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You’re Not Too Picky (And What to Say When Someone Says You Are) · Hey Hana

• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everyone, welcome into Hey Hannah.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Krause.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Happy Wednesday, everyone.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: I hope everyone's having a great week.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking to you guys from the basement of my in-laws' house.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you, if you're a Packers fan, this is the place to be.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm currently staring at how many?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if I could guess.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Just a couple hundred pieces of memorabilia.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so bad at guessing numbers, by the way.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody were like, how many people are in this stadium?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know whether it's like 300 or 300,000.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: With that being said, there is a lot of Packers gear in front of me right now.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Pretty much anything that you could think of that would have an NFL emblem on it exists in this basement.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually from the perspective of a Florida girl, basements like this are the coolest thing to me.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: I never grew up with basements.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I A, never had the extra space, but B, never had the extra creativity.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I gotta give it to him.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta give it to Peter's dad for just going full blown Man Cave Packers Edition down here.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a full bar, a pool table, you know, a couch, 11 TVs.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are sneezing in one direction, you won't miss a beat of the game.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's just it's that perfect.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and they have some bedrooms down here.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: So Peter and I are here for a few days because they're doing construction on our place.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: But anyways, I don't even know why I started talking about that.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: I just had to acknowledge the Brett Favre jersey that is in front of me.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: A sore subject, I know, but it is what it is.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: There should be a Rogers jersey in here.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why there isn't.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: I hope everyone's enjoying their August so far.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: A little life update.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I'm here at my in-laws' house for a few days.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's been so fun.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I'm living in an episode of Full House because my niece and nephew are also here for the week.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's their last few weeks of summer, and their parents are on vacay, so they're also here.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like we have every generation here.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually really funny.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, having a few generations under one roof makes the dinner table topics really interesting.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: We started doing this thing where we are asking each other, like, name a word from your generation that only your generation would know and see if the other people could guess it.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: I would say it was actually really difficult in the millennial category.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: I had no idea what words to use.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: What is a millennial word?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Peter and I were like tipsy, like we couldn't think of anything.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I said O-O-T-D.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, outfit of the day, I feel like is such a millennial term.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: We pretty much coined that.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Stasi Schroeder did.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: She she pretty much coined that term.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, then we had his parents who were technically boomers, and then his niece and nephew who were technically oh my God, what is below Gen Z?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I guess it's Generation Alpha.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: And we were playing this game too when I had some friends in town who were visiting, and they are Gen Z.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: So we were having fun like comparing all of the different terms.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Although I don't know if Generation Alpha really provided much outside of six, seven.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I won't even get into that.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, let me spare you.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And we all know why that term exists.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, we don't.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, who knows?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Who cares?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's just we know that it's overused.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we know.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, we're here.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Andy is teething, which is a lovely, beautiful journey for any parent who knows.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: She has like two full bottom teeth, which is so freaking cute.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: It reminds me of Phil and Lil from Rugrats, you know, just this cute little cartoon bottom teeth.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: I thought she was teething before, and I think I said this last week.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, she has two teeth, but no, now they're really there, and now her pain is really evident, which has been tough.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: We've had a few hard days where Peter and I were up like every hour of the night.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: But last night, thankfully, it was so much better.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: I just feel so bad.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, everything that you do sleep training wise, quote unquote, where you're like, you're not supposed to pick them up and blah, blah, blah.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: It just goes out the window when your baby's in pain, like when you know that they are struggling a bit.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's such a different cry.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is different.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: I've never experienced that thing of your kid being sick or hurting or in pain yet.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so to just see a little bit of that with the teething, you're like, oh my God, you just want to hold them.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: So we were up just holding her and rocking her to sleep a few times.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: But um, luckily last night was a little bit better.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: So hopefully those teeth are done with their major movements, but who knows?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to talk about a specific DM I received this past week.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: I won't get into the weeds of the DM out of respect for this person.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not gonna say any details about what she said.