Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / "Feminine Energy" Vs Reality

Transcript

"Feminine Energy" Vs Reality · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, I'm going to be talking about feminine
• 0:10
  energy, which is a concept that I see on a lot of social media
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  posts and videos by coaches, female coaches.
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  That are telling women how to have more feminine energy and
• 0:24
  therefore achieve your goals. And we will talk about this and
• 0:27
  the limitations of this concept and what you may be able to get
• 0:30
  from it before that, please do subscribe, I have lots and lots
• 0:34
  of subscribers. Our episodes about 20-25 percent
• 0:37
  of them and most recently about why your parents
• 0:41
  dysfunctionality may affect you, especially if you only
• 0:44
  recognized, they were dysfunctional later in life.
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  All right? And so what am I saying?
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  These intros always always catch me off guard, even though I do
• 0:56
  them every single time, then I got a segue into the reality of
• 1:00
  what we're talking about, okay, so what's feminine energy?
• 1:04
  So If you listen to social media coaches and a lot of these
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  people come up in my feed. If you do anything about
• 1:10
  relationships, you post a lot about relationships and marriage
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  then, of course, you know the algorithm gets you.
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  A lot of people that are also talking about relationships.
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  So a lot of these are women, who are basically saying here's how
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  you become a high-value woman, that's going to attract a
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  high-value man and you attract and you could Google these terms
• 1:30
  yourself get real interesting. You can go down a lot of rabbit
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  holes for any sociology. Buff's.
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  I mean the discourse surrounding relationships and male versus
• 1:38
  female roles and relationships is super interesting.
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  How things change, how things stay the same over different,
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  you know, decades and errors, Etc.
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  So a lot of these women are saying that a, high-value man is
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  no shock going to be wealthy ambitious.
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  They don't really say good looking but some of them do the
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  more romantic once a good-looking, but some of them
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  are outright saying listen, it's easier to marry a rich man than
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  a poor man. Which is an old that saying
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  that, you know, from many generations ago and so here's
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  how you attract a wealthy man and you do it by being feminine
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  attractive. Loving affectionate all these
• 2:19
  different things. This is no big shock that there
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  is a dating Marketplace, but most people, you know, do that,
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  don't follow these. Kind of people are unaware that
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  this stuff would be said, so directly.
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  But in reality, it's the same thing as the actual date.
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  The marketplace, obviously men have more money do better.
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  Women who are more attractive, do better.
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  Does this in any way mean that there are men who don't have
• 2:42
  money that don't do well with women?
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  Of course, that's like, like so many of the women that are my
• 2:48
  clients date men who make less money than them.
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  And so this is not a uniform, sort of thing.
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  Been, plenty of guys who are between jobs all the time and
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  have all manner of addictive problems and who are generally
• 3:01
  pretty big assholes they, you know, go through women like Hot
• 3:05
  knife through butter. So obviously, this is not the
• 3:08
  only way that the world operates and and in fact, these dating
• 3:12
  coaches are addressing many women who have had these
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  previous relationships in which they were the one doing truly
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  everything in the guy wasn't doing much, you know, because he
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  either wasn't that invested, he didn't have the capability, Etc.
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  So these are more. So, so these women are
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  addressing more of the women that I address in the podcasts.
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  Like, when men never take care of you, so there It's basically
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  like recovering people Pleasers women that previously thought
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  that their role was to be the Workhorse.
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  Who does everything for the sake of love and now they're like
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  screw this shit. I want a man who is more stable
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  who make some money, maybe even somebody, who one day I could
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  stay home with kids or have that option if I wanted to, which I
• 3:56
  mean, as long as people are putting it out there, then sure
• 3:59
  make your choice. You know, this is like when
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  people get mad that women have specific height requirements or
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  Now dating apps, should they get have whatever requirements they
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  want. You don't need to take it
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  personally. You could have whatever dating
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  requirements you want, you know, such as if you want to date only
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  a c-cup do that. You know if you want to date
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  only a blonde, do that if women only want to date a guy who's
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  wealthy do that? Like as long as it's not, as
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  long as it's direct, you know what I mean?
