Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Adults Used To Have Sex

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Adults Used To Have Sex · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom, show, today, I'm going to talk about how adults
• 0:10
  used to have sex and I'm going to use some some other TV shows
• 0:15
  to give examples for this hypothesis to support my
• 0:20
  hypothesis of this were research, which it's not.
• 0:23
  But before we get to that that I'd like to tell you to
• 0:26
  subscribe because my most recent subscriber episode was why kids
• 0:31
  especially the tween teenage find it harder to empathize
• 0:34
  with. Or successful parents,
• 0:36
  particularly men, particularly if they're emotionally avoidant.
• 0:39
  So, you will understand that better.
• 0:41
  You may have noticed, you know, this is commonly phrases.
• 0:45
  Why do my kids treat me like shit?
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  I do have a podcast about that, but if you are in the
• 0:50
  particularly super successful bracket than this would be the
• 0:54
  podcast for you. So anyway, in my ongoing quest
• 0:59
  to show you guys how sociologically there's been a
• 1:02
  tremendous shift that That contributes to the sexless
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  marriage. Boom I was watching.
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  I told you I watched my so-called life in a previous
• 1:13
  episode on how you know kids used to have two kids TV as I
• 1:17
  discussed in a prior episode if it was made for teens like my
• 1:21
  so-called life, it also used to include adults having sex.
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  Like obviously not a porn scene but you know the adults would be
• 1:30
  like kissing in the kitchen or they would be like kissing in
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  bed and then it would Fade Out. It was like a known thing at
• 1:36
  that like adults have sex like this.
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  Like a thing that was known and I was positive because it was
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  always like that the kid would like complain about like you Mom
• 1:46
  and Dad and then like usually because it's a TV show, there's
• 1:49
  got to be drama and this happened in 90210 to then the
• 1:53
  marriage has problems, right? So Mom and Dad have problems, a
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  kid who thought their life was perfect.
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  Mom and dad now have problems and kind of like they wish Mom
• 2:02
  and Dad would go back to the making out all the time.
• 2:04
  You know, like they wish Mom and Dad would go back to what they
• 2:07
  previously thought was the gross kissing because now Mom and Dad
• 2:11
  have some sort of other bigger issue, which is interesting Lee
• 2:14
  commonly infidelity, which is yet some more evidence that
• 2:17
  adults had sex in Prior Generations.
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  You know, that cannot support my hypothesis even further.
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  So I was also watching Dawson's Creek.
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  I watched one of those with my kids the other day.
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  The first episode of Dawson's Creek.
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  You remember that one? It had young Katie Holmes in it.
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  But anyway, much like every other episode I was astonished
• 2:40
  because adults had sex yet again in a TV show.
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  That was for kids that I watched when I was a preteen and I think
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  that, you know, I forget what it came out.
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  It was in the 90s that I was either a teen or a preteen, you
• 2:56
  know, and whatever it was just thought of it as good and normal
• 3:01
  that adults have sex. So he comes in Dawson comes in
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  its parents are Getting out and they're not just like making out
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  like kissing like pecking they're like really making out
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  like they're rolling around in the living room and this is
• 3:12
  thought to be totally normal. Then PC who's like Dawson's
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  friend? Says like what y'all gotta sit
• 3:18
  down before you like fall down of shock or just laughed
• 3:22
  yourself to death? Like they're working in their
• 3:26
  videos store and this MILF comes in and PC.
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  Another teenage boy says to Dawson the first teenage boy
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  Like something about ya like it. Like she's a mom.
• 3:39
  Like we all know moms have great sex lives and I just was thought
• 3:43
  that was so fucking funny. Right?
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  Because now a days it's like thought to be exactly the
• 3:48
  opposite like moms like are supposed to be completely
• 3:52
  neutered and have no sex you know so it's basically men
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  either see like MILFs in porn or else like all of the women in
• 4:01
  their demographic, including their own wives who are like no
• 4:04
  No, no can't have sex when the kids are away, can't have sex.
• 4:07
  If the kids are asleep, can't have sex.
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  If the kids exist can't have sex at all, you know.
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  So it's very very interesting that Mom's used to be thought of
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  as people who have sex just by virtue of live being married.
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  Thus you know you have sex with your husband.
