get good at that, we
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: do that while we're standing on one leg. And once
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: we get good at that, we do you know. So
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: I'm adding layers of challenge and they love it. You know,
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: they're being challenged. They get a little bit healthfully competitive
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: with it. But it requires complete and total focus as
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: to what's going on in their body. So we still
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: have to keep them in their bodies and we find
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: out what you know, you got to find out what
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: lights them up obviously, right, So you're not going to
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: do a hopping like a cricket game with a ninth
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: grader is it's just not going to take. But there
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: are ways of having them embody. Like I do affirmations
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: with older kids with big power poses. So we'll have
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: them come up with their own affirmation and when we
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: say it, we're standing in a warrior two pose and
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: we making muscles and we holler it out and then
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: I ask them create their own make another one, make
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: another one, try a different pose, take up space. They
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: eat it up. They absolutely love it. So I think
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: it's really about remembering that kids of all ages need
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: to be in their bodies. That's where that self awareness
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: is developed, from paying attention to what's going on in
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: their bodies and not going too early to like, let's
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, which
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: is great, and at that age they could certainly handle
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: explanations of what's happening in their brain and why this
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: is important and all that kind of stuff, but not
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: to live there. They still need to live in their bodies.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: I love that. Yeah, And I don't know why we
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: decided that there's a certain age at which we stop playing.
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: I know, we stop being silly and we stop having fun.
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: Like you know, adults need it too. It's helpful every age,
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: for every human. Yeah, but at some point we just
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: decided that we're not going to do that. It's too juvenile.
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: So I love that you're giving us some examples of
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: ways to really incorporate play and laughter with older kids.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: It's so important. Joy and laughter and play shouldn't be,
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: you know, especially as we get older, the reward after
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: we get X, Y and Z done. Yeah, it should
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: be part of the destination, part of the daily routine.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: There's a whole chapter in my new book called Let's Play.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: Each chapter has exercises for the grown up and for
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: the child, and for the grown up and child together
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: the grown up ones has exercises to help you reconnect
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: to that sense of play. Help you remember, just pause,
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: what did you love to get absorbed in when you
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: were little? Just remember? You know, is there a way
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: you could bring a little bit back of that back
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: into your life? What used to crack you up to
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: the point where you had tears in your eyes and
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: couldn't stop laughing? You know, my grandmother used to call
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: it the church giggles, Like when you get the giggles
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: in church and you couldn't stop. You know, maybe you
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: could just stop what you're doing when nobody's home and
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: put on a great song and just dance for two minutes. Yep,
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: you know things like that that we like, Yeah, why
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: did we decide we're too grown up to do these things?
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: That makes no sense.
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: We're really not, We're really really not.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: And it brings so much joy. I guarantee you put
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: on a song you love and you dance for two minutes,
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: you are going to feel better, you know, really? Yeah?
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, yeah, And we need to teach our kids by
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: modeling that to keep doing it as they get older,
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: right right.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: Joy is a worthy Yeah, it's a worthy goal in
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: it self. Just fun, just play.
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: I knew a family years ago that they did a
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: dance party every morning and everybody did it. The grown
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: ups did it, the kids did it, and it was
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: every single morning before school. They never skipped it. They
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: always did it, and it just created a totally different
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: vibe for the day, right, totally different energy leaving the house,
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: going to work, going to school and doing the things
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: that you have to do. And you know it's like
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: two minutes, Yeah, five minutes, great way to start the day. Yeah,
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: we're not asking for you to get up an hour earlier.
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: Five minutes or less, that's all you needed to do it.
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: Or if you drive your kids to school, play music,
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: sing in the car, dance around in your seat, you know,
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: like they need that. School is stressful, they need that totally.
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: I agree that in the mood.
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, what else do we need to know about raising
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: joyful kens?