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  So when the woman directly say like, I want a man, only 6 feet
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  it up, all right, go for it. You know, I mean, they're not,
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  they're not doing anything wrong.
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  You may not think that they're, you know, the deepest.
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  Well, Well of water but you know they've brought like they're not
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  probably but they know what they want.
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  So you know, so so what? So anyway.
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  So these women are saying the way that you attract a high
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  value. Very masculine, man by which
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  they mean proactive? Ambitious, they frequently say,
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  entrepreneurial intelligent and then of course, doting and
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  caring and loving and we'll make a good father what women have
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  wanted for Millennia, you do this, they say By being a woman
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  with a lot of feminine energy. And what they mean by this is
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  somebody who is soft. There's this whole hashtag soft
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  life which just basically means kind of like, it reminds me so
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  much of this book. I once got from the thrift
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  store, it was Betty. Cornell's guide to teenage
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  popularity, I mean, spoke was great, maybe it was from the
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  60s. Either way it talked about,
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  like, how to be like a sweet girl and a good day.
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  And you know all of the courtesy that you had to have in the
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  manners and etiquette and how to be, you know fun at like a
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  social or something but you know on a good friend like it reminds
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  me of that stuff you know. It's a throwback but the more
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  things change, the more things stay the same etcetera.
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  And so the feminine energy is stepping back.
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  Letting the man, make more decisions, not acting like a
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  boss in anyway and not having your Own kind of agenda really
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  micro day-to-day minute to minute but rather your agenda is
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  basically getting treated extremely well and but
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  moment-to-moment you're not going to necessarily be focused
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  on exactly that. He takes me to this restaurant
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  or that restaurant or whatever. Like, you're basically go with
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  the flow and within the larger rubric of wanting him to treat
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  you well. So you take a step back and then
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  you Let him lead, which is, you know, very good advice for a
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  woman that wants a leader, right?
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  If she wants a man to make a lot of decisions and she doesn't
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  want to make a lot of decisions and she wants to be treated in
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  this way. And and cherished in a way that
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  many people do but also, you know, kind of protected then
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  yeah. Sure.
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  Don't make any decisions. I mean shit, let's start as you
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  mean to go on, but the, the downside to all of this is that
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  a lot of these women reading, the stuff are young.
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  Now they're in their 20s, and they don't necessarily know how
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  they're going to feel later on, and I'll tell you all this
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  stuff. Sounds okay.
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  And it sounds very romantic until you have children and
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  you've you kind of come into a different part of yourself, you
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  mature and then you want some kind of life that is not just a
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  quote soft life, that may be a life where you are the boss in
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  some way, either pragmatically. We at work, you want to be the
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  boss and you want to focus on your career.
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  Make a difference in whatever field you're in and you also
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  have to be the boss at home. You know, unless you've truly
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  married a man that is so wealthy that that you have like a nanny
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  for each child and a cook and a homemaker.
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  Even if you stay home, you're definitely the CEO of home.
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  So you're going to be making decisions there, you know?
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  And if he comes in like expecting you to defer to every
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  decision that he makes, because that's the way that you started.
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  Out then that's not going to go well for the majority of women
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  who have really any self-esteem at all.
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  Because there's a very big human drive for agency to make a
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  difference to have an impact, to make decisions that affect your
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  Universe, whatever your universe is.
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  So if you're starting out at somebody, that's really
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  deferring, all major decisions. This is not how you probably as
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  a woman as you mature, to probably not how you're going to
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  be, you know, a And a lot of women that are drawn to this, it
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  sounds a lot better than it is because I see a lot of women in
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  later life in their 40s and so forth, you know, in their
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  marriages and individually, you know, still most of my clients
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  are female and there are unhappy because they didn't start, as
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  they meant to go on. You know?
