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If You've Ever Been Angry At An Avoidant - Listen To This! · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  Well, someone had to make this video, so I guess it's going to
• 0:10
  be me. I've had it.
• 0:13
  I've had it with all the negative comments underneath.
• 0:16
  Any video about avoidance. Comments like avoid the
• 0:19
  avoidant, run avoidance are the worst.
• 0:23
  These people are evil. These people are sick.
• 0:27
  And my personal favorite, avoidance need to just date each
• 0:30
  other and stop ruining people's lives.
• 0:33
  So this video is for all the haters.
• 0:36
  I'm going to reveal the reasons. Yes, there's more than one
• 0:39
  reason why people are so angry at avoidance.
• 0:43
  And I'll also tell you what to do if you're currently dealing
• 0:47
  with an avoidant. Hi, this is Lucia with the art
• 0:50
  of love. I'm a dating and relationship
• 0:51
  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
• 0:55
  over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful No
• 0:58
  Contact Army. Have you been a good little
• 1:00
  soldier? If you have, then you've
• 1:02
  downloaded my app Silencio to help you stay in no contact.
• 1:06
  The link for that is underneath every single video and podcast.
• 1:09
  And if you too would like to join our no Contact Army, all
• 1:13
  you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
• 1:17
  notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
• 1:21
  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
• 1:25
  you purchase the book. OK, so getting back to that last
• 1:29
  comment about avoidance just needing to date each other and
• 1:33
  to stop ruining people's lives. Avoidance are not ruining
• 1:37
  anyone's life. What they're doing is triggering
• 1:40
  what's unhealed in others, and that is one of the main reasons
• 1:45
  that people can't stand avoidance.
• 1:48
  It's because they trigger deep abandonment wounds, the type of
• 1:53
  wounds that people spend their whole lives trying not to feel.
• 1:58
  When an avoidant pulls away right after you've opened up, it
• 2:02
  hits like a punch in the gut. It feels like rejection on a
• 2:05
  cellular level. You go from feeling connected to
• 2:08
  feeling erased. And that's not just
• 2:11
  disappointment, that's nervous system level panic.
• 2:16
  That's why the rejection isn't just sadness, It's rage,
• 2:20
  humiliation, and confusion. You start doubting your worth.
• 2:24
  You replay every text, every silence.
• 2:28
  The avoidance silence hits right where it hurts the most.
• 2:31
  It feels personal, but it's not avoidance.
• 2:35
  Do not withdraw because of you. They withdraw because closeness
• 2:41
  sets off their internal alarm system.
• 2:45
  But I know that knowing that doesn't erase the pain because
• 2:48
  you feel betrayed. You gave emotional access and
• 2:51
  they vanished without warning. So people lash out.
• 2:57
  And yes, I know that avoidance can often come off like
• 3:01
  emotional Houdinis. They'll say, I've never felt
• 3:04
  this close to anyone and then disappear for two weeks.
• 3:08
  And this emotional whiplash, It feels manipulative even when
• 3:12
  it's not intentional. They're not trying to hurt you.
• 3:15
  They're trying to regulate their anxiety about closeness.
• 3:19
  But from the outside, it looks cruel, cold, and cowardly.
• 3:24
  The three C's. And I'm sure at least one of
• 3:27
  those adjectives have come to mind when you've thought about
• 3:30
  their behavior. So people end up projecting
• 3:33
  malice when it's actually fear. So it's inconsistent and it
• 3:38
  feels unfair. You end up carrying all the
• 3:40
  emotional weight, the communication, the reassurance,
• 3:43
  the fixing. Meanwhile, they look calm as a
• 3:46
  cucumber and detached while you're unraveling.
• 3:49
  And that imbalance breeds rage. You start thinking, why am I the
• 3:53
  only adult around here? But here's what you don't
• 3:57
  understand. They're not calm because they
• 4:00
  don't care. They're calm because the
• 4:02
  distance is how they regulate. For them, closeness equals
• 4:08
  danger. For you, if you're an anxious,
• 4:12
  distance equals danger. And that's the collision point
• 4:15
  that blows everything up. Here's what's actually happening
• 4:20
  behind the scenes. When things start getting
• 4:22
  emotionally intense, the avoidance brain flips into
• 4:25
  survival mode. Their body says this is too
• 4:29
  much, I might lose control. So they deactivate.
• 4:32
  They pull away. They shut down and they convince
• 4:35
  themselves that they don't care. It's not logic, it's instinct.
• 4:40
  They need space to calm their anxiety.
• 4:43
  The problem is that space feels like abandonment to you.
• 4:48
  So you reach out more. You ask what's wrong.
• 4:52
  You try to reconnect, and that pressure spikes their fear
• 4:55
  again. It's a vicious loop.
• 4:58
  You chase to feel safe. They withdraw to feel safe.