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: But she DM'd me telling me what was going on with the situationship, and I offered a little bit of advice to her.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I bring this up not because of her situationship and the details of that.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: I want to keep that private for her.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: I bring it up because she talked about being, she talked about this one thing that I forgot bothered me tremendously when I was single.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: It was that concept of being deemed as quote unquote too picky when you're single, especially in your 30s.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I heard this my entire existence.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Again, we all know Peter was my first boyfriend.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: I talk about it all the time.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: I met him when I was 33.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: So from what like what?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: From like 16 years old, that's probably a little too young, but whatever.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: 16 to 33, I was always put in the category of being too picky.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: My mom said it, my friends said it, some man on the street would say it, like anybody would say it, because it was just the thing you say about someone who's still single, and you can't understand why they're single, right?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I got a DM from this woman who talked about her life, but she happened to mention this at the very top of the DM.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like she was like, Oh, I always get told that I'm too picky because I'm, you know, this age and I'm single, on and off, whatever.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: I had this like light bulb moment after she said it.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Eureka, I forgot about how insanely annoying that is.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're single or not, this episode is for you.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're not single, I'm here to tell you that you can never call your friends too picky and what you should say instead.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are single, I'm here to tell you how to react to when someone tells you you are too picky.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I think a lot of times we fall back on this concept of like, maybe I'm too picky.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like some sort of safety net that we all use.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it bothers me because it's become some sort of a catch-all.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there's a huge difference between being picky about irrelevant stuff.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I want him to live in the same neighborhood as me.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: I want him to be 6'3, um, you know, incredibly specific physical traits or checking every superficial box that you've made up in your mind.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: I remember at one point I used to think, like, I want him to play music.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: I said that when I was like 16.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I wanted to marry someone who had musical abilities.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: That was just like a fun thing I thought of at one point.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it didn't happen, don't tell Peter.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Although he does like to sing occasionally, I wouldn't put it up there in his top traits, you know?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: So, so, anyways, when you get into that like really hyper-specific category, it's fun to do in your brain over the years of life.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it really is fun to do.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of the times we have it in there just for fun, like just for giggles, because it's not actually something that we use when we want to date someone.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we're not like, oh my God, and he can play the tambourine.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we don't use those things as a yes or no, and I'll be all.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, they're just fun, silly things that we're like, oh, that would be great.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like it would be great if he was 6'3, but also like you would date someone who was 5'11, I hope.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: But, anyways, okay, so my point is there's a difference between all of those things, like the exact job, the superficial stuff, whatever, versus having actual standards for a relationship.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's like their kindness, their consistency.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel safe with them?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel chosen by them?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like their emotional intelligence, their emotional availability, their shared values with you, like all of that stuff.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, we compromise on the exterior stuff, like that silly stuff I mentioned.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: The pretty package.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Let's call it the pretty package.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: You obviously compromise a little bit on that because you have no idea what you're gonna end up with.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: You can only envision the type of person you want it to be.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: And everything comes in a pretty package.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: So you're like, oh, I want him to have that.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: I want him to have a dimple and like all this random crap that you feel like you want.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: But you know it's not actually the stuff that's end all be all.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And ironically, what you should be extremely careful about is compromising on the internal stuff, like the foundation.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know why it's become some sort of a throwaway catch all thing to say to women, like, oh yeah, well, she's just she's kind of picky.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: When it's like, no, you're looking for someone who has kindness, consistency, you're attracted to them, you want the same future, etc., etc.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're looking for someone to build a literal life with.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: But the stuff that everyone talks about is the pretty packaging, you know, that external stuff.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: So if you find a guy and I don't know, he wears like really ugly sweaters, that might be the fun thing you say to your friend, even though what's actually underneath is like you don't feel like emotionally you sort of click, or like your values are different, and you know, everything gets wrapped up into the pretty packaging, even though at the core and the foundational element you know is missing a few links.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: And another bone I have to pick with the whole picky thing is that and this one really, really is something as a society we have to change.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: But the older a woman is, the more people start questioning your decisions.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're almost graded on a bit of a curve, you know what I mean?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: At 25, it's like, oh my god, yeah, go have fun with him.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve someone amazing, whatever, whatever people say.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: But then at 35, someone's gonna be like, Oh, I don't know, but maybe you should give him a chance, or like maybe you should just let him come visit.