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  They, they started. They weren't listening to these
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  high-value femininity women, of course those didn't exist then
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  but they were you. Reading the magazines and
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  listening to their mothers and they were deferring on a lot of
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  different things. And a lot of them have profound
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  regret, you know that that they that they didn't pursue their
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  career that they made that they're living where they don't
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  want to live. That the guys schedule, his work
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  schedule, takes priority over everything, they were deferring,
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  and deferring, and deferring. And thinking that, that was a
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  way to get like security and Harmony.
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  And in reality. Now, they feel like they missed
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  Missed a lot of stuff, you know, and that they should have
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  advocated more for themselves. But the reality is at, and the
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  sad part is some of these women turn around and blame the guy,
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  and this 100% wrong. I've not yet met a man, at least
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  that has the courage to show up in my office that says, yep, we
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  were both deciding which of us should go to grad school and I
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  said can't be you because I'll leave you.
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  You know has to be me. That's the ultimatum.
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  No, it doesn't go like that look.
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  Most of it is the woman themselves saying No, no it's
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  okay to do you like in this time of life, where you picture
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  having a baby sitting on a blanket, in a Sunbeam in your
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  house, you know Teaching letters to your baby and like then
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  getting up and making a pot of soup and this sounds good you
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  know to 20 year old women. This sounds very good 25 year
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  old even 30 year old woman sounds good at sound, it's a
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  romanticized version. This idyllic marriage, having
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  young babies and I've talked a lot about how women change are
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  After the young baby stage, you know, and other podcasts and
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  post but this deferring it seems really romantic and traditional
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  and good until it doesn't, you know?
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  And for most women it doesn't after about, I don't know.
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  Mid-30s, you start to say wait, hold on a second.
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  I'm smart too. You know, I want to make
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  decisions. I want to do things in my life,
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  then the tragic error that a lot of women make that sabotage
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  their relationships, is they go back in time and they rewrite
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  history and they make it like the man was standing there with
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  Whip saying, get back in the kitchen and this wasn't
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  happening. You know, I know myself, you
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  know, when I had young babies, I was only working 10 hours a week
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  because I wanted to, you know, at that I wanted to be with
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  them. It was very important to me to
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  be with them as they got older. You know.
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  Like I didn't as they're in school and stuff, I wanted to
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  build my career. Now if you are still, if you get
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  to that stage and you have been, you know, Inundated with all of
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  these ideas about how you should be more traditional and you
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  should defer to the man and you should be this feminine soft
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  energy. That doesn't really, you know,
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  push on anything. Then you know, you met, miss
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  that window, right? And then the kids get older and
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  they get older and then they're all in school.
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  Then they're all in middle school and then they, they
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  started to go to high school and you're like, what the fuck like
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  I when do I get to focus on me? I guess I never did because I
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  was always trying to kind of create this role that maybe it's
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  a fiction, you know, because all people People have both sorts of
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  energy, you know, they have the boss energy and they have the
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  passive, you know, laid-back energy.
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  Both all people have both of those masculine and feminine
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  energies within themselves. And in fact, there's a
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  Constructor called psychological androgyny, meaning that over
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  time, especially in the 40s and Beyond people start to access
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  both sides of their character. In that way, more readily such
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  that men become more caretakers and women.
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  Become more boss This has really, you know, in whatever
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  sense that means. So, you know, if you are
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  somebody who idealizes this kind of hole like soft feminine,
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  energy thing, understand that for 99% of women, that's not the
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  sum total of their character and trying to put yourself into a
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  mold where you idealize, 1/2 of yourself and to Value.
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  The other is not a recipe for lasting happiness, or
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  fulfillment throughout your life span.
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  So, ideally you would not lead as though.
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  You are somebody who would like to endlessly defer to the big
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  smart, man. If you may even have a little
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  percent of your brain that says I don't know how this feels, you
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  know, it feels a little bit like I'm faking, you know, you don't
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  want to fake, you don't want to be inauthentic.