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  So it was like super interesting and it made me think about this
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  whole idea where I've told you. That I've worked with young
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  people, like people in their young NG twenties frequently
• 4:36
  more and more over the years. They don't want to have kids and
• 4:39
  frequently, they don't want to get married and you know, a lot
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  of them when they're saying why they say, like, my parents life
• 4:46
  suck. Do you know that my parents
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  lives weren't fun at all? You know, like my parents were
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  great, they brought me everywhere, they did every thing
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  but you know, I don't want that kind of Life whose like, just
• 4:57
  all driving me places and going to work and then they would just
• 5:01
  like be like watching TV, or maybe have a drink or something
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  that I mean, they didn't have any fun, they're barely ever
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  smiling. They're always stressed out like
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  I guess it was the kids that did it, or maybe it was the
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  marriage, I don't know, but I certainly don't want to be in
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  that position and I mean they got a point, right?
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  Because like adulthood the way that parents act nowadays,
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  adulthood doesn't. Look fun.
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  It doesn't look like something that people enjoy.
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  It looks like you're sacrificing yourself as soon as the kids get
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  into the picture. You're completely sacrificing
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  your adult life to them and this is Is why I'm such a big
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  proponent of. Yes of course you should have
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  sex as a parent, you know. Like the only people that think
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  it's like a worst-case scenario to like, try to get into your
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  parents room and you can't because the door is locked like
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  this. Literally, like what people tell
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  me frequently can't lock the door.
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  Why can't you lock the door? So I say, okay, so can you have
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  sex at night after the kid goes to sleep fine.
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  Yeah but we can't lock the doors so I'm very Comfortable to do it
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  because we keep some sometimes they say we can't closed doors.
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  Oh, why not? Well, what if they wanted to get
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  in? They say to me as though I'm
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  some sort of an idiot, right? So I say well, they would knock,
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  you know, as well. No, we don't have any closed
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  doors at our house. It's not a closed-door house.
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  What the fuck? Then you know what's not a close
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  to our house is like a monastery, you know, like why
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  have any privacy that? You know, you're not supposed to
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  be having sex not supposed to be jerking off?
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  That's called a Convent or a monastery in a house with an
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  adult. Apple that's supposed to be
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  having an intimate relationship. Yo, I totally get how be super
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  traumatizing for your kid to see like, Mom and Dad having sex,
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  you're totally with you, you know, yes, that is really,
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  really inappropriate 100%. You know what's not traumatic?
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  Was that traumatic has happened to knock like that is not
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  traumatic that shows like, oh, hey, like we are all separate
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  people. You know, we have boundaries,
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  like, it would be as crazy as people say.
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  Like, I don't close the door when Poop.
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  Because like my kid has to be able to get in.
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  No, they don't. They don't have to get in there
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  while you poop. No, they don't.
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  That's that's completely you. You'd be private, you know about
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  your bodily functions. Totally normal, you know, and so
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  it feels like, I'm think about it now.
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  Think about going back to how you grew up, right?
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  The only parents who are the only people now adults, who now
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  have kids. So the only parents now who are
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  traumatized by the idea or think their kids would be By the idea
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  of having to knock or people who were raised in extremely
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  dysfunctional families. So I mean II, so the couple that
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  are possible or either people who has saw some sort of
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  horrible overly, sexualized Behavior between their parents
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  that was super traumatizing. So they don't want to in any
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  way. Have any, you know, anything
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  quote inappropriate happening in their house at all.
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  So there are people who are totally traumatized by their
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  parents having like loud. Ask the doors, half-open
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  constantly making sexual jokes innuendos you know, making
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  comments even in front of the kids friends, like just like
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  super sexualized Behavior, you know, generally done by pretty
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  narcissistic people. So those sometimes become
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  parents who don't want to have sex anywhere near and want the
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  kid to know that they are always the center of attention, because
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  these people themselves felt correctly, that they were
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  shunted to the side. In favor of their parents adult,
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  you know, interests? Right.
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  So, so definitely in that case, I see where it comes from, it's
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  still no healthier, right? Because then you're completely
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  in meshed and codependent with your kid, that doesn't
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  understand what a closed-door is, you know, that's not helpful
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  but I get where it comes from. It just means that you would
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  have to work on resolving, those childhood issues.
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  And then there are people in another Camp who are just
• 8:59
  repeating. What they saw whose parents were
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  basically ahead of the of the curve helicopter.
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  Sand sacrificial parents before any, such existed and who didn't
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  have any closed doors in their house.