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: I think a big part of it is that for
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: kids to be joyful, as we talked about the very beginning,
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: is they need to feel safe in their bodies, need
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: to feel safe in their surroundings, and a big part
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: of that is the grown up state of mind, you know.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: So it's really important to pay attention to getting your
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: own emotional house in order. And you know, I have
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: a Calm Connect Create framework, and the calm people often
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: think at the outset, oh, that must be calm your child.
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: It doesn't. It means calm yourself, right, It means what
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: do you need to do to calm yourself and calm
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: your environment, you know, in your schedule, if at all possible.
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: But calming yourself is so big because we want the
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: best for our children, right, we want to give them
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: the best resources, the best schools and teachers and food
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: and all of this stuff. By far, the best resource
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: we can give our child is the calmest, most grounded
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: version of ourselves by far. Like it's way out front
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: of everything else. And so getting our own house in order,
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: so to speak, is just absolutely critical. Nothing else even
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: comes close. And so we think about it that way,
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: we realize how important it is. I know, the term
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: self care gets thrown around a lot, and some people
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: are like, no self care, no, no, no, it's just getting
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: your own emotional house in order so that you can
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: show up as the best version of you, as the
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: most fully present version of you, and it makes a
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: huge difference. I tell a story in the book about
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: my daughter who had lots of challenges growing up. Getting
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: dressed was one of them. I mean, every morning tears,
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: you know, negotiations, the whole thing. And we were in
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: the middle of one such sort of battle, and I
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: was getting more frustrated and more frustrated and more frustrated.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: And then I had to take a phone call and
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: I stepped out of the room and I completely shifted
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: my whole mood right and I was like, Hi, how
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: are you nice? You know, on the phone. A minute
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: and a half later, I come back in. She's calmly
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: putting on her tights, and I'm calmly coming off this phone,
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: and I was like, the only thing that shifted was
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: my energy. That's it. That's the only thing that changed,
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: you know, in that situation. So your energy, how you're
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: showing up makes a huge difference. And there's lots of
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: very small baby step practices that we can do to
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: just help ourselves show up better even when things are
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: not great. It doesn't mean perfect, it doesn't mean fixing
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: all the problems but it means finding enough presence and
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: equanimity to be able to deal with something a little
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: more gracefully. You know, That's what it means. It's not
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: a magic pill or anything like that, but it means
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: when you practice just enough self care and presence, you
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: have more clarity to deal with what's.
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: Going on, and we're able to be the parent we
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: actually want to be.
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: I always add that, like grant is how we're able
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: to actually show up the way we want to show up,
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: not just the way our kids need us to, but
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: it's also for us. Yeah, it makes Yeah, it makes
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: such a great difference. Yep, h makes all the difference. Kiara,
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: tell us about where everybody can find your book and
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: your website and all that good stuff so that they
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: can maybe grab the book, learn more from you. Connect.
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Please. The book is available at the Joyful childbook
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: dot com and you can learn all about me and
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: all of my resources at Kirowilly dot com.
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: Love it, and I'm going to link all of that
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: in the show notes at PARENTINGADHD and autism dot com,
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: so it's easy for everyone to find you and connect
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: and grab the book. It has been delightful to talk
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: to you, and I'm going to take some of this
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: energy with me for the rest of my day, you know,
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: and just remind that reminder to breathe and let things
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: be lighter. Everything doesn't have to be as serious as
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: it feels like it has to be.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: You know. My I grew up with my grandmother. She
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: had a saying it doesn't have to be so hard,
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: and it really is sort of the heart of the
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: message in the daily routines. The daily we can bring
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: more joy and laughter and play into them and we'll
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: all be better for it. Yes, thank you so much
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: for having me. I appreciate it, of course, thank you.
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: I'll see everybody next time. Take good care. I see you.
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: You're doing hard and meaningful work and you don't have
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: to do it alone. If you found this episode helpful,
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: share it with someone who needs it and leave a
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: quick review so others can find this support too. When
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: you're ready for next steps, the Regulated Kids Project is
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: here with the tools, coaching, and community to help you
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get more info at
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: regulated kids dot com.