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  And my fear is that, a lot of the women that are embracing
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  this more classic soft feminine. Energy thing are Are in reality,
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  squelching other parts of their personality that are not so
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  convenient. And don't fit well into this
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  rubric because you know, this rubric is necessarily simplified
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  as is any thing that is going to be a spouse on social media, you
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  have shortcuts so they don't say, you know, you know have
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  soft and feminine energy. Unless of course, something is
• 13:58
  really important to you and you become passionate about it and
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  then you could be a boss. Know, they don't say that, they
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  just say the first part, So there's a lot of women trying to
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  stuff their entire personality into this ideology of being like
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  the soft feminine conventional. Another hashtag is tried wife,
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  traditional wife and a lot of these women, as the kids age out
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  of being like these cute little babies.
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  And also, if they hit, you know, a different stage, like
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  postpartum depression, which is really prevalent, then it's like
• 14:28
  you're trying to fit your character, your whole self into
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  this character or this Persona. And It doesn't work, it's not
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  the entirety of you and guess what?
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  Also the man doesn't want to make all the decisions, you
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  know? He really doesn't.
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  It kind of makes him into a caricature and you into a
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  caricature, you know guys who are in that situation that have
• 14:48
  wives that look up to them very much for all decisions,
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  frequently come in and they're like why am I the only one who
• 14:54
  understands how money works? I don't get it.
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  Why am I the only one that knows that we need a budget.
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  Why can't I talk to her about anything?
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  She never wants to talk about anything and it's interesting.
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  I see on social. Yeah, like these little videos
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  it's like what my brain does when my husband talks about
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  finances and it's like, you know, it's like some sort of
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  funny thing that indicates that her brain is just running
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  around, you know, not even paying attention.
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  While her husband is like blah blah blah about finances.
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  But who wins in that situation? It's kind of a caricature of
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  both of them. It makes him into this stayed on
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  the van, buzzkill, you know, and her into this like little like
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  You know, flaky ditsy, kind of person like, I think that most
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  people after the age of, you know, the 20s maybe early 30s
• 15:44
  would like a relationship in which they sit down and discuss
• 15:47
  the money and the house as a team.
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  You know, that is what the majority of men and women want.
• 15:53
  I've never yet had a man come into my office and say, you know
• 15:56
  what, the best part of our relationship is, I make all the
• 15:59
  decisions unilaterally. In fact, when that happens they
• 16:02
  say I don't know why she's not interested.
• 16:04
  I don't know why I can't talk to her about anything.
• 16:07
  I think she has low self-esteem, you know, she just gets scared
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  of these topics. I try to bring it up.
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  I don't like to be the only person making decisions.
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  It's scary, you know, i-i've all of our money, and I don't know
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  exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.
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  You know, that she wants because she won't tell me and I want to
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  do stuff that both of us want. So, nobody really wants to be in
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  such a caricatured dynamic where, male female energy is
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  split. So, radically and dichotomously,
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  The past, you know, an early early stage of life.
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  So it's something to think about it, something to look back at.
• 16:41
  If you're older now and you realize that this does
• 16:44
  characterize an earlier stage of your courtship, you know, you
• 16:47
  also have to recognize it would be interesting to introspect
• 16:50
  about what has changed and whether your relationship needs
• 16:54
  to be kind of reconfigured and the dynamic needs to be
• 16:58
  interrogated based on the fact that you've both evolved and
• 17:01
  grown. And possibly don't fit so neatly
• 17:04
  into these Boxes that you once wanted to fit so much into
• 17:08
  because it was this idyllic view of male-female relationships,
• 17:12
  which is something, you know, I mean, young people respond to
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  black and white conceptualizations.
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  Teenagers are the most black and white thinkers there are and
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  people in their young 20s or not that dissimilar from teenagers.
• 17:24
  So anyway, these are lots of cool things for you to research
• 17:29
  on the internet. I love sociology as much as
• 17:32
  psychology and hopefully you got something interesting.
• 17:34
  Resting out of this that you could think about that.
• 17:37
  Informs your own situation. Please do follow me on all
• 17:39
  social media Tick-Tock. I just got to 2000 something
• 17:44
  followers, so that's great. And I will talk to you soon.
• 17:48
  Have a great day.