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  Which basically means you had a house where you had a sexless
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  marriage between your parents who are ahead of the time, you
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  know, because rates of sexless marriages have gone up now, but
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  but your parents and this situation where you're just
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  replicating, what you saw, they never had any close doors
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  because they were never having sex, you know?
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  And they were obsessed with the kids and totally child-centered
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  and you just learned that that's the way to be.
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  So then you're replicating the same thing.
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  So in that case, you are Parents did not fall into the bucket of
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  people that I'm talking about in this podcast who were likelier
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  to have sex in previous generations.
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  Your parents had sexless marriage, even you know whenever
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  you were young, which there were lower rates, then, but of
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  course, there were still sexless marriages because there were
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  still dysfunctional marriages because people still had
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  problems right in every generation.
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  So, anyway, those are the two kinds of people that don't like
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  to close doors. And at Super unhealthy,
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  obviously for the marriage Because the marriage, there
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  should be a lot of parts of your marriage.
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  They can't happen in front of your kids, right?
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  And so, if you're never allowed to be away from your kids, then
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  you see logically that you can't have a marriage between two
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  adults because the full breadth of what an adult does.
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  With another adult whether that is an emotional conversation, or
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  a physical touch, or sexual touch cannot happen in front of
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  kids. And if kids can come in at any
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  moment, then you can have an adult relationship and many
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  people don't, and then the marriage.
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  It's so you know, very sad, very tragic.
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  But then they divorce, you know, because they never got any
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  couple time and then everything was about the kid but all of a
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  sudden the kid has to go between two homes which is a lot more
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  stressful quite honestly than if you had just shut the door and
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  they learn to knock. But anyway that is an aside but
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  I feel like a very, very helpful and important aside but back to
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  the point is that you used to have a template for becoming a
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  sexual adult and it was usually Seeing your parents or even just
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  a on television or seeing your friend's parents.
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  It used to be a known thing that when you're older you get to go
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  to parties. You get to make money, you get
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  to do what you want. You can watch TV when you want.
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  You could talk to your friends on the phone.
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  If you want, you can meet up with your friends.
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  You could go for drinks. You know.
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  And you can have sex, you could do all those things.
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  But and so that was a draw for adulthood.
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  Now, remember your child's going to be an adult for most of their
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  life. So better than making their
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  childhood. Romp through the peonies, you
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  know, we would like to make their adulthood something good,
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  because they're going to be adult a hell of a lot longer
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  than they're going to be a child.
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  Ideally both are good, right, the childhood and adulthood, but
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  if everything is about the childhood and keeping the
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  childlike, innocent and happy, and they get every single thing
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  that they want in our attention, 100% of the time, then what
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  we're forgetting is getting sacrificed is the fact that they
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  do not see any example for Happy adult living in adult life and
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  then when they hit adulthood the frequently, you know, Arrested
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  Development, you know, and Failure to Launch.
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  They want to keep being a kid, because they don't associate
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  adulthood with anything positive.
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  You know, it's interesting. Like, even like, like, people
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  are. So, so into the idea of kids
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  staying younger, and its really jump.
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  The shark, quite honestly, like sure.
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  I mean, like, for example, all these memes that were
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  proliferating, Around Halloween, we're like like the 16 year old
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  comes to your door and ask for candy.
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  You should just be give it to them.
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  Be so happy that they still want to be a kid.
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  That's like, yeah. I guess.
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  I mean, you know, like I mean I think it's a little weird, you
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  know? I mean, like really like quite
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  honestly, they're, they're an adult.
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  That's somebody who could be like a lifeguard.
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  There's somebody who could be a babysitter, you know, there's
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  somebody who could be working full-time.
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  I mean, there's somebody who, I mean it there one year away from
• 13:04
  the average, Age of of having sex like I don't know like it
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  would honestly if they're out there at 6 p.m. with like the
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  kids that are four years old and their dinosaur costumes I don't
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  know how normative it is maybe it's getting much more
• 13:16
  normative. Now either way either way it
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  would be just as appropriate to say you know like be happy for
• 13:24
  the 16. Year-old bad wants to go to a
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  house party and dress up and kiss you know people and
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  experiment with Being an adult because the they want to be an
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  adult, you know? Like that's not bad.
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  Like to be a teenager who looks forward to adulthood isn't bad
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  because adulthood is where you're going to end up foremost.
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  The large majority of your years on this planet are as an adult.
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  So, nowadays, adults fetishize the endless childhood, but then
• 13:58
  they're, like, super upset when their children, do not want to
• 14:02
  actually become adults, and it's some end.