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Well, like, he seems really nice, even though your friend isn't super excited about him.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: People will say things like, I don't know, like you should give him another chance.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, he just doesn't seem like that bit of a guy.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, for some reason, because the pool is smaller as you get older, you have to be less picky because there are less people who are gonna be a good fit for you.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, sorry, because you're older, you're gonna have to just accept that you're gonna date someone who has all these things that you don't want, and you're just gonna have to get used to it because you're older and you didn't find someone when you were younger.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, for some reason, that's the tone at which people discuss dating.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know where that came from.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know who invented that.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Let me just tell you like in my mid-30s, in my early to mid-30s, meeting Peter at 33, he had every single trait I've ever wanted, and then some.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, minus the the musical thing.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what I'm saying?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I was wildly pleasantly surprised that he existed, period.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like that he even existed in this world and was available and then was also interested in me.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because it was the most refreshing thing.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we would tell each other.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we used to tell each other, oh my gosh, even if this doesn't work out, this is like early days of dating.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: We would say, even if this doesn't work out, it's so refreshing that someone like you exist.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: This reminds me that there are people out there that emulate everything that I've wanted.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: We both said that about each other.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Mind you, Peter was 38 when he met me.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: In his late 30s, he found someone who had all of the qualities that he was looking for.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: Not to brag, not to brag.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Kidding, obviously.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: But like that whole implication that, like, sorry, the pool is smaller, therefore, your standards should be a little bit smaller, is such BS.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, such BS.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: I hate it.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: I actually heard there's a podcast I listen to all the time, and the women are married, and I really love them.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I have nothing bad to say about them, but they sort of made the same comment recently.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like somebody wrote in asking me for advice, and they were like, Well, if you're in your 30s, it's hard to find a boyfriend.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, you should probably just accept that.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, no, no, no, screaming through the radio listening to them.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, no, that's not how it works.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: I promise you, there is a lid for every pot.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're looking for someone who has all of those internal foundational things that we talked about, and you can't find it, it's not because you're too picky.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's because you haven't met them yet.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Truly.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: The only time you need to like really take a step back and look at yourself and be like, okay, am I being a little redonculous is when you're looking at that external stuff, the pretty package stuff.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: I used to be really particular about height.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a tall girl.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm 5'9.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: I love to wear heels.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: My family's tall.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: My brothers are tall.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just used to being surrounded by height, you know?
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I used to think I really don't think I could date a guy that was shorter than me with heels.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was like, I just don't know if I can do it.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: And my family always said I was really picky about that.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that was in the pretty package category.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Did I also always date guys who were, you know, shorter than I thought I would want?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Of course.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Anything that's outside of that pretty package category, you have to give it a shot.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: You really do.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: I always joke that with every short guy I dated and it didn't work out, I would look up a guy and I'd be like, Did you see that?
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Did you see that?
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: I tried.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: I gave a solid effort.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, like my point is there are certain things that you should not at all be flexible on.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Those internal things, those values, the foundational elements, the kindness, the consistency, the showing up for you, the feeling chosen, the consistent communication, wanting the same future, wanting kids, not wanting kids, whatever that looks like.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: So as a society, we have to let go of that concept that, like, oh, if you're 37, then the wrong person could be a little bit more right for you.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's what it sounds like.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yes, the dating pool changes a little bit, but the dating pool is always muddy.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like it always sucks.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: I've always hated the dating pool.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: But none of the things that have made your relationship incompatible with someone suddenly become compatible because you're turning 37 tomorrow.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's not how it works.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what I mean?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like sometimes people are like, I don't know, well, like you're getting you're getting up there.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: So like maybe you should find someone.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, no, that doesn't make the past like seven dudes that I've dated more right because I'm it's my birthday soon.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like that logic is so crooked to me.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know what else is funny is like I think of an episode of Real Housewise of New York, and I'm so sorry, forgive me, but this is truly educational.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, just keep listening.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: An episode of Real House Guys of New York, Uba, who was single at the time, was asked.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is the new New York, by the way, not the old New York, the new New York.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Uba was asked by one of the other house husbands, why are you single?