• 5:02
  Two people protecting themselves in opposite ways, both feeling
• 5:06
  unloved. As you can see, this is a recipe
• 5:09
  for disaster. Now, another reason people have
• 5:11
  a problem with avoidance is because it looks personal.
• 5:15
  When someone can sit there emotionless after telling you
• 5:18
  they loved you just last week, it feels like a betrayal.
• 5:22
  You can't reconcile it, so you turn that pain into anger
• 5:27
  because anger gives you a sense of control.
• 5:31
  It's easier to call them a narcissist than to accept that
• 5:34
  they're scared. But deep down, what you're
• 5:37
  really mad at is the fact that you feel powerless.
• 5:41
  Avoidance leave you hanging in ambiguity.
• 5:44
  No closure, no goodbye, just silence.
• 5:48
  It's the not knowing that kills people, and the moment you start
• 5:53
  begging for clarity, you hand them all the control again.
• 5:57
  And it certainly doesn't help that avoidance rarely take
• 6:00
  responsibility. They'll often intellectualize
• 6:03
  their emotions so they come across as detached or dismissive
• 6:07
  if you do confront them. And they'll say things like,
• 6:10
  well, I just need space or I can't do this right now instead
• 6:14
  of being real and saying I panicked because intimacy
• 6:18
  terrifies me. And that lack of emotional
• 6:21
  ownership infuriates people who feel blindsided or devalued.
• 6:27
  And then finally, people are angry with avoidance because
• 6:30
  anger is easier to feel than grief.
• 6:34
  You feel grief mixed with powerlessness when an avoidant
• 6:38
  discards you, ghosts you, or deactivates you, especially when
• 6:43
  they seem to care. The mind can't reconcile how
• 6:46
  someone who loved you yesterday can suddenly act indifferent.
• 6:50
  So it's a defense mechanism. Instead of grieving, people lash
• 6:54
  out. Now let's clear something up.
• 6:57
  This isn't about gender. Avoidance isn't a male thing.
• 7:02
  It's an attachment style that can show up in anyone, male or
• 7:05
  female. Avoidant attachment is trauma
• 7:09
  driven, not testosterone driven. People confuse avoidant behavior
• 7:13
  with masculine energy or even stoicism, but they are not the
• 7:17
  same. One is social conditioning, the
• 7:21
  other is sphere of vulnerability.
• 7:24
  So if you turned it into men are avoidant, then you miss the
• 7:27
  whole point and you stay bitter. If you're a woman.
• 7:29
  It's not about gender, it's about nervous systems that
• 7:33
  learned to fear closeness. So the bottom line is that
• 7:36
  people hate avoidance because they don't understand that the
• 7:40
  avoidance distance isn't personal.
• 7:42
  It's not about you. OK, for them it's about
• 7:46
  survival. But I know that knowing that
• 7:49
  doesn't erase the damage it causes.
• 7:52
  So what should you do if you're dealing with an avoidant?
• 7:58
  Well, you can't try to fix them. You have to stop being
• 8:02
  emotionally available. You match energy, you protect
• 8:07
  your peace, and you let your silence do the teaching because
• 8:12
  every time you over function, they under function.
• 8:16
  You're allowed to care, but you're not required to be their
• 8:18
  emotional rehab center. The most powerful thing you can
• 8:23
  say with your actions is I'm here for connection, not
• 8:27
  confusion. And once you stop chasing, they
• 8:30
  either rise to meet you or they disappear for good.
• 8:34
  Either way, you win. Now finally, to get back to the
• 8:37
  comment I read earlier about avoidance dating each other, I
• 8:42
  disagree. The best fit for an avoidant is
• 8:46
  actually someone secure who's emotionally grounded and not
• 8:50
  reactive, someone who won't chase when they pull away but
• 8:54
  also won't disappear in response.
• 8:56
  And that stability teaches the avoidant that closeness does not
• 9:01
  equal danger. Now, if you're anxious, my
• 9:04
  suggestion is that when you find out that you're dealing with an
• 9:08
  avoidant, you either work on your abandonment issues or you
• 9:13
  find someone else to date. You are not going to be able to
• 9:15
  handle it every time an avoidant pulls away and they will pull
• 9:19
  away. You're just not going to be able
• 9:21
  to do it. That's not how you're wired.
• 9:23
  OK, so now I want to hear from you.
• 9:25
  Be honest. Which part of what I said about
• 9:28
  why people are angry with avoidance hit you the hardest?
• 9:32
  And in the meantime, if you would like my help to get your
• 9:35
  ex back, you can contact me at theartoflove.net and we will
• 9:39
  send you the rates. They are not on the website.
• 9:41
  And the link to that is underneath every single video
• 9:44
  and podcast. And if you found this video
• 9:47
  helpful, be sure to hit the subscribe button so you don't
• 9:49
  miss out on any future videos. And if you're listening to this
• 9:52
  as a podcast, also be sure to subscribe so you don't miss
• 9:55
  future episodes. And finally, remember, love
• 9:58
  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens, yeah.