• 14:04
  There have become more and more articles, advising parents like
• 14:07
  how to kick their kids out when their kids are like in their
• 14:09
  20s, you know? So there's no free lunch, you
• 14:13
  know, you can't like kind of insulate your kids from the idea
• 14:18
  that there is adulthood even looming and just do everything
• 14:22
  to make them happy to be kids. But then also be like, why don't
• 14:25
  they want to be adult? Oh I'm getting older.
• 14:28
  I'm like honestly I'm realizing I'm not gonna be around forever
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  and how the hell are they going to take care of themselves?
• 14:34
  So it's basically like when you feed the animals in the winter
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  and then you're like, holy shit, I can't go on vacation.
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  Otherwise, all these animals are gonna die, because they've
• 14:41
  become so dependent on me leaving out food.
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  So, you know, kind of gets like that.
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  And I work with a lot of people honestly, who are dealing with
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  the adult kids in the home and it's not all, it's cracked up to
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  be. And many people are smart enough
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  to know that it's not cracked up to be much but in the first
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  place and some people like it, you know.
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  But a lot of people don't and the reason they don't is because
• 15:03
  not because they don't like And out with your adult kids, of
• 15:06
  course they do some of them do but because the adult kids don't
• 15:09
  seem to have any motivation to move forward and to be
• 15:13
  independent and the parents start to realize they're not
• 15:15
  going to be around forever and so they get anxious.
• 15:19
  They get very anxious about the child's ability to live on their
• 15:21
  own and I relate this to the fact that adult, it does not
• 15:25
  look interesting to these kids. It doesn't, it looks like a huge
• 15:28
  sacrifice. It does not have any any good
• 15:32
  privileges that being a child, didn't?
• 15:34
  Have in fact, it all looks like sacrifice.
• 15:37
  So if you want your child to be happy about eventually becoming
• 15:40
  an adult and to look forward to adulthood and consider it a time
• 15:46
  of freedom, and exploration, and fulfillment, and yes, sex and
• 15:50
  relationships, and all of those things you need to model that.
• 15:54
  And you need to focus on showing your kid in the absence of
• 15:58
  medium Role Models. Because as I, as I said, I mean,
• 16:01
  can you even imagine? I cannot even imagine a show
• 16:04
  like Since Creek that is intended for teens.
• 16:07
  Oh, and then at the end even better at the end of it, Pacey
• 16:10
  kisses the MILF, right and the milk turns out to be a teacher.
• 16:13
  And so, I mean, this would like never ever.
• 16:16
  Yeah, of course. Like that would be an
• 16:18
  appropriate, totally get it. You know, I don't know if he's
• 16:20
  17 18, whatever, you know, but either way the idea of it like
• 16:25
  cannot even be be shown now on a TV shows like so wildly
• 16:30
  different, right? And yes times change but also
• 16:33
  there is a Erza profound. And I'm not saying that, that's
• 16:37
  the thing. That would be great if every
• 16:39
  teenager got to make out with their English teacher like
• 16:42
  there, that would be far worse than then that would be not
• 16:45
  good. But the idea of the parents,
• 16:48
  having a sex life that is really a net positive, that's something
• 16:52
  that really allows kids to see, oh, there's something different
• 16:55
  and valuable about being an adult and being in a
• 16:58
  relationship. That's when you kind of get to
• 16:59
  do what you want. A lot of the time.
• 17:01
  Yeah, you have to have a job. You have to take care of your
• 17:03
  kid. Also, you get to have this
• 17:05
  loving sexual relationship and you get to have fun at cetera
• 17:09
  Etc. And kids nowadays, often really
• 17:12
  don't feel like that about their parents and it's really a shame
• 17:15
  and the parents can use it as a wake-up call to say, what are we
• 17:18
  modeling about adulthood? Are we modeling a good intimate
• 17:21
  relationship? Is there anything about
• 17:23
  observing us that would make our son or daughter?
• 17:26
  Want to go out in the world to me, an adult or not?
• 17:29
  And in that case like maybe we could work on that.
• 17:32
  Maybe we could use that as a motivator since we Both love our
• 17:35
  kids so much. All right.
• 17:36
  So hopefully this was interesting to you more.
• 17:38
  Sociological and popular media related takes on our burgeoning
• 17:44
  sexless marriage issue and I will talk to you soon.
• 17:47
  Have a great day, guys.