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: I don't understand.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: And in the confessionals, she went off.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, Stop asking single people why they're single.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, Don't ask me, ask God why I'm single.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought it was such a good response because people imply that when you're single, they're like, Well, what's wrong?
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why are you single?
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Something has to be wrong if this isn't working, you know, like that.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Clearly there must be some sort of chip missing or some sort of like issue you've had, or maybe there was some sort of big story that happened in your life that brought you to where you are.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, just something.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I always was like, I don't freaking know.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like when someone asked me why I'm single, I was like, I have no idea.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: When I heard Uba say that, I was still single.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, holy heck, that's the best answer.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Don't ask me, ask God.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because like, I don't make the rules.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to find him.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm out here doing work.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I'm trying to go on the dating apps, I'm trying to meet people off the dating apps, I'm trying to move around, try new churches, new gyms.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm putting in time, I'm putting in effort.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't freaking know.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I would get so frustrated when people would ask me that.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: I also think if we pull back, like zoom out, and you're looking at your friend who you're saying is too picky, chances are they're invested in something that isn't working.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we've all been there.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like whenever I was single and somebody would sort of throw away the picky problem at me.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like they would be like, ah yeah, Hannah, I don't know, she's too picky.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: It was really just the fact that I was putting in so much effort to some like with someone and it wasn't working.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: And it made me look picky.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if that makes any sense.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like sometimes the problem isn't actually that someone's standards are too high.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's just that they're invested in someone who isn't meeting those standards.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like, so essentially all of those situationships, quote unquote, or those hot and cold things, like where you talk for three months and you talk all day, every day, texting, FaceTiming, and then suddenly he comes to town and you don't see him.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, what?
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: Why would why would I not see you?
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's so weird.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or you fly out to go see someone and they only make time for you to hang out for like one afternoon or something, and you're like, What am I doing here?
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why did you tell me to come here?
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like any of that stuff.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Typically, you have chemistry or you have history, something like that.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: You feel like you have similarities, you feel like there are certain coincidences that you can't let go of that you're like, this is this feels like a sign, or this feels like um it's meant to be because of these coincidences.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell you how many times I was feeling that way with like the wrong person.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: All of these things feel like what a relationship could look like, but this person isn't meeting any of those foundational values, you know?
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you feel like, well, I've already invested this much, or like I've already been talking to him for three months.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I want this to work out.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: Or like, what if I don't meet someone that's like them?
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Or what if I don't meet someone that feels like that?
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's hard because that's a whole different subject, but that's get that gets into the scarcity mindset of like uh, I don't know if another person like this exists.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I want this person.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: He has all of the things that I want right now, but it's not working.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why I even think of this, but sometimes that's the thing that's happening with your friend who's over there being called too picky, you know?
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like she's trying really hard with the situation chip that is just running her into a wall and feeling like there's nothing else out there that checks any of the boxes.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and I think one of the things I should even touch on is like, when should you compromise?
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because obviously I don't want to be like, never compromise.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Stay true to everything you've ever wanted.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna work out.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I would like to think that, I really would.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: But did I ever think I was gonna be living in Wisconsin?
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta compromise, you know what I mean?
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Compromise should happen in every healthy relationship.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe he's he isn't exactly your physical type, you know, those pretty picture things.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe he isn't six five blue eyes, whatever the heck that stupid thing was.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe his career isn't what you pictured, or maybe he doesn't share every hobby, you know, but does he choose you?
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: Is he consistent?
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Is he emotionally available?
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: Does he communicate with you uh consistently?
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have like compatible futures?
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do you both want the same thing?
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel respected?
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel valued?
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel heard?
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel attraction?
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like all of those things are so different and they're so important.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so when someone says you're too picky, I have to think about what to say because like this used to really bother me.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I wish there was a perfect thing to say, like what Uba said when someone said, Why are you single?
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: on Real Housewives.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the time, it's like when someone is like, Oh, you know Hannah, she's so picky.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: And they say it in like a weird introduction to something.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's sort of you like catch a stray bullet.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, you're like, what?
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: Where did that come from?
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: I would immediately get so defensive and so frustrated.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: I used to tell my mom, like, she would say that to, you know, like Sally and the church Northhex after service.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, someone would be like, Oh, what's up with Hannah?
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: Is she dating anyone?
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: And my mom would just, as she's walking, like a whole walk and talk, like, no, you know, Hannah, she's so picky, moving along.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I know it's easy for my mom to say that because she's how does how is she gonna say, no, actually, she's um focused on work, or like, no, she's dating around but hasn't found the right guy yet.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: I would be like, mom, literally, say anything else, please.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like this, the too picky thing makes it seem like it's a me problem.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not a me problem.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm working hard over here to make this a thing, and it's just not happening.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I can't.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a me problem.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's a timing life problem.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't even say it's a problem.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's a card.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's a card I've been dealt that I'm dealing with, you know?
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is the timeline God has me on, and this is all I can do is just stay single until I find a guy, which by the way, is better to do anyways.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody talks about that.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hello, sorry, I'd rather be single than date someone.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's what you should say.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're single and someone says you're too picky, you could say something like, I'd rather be single than be in a relationship that doesn't work.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: So or like I'd rather be single than try to make a bad thing work.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: Or like, no, I'm not too picky.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just not willing to choose someone who I don't want to build a life with.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: Boom.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: Perfect.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: What did I just say?
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not too picky and like shut it down.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: Just be like, no, no, no, I'm not too picky, but I'm just not willing to choose someone who I don't want to build a life with.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just looking for someone to build a life with.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm looking for someone long term.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: I used to say, I date with intention.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: I want to date someone who I want to marry.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: Period.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not dating to just fill my time.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm dating to build a family, like build my life.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I take it seriously.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I never had a boyfriend.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: Hello.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: So freaking hard to find.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or you know what?
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: You could always say something like, yeah, maybe I am too picky, but I'd rather be happily picky than unhappily with someone, you know?
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or like unhappily partnered.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, okay, and then if you're the person who keeps referring to your friend as picky, when someone says to you, Oh, why is Hannah single?
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: instead of saying, Oh, she's too picky, you say something along the lines of like, oh, she knows what she wants and she just hasn't met the right person yet.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: Boom.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: That gives your friend the support that they need to date with intention.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're allowed to date someone who genuinely adds to your life.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: No matter how old you are.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to date someone simply because they're available, or they technically check all of these stupid boxes you've created in your head.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in the non-single category, it's your duty to make your single friends feel supported in their singlehood.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like you cannot be holier than thou.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: The worst thing you can do is say, Well, this is what you should do because this is what worked for me.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: I hate when people do that.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, we'll work for the tree out there because I don't know, maybe that's what's gonna happen to me.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, who freaking knows?
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: You can't say that.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: The most helpful thing is to just trust your single friend that they're doing what's best for them and that they're dating with intention and not applying pressure to get them to settle in any situation, you know?
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's funny I say all this, and I'm thinking back to like one of my best, best friends who's single, was telling me there was a guy who wants to come visit, and I was like, I think this guy's really funny, but I don't think she's into him.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, no, he should come visit.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like it'd be it would be fun.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'm like, oh, Hannah, I gave bad advice.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: He should not come visit.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: If she's not into him, she's not into him.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if he doesn't fill all of those characteristics you're looking for, then like bye-y you know, and you're not too picky for doing that.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways, okay, well, thank you for allowing me to stand on my soapbox and shelf on the rooftops about being too picky.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is a conversation I've had like internally for so long now because yeah, as a former professional single person, this used to be like top five on the list of things that would irritate the heck out of me in my sicklehood.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this was a great chat.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: I I hope everyone enjoys the rest of your week.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what I'm gonna talk about next week.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: I every week I feel like I'm just I get inspired by something random and it reminds me of a deep thought I've had about something or uh makes me want to talk in circles about a certain subject.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: But if you guys ever have anything in particular you want me to chat about, like please DM me, message me, email me anything you want, and just contact me and let me know what you want me to talk about.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: I love just going in a tangent about whatever.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: Just a good old fashioned yap session.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I hope everyone enjoys the rest of your week and I'll talk to you guys